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Lucy Diamond 's Entries

204 blogs
  • 12 Jan 2005
    What you waitin’ for? So asketh Gwen Stefani, love that song. 2005 feels much the same as 2004 so far, give or take a digit, and my life seems much the same, but one should never expect miracles… As I mentioned, me, Pippa and Cerys met up at the village just after I got back from my family Christmas, (account in Cerys’ blog), which was most welcome after my drab week ordeal. Quite amazingly the window closed properly at the International Hotel this time, and they had put a portable heater in the room, so it was much more comfortable than last time we stayed there, though the trams woke us up as always (only a single glazed window see). Was a lovely evening and we met quite a few girls around the Village, but I’m finding I’m unable to drink large amounts, I think this is due to the drugs I’m taking, in particular the spironolactone; I’m now on 200mg a day. For those interested I’m also on 6mg Estrofem (estradiol) per day and, for 7 days each month 100mg Utrogestan (progesterone) per day. I’m experimenting with that really, there seems to be differing opinions about its use. I took it for a month and my skin improved considerably within a few days, but by the end of the month the skin was starting to feel dry and a little rough, so I think maybe that was overdoing it. If anyone out there has any experience of taking progesterone I’d be most interested. I will, I promise, be seeking medical advice in the very near future. Once I get referred to a gender clinic they ought to prescribe me the drugs, though they’re not too expensive to buy (globaldrug.tv is the cheapest, though they don’t seem to do progesterone so I get that from Inhouse Pharmacy). I’m trying to second guess how my dad will react, or rather just how badly he will react. I’m not sure whether it will be best to see a doctor first to show I mean business or whether he will think that I ought to have spoken to him first, maybe it really doesn’t matter. Having lived in close quarters with him for nearly a week I felt less that he didn’t really need to know just yet and more that I was hiding the truth from him, so much so that I feel I’m being dishonest with him now. I need to get moving with my transition, more than just taking hormones, so I really ought to bite the bullet and tell him. I have to admit, it will be the scariest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve no idea how to go about it with a view to damage limitation. He’s not a scary person as such, just has narrow minded views on what is normal, and a lack of understanding (I think) about this sort of thing being chance, not choice, as Wendy puts it. Even if he realises that my transsexualism was given to me at birth, he will still argue that I have the choice of what to do about it, and that my chosen path is the wrong direction entirely. But I know I can’t go on living a half-life. The past year really was the best year of my life so far, I’ve met wonderful people and worked through my own problems and discovered a whole lot more about myself, but I would still be in limbo if I stay like this. Eventually the money will run out and I’ll need to find a job. I’d like to be able to do that as Lucy, not as Fred (no that’s not my "real" name, but it’ll do for you) and I have a wonderful opportunity to take the steps I need to achieve that. Besides, the body clock is ticking away, tick tock tick tock…
    420 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • What you waitin’ for? So asketh Gwen Stefani, love that song. 2005 feels much the same as 2004 so far, give or take a digit, and my life seems much the same, but one should never expect miracles… As I mentioned, me, Pippa and Cerys met up at the village just after I got back from my family Christmas, (account in Cerys’ blog), which was most welcome after my drab week ordeal. Quite amazingly the window closed properly at the International Hotel this time, and they had put a portable heater in the room, so it was much more comfortable than last time we stayed there, though the trams woke us up as always (only a single glazed window see). Was a lovely evening and we met quite a few girls around the Village, but I’m finding I’m unable to drink large amounts, I think this is due to the drugs I’m taking, in particular the spironolactone; I’m now on 200mg a day. For those interested I’m also on 6mg Estrofem (estradiol) per day and, for 7 days each month 100mg Utrogestan (progesterone) per day. I’m experimenting with that really, there seems to be differing opinions about its use. I took it for a month and my skin improved considerably within a few days, but by the end of the month the skin was starting to feel dry and a little rough, so I think maybe that was overdoing it. If anyone out there has any experience of taking progesterone I’d be most interested. I will, I promise, be seeking medical advice in the very near future. Once I get referred to a gender clinic they ought to prescribe me the drugs, though they’re not too expensive to buy (globaldrug.tv is the cheapest, though they don’t seem to do progesterone so I get that from Inhouse Pharmacy). I’m trying to second guess how my dad will react, or rather just how badly he will react. I’m not sure whether it will be best to see a doctor first to show I mean business or whether he will think that I ought to have spoken to him first, maybe it really doesn’t matter. Having lived in close quarters with him for nearly a week I felt less that he didn’t really need to know just yet and more that I was hiding the truth from him, so much so that I feel I’m being dishonest with him now. I need to get moving with my transition, more than just taking hormones, so I really ought to bite the bullet and tell him. I have to admit, it will be the scariest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve no idea how to go about it with a view to damage limitation. He’s not a scary person as such, just has narrow minded views on what is normal, and a lack of understanding (I think) about this sort of thing being chance, not choice, as Wendy puts it. Even if he realises that my transsexualism was given to me at birth, he will still argue that I have the choice of what to do about it, and that my chosen path is the wrong direction entirely. But I know I can’t go on living a half-life. The past year really was the best year of my life so far, I’ve met wonderful people and worked through my own problems and discovered a whole lot more about myself, but I would still be in limbo if I stay like this. Eventually the money will run out and I’ll need to find a job. I’d like to be able to do that as Lucy, not as Fred (no that’s not my "real" name, but it’ll do for you) and I have a wonderful opportunity to take the steps I need to achieve that. Besides, the body clock is ticking away, tick tock tick tock…
    Jan 12, 2005 420
  • 31 Dec 2004
    New year, new computer, new life My computer has been on the blink since I last posted, just didn't want to start up. Got on briefly once or twice but it just froze up again. So today I bought a new computer, not too expensive,as far as computers go, but better than the last one I hope. It seems stable anyway, hasn't crashed yet or done anything illegal. Apologies to anyone who's contacted me and not heard back from me, I'll reply next year I promise. I'm full of cold like everyone else seems to be around here, but fortunately I don't have to go anywhere or do anything tonight. And soon the year will turn, my first year of Trannyweb, and it's been an amazing one. After 41 years on this planet, this year I finally felt good about myself, and I want to go on making things better for me. I have never felt such determination whilst looking forward to a new year. It's time for some changes, and the only person that can stop me, is me. My love and thanks to all the wonderful girls I have met here, and a happy new year to you all. Lucy  xx
    503 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • New year, new computer, new life My computer has been on the blink since I last posted, just didn't want to start up. Got on briefly once or twice but it just froze up again. So today I bought a new computer, not too expensive,as far as computers go, but better than the last one I hope. It seems stable anyway, hasn't crashed yet or done anything illegal. Apologies to anyone who's contacted me and not heard back from me, I'll reply next year I promise. I'm full of cold like everyone else seems to be around here, but fortunately I don't have to go anywhere or do anything tonight. And soon the year will turn, my first year of Trannyweb, and it's been an amazing one. After 41 years on this planet, this year I finally felt good about myself, and I want to go on making things better for me. I have never felt such determination whilst looking forward to a new year. It's time for some changes, and the only person that can stop me, is me. My love and thanks to all the wonderful girls I have met here, and a happy new year to you all. Lucy  xx
