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Lucy Diamond 's Entries

204 blogs
  • 09 Jul 2004
    Sisterly gatherings Thanks once again for your sweet comments girls; heart-warming. Your first time out eh Jane? I'll have a bucket of water at the ready, but a large cold vodka and coke will probably be more appropriate. It really makes me happy to see girls venturing out for the first time, it's good for "the cause" - every new girl on the street helps to raise our profile, and it's good for themselves - feeling the freedom to be able to express themselves the way they've always wanted. I also feel that I'm making a statement to the world (or at least a little part of it): "Hey everybody, this is me". When you think about it, it's quite sad that many of us have (or had) never truly been able to say that, and that I think is what is so life-changing about going out. But I'm trying to avoid making that point over and over again, so don't just take my word for it, get out there and find out for yourself. And Cerys too, well, not the first time she's been out, but the first time for a long time so I think she's just as nervous (don't be honey, Aunty Lucy will look after you). Actually Cerys I think your nerves will disappear about 3 seconds after stepping through the hotel door, or possibly less. That's what I found on my first (ever) time out. It's a bit like being on stage, it's all a bit nervy in the dressing room doing make-up and costume, then you stand at the wings with butterflies, step onto the stage, the lights hit you and you become your character. The difference is you're showing your real character (fearless and feisty no doubt in your case, Cerys); no longer acting, just being yourself, and no need for silly nerves. I don't get nervous now, just can't wait to get out. But I do understand Cerys, actually I had a part in a show a few years ago, kind of a reunion, it was the first time I'd been onstage in nearly 20 years (as an actor), and yes I was a little bit nervous, but you'll be fine, and you know that as well as I do. I've been to the village twice now and it's a great place for the likes of us. Really looking forward to going back, and to meeting new people, including our wonderful webmistress Katie. I don't suppose she has time to read blogs, especially not ones as verbose as mine, but love and respect to you Katie for giving us this site, you saved my life, I hope you'll at least let me buy you a vodka. And my old friend (!) Sarah is making the trek up from London to be there, and also going even further north to visit me at the weekend. What a week for us Sarah - partying, dinner/girly night in, shopping, shopping and shopping, and then another evening out in the village! Phew, can we take the pace at our dear old age? I think we might just be able to handle it, eh babe?! Tina, today is  f r i d a y, so tomorrow is  s a t u r d a y; and you know what that means? Well this weekend for me it means something special; my beloved sister Pippa is coming to visit, and I'm so looking forward to having her over. Pip, you really do feel like my long lost sister; there have been a lot of things missing in my life and you were one of them. You're a true friend, and I'm so glad we've met. Prepare to be showered with affection, with the odd glass of Chardonnay thrown in. With something to look forward to, today at work seems to be going a lot quicker. It's been a difficult week, especially yesterday which was awful, having to deal with ignorant, arrogant customers (who are always right) and certain f***head employees who have their heads stuck up their own a**** and are *%!"$**^! and need ^!&£$%^*"@'<|¬ing. If I'd been wearing my heels they could have done someone some serious damage. Yes, it was a bad day. I am SO looking forward to tomorrow.
    435 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Sisterly gatherings Thanks once again for your sweet comments girls; heart-warming. Your first time out eh Jane? I'll have a bucket of water at the ready, but a large cold vodka and coke will probably be more appropriate. It really makes me happy to see girls venturing out for the first time, it's good for "the cause" - every new girl on the street helps to raise our profile, and it's good for themselves - feeling the freedom to be able to express themselves the way they've always wanted. I also feel that I'm making a statement to the world (or at least a little part of it): "Hey everybody, this is me". When you think about it, it's quite sad that many of us have (or had) never truly been able to say that, and that I think is what is so life-changing about going out. But I'm trying to avoid making that point over and over again, so don't just take my word for it, get out there and find out for yourself. And Cerys too, well, not the first time she's been out, but the first time for a long time so I think she's just as nervous (don't be honey, Aunty Lucy will look after you). Actually Cerys I think your nerves will disappear about 3 seconds after stepping through the hotel door, or possibly less. That's what I found on my first (ever) time out. It's a bit like being on stage, it's all a bit nervy in the dressing room doing make-up and costume, then you stand at the wings with butterflies, step onto the stage, the lights hit you and you become your character. The difference is you're showing your real character (fearless and feisty no doubt in your case, Cerys); no longer acting, just being yourself, and no need for silly nerves. I don't get nervous now, just can't wait to get out. But I do understand Cerys, actually I had a part in a show a few years ago, kind of a reunion, it was the first time I'd been onstage in nearly 20 years (as an actor), and yes I was a little bit nervous, but you'll be fine, and you know that as well as I do. I've been to the village twice now and it's a great place for the likes of us. Really looking forward to going back, and to meeting new people, including our wonderful webmistress Katie. I don't suppose she has time to read blogs, especially not ones as verbose as mine, but love and respect to you Katie for giving us this site, you saved my life, I hope you'll at least let me buy you a vodka. And my old friend (!) Sarah is making the trek up from London to be there, and also going even further north to visit me at the weekend. What a week for us Sarah - partying, dinner/girly night in, shopping, shopping and shopping, and then another evening out in the village! Phew, can we take the pace at our dear old age? I think we might just be able to handle it, eh babe?! Tina, today is  f r i d a y, so tomorrow is  s a t u r d a y; and you know what that means? Well this weekend for me it means something special; my beloved sister Pippa is coming to visit, and I'm so looking forward to having her over. Pip, you really do feel like my long lost sister; there have been a lot of things missing in my life and you were one of them. You're a true friend, and I'm so glad we've met. Prepare to be showered with affection, with the odd glass of Chardonnay thrown in. With something to look forward to, today at work seems to be going a lot quicker. It's been a difficult week, especially yesterday which was awful, having to deal with ignorant, arrogant customers (who are always right) and certain f***head employees who have their heads stuck up their own a**** and are *%!"$**^! and need ^!&£$%^*"@'<|¬ing. If I'd been wearing my heels they could have done someone some serious damage. Yes, it was a bad day. I am SO looking forward to tomorrow.
