Please Visit Our Sponsor





User's Tags

Lucy Diamond 's Entries

204 blogs
  • 18 Apr 2005
    Be who you want to be That title is actually the latest slogan for Weightwatchers, so doesn’t apply to me in that sense, what with my sylph-like figure and all, but you can see where I’m coming from can’t you? T-girls everywhere should read, learn and inwardly digest this statement, it could change their life, and greatly for the better. It is after all, what I am doing, being who I want to be. Or maybe I’m just being who I am. Anyway, enough philosophy for now, today’s class is modern history… Today was my appointment with the local psychiatrist, and yes, she DID ask me to tell her about my childhood, and many aspects of my life in fact. It all went very well and resulted in her saying she would put through a referral to Charing Cross, which is what I had hoped for. Presumably this proves that I’m not completely barking, and that she could not see any evidence of any psychological disorders leading me to have strange and irrational desires to become a woman. My desires of course are neither strange nor irrational, and are in fact based on what I believe is my biological make up, chemistry of the brain, but we’ll do chemistry and biology another day… I dressed casually today, embroidered jeans and a pink sweater and my NEW trainers (pink and white, so girly ok?) I think that helped to impress the shrink, she did comment that she had seen girls like me in the past who had dressed "based on their own ideals of how a women ought to dress"… "What in ballgowns and stuff?" I said, "Well, not quite but over the top and often very formal…" she explained. I can see it now, navy blue pencil skirts, stockings, white blouses… . I’d made a conscious decision of course to not look like a tranny, (no offence to trannies everywhere, some of my best friends are trannies…you know what I mean) and Mrs Shrink went on to say that I had obviously "cracked that" and was apparently comfortable in such attire, that of a normal woman. Well of course I am, what normal woman wouldn’t be? She asked if I was living full-time, when I answered I realised that I only actually wear drab when I nip out to the local supermarket, though of course I don’t always have to shave at home, but I explained that the only thing that was really stopping me was pressure from my family, er no rephrase that, the suggestion from my dad that I wait as long as possible before coming out. I can see his point, but his view is actually at one extreme of the great debate between what they call "stealth" (living as a woman with no-one knowing of your past) or openness about your um, "T-ness". Stealth is not really an option for me, firstly you have to be at least 100% passable; if I could ever get there it would take years and I am not prepared to hide away for that long. Main thing is, I have no need to live in stealth, I am confident enough of my own strengths and abilities to face the world as a trans-woman. Hell, they might even learn something… I am being a bit of a school-mistress today aren’t I. Pay attention at the back. Anyway as the psycho mentioned, and as I already knew, the good people at Charing Cross are not going to do anything, perhaps not even take me seriously until they see me living full time. It could be anything up to 6 months before I get an appointment there, so what’s the best thing I could do for myself in that time? That’s right – live full time! No point sitting on my bum for 6 months saying, "Well I want to be a woman but…" So full-time is just around the corner, and I am glad that a professional has actually suggested that would be the best thing to do (and my dad was hoping she would cure me, or at least talk me out of it…) I’ll give him a little more time to get his head round things, but I don’t think he’s ever really going to do that anyway, certainly not as long as this is just an abstract concept. But I remain diplomatic, sympathetic to his consternation, and above all understanding. He has said he isn’t yet ready to meet Lucy. Well, it’s time for him to start getting ready, Lucy is a real person, and not just an abstract problem which he doesn’t quite understand. I just need to make him see that the way I go about all this is the way that is best for ME, and hopefully I can be the woman I want to be before one of us dies, whether he understands it or not. I’ve booked my first IPL hair removal session for next month, following my consultation. It's obviously a very long process, with no actual guarantee that it will be permanent, but I’m sure it will make enough difference to be worthwhile. I guess the electrologist’s needle is an inevitability eventually though, ugh. Recent socio-historical events include 2 nights out at the Village within a week, the first meeting up with Cerys, Shan and Amy, a TS friend that Cerys met on UK Angels. And again on Friday with the now firmly established "gang" – me, Pippa, Cerys and Shan. A quiet and somewhat wet night, but the company of course was warm and scintillating. I’ve stuck a couple of pics in my album from the first of those nights, and I haven’t even looked at the few pics we took the other night. Well, I’ve been busy entertaining my lover for the rest of the weekend (I should be exhausted!) we came straight back here on Friday, rather than stop in a hotel. As always it’s been lovely to have Pip here, in fact as always, it’s been very special. We’ve had great fun, great conversation, and great sex. Did I really say that? Sorry. TMI. Oh come on it’s nothing you didn’t already know. Thanks Pip, you know - THANKS!!! She’s a doll you know, an absolute star, and I love her. Here endeth the lesson. xx
    504 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Be who you want to be That title is actually the latest slogan for Weightwatchers, so doesn’t apply to me in that sense, what with my sylph-like figure and all, but you can see where I’m coming from can’t you? T-girls everywhere should read, learn and inwardly digest this statement, it could change their life, and greatly for the better. It is after all, what I am doing, being who I want to be. Or maybe I’m just being who I am. Anyway, enough philosophy for now, today’s class is modern history… Today was my appointment with the local psychiatrist, and yes, she DID ask me to tell her about my childhood, and many aspects of my life in fact. It all went very well and resulted in her saying she would put through a referral to Charing Cross, which is what I had hoped for. Presumably this proves that I’m not completely barking, and that she could not see any evidence of any psychological disorders leading me to have strange and irrational desires to become a woman. My desires of course are neither strange nor irrational, and are in fact based on what I believe is my biological make up, chemistry of the brain, but we’ll do chemistry and biology another day… I dressed casually today, embroidered jeans and a pink sweater and my NEW trainers (pink and white, so girly ok?) I think that helped to impress the shrink, she did comment that she had seen girls like me in the past who had dressed "based on their own ideals of how a women ought to dress"… "What in ballgowns and stuff?" I said, "Well, not quite but over the top and often very formal…" she explained. I can see it now, navy blue pencil skirts, stockings, white blouses… . I’d made a conscious decision of course to not look like a tranny, (no offence to trannies everywhere, some of my best friends are trannies…you know what I mean) and Mrs Shrink went on to say that I had obviously "cracked that" and was apparently comfortable in such attire, that of a normal woman. Well of course I am, what normal woman wouldn’t be? She asked if I was living full-time, when I answered I realised