Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman... (Stand By Your Plan)

Qualities one needs to transition: Patience, determination, self-assurance, emotional strength, empathy, and a high pain threshold.

I’ve been told I’m a remarkably patient person, but I don’t really feel it. I don’t like waiting, though I guess I’m patient with other people. My patience, determination, self-assurance and emotional strength were put to the test last week when I travelled 400 miles to go for a consultation for a tracheal shave, only to be told that I would need a referral from somewhere like Charing Cross to have this procedure done privately. Now I know that one needs a referral for SRS, and I had heard that some surgeons in this country were now asking for referrals before they would do FFS, but I’d never thought of the trach shave as being a specifically feminising procedure. Of course in my case that’s why I want it done, but not all men have noticeable adam’s apples so to have an unsightly lump on one’s neck reduced seems to me to be just like any other cosmetic surgery. If (hypothetically) I was to decide not to go ahead with transition, I can’t imagine that a lack of an adam’s apple would in any way affect my ability to "be a man". But according to the surgeon I saw those are the rules. What really pissed me off was the fact that they could easily have pointed that out over the phone, but were instead prepared to take my money for the consultation for a procedure that they knew they wouldn’t be doing (at this stage at least). I was upset too, having travelled all that way, and thinking that this relatively minor op would be a great help to my going full-time. I’m not totally passable so my large thyroid cartilage is not in itself going to give the game away. Some say it’s not that noticeable which annoys me because it so is, but that’s not the point anyway; I am self-conscious of it, so I have to try and hide it, so I always wear scarves or high necks, not practical in the summer. It’s an unmistakably masculine feature, so it has to go, regardless of all other masculine features. My options it seems are to get a private referral (more expense), or have it done outside the UK, or to wait… ugh. There is a chance I could eventually have it done on the NHS, but only a chance, as it depends on our local health authority’s funding policy, and only after several months of the required "real life experience". Catch –22, as the reason I want it done now is to help with the RLE. I’m looking into those other options…

The night before the wasted journey (to Leicester), I’d met up in the Village with Cerys, Shan and Alex, who was on her way up to Scotland. Lovely to meet you Alex, and lovely as always to see Cerys and Shan. It was my 3^rd night out in the Village in 3 ½ weeks, and 2 of those had been my first 2 nights there without Pippa, was like going out with a limb missing. Love you babe.

Cerys offered to come with me to Leicester, which was nice, and as it turned out I was most grateful for her company and for her navigational skills whilst I drove back, devoid of any sense of direction, oblivious to all road signs, with tears in my eyes following my pointless consultation.

She came back to my place and stayed the next day too, thanks for being there for me babe, I was glad to not have to be alone. We’d had a couple of hours to kill before my appointment so we went for a meal on the outskirts of Leicester in a local pub for local people. Never before had they seen the like…

I got a few looks but nothing too bad, and no looks of disdain. We asked for the menu and a guy went to check the specials for the day, came back to tell us what they were, and promptly forgot when he clocked me! "OK today we’ve got… er, um, I, aahhh, I seem to have forgotten…." He did his best to remember, and got some of it right, using the excuse that they’d just changed the specials when we went through to the restaurant. He was probably just astounded by my beauty. Anyway the food was super, and had Cerys not been there I would have ended up going to the nearest Burger King or something. Thanks again babe.

Although my family are certainly not being obstructive towards my transition, it is an emotional drain just having to deal with their feelings. I don’t mean that selfishly, but all this affects them, and that in turn affects me. So a bit of empathy doesn’t go amiss. Dad doesn’t want me to do this, wants me to reconsider, to find another way, thinks it will be impossibly difficult, can’t offer encouragement, but does not intend to stand in my way. I can’t ignore his feelings and concerns so I continue to do my best to help him with them, or at least answer them from my own perspective. It’s hard to do that, hard to bare your soul in an attempt to show the need that drives this thing, emotionally draining to delve into the feelings that make me who I am, and to compare how I used to live; how my approach to life was virtually non-existent. I think that’s what makes me cry when watching films, usually in some way it’s a reminder of the past, more specifically of the pain; without any healing you stop feeling it, but start to feel better and you remember the pain, and the emotion finally catches up with you.

And high pain threshold? Well I haven’t quite got that far yet, though come to think of it the epilator took a bit of getting used to. But it’s less than 3 weeks to go before my first laser session, which I don’t think will hurt too much.

Emotionally or otherwise, it’s true what they say: no pain, no gain.

xx