    Dec 31, 2004 503
  • 28 Dec 2004
    Back in the pink I’ve been putting on the performance of male gender role for the last 5 days having spent Christmas with my family, although after a few glasses of wine I’m sure my performance slipped at times, and I became just that little bit more Lucy. So it was nice to get back home and put on some proper clothes, I haven’t been in drab that long continuously for many years. It’s not the clothes that bother me though, it’s the way I’m supposed to interact with people, in a blokey fashion. Doesn’t suit me see, doesn’t feel right anyway. So if I’m to live as Lucy I must tell the blokes in my family about me pretty soon. And try and explain what it all means. All I hope is that they try to understand. It’s a bit scary, and I was aware of the need to tell them and the sense of impending doom, constantly while they were around me. So perhaps I feel a bit emotionally drained, and tired from a long journey, but with a strong sense of having to keep moving forward. On Wednesday I shall be indulging in excess girlyness and able to let my hair down, or wig, probably. Another night in the village, Cerys tells me there is an Angels get together that night too so could be a busy night. Funny, I’ve never really looked forward to going out over Christmas but this should be fun. I do have an aversion to most Christmas songs though, especially Slade, but it’s something that you just can’t get away from so one must tolerate it. Anyway hope you girls had a good Christmas, it’s nice to be back. xx
    482 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Back in the pink I’ve been putting on the performance of male gender role for the last 5 days having spent Christmas with my family, although after a few glasses of wine I’m sure my performance slipped at times, and I became just that little bit more Lucy. So it was nice to get back home and put on some proper clothes, I haven’t been in drab that long continuously for many years. It’s not the clothes that bother me though, it’s the way I’m supposed to interact with people, in a blokey fashion. Doesn’t suit me see, doesn’t feel right anyway. So if I’m to live as Lucy I must tell the blokes in my family about me pretty soon. And try and explain what it all means. All I hope is that they try to understand. It’s a bit scary, and I was aware of the need to tell them and the sense of impending doom, constantly while they were around me. So perhaps I feel a bit emotionally drained, and tired from a long journey, but with a strong sense of having to keep moving forward. On Wednesday I shall be indulging in excess girlyness and able to let my hair down, or wig, probably. Another night in the village, Cerys tells me there is an Angels get together that night too so could be a busy night. Funny, I’ve never really looked forward to going out over Christmas but this should be fun. I do have an aversion to most Christmas songs though, especially Slade, but it’s something that you just can’t get away from so one must tolerate it. Anyway hope you girls had a good Christmas, it’s nice to be back. xx
    Dec 28, 2004 482
  • 17 Dec 2004
    Change of image Went for a haircut last night, how unexciting you all groan, well it was quite, as it was the first time I’ve had it done whilst dressed. My friends had said I could dress if I wanted, last time I went, but I didn’t, as I didn’t want to scare them too soon. They’d invited me and Ann for dinner this time, as well as a quick trim, so I thought that would be three birds with one stone, the first time they’d all seen me dressed, though Ann has seen some pics. As I was having my hair cut I obviously couldn’t wear the wig, which was a little scary as it hides more of my face than my own hair. But I think I could get used to not wearing it, just want to get a bit more length at the back. I’d also dyed it a shade blonder the day before, champagne blonde in fact, and I now have a very girly straight fringe, plain and simple but I rather like it. I’d like it blonder still though, it’s a little darker than my wig. My hosts constantly filled my glass with nice wine and we all had a great evening together. I did feel much better not having to go in drab, was lovely. I am of course very grateful for the support they’ve shown me, all very reassuring. I increased my hormone dosages a few weeks ago, and am certainly noticing the effects. It all feels very right; as each day passes I become more aware that there really is only one way forward, to transition, and live full time. I’m feeling more and more ridiculous every time I go out in drab, so I’d really rather not have to. So I’m forming a plan of action in my head, and will visit my GP in the new year, as I believe you have to be referred to any of the gender clinics in this country, I think there are only four. Some goals for the year ahead, I think living full time with normal beard growth would be prohibitively impractical, so electrolysis is a top priority, as is reduction of the Adam’s apple and possibly some other facial surgery, nothing too drastic, but at the moment that all depends on cost. Of course I can’t do all that without my dad noticing, so I must also tell him soon. Gulp. I don’t think I’d rush into full time straight away, though I would start going out dressed in my own town, that should turn a few heads, but I want to look as good as possible, to improve my chances of acceptance, hence the above. So Christmas is nearly upon us. As you know I’ve already had one early pressie, and this weekend I’m going to mum’s for a Lucy Christmas, and next week Pippa is coming over so we can have our own little Christmas together, which of course I’m really looking forward to. Then it’s normal Christmas, which will be an anti-climax after all that. This is the first time I’ve had Lucy presents though, so it’s kind of special for me. And 3 Christmases in one week, can’t be bad, though the 3rd will be with all the family, so um, who knows what might happen… Trying not to think about that.
    436 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Change of image Went for a haircut last night, how unexciting you all groan, well it was quite, as it was the first time I’ve had it done whilst dressed. My friends had said I could dress if I wanted, last time I went, but I didn’t, as I didn’t want to scare them too soon. They’d invited me and Ann for dinner this time, as well as a quick trim, so I thought that would be three birds with one stone, the first time they’d all seen me dressed, though Ann has seen some pics. As I was having my hair cut I obviously couldn’t wear the wig, which was a little scary as it hides more of my face than my own hair. But I think I could get used to not wearing it, just want to get a bit more length at the back. I’d also dyed it a shade blonder the day before, champagne blonde in fact, and I now have a very girly straight fringe, plain and simple but I rather like it. I’d like it blonder still though, it’s a little darker than my wig. My hosts constantly filled my glass with nice wine and we all had a great evening together. I did feel much better not having to go in drab, was lovely. I am of course very grateful for the support they’ve shown me, all very reassuring. I increased my hormone dosages a few weeks ago, and am certainly noticing the effects. It all feels very right; as each day passes I become more aware that there really is only one way forward, to transition, and live full time. I’m feeling more and more ridiculous every time I go out in drab, so I’d really rather not have to. So I’m forming a plan of action in my head, and will visit my GP in the new year, as I believe you have to be referred to any of the gender clinics in this country, I think there are only four. Some goals for the year ahead, I think living full time with normal beard growth would be prohibitively impractical, so electrolysis is a top priority, as is reduction of the Adam’s apple and possibly some other facial surgery, nothing too drastic, but at the moment that all depends on cost. Of course I can’t do all that without my dad noticing, so I must also tell him soon. Gulp. I don’t think I’d rush into full time straight away, though I would start going out dressed in my own town, that should turn a few heads, but I want to look as good as possible, to improve my chances of acceptance, hence the above. So Christmas is nearly upon us. As you know I’ve already had one early pressie, and this weekend I’m going to mum’s for a Lucy Christmas, and next week Pippa is coming over so we can have our own little Christmas together, which of course I’m really looking forward to. Then it’s normal Christmas, which will be an anti-climax after all that. This is the first time I’ve had Lucy presents though, so it’s kind of special for me. And 3 Christmases in one week, can’t be bad, though the 3rd will be with all the family, so um, who knows what might happen… Trying not to think about that.