that I only actually wear drab when I nip out to the local supermarket, though of course I don’t always have to shave at home, but I explained that the only thing that was really stopping me was pressure from my family, er no rephrase that, the suggestion from my dad that I wait as long as possible before coming out. I can see his point, but his view is actually at one extreme of the great debate between what they call "stealth" (living as a woman with no-one knowing of your past) or openness about your um, "T-ness". Stealth is not really an option for me, firstly you have to be at least 100% passable; if I could ever get there it would take years and I am not prepared to hide away for that long. Main thing is, I have no need to live in stealth, I am confident enough of my own strengths and abilities to face the world as a trans-woman. Hell, they might even learn something… I am being a bit of a school-mistress today aren’t I. Pay attention at the back. Anyway as the psycho mentioned, and as I already knew, the good people at Charing Cross are not going to do anything, perhaps not even take me seriously until they see me living full time. It could be anything up to 6 months before I get an appointment there, so what’s the best thing I could do for myself in that time? That’s right – live full time! No point sitting on my bum for 6 months saying, "Well I want to be a woman but…" So full-time is just around the corner, and I am glad that a professional has actually suggested that would be the best thing to do (and my dad was hoping she would cure me, or at least talk me out of it…) I’ll give him a little more time to get his head round things, but I don’t think he’s ever really going to do that anyway, certainly not as long as this is just an abstract concept. But I remain diplomatic, sympathetic to his consternation, and above all understanding. He has said he isn’t yet ready to meet Lucy. Well, it’s time for him to start getting ready, Lucy is a real person, and not just an abstract problem which he doesn’t quite understand. I just need to make him see that the way I go about all this is the way that is best for ME, and hopefully I can be the woman I want to be before one of us dies, whether he understands it or not. I’ve booked my first IPL hair removal session for next month, following my consultation. It's obviously a very long process, with no actual guarantee that it will be permanent, but I’m sure it will make enough difference to be worthwhile. I guess the electrologist’s needle is an inevitability eventually though, ugh. Recent socio-historical events include 2 nights out at the Village within a week, the first meeting up with Cerys, Shan and Amy, a TS friend that Cerys met on UK Angels. And again on Friday with the now firmly established "gang" – me, Pippa, Cerys and Shan. A quiet and somewhat wet night, but the company of course was warm and scintillating. I’ve stuck a couple of pics in my album from the first of those nights, and I haven’t even looked at the few pics we took the other night. Well, I’ve been busy entertaining my lover for the rest of the weekend (I should be exhausted!) we came straight back here on Friday, rather than stop in a hotel. As always it’s been lovely to have Pip here, in fact as always, it’s been very special. We’ve had great fun, great conversation, and great sex. Did I really say that? Sorry. TMI. Oh come on it’s nothing you didn’t already know. Thanks Pip, you know - THANKS!!! She’s a doll you know, an absolute star, and I love her. Here endeth the lesson. xx
    Apr 18, 2005 504
  • 08 Apr 2005
    Two small steps for a woman… A couple of things today, a letter arrived asking me to make an appointment with the local psychiatrist as my referral had been accepted, so I did, and it’s a week on Monday. Not long to wait, not long to think about it, and not much time in which to panic! No, I’m sure it will be fairly casual, tell me about your childhood and all that. Actually I’ve no idea, I imagine I will be expected to do most of the talking, something I’m not great at when under pressure and sober. Sober is something I’ve been for many weeks now, really since Pip and I last went out, though I did have a ickle drink when she was here a couple of weeks ago. So I’m pleased that I’m no longer craving alcohol at all, it did used to be quite a habit. It is a very important aspect of transitioning, clean living and a healthy liver. So after I made my appointment I got in touch with the only place around here that does IPL (intense pulsed light) and laser treatment for hair removal, and I’m having a patch test for IPL next Thursday, which should be interesting. As many of the hairs on my face are quite light it will at best only be a partial solution, but hopefully will save a bit of time and pain due to less electrolysis being needed. That I should be able to get in the town where I live, the IPL place is 20 – 30 minutes drive, not too bad I guess. They said they had treated several men effectively in the past. I suppose there are "real" men out there who wish to have their beards removed, but when they asked what medications I was on (I had given them a hint) I left them in no doubt as to my reasons. The lady on the phone went on to say that they had had others "going through the change", and she didn’t mean the menopause, who had gone on to do other parts of their body, which I may well consider if I’m not totally bankrupt by the time I’ve finished all this. So a couple of small steps closer today, always nice to feel that you’re moving in the right direction. I’d like to take some giant leaps but it doesn’t work that way. Patience is a virtue. Good job.
    486 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Two small steps for a woman… A couple of things today, a letter arrived asking me to make an appointment with the local psychiatrist as my referral had been accepted, so I did, and it’s a week on Monday. Not long to wait, not long to think about it, and not much time in which to panic! No, I’m sure it will be fairly casual, tell me about your childhood and all that. Actually I’ve no idea, I imagine I will be expected to do most of the talking, something I’m not great at when under pressure and sober. Sober is something I’ve been for many weeks now, really since Pip and I last went out, though I did have a ickle drink when she was here a couple of weeks ago. So I’m pleased that I’m no longer craving alcohol at all, it did used to be quite a habit. It is a very important aspect of transitioning, clean living and a healthy liver. So after I made my appointment I got in touch with the only place around here that does IPL (intense pulsed light) and laser treatment for hair removal, and I’m having a patch test for IPL next Thursday, which should be interesting. As many of the hairs on my face are quite light it will at best only be a partial solution, but hopefully will save a bit of time and pain due to less electrolysis being needed. That I should be able to get in the town where I live, the IPL place is 20 – 30 minutes drive, not too bad I guess. They said they had treated several men effectively in the past. I suppose there are "real" men out there who wish to have their beards removed, but when they asked what medications I was on (I had given them a hint) I left them in no doubt as to my reasons. The lady on the phone went on to say that they had had others "going through the change", and she didn’t mean the menopause, who had gone on to do other parts of their body, which I may well consider if I’m not totally bankrupt by the time I’ve finished all this. So a couple of small steps closer today, always nice to feel that you’re moving in the right direction. I’d like to take some giant leaps but it doesn’t work that way. Patience is a virtue. Good job.
