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Lucy Diamond 's Entries

204 blogs
  • 15 Jun 2004
    Two feet firmly on the pavement Trans-mission approaches once more, seems like only 10 minutes since the last one. Well, 10 days to be precise. Just in case anyone out there doesn’t know, Trans-mission is a once monthly club event held in London, organized especially for girls like us. Isn’t that lovely? I went to the last one and it certainly was. It was my first time, so I was a Tm virgin, but they were gentle with me. The next one is a special event though to celebrate their second birthday, and this one’s in Manchester. It may be a few months before I can afford to go to London again but there’s no way I would miss this, it being a lot closer to home; I won’t even need to take time off work – something else that restricts my social activities. Fortunately I’m allowed to use my holidays pretty much as and when I please so I can take odd days off here and there, which allows me to get away for long weekends for events such as Tm. I can’t see myself ever taking a proper holiday again. Though one thing I’d quite like to do is get away for a week abroad, somewhere I can dress all the time. I haven’t found anywhere suitable yet but it’s just a thought for the future. In the last few weeks I’ve met several girls new to the site, who I can tell really want to get out for the first time, but maybe feel they are not quite ready. I’ve been trying to encourage them because I know what a big, big difference it’s going to make to them, and how much they’ll enjoy it. It can seem a little daunting to make that first step, the fear of the unknown, fear of ridicule, I remember how I felt before the first time, just a little bit nervous because I fear the unknown as much as anyone. Or used to. I don’t think I do so much these days. Of course going out is no longer "the unknown" to me, and at the time I just knew I had to get out so nothing was going to stop me. It was quite simply the best thing I ever did, and set off a reaction in me that has caused changes in myself which I never expected, perhaps never dreamed possible. Nobody ever told me that would happen, maybe it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it was a nice surprise to say the least. Well that’s a ridiculous understatement actually; it has changed the way I feel about myself, and therefore changed my life. I’ve found fulfillment within myself, rather than from external influences, an inner happiness that I’ve never had before; being in love has made me happy in the past, but not being myself. No-one can take that away from me, it’s here to stay, I’m sure. Of course bad things will happen, they always do. I am still liable to get upset, angry, frustrated, but probably not with myself, in the way I used to. All this gives me a burning desire to help others, maybe to find the same thing, but at least to get out and about, feeling as good as I do when I’m out dressed. Fear of ridicule was a big thing to me too, always has been. It’s something that has contributed to me being so quiet. I’ve found myself talking to people too quietly in the past, because I don’t actually want them to hear what I’m saying, which is stupid I know, but creates a vicious circle – if you don’t want them to hear you, why say anything at all? Fear of ridicule perhaps comes from fear of inadequacy, or at least lack of self-confidence, but wherever it comes from I can understand people worrying about it as I did. I thought I would hate it, feel awful if people stared, gave me nasty looks, laughed, made derogatory comments; surprisingly that was not the case. Some people are bound to look at you, they are naturally curious and I’d look too (but hey, I have a professional interest); something else that surprised me – I enjoyed this. Also more people than you think will not take a blind bit of notice, and I enjoyed that too; it’s nice both to be noticed and to go unnoticed. Even if people do look at me strangely, or say nasty things (that hasn’t happened yet, but I’m prepared), I don’t mind because they are seeing the person I really am, this is what makes me happy, and people like us do actually exist in the world. The more people that see that the better. Society’s rather poor attitude towards us in general is caused largely by its fear of the unknown; men in dresses - ooh scary? To be honest, I think that most individuals really do not have a problem with us, certainly in my experience that seems to be the case, and to have people want to talk you, to be genuinely interested, or just be polite is, well, awesome. The girls who’ve never been out will probably be thinking as I did that everyone is going to point at them and generally be non-accepting. Not so girls, prepare to be reassured in humanity, but don’t bother about the few who are ignorant if you do come across any. I just smile at them, they can’t help it poor souls, conditioned by society’s emphasis on conformation, which is gradually improving all the time. I don’t wish to appear naïve at this point, I know some girls have had bad experiences when they’ve been out, but I’ve always been good at avoiding trouble, I’m very diplomatic, and there really is no point worrying about what might happen. Best to be sensible though, I wouldn’t recommend going to a football match for example, or my local Indian restaurant on a Saturday night which is always full of drunken rugby players. Bad enough going out in drab there to be honest. Maybe a long-haired musician is an easy target for their beer-fuelled bravado, and maybe their little minds would not know quite how to deal with Lucy, but I think she could handle them. Actually come to think of it, I’d love to try that some time, would be fun! There used to be a shy, quiet guy sat in the corner of our local Indian restaurant, hoping that no-one would even look at him let alone poke fun, but now there would be a much more confident woman, unafraid of what anyone was going to say to her, and ready to take on the world. You see how much I’ve changed? And all it took was 2 steps onto the pavement.
