One strong heart, and one less so

I really should be learning songs right now, not reading the forums and posting about my favourite artists, or writing blogs, but what the hell…

Last week my dad had a heart attack, his second, and slightly more serious this time by all accounts, but he seems to have survived it ok and is due out of hospital today. His first was fourteen years ago to the week. Of course I can’t visit him, he hasn’t seen me since June so I imagine it would be stressful for him, which of course he has to avoid, and he doesn’t want to see me anyway, now that I’ve been honest with him about my true gender and what I need to do about it. I asked my brother to tell him that I’d like to see him, perhaps when he’s feeling stronger, and would be prepared to go "en bloke", and wouldn’t be offended by him using my old name, which he still insists on doing when he refers to me. He is the only person I would do that for, the only reason I would make any attempt at presenting as male, though I don’t suppose I’d make a very good job of that now whatever I do with my hair…

I can’t help wondering if I will ever see him again, so if that’s the only way then so be it. Somehow I don’t think he will even agree to seeing me like that, as it would mean not avoiding the issue. Anyway, I certainly can’t put any pressure on him, not that I want to or ever have done. He needs to relax generally, he’s not very good at that. I just want him to get better.

Thankfully life goes on, for all of us. Yesterday was my first rehearsal with the band, which I really enjoyed. Apart from my drunken fumblings at the folk jam night a few weeks ago, I haven’t played with a band for 3 and a half years, so it felt good to be back, though I can honestly say that in all that time I haven’t missed it, not one jot. This band is different to my last, less "showy", less "rocky", considerably less volume! They are all reasonably competent though, and well disciplined, so I think it’s going to work well. It all seemed to gel together straight away, got to be a good sign. They seemed very happy with me and what I did. They’ve had 2 temporary keyboard players since they reformed about 6 months ago, both technically better players than me, but they said that what I did seemed to fit better, suited their style more. That’s nice, I’m no concert pianist and can’t play jazz to save my life, but I don’t need to, they play rock and pop, and that’s my "bag", man…

Can’t wait to get back on stage now, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it again, after it had all become a bit of a drag with the last band, for various reasons. And I’ll be showing people around here that transsexuals are normal people, they’ve done things like having piano lessons when they were kids, they can play in bands, they can even be talented, and most importantly, they can integrate into society, yes even Kendal society! They are not afraid to go out and be seen, are even prepared to stand on a stage and have the whole room look at them. It’s quite a good music scene around here, lots of local bands and plenty of pubs to cater for them, and musicians, the good ones at least seem to be fairly well respected by the local folk. I’m hoping that they will respect me, firstly for my one-fifth part in the band, and in turn for being myself and not being afraid to show it. I’m sure when word gets round that there is a Kendal band with a tranny in, it will attract some curiosity, but I hope to show them that this is irrelevant; I am, as always, just a keyboard player.

Have to admit, I’m quite looking forward to wearing a short skirt and fishnets on stage. Hey, I’m a rock chick now, no-one can complain that I’m too old for that sort of thing, it’s what I’m supposed to do!

Ok, I know, any excuse…

xx