    Apr 08, 2005 486
  • 01 Apr 2005
    What’s in a name My dad came round today and we had a long chat. He said he still didn’t really know what to say to me but he didn’t seem to be having too many problems there. All this is quite a shock and fairly incomprehensible to him, so I think the underlying thing is that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but he’s glad I have sought professional help and that I will be seeing a shrink soon. Perhaps he thinks they will somehow discourage me from my chosen path, or enlighten me by bringing some repressed trauma to the surface or whatever, but he can see something is wrong and that I am not happy the way I am. I tried to explain to him that I know my own mind, that this has been with me forever, and I’ve thought about this for years, and I am completely sure of what I need, and what I want from life. I found it hard to convince him that this was my decision and that no-one else had pushed me towards it or encouraged me in any way, but I think I eventually made some impression there. After all, no-one could persuade him that living the rest of his life as a woman would be a good idea; this sort of thing can only come from inside, and certainly isn’t brought on by any trauma. In my case I sincerely believe that I have in no way been conditioned to end up like this and was indeed born this way, as I’m sure many ts’s would agree. He expressed his concern about many issues that arise from such a decision, many of which were practical matters, and also feared the difficulties I would have to face, but those are my difficulties, and to be honest, they won’t be that difficult. I can see why a "normal" person would think that way though. At the end of the day it’s all relative; physical pain (surgery, electrolysis etc) are temporary, coping with ignorance to whatever degree is something I am prepared for and have no worries about, and all other difficulties combined do not compare to the mental anguish of having been forced to live in a role which is alien and false. Not to mention the depressing prospect of living the rest of my life that way, probably dying early due to self-inflicted excesses, a miserable existence, dying a grumpy old man. I am certain of what I want in the few years I have left, and certain of how to get it. There is only one way. All I can do is persevere to show him that and eventually I think he will come to understand it better, though I don’t expect him to really embrace the fact. But I never give up, and after all, my life, my happiness, is not something I ever wish to neglect again. I’ve spent a long time doing that, it’s not good for a girl you know. So the main thing is that we are talking, and he is trying to understand, and willing to listen. Thankfully he seems to have mellowed in recent years, he used to be terribly homophobic but now even has gay friends, one couple in particular. The sooner they get to know the better, because I know they will bend his ears ever so slightly in their own gentle way. But we’re agreed on trying to keeps things quiet for the time being, though of course that can’t last long. Nor do I want it to. I think a professional diagnosis will make a big difference to his outlook. All in all, things could be a lot worse and as people keep reminding me, (and as I’ve always known!) this will all take time to come to terms with, especially for him. He doesn’t like the name Lucy. I don’t suppose he would have liked the name Susan either, or Mary or Cybil or Esmerelda or Angelique or, well, you get the picture… If he can come up with a better name I might consider it, but I doubt he will want to do that. I have rather got used to the name Lucy by now, it just seems me, and well bugger him on that one, I think it’s a lovely name. What do you think girls? I think it suits me. It’s who I am. xx
    489 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • What’s in a name My dad came round today and we had a long chat. He said he still didn’t really know what to say to me but he didn’t seem to be having too many problems there. All this is quite a shock and fairly incomprehensible to him, so I think the underlying thing is that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but he’s glad I have sought professional help and that I will be seeing a shrink soon. Perhaps he thinks they will somehow discourage me from my chosen path, or enlighten me by bringing some repressed trauma to the surface or whatever, but he can see something is wrong and that I am not happy the way I am. I tried to explain to him that I know my own mind, that this has been with me forever, and I’ve thought about this for years, and I am completely sure of what I need, and what I want from life. I found it hard to convince him that this was my decision and that no-one else had pushed me towards it or encouraged me in any way, but I think I eventually made some impression there. After all, no-one could persuade him that living the rest of his life as a woman would be a good idea; this sort of thing can only come from inside, and certainly isn’t brought on by any trauma. In my case I sincerely believe that I have in no way been conditioned to end up like this and was indeed born this way, as I’m sure many ts’s would agree. He expressed his concern about many issues that arise from such a decision, many of which were practical matters, and also feared the difficulties I would have to face, but those are my difficulties, and to be honest, they won’t be that difficult. I can see why a "normal" person would think that way though. At the end of the day it’s all relative; physical pain (surgery, electrolysis etc) are temporary, coping with ignorance to whatever degree is something I am prepared for and have no worries about, and all other difficulties combined do not compare to the mental anguish of having been forced to live in a role which is alien and false. Not to mention the depressing prospect of living the rest of my life that way, probably dying early due to self-inflicted excesses, a miserable existence, dying a grumpy old man. I am certain of what I want in the few years I have left, and certain of how to get it. There is only one way. All I can do is persevere to show him that and eventually I think he will come to understand it better, though I don’t expect him to really embrace the fact. But I never give up, and after all, my life, my happiness, is not something I ever wish to neglect again. I’ve spent a long time doing that, it’s not good for a girl you know. So the main thing is that we are talking, and he is trying to understand, and willing to listen. Thankfully he seems to have mellowed in recent years, he used to be terribly homophobic but now even has gay friends, one couple in particular. The sooner they get to know the better, because I know they will bend his ears ever so slightly in their own gentle way. But we’re agreed on trying to keeps things quiet for the time being, though of course that can’t last long. Nor do I want it to. I think a professional diagnosis will make a big difference to his outlook. All in all, things could be a lot worse and as people keep reminding me, (and as I’ve always known!) this will all take time to come to terms with, especially for him. He doesn’t like the name Lucy. I don’t suppose he would have liked the name Susan either, or Mary or Cybil or Esmerelda or Angelique or, well, you get the picture… If he can come up with a better name I might consider it, but I doubt he will want to do that. I have rather got used to the name Lucy by now, it just seems me, and well bugger him on that one, I think it’s a lovely name. What do you think girls? I think it suits me. It’s who I am. xx
    Apr 01, 2005 489
  • 31 Mar 2005
    Back on top After feeling somewhat dejected and out on a limb I woke up the next day feeling much better, as though my strength had returned. I feel I am at last in control of my own life and want to show how positive that is to those around me. But their feelings are really out of my control so all I can do is try to help them understand, and ultimately believe, for they can be a cynical lot. If not cynical then they certainly like to draw their own conclusions despite my plain speaking to the contrary, always to trying to psychoanalyse me, rather badly I feel. This morning I got a letter from my GP, saying that having researched the procedure it is necessary for me to have a local psychiatric assessment and so he has referred me to a doctor at the general hospital in town, just a few miles away thankfully. As long as she agrees that it is appropriate I will then be referred to a specialist centre such as Charing Cross. I guess I just have to wait for them to contact me with an appointment and I have no idea how long that wait will be, or indeed how long the assessment will take. Hopefully not too long, though I’ve heard of some girls on this site being told they will need to attend for 12 - 18 months, utterly ridiculous. I have GID, plain and simple, and I know what I want to do about it, I just have to prove that I’m not mad. Oh dear… I’ve also joined two Yahoo groups dealing with FFS, one specifically dedicated to Dr Suporn in Thailand, who at present seems my most likely candidate. I’m pretty much decided as to what I’d like to have done but I need to speak to whichever surgeon I decide upon before being absolutely sure. I was thinking of having a chondrolaryngoplasty in England as soon as possible, that’s a thyroid cartilage reduction, AKA tracheal shave, or adam’s apple made smaller to those of us who speak plain English. I’ve had one price so far, whilst the surgery costs a mere £1,000 the consultation, anaesthetist, hospital fees and travelling expenses push the actual cost up to around £3,000. A bit steep for such a quick and relatively straightforward procedure. I only know of two other surgeons in the UK who perform this operation, one of whom I’ve only heard bad things about and the other I will try to get a price from tomorrow. I doubt it will be much, if any, less. Which means that I would be considerably better off financially to have this done at the same time as my FFS, which just means I have to be more patient. I could in fact fly to Thailand just to have this done and still save around £1,000 off the cost of having it done here, and that would also give me chance to suss things out over there, but it’s a bloody long way to go for a 30 – 40 minute procedure. I remain open-minded, or undecided to be honest. I’m not in a great hurry for the FFS; I want to get more fit first, it will certainly be a gruelling experience, and of course I want to be absolutely sure of all that’s involved. But with summer approaching and me wanting to get out much more often, not to mention the NHS required "real life experience" looming on the horizon, I feel very conscious of the rather large protrusion on my neck. I get around it by wearing light scarves or high neck sweaters in the winter, not practical of course in summer. It is after all, a dead give-away, and rather ugly. Oh and I had my ears pierced recently, which was nice. I expect it will piss my dad off, but I can’t help that. My body, my ears, my life. And I am in control of it, not him. xx