    Dec 17, 2004 436
  • 10 Dec 2004
    A girl’s best friends A quick update on the week’s events, as far as I can remember them. After the formal dinner last week I had dinner on Sunday with my mum, brother and his girlfriend. I felt much more natural, more like myself, having decided that I wouldn’t try to be in bloke mode, though also not overtly camp either. Not sure if my brother noticed any difference, but his gf gave me a couple of questioning looks. She’s nice though, and it was a good evening. When the other 2 went for a walk I had a chance to talk to mum about my feelings during the formal dinner, and the impact it had on me, thereby clarifying some issues that she’d brought up the week before. I think she understands where I’m coming from and what I need to do to keep moving in the right direction, in fact she’s encouraging me to tell my dad, though we think that would be best left until after Christmas. It’s a slightly terrifying prospect, so I’ll try not to think about it too much in the meantime. On Wednesday night Pippa and I met up with Cerys and Shan in the Village. As most of you will know Cerys has just had stitches removed from her neck, has been unable to shave for a few days, and so came in drab. Actually babe, you looked rather dishy, in a rugged sort of way and I hope you didn’t feel too out of place surrounded by us girlies. It was nice to see you, however dressed, and lovely to see Shan again too, both of you are great company and we must do it again soon. Having had a super evening with the girl I love and 2 of my best friends, Pip and I got back to our warm, cosy and quiet hotel room (ie not the International) and Pippa decided to give me an early Christmas present; a silver heart-shaped pendant with several small but perfectly formed real diamonds. I was moved to tears. It’s the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received and Pippa is the most caring, sensitive and loving person I’ve ever been fortunate enough to be with. Thank you my darling, thank you so much. You are a very, very naughty girl and you really shouldn’t have, but now your heart shall always be against mine, and your heart is full of diamonds. You are a sparkling gem, not me. I love you. xx
    528 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • A girl’s best friends A quick update on the week’s events, as far as I can remember them. After the formal dinner last week I had dinner on Sunday with my mum, brother and his girlfriend. I felt much more natural, more like myself, having decided that I wouldn’t try to be in bloke mode, though also not overtly camp either. Not sure if my brother noticed any difference, but his gf gave me a couple of questioning looks. She’s nice though, and it was a good evening. When the other 2 went for a walk I had a chance to talk to mum about my feelings during the formal dinner, and the impact it had on me, thereby clarifying some issues that she’d brought up the week before. I think she understands where I’m coming from and what I need to do to keep moving in the right direction, in fact she’s encouraging me to tell my dad, though we think that would be best left until after Christmas. It’s a slightly terrifying prospect, so I’ll try not to think about it too much in the meantime. On Wednesday night Pippa and I met up with Cerys and Shan in the Village. As most of you will know Cerys has just had stitches removed from her neck, has been unable to shave for a few days, and so came in drab. Actually babe, you looked rather dishy, in a rugged sort of way and I hope you didn’t feel too out of place surrounded by us girlies. It was nice to see you, however dressed, and lovely to see Shan again too, both of you are great company and we must do it again soon. Having had a super evening with the girl I love and 2 of my best friends, Pip and I got back to our warm, cosy and quiet hotel room (ie not the International) and Pippa decided to give me an early Christmas present; a silver heart-shaped pendant with several small but perfectly formed real diamonds. I was moved to tears. It’s the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received and Pippa is the most caring, sensitive and loving person I’ve ever been fortunate enough to be with. Thank you my darling, thank you so much. You are a very, very naughty girl and you really shouldn’t have, but now your heart shall always be against mine, and your heart is full of diamonds. You are a sparkling gem, not me. I love you. xx
    Dec 10, 2004 528
  • 04 Dec 2004
    Listen to your heart It’s surprising how simple things can be emotionally draining. I wonder if these things are actually affecting me more than they used to or if I’m just becoming more aware of them and the effect they have on me. I can see why people get screwed up without realising it. I’ve always been introspective, I think that being in touch with your own feelings helps to keep you sane. Anyway, I’ll come back to that shortly, firstly rewind to earlier in the week, Wednesday to be precise. I went to my mum’s again for dinner. Was lovely as always, and after a few drinks she was clearly steering the conversation towards my future, the difficult issues surrounding my condition and the rest of the family finding out. I certainly wasn’t reluctant to talk about it but my thoughts weren’t flowing as fluidly as I would have liked, but I did my best. I think I’m now ready to talk more about all this after the events of last night, which I’ll come to in a bit. I stayed the night at mum’s and in the morning we went shopping in Lancaster, an impromptu decision. The plan was to do some Christmas shopping for our family, but we ended up spending most of the time in the women’s clothes shops, looking at stuff for ourselves. I always end up doing this when I’m Christmas shopping so now I think it must run in the family. It was great fun actually; mum was picking stuff off the rails, holding it up against me and saying, "this is nice, this would suit you, what do you think of this colour…?" and so on. It attracted one or two smiles from the shop assistants, but in no way derogatory, I think they just thought it was sweet. I of course was doing the same for her, picking out stuff that I thought she might like. Generally we seem to know what each other likes and what will suit. She even bought me a very pretty and rather skimpy pink chemise, which we both liked, and she’s hinted that this might not be the only "Lucy present" I will be getting for Christmas. All this is another, quite striking example of how my mum seems able and willing to accept me as I am; she’s calling me her daughter, uses the name Lucy and is showing a great understanding of how I really am. Actually I never expected anything less from her, but her readiness to accept is truly heart-warming. She did tell me once she had always wanted a daughter, and of course I always wanted to be one, so that’s got to be a good start for someone like me. She said it was great fun afterwards, so I suggested we do it again after Christmas when we don’t have to feel guilty about not buying stuff for other people. Next time I’ll dress for the occasion and then I can try stuff on too. The following evening was a big family event. I was a little nervous. Dinner at a posh country house with "single" me and 5 (very straight) couples, including my dad and brother, so Lucy was to be kept well hidden. This time last year I would have thought nothing of it, hiding my true self had become second nature to me, having done it all my life, virtually every day. The big change I am becoming acutely aware of this year is that I’m now much more in touch with what is my first nature, ie the real me. Clearly the voyage of self-discovery has stopped off at some relevant ports, and I am learning more and more about myself. It’s a very long time since I went out on such a formal occasion, all my evenings out this year have been whilst dressed, or at least with understanding friends amongst whom I don’t have to pretend, so I’d kind of got used to that. The simple task of getting ready was strange in itself. No make-up, no decisions about what to wear; jacket and tie was essential, choice of 3 ties, but who the fuck cares which one? Not me. But I did my best and remembered I didn’t need mascara, something I normally wear when I go out in drab with friends or to mum’s house. I felt distinctly uncomfortable walking in to the place, my hair attracts attention in places like that, men can have long hair but it’s a somewhat girly style now, so a few people looked. But it wasn’t people looking at me that bothered me, it’s how I felt inside – not myself. We sat down to dinner after a couple of drinks and everyone started chatting. I felt all the time I was