    456 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Two feet firmly on the pavement Trans-mission approaches once more, seems like only 10 minutes since the last one. Well, 10 days to be precise. Just in case anyone out there doesn’t know, Trans-mission is a once monthly club event held in London, organized especially for girls like us. Isn’t that lovely? I went to the last one and it certainly was. It was my first time, so I was a Tm virgin, but they were gentle with me. The next one is a special event though to celebrate their second birthday, and this one’s in Manchester. It may be a few months before I can afford to go to London again but there’s no way I would miss this, it being a lot closer to home; I won’t even need to take time off work – something else that restricts my social activities. Fortunately I’m allowed to use my holidays pretty much as and when I please so I can take odd days off here and there, which allows me to get away for long weekends for events such as Tm. I can’t see myself ever taking a proper holiday again. Though one thing I’d quite like to do is get away for a week abroad, somewhere I can dress all the time. I haven’t found anywhere suitable yet but it’s just a thought for the future. In the last few weeks I’ve met several girls new to the site, who I can tell really want to get out for the first time, but maybe feel they are not quite ready. I’ve been trying to encourage them because I know what a big, big difference it’s going to make to them, and how much they’ll enjoy it. It can seem a little daunting to make that first step, the fear of the unknown, fear of ridicule, I remember how I felt before the first time, just a little bit nervous because I fear the unknown as much as anyone. Or used to. I don’t think I do so much these days. Of course going out is no longer "the unknown" to me, and at the time I just knew I had to get out so nothing was going to stop me. It was quite simply the best thing I ever did, and set off a reaction in me that has caused changes in myself which I never expected, perhaps never dreamed possible. Nobody ever told me that would happen, maybe it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it was a nice surprise to say the least. Well that’s a ridiculous understatement actually; it has changed the way I feel about myself, and therefore changed my life. I’ve found fulfillment within myself, rather than from external influences, an inner happiness that I’ve never had before; being in love has made me happy in the past, but not being myself. No-one can take that away from me, it’s here to stay, I’m sure. Of course bad things will happen, they always do. I am still liable to get upset, angry, frustrated, but probably not with myself, in the way I used to. All this gives me a burning desire to help others, maybe to find the same thing, but at least to get out and about, feeling as good as I do when I’m out dressed. Fear of ridicule was a big thing to me too, always has been. It’s something that has contributed to me being so quiet. I’ve found myself talking to people too quietly in the past, because I don’t actually want them to hear what I’m saying, which is stupid I know, but creates a vicious circle – if you don’t want them to hear you, why say anything at all? Fear of ridicule perhaps comes from fear of inadequacy, or at least lack of self-confidence, but wherever it comes from I can understand people worrying about it as I did. I thought I would hate it, feel awful if people stared, gave me nasty looks, laughed, made derogatory comments; surprisingly that was not the case. Some people are bound to look at you, they are naturally curious and I’d look too (but hey, I have a professional interest); something else that surprised me – I enjoyed this. Also more people than you think will not take a blind bit of notice, and I enjoyed that too; it’s nice both to be noticed and to go unnoticed. Even if people do look at me strangely, or say nasty things (that hasn’t happened yet, but I’m prepared), I don’t mind because they are seeing the person I really am, this is what makes me happy, and people like us do actually exist in the world. The more people that see that the better. Society’s rather poor attitude towards us in general is caused largely by its fear of the unknown; men in dresses - ooh scary? To be honest, I think that most individuals really do not have a problem with us, certainly in my experience that seems to be the case, and to have people want to talk you, to be genuinely interested, or just be polite is, well, awesome. The