    1242 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Back on top After feeling somewhat dejected and out on a limb I woke up the next day feeling much better, as though my strength had returned. I feel I am at last in control of my own life and want to show how positive that is to those around me. But their feelings are really out of my control so all I can do is try to help them understand, and ultimately believe, for they can be a cynical lot. If not cynical then they certainly like to draw their own conclusions despite my plain speaking to the contrary, always to trying to psychoanalyse me, rather badly I feel. This morning I got a letter from my GP, saying that having researched the procedure it is necessary for me to have a local psychiatric assessment and so he has referred me to a doctor at the general hospital in town, just a few miles away thankfully. As long as she agrees that it is appropriate I will then be referred to a specialist centre such as Charing Cross. I guess I just have to wait for them to contact me with an appointment and I have no idea how long that wait will be, or indeed how long the assessment will take. Hopefully not too long, though I’ve heard of some girls on this site being told they will need to attend for 12 - 18 months, utterly ridiculous. I have GID, plain and simple, and I know what I want to do about it, I just have to prove that I’m not mad. Oh dear… I’ve also joined two Yahoo groups dealing with FFS, one specifically dedicated to Dr Suporn in Thailand, who at present seems my most likely candidate. I’m pretty much decided as to what I’d like to have done but I need to speak to whichever surgeon I decide upon before being absolutely sure. I was thinking of having a chondrolaryngoplasty in England as soon as possible, that’s a thyroid cartilage reduction, AKA tracheal shave, or adam’s apple made smaller to those of us who speak plain English. I’ve had one price so far, whilst the surgery costs a mere £1,000 the consultation, anaesthetist, hospital fees and travelling expenses push the actual cost up to around £3,000. A bit steep for such a quick and relatively straightforward procedure. I only know of two other surgeons in the UK who perform this operation, one of whom I’ve only heard bad things about and the other I will try to get a price from tomorrow. I doubt it will be much, if any, less. Which means that I would be considerably better off financially to have this done at the same time as my FFS, which just means I have to be more patient. I could in fact fly to Thailand just to have this done and still save around £1,000 off the cost of having it done here, and that would also give me chance to suss things out over there, but it’s a bloody long way to go for a 30 – 40 minute procedure. I remain open-minded, or undecided to be honest. I’m not in a great hurry for the FFS; I want to get more fit first, it will certainly be a gruelling experience, and of course I want to be absolutely sure of all that’s involved. But with summer approaching and me wanting to get out much more often, not to mention the NHS required "real life experience" looming on the horizon, I feel very conscious of the rather large protrusion on my neck. I get around it by wearing light scarves or high neck sweaters in the winter, not practical of course in summer. It is after all, a dead give-away, and rather ugly. Oh and I had my ears pierced recently, which was nice. I expect it will piss my dad off, but I can’t help that. My body, my ears, my life. And I am in control of it, not him. xx
    Mar 31, 2005 1242
  • 29 Mar 2005
    Please try to understand before one of us dies Despite the light-hearted Fawlty Towers title, I don’t know if I actually want to blog at the moment, but I have to do something to stop the tears so let’s give it a go. It’s been a difficult day, and I’ve only been up a few hours. I’ve had two less than positive emails from my dad and brother, which I found quite upsetting. Dad had not responded to my last few mails and I guess he just needs time to think, understandable in the circumstances. His brief note today explained that and a couple of other points, which I do appreciate but it’s so hard for me to think that I am somehow inflicting pain on him, causing him distress. Despite our lengthy phone conversation he says he doesn’t really know what to say to me, quite out of character to say the least. My brother just had a go at me, I won’t go into why, but it was deeply upsetting and somewhat accusative. I replied to them both, stressing yet again that I don’t want to hurt anyone, or force anything upon them, and reminding them that I just want to survive; my life is indeed at stake here. There was a thread some time ago in the forums about whether coming out to your family is selfish. I stand by what I said then – no, it isn’t. I am of course acutely aware of how I go about this, how it will affect other people, and I may not do things the ideal way, but I am trying to do this as best I can. I think perhaps that some of my actions have been misinterpreted already. I wish I knew how to make people understand, show them that they don’t need to be distressed, but I must be patient, and remain ever hopeful. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt anyone, which is why I’ve left it so late in life; I’m over 40 now, I think it’s about time I sorted myself out, thought about myself instead of the effects that this truth would have on people. But I still think of that, and I do my best to remain considerate, and I always will. Dad will be seeing mum tomorrow, I’m glad they still get on, having been divorced for over 20 years. I hope mum will be a calming influence, if anyone can help in that way then she can. I’d like to offer calming words too, in fact that is all I can offer, but for the moment I can’t get close to one of them and the other is telling me I’m doing it all wrong already. To some people, I never do anything right. I imagine if my dad or brother ever read this, and perhaps other blogs, they would be incensed. How dare I share our family problems with a potential audience of 25,000 people? I know they see all this as a problem, and I understand how that is indeed the case for them. But who has the real problem here? Whose life is it anyway? Who do they think is hurting the most? I avoided telling anyone for so long partly out of fear and partly because I wanted to avoid inflicting any pain on them, or even just embarrassment. Now, I want to help them with that pain because I know it’s not as bad as they probably think at the moment. But I have to heal my own pain. I guess I can’t do both at once. It will all take time, and I do understand what my brother said to me and why, but it was very upsetting. I don’t think he has any idea how I feel in all of this and I don’t think he appreciates that I really am trying to deal with the people close to me in the best way I can; for them I mean, not for me. I’ve spent my whole life feeling that I am misunderstood, it’s a bugger. I wish people would understand me.
    502 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Please try to understand before one of us dies Despite the light-hearted Fawlty Towers title, I don’t know if I actually want to blog at the moment, but I have to do something to stop the tears so let’s give it a go. It’s been a difficult day, and I’ve only been up a few hours. I’ve had two less than positive emails from my dad and brother, which I found quite upsetting. Dad had not responded to my last few mails and I guess he just needs time to think, understandable in the circumstances. His brief note today explained that and a couple of other points, which I do appreciate but it’s so hard for me to think that I am somehow inflicting pain on him, causing him distress. Despite our lengthy phone conversation he says he doesn’t really know what to say to me, quite out of character to say the least. My brother just had a go at me, I won’t go into why, but it was deeply upsetting and somewhat accusative. I replied to them both, stressing yet again that I don’t want to hurt anyone, or force anything upon them, and reminding them that I just want to survive; my life is indeed at stake here. There was a thread some time ago in the forums about whether coming out to your family is selfish. I stand by what I said then – no, it isn’t. I am of course acutely aware of how I go about this, how it will affect other people, and I may not do things the ideal way, but I am trying to do this as best I can. I think perhaps that some of my actions have been misinterpreted already. I wish I knew how to make people understand, show them that they don’t need to be distressed, but I must be patient, and remain ever hopeful. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt anyone, which is why I’ve left it so late in life; I’m over 40 now, I think it’s about time I sorted myself out, thought about myself instead of the effects that this truth would have on people. But I still think of that, and I do my best to remain considerate, and I always will. Dad will be seeing mum tomorrow, I’m glad they still get on, having been divorced for over 20 years. I hope mum will be a calming influence, if anyone can help in that way then she can. I’d like to offer calming words too, in fact that is all I can offer, but for the moment I can’t get close to one of them and the other is telling me I’m doing it all wrong already. To some people, I never do anything right. I imagine if my dad or brother ever read this, and perhaps other blogs, they would be incensed. How dare I share our family problems with a potential audience of 25,000 people? I know they see all this as a problem, and I understand how that is indeed the case for them. But who has the real problem here? Whose life is it anyway? Who do they think is hurting the most? I avoided telling anyone for so long partly out of fear and partly because I wanted to avoid inflicting any pain on them, or even just embarrassment. Now, I want to help them with that pain because I know it’s not as bad as they probably think at the moment. But I have to heal my own pain. I guess I can’t do both at once. It will all take time, and I do understand what my brother said to me and why, but it was very upsetting. I don’t think he has any idea how I feel in all of this and I don’t think he appreciates that I really am trying to deal with the people close to me in the best way I can; for them I mean, not for me. I’ve spent my whole life feeling that I am misunderstood, it’s a bugger. I wish people would understand me.