trying to control myself, not let go, not show how I really am. Trying all the time to be blokey, charming and witty, with little success. It was as though I was monitoring the evening from a tv screen elsewhere in the building, and at the same time I was the tv presenter with the producer’s voice in my earpiece telling me what to do, or mostly what not to do. Seeing the evening from a detached view but at the same time pretending to be a part of the action. Maybe all this doesn’t sound so bad, but I wasn’t really there; I had been caged for the night, not allowed to show my face, or rather my personality. I just didn’t feel relaxed and I wasn’t enjoying the evening as I should have been. I had to kick myself once or twice, finding myself saying things like, "men don’t understand that sort of thing…", or giggling in my brother’s gf’s ear in a sisterly fashion. That was the only point, not only that I felt relaxed, but that I really felt someone else was relaxing with me. For a moment I felt on the same level as the girl I was talking to, and her attitude towards me seemed to change accordingly. But it was a fleeting moment and I quickly adjusted my posture and moved the subject away from girly matters. The food was great, and all present were lovely people, but the evening was horrible for me. I really didn’t think it would be, I thought I’d just feel strange and have a few drinks and not be too bothered by it, after all, I’ve done it plenty of times in the past. I got home and cried buckets. It’s almost as if someone wants you dead. I can’t live like that. I’ve become so much happier this year; going out has been wonderful, opening up, talking honestly, being myself, being alive. The emotion poured out of me when I got home, thankfully I didn’t need to try and keep it in check. After only a few hours I was strongly aware of the male "bottle up your emotions" habit and its negative effect. I know for sure now that I can’t go on pretending to certain people and so in that sense it has given me more clarity, cleared my path. I thought I was happy just being myself when I could, and of course I am, but not being myself is unbearable, and I’d forgotten how awful it is to have to do that. Or maybe I just never quite realised how awful it was. Self-denial, or in my case self-oppression can be very damaging, without you even aware that it’s happening. I shiver when I think of how I used to live like that all the time, never truly expressing myself. Life is so much better now, and I have to look forward. I think last night has given me more purpose to move in the right direction. xx
    470 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Listen to your heart It’s surprising how simple things can be emotionally draining. I wonder if these things are actually affecting me more than they used to or if I’m just becoming more aware of them and the effect they have on me. I can see why people get screwed up without realising it. I’ve always been introspective, I think that being in touch with your own feelings helps to keep you sane. Anyway, I’ll come back to that shortly, firstly rewind to earlier in the week, Wednesday to be precise. I went to my mum’s again for dinner. Was lovely as always, and after a few drinks she was clearly steering the conversation towards my future, the difficult issues surrounding my condition and the rest of the family finding out. I certainly wasn’t reluctant to talk about it but my thoughts weren’t flowing as fluidly as I would have liked, but I did my best. I think I’m now ready to talk more about all this after the events of last night, which I’ll come to in a bit. I stayed the night at mum’s and in the morning we went shopping in Lancaster, an impromptu decision. The plan was to do some Christmas shopping for our family, but we ended up spending most of the time in the women’s clothes shops, looking at stuff for ourselves. I always end up doing this when I’m Christmas shopping so now I think it must run in the family. It was great fun actually; mum was picking stuff off the rails, holding it up against me and saying, "this is nice, this would suit you, what do you think of this colour…?" and so on. It attracted one or two smiles from the shop assistants, but in no way derogatory, I think they just thought it was sweet. I of course was doing the same for her, picking out stuff that I thought she might like. Generally we seem to know what each other likes and what will suit. She even bought me a very pretty and rather skimpy pink chemise, which we both liked, and she’s hinted that this might not be the only "Lucy present" I will be getting for Christmas. All this is another, quite striking example of how my mum seems able and willing to accept me as I am; she’s calling me her daughter, uses the name Lucy and is showing a great understanding of how I really am. Actually I never expected anything less from her, but her readiness to accept is truly heart-warming. She did tell me once she had always wanted a daughter, and of course I always wanted to be one, so that’s got to be a good start for someone like me. She said it was great fun afterwards, so I suggested we do it again after Christmas when we don’t have to feel guilty about not buying stuff for other people. Next time I’ll dress for the occasion and then I can try stuff on too. The following evening was a big family event. I was a little nervous. Dinner at a posh country house with "single" me and 5 (very straight) couples, including my dad and brother, so Lucy was to be kept well hidden. This time last year I would have thought nothing of it, hiding my true self had become second nature to me, having done it all my life, virtually every day. The big change I am becoming acutely aware of this year is that I’m now much more in touch with what is my first nature, ie the real me. Clearly the voyage of self-discovery has stopped off at some relevant ports, and I am learning more and more about myself. It’s a very long time since I went out on such a formal occasion, all my evenings out this year have been whilst dressed, or at least with understanding friends amongst whom I don’t have to pretend, so I’d kind of got used to that. The simple task of getting ready was strange in itself. No make-up, no decisions about what to wear; jacket and tie was essential, choice of 3 ties, but who the fuck cares which one? Not me. But I did my best and remembered I didn’t need mascara, something I normally wear when I go out in drab with friends or to mum’s house. I felt distinctly uncomfortable walking in to the place, my hair attracts attention in places like that, men can have long hair but it’s a somewhat girly style now, so a few people looked. But it wasn’t people looking at me that bothered me, it’s how I felt inside – not myself. We sat down to dinner after a couple of drinks and everyone started chatting. I felt all the time I was trying to control myself, not let go, not show how I really am. Trying all the time to be blokey, charming and witty, with little success. It was as though I was monitoring the evening from a tv screen elsewhere in the building, and at the same time I was the tv presenter with the producer’s voice in my earpiece telling me what to do, or mostly what not to do. Seeing the evening from a detached view but at the same time pretending to be a part of the action. Maybe all this doesn’t sound so bad, but I wasn’t really there; I had been caged for the night, not allowed to show my face, or rather my personality. I just didn’t feel relaxed and I wasn’t enjoying the evening as I should have been. I had to kick myself once or twice, finding myself saying things like, "men don’t understand that sort of thing…", or giggling in my brother’s gf’s ear in a sisterly fashion. That was the only point, not only that I felt relaxed, but that I really felt someone else was relaxing with me. For a moment I felt on the same level as the girl I was talking to, and her attitude towards me seemed to change accordingly. But it was a fleeting moment and I quickly adjusted my posture and moved the subject away from girly matters. The food was great, and all present were lovely people, but the evening was horrible for me. I really didn’t think it would be, I thought I’d just feel strange and have a few drinks and not be too bothered by it, after all, I’ve done it plenty of times in the past. I got home and cried buckets. It’s almost as if someone wants you dead. I can’t live like that. I’ve become so much happier this year; going out has been wonderful, opening up, talking honestly, being myself, being alive. The emotion poured out of me when I got home, thankfully I didn’t need to try and keep it in check. After only a few hours I was strongly aware of the male "bottle up your emotions" habit and its negative effect. I know for sure now that I can’t go on pretending to certain people and so in that sense it has given me more clarity, cleared my path. I thought I was happy just being myself when I could, and of course I am, but not being myself is unbearable, and I’d forgotten how awful it is to have to do that. Or maybe I just never quite realised how awful it was. Self-denial, or in my case self-oppression can be very damaging, without you even aware that it’s happening. I shiver when I think of how I used to live like that all the time, never truly expressing myself. Life is so much better now, and I have to look forward. I think last night has given me more purpose to move in the right direction. xx
