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Lucy Diamond 's Entries

204 blogs
  • 14 Nov 2004
    Outed Somehow my secret seems to have got out. How the fuck did that happen? I don’t know. It’s the not knowing that’s the worst. Perhaps it shouldn’t matter how it got out, but I feel I need to know. My friend Ann rang me this morning to warn me of a rumour going round, at least amongst the band I used to play with, one of them seems to have found out that I "want to be a woman". Actually I AM a woman, but it’s close. If they know, everyone will know, I’ll be the talk of the town, and there’s no point denying it. I’ve had a good long chat with my mum, trying to work out what to do next, because of course the rest of my family will soon get to hear about this, whether I like it or not. My mind seems to be either see-sawing or spinning on a carousel at the moment, fairground rides going on in my head, and I’m struggling to get my thoughts in order. Hopefully my trusty blog will help. Part of me thinks this was inevitable, maybe that this should be a good thing; that I don’t have to live a lie any more, and part of me resents having that decision taken away from me. Any of my old friends who don’t wish to accept this, anyone who just wants to ridicule me won’t be my friend any more, it’s as simple as that, and I don’t worry about them. I am concerned about my Dad though, I know this will upset him, and I really don’t want to be disowned by him or excommunicated from the family. And I hate the thought of any embarrassment being forced upon him. I just want him to accept me for who I really am, not who he wants me to be, and I know he will have trouble getting his head round this. So the first question is, should I tell him straight away? A pre-emptive strike, damage limitation, would it be better coming from me than from hearing rumours. Actually I can’t see why that should make it better, and I’m not going to rush into telling him straight away. But it is only a matter of time before he does hear the rumours, at least I have the chance to try and prepare for that. At the end of the day, time and being prepared aren’t going to help, this is going to be hell, for both of us. So I don’t know what to do, if anything. For the immediate future I shall try to keep a low profile, keep it as quiet as possible, neither have to admit nor deny the allegations. Ignore it, it might go away. Not this time, no chance. Oh well. Part of me hates having to hide the truth, not just for personal reasons, but because it helps no-one. It may be a way for me to avoid awkward situations, but too many people hide this thing, and the public doesn’t like what it doesn’t know. Obviously I want to see society’s attitude improve, I think it is doing gradually, and now there is nothing to stop me from doing my bit, if only to try and make people understand what we are about. If I can dispel a few myths and make people realise that we are neither mentally ill nor immoral then that will satisfy me. Though whether I’ll be able to do that in this town remains to be seen. I’m not desperately upset about all this, or tortured by it, just a little unsettled. This year has brought only good things for me, that may all be about to change, but ultimately we are all in control of our own destiny. Maybe today I am more in control than I was yesterday, though that’s not how I’m feeling. At least, not yet anyway.
    491 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Outed Somehow my secret seems to have got out. How the fuck did that happen? I don’t know. It’s the not knowing that’s the worst. Perhaps it shouldn’t matter how it got out, but I feel I need to know. My friend Ann rang me this morning to warn me of a rumour going round, at least amongst the band I used to play with, one of them seems to have found out that I "want to be a woman". Actually I AM a woman, but it’s close. If they know, everyone will know, I’ll be the talk of the town, and there’s no point denying it. I’ve had a good long chat with my mum, trying to work out what to do next, because of course the rest of my family will soon get to hear about this, whether I like it or not. My mind seems to be either see-sawing or spinning on a carousel at the moment, fairground rides going on in my head, and I’m struggling to get my thoughts in order. Hopefully my trusty blog will help. Part of me thinks this was inevitable, maybe that this should be a good thing; that I don’t have to live a lie any more, and part of me resents having that decision taken away from me. Any of my old friends who don’t wish to accept this, anyone who just wants to ridicule me won’t be my friend any more, it’s as simple as that, and I don’t worry about them. I am concerned about my Dad though, I know this will upset him, and I really don’t want to be disowned by him or excommunicated from the family. And I hate the thought of any embarrassment being forced upon him. I just want him to accept me for who I really am, not who he wants me to be, and I know he will have trouble getting his head round this. So the first question is, should I tell him straight away? A pre-emptive strike, damage limitation, would it be better coming from me than from hearing rumours. Actually I can’t see why that should make it better, and I’m not going to rush into telling him straight away. But it is only a matter of time before he does hear the rumours, at least I have the chance to try and prepare for that. At the end of the day, time and being prepared aren’t going to help, this is going to be hell, for both of us. So I don’t know what to do, if anything. For the immediate future I shall try to keep a low profile, keep it as quiet as possible, neither have to admit nor deny the allegations. Ignore it, it might go away. Not this time, no chance. Oh well. Part of me hates having to hide the truth, not just for personal reasons, but because it helps no-one. It may be a way for me to avoid awkward situations, but too many people hide this thing, and the public doesn’t like what it doesn’t know. Obviously I want to see society’s attitude improve, I think it is doing gradually, and now there is nothing to stop me from doing my bit, if only to try and make people understand what we are about. If I can dispel a few myths and make people realise that we are neither mentally ill nor immoral then that will satisfy me. Though whether I’ll be able to do that in this town remains to be seen. I’m not desperately upset about all this, or tortured by it, just a little unsettled. This year has brought only good things for me, that may all be about to change, but ultimately we are all in control of our own destiny. Maybe today I am more in control than I was yesterday, though that’s not how I’m feeling. At least, not yet anyway.
    Nov 14, 2004 491
  • 08 Nov 2004
    Well kneaded Having had a fairly uneventful week I toddled off to Pippa’s yesterday, and had the pleasure of sampling her dumplings, almost legendary in these parts, and yes I am talking dinner if you were wondering. Was lovely, traditional Lancashire fare and the lovely Pippa as hostess, what more could a girl want? Well, shopping of course, so I did that on the way. After last week’s enjoyable whiz round the shops in Lancaster I decided to do it all again, so I got up nice and early and made myself beautiful, well, sort of. More people noticed me this time, I wonder if I blended in more last week because it was Halloween, anyway there were no nasty looks or anything, so it was still nice, and I wouldn’t have been bothered if there had been; this is me, like it or lump it or give me a nasty look, it’s up to you. Lancaster is a very small City (probably doesn’t deserve to be a city at all), there are trannies there but I suspect most inhabitants have never seen any. No-one seem shocked though, I’m sure most people have seen trannies on the telly and it’s a bit of excitement for them to see it in real life, if they notice that is, and lots of people didn’t. I feel much less pressured shopping whilst dressed. If you’re in drab you might as well have a neon arrow above your head; all the shop assistants seem to notice you instantly – oh oh, bloke looking at women’s clothing… but today, as with last week, none of them even looked at me. A much more pleasurable shopping experience. I went to my mum’s earlier in the week, sat down with a glass of wine and we immediately started talking about clothes, and so it was for the rest of the night, well, not just clothes, but girly things in general, lovely. She’s been so cool with me, it can’t be easy. Since then I’ve emailed my mum a post from the forum written by Dorothy, another mum, (the only one on tweb?) I just thought it would be good for my mum to hear a point of view from someone else in a similar situation, show her that she’s not alone. She sent me a long reply, almost as long as one of my blogs, no, maybe not quite, anyway, it was very lovely, and she said she is happy to have me as her daughter and understands that I am happy with all this and that’s all she wants, and so on. Was very moving. She’s even suggested I tell my dad; NOOOO, that is just too scary, he really won’t like it. But with her help, who knows? And someone else knows about me! My friend Paul came round the other night and brought a girl he’s been friends with for some time. He’d told me a lot about her and I knew I’d meet her eventually so I said I wouldn’t mind if he told her about me, in fact it would be nice for someone to meet me and already know my secret. So he had done, and she was most positive about it. The really good news is she’s doing a course in beauty therapy, and wants people to practice on. She offered me, a facial, leg wax, massage, manicure, eyebrow shaping and so on. I practically bit her hand off, politely of course, though she is busy for the next few weeks. Got her number anyway, and she is really nice, well anyone offering free beauty treatment can’t be bad can they. Girl, do I need it!