    Mar 29, 2005 502
  • 23 Mar 2005
    Do you want chips with that…? No fried brain will do thanks… Having spent the best part of an hour on the phone to my dad last night I did indeed feel like my brain was fried. I tried to send a couple of emails shortly afterwards which I’d normally whiz off in a few minutes, but found I was having real difficulty forming sentences. One can only do so much outpouring of emotions. My dad hadn’t received the email I’d sent him the other week, but had rung my brother who somehow mentioned my "news". Reluctantly the news was dragged out of him, and I can’t blame him for that, in fact Dad told me what he’d said to extract said news and I would have done the same. Anyway big brother must have broken it reasonably gently, and didn’t give him all the details so there was still a lot for us to discuss. Before we spoke properly, I had finally succeeded in emailing the very long letter I had written, explaining things as best I could, with plenty more surprises in store. Dad was obviously shocked, a bit upset and is clearly not convinced this is a good idea. Yet. Of course it’s only right that he should voice his concerns, and I would expect that, but I think he will continue to be my harshest critic for quite some time. Perhaps he always has been, is that what dads are for? Anyway, I don’t mind that, I can take criticism, in fact even if it’s not intended to be constructive I always try to view it that way. How else are you going to learn about yourself, or realise improvements? He’s a realist, so am I actually, but he doesn’t quite realise that. Hang on… I know it will take some time to convince him all this is right for me, but I will never give up that fight. I’ve had to fight for a lot of things, and there is a lot more aggro in store, but there’s no way I can ever give in and go back to attempting to conform with society’s idea of normal. So, a lot was said, and I shan’t go into details, my brain is still in the cooler, recovering. The main thing is, he is still talking, and seems to want to discuss things, which is positive. It could certainly have been a lot worse.
    469 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Do you want chips with that…? No fried brain will do thanks… Having spent the best part of an hour on the phone to my dad last night I did indeed feel like my brain was fried. I tried to send a couple of emails shortly afterwards which I’d normally whiz off in a few minutes, but found I was having real difficulty forming sentences. One can only do so much outpouring of emotions. My dad hadn’t received the email I’d sent him the other week, but had rung my brother who somehow mentioned my "news". Reluctantly the news was dragged out of him, and I can’t blame him for that, in fact Dad told me what he’d said to extract said news and I would have done the same. Anyway big brother must have broken it reasonably gently, and didn’t give him all the details so there was still a lot for us to discuss. Before we spoke properly, I had finally succeeded in emailing the very long letter I had written, explaining things as best I could, with plenty more surprises in store. Dad was obviously shocked, a bit upset and is clearly not convinced this is a good idea. Yet. Of course it’s only right that he should voice his concerns, and I would expect that, but I think he will continue to be my harshest critic for quite some time. Perhaps he always has been, is that what dads are for? Anyway, I don’t mind that, I can take criticism, in fact even if it’s not intended to be constructive I always try to view it that way. How else are you going to learn about yourself, or realise improvements? He’s a realist, so am I actually, but he doesn’t quite realise that. Hang on… I know it will take some time to convince him all this is right for me, but I will never give up that fight. I’ve had to fight for a lot of things, and there is a lot more aggro in store, but there’s no way I can ever give in and go back to attempting to conform with society’s idea of normal. So, a lot was said, and I shan’t go into details, my brain is still in the cooler, recovering. The main thing is, he is still talking, and seems to want to discuss things, which is positive. It could certainly have been a lot worse.
    Mar 23, 2005 469
  • 17 Mar 2005
    Two down, one to go. I found out that my dad is away this week so he won’t get his shock-horror email until Monday at the earliest (…and breathe). I was a bit nervy about him receiving the news but less so now, maybe by Sunday I will be again, but perhaps not so bad. I know what I’m doing is right, and the best thing I could do. In fact I feel this is the best thing I have ever done for myself; allowed myself to live, and enjoy life. My brother and stepsister have both been in touch, and have both been supportive, initially at least. There is of course still a lot to work through and I think there are still some issues to be addressed. My brother told me about his new partner, I avoided telling him about mine, just for now. One thing at a time. As I’ve said, I never expected to fall in love with a man, but I bet he will be expecting that even less. And really that is not the issue, it is my gender that they all need to understand. I saw my GP today. He was very nice, didn’t flinch, showed no doubt towards me or my condition, and said he would do all he could to help me. He was quite dishy too! Probably too young for me though. (You know you’re getting old when…) He needed to speak to his partners to check on the funding situation, but said all being well he would contact the gender clinic at Charing Cross, hopefully to get me referred. I know that some health authorities will refer you to a local psychiatrist for assessment, so that could be a possibility. I asked if in the meantime I could have some blood tests as I am self-medicating, but he wasn’t keen on doing that, perhaps a legal issue there? Local GP’s are not allowed to prescribe female hormones to men, so perhaps it’s simply fear of litigation, and you can’t blame them in today’s society. To take blood tests would be to assume responsibility, presumably. He said (when I prompted him) that he was probably supposed to advise me that self-medication was not wise, but seemed to think that what I was taking was reasonable. I’m sure I’m fine though, in fact I have literally never felt better. Just need to stay off the booze, which I have avoided completely for the last two weeks nearly, in fact I’ve only drunk twice in the last 5 weeks or so. One of those occasions though despite taking it easy by my usual standards, was a case of one too many and I could feel my liver complaining bitterly. Spironolactone, or oestradiol, or progesterone will all put extra strain on the liver, so all 3 together… well, I certainly can’t do any more bingeing for a while. I’ve also cut right down on junky food, sweet stuff (ohh the temptation), and even coffee in the mornings, replacing fry-ups and half a gallon of caffeine drink with fruit and yoghurt. After a couple of weeks, wow do I feel the difference; mentally, physically and, er what else is there? (Ever seen "You are what you eat"? Shocking!) I haven’t given up chocolate entirely though, that would NOT be at all girly, anyway, is that actually possible? We are only human after all. In the not too distant future (I hope), I will be putting my body through some quite extreme medical procedures, so it’s of utmost importance that I am fit and well to be able to cope with it. Did a quick bit of shopping while I was in town, bought 2 chunky knitted tops (in the sale, as spring is fast approaching) and a more summery jacket, as I only had one big, and rather heavy coat. All nice stuff and all good bargains. The Doctor’s positive and caring attitude was very reassuring, and it feels like I’ve moved a step closer towards to my goal. A couple of bargains later and I was on top of the world. I feel good today. I love being a girl. xx