    Jul 09, 2004 435
  • 08 Jul 2004
    Sisterly love Wednesdays, I've warned you about those. It's the woe factor. Well I missed the last tm but of course I'm glad to hear that everyone enjoyed themselves. I ended up having a pleasant evening in with my make-up box and a long chat with Pippa. We always have a good chat, she tells me how lovely I am and I tell her what a great sense of humour she has. Hang on a minute... Well I think she's lovely too even if she is having a laugh. Going out dressed has had a great impact on me, and I think I may have made that point once or twice... ok ok I go on and on and on about it but it has see. Another wonderful thing I've got from this community is my lovely girlfriends. Yes I've made this point too, but it just keeps getting better. This is quite a different type of girlfriend to those I've had in the past, and a whole lot nicer. It's a girly thing to have girlfriends of course, I've always admired the closeness that some gg's have with each other and now I'm experiencing it for myself with girls like myself. It is special, and means a lot to me, and I kind of wasn't expecting it, as with a lot of things that have happened over the last 3 months. I mean, blokey mates are all right, you can have a beer and a laugh, and burp and fart in each other's company (it's not a good selling point is it). I think I tolerated socialising with men more than I enjoyed it. Clearly I don't really feel I have anything in common with other blokes. I always wished I had a sister and now I have loads, it's wonderful. I think as sisters we can have a special understanding of each other, we know more or less where the other is coming from, and so to a large extent, how each other feels. It's that understanding of feelings, emotions, sharing in our girlyness - isn't it lovely? Well I think it is; after years of dressing in isolation, to even talk about it is good, but to really share it, feel that connection with someone else, makes up for all those years of feeling slightly distanced from society, gives me a place where I belong, and makes me feel special. So a heartfelt thank-you to all those girls who have become my friends. I really appreciate your kindness, empathy, openness and warm, loving natures, and I hope I can offer something in return. I could blog at length, but I still wouldn't feel like I'd got across what you all mean to me, what it means to have friends like you. It means a lot, honest. You've made an old girl very happy. Now, where did I put my knitting...?
    439 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Sisterly love Wednesdays, I've warned you about those. It's the woe factor. Well I missed the last tm but of course I'm glad to hear that everyone enjoyed themselves. I ended up having a pleasant evening in with my make-up box and a long chat with Pippa. We always have a good chat, she tells me how lovely I am and I tell her what a great sense of humour she has. Hang on a minute... Well I think she's lovely too even if she is having a laugh. Going out dressed has had a great impact on me, and I think I may have made that point once or twice... ok ok I go on and on and on about it but it has see. Another wonderful thing I've got from this community is my lovely girlfriends. Yes I've made this point too, but it just keeps getting better. This is quite a different type of girlfriend to those I've had in the past, and a whole lot nicer. It's a girly thing to have girlfriends of course, I've always admired the closeness that some gg's have with each other and now I'm experiencing it for myself with girls like myself. It is special, and means a lot to me, and I kind of wasn't expecting it, as with a lot of things that have happened over the last 3 months. I mean, blokey mates are all right, you can have a beer and a laugh, and burp and fart in each other's company (it's not a good selling point is it). I think I tolerated socialising with men more than I enjoyed it. Clearly I don't really feel I have anything in common with other blokes. I always wished I had a sister and now I have loads, it's wonderful. I think as sisters we can have a special understanding of each other, we know more or less where the other is coming from, and so to a large extent, how each other feels. It's that understanding of feelings, emotions, sharing in our girlyness - isn't it lovely? Well I think it is; after years of dressing in isolation, to even talk about it is good, but to really share it, feel that connection with someone else, makes up for all those years of feeling slightly distanced from society, gives me a place where I belong, and makes me feel special. So a heartfelt thank-you to all those girls who have become my friends. I really appreciate your kindness, empathy, openness and warm, loving natures, and I hope I can offer something in return. I could blog at length, but I still wouldn't feel like I'd got across what you all mean to me, what it means to have friends like you. It means a lot, honest. You've made an old girl very happy. Now, where did I put my knitting...?
    Jul 08, 2004 439
  • 07 Jul 2004
    Bought a loaf of bread, some milk. Swept the kitchen floor, did the ironing.
    451 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Bought a loaf of bread, some milk. Swept the kitchen floor, did the ironing.
    Jul 07, 2004 451
  • 06 Jul 2004
    Kicking back Wow, over 1000 hits on my blog, who is reading this nonsense? Must be the masochists amongst us, the ones who like a good verbal kicking. Apropos, I’ve been chatting to Cerys recently trying to encourage her to go out again after a long time away from it, she was understandably nervous, and hesitant for which she apologised, and said she just needed a good kicking. So I gave her one (a kicking), verbally of course. I did it as nicely as possible but she had to go and lie down in a darkened room afterwards, bruised and battered. Seems to have done the trick though, we’re now discussing dates and venues. I’m looking forward to it, wherever we end up. Actually I can’t take credit for it, I could tell it’s what she really wanted, so obviously I just wanted to offer my encouragement, which was all it was really; I’m not a violent person, verbally or otherwise. She got her own back by inviting everyone round to my house for a party. Um, thanks for that comment Cerys. One day maybe... I’m told that some of our girls have got their pics on the tm site again, well done girls, always nice to see tw girls on the tm site. That shall be my mission for future tm’s, watch out for that camera and leap in front of it at every opportunity. Sounds a bit egotistical that, but it would just be nice – it would kind of feel like some sort of official recognition of being a t-girl who goes out. The tm site is open to the public; you don’t have to register as a member to view the pics, so it would feel like another step towards going public. So far (as far as I know) only tw members have seen my pics. I mentioned last time about an earlier blog entry, regarding the cluttered state of my room, I’ve been thinking about the reasons for that particular blog a lot recently. It wasn’t about the untidy state of my house as such, but more to do with how much less cautious I am now about my er, habits. I used to be so fastidious about such things, hiding away every trace of anything feminine every time I left the house; now I don’t bother and it’s all over the place, upstairs at least. Apart from the fact that I no longer have room to hide everything away I think I’m doing this on purpose. Subconsciously I’m trying to out myself. Which could be why I’d like to get my pic on the tm site for all the world to see. It’s a quandary. I still can’t bring myself to tell anyone, but if they find out for themselves, well then I’d have no choice. Method in my madness perhaps, or just plain madness. I think my heart wants me to come out, but my brain is telling me it’s really not a good idea. How will I ever know, unless I go past that point of no return? How would I be better off? Out of a job (at this moment in time that would be a GOOOD thing), no more little white lies, can’t think of much else, on a practical level anyway. But I can see it doing me some good spiritually. I really don’t want to cause my parents any grief, they’ve been good to me, but at what point do I stop worrying about hurting others and start thinking about looking after myself? It shouldn’t hurt them but I’m sure it would. My mum might come round, might even get into it, start buying me useful clothes for my birthdays, or maybe I'm just being optimistic. My dad would freak. Probably disown me. He doesn't like what he doesn't understand and he is never going to understand this. Even if he did I still wouldn't expect him to like it. At least I know what to expect from him. Which puts me off telling him, to put it mildly. It's never going to happen. If he did find out though, I would handle it; I'm made of strong stuff emotionally and I'm not going to fall apart whatever happens. Oh the coming out question, I always end up going round in circles with it, but always wanting to break the circle, find some direction. Still no conclusion though. I guess I'll just carry on making my house girly in the half-hope that someone sees it and the decision is taken out of my hands. My dad once said (long ago) that my house needed a woman's touch. If only he could see it now.