    Dec 04, 2004 470
  • 01 Dec 2004
    A design for life Pippa’s beaten me to it with her blog about the weekend’s events, so that will save me (or you) from some waffling, as is my wont. I must add though that for me it was one of the loveliest weekends ever. Pip and I had the best night in, cosy and romantic, and just very lovely, and then we had a super night out with Shan. We met lots of people and everyone was so nice to us, completely accepting, non-questioning and very welcoming. I’m not sure whether it was Pip or Shan that suggested we go shopping the next day, but I was all for it, of course. It was a bit of a shame that we hadn’t made it to the shops that day but it didn’t matter as we were just happy to be together, and I knew we’d get another chance soon, just didn’t think it would be this soon, I didn’t even have a change of outfit. So for a change I hung my clothes up properly that night, instead of throwing them in a corner, or allowing them to be removed seductively… Pedantism is one of my hobbies, so some of the details here might not agree with those in Pippa’s blog, but my details are of course correct. The first tram woke me at 5:38, bugger. That may be the worse thing about the International, it’s so bloody noisy in the mornings with the trams running past the front door every few minutes. And none of the windows seem to close properly. This was compounded by the fact that the heating didn’t seem to be on this time, and it was rather chilly outside. So we used towels as draught excluders and snuggled up close to keep warm. I got up about 9, made several coffees and fixed my make up. As it approached 10 I decided I had to be ruthless and wake my lover who looked so peaceful in her sleep. When awake she didn’t look as carefree as usual, probably because of the realisation of what we’d arranged the night before, but I think that was just Pip’s subconscious giving her a kick; it may seem scary but I knew she really wanted to break that barrier. Arranging to meet Shan meant that she just had to be there. And so it was. Somewhat worse for wear we met up with Shan and hit the shops, and once again I felt my true and natural self, with a real place in society. Pippa seemed unperturbed, any nervousness she felt didn’t show, and she was the perfect lady. In fact not many people seemed to notice us at all, which was nice, though it doesn’t bother me in the least when people do notice, because it makes them realise that we exist, we are happily shopping just like any other woman, and when people see my true self it makes me feel alive. Most people who did notice one or all of us smiled at us in a complimentary way, what more can a girl ask? We found a lovely pink coat which said in big letters on the back "PIPPA – BUY ME!" so we did, as well as a skirt that I’d just tried on. I also tried one on in Topshop and bought that too. Pip went into the ladies’ changing rooms for the first time ever to try a skirt on in Etam but it wasn’t right for her, too formal. After a couple of hours, hunger and the need to sit down got the better of us and we went to the Dutch pancake house which Shan had recommended (yes Dutch!) Staff and customers alike never looked twice at us, so we all felt relaxed. I loved the plates, the size of bus steering wheels, with pancakes to match. Come to think of it I’ve only eaten out a few times while dressed but I never thought anything of it, it was no big deal. And such is my life now, no big deal but at last I am content just by being normal, without hiding, pretending, or denying. I don’t ask much; I just want to be myself and be able to experience the normal things that everyone else takes for granted, without feeling like a freak. I’m sure I’m no less "noticed" in drab than when I’m dressed, and if I did blend in more when I was in drab, it wouldn’t make me feel like I fit into that world. It feels more natural for people to see me as I am, to display on the outside the feelings that are inside, to be myself, and not a fake. To have discovered this simple but effective philosophy and go back to how I used to live would be impossible, and I’d rather die. I choose life. xx
    542 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • A design for life Pippa’s beaten me to it with her blog about the weekend’s events, so that will save me (or you) from some waffling, as is my wont. I must add though that for me it was one of the loveliest weekends ever. Pip and I had the best night in, cosy and romantic, and just very lovely, and then we had a super night out with Shan. We met lots of people and everyone was so nice to us, completely accepting, non-questioning and very welcoming. I’m not sure whether it was Pip or Shan that suggested we go shopping the next day, but I was all for it, of course. It was a bit of a shame that we hadn’t made it to the shops that day but it didn’t matter as we were just happy to be together, and I knew we’d get another chance soon, just didn’t think it would be this soon, I didn’t even have a change of outfit. So for a change I hung my clothes up properly that night, instead of throwing them in a corner, or allowing them to be removed seductively… Pedantism is one of my hobbies, so some of the details here might not agree with those in Pippa’s blog, but my details are of course correct. The first tram woke me at 5:38, bugger. That may be the worse thing about the International, it’s so bloody noisy in the mornings with the trams running past the front door every few minutes. And none of the windows seem to close properly. This was compounded by the fact that the heating didn’t seem to be on this time, and it was rather chilly outside. So we used towels as draught excluders and snuggled up close to keep warm. I got up about 9, made several coffees and fixed my make up. As it approached 10 I decided I had to be ruthless and wake my lover who looked so peaceful in her sleep. When awake she didn’t look as carefree as usual, probably because of the realisation of what we’d arranged the night before, but I think that was just Pip’s subconscious giving her a kick; it may seem scary but I knew she really wanted to break that barrier. Arranging to meet Shan meant that she just had to be there. And so it was. Somewhat worse for wear we met up with Shan and hit the shops, and once again I felt my true and natural self, with a real place in society. Pippa seemed unperturbed, any nervousness she felt didn’t show, and she was the perfect lady. In fact not many people seemed to notice us at all, which was nice, though it doesn’t bother me in the least when people do notice, because it makes them realise that we exist, we are happily shopping just like any other woman, and when people see my true self it makes me feel alive. Most people who did notice one or all of us smiled at us in a complimentary way, what more can a girl ask? We found a lovely pink coat which said in big letters on the back "PIPPA – BUY ME!" so we did, as well as a skirt that I’d just tried on. I also tried one on in Topshop and bought that too. Pip went into the ladies’ changing rooms for the first time ever to try a skirt on in Etam but it wasn’t right for her, too formal. After a couple of hours, hunger and the need to sit down got the better of us and we went to the Dutch pancake house which Shan had recommended (yes Dutch!) Staff and customers alike never looked twice at us, so we all felt relaxed. I loved the plates, the size of bus steering wheels, with pancakes to match. Come to think of it I’ve only eaten out a few times while dressed but I never thought anything of it, it was no big deal. And such is my life now, no big deal but at last I am content just by being normal, without hiding, pretending, or denying. I don’t ask much; I just want to be myself and be able to experience the normal things that everyone else takes for granted, without feeling like a freak. I’m sure I’m no less "noticed" in drab than when I’m dressed, and if I did blend in more when I was in drab, it wouldn’t make me feel like I fit into that world. It feels more natural for people to see me as I am, to display on the outside the feelings that are inside, to be myself, and not a fake. To have discovered this simple but effective philosophy and go back to how I used to live would be impossible, and I’d rather die. I choose life. xx