    491 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Well kneaded Having had a fairly uneventful week I toddled off to Pippa’s yesterday, and had the pleasure of sampling her dumplings, almost legendary in these parts, and yes I am talking dinner if you were wondering. Was lovely, traditional Lancashire fare and the lovely Pippa as hostess, what more could a girl want? Well, shopping of course, so I did that on the way. After last week’s enjoyable whiz round the shops in Lancaster I decided to do it all again, so I got up nice and early and made myself beautiful, well, sort of. More people noticed me this time, I wonder if I blended in more last week because it was Halloween, anyway there were no nasty looks or anything, so it was still nice, and I wouldn’t have been bothered if there had been; this is me, like it or lump it or give me a nasty look, it’s up to you. Lancaster is a very small City (probably doesn’t deserve to be a city at all), there are trannies there but I suspect most inhabitants have never seen any. No-one seem shocked though, I’m sure most people have seen trannies on the telly and it’s a bit of excitement for them to see it in real life, if they notice that is, and lots of people didn’t. I feel much less pressured shopping whilst dressed. If you’re in drab you might as well have a neon arrow above your head; all the shop assistants seem to notice you instantly – oh oh, bloke looking at women’s clothing… but today, as with last week, none of them even looked at me. A much more pleasurable shopping experience. I went to my mum’s earlier in the week, sat down with a glass of wine and we immediately started talking about clothes, and so it was for the rest of the night, well, not just clothes, but girly things in general, lovely. She’s been so cool with me, it can’t be easy. Since then I’ve emailed my mum a post from the forum written by Dorothy, another mum, (the only one on tweb?) I just thought it would be good for my mum to hear a point of view from someone else in a similar situation, show her that she’s not alone. She sent me a long reply, almost as long as one of my blogs, no, maybe not quite, anyway, it was very lovely, and she said she is happy to have me as her daughter and understands that I am happy with all this and that’s all she wants, and so on. Was very moving. She’s even suggested I tell my dad; NOOOO, that is just too scary, he really won’t like it. But with her help, who knows? And someone else knows about me! My friend Paul came round the other night and brought a girl he’s been friends with for some time. He’d told me a lot about her and I knew I’d meet her eventually so I said I wouldn’t mind if he told her about me, in fact it would be nice for someone to meet me and already know my secret. So he had done, and she was most positive about it. The really good news is she’s doing a course in beauty therapy, and wants people to practice on. She offered me, a facial, leg wax, massage, manicure, eyebrow shaping and so on. I practically bit her hand off, politely of course, though she is busy for the next few weeks. Got her number anyway, and she is really nice, well anyone offering free beauty treatment can’t be bad can they. Girl, do I need it!
    Nov 08, 2004 491
  • 31 Oct 2004
    And on the seventh day God laid his feet on the back of the armchair and he sleepeth ‘til noon I was never especially fond of Sundays, probably because of work looming the next day, but at least it’s an excuse for a day of rest. Today has been good, in fact it’s been a good weekend, in fact it’s been a good week, almost perfect. Let’s get the almost bits out of the way first. I broke a tooth, and the dentist can’t fix it, but it’s not causing any discomfort so he’s just going to leave it until it does, when it’ll have to come out, yuk. It’s the back tooth though so it won’t spoil my lovely smile. And my Aga broke down again, well it was leaking kerosene actually, so I had to turn it off for a couple of days until I could get a new part, which turned out to be the metric version of what I needed, my Aga being about 40 years old, but after a great struggle I managed to get it to fit. Bloody cold in this house with the Aga off, I don’t have central heating. So, minor problems really. Pip came over on Monday afternoon, as it was her day off, which was lovely, even if only for a few hours. I’d been feeling slightly emotionally fragile over the weekend so I felt much better after her visit. Thanks hun, you‘re a star. On Wednesday I decided to go for a jaunt and do some shopping in Manchester, as luck would have it Pip had the afternoon off so she joined me. We weren’t dressed, but it was fun, and I bought a gorgeous full skirt, burgundy taffeta with a black net over, which I wore for our third meeting this week – last night. Halloween today so we did a slightly gothic influenced look, but only slightly, and went out on the town, or rather Village, again. Was super fun, just the 2 of us, though later on we bumped into Gigi, and old acquaintance of Pippa’s. Got very drunk and ate chicken and chips again, it’s becoming a trend. This morning I woke up quite early so I touched up my make up and drove home dressed, always a pleasure. After dropping off Pippa I stopped at Charnock Richard services to use the ladies. No-one seemed to notice me, at all, which was nice. In fact it made me feel so good that I decided to stop off again at Lancaster and have a look round the shops. Hardly anyone noticed me again, making me feel better and better, and much more confident about going out on my own, in daylight, in "normal" situations. In fact I can’t wait to do it again. I tried on a black suede skirt in Marks and Spencer, which fitted very well so I bought it, and a belt to go with it. Went round all the other clothes shops but nothing really took my fancy. Autumn fashion is so boring, well it seems to be this year, a lot of brown about, which I’m forbidden from wearing by my style guru. Actually I think Pip and I could do a good Trinny and Susannah ("What Not to Wear"), apropos Maria’s forum thread, which had occurred to me after the last TM in London. Some girls, tsk, they really aren’t bothered, but each to her own I guess. So after an eventful week I seem to have no plans until Christmas, but I’m sure something will come up, eh Pip?!  
