Isn’t modern science wonderful!

It’s official, I’ve gone down from a size 14 (on top) to a size 12. Yesterday I was out shopping, one of my favourite hobbies, when I came across a lovely chunky pink sweater, just the thing I’d been looking for, but they only had it in a 14. The last few tops I bought (a while ago) have been 12, but just a little tight under the arms or across the shoulders. They didn’t have a changing room in this shop, and the sweater looked about the right size for me so I bought it anyway. It was only 8 quid so what the hell, and now that I shop en femme I don’t have a problem taking things back. When I tried it on at home it was positively hanging off, plenty of room under the arms and across the shoulders, and far too big at the waist, obviously not my size. I’d also bought a long cardy in a 12 from the same place which fitted perfectly. Since I’ve been able to buy my own clothes freely for about the last 15 years I have noticed sizes getting bigger (thus you need to buy smaller), and of course they do vary between manufacturers, so just to make sure I tried some of my old dresses on, some of which used to be a bit of a squeeze even though they were 14’s. Definitely these were on the big side, it must be me who has shrunk.

I’m approaching a year on oestrogen and I’m quite amazed really that my shape has changed in this way. I was never exactly a he-man (never exactly a man at all), always been slim, but working in bands for 25 years I’ve had heavy stuff to lift on a constant basis so I guess I had a certain amount of muscle, perhaps more than I thought, as I’m sure oestrogen doesn’t make your ribs shrink or your shoulders less broad; it must just be muscle mass that I’ve lost. It’s not obvious (to me) to look at, but the drop in sizes must mean I have changed in that way. I haven’t lost any weight, so this has to be a good sign. Changes from oestrogen are quite subtle, little breast development as yet, I’m about an AA, but definitely softer skin, which seemed to happen quite quickly, and a certain sense of wellbeing - perhaps that’s due to my hormones at last finding a better balance. Testosterone did me serious damage when it kicked in as a teenager, played hell with my skin mainly, and that continued even into my 40’s. I don’t suppose there is much left in my body these days, but I’d still like to rid myself entirely of this poison. One day Lucy, one day…

Having had a jolly good shop yesterday I got back rather late, so had a take-away and settled down in front of the telly. I found myself watching yet another property development programme, with even more rubbish on the other 3 channels (this is Cumbria, we don’t get channel 5 or digital, unless you have a dish, and I expect that only gives you more rubbish from which to choose), SO… still being all made up and dressed smart but casual, I thought I’d go out for a quick drink and a chat with Penny at the bar. There were 3 people in, including me, Cumbria remember. Anyway it was lovely to see her and we had a good chat. Rachel came in later so we headed off across the road and found some other reprobates, all staff from the bar with the night off. We ended up going for a game of pool, the first time I’d played for, oh, I have no idea, probably about 20 years, but I didn’t do so bad, played 4 won 2, and it was quite fun. I haven’t been out in Kendal for quite a while so I’m glad I made the effort and met up with everyone. We had some interesting conversation about how, even in this town no-one is really bothered about gays or tg’s, or pretty much anything that once would have been considered a deviation from "normal". Perhaps one has to first define "normal". I am normal, and so are you, dear reader, and if you’re one of those who is apprehensive about going out into "normal" society whilst expressing your true self, you might be surprised to find that the large majority of the population thinks you’re normal too. I’m not preaching, but all too often it seems it’s the people who don’t go out who claim that we get a bad reaction from the public. Maybe it depends where you are and so on, but in my experience, hand on heart, no problem. My friends admire and support me, if they even give it a second thought that is, for after 6 months of being full-time it just feels, well, um, normal!

I’m far from perfect, but I’m happy to be me. Would I have been born female if given the choice? Probably. Would I prefer to be a cisgender ("normal") male rather than transgender? No way. This is who I am. Hopefully my openness will help those few remaining dinosaurs who don’t understand to find a better comprehension of such things. Taking the stealth option, if you can, will change nothing. Moving away to transition where nobody knows me was never an option for me either, despite my family’s fears about how difficult it would be in this town. As each day goes by, each day I go out at least, I know I am going about this the right way. I sincerely hope that other transgender people will see me and realise that it really, really is not so difficult to be yourself. In fact not being yourself is much harder, much more damaging. I hope my chosen path will further our cause, but mainly I’m following it because it is right for me.

It sounds totally bloody obvious when I write it down, but if I have a message for the world, then that is it. Follow your heart, do what is right, be yourself. Simple, but effective.

xx