Skinny Eddie Lizzard

The family "situation" has been getting me down, it’s not really my problem but my mum has been in the firing line and she doesn’t deserve it. Other people’s problems often affect me more than my own, and because it’s my lovely mum that is suffering I feel it too. I’ve woken up crying the last few mornings, heartbreaking. I feel helpless, whatever I say probably won’t help. She’s away for a few days visiting an old friend so I hope she is able to put it out of her mind for a while. I’m also a bit angry that she has been treated unfairly and somewhat disgracefully. All I can say is I’m glad I’m no longer seen as one of the blokes in this family. The women are cool, the men are twats. Anyway…

Me, her and Gran went out on Friday to see my cousin Tracy in the world premiere of a short film in which she had a leading role. Well, there were no red carpets or long black dresses with mink wraps or anything of the sort, it was just a low budget, amateur affair, but it was quite fun and I have to say she was very good in it, I’ve never seen her act before. Weird to see her on the big screen. She was there in person too of course, and it was the first time she’d seen me dressed, but that was equally no big occasion, no champagne, just half a lager. She’s lovely, and I’ve always been very fond of her since we were very young. We used to live round the corner from each other, and she’s always felt more like a sister. I think Lucy makes sense to her, as it does for all the girls I know, it would seem. Virtually all of them have said that they weren’t surprised or that they knew there was "something".

The film was accompanied by 2 support films, even shorter, one call "Orangehead" – a man walks into a pub with an orange for a head, it’s not a joke, that’s what happened. The film is just him describing his experiences of what it’s like when your head turns into an orange, bizarre, but quite amusing. The other film was painful, I think it was supposed to be arty. "Fires were started" it was called, featuring a single bar, old electric fire, and nothing else, other than some equally painful music. Sorry, but I don’t really get it, why is that art? (But of course what is art…?) Cerys, can you explain this to me, why do film-makers subject people to such torture? Not that I’m suggesting you do of course, but you know about these things don’t you. The show is coming to Kendal next month, I would suggest they don’t bother with that one. Maybe I’m just a heathen.

We got back about 10:30 so I decided to go down the pub and see what bands were on. I’m quite enjoying getting back into the local band scene again. The place where Sue usually hangs out (my new TS acquaintance) had a band of youngsters who weren’t particularly very good, bless, and Sue wasn’t there so I moved on to the other decent pub in town to see "Skinny Lizard", a new one on me, but they were very good, playing all rock stuff, but good choices of songs, including Pink Floyd even, Yay! The guy I was at primary school with was there so I had a chat with him and met one of his mates who was very friendly and invited me to the local night-club later on. I said maybe, but slipped away quietly at the end. Actually the band finished with "Freebird" for a 3^rd encore so I left in protest as much as anything else. Shame, all their set had been great up to that point. (While I was getting ready to go out that day I had the telly on and heard some presenter saying that a viewer had written in to tell them that they had a pet lizard called, Eddie Lizzard, hence today’s title, by the way. For you foreigners who might not know, Eddie Izzard is an extremely funny and proud to be transvestite comedian).

I called in for a takeaway on the way home where a very dishy Indian waiter was very nice to me, I love being a woman.

Yesterday I had agreed to meet Penny at the same place (where she works) and where another band was playing, all of whom I knew this time, two of whom I have worked with, and one of whom also appears on the only (pressed) album I have ever made. I recorded another album with another band, which was miles better, in fact bloody good, but it was never pressed due to record company "complications". Buggers. Anyway I digress. The bass player of today’s band was the guy who saw me and Pip whilst he was in his van a couple of months ago. I’d seen in him another band recently but didn’t talk to him then, so I did today. He hadn’t recognised me when he was in his van, but at that time wouldn’t have expected to see me dressed as a woman. So it’s official, he was just ogling me, or maybe it was Pip, who knows. Pip IS a handsome devil when he’s escorting me as my boyfriend. Anyway, the guys in the band were very nice to me, bought me a drink, gave me a hug and were generally complimentary. It’s nice that all these guys that I’ve worked with from way back are cool with me, and still show me the same respect they always did. Kendal I believe has a fairly healthy music scene, and talent is appreciated and respected without rivalry between bands. I’ve been asked to join one of them in fact, which surely proves there is no prejudice within the male-dominated Kendal band scene. I’m not ready for that though, mainly for practical reasons. But it’s something I would like to get back into (it’s been 3 years now), when I feel more presentable, and when shaving becomes less of a problem, and when I’ve had my thyroid cartilage reduced. I can’t bear to go out without my scarf, even though it draws attention to the fact. Adam’s apple (very large in my case) is such an obvious male marker that I’d feel I was showing my genitals without the scarf, and that just wouldn’t do would it.

And so transition progresses, slowly but surely. I hardly notice the changes, but I know they are happening just the same. I see my life unfolding, like a new leaf opening itself up to the world. Things are better now than they ever have been, but I know they will continue to improve, with patience, and determination. Stay strong, be true, and live your life.

xx