    522 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • And on the seventh day God laid his feet on the back of the armchair and he sleepeth ‘til noon I was never especially fond of Sundays, probably because of work looming the next day, but at least it’s an excuse for a day of rest. Today has been good, in fact it’s been a good weekend, in fact it’s been a good week, almost perfect. Let’s get the almost bits out of the way first. I broke a tooth, and the dentist can’t fix it, but it’s not causing any discomfort so he’s just going to leave it until it does, when it’ll have to come out, yuk. It’s the back tooth though so it won’t spoil my lovely smile. And my Aga broke down again, well it was leaking kerosene actually, so I had to turn it off for a couple of days until I could get a new part, which turned out to be the metric version of what I needed, my Aga being about 40 years old, but after a great struggle I managed to get it to fit. Bloody cold in this house with the Aga off, I don’t have central heating. So, minor problems really. Pip came over on Monday afternoon, as it was her day off, which was lovely, even if only for a few hours. I’d been feeling slightly emotionally fragile over the weekend so I felt much better after her visit. Thanks hun, you‘re a star. On Wednesday I decided to go for a jaunt and do some shopping in Manchester, as luck would have it Pip had the afternoon off so she joined me. We weren’t dressed, but it was fun, and I bought a gorgeous full skirt, burgundy taffeta with a black net over, which I wore for our third meeting this week – last night. Halloween today so we did a slightly gothic influenced look, but only slightly, and went out on the town, or rather Village, again. Was super fun, just the 2 of us, though later on we bumped into Gigi, and old acquaintance of Pippa’s. Got very drunk and ate chicken and chips again, it’s becoming a trend. This morning I woke up quite early so I touched up my make up and drove home dressed, always a pleasure. After dropping off Pippa I stopped at Charnock Richard services to use the ladies. No-one seemed to notice me, at all, which was nice. In fact it made me feel so good that I decided to stop off again at Lancaster and have a look round the shops. Hardly anyone noticed me again, making me feel better and better, and much more confident about going out on my own, in daylight, in "normal" situations. In fact I can’t wait to do it again. I tried on a black suede skirt in Marks and Spencer, which fitted very well so I bought it, and a belt to go with it. Went round all the other clothes shops but nothing really took my fancy. Autumn fashion is so boring, well it seems to be this year, a lot of brown about, which I’m forbidden from wearing by my style guru. Actually I think Pip and I could do a good Trinny and Susannah ("What Not to Wear"), apropos Maria’s forum thread, which had occurred to me after the last TM in London. Some girls, tsk, they really aren’t bothered, but each to her own I guess. So after an eventful week I seem to have no plans until Christmas, but I’m sure something will come up, eh Pip?!  
    Oct 31, 2004 522
  • 19 Oct 2004
    Nights in pink satin Saturday, as most of you will be aware, was the night that Trans-mission returned to Manchester, so of course I was there, as were Pippa, Cerys and Shan. Was a great evening, my only disappointment being the music which was more like the stuff they play at the London Trans-mission, rather than the predominately pop stuff that they played at the second birthday party in Manchester earlier this year. Still, it was a good atmosphere, and I didn’t embarrass myself by dancing. I expect I managed it in other ways though. I got to Manchester late afternoon to give myself time to relax a little. Cerys mentioned in her blog that the International Hotel is becoming increasingly grubby, she’s not wrong, I thought exactly the same when I arrived. Mind you I entered the room to find that it hadn’t been cleaned and the toilet wouldn’t flush, what’s more it had been used, no way was I staying there. So, back down to reception to politely complain, luckily they had one spare room so I was able to swap. I was just about to start my make up when Cerys called and said she might pop up sometime, having just arrived herself. So I got to work half-expecting Cerys to turn up at any time. I’d just finished my foundation when there was a knock at the door. Assuming it was Cerys I answered it to find a little Scottish man standing there staring at me in disbelief. I was in a short dress, hair tied back in an Alice-band, pale-faced, looking like a stereotypical drag queen making up before the show. "Er… sorry I think I’ve got the wrong room", "I think you have dear", don’t know why he looked so surprised, it’s a tranny-friendly hotel run by gays, maybe he was just expecting to see his boyfriend or something, but his eyes lingered on me for rather too long. I closed the door as politely as one can in someone’s face, well, he was staring at me with his jaw on the floor, and not I expect, because he was astounded by my beauty. I was nearly done when Cerys rang again to warn me that she was coming up. I had a play with her new hair and gave her a drink. Just as I was saying that Pippa must be pretty close by now there came another knock on the door and there she was, right on cue. We’d decided to dress 50’s style, something we’ve both always wanted to do, and Trans-mission being the sort of night where you can get away with dressing a bit over the top. It was fun, though having seen the pics I’m sure I could do better, not bad for a first attempt though, and it certainly attracted attention. I just love those huge skirts (though mine was a little short to be authentic) with masses of petticoat, 40 yards of chiffon in mine, heavenly. All in all it was a super night, made special by the company of the lovely Cerys and Shan. I didn’t feel at all conspicuous despite looking like an extra from Grease, even in the greasy chip shop. You can dress outrageously in the Village, go buy chicken and chips, wander round freely and no-one is in the least surprised. I suppose really we should have got hot dogs and root beer but even me and Pippa are not THAT pedantic. Having not quite perfected the 50’s make up style, our next night out is probably going to be a Halloween party at some friends of Pippa’s, so I now have to work on some sort of Gothic/vampish look, or maybe I could go as a virgin. Naah, no-one’s gonna believe that for a second.
    469 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Nights in pink satin Saturday, as most of you will be aware, was the night that Trans-mission returned to Manchester, so of course I was there, as were Pippa, Cerys and Shan. Was a great evening, my only disappointment being the music which was more like the stuff they play at the London Trans-mission, rather than the predominately pop stuff that they played at the second birthday party in Manchester earlier this year. Still, it was a good atmosphere, and I didn’t embarrass myself by dancing. I expect I managed it in other ways though. I got to Manchester late afternoon to give myself time to relax a little. Cerys mentioned in her blog that the International Hotel is becoming increasingly grubby, she’s not wrong, I thought exactly the same when I arrived. Mind you I entered the room to find that it hadn’t been cleaned and the toilet wouldn’t flush, what’s more it had been used, no way was I staying there. So, back down to reception to politely complain, luckily they had one spare room so I was able to swap. I was just about to start my make up when Cerys called and said she might pop up sometime, having just arrived herself. So I got to work half-expecting Cerys to turn up at any time. I’d just finished my foundation when there was a knock at the door. Assuming it was Cerys I answered it to find a little Scottish man standing there staring at me in disbelief. I was in a short dress, hair tied back in an Alice-band, pale-faced, looking like a stereotypical drag queen making up before the show. "Er… sorry I think I’ve got the wrong room", "I think you have dear", don’t know why he looked so surprised, it’s a tranny-friendly hotel run by gays, maybe he was just expecting to see his boyfriend or something, but his eyes lingered on me for rather too long. I closed the door as politely as one can in someone’s face, well, he was staring at me with his jaw on the floor, and not I expect, because he was astounded by my beauty. I was nearly done when Cerys rang again to warn me that she was coming up. I had a play with her new hair and gave her a drink. Just as I was saying that Pippa must be pretty close by now there came another knock on the door and there she was, right on cue. We’d decided to dress 50’s style, something we’ve both always wanted to do, and Trans-mission being the sort of night where you can get away with dressing a bit over the top. It was fun, though having seen the pics I’m sure I could do better, not bad for a first attempt though, and it certainly attracted attention. I just love those huge skirts (though mine was a little short to be authentic) with masses of petticoat, 40 yards of chiffon in mine, heavenly. All in all it was a super night, made special by the company of the lovely Cerys and Shan. I didn’t feel at all conspicuous despite looking like an extra from Grease, even in the greasy chip shop. You can dress outrageously in the Village, go buy chicken and chips, wander round freely and no-one is in the least surprised. I suppose really we should have got hot dogs and root beer but even me and Pippa are not THAT pedantic. Having not quite perfected the 50’s make up style, our next night out is probably going to be a Halloween party at some friends of Pippa’s, so I now have to work on some sort of Gothic/vampish look, or maybe I could go as a virgin. Naah, no-one’s gonna believe that for a second.