    Dec 01, 2004 542
  • 21 Nov 2004
    Follow your heart Well I’m quite exhausted. On Wednesday I went to see one of the people who has recently found out my secret, in fact he’d invited me to dinner, so I put him straight on a few points and did my best to explain where I and others like me were coming from. He seemed genuinely interested and asked lots and lots of questions. The next night my mum came over for dinner, and we chatted more about the situation in general. Whilst preparing dinner I had badly scuffed some of my beautifully painted nails so afterwards I re-did the ones that were a mess. Mum did the ones on my right hand for me (my left hand is incompetent), and she also did her own nails with my rich dark red polish, which is the sort of colour that she never uses, but she rather liked it. Nice to share things like that with your mum, something I missed out on as a teenager. The next day I went over to see Cerys, for dinner and wine and vodka and chat. Thanks babe, dinner was lovely again, as were you, again. Hope you can make it out next weekend. I expect socialising 3 nights in a row wouldn’t take so much out of me if I consumed less alcohol, I’m just getting too old for this. So, the health kick starts this week (some of my friends will have heard that before!) I can’t help thinking there are an awful lot of people out there who have yet to find out about me; that’s a lot of explaining to do, quite a daunting prospect, but something I am motivated to do regardless of how difficult, tiring or repetitive it may become. So far everyone has reacted positively, no-one has turned against me or shown any disdain, only the desire to be understanding and concern for my well-being. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I’m not quite an eternal optimist though so I do think it’s only a matter of time before I come across someone who takes it badly in some way, perhaps who will see it as reason for ridicule, or simply has no wish to understand it. I can only do my best to help them, and I shan’t be disheartened if anyone takes the piss out of me. I’ve asked my friends to keep things quiet for now, in the hope that my dad won’t get to hear it too soon. There is no urgent need for him to know, and I need to prepare for that situation, find the right words, and be ready emotionally and spiritually. However I feel about it, that time is coming, ready or not. It’s kind of stopped me thinking that this is the worst thing that could happen to me, and that it will be an impossible situation. It won’t be good but I will do my best to deal with it. It’s easy to think negatively about things that you know you can avoid. We should all learn to think positively (it’s easier than some people think), deal with things and not hide from them, allow ourselves to reach our full potential instead of making excuses, and not allow others to control us in any way. So far the fear of the unknown has always turned out to be a needless fear, so I’m becoming less scared of entering unknown territory, doing things that always seemed scary, or facing up to people. Lots of people don’t have the misconceptions we expect them to have, it’s our own misconception to think that the general public have a certain attitude towards us, or will behave in a particular way when confronted with these issues. It takes all sorts to make a world, and we have a right to be a part of it. Some people may think we don’t fit, but I need to feel that I have a place in society, and before Lucy ever went out I never had that feeling. I believe that we only get one chance at life, this is not a rehearsal. I’ve spent enough time feeling out of place, now I must be me. I don’t want to die having lived a mundane life in a way that I think will not upset other people. Could I carry on without rocking the boat? No, I’d end up jumping overboard, and that probably would upset those close to me. The person I have pretended to be all my life was created by me, because of the way I assume people think, not because of the way they actually think. I’ve been fooled into thinking that people have certain views, they don’t; society may have but people are individuals, just like me.
    438 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Follow your heart Well I’m quite exhausted. On Wednesday I went to see one of the people who has recently found out my secret, in fact he’d invited me to dinner, so I put him straight on a few points and did my best to explain where I and others like me were coming from. He seemed genuinely interested and asked lots and lots of questions. The next night my mum came over for dinner, and we chatted more about the situation in general. Whilst preparing dinner I had badly scuffed some of my beautifully painted nails so afterwards I re-did the ones that were a mess. Mum did the ones on my right hand for me (my left hand is incompetent), and she also did her own nails with my rich dark red polish, which is the sort of colour that she never uses, but she rather liked it. Nice to share things like that with your mum, something I missed out on as a teenager. The next day I went over to see Cerys, for dinner and wine and vodka and chat. Thanks babe, dinner was lovely again, as were you, again. Hope you can make it out next weekend. I expect socialising 3 nights in a row wouldn’t take so much out of me if I consumed less alcohol, I’m just getting too old for this. So, the health kick starts this week (some of my friends will have heard that before!) I can’t help thinking there are an awful lot of people out there who have yet to find out about me; that’s a lot of explaining to do, quite a daunting prospect, but something I am motivated to do regardless of how difficult, tiring or repetitive it may become. So far everyone has reacted positively, no-one has turned against me or shown any disdain, only the desire to be understanding and concern for my well-being. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I’m not quite an eternal optimist though so I do think it’s only a matter of time before I come across someone who takes it badly in some way, perhaps who will see it as reason for ridicule, or simply has no wish to understand it. I can only do my best to help them, and I shan’t be disheartened if anyone takes the piss out of me. I’ve asked my friends to keep things quiet for now, in the hope that my dad won’t get to hear it too soon. There is no urgent need for him to know, and I need to prepare for that situation, find the right words, and be ready emotionally and spiritually. However I feel about it, that time is coming, ready or not. It’s kind of stopped me thinking that this is the worst thing that could happen to me, and that it will be an impossible situation. It won’t be good but I will do my best to deal with it. It’s easy to think negatively about things that you know you can avoid. We should all learn to think positively (it’s easier than some people think), deal with things and not hide from them, allow ourselves to reach our full potential instead of making excuses, and not allow others to control us in any way. So far the fear of the unknown has always turned out to be a needless fear, so I’m becoming less scared of entering unknown territory, doing things that always seemed scary, or facing up to people. Lots of people don’t have the misconceptions we expect them to have, it’s our own misconception to think that the general public have a certain attitude towards us, or will behave in a particular way when confronted with these issues. It takes all sorts to make a world, and we have a right to be a part of it. Some people may think we don’t fit, but I need to feel that I have a place in society, and before Lucy ever went out I never had that feeling. I believe that we only get one chance at life, this is not a rehearsal. I’ve spent enough time feeling out of place, now I must be me. I don’t want to die having lived a mundane life in a way that I think will not upset other people. Could I carry on without rocking the boat? No, I’d end up jumping overboard, and that probably would upset those close to me. The person I have pretended to be all my life was created by me, because of the way I assume people think, not because of the way they actually think. I’ve been fooled into thinking that people have certain views, they don’t; society may have but people are individuals, just like me.