    460 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Kicking back Wow, over 1000 hits on my blog, who is reading this nonsense? Must be the masochists amongst us, the ones who like a good verbal kicking. Apropos, I’ve been chatting to Cerys recently trying to encourage her to go out again after a long time away from it, she was understandably nervous, and hesitant for which she apologised, and said she just needed a good kicking. So I gave her one (a kicking), verbally of course. I did it as nicely as possible but she had to go and lie down in a darkened room afterwards, bruised and battered. Seems to have done the trick though, we’re now discussing dates and venues. I’m looking forward to it, wherever we end up. Actually I can’t take credit for it, I could tell it’s what she really wanted, so obviously I just wanted to offer my encouragement, which was all it was really; I’m not a violent person, verbally or otherwise. She got her own back by inviting everyone round to my house for a party. Um, thanks for that comment Cerys. One day maybe... I’m told that some of our girls have got their pics on the tm site again, well done girls, always nice to see tw girls on the tm site. That shall be my mission for future tm’s, watch out for that camera and leap in front of it at every opportunity. Sounds a bit egotistical that, but it would just be nice – it would kind of feel like some sort of official recognition of being a t-girl who goes out. The tm site is open to the public; you don’t have to register as a member to view the pics, so it would feel like another step towards going public. So far (as far as I know) only tw members have seen my pics. I mentioned last time about an earlier blog entry, regarding the cluttered state of my room, I’ve been thinking about the reasons for that particular blog a lot recently. It wasn’t about the untidy state of my house as such, but more to do with how much less cautious I am now about my er, habits. I used to be so fastidious about such things, hiding away every trace of anything feminine every time I left the house; now I don’t bother and it’s all over the place, upstairs at least. Apart from the fact that I no longer have room to hide everything away I think I’m doing this on purpose. Subconsciously I’m trying to out myself. Which could be why I’d like to get my pic on the tm site for all the world to see. It’s a quandary. I still can’t bring myself to tell anyone, but if they find out for themselves, well then I’d have no choice. Method in my madness perhaps, or just plain madness. I think my heart wants me to come out, but my brain is telling me it’s really not a good idea. How will I ever know, unless I go past that point of no return? How would I be better off? Out of a job (at this moment in time that would be a GOOOD thing), no more little white lies, can’t think of much else, on a practical level anyway. But I can see it doing me some good spiritually. I really don’t want to cause my parents any grief, they’ve been good to me, but at what point do I stop worrying about hurting others and start thinking about looking after myself? It shouldn’t hurt them but I’m sure it would. My mum might come round, might even get into it, start buying me useful clothes for my birthdays, or maybe I'm just being optimistic. My dad would freak. Probably disown me. He doesn't like what he doesn't understand and he is never going to understand this. Even if he did I still wouldn't expect him to like it. At least I know what to expect from him. Which puts me off telling him, to put it mildly. It's never going to happen. If he did find out though, I would handle it; I'm made of strong stuff emotionally and I'm not going to fall apart whatever happens. Oh the coming out question, I always end up going round in circles with it, but always wanting to break the circle, find some direction. Still no conclusion though. I guess I'll just carry on making my house girly in the half-hope that someone sees it and the decision is taken out of my hands. My dad once said (long ago) that my house needed a woman's touch. If only he could see it now.
    Jul 06, 2004 460
  • 02 Jul 2004
    "We're gonna need a bigger boat" So many eager sailors amongst us. This is good girls we all need to pull together. This thing is bigger than most people realise, there are lots of us out there, and I bet the majority of them are keeping their secret entirely to themselves. Took me over 30 years to tell anyone, and several more years before I came here and started being more, pro-active. I hate that word, one of my mangers in a previous job used to say it all the time, several times a day, cringe. Come to think of it he used to say we all need to pull together too, um, better watch those buzzwords, don't want to start sounding like him. Actually I'm a bit frustrated today, I mean I really want to get sailing, feel the wind in my hair, but I've been tied to a desk all week. TFI Friday eh. How I'd love to just whizz off down to London tomorrow for tm night; it just feels like I ought to be there. Heart wrenching. It's not really logistically possible, let alone financially, but it's an opportunity to get out there into the real world and I'm missing it. It still feels like those opportunities are few and far between; I'm a bit out on a limb up here, when it comes to socialising with the girls. But it's not all gloom, as some of my sisters are prepared to travel north to meet up, which makes me feel all warm and glowy inside. Pippa is coming over next week for a girly night in, this is a first for me, not the girly night in of course - I've been doing those most nights for over 10 years, but this is the first time I will have anyone to share it with. I'm really looking forward to it. We can try each other's favourite dresses on, I'll cook something lovely for her and have a nice bottle of chilled chardonnay ready and generally make a fuss over her. In return she can paint my nails (she likes doing that & I love having it done), and just be there for girly chat. Oh, she can take some pics too, self-timers are so uninspiring. Her pics are more interesting than mine, hopefully she'll have some suggestions for sultry poses. So this weekend I must tidy the house; it’s all a bit of a mess, mainly due to being part-way through decorating. New shoes and jars of white spirit with dirty paintbrushes are not a good mix. And I must de-clutter the "dressing room" which is still in the same state as I described it in one of my early blogs, ie cluttered. Can’t let my dear sister see the house in this state – what will she think of me? So I’m feeling a bit like Cinderella in her rags today, lots of housework to do, and can’t go to the ball. Never mind, next week I will feel like a real princess.
    499 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • "We're gonna need a bigger boat" So many eager sailors amongst us. This is good girls we all need to pull together. This thing is bigger than most people realise, there are lots of us out there, and I bet the majority of them are keeping their secret entirely to themselves. Took me over 30 years to tell anyone, and several more years before I came here and started being more, pro-active. I hate that word, one of my mangers in a previous job used to say it all the time, several times a day, cringe. Come to think of it he used to say we all need to pull together too, um, better watch those buzzwords, don't want to start sounding like him. Actually I'm a bit frustrated today, I mean I really want to get sailing, feel the wind in my hair, but I've been tied to a desk all week. TFI Friday eh. How I'd love to just whizz off down to London tomorrow for tm night; it just feels like I ought to be there. Heart wrenching. It's not really logistically possible, let alone financially, but it's an opportunity to get out there into the real world and I'm missing it. It still feels like those opportunities are few and far between; I'm a bit out on a limb up here, when it comes to socialising with the girls. But it's not all gloom, as some of my sisters are prepared to travel north to meet up, which makes me feel all warm and glowy inside. Pippa is coming over next week for a girly night in, this is a first for me, not the girly night in of course - I've been doing those most nights for over 10 years, but this is the first time I will have anyone to share it with. I'm really looking forward to it. We can try each other's favourite dresses on, I'll cook something lovely for her and have a nice bottle of chilled chardonnay ready and generally make a fuss over her. In return she can paint my nails (she likes doing that & I love having it done), and just be there for girly chat. Oh, she can take some pics too, self-timers are so uninspiring. Her pics are more interesting than mine, hopefully she'll have some suggestions for sultry poses. So this weekend I must tidy the house; it’s all a bit of a mess, mainly due to being part-way through decorating. New shoes and jars of white spirit with dirty paintbrushes are not a good mix. And I must de-clutter the "dressing room" which is still in the same state as I described it in one of my early blogs, ie cluttered. Can’t let my dear sister see the house in this state – what will she think of me? So I’m feeling a bit like Cinderella in her rags today, lots of housework to do, and can’t go to the ball. Never mind, next week I will feel like a real princess.