    Oct 19, 2004 469
  • 15 Oct 2004
    Reflections Well bugger me it’s late. Not just late in the evening or rather early in the morning, but late in the week; what I mean is, I had a lovely evening with a special friend on Sunday and I haven’t even mentioned it yet. Anyone who appreciates good writing or good people will by now have read Cerys’s’s’s Thought Bubbles, which mentions the fact that I paid her a visit, and she even manages to describe it in proper joined up sentences. What she said was true; we sat down to eat at 8pm and the next thing we know it’s 3am and we are still sat there nattering. She said nice things about me, lovely, but it makes me feel the need to be brutally honest… (Cerys gulps!) I see myself in some way an emotional chameleon, perhaps a personality chameleon. If I am confronted with someone quiet, shy, loud, outgoing, I see myself acting in the same way, it may sound false, but it’s never contrived, never intentional, it just happens. If you meet me and think, what a twat, be very worried! I am so pleased to have met Cerys, she is such wonderful company, and if she thinks that I am too, then it’s all her own doing. I am no fun unless I am in the company of someone else who is fun to be with, and Cerys just is. She has described me in such a touching way, but she is really describing her own image in the mirror. Psychobabble aside, it takes two to have an enjoyable evening, and basically we just get on. It’s special. Someone else I seem to click with, as you are probably bored with hearing about, is Pippa, ohh the lovely Pippa. Friday today (just), which means that tomorrow we will meet again. The second time I met Pippa was at the Trans-mission party in Manchester, she couldn’t get a hotel room but I had a twin room already booked so was more than happy to have her share. There’s a blog about this somewhere; as soon as she arrived, something clicked, we were sat on the bed within minutes talking about make up, nails, and what to wear. All of a sudden, and I mean this, it felt like I had a sister, like we were both looking in the mirror. It was wonderful. We’d met a month earlier along with Cathy, also in Manchester, just a quiet night out really, but real fun. Something instantaneous happened when I first met her; NO not love at first sight you shmucky romantic old fools, just, I don’t know, I guess it was the underlying sisterness that we were to discover next time we met, in simple terms, we just got on. Bloody hell that’s two people that I just get on with…. Pippa looked in the mirror and saw me, and I was no longer just a reflection. I simply cannot say what it means to have such a friend, because the right words haven’t been invented yet. I love you my Pippa, thank you. Anyway now I’M being a shmucky romantic old fool and all this came to mind because tomorrow is TM party night in Manchester again. I long to feel Pippa in my arms again, but I have other needs too, and recently have spent little time getting out as myself in public. Why should that be a big deal? I can be myself at home but I’ve been doing that for more than 10 years; I need to feel like a real person, not like a mirror that no-one looks into. Don’t want to sound blasé, but the fact that it’s a TM party is irrelevant, I’m just happy to be venturing out again, but it is still quite special to be at an event where I am surrounded by people who in some way feel the same as I do. OK so it’s not totally irrelevant, but what I mean is, for me to get out, interact, be me, for the public to see me for who I really am is all I need. I need to be me, and I know there is no chance of survival by continuing to be the actor in this long-running soap opera into which I seem to have found myself mis-cast. I AM looking forward to a big party though, and the chance to dress up a bit, maybe in something a little different this time, who knows? And I am looking forward to meeting sisters old and new. Almost exactly six months ago, I’d never properly been out dressed and no-one had ever met the real Lucy. What a difference. Soap operas can be so dull.
    408 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Reflections Well bugger me it’s late. Not just late in the evening or rather early in the morning, but late in the week; what I mean is, I had a lovely evening with a special friend on Sunday and I haven’t even mentioned it yet. Anyone who appreciates good writing or good people will by now have read Cerys’s’s’s Thought Bubbles, which mentions the fact that I paid her a visit, and she even manages to describe it in proper joined up sentences. What she said was true; we sat down to eat at 8pm and the next thing we know it’s 3am and we are still sat there nattering. She said nice things about me, lovely, but it makes me feel the need to be brutally honest… (Cerys gulps!) I see myself in some way an emotional chameleon, perhaps a personality chameleon. If I am confronted with someone quiet, shy, loud, outgoing, I see myself acting in the same way, it may sound false, but it’s never contrived, never intentional, it just happens. If you meet me and think, what a twat, be very worried! I am so pleased to have met Cerys, she is such wonderful company, and if she thinks that I am too, then it’s all her own doing. I am no fun unless I am in the company of someone else who is fun to be with, and Cerys just is. She has described me in such a touching way, but she is really describing her own image in the mirror. Psychobabble aside, it takes two to have an enjoyable evening, and basically we just get on. It’s special. Someone else I seem to click with, as you are probably bored with hearing about, is Pippa, ohh the lovely Pippa. Friday today (just), which means that tomorrow we will meet again. The second time I met Pippa was at the Trans-mission party in Manchester, she couldn’t get a hotel room but I had a twin room already booked so was more than happy to have her share. There’s a blog about this somewhere; as soon as she arrived, something clicked, we were sat on the bed within minutes talking about make up, nails, and what to wear. All of a sudden, and I mean this, it felt like I had a sister, like we were both looking in the mirror. It was wonderful. We’d met a month earlier along with Cathy, also in Manchester, just a quiet night out really, but real fun. Something instantaneous happened when I first met her; NO not love at first sight you shmucky romantic old fools, just, I don’t know, I guess it was the underlying sisterness that we were to discover next time we met, in simple terms, we just got on. Bloody hell that’s two people that I just get on with…. Pippa looked in the mirror and saw me, and I was no longer just a reflection. I simply cannot say what it means to have such a friend, because the right words haven’t been invented yet. I love you my Pippa, thank you. Anyway now I’M being a shmucky romantic old fool and all this came to mind because tomorrow is TM party night in Manchester again. I long to feel Pippa in my arms again, but I have other needs too, and recently have spent little time getting out as myself in public. Why should that be a big deal? I can be myself at home but I’ve been doing that for more than 10 years; I need to feel like a real person, not like a mirror that no-one looks into. Don’t want to sound blasé, but the fact that it’s a TM party is irrelevant, I’m just happy to be venturing out again, but it is still quite special to be at an event where I am surrounded by people who in some way feel the same as I do. OK so it’s not totally irrelevant, but what I mean is, for me to get out, interact, be me, for the public to see me for who I really am is all I need. I need to be me, and I know there is no chance of survival by continuing to be the actor in this long-running soap opera into which I seem to have found myself mis-cast. I AM looking forward to a big party though, and the chance to dress up a bit, maybe in something a little different this time, who knows? And I am looking forward to meeting sisters old and new. Almost exactly six months ago, I’d never properly been out dressed and no-one had ever met the real Lucy. What a difference. Soap operas can be so dull.