    465 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Two down, one to go. I found out that my dad is away this week so he won’t get his shock-horror email until Monday at the earliest (…and breathe). I was a bit nervy about him receiving the news but less so now, maybe by Sunday I will be again, but perhaps not so bad. I know what I’m doing is right, and the best thing I could do. In fact I feel this is the best thing I have ever done for myself; allowed myself to live, and enjoy life. My brother and stepsister have both been in touch, and have both been supportive, initially at least. There is of course still a lot to work through and I think there are still some issues to be addressed. My brother told me about his new partner, I avoided telling him about mine, just for now. One thing at a time. As I’ve said, I never expected to fall in love with a man, but I bet he will be expecting that even less. And really that is not the issue, it is my gender that they all need to understand. I saw my GP today. He was very nice, didn’t flinch, showed no doubt towards me or my condition, and said he would do all he could to help me. He was quite dishy too! Probably too young for me though. (You know you’re getting old when…) He needed to speak to his partners to check on the funding situation, but said all being well he would contact the gender clinic at Charing Cross, hopefully to get me referred. I know that some health authorities will refer you to a local psychiatrist for assessment, so that could be a possibility. I asked if in the meantime I could have some blood tests as I am self-medicating, but he wasn’t keen on doing that, perhaps a legal issue there? Local GP’s are not allowed to prescribe female hormones to men, so perhaps it’s simply fear of litigation, and you can’t blame them in today’s society. To take blood tests would be to assume responsibility, presumably. He said (when I prompted him) that he was probably supposed to advise me that self-medication was not wise, but seemed to think that what I was taking was reasonable. I’m sure I’m fine though, in fact I have literally never felt better. Just need to stay off the booze, which I have avoided completely for the last two weeks nearly, in fact I’ve only drunk twice in the last 5 weeks or so. One of those occasions though despite taking it easy by my usual standards, was a case of one too many and I could feel my liver complaining bitterly. Spironolactone, or oestradiol, or progesterone will all put extra strain on the liver, so all 3 together… well, I certainly can’t do any more bingeing for a while. I’ve also cut right down on junky food, sweet stuff (ohh the temptation), and even coffee in the mornings, replacing fry-ups and half a gallon of caffeine drink with fruit and yoghurt. After a couple of weeks, wow do I feel the difference; mentally, physically and, er what else is there? (Ever seen "You are what you eat"? Shocking!) I haven’t given up chocolate entirely though, that would NOT be at all girly, anyway, is that actually possible? We are only human after all. In the not too distant future (I hope), I will be putting my body through some quite extreme medical procedures, so it’s of utmost importance that I am fit and well to be able to cope with it. Did a quick bit of shopping while I was in town, bought 2 chunky knitted tops (in the sale, as spring is fast approaching) and a more summery jacket, as I only had one big, and rather heavy coat. All nice stuff and all good bargains. The Doctor’s positive and caring attitude was very reassuring, and it feels like I’ve moved a step closer towards to my goal. A couple of bargains later and I was on top of the world. I feel good today. I love being a girl. xx
    Mar 17, 2005 465
  • 14 Mar 2005
    Lucy D-day Today I emailed the letters I have written to my dad and brother, tomorrow I’ll post a similar one to my stepsister. An attack on all fronts. I now have to play the waiting game for them to reply. If they ever want to speak to me again that is. Reading through the letters last night I was literally scared to tears. I felt quite childlike in my feebleness. My strength and resolve have returned today and I tried not to hover my mouse for too long over the "send" button. I can’t help being concerned about their reactions, especially my dad's, but when all is said and done no-one’s reaction to this news is going to stop me from doing what I need to do. If I were to buckle under pressure, or give in to my own fears I would be dead. There is little choice really, and not only do I need to make the changes I have decided upon, but I want to, more than anything I have ever wanted. Which makes me determined, and when I’m determined it’s better for people if they don‘t get in my way. I feel I am prepared for anything, including facing my dad who I am convinced will try to talk me out of it. He never will. No-one can ever get inside my head and make me believe that I am really just a normal man and am able to live as such. That’s not what I am. I’m not a normal woman either, but that’s what I want to be and that’s where I’m headed. Nothing will stop me. I sit watching my inbox, phone at my side, my heart will thump like hell if it rings, or if I receive a message and I will be nervous talking to any of them. But I’ve told them what I need to and that’s the hardest part. Even if you plan exactly what to say, when it’s someone you love it is so difficult to get the words out, like some evil spirit is trying to stop you from speaking, trying to seal up your mouth. When the words come out, it doesn’t sound like you talking, a voice in the distance; my god, is that ME telling my mother I’ve always felt I should have been a girl. I guess it must have been. My brother lives at the other end of the country so logistics prevented me from telling him in person, and I simply wouldn’t be able to talk anything other than gibberish had I sat and faced my dad with this shocking news. So a letter seemed the best way to explain it properly, coherently and reasonably fully to all concerned. I find it virtually impossible to explain the lifelong feelings which have caused me to make this decision, I guess it’s something you can’t do in a letter, or all at once. So I need them to talk to me, and to ask lots of questions. All I hope is that one day they and everyone else will understand. Until that time I hope that they at least try to understand. And that is all I ask of them.
    485 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Lucy D-day Today I emailed the letters I have written to my dad and brother, tomorrow I’ll post a similar one to my stepsister. An attack on all fronts. I now have to play the waiting game for them to reply. If they ever want to speak to me again that is. Reading through the letters last night I was literally scared to tears. I felt quite childlike in my feebleness. My strength and resolve have returned today and I tried not to hover my mouse for too long over the "send" button. I can’t help being concerned about their reactions, especially my dad's, but when all is said and done no-one’s reaction to this news is going to stop me from doing what I need to do. If I were to buckle under pressure, or give in to my own fears I would be dead. There is little choice really, and not only do I need to make the changes I have decided upon, but I want to, more than anything I have ever wanted. Which makes me determined, and when I’m determined it’s better for people if they don‘t get in my way. I feel I am prepared for anything, including facing my dad who I am convinced will try to talk me out of it. He never will. No-one can ever get inside my head and make me believe that I am really just a normal man and am able to live as such. That’s not what I am. I’m not a normal woman either, but that’s what I want to be and that’s where I’m headed. Nothing will stop me. I sit watching my inbox, phone at my side, my heart will thump like hell if it rings, or if I receive a message and I will be nervous talking to any of them. But I’ve told them what I need to and that’s the hardest part. Even if you plan exactly what to say, when it’s someone you love it is so difficult to get the words out, like some evil spirit is trying to stop you from speaking, trying to seal up your mouth. When the words come out, it doesn’t sound like you talking, a voice in the distance; my god, is that ME telling my mother I’ve always felt I should have been a girl. I guess it must have been. My brother lives at the other end of the country so logistics prevented me from telling him in person, and I simply wouldn’t be able to talk anything other than gibberish had I sat and faced my dad with this shocking news. So a letter seemed the best way to explain it properly, coherently and reasonably fully to all concerned. I find it virtually impossible to explain the lifelong feelings which have caused me to make this decision, I guess it’s something you can’t do in a letter, or all at once. So I need them to talk to me, and to ask lots of questions. All I hope is that one day they and everyone else will understand. Until that time I hope that they at least try to understand. And that is all I ask of them.