    Jul 02, 2004 499
  • 28 Jun 2004
    The Good Ship Lucy Sometimes you don't realise that change is needed until the change has already occurred. I've had one or two unexpected changes for the better in the past, as I've allowed myself to be washed along the stream of life, hitting the occasional rock and bouncing off in a different direction. It gives you a nasty knock but sometimes you end up in clearer water. It's the log-jams you've got to watch out for; unable to change direction because of the things you get caught up in as you meander downstream. Some people are fine with this; stuck in a rut to one person can mean being settled to another. Either way, if you're not in control of your own direction, watch out when you're headed for the waterfall. (I'm stealing song lines again, but I won't tell you who it is this time - answers on a postcard please). I'm still trying to work out a few manoeuvres, how to wriggle myself free from the big heavy logs either side of me. It will come. Past changes have been in circumstance only though , I've never really changed, not until now, not like this. Freedom of self-expression; it's a wonderful thing and we all need it, some realise this more than others. Self-expression has always been important to me, but this is different, big time (Peter Gabriel – there I go again). I always knew I would enjoy being out dressed, but never realised what a change it would make to my own view of myself, or how much that change was needed. Had I known, I would have done it a lot sooner. Makes me want to stop splashing about, midst the weeds and the sedge and the pond's muddy edge (Aristophanes; no-one will get that one), and build a ship and sail off into the sunset, rescuing survivors on the way. The good ship Lucy - may God bless her and all who sail in her. In short I feel it's about time I took more control over my own destiny. I'm not actually considering becoming a sailor. I can't help wondering how I've come this far with all my marbles intact, or most of them anyway. And why did I not realise that I needed to make some changes, needed to find some direction? Just too used to going with the flow I guess, and never having known any better. If you go through life without finding real satisfaction it will grind you down. It's an old cliché, but one that some people need to wake up to - life is what you make it. I now know that in order to change my life, I first had to change myself. Little things had been nudging me towards doing something about myself, even before I joined T-web. I heard a song called The Inner Child, not everyone's cup of tea but it blew me away, a haunting female voice that touched my soul; thing was I didn't know who it was by so I searched Google to find out. It was by Mike Oldfield, from Tubular Bells 3 by the way. I really should have spotted that distinctive guitar sound but it was quite hidden in the mix... Anyway, whilst searching I also discovered what the inner child actually means: as children we are aware of our needs and desires, as we grow we are conditioned to ignore them, or at least not place as much emphasis on them. Also as we grow we pick up emotional wounds, life is harsh, and we find ways of making our inner child stronger to cope with this rather than allow it to be beaten to death. By doing so we repress our true selves. We can help ourselves by healing our inner child, and getting back in touch with our needs, and consequently making more attempt to realise our desires. Because we don't stop having them, and we don't stop having a need for them to come into fruition, but we do stop trying to do anything about it, and it screws a lot of people up. I've always tried to treat myself to little luxuries now and then, but when I read about this I saw that something deeper was needed. So I asked myself what do I really desire, what has my inner child never got for Christmas, what part of me remains unfulfilled? It was obvious, I was a girl, and had never had chance to express that, as a child or an adult. If I had it was always alone, in my own private world, not very fulfilling. At that moment I discovered the answers to virtually all my personal problems, only I still didn't realise it. However it got me into the right frame of mind to start looking for more, still unsure of exactly what I was looking for. But I knew it was the transgendered side of me that needed to be dealt with, allowed to flourish, so I looked for websites in the hope that I would find some help with that. And here I am, you know the rest. I was going to say, and the rest is history, but it’s not over yet, I still have a long way to go. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say, the rest is history in the making.
    441 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • The Good Ship Lucy Sometimes you don't realise that change is needed until the change has already occurred. I've had one or two unexpected changes for the better in the past, as I've allowed myself to be washed along the stream of life, hitting the occasional rock and bouncing off in a different direction. It gives you a nasty knock but sometimes you end up in clearer water. It's the log-jams you've got to watch out for; unable to change direction because of the things you get caught up in as you meander downstream. Some people are fine with this; stuck in a rut to one person can mean being settled to another. Either way, if you're not in control of your own direction, watch out when you're headed for the waterfall. (I'm stealing song lines again, but I won't tell you who it is this time - answers on a postcard please). I'm still trying to work out a few manoeuvres, how to wriggle myself free from the big heavy logs either side of me. It will come. Past changes have been in circumstance only though , I've never really changed, not until now, not like this. Freedom of self-expression; it's a wonderful thing and we all need it, some realise this more than others. Self-expression has always been important to me, but this is different, big time (Peter Gabriel – there I go again). I always knew I would enjoy being out dressed, but never realised what a change it would make to my own view of myself, or how much that change was needed. Had I known, I would have done it a lot sooner. Makes me want to stop splashing about, midst the weeds and the sedge and the pond's muddy edge (Aristophanes; no-one will get that one), and build a ship and sail off into the sunset, rescuing survivors on the way. The good ship Lucy - may God bless her and all who sail in her. In short I feel it's about time I took more control over my own destiny. I'm not actually considering becoming a sailor. I can't help wondering how I've come this far with all my marbles intact, or most of them anyway. And why did I not realise that I needed to make some changes, needed to find some direction? Just too used to going with the flow I guess, and never having known any better. If you go through life without finding real satisfaction it will grind you down. It's an old cliché, but one that some people need to wake up to - life is what you make it. I now know that in order to change my life, I first had to change myself. Little things had been nudging me towards doing something about myself, even before I joined T-web. I heard a song called The Inner Child, not everyone's cup of tea but it blew me away, a haunting female voice that touched my soul; thing was I didn't know who it was by so I searched Google to find out. It was by Mike Oldfield, from Tubular Bells 3 by the way. I really should have spotted that distinctive guitar sound but it was quite hidden in the mix... Anyway, whilst searching I also discovered what the inner child actually means: as children we are aware of our needs and desires, as we grow we are conditioned to ignore them, or at least not place as much emphasis on them. Also as we grow we pick up emotional wounds, life is harsh, and we find ways of making our inner child stronger to cope with this rather than allow it to be beaten to death. By doing so we repress our true selves. We can help ourselves by healing our inner child, and getting back in touch with our needs, and consequently making more attempt to realise our desires. Because we don't stop having them, and we don't stop having a need for them to come into fruition, but we do stop trying to do anything about it, and it screws a lot of people up. I've always tried to treat myself to little luxuries now and then, but when I read about this I saw that something deeper was needed. So I asked myself what do I really desire, what has my inner child never got for Christmas, what part of me remains unfulfilled? It was obvious, I was a girl, and had never had chance to express that, as a child or an adult. If I had it was always alone, in my own private world, not very fulfilling. At that moment I discovered the answers to virtually all my personal problems, only I still didn't realise it. However it got me into the right frame of mind to start looking for more, still unsure of exactly what I was looking for. But I knew it was the transgendered side of me that needed to be dealt with, allowed to flourish, so I looked for websites in the hope that I would find some help with that. And here I am, you know the rest. I was going to say, and the rest is history, but it’s not over yet, I still have a long way to go. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say, the rest is history in the making.