    Oct 15, 2004 408
  • 09 Oct 2004
    Girly nights galore Another pleasant week in the life of Lucy. Pippa came over after work on Tuesday and stopped until Wednesday afternoon, a brief visit but we made the most of it and it was lovely as always to have her here. I gave her lots of hugs. Tomorrow I’m going over to see Cerys, and get the dinner that she owes me (not really Cerys – you don’t owe me anything), so another girly night in, and a make up practice session, always needed, especially a week before a Trans-mission event! Yes next week there’s another tm party in Manchester, the one earlier in the year was great, let’s hope this one is too. It’s been a while since I was at the Village so it will be nice to get out again and let my hair down. I’ve just been round to my mum’s. After telling her my secret the other week she promptly caught the next plane to Spain, maybe she didn’t take it that well after all. No – the two were not connected; the flight had already been booked. So this was the first time I’ve seen her since then, and she is still cool about everything, even when sober (she said I can borrow her lipstick anytime, though I don’t need to; I have plenty and I go for a much tartier look). She’s broken her arm actually, poor thing. That wasn’t the sort of break in the sun she was supposed to be having. A gang of lads knocked her over as they ran past. Blokes eh? Bloody nuisance. Anyway she has a loving daughter to look after her now, I’ll be going round on Monday to cook her a proper meal, when I get back from Cerys’s. I’ve warned her I may be slightly hung-over. Well that Cerys you know, she’s a bad influence on me… Hope you all enjoyed my science lesson, I thought that was great – a diamond the size of a moon, named Lucy; couldn’t believe it when I found that, like someone had put it there to wind me up, but no it’s for real. Anyway I must get on, it seems to be all go at the moment, with one thing or another, and right now I have one of those difficult, life-defining decisions to make: what AM I going to wear tomorrow?
    466 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Girly nights galore Another pleasant week in the life of Lucy. Pippa came over after work on Tuesday and stopped until Wednesday afternoon, a brief visit but we made the most of it and it was lovely as always to have her here. I gave her lots of hugs. Tomorrow I’m going over to see Cerys, and get the dinner that she owes me (not really Cerys – you don’t owe me anything), so another girly night in, and a make up practice session, always needed, especially a week before a Trans-mission event! Yes next week there’s another tm party in Manchester, the one earlier in the year was great, let’s hope this one is too. It’s been a while since I was at the Village so it will be nice to get out again and let my hair down. I’ve just been round to my mum’s. After telling her my secret the other week she promptly caught the next plane to Spain, maybe she didn’t take it that well after all. No – the two were not connected; the flight had already been booked. So this was the first time I’ve seen her since then, and she is still cool about everything, even when sober (she said I can borrow her lipstick anytime, though I don’t need to; I have plenty and I go for a much tartier look). She’s broken her arm actually, poor thing. That wasn’t the sort of break in the sun she was supposed to be having. A gang of lads knocked her over as they ran past. Blokes eh? Bloody nuisance. Anyway she has a loving daughter to look after her now, I’ll be going round on Monday to cook her a proper meal, when I get back from Cerys’s. I’ve warned her I may be slightly hung-over. Well that Cerys you know, she’s a bad influence on me… Hope you all enjoyed my science lesson, I thought that was great – a diamond the size of a moon, named Lucy; couldn’t believe it when I found that, like someone had put it there to wind me up, but no it’s for real. Anyway I must get on, it seems to be all go at the moment, with one thing or another, and right now I have one of those difficult, life-defining decisions to make: what AM I going to wear tomorrow?
    Oct 09, 2004 466
  • 05 Oct 2004
    Heavenly Body Moon-sized diamond found in space By Lucy Sherriff Published Wednesday 18th February 2004 14:56 GMT The biggest ever diamond has been found floating in space. The gem, estimated at close to 10 billion trillion trillion carats, is at the core of a dead star (BPM 37093) - a crystallised white dwarf.The newly-discovered diamond in the sky is a whopping great chunk of crystallised carbon 50 light-years from the Earth in the constellation Centaurus. It is 2,500 miles across (the moon is approximately 2,200 miles across) and weighs 5 million trillion trillion pounds. It has been dubbed "Lucy" in reference to the Beatles' song, "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". Diamond specialists told the research team that if nothing else, the diamond was much too big to wear.* Theorists have long speculated that the cores of extinct white dwarves would crystallise, but until now have had no way to prove it. However, the white dwarf is not only radiant but also harmonious. It rings like a gigantic gong, undergoing constant pulsations. "By measuring those pulsations, we were able to study the hidden interior of the white dwarf, just like seismograph measurements of earthquakes allow geologists to study the interior of the Earth. We figured out that the carbon interior of this white dwarf has solidified to form the galaxy's largest diamond," explained Travis Metcalfe, head of the team at Harvard Smithsonian Centre for Astrophysics. Our own Sun will become a white dwarf when it dies 5 billion years from now, having first expanded to engulf almost everything in the solar system. Two billion years after that, the core will crystallise, leaving a giant diamond in its place. ® *Ms. Lopez, please take note: there are limits... http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/02/18/moonsized_diamond_found_in_space/ A moon-sized diamond named after me! How wonderful.