    Mar 14, 2005 485
  • 10 Mar 2005
    The unsent letter Today I wrote my dad "The letter", the one that tells him everything he needs to know about me but was afraid to ask. Well to be honest everything I have always been afraid to tell him. To say I am emotionally drained would be a serious understatement. I wrote from the heart, at great length, and was in floods of tears most of the time. The words weren’t hard to find, but when they came out, so did my emotions. I didn’t quite expect it to have that effect on me, but I do feel better having written it. I don’t know quite how he will take it, how he will react, how he will be towards me in the future, but now I’ve said it all, I know I’m doing the right thing. I do hope he will want to talk to me, I have so much more to say, it’s not possible to say it all in one letter. He may never wish to speak to me again, seriously, but I just don’t know, so I’m not going to try and guess. Stress is bad for you so I’m not going to stress about it either, just wait and see what happens. I won’t send the letter for a few more days; as I said there is something to be got out of the way, and I’ve no idea how often he checks his email (yes it has to be via email, I don’t have a printer, and my hands were shaking too much to write with a pen). I now have another letter to write to my brother, and I also have a stepsister who I’m quite fond of and who of course needs to be told, somehow, but for today, I’ve done enough letter writing. That, when it’s all done, is my immediate family out of the way. There are several uncles, aunts, cousins and a grandparent, but I’m can’t say I’m too worried about any of them. My gran is lovely, and hopefully my mum will explain it to her, when the time is right. Then there are friends, just a few left really that don’t already know and are proper friends, but there are lots of acquaintances. Oh well, I see this as a test for them, are they decent people or are they complete morons? We shall soon know. I have made an appointment to see my GP, don’t know what he will think either, but professional help can’t be a bad thing. I need to get some tests done, as I’ve been self-medicating for several months now, no doubt I will get a slap on the wrist for that, but tough. Hopefully he will see that I am serious at least. I haven’t seen him before, but I’m told he’s quite young. I will be very surprised if he’s ever come across this before, in his profession at least, I must ask him. Who knows, maybe he’s a regular at The Village…? One thing I must add to today’s blog, ‘cos this is really weird this is – I got some new clothes today in the post, nice black gypsy skirt, very me, nice top, camisole… and trousers! Yes you read it right, Lucy now owns trousers. Hipster style, and this is the weird part – I actually quite like them. Combined with the new top they look quite sexy, a rather elegant outfit in fact. Must take a picture soon, make sure it’s not just my imagination. It was an experiment really, but something that perhaps I could get used to. Well a girl’s got to be versatile. I must go and try them on again, see if I still like them… They arrived at the same time as my credit card bill, oh dear. You could say it has been a day of mixed emotions. xx
    536 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • The unsent letter Today I wrote my dad "The letter", the one that tells him everything he needs to know about me but was afraid to ask. Well to be honest everything I have always been afraid to tell him. To say I am emotionally drained would be a serious understatement. I wrote from the heart, at great length, and was in floods of tears most of the time. The words weren’t hard to find, but when they came out, so did my emotions. I didn’t quite expect it to have that effect on me, but I do feel better having written it. I don’t know quite how he will take it, how he will react, how he will be towards me in the future, but now I’ve said it all, I know I’m doing the right thing. I do hope he will want to talk to me, I have so much more to say, it’s not possible to say it all in one letter. He may never wish to speak to me again, seriously, but I just don’t know, so I’m not going to try and guess. Stress is bad for you so I’m not going to stress about it either, just wait and see what happens. I won’t send the letter for a few more days; as I said there is something to be got out of the way, and I’ve no idea how often he checks his email (yes it has to be via email, I don’t have a printer, and my hands were shaking too much to write with a pen). I now have another letter to write to my brother, and I also have a stepsister who I’m quite fond of and who of course needs to be told, somehow, but for today, I’ve done enough letter writing. That, when it’s all done, is my immediate family out of the way. There are several uncles, aunts, cousins and a grandparent, but I’m can’t say I’m too worried about any of them. My gran is lovely, and hopefully my mum will explain it to her, when the time is right. Then there are friends, just a few left really that don’t already know and are proper friends, but there are lots of acquaintances. Oh well, I see this as a test for them, are they decent people or are they complete morons? We shall soon know. I have made an appointment to see my GP, don’t know what he will think either, but professional help can’t be a bad thing. I need to get some tests done, as I’ve been self-medicating for several months now, no doubt I will get a slap on the wrist for that, but tough. Hopefully he will see that I am serious at least. I haven’t seen him before, but I’m told he’s quite young. I will be very surprised if he’s ever come across this before, in his profession at least, I must ask him. Who knows, maybe he’s a regular at The Village…? One thing I must add to today’s blog, ‘cos this is really weird this is – I got some new clothes today in the post, nice black gypsy skirt, very me, nice top, camisole… and trousers! Yes you read it right, Lucy now owns trousers. Hipster style, and this is the weird part – I actually quite like them. Combined with the new top they look quite sexy, a rather elegant outfit in fact. Must take a picture soon, make sure it’s not just my imagination. It was an experiment really, but something that perhaps I could get used to. Well a girl’s got to be versatile. I must go and try them on again, see if I still like them… They arrived at the same time as my credit card bill, oh dear. You could say it has been a day of mixed emotions. xx
    Mar 10, 2005 536
  • 06 Mar 2005
    A maid in the parlour, a whore in the kitchen, no hang on that's not right... It’s been a very, very, VERY long time since I had a dinner party, well I mean more than one friend round to dinner at any one time, but tonight I broke the deadlock. Ann, Chris and Liz came round, that’s my friend, the singer I worked with for 25 years in various bands, and his wife – my hairdresser. It’s been really lovely and I just want to do it again. For the foodies amongst you I cooked roasted fillet of beef with a white wine and cassis sauce, new potatoes, steamed chantennay carrots, and green beans in garlic butter. Now if any of you English people have been watching the new series of Masterchef on telly, you may be wondering if there could possibly be any "marriage" in that combination. Bloody food snobs, trust me, it worked, a marriage made in heaven in fact. Yum. Liz had told her mum about me, as I’ve been to their house several times recently and her mum often pops in, and her very straight, teetotal and somewhat old-fashioned mum was fine with it. Liz gave her mum my number tonight as she was babysitting and her mum had asked who she should ask for if she needed to phone, ie "Fred" or Lucy, no, she should ask for LIZ or CHRIS…! Anyway it really has been lovely to have such wonderful friends round, ones who offer so much support and love, amazing really. Very nice people. I used to have various friends round for dinner or whatever quite often, but I think I stopped wanting to because it meant being in drab all night, and pretending to be the bloke that they thought they knew. It wasn’t a conscious decision, just some kind of evolution, which I was hardly aware of in fact. Maybe that’s why I stopped wanting to have girlfriends. From the age of 12 or 13, until I was 30ish, I always felt I ought to be with someone, didn’t feel complete on my own. I see that trait still in my brother and my dad, but no longer in myself, or my mum for that matter. Without wishing to appear holier than thou or anyone else, I think I see both sides of the coin, I know why people feel like that, but for me personally it seems like an invisible trap I have escaped from. At one time some of my friends and family put my chosen solitude solely down to the sad experience of my wife leaving, you know the sort of cliché – wants to avoid being hurt again, or whatever. It wasn’t like that, not at all. I’ve