    Jun 28, 2004 441
  • 23 Jun 2004
    Some names have been changed to protect identity Regular readers to this column will know that outside T-web I have only one friend (Paul) who knows how I really am. Or at least so I thought. Recently he told me that he’d told someone else (William) about me when I’d first told him. This was many years ago and I did actually say at the time that I wouldn’t mind if this person knew. He’s a mutual friend of ours, a little older and wiser, and also gay. William helped Paul a lot when he came out so obviously they’re very close. I don’t see William very often now but I’ve known him a long time and he’s one of those people with whom I have a special bond, he’s very lovely, and you couldn’t help but like him. Anyway Paul asked me to email some pics to William, I know what you’re thinking, gay blokes emailing pics to each other… no it was nothing like that, something to do with antiques in fact. Anyway I thought it was about time I spoke up so I’ve just written him a letter, to accompany the pics. It’ll be the first time he’ll have heard me refer to myself as Lucy, in fact I’m not sure if he knows my real name, and I just wanted to explain briefly where I was coming from. Even Paul is only just finding out some things about me, things that I knew but found difficult to put into words. And even I have found a few keys recently which have unlocked secret compartments in my soul which I never even knew were there. It’s a voyage of discovery alright. Anyway the point is, if people know about me I want them to know the facts, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. "He’s a cross-dresser" is simply not sufficient, and could mean any number of things, and I’m not even sure exactly how Paul has explained it to William, but I’m sure he wouldn’t have been able to have been as thorough as I am. I tried not to waffle on too much in the letter, as I’m inclined to do; a brief précis of my life in two paragraphs, but I think I got the main points across. I was recently told that writing unsent letters, as I have done to my family in the past, is actually a form of therapy, and I can see why – I’ve tried to explain that myself; it’s all down to my favourite word – catharsis. But writing letters that people are going to read and you can discuss afterwards is even better. There are a lot of girls here who have told close friends and felt a sense of relief. I was never aware of being troubled by it, but keeping something like this to yourself, not being able to talk about it, can’t be good for you. I felt better having told Paul, but in recent years I’ve not had much to say on the subject, until I joined this site and started going out of course, now he can’t shut me up. I’m glad someone else knows now, which is why I started on the subject; someone else I can open up to. Openness is a need which perhaps we all have, but which has been made greater in myself by bottling things up for so long. Like a bottle of fizzy drink that’s been rolling around the floor for ages and just wants to burst open, and probably have a splash of vodka added for good measure. The unsent letter which I will be sending at lunchtime was good to write, very therapeutic. In much the same way as this blog is for me. But my blog is made all the more special by the people who are reading it. Thanks for letting me share it with you, and thanks for being special, and for just being there. xx
    427 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Some names have been changed to protect identity Regular readers to this column will know that outside T-web I have only one friend (Paul) who knows how I really am. Or at least so I thought. Recently he told me that he’d told someone else (William) about me when I’d first told him. This was many years ago and I did actually say at the time that I wouldn’t mind if this person knew. He’s a mutual friend of ours, a little older and wiser, and also gay. William helped Paul a lot when he came out so obviously they’re very close. I don’t see William very often now but I’ve known him a long time and he’s one of those people with whom I have a special bond, he’s very lovely, and you couldn’t help but like him. Anyway Paul asked me to email some pics to William, I know what you’re thinking, gay blokes emailing pics to each other… no it was nothing like that, something to do with antiques in fact. Anyway I thought it was about time I spoke up so I’ve just written him a letter, to accompany the pics. It’ll be the first time he’ll have heard me refer to myself as Lucy, in fact I’m not sure if he knows my real name, and I just wanted to explain briefly where I was coming from. Even Paul is only just finding out some things about me, things that I knew but found difficult to put into words. And even I have found a few keys recently which have unlocked secret compartments in my soul which I never even knew were there. It’s a voyage of discovery alright. Anyway the point is, if people know about me I want them to know the facts, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. "He’s a cross-dresser" is simply not sufficient, and could mean any number of things, and I’m not even sure exactly how Paul has explained it to William, but I’m sure he wouldn’t have been able to have been as thorough as I am. I tried not to waffle on too much in the letter, as I’m inclined to do; a brief précis of my life in two paragraphs, but I think I got the main points across. I was recently told that writing unsent letters, as I have done to my family in the past, is actually a form of therapy, and I can see why – I’ve tried to explain that myself; it’s all down to my favourite word – catharsis. But writing letters that people are going to read and you can discuss afterwards is even better. There are a lot of girls here who have told close friends and felt a sense of relief. I was never aware of being troubled by it, but keeping something like this to yourself, not being able to talk about it, can’t be good for you. I felt better having told Paul, but in recent years I’ve not had much to say on the subject, until I joined this site and started going out of course, now he can’t shut me up. I’m glad someone else knows now, which is why I started on the subject; someone else I can open up to. Openness is a need which perhaps we all have, but which has been made greater in myself by bottling things up for so long. Like a bottle of fizzy drink that’s been rolling around the floor for ages and just wants to burst open, and probably have a splash of vodka added for good measure. The unsent letter which I will be sending at lunchtime was good to write, very therapeutic. In much the same way as this blog is for me. But my blog is made all the more special by the people who are reading it. Thanks for letting me share it with you, and thanks for being special, and for just being there. xx
    Jun 23, 2004 427
  • 22 Jun 2004
    Breaking barriers I got 3 pairs of new shoes last night! I'd hoped they would arrive last week in time for Tm as I could have done with some dancing shoes, but never mind, my old pair held out. Mind you I'm having to send one lot of shoes back as they sent me two left feet, are they trying to tell me something? Anyway apart from that minor detail the shoes from Additions are really nice and fit very well. Got a little summer dress too which I love, I'll definitely use that site again. Not sure when I'll get chance to go out in my new shoes though, the next Tm is certainly unlikely, but I'm going to have to get back down to London soon. In the meantime I'm hoping to arrange a few meetings with some of my girlfriends for dinner, shopping, maybe a trip to the birdcage; things that don't involve large amounts of vodka surprisingly. I was a bit scared of shopping a few weeks ago, but now I really fancy it. I know there'll be funny looks and I used to think that would bother me, but now I know it doesn't. I have a right to go shopping where and how I please and people need to see that. Saturday night was wild, and we all had a whale of a time, but I do also want to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, and do things that are a bit more serene. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm out feeling at ease with myself I'll be happy. I've lived most of my life being a bit shy of people, strangers at least; I usually feel comfortable with people I know. As I mentioned yesterday, now that Lucy is getting the chance to interact with people she is discovering what she's really like. Not as outgoing as some, but not at all afraid of other people. I've felt that difference every time I've been out so I know it's not just the vodka talking. I find I have to restrain myself from saying hello to everyone in the street actually, just because I feel so happy. No such restraints on Saturday though, it was lovely to feel comfortable approaching complete strangers and talking to them, something I never would have dreamt of in the past. But I'm just being friendly, and everyone I spoke to was friendly in return. After we left the club we all went back to the hotel bar to wind down with er, more vodka. Pippa and I were followed into the ladies' by an admirer, the lights weren't working in there and he offered to come into the cubicle with us. Just so you know, I'm not that friendly or comfortable with strangers. We went elsewhere, and he took the hint. As daybreak approached the T-web girls began to disperse, but I was there, I was dressed, and I wasn't going anywhere. Jules and I went for a brief walk outside then even she went to bed - no stamina these southerners, so I was the last of us girls still on my feet, but still plenty of other people in the bar. I talked to another admirer for quite some time, he seemed nice, gave me a kiss, kept asking for my room number, but he wasn't my type so he wasn't getting it. I noticed after a while that there were only 3 other T-girls left in the room, I had no idea what time it was but the broad daylight outside gave me a bit of a clue. So I thought I'd just say hello to them and toddle off to bed. They were with a gg, though apparently none of them knew her, when she saw me she stared at me in disbelief and said, "Leanne! Oh my God". Or words to that effect, she was clearly a little tipsy (yes ok so was I) so I thought she'd just mistaken me for someone else, "No I'm Lucy" I said, smiling sweetly, but she explained that she thought I looked just like Leanne Battersby from Coronation Street. I'm not entirely sure whether to take that as a compliment, or even where she got the similarity from, but it got us talking, she even gave me lots of kisses, and the other three T-girls got some too, she obviously liked our type. That was lovely - to meet a female admirer, proof that they do exist. There were actually lots of gg's in the club, and I talked to a few there too, but they were all in groups, so not as forward, perhaps because they were with their mates, or maybe just there because they were curious, or maybe just not pissed enough. Obviously there is still a bit of a stigma attached to men in dresses, but that was one of the great things about the whole night - all those barriers disappeared. With several hundred T-girls in the room, it's not so surprising is it?