    502 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Heavenly Body Moon-sized diamond found in space By Lucy Sherriff Published Wednesday 18th February 2004 14:56 GMT The biggest ever diamond has been found floating in space. The gem, estimated at close to 10 billion trillion trillion carats, is at the core of a dead star (BPM 37093) - a crystallised white dwarf.The newly-discovered diamond in the sky is a whopping great chunk of crystallised carbon 50 light-years from the Earth in the constellation Centaurus. It is 2,500 miles across (the moon is approximately 2,200 miles across) and weighs 5 million trillion trillion pounds. It has been dubbed "Lucy" in reference to the Beatles' song, "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds". Diamond specialists told the research team that if nothing else, the diamond was much too big to wear.* Theorists have long speculated that the cores of extinct white dwarves would crystallise, but until now have had no way to prove it. However, the white dwarf is not only radiant but also harmonious. It rings like a gigantic gong, undergoing constant pulsations. "By measuring those pulsations, we were able to study the hidden interior of the white dwarf, just like seismograph measurements of earthquakes allow geologists to study the interior of the Earth. We figured out that the carbon interior of this white dwarf has solidified to form the galaxy's largest diamond," explained Travis Metcalfe, head of the team at Harvard Smithsonian Centre for Astrophysics. Our own Sun will become a white dwarf when it dies 5 billion years from now, having first expanded to engulf almost everything in the solar system. Two billion years after that, the core will crystallise, leaving a giant diamond in its place. ® *Ms. Lopez, please take note: there are limits... http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/02/18/moonsized_diamond_found_in_space/ A moon-sized diamond named after me! How wonderful.
    Oct 05, 2004 502
  • 03 Oct 2004
    Words and feelings I was recently involved in a forum debate, which digressed (as they do) onto the subject of definitions of transsexual and transgender. Those of us that took an interest and commented on this were on more than one occasion told off for getting caught up in unimportant issues or just plain squabbling. Well we weren’t squabbling, so there. Use of language really interests me, and also there’s a lot of people out there who don’t really know the difference between ts and tg, so it would be nice to have a universal agreement on these terms, which describe people like ourselves. Of course the most important thing here is that the label is irrelevant to the person we actually are, I am me whatever you choose to call me. Also, for the record, no-one is wrong or right in this debate, words can be interpreted in different ways, and clear-cut definitions may need to be adjusted along with society’s changing perceptions. Some ambiguity is no surprise therefore, society’s attitude towards transgenderism is probably changing faster than it ever has done in the past. Anyway if all that’s a bit boring, I’m only telling you because of something I stumbled across which made me giggle. Science has a little known term for people who are NOT in any way transgendered: Cisgendered (pronounced like "sis…"); having a gender identity that society considers appropriate for one's sex. And I quote, "Some have perhaps jokingly commented that if trans people can be called trannies for short, then cisgender people can be called "cissies". Well I liked it. It’s a natural human defence to insist that one is "normal", might make people less willing to do so if they have to insist that they are cissies. Open to confusion though, "I’m not a tranny I’m a cissy… er, I mean…" See? This week seems to have flown by, where does the time go? I went to see an old friend, William this week. He’s had a mention before, I found out a only few months ago that he’s known my secret for years, so on the few occasions that he’s been round I’ve kept my true identity hidden when I didn’t need to. Anyway after several emails saying we really must get together, we finally did, and now I have someone else that I can talk to without having to hide my true feelings. Which is nice. That makes four people outside of tweb, doesn’t sound like a lot does it? All special people though, so it makes a big difference. A few people have said I must be walking on air, deliriously happy about telling my mum; yes sort of. Of course I’m happy I’ve got it over with and especially with the way she took it, but we still have a lot to talk about and there are still issues we both have to face up to, and despite everything in my last blog, I don’t think she’ll find it easy. I still have some decisions, and some changes to make, and the clock is ticking. My father is another matter. He would react in an entirely different manner and I presently have no intentions of telling him. I suppose one day I might have to, but I’ll deal with that when the time is right; it isn’t yet. So I’m pleased that Lucy is more out in the open than she was last week, but she still has her feet firmly on the ground, as she usually does. I am happy, more than ever, but not delirious. Thanks for all your comments and support; makes me want to cry (bloody hormones). It was a big thing for me, I found it emotionally draining, but it was the right thing to do, and without you lot, I would never have done it. Love you all. xx
    545 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Words and feelings I was recently involved in a forum debate, which digressed (as they do) onto the subject of definitions of transsexual and transgender. Those of us that took an interest and commented on this were on more than one occasion told off for getting caught up in unimportant issues or just plain squabbling. Well we weren’t squabbling, so there. Use of language really interests me, and also there’s a lot of people out there who don’t really know the difference between ts and tg, so it would be nice to have a universal agreement on these terms, which describe people like ourselves. Of course the most important thing here is that the label is irrelevant to the person we actually are, I am me whatever you choose to call me. Also, for the record, no-one is wrong or right in this debate, words can be interpreted in different ways, and clear-cut definitions may need to be adjusted along with society’s changing perceptions. Some ambiguity is no surprise therefore, society’s attitude towards transgenderism is probably changing faster than it ever has done in the past. Anyway if all that’s a bit boring, I’m only telling you because of something I stumbled across which made me giggle. Science has a little known term for people who are NOT in any way transgendered: Cisgendered (pronounced like "sis…"); having a gender identity that society considers appropriate for one's sex. And I quote, "Some have perhaps jokingly commented that if trans people can be called trannies for short, then cisgender people can be called "cissies". Well I liked it. It’s a natural human defence to insist that one is "normal", might make people less willing to do so if they have to insist that they are cissies. Open to confusion though, "I’m not a tranny I’m a cissy… er, I mean…" See? This week seems to have flown by, where does the time go? I went to see an old friend, William this week. He’s had a mention before, I found out a only few months ago that he’s known my secret for years, so on the few occasions that he’s been round I’ve kept my true identity hidden when I didn’t need to. Anyway after several emails saying we really must get together, we finally did, and now I have someone else that I can talk to without having to hide my true feelings. Which is nice. That makes four people outside of tweb, doesn’t sound like a lot does it? All special people though, so it makes a big difference. A few people have said I must be walking on air, deliriously happy about telling my mum; yes sort of. Of course I’m happy I’ve got it over with and especially with the way she took it, but we still have a lot to talk about and there are still issues we both have to face up to, and despite everything in my last blog, I don’t think she’ll find it easy. I still have some decisions, and some changes to make, and the clock is ticking. My father is another matter. He would react in an entirely different manner and I presently have no intentions of telling him. I suppose one day I might have to, but I’ll deal with that when the time is right; it isn’t yet. So I’m pleased that Lucy is more out in the open than she was last week, but she still has her feet firmly on the ground, as she usually does. I am happy, more than ever, but not delirious. Thanks for all your comments and support; makes me want to cry (bloody hormones). It was a big thing for me, I found it emotionally draining, but it was the right thing to do, and without you lot, I would never have done it. Love you all. xx