    Nov 21, 2004 438
  • 18 Nov 2004
    Must we hurt others to stop ourselves hurting? The comments on my last blog, inspired me to write this one, I may comment on those comments either in order or at random, I don’t know, I make this stuff up as I go along. Situations can be a puzzle, sometimes we just know, sometimes we don’t and have to guess, take a gamble. Life’s puzzle is ongoing, I’m getting there; I’m working out who I am and what I want from life, and I still need to work on how I’m going to get it. It’s not material things, it’s about who we are. Some of us have spent their entire life pretending to be someone else, and it can be quite tiring. When you start to throw away the chains that held you in place, the ones that kept a semblance of normality in the public’s eyes, you realise you are not pretending anymore, you are just being you, how you feel inside, not how you ought to project yourself. If a cisgendered person (look it up, cissies) were to read that it would perhaps be meaningless, maybe it would be to some transgendered as well, but for me, just being yourself is hugely important. The cisgendered take it for granted, they don’t even think about it, they can’t imagine NOT being themselves; how can you not be yourself? Well cissies, it can be forced upon you; society tells some of us that we can’t be who we think we are, it’s simply not right. But we just ARE that way anyway whatever society says, we were born that way, all we can do is try to hide it so as not to upset you. Or we can try to accept it and express it so as not to upset ourselves. Once you start to express it, you start to understand self-realisation. I’ve never expressed myself until recently, only put forward an image that society will consider acceptable, not perfect, they can work with it, but protecting them from the scandalous truth about me doesn’t help me. My dad is the personification of society. It’s becoming clear to me that I have no concerns about the "Lucy effect" on society (though I do hope it will be a good effect), only the effect it would have on one person in particular. Me being me won’t hurt anyone, with one probable exception. And I don’t want that to happen. After so many years (yes I’m really old) it’s also clear that one of us has to get hurt, I can’t please both of the people all of the time. I ask myself, if I continue to tell lies, live a fake life, hide the truth and the real me all the time, will my dad die happy? Or will he die wondering what wasn’t quite right about me? Or more likely, will I die first? It feels as though I have to hurt him, or continue hurting myself. Not a decision I can make. Maybe that’s why I just don’t want to tell him. Maybe that’s why it seems better to have the decision made for me. A lot of people suggested that I tell him before he hears it elsewhere, but I can’t bring myself to do that, even if it would be better, which I don’t really think it would. I’m trying to tell myself, he has to know, or I will live in no-man’s (or woman’s) land forever. I’m simply scared of him knowing, I wish I wasn’t, but I don’t know how to stop being scared of this. Suggestions on a postcard please? Dad, my tears are ones of pain, I’ve had them before, but the thought of your pain brings them all back. Please make them go away. xx
    432 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Must we hurt others to stop ourselves hurting? The comments on my last blog, inspired me to write this one, I may comment on those comments either in order or at random, I don’t know, I make this stuff up as I go along. Situations can be a puzzle, sometimes we just know, sometimes we don’t and have to guess, take a gamble. Life’s puzzle is ongoing, I’m getting there; I’m working out who I am and what I want from life, and I still need to work on how I’m going to get it. It’s not material things, it’s about who we are. Some of us have spent their entire life pretending to be someone else, and it can be quite tiring. When you start to throw away the chains that held you in place, the ones that kept a semblance of normality in the public’s eyes, you realise you are not pretending anymore, you are just being you, how you feel inside, not how you ought to project yourself. If a cisgendered person (look it up, cissies) were to read that it would perhaps be meaningless, maybe it would be to some transgendered as well, but for me, just being yourself is hugely important. The cisgendered take it for granted, they don’t even think about it, they can’t imagine NOT being themselves; how can you not be yourself? Well cissies, it can be forced upon you; society tells some of us that we can’t be who we think we are, it’s simply not right. But we just ARE that way anyway whatever society says, we were born that way, all we can do is try to hide it so as not to upset you. Or we can try to accept it and express it so as not to upset ourselves. Once you start to express it, you start to understand self-realisation. I’ve never expressed myself until recently, only put forward an image that society will consider acceptable, not perfect, they can work with it, but protecting them from the scandalous truth about me doesn’t help me. My dad is the personification of society. It’s becoming clear to me that I have no concerns about the "Lucy effect" on society (though I do hope it will be a good effect), only the effect it would have on one person in particular. Me being me won’t hurt anyone, with one probable exception. And I don’t want that to happen. After so many years (yes I’m really old) it’s also clear that one of us has to get hurt, I can’t please both of the people all of the time. I ask myself, if I continue to tell lies, live a fake life, hide the truth and the real me all the time, will my dad die happy? Or will he die wondering what wasn’t quite right about me? Or more likely, will I die first? It feels as though I have to hurt him, or continue hurting myself. Not a decision I can make. Maybe that’s why I just don’t want to tell him. Maybe that’s why it seems better to have the decision made for me. A lot of people suggested that I tell him before he hears it elsewhere, but I can’t bring myself to do that, even if it would be better, which I don’t really think it would. I’m trying to tell myself, he has to know, or I will live in no-man’s (or woman’s) land forever. I’m simply scared of him knowing, I wish I wasn’t, but I don’t know how to stop being scared of this. Suggestions on a postcard please? Dad, my tears are ones of pain, I’ve had them before, but the thought of your pain brings them all back. Please make them go away. xx
    Nov 18, 2004 432
  • 16 Nov 2004
    Aftermath Maybe that stage hasn’t yet been reached, or maybe this is the start of a long process, which may go on for the rest of my life. Who knows what the repercussions of people in my home town finding out I’m transsexual will be… I’ve spoken to one of the people that has heard the rumour, someone I have known and remained friends with for many years. He was concerned that either a) this was a vicious rumour put about for reasons unknown, or b) that the rumours were true, and well, if that’s the case he wasn’t sure what to think, except that he would still support me in whatever I chose to do. It’s a relief to hear people say that sort of thing, you never know how people will react; some people have mental blocks when it comes to any deviation from the norm, and very often people turn against things they don’t understand or feel uncomfortable with. My dad for example seems to be very intolerant of non-standard behaviour, which is one of the things that worry me about him finding out. But so far I’m only aware of people who are my friends having found out, and I’ve asked them to try to keep it as quiet as possible; my dad is probably going to have to find out some time, but not just yet, not if I can help it. But someone outside my own group of friends has discovered my secret, I don’t even know who it is, so who knows who else they will tell and at what speed this news will spread. Whoever you are if you’re reading this, this is my life, don’t make it harder for me please. Lovely juicy gossip it may be but this affects people, me and my family and my friends; people get hurt. There may be some Chinese whispers involved but the rumour as I heard it is that I am about to embark on my 2-year real life experience. This is not specifically true, but it makes me think that I haven’t just been seen dressed, and no-one that I have told has told anyone else, because I certainly haven’t told anyone that. I