    434 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Breaking barriers I got 3 pairs of new shoes last night! I'd hoped they would arrive last week in time for Tm as I could have done with some dancing shoes, but never mind, my old pair held out. Mind you I'm having to send one lot of shoes back as they sent me two left feet, are they trying to tell me something? Anyway apart from that minor detail the shoes from Additions are really nice and fit very well. Got a little summer dress too which I love, I'll definitely use that site again. Not sure when I'll get chance to go out in my new shoes though, the next Tm is certainly unlikely, but I'm going to have to get back down to London soon. In the meantime I'm hoping to arrange a few meetings with some of my girlfriends for dinner, shopping, maybe a trip to the birdcage; things that don't involve large amounts of vodka surprisingly. I was a bit scared of shopping a few weeks ago, but now I really fancy it. I know there'll be funny looks and I used to think that would bother me, but now I know it doesn't. I have a right to go shopping where and how I please and people need to see that. Saturday night was wild, and we all had a whale of a time, but I do also want to enjoy the simple pleasures in life, and do things that are a bit more serene. It doesn't really matter what I'm doing, as long as I'm out feeling at ease with myself I'll be happy. I've lived most of my life being a bit shy of people, strangers at least; I usually feel comfortable with people I know. As I mentioned yesterday, now that Lucy is getting the chance to interact with people she is discovering what she's really like. Not as outgoing as some, but not at all afraid of other people. I've felt that difference every time I've been out so I know it's not just the vodka talking. I find I have to restrain myself from saying hello to everyone in the street actually, just because I feel so happy. No such restraints on Saturday though, it was lovely to feel comfortable approaching complete strangers and talking to them, something I never would have dreamt of in the past. But I'm just being friendly, and everyone I spoke to was friendly in return. After we left the club we all went back to the hotel bar to wind down with er, more vodka. Pippa and I were followed into the ladies' by an admirer, the lights weren't working in there and he offered to come into the cubicle with us. Just so you know, I'm not that friendly or comfortable with strangers. We went elsewhere, and he took the hint. As daybreak approached the T-web girls began to disperse, but I was there, I was dressed, and I wasn't going anywhere. Jules and I went for a brief walk outside then even she went to bed - no stamina these southerners, so I was the last of us girls still on my feet, but still plenty of other people in the bar. I talked to another admirer for quite some time, he seemed nice, gave me a kiss, kept asking for my room number, but he wasn't my type so he wasn't getting it. I noticed after a while that there were only 3 other T-girls left in the room, I had no idea what time it was but the broad daylight outside gave me a bit of a clue. So I thought I'd just say hello to them and toddle off to bed. They were with a gg, though apparently none of them knew her, when she saw me she stared at me in disbelief and said, "Leanne! Oh my God". Or words to that effect, she was clearly a little tipsy (yes ok so was I) so I thought she'd just mistaken me for someone else, "No I'm Lucy" I said, smiling sweetly, but she explained that she thought I looked just like Leanne Battersby from Coronation Street. I'm not entirely sure whether to take that as a compliment, or even where she got the similarity from, but it got us talking, she even gave me lots of kisses, and the other three T-girls got some too, she obviously liked our type. That was lovely - to meet a female admirer, proof that they do exist. There were actually lots of gg's in the club, and I talked to a few there too, but they were all in groups, so not as forward, perhaps because they were with their mates, or maybe just there because they were curious, or maybe just not pissed enough. Obviously there is still a bit of a stigma attached to men in dresses, but that was one of the great things about the whole night - all those barriers disappeared. With several hundred T-girls in the room, it's not so surprising is it?