    Oct 03, 2004 545
  • 27 Sep 2004
    That was the week that was What a super week it was. 3 days and 3 nights with the lovely Pippa, a great deal of love and support from my friends, and finally plucking up the courage to tell my mum about me. Not only that, but her acceptance of me and my secret could not have been better. She was amazing about it. Very calm and relaxed, not shocked, horrified, worried, saddened or even surprised. She said she wasn’t really surprised but not because she had ever suspected anything like this, she didn’t really explain that fully, but I think she meant that all this kind of explained a few things about my nature. I’d wanted to tell her before we sat down to dinner, but she talks a lot, in a nice way of course, and we talk about things that matter to us, so it didn’t seem appropriate to force it out straight away. I managed to stay reasonably calm and a few glasses of wine helped me on my way. As we finished eating (rainbow trout poached in Chardonnay, yum) the conversation turned towards family, and feelings and our similar experiences of taking more control of our own lives at around the same age. We’ve touched on this subject before, this time I wanted to explain fully some of the ways that I have taken control and how this has led to a greater understanding of myself, and consequently a greater happiness. This was it; "There’s something I want to tell you…" meant no turning back now. It took me a while to get it out. I first tried to explain why I was telling her, how it may seem odd but it really wasn’t a bad thing, and how it was important that at this stage she must be prepared to not discuss it with anyone else. She sat patiently and agreed to my stipulation, I guess she had no choice there. I explained this was something I had known all my life, it had always been there and I had come to terms with it. Shan told me how she told her mum, saying that she shouldn’t have been born a man, and that seemed to describe my feelings entirely, so that was my starting point. Thanks again Shan, I hope you don’t have copyright on your words. I then went on to explain exactly what that meant. Mercifully there was no stunned silence, just a calm, composed and understanding face looking at me from across the table. She soon asked questions and I soon had to clarify some terminology, and to what extent I was transgendered ("pretty far gone actually"). She had lots to say, and we talked for hours. I wasn’t totally happy about asking her not to discuss this with anyone, as I felt she might need to, but it became apparent that she does have one friend that I would be happy for her to approach, in fact it might be mutually beneficial to both of them. She said she doesn’t need to talk about it, but I encouraged her to, and I hope she does. People shouldn’t have to keep things to themselves. To say she wasn’t disturbed by any of this would be an understatement; to say that she seemed to be enjoying it would sound frivolous, but I think she appreciated the honesty, and the chance to be a little closer. She finally admitted that she had wanted a daughter (mum, I always knew that, truly), perhaps realising that now this wasn’t going to upset me. On the contrary, I had always wanted to BE her daughter, and it might take her a while to realise it fully, but that is what we are – mother and daughter. Her genuine desire to be understanding and accepting was awesome; why I thought she would have difficulty getting her head round it I’m not really sure, though I knew in my heart she would accept me as I am. She offered (get this) to lend me her clothes, though she might want to borrow mine, and to come round and compare nail varnish and stuff ("yes – a girly night"; a dream come true for me). I showed her the letter from Cerys, (she was touched and she wants to meet you Cerys!) and some of my favourite pics, telling her about some of my friends and experiences as she looked on in disbelief. Pippa – she wants to meet you too! She will love you both and you will love her, trust me. She was amazed at the pics, not even realising that the first one I showed her was me; "Which friend is that…?" She said I was beautiful and it didn’t look like me, which means that she’s not used to me looking beautiful I guess, or maybe just that she wanted me to feel good about myself. She may have got into the car and screamed, poured herself a large drink when she got home, taken some Valium, thought, "Oh my god where have I gone wrong, what am I going to do….?" But I doubt it. The way she took it was beyond my hopes and expectations, I couldn’t have asked for anything more from her. Despite all my worries, my dithering, my several blog’s worth of trying to talk myself into telling her, I knew she would accept me as I am, and just love me for who I am. I can’t find the words to say what it means to have her as my mum, but I think she knows. Thanks mum. xx
    488 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • That was the week that was What a super week it was. 3 days and 3 nights with the lovely Pippa, a great deal of love and support from my friends, and finally plucking up the courage to tell my mum about me. Not only that, but her acceptance of me and my secret could not have been better. She was amazing about it. Very calm and relaxed, not shocked, horrified, worried, saddened or even surprised. She said she wasn’t really surprised but not because she had ever suspected anything like this, she didn’t really explain that fully, but I think she meant that all this kind of explained a few things about my nature. I’d wanted to tell her before we sat down to dinner, but she talks a lot, in a nice way of course, and we talk about things that matter to us, so it didn’t seem appropriate to force it out straight away. I managed to stay reasonably calm and a few glasses of wine helped me on my way. As we finished eating (rainbow trout poached in Chardonnay, yum) the conversation turned towards family, and feelings and our similar experiences of taking more control of our own lives at around the same age. We’ve touched on this subject before, this time I wanted to explain fully some of the ways that I have taken control and how this has led to a greater understanding of myself, and consequently a greater happiness. This was it; "There’s something I want to tell you…" meant no turning back now. It took me a while to get it out. I first tried to explain why I was telling her, how it may seem odd but it really wasn’t a bad thing, and how it was important that at this stage she must be prepared to not discuss it with anyone else. She sat patiently and agreed to my stipulation, I guess she had no choice there. I explained this was something I had known all my life, it had always been there and I had come to terms with it. Shan told me how she told her mum, saying that she shouldn’t have been born a man, and that seemed to describe my feelings entirely, so that was my starting point. Thanks again Shan, I hope you don’t have copyright on your words. I then went on to explain exactly what that meant. Mercifully there was no stunned silence, just a calm, composed and understanding face looking at me from across the table. She soon asked questions and I soon had to clarify some terminology, and to what extent I was transgendered ("pretty far gone actually"). She had lots to say, and we talked for hours. I wasn’t totally happy about asking her not to discuss this with anyone, as I felt she might need to, but it became apparent that she does have one friend that I would be happy for her to approach, in fact it might be mutually beneficial to both of them. She said she doesn’t need to talk about it, but I encouraged her to, and I hope she does. People shouldn’t have to keep things to themselves. To say she wasn’t disturbed by any of this would be an understatement; to say that she seemed to be enjoying it would sound frivolous, but I think she appreciated the honesty, and the chance to be a little closer. She finally admitted that she had wanted a daughter (mum, I always knew that, truly), perhaps realising that now this wasn’t going to upset me. On the contrary, I had always wanted to BE her daughter, and it might take her a while to realise it fully, but that is what we are – mother and daughter. Her genuine desire to be understanding and accepting was awesome; why I thought she would have difficulty getting her head round it I’m not really sure, though I knew in my heart she would accept me as I am. She offered (get this) to lend me her clothes, though she might want to borrow mine, and to come round and compare nail varnish and stuff ("yes – a girly night"; a dream come true for me). I showed her the letter from Cerys, (she was touched and she wants to meet you Cerys!) and some of my favourite pics, telling her about some of my friends and experiences as she looked on in disbelief. Pippa – she wants to meet you too! She will love you both and you will love her, trust me. She was amazed at the pics, not even realising that the first one I showed her was me; "Which friend is that…?" She said I was beautiful and it didn’t look like me, which means that she’s not used to me looking beautiful I guess, or maybe just that she wanted me to feel good about myself. She may have got into the car and screamed, poured herself a large drink when she got home, taken some Valium, thought, "Oh my god where have I gone wrong, what am I going to do….?" But I doubt it. The way she took it was beyond my hopes and expectations, I couldn’t have asked for anything more from her. Despite all my worries, my dithering, my several blog’s worth of trying to talk myself into telling her, I knew she would accept me as I am, and just love me for who I am. I can’t find the words to say what it means to have her as my mum, but I think she knows. Thanks mum. xx