had to remind my family in fact that I did have several girlfriends after my wife, one who lasted about a year, I think some people have selective memories to justify their own amateur psychology. Bah, I could teach them a thing or two… That last girlfriend I wish I could see again, to explain properly why I finished with her, because she was the only girl I ever finished with. I really liked her, but I was changing then, and it was more like she was a girlfriend in the sense of, girly mate; I wanted to be her equal. I wasn’t totally aware of how I was changing, though I wasn’t totally oblivious to it either. It was just getting to be impractical, and frankly, a nuisance having to hide all my clothes and so on every time she came round. I guess I was starting to find a new kind of freedom; the freedom of being myself, though nothing compared to what I have since discovered about myself. So have I come full circle? Er, no. But I’m in a relationship again? Well yes but it’s different, I wasn’t looking for it and it’s with a man for a start off. But I thought you were…? Straight, yes I know, so did I, but then again, I have been wondering about that for 20 years or more. So you are… er…? Yes I would say I’m bisexual, which kind of makes it easier when people ask me about my sexuality; that really does seem to get people in a bit of a fuddle ("so if you like girls then you’re a lesbian, and if you like guys then you’re gay, I mean a straight woman, I mean… what do I mean?") What they don’t realise they are trying to say is that I love people for who they are, not for what they are. One could say I’m not fussy, but that would be frivolous, and most of my friends would seriously disagree with that statement! (I like things to be "just so", nothing else will do). I seem to have digressed, talking about sex like Basil Fawlty… One thing that came up tonight… (that was YOU with the double entendres, not me), was why don’t we old fogies have parties any more? Well, we are too old, we are fogies, and well, why should we? All valid points. Something big on my mind, and growing all the time (you’re doing it again), is quite how I deal with coming out. I thought I was forming a plan in my head, a little vague, but conceptually plan-esque, but tonight I suddenly seemed to come out with the idea of having a coming out party. The room erupted, apparently it was a good idea. Quite the opposite to the vague ideas I’ve so far had about so and so telling so and so, and if I meet people in the street then that’s one way for them to find out. So maybe I’ll do that, hey I could do with a good party, and there are people out there who need educating. Besides there’s nothing like the feel-good factor for making people, er, feel good. (Sybil Fawlty, chosen subject, the bleedin’ obvious). Quoting Fawlty Towers must mean it’s late and/or I’m waffling (I do it so well, don’t you think?) So to bed… to sleep, perchance to dream. That was the Mrs Peignoir episode, now there’s a name! Surely there must be a Ms Peignoir on Trannyweb? Well there ought to be. Nighty night everyone. xx (Yes I know Shakespeare wrote it originally, but who was funnier, him or Cleese? Answers on a postcard please. For me, no contest, verily, in sooth… blergghh).
    452 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • A maid in the parlour, a whore in the kitchen, no hang on that's not right... It’s been a very, very, VERY long time since I had a dinner party, well I mean more than one friend round to dinner at any one time, but tonight I broke the deadlock. Ann, Chris and Liz came round, that’s my friend, the singer I worked with for 25 years in various bands, and his wife – my hairdresser. It’s been really lovely and I just want to do it again. For the foodies amongst you I cooked roasted fillet of beef with a white wine and cassis sauce, new potatoes, steamed chantennay carrots, and green beans in garlic butter. Now if any of you English people have been watching the new series of Masterchef on telly, you may be wondering if there could possibly be any "marriage" in that combination. Bloody food snobs, trust me, it worked, a marriage made in heaven in fact. Yum. Liz had told her mum about me, as I’ve been to their house several times recently and her mum often pops in, and her very straight, teetotal and somewhat old-fashioned mum was fine with it. Liz gave her mum my number tonight as she was babysitting and her mum had asked who she should ask for if she needed to phone, ie "Fred" or Lucy, no, she should ask for LIZ or CHRIS…! Anyway it really has been lovely to have such wonderful friends round, ones who offer so much support and love, amazing really. Very nice people. I used to have various friends round for dinner or whatever quite often, but I think I stopped wanting to because it meant being in drab all night, and pretending to be the bloke that they thought they knew. It wasn’t a conscious decision, just some kind of evolution, which I was hardly aware of in fact. Maybe that’s why I stopped wanting to have girlfriends. From the age of 12 or 13, until I was 30ish, I always felt I ought to be with someone, didn’t feel complete on my own. I see that trait still in my brother and my dad, but no longer in myself, or my mum for that matter. Without wishing to appear holier than thou or anyone else, I think I see both sides of the coin, I know why people feel like that, but for me personally it seems like an invisible trap I have escaped from. At one time some of my friends and family put my chosen solitude solely down to the sad experience of my wife leaving, you know the sort of cliché – wants to avoid being hurt again, or whatever. It wasn’t like that, not at all. I’ve had to remind my family in fact that I did have several girlfriends after my wife, one who lasted about a year, I think some people have selective memories to justify their own amateur psychology. Bah, I could teach them a thing or two… That last girlfriend I wish I could see again, to explain properly why I finished with her, because she was the only girl I ever finished with. I really liked her, but I was changing then, and it was more like she was a girlfriend in the sense of, girly mate; I wanted to be her equal. I wasn’t totally aware of how I was changing, though I wasn’t totally oblivious to it either. It was just getting to be impractical, and frankly, a nuisance having to hide all my clothes and so on every time she came round. I guess I was starting to find a new kind of freedom; the freedom of being myself, though nothing compared to what I have since discovered about myself. So have I come full circle? Er, no. But I’m in a relationship again? Well yes but it’s different, I wasn’t looking for it and it’s with a man for a start off. But I thought you were…? Straight, yes I know, so did I, but then again, I have been wondering about that for 20 years or more. So you are… er…? Yes I would say I’m bisexual, which kind of makes it easier when people ask me about my sexuality; that really does seem to get people in a bit of a fuddle ("so if you like girls then you’re a lesbian, and if you like guys then you’re gay, I mean a straight woman, I mean… what do I mean?") What they don’t realise they are trying to say is that I love people for who they are, not for what they are. One could say I’m not fussy, but that would be frivolous, and most of my friends would seriously disagree with that statement! (I like things to be "just so", nothing else will do). I seem to have digressed, talking about sex like Basil Fawlty… One thing that came up tonight… (that was YOU with the double entendres, not me), was why don’t we old fogies have parties any more? Well, we are too old, we are fogies, and well, why should we? All valid points. Something big on my mind, and growing all the time (you’re doing it again), is quite how I deal with coming out. I thought I was forming a plan in my head, a little vague, but conceptually plan-esque, but tonight I suddenly seemed to come out with the idea of having a coming out party. The room erupted, apparently it was a good idea. Quite the opposite to the vague ideas I’ve so far had about so and so telling so and so, and if I meet people in the street then that’s one way for them to find out. So maybe I’ll do that, hey I could do with a good party, and there are people out there who need educating. Besides there’s nothing like the feel-good factor for making people, er, feel good. (Sybil Fawlty, chosen subject, the bleedin’ obvious). Quoting Fawlty Towers must mean it’s late and/or I’m waffling (I do it so well, don’t you think?) So to bed… to sleep, perchance to dream. That was the Mrs Peignoir episode, now there’s a name! Surely there must be a Ms Peignoir on Trannyweb? Well there ought to be. Nighty night everyone. xx (Yes I know Shakespeare wrote it originally, but who was funnier, him or Cleese? Answers on a postcard please. For me, no contest, verily, in sooth… blergghh).
    Mar 06, 2005 452