    Jun 22, 2004 434
  • 21 Jun 2004
    Sisters, daughters, and one big happy family I loved Saturday night, from start to finish. Trans-mission in Manchester was packed, even more people than there were at the London event 2 weeks ago. It's so great to walk into a room full of girls who all have something very important in common, they all seem like your friends and you instantly feel at home. I didn't have to wait until we got to the club for that though; we went for a drink in the hotel bar beforehand and the place had been taken over by T-girls. Lovely. There were 10 T-web members there so we made quite an impact. Four of the girls I'd met before, and I want to take this opportunity to say that I really love those girls now. They are all so supportive and such fun to be with; it means a lot to me to have friends like that. I've been on my own with this thing all my life, dressing on my own, no-one to share it with, no-one to go out with, no-one to see the inner me. In that sense I'm still discovering myself. I've always put on a pretence, and I've never had the chance to interact with people when I'm feeling, whole, happy, and just plain me. It doesn't seem to have any difficulty getting out though, the real me, just seems natural, but it is kind of like there's a whole new person inside of me that's always been there but has never had chance to speak. Or laugh or dance or flirt or do the things that Lucy does. I'm going to have to be careful though that I don't get a bad reputation; Jules thinks there should be a new dictionary definition of the word Lucy, I can see it now:- Lucy (n.) A flirtatious woman, a tart. (To do a Lucy: To behave in a flirtatious manner). Yeah all right Ju Ju fair comment. Truth is Lucy just wants to have fun and be friendly and playful, and is a very tactile person. She certainly doesn't mean anyone any harm, and she does have a serious side, though after half a bottle of vodka you're not likely to see much of that. (I ought to have stopped after half a bottle but, well, lets just call it letting my hair down ok?) The dancing was good, the music they played was generally more familiar to me than last time so I didn't need to be dragged onto the dance floor, and like any girl I love expressing myself in that way. They even played some Abba! I always wanted to be Agnetha, but I've now decided that perhaps the blue eyeshadow doesn't quite suit me after all. I need to experiment with the make-up though, and get some more practice. Pippa and I treated ourselves to a makeover with Sammy, who came to our room to do it, and then Pippa painted my nails. How lovely to be pampered like that; how wonderful I remarked, to be able to share in our girlyness, such a contrast to what we'd had to put up with in our previous lives, when we felt we had to be cool, stand-offish, and do stupid things like play rugby at school. Though in the sixth-form we did have the option of playing hockey, I even got into the school team (not because I was good, but because there weren't many lads who would dare to do something so non-macho), I played right-wing, same as my mum had done in her school team. When she told me that I got an incredible warm feeling inside, to be following in my mother's footsteps, it seemed to mean something, though it wasn't the only thing we already had in common; she was an actress, and I did 10 years of youth theatre. With one or two remarkable achievements, if I may say so myself. I always identified with my mum, and was never as close to my dad. I used to sit and watch her cook, which has certainly helped me now I live on my own, and was amazed at her patience doing baskets full of ironing. I tell her I hate ironing, which is true unless I'm doing skirts or dresses, then I love it. I'd like to be able to tell her that one day, and show her how much she means to me in more ways than she realises. I want her to know that I'm not a boring bloke who does nothing at weekends, and show her that I do have things to talk about, news to share, and the odd bit of juicy gossip. I'd like her to meet Lucy and get to know the real me, and see that I'm even more lovely than she thought, for I always feel that I'm holding back, even though we do get on great and always have a good natter. I know if I did it would be a shock, she'd probably be upset, think she'd failed me, but of course that's not the case, she's been a perfect mother. Just wish I could be the perfect daughter, if a little naughty at times. I seem to have digressed from Trans-mission night, maybe I'll give you more details tomorrow or maybe I'll decide that you don't want to know. Actually I wasn't that bad, not at all, and at least I can remember it all this time. At least I hope no-one's going to remind me of any terribly embarrassing things I might have got up to. One thing's for sure - it was fun!
    422 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Sisters, daughters, and one big happy family I loved Saturday night, from start to finish. Trans-mission in Manchester was packed, even more people than there were at the London event 2 weeks ago. It's so great to walk into a room full of girls who all have something very important in common, they all seem like your friends and you instantly feel at home. I didn't have to wait until we got to the club for that though; we went for a drink in the hotel bar beforehand and the place had been taken over by T-girls. Lovely. There were 10 T-web members there so we made quite an impact. Four of the girls I'd met before, and I want to take this opportunity to say that I really love those girls now. They are all so supportive and such fun to be with; it means a lot to me to have friends like that. I've been on my own with this thing all my life, dressing on my own, no-one to share it with, no-one to go out with, no-one to see the inner me. In that sense I'm still discovering myself. I've always put on a pretence, and I've never had the chance to interact with people when I'm feeling, whole, happy, and just plain me. It doesn't seem to have any difficulty getting out though, the real me, just seems natural, but it is kind of like there's a whole new person inside of me that's always been there but has never had chance to speak. Or laugh or dance or flirt or do the things that Lucy does. I'm going to have to be careful though that I don't get a bad reputation; Jules thinks there should be a new dictionary definition of the word Lucy, I can see it now:- Lucy (n.) A flirtatious woman, a tart. (To do a Lucy: To behave in a flirtatious manner). Yeah all right Ju Ju fair comment. Truth is Lucy just wants to have fun and be friendly and playful, and is a very tactile person. She certainly doesn't mean anyone any harm, and she does have a serious side, though after half a bottle of vodka you're not likely to see much of that. (I ought to have stopped after half a bottle but, well, lets just call it letting my hair down ok?) The dancing was good, the music they played was generally more familiar to me than last time so I didn't need to be dragged onto the dance floor, and like any girl I love expressing myself in that way. They even played some Abba! I always wanted to be Agnetha, but I've now decided that perhaps the blue eyeshadow doesn't quite suit me after all. I need to experiment with the make-up though, and get some more practice. Pippa and I treated ourselves to a makeover with Sammy, who came to our room to do it, and then Pippa painted my nails. How lovely to be pampered like that; how wonderful I remarked, to be able to share in our girlyness, such a contrast to what we'd had to put up with in our previous lives, when we felt we had to be cool, stand-offish, and do stupid things like play rugby at school. Though in the sixth-form we did have the option of playing hockey, I even got into the school team (not because I was good, but because there weren't many lads who would dare to do something so non-macho), I played right-wing, same as my mum had done in her school team. When she told me that I got an incredible warm feeling inside, to be following in my mother's footsteps, it seemed to mean something, though it wasn't the only thing we already had in common; she was an actress, and I did 10 years of youth theatre. With one or two remarkable achievements, if I may say so myself. I always identified with my mum, and was never as close to my dad. I used to sit and watch her cook, which has certainly helped me now I live on my own, and was amazed at her patience doing baskets full of ironing. I tell her I hate ironing, which is true unless I'm doing skirts or dresses, then I love it. I'd like to be able to tell her that one day, and show her how much she means to me in more ways than she realises. I want her to know that I'm not a boring bloke who does nothing at weekends, and show her that I do have things to talk about, news to share, and the odd bit of juicy gossip. I'd like her to meet Lucy and get to know the real me, and see that I'm even more lovely than she thought, for I always feel that I'm holding back, even though we do get on great and always have a good natter. I know if I did it would be a shock, she'd probably be upset, think she'd failed me, but of course that's not the case, she's been a perfect mother. Just wish I could be the perfect daughter, if a little naughty at times. I seem to have digressed from Trans-mission night, maybe I'll give you more details tomorrow or maybe I'll decide that you don't want to know. Actually I wasn't that bad, not at all, and at least I can remember it all this time. At least I hope no-one's going to remind me of any terribly embarrassing things I might have got up to. One thing's for sure - it was fun!
