Open your mind

"Some things, however, do not change. I am not certain whether the acceptance and tolerance will ever change and if so, into which direction."

Have to disagree with that sorry, and I’m confident in doing so because I see it every day. I believe it’s not so much society that has a problem with us, it’s now just individuals, the bigots as Pippa put it, quite rightly. Maybe they won’t ever change, but each of them will die, end of bigot. Bigotism as a social concept will gradually die out too. In some cases it may be passed on through closed family units, taught by father to son, but hey, my dad is a bigot and I’m not, so that’s not always the case. What gets me is how so many people bang on about society’s lack of tolerance when really it’s becoming more and more of a minority that are intolerant towards us.

I’m seeing a pattern, and that’s what prompted me to make the comments in my last blog; so many TG people insist that society won’t allow them to be themselves, and so often that is their "reason" for not doing so. If you don’t stand up for yourself you will always be down-trodden. I’m not suggesting that everyone should come out, I understand that individuals have their own unique situations to deal with. But I am saying that if you feel unhappy not living the way you would like to, then change. Just do it. It’s up to you to make the change, not society, so don’t go round blaming it for not allowing you to do so.

The truth is, acceptance and tolerance HAVE changed for the better, even in my lifetime, and that’s very obvious to see. I imagine that if I’d come out 20 years ago things might have been much more difficult, I may have experienced a great deal more intolerance, misunderstanding, negativity. But I haven’t come across any of that.

With one exception. My dad. Intolerance, misunderstanding, negativity - he has in spades. Where does it all come from? He’s a good man, but his attitude towards anything that doesn’t fit in with his insular notion of "normality" is extreme. Everyone should live the way he lives, be the way he is. Everyone should be cisgender, heterosexual, get married, have kids and carry on the family name. I’m transgender, sexuality debatable, divorced, no kids, and changed both my names. Oh dear. No wonder I’m such a disappointment to him.

How do I get him to see things from my point of view? He says he hates what I am doing, hopes I will change my mind, and can’t comprehend any of it. Does he fear what he doesn’t understand? He seems to have a phobia of any sort of deviation from "normality" and I wonder where that comes from. I’m sure it is more than just the environment in which he was brought up.

Above all I’d like him to see that the way I have chosen to live is my "normal". In my previous life I’ve always felt deviant, a female dressing in male clothes, learning male traits, trying to appear outwardly male. I wish I hadn’t done it so well. He still believes all this has been caused by one or more events in my life. And still clings on to the belief that I can be cured, perhaps by therapy. Ironic, considering his attitude towards therapists!

He doesn’t want to understand, so he doesn’t try to, but even without any understanding he still feels able to cast judgement. This is just "wrong". How can I get him to see that this is right for me? How can I get him to even talk about it?

For the time being, I give up. He’s a difficult man to get through to sometimes, and at the moment, completely impossible. I hope that one day he will see me as a happy and successful woman, realise that I used to be a miserable, drifting, ambition-less bloke and see that I really am better off like this. I hope he doesn’t die a bigot.

One should never believe that there is no more to learn, or that things should always be a certain way, or that things can’t change.

I invite anyone who believes that society is and always will be intolerant towards us to come down the pub with me and see how people really are. Maybe we’ll go shopping, take in a show, whatever. Come and see for yourself and stop living in the past.

Dad, that includes you.

xx