can only think that someone has recognised me on Trannyweb, maybe read this blog, maybe drawn their own conclusions from it. If that’s the case they must have missed a bit. I may have discussed transitioning, living full time and so on in my blog and on the forum, but I haven’t made a decision as such to start transitioning and to live full time, yes I would like to do that, but I have a few things to sort out first, logistical and otherwise. Incidentally there isn’t really a 2-year rule anymore; if you want srs on the nhs, yes you have to live full time as a woman, but there is no specific time limit on it, as far as I know, it’s just until you can convince enough people that you are not totally loopy. I haven’t even seen a doctor yet, so obviously I have made no particular plans. Like I say maybe some of this is Chinese whispers, things get changed or exaggerated, but someone knows, and I have no control over how far this will go and what route it will take. I can only ask my friends to keep it quiet, to consider the rest of my family, but I also must be prepared for the day when the whole world knows, or my little part of it at least. Stay positive: it’s sound advice, often dismissed as "easy to say", so how should I be positive about the possibility of everyone around me finding out before I have even worked things out for myself, the possibility of being ridiculed in the street and my whole world crumbling around me? There is one obvious cliché; I won’t have to live a lie anymore. But does that really mean anything? Is facing up to this and other people’s misconceptions of it any easier than keeping it hidden? I don’t really know yet, but I do know it’s better to tell your friends and be able to talk to them about it than to pretend to be someone else all your life. I’ve shared this with my mum, several close friends, and lots of strangers, and so far I’ve had no negativity from anyone. That helps me feel positive but it has to happen sometime. I’ve read about various experiences of negativity on this site, verbal, psychological, and physical; why hasn’t it happened to me yet? I guess keeping it to a select few helps, so maybe that will change soon. Whether or not my "not having to live a lie anymore" will outweigh any negativity I may face remains to be seen, and I’m not in a rush to find out, so for now it’s damage limitation. But I feel the seed has been planted and I’m just waiting to see things growing from it, good or bad. I do feel positive though, for despite all the unknowns, there is one thing I do know; I don’t want to go on indefinitely as I am, keeping it a secret from many people that really matter to me, always pretending, always having something to hide. I know that some things have to change in my life, and I can’t realistically make those changes without everyone finding out. I still feel it’s difficult though, difficult to find a way of living the life that I want, of finding a way to fit in with everything and everyone around me. Difficult, but not impossible, and when I’ve worked it out I’ll let you know. Each of us have a unique puzzle which only we can solve, we can get help and advice, even see how other people have solved their puzzles, but it’s down to the individual to work out their own life. Puzzling, isn’t it?
    432 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Aftermath Maybe that stage hasn’t yet been reached, or maybe this is the start of a long process, which may go on for the rest of my life. Who knows what the repercussions of people in my home town finding out I’m transsexual will be… I’ve spoken to one of the people that has heard the rumour, someone I have known and remained friends with for many years. He was concerned that either a) this was a vicious rumour put about for reasons unknown, or b) that the rumours were true, and well, if that’s the case he wasn’t sure what to think, except that he would still support me in whatever I chose to do. It’s a relief to hear people say that sort of thing, you never know how people will react; some people have mental blocks when it comes to any deviation from the norm, and very often people turn against things they don’t understand or feel uncomfortable with. My dad for example seems to be very intolerant of non-standard behaviour, which is one of the things that worry me about him finding out. But so far I’m only aware of people who are my friends having found out, and I’ve asked them to try to keep it as quiet as possible; my dad is probably going to have to find out some time, but not just yet, not if I can help it. But someone outside my own group of friends has discovered my secret, I don’t even know who it is, so who knows who else they will tell and at what speed this news will spread. Whoever you are if you’re reading this, this is my life, don’t make it harder for me please. Lovely juicy gossip it may be but this affects people, me and my family and my friends; people get hurt. There may be some Chinese whispers involved but the rumour as I heard it is that I am about to embark on my 2-year real life experience. This is not specifically true, but it makes me think that I haven’t just been seen dressed, and no-one that I have told has told anyone else, because I certainly haven’t told anyone that. I can only think that someone has recognised me on Trannyweb, maybe read this blog, maybe drawn their own conclusions from it. If that’s the case they must have missed a bit. I may have discussed transitioning, living full time and so on in my blog and on the forum, but I haven’t made a decision as such to start transitioning and to live full time, yes I would like to do that, but I have a few things to sort out first, logistical and otherwise. Incidentally there isn’t really a 2-year rule anymore; if you want srs on the nhs, yes you have to live full time as a woman, but there is no specific time limit on it, as far as I know, it’s just until you can convince enough people that you are not totally loopy. I haven’t even seen a doctor yet, so obviously I have made no particular plans. Like I say maybe some of this is Chinese whispers, things get changed or exaggerated, but someone knows, and I have no control over how far this will go and what route it will take. I can only ask my friends to keep it quiet, to consider the rest of my family, but I also must be prepared for the day when the whole world knows, or my little part of it at least. Stay positive: it’s sound advice, often dismissed as "easy to say", so how should I be positive about the possibility of everyone around me finding out before I have even worked things out for myself, the possibility of being ridiculed in the street and my whole world crumbling around me? There is one obvious cliché; I won’t have to live a lie anymore. But does that really mean anything? Is facing up to this and other people’s misconceptions of it any easier than keeping it hidden? I don’t really know yet, but I do know it’s better to tell your friends and be able to talk to them about it than to pretend to be someone else all your life. I’ve shared this with my mum, several close friends, and lots of strangers, and so far I’ve had no negativity from anyone. That helps me feel positive but it has to happen sometime. I’ve read about various experiences of negativity on this site, verbal, psychological, and physical; why hasn’t it happened to me yet? I guess keeping it to a select few helps, so maybe that will change soon. Whether or not my "not having to live a lie anymore" will outweigh any negativity I may face remains to be seen, and I’m not in a rush to find out, so for now it’s damage limitation. But I feel the seed has been planted and I’m just waiting to see things growing from it, good or bad. I do feel positive though, for despite all the unknowns, there is one thing I do know; I don’t want to go on indefinitely as I am, keeping it a secret from many people that really matter to me, always pretending, always having something to hide. I know that some things have to change in my life, and I can’t realistically make those changes without everyone finding out. I still feel it’s difficult though, difficult to find a way of living the life that I want, of finding a way to fit in with everything and everyone around me. Difficult, but not impossible, and when I’ve worked it out I’ll let you know. Each of us have a unique puzzle which only we can solve, we can get help and advice, even see how other people have solved their puzzles, but it’s down to the individual to work out their own life. Puzzling, isn’t it?
    Nov 16, 2004 432