    Sep 27, 2004 488
  • 26 Sep 2004
    Today’s the day Or is it? Oh I don’t know. My mum is coming for dinner tonight, as I mentioned the other day she will want to know what I’ve been doing all week. She always asks me what I’ve been up to anyway, and since I said I was too busy to have her to dinner this week no doubt she will be even more curious. Sometimes I wonder if she suspects there is something I am not telling her, I often find myself being evasive. But if she does suspect something, I’m sure it won’t be this. In a way I would have liked to have had her round to dinner while Pippa was here, open the door fully dressed and introduce her to my bestest girlfriend. But not fair on either of them, especially mum. It would be an easy way of telling her, but not the right way. My difficulty is really finding the exact words to use. The fully dressed approach would be a visual clue, would it not…? But no, I need to actually string a few sentences together, and work out in my head beforehand what they are going to be. Still not sure, but one or two things to choose from now. I had another email from Cerys yesterday on the subject, and so did my mum actually, though it’s up to me to deliver it to her if and when the time is right. Having explained to Cerys how I expected my mother to go into worry mode, despite anything I could say to avert it, she came up with the idea of writing a letter from herself to Lucy’s mum, by way of reassurance. I was touched at such a thought; I can’t ask for better friends than that, and having read it and wept (that’s a good thing by the way) I feel sure it really will help her to understand that what I am telling her is not actually a bad thing, and that she should be happy for me, if not a little proud. Cerys, I’ve thanked you privately, and given you a credit in a previous blog, but I must say in public, your words to my mother and myself are well considered, very moving, and truly wonderful. Your support and friendship in recent months has been unconditional, and quite staggering. And all you got out of it was a chicken curry. Your kindness and compassion continue to touch me deeply in a way that I am simply not used to. I thank you with all my heart for everything, and am proud to be your friend. NOW can I come to dinner?! It may be that the moment just is not right, or maybe that’s a euphemism for me bottling it, but one thing’s for sure, even before she arrives I am going to be a nervous wreck, so the sooner I get it over with the better. This sort of stress is really not good for a girl, and this is the sort of thing that I find very difficult and turns me into jelly. I’ve been on stage in front of 10,000 people (hey I’ve done gigs to only 5 people too, and 2 of them were bar staff), that I can handle, no problem, piece of cake. This? Oh bugger. Buggering hell, in fact. I know she won’t disown me, I know her that well at least, though I don’t really know how much she knows on the subject of transgenderism. It could be a steep learning curve. In at the deep end. What are the alternatives? It’s more than likely that one day she would find out anyway, and I’d rather choose to tell her than have to. I can carry on trying to hide it from her, and if I succeeded she would go to her grave never having known me, not properly, and never realising that she had a daughter who loved life. Why should I want to hide that from her? It’s rhetorical, I bet you can all think of lots of reasons, but the simple truth is I don’t, I just want her to know me and love me for who I am. Mum, maybe one day you will read this and all my other blogs and see what has always been inside me, and see the things that really matter to me, including yourself. I’m sorry I swore, and mentioned sex, and oh god what else have I said? I do go on don’t I… I’ve been holding things back from you, things I’ve been aware of since I was 4, and I just want us to be as close as we possibly can be, because I love you. The drinks are chilled; tonight we may both need one.
    433 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Today’s the day Or is it? Oh I don’t know. My mum is coming for dinner tonight, as I mentioned the other day she will want to know what I’ve been doing all week. She always asks me what I’ve been up to anyway, and since I said I was too busy to have her to dinner this week no doubt she will be even more curious. Sometimes I wonder if she suspects there is something I am not telling her, I often find myself being evasive. But if she does suspect something, I’m sure it won’t be this. In a way I would have liked to have had her round to dinner while Pippa was here, open the door fully dressed and introduce her to my bestest girlfriend. But not fair on either of them, especially mum. It would be an easy way of telling her, but not the right way. My difficulty is really finding the exact words to use. The fully dressed approach would be a visual clue, would it not…? But no, I need to actually string a few sentences together, and work out in my head beforehand what they are going to be. Still not sure, but one or two things to choose from now. I had another email from Cerys yesterday on the subject, and so did my mum actually, though it’s up to me to deliver it to her if and when the time is right. Having explained to Cerys how I expected my mother to go into worry mode, despite anything I could say to avert it, she came up with the idea of writing a letter from herself to Lucy’s mum, by way of reassurance. I was touched at such a thought; I can’t ask for better friends than that, and having read it and wept (that’s a good thing by the way) I feel sure it really will help her to understand that what I am telling her is not actually a bad thing, and that she should be happy for me, if not a little proud. Cerys, I’ve thanked you privately, and given you a credit in a previous blog, but I must say in public, your words to my mother and myself are well considered, very moving, and truly wonderful. Your support and friendship in recent months has been unconditional, and quite staggering. And all you got out of it was a chicken curry. Your kindness and compassion continue to touch me deeply in a way that I am simply not used to. I thank you with all my heart for everything, and am proud to be your friend. NOW can I come to dinner?! It may be that the moment just is not right, or maybe that’s a euphemism for me bottling it, but one thing’s for sure, even before she arrives I am going to be a nervous wreck, so the sooner I get it over with the better. This sort of stress is really not good for a girl, and this is the sort of thing that I find very difficult and turns me into jelly. I’ve been on stage in front of 10,000 people (hey I’ve done gigs to only 5 people too, and 2 of them were bar staff), that I can handle, no problem, piece of cake. This? Oh bugger. Buggering hell, in fact. I know she won’t disown me, I know her that well at least, though I don’t really know how much she knows on the subject of transgenderism. It could be a steep learning curve. In at the deep end. What are the alternatives? It’s more than likely that one day she would find out anyway, and I’d rather choose to tell her than have to. I can carry on trying to hide it from her, and if I succeeded she would go to her grave never having known me, not properly, and never realising that she had a daughter who loved life. Why should I want to hide that from her? It’s rhetorical, I bet you can all think of lots of reasons, but the simple truth is I don’t, I just want her to know me and love me for who I am. Mum, maybe one day you will read this and all my other blogs and see what has always been inside me, and see the things that really matter to me, including yourself. I’m sorry I swore, and mentioned sex, and oh god what else have I said? I do go on don’t I… I’ve been holding things back from you, things I’ve been aware of since I was 4, and I just want us to be as close as we possibly can be, because I love you. The drinks are chilled; tonight we may both need one.
    Sep 26, 2004 433