    Jun 21, 2004 422
  • 16 Jun 2004
    Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart At work again. Just dealt with a man who all the time looked to one side of me, and paused 10 seconds before each sentence, which seemed like an eternity, and was slightly unnerving. You do meet some strange people in this place, well, look at me. No, I'm normal, as far as I'm concerned. Normality is a subject that I've seen brought up in the chatroom a few times, interesting to see different views on the subject, such as: I'm normal everyone else is weird, it's all relative, no-one is normal there is no such thing, surely I can't be normal doing this, and so on. I think there's an element of truth in all the examples above, except perhaps for the last one, which I'm inclined to dispute. Doing what I do feels perfectly normal to me, probably because I've always done it and it stems from feelings I've had all my life. Other people might see it as slightly unusual, but that's simply their lack of understanding. There can be nothing wrong with wanting to express oneself outwardly the way one actually feels on the inside. Which is what we're all doing, in our own different ways. By different I mean for example, the difference between a liking for thigh length PVC boots or dainty little court shoes, a recent subject of mine which has provoked some debate; ladies and their shoes - it's inevitable I guess. My thoughts are meandering again, but I can see a short-cut from the point about outward expression, to the subject of SRS. It's something that's always been on my mind, and is not going to go away. When you feel like a woman inside the desire to express yourself as such, is overwhelming, in my case essential to my survival. The self-destructive streak I used to have seems to have disappeared entirely now, so I firmly believe that coming to this site has helped to save my life. This makes me look at the question of SRS with a slightly different perspective. I do want to be a woman, I always have done, I always felt I was born with the wrong body, and therefore I always thought I had a difficult problem with a very difficult solution. Lounging about at home in comfortable clothes is one thing, but getting out and expressing myself properly, in public, is a whole new ball game. Bad choice of metaphor perhaps. It leaves me wondering whether I can actually be totally fulfilled living this way. I've always plodded along in life, gone with the flow, but I've had enough of that, I want life to be wonderful, satisfying, and as perfect as possible. I guess I always thought I could never be fulfilled unless I was a woman, but I'm so happy at the moment I wonder if any extreme surgical procedures are actually needed. I haven't decided yet, I always thought full SRS would be the ideal solution, but I've found an incredible happiness just by venturing out. I suspect this is only a temporary solution though and it feels so good because it's so much more than I've ever done before, in terms of expressing my true self. A lot of people have suggested to me that I'm only going to want more of this. I know they're right. Once or twice a month is not going to be enough, even if I could find somewhere to get out every weekend I'm not sure if that would be either. I'm sounding greedy I know, lots of girls find very few possibilities to get out, some not at all, and I sympathise, empathise in fact because I know what it's like to not even get the chance to dress, I lived like that for years, but never again. I feel restless at work, I always have because I hate the bloody job, but even my attitude towards that improved with my new-found self-awareness. The restlessness now is different. I simply don't want to have to put up this pretence any more, not that I ever did, but whilst I feel better within myself, I know how much better things can be, and I resent having to spend over 40 hours a week living a drab existence in more ways than one. But we all gotta work. (I was talking to my American friend Wendy about picking up accents, and there you see Wendy - look how bad my English is getting just from talking to you!) I can't imagine anywhere in this town that would accept me as a "female" employee, and of course I'd have to find the strength to come out first, but I haven't gained that much strength yet, and I'm still not sure how I'm going to find it. This always brings me back to the same thing, maybe I should move away. If that sounds like I'd be running away, then maybe, but I'd be running away from some of the obstructions that are preventing me from living my life as I've always seen it. I wouldn't expect to leave all my troubles behind of course as I'd have a whole new set of challenges to face. But I can't deny that the biggest obstruction between my current situation and coming out, SRS or wherever I'm headed is actually, me. At some point I will have to make a move, mentally or physically, in order to progress. Since I obviously like metaphors:- I'm heading out on a long journey, I've finally set off, and each of my times out dressed will be like a stop-off at a service station, in order to fill up with enough fuel to reach my destination, wherever that may be. At least I have a vague idea, and am no longer running in circles, chasing tails. Bit of Coldplay crept in there, and as that song quite rightly points out, nobody said it was easy.
    430 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart At work again. Just dealt with a man who all the time looked to one side of me, and paused 10 seconds before each sentence, which seemed like an eternity, and was slightly unnerving. You do meet some strange people in this place, well, look at me. No, I'm normal, as far as I'm concerned. Normality is a subject that I've seen brought up in the chatroom a few times, interesting to see different views on the subject, such as: I'm normal everyone else is weird, it's all relative, no-one is normal there is no such thing, surely I can't be normal doing this, and so on. I think there's an element of truth in all the examples above, except perhaps for the last one, which I'm inclined to dispute. Doing what I do feels perfectly normal to me, probably because I've always done it and it stems from feelings I've had all my life. Other people might see it as slightly unusual, but that's simply their lack of understanding. There can be nothing wrong with wanting to express oneself outwardly the way one actually feels on the inside. Which is what we're all doing, in our own different ways. By different I mean for example, the difference between a liking for thigh length PVC boots or dainty little court shoes, a recent subject of mine which has provoked some debate; ladies and their shoes - it's inevitable I guess. My thoughts are meandering again, but I can see a short-cut from the point about outward expression, to the subject of SRS. It's something that's always been on my mind, and is not going to go away. When you feel like a woman inside the desire to express yourself as such, is overwhelming, in my case essential to my survival. The self-destructive streak I used to have seems to have disappeared entirely now, so I firmly believe that coming to this site has helped to save my life. This makes me look at the question of SRS with a slightly different perspective. I do want to be a woman, I always have done, I always felt I was born with the wrong body, and therefore I always thought I had a difficult problem with a very difficult solution. Lounging about at home in comfortable clothes is one thing, but getting out and expressing myself properly, in public, is a whole new ball game. Bad choice of metaphor perhaps. It leaves me wondering whether I can actually be totally fulfilled living this way. I've always plodded along in life, gone with the flow, but I've had enough of that, I want life to be wonderful, satisfying, and as perfect as possible. I guess I always thought I could never be fulfilled unless I was a woman, but I'm so happy at the moment I wonder if any extreme surgical procedures are actually needed. I haven't decided yet, I always thought full SRS would be the ideal solution, but I've found an incredible happiness just by venturing out. I suspect this is only a temporary solution though and it feels so good because it's so much more than I've ever done before, in terms of expressing my true self. A lot of people have suggested to me that I'm only going to want more of this. I know they're right. Once or twice a month is not going to be enough, even if I could find somewhere to get out every weekend I'm not sure if that would be either. I'm sounding greedy I know, lots of girls find very few possibilities to get out, some not at all, and I sympathise, empathise in fact because I know what it's like to not even get the chance to dress, I lived like that for years, but never again. I feel restless at work, I always have because I hate the bloody job, but even my attitude towards that improved with my new-found self-awareness. The restlessness now is different. I simply don't want to have to put up this pretence any more, not that I ever did, but whilst I feel better within myself, I know how much better things can be, and I resent having to spend over 40 hours a week living a drab existence in more ways than one. But we all gotta work. (I was talking to my American friend Wendy about picking up accents, and there you see Wendy - look how bad my English is getting just from talking to you!) I can't imagine anywhere in this town that would accept me as a "female" employee, and of course I'd have to find the strength to come out first, but I haven't gained that much strength yet, and I'm still not sure how I'm going to find it. This always brings me back to the same thing, maybe I should move away. If that sounds like I'd be running away, then maybe, but I'd be running away from some of the obstructions that are preventing me from living my life as I've always seen it. I wouldn't expect to leave all my troubles behind of course as I'd have a whole new set of challenges to face. But I can't deny that the biggest obstruction between my current situation and coming out, SRS or wherever I'm headed is actually, me. At some point I will have to make a move, mentally or physically, in order to progress. Since I obviously like metaphors:- I'm heading out on a long journey, I've finally set off, and each of my times out dressed will be like a stop-off at a service station, in order to fill up with enough fuel to reach my destination, wherever that may be. At least I have a vague idea, and am no longer running in circles, chasing tails. Bit of Coldplay crept in there, and as that song quite rightly points out, nobody said it was easy.
    Jun 16, 2004 430