girls who’ve never been out will probably be thinking as I did that everyone is going to point at them and generally be non-accepting. Not so girls, prepare to be reassured in humanity, but don’t bother about the few who are ignorant if you do come across any. I just smile at them, they can’t help it poor souls, conditioned by society’s emphasis on conformation, which is gradually improving all the time. I don’t wish to appear naïve at this point, I know some girls have had bad experiences when they’ve been out, but I’ve always been good at avoiding trouble, I’m very diplomatic, and there really is no point worrying about what might happen. Best to be sensible though, I wouldn’t recommend going to a football match for example, or my local Indian restaurant on a Saturday night which is always full of drunken rugby players. Bad enough going out in drab there to be honest. Maybe a long-haired musician is an easy target for their beer-fuelled bravado, and maybe their little minds would not know quite how to deal with Lucy, but I think she could handle them. Actually come to think of it, I’d love to try that some time, would be fun! There used to be a shy, quiet guy sat in the corner of our local Indian restaurant, hoping that no-one would even look at him let alone poke fun, but now there would be a much more confident woman, unafraid of what anyone was going to say to her, and ready to take on the world. You see how much I’ve changed? And all it took was 2 steps onto the pavement.
    Jun 15, 2004 456
  • 11 Jun 2004
    A step in the right direction Virtually every day at work it seems to get to a certain time in the morning when there is a quiet lull, my mind becomes free to think about the more meaningful things in my life, and I have an overwhelming desire to chat with my girlfriends. It's probably a good job I'm not online here; I'd never get any work done, and it would only be a matter of time before I got into trouble. Anyway I'm sure it goes without saying that I'd rather be talking to all you lovely people than doing my boring job. So here I am. If I can't talk to you I'll just have to talk to myself and you can read it later. As long as you all know that I'm thinking about you, because you all mean a lot to me. I must share with you a little gem that Christina told me about; Additions Direct, formerly owned by Argos, recently bought out by Asda. Of course the corporate politics are irrelevant, what matters is the fact that they sell ladies' shoes in larger sizes, up to a 10. What's more they are very reasonably priced. I've felt a little frustrated trying to buy shoes online; I've found some stores that sell larger sizes for women but usually it's all mules and sandals, and nothing elegant. Specialist tranny shoe stores always seem to concentrate more on what I'd call fetish wear, and if you want heels, then it usually means, serious heels! Always irritated me that, don't they realise that most of us are tall enough already thank-you very much. And I can't be the only one who wants something a little more dainty than dominatrix thigh-length pvc boots with heels that you could cook a shish kebab on. So until last night I've never really enjoyed shoe shopping, in fact I was worried that this was a most unfeminine trait as surely ALL women love shopping for shoes. But I'd simply never found the right shop and now realise that I love it just as much as any other woman. In fact I ordered 3 pairs, all with dainty heels about 2 inches, just enough to give you "that walk" but not so big it makes you taller than all the men in the room. I know lots of trannies think the bigger and more outrageous the better, but I'm not a tranny, I'm a woman, and tranny-wear has no appeal to me, and not only because it's always over-priced. All the shoes I've ordered were under £20, and this is £30 less than the ones I wear at the moment, which are rather boring and not made particularly well. They sell clothes too at Additions Direct, nice stuff and well-priced again, so I also ordered a short dress for £12. A great site for the likes of me, thanks Christina - you're a star. I know I should be watching what I spend but a girl's gotta have shoes. Girls, shoes and credit cards are inextricably linked. I've been reminded some more of what I was up to after Trans-mission on Saturday, um, thanks for that Mandy. It's all coming back to me now. Ohmigod. Actually no, it was all lovely, I've probably never been so happy, hence my er, outgoing behaviour. Perhaps I should watch my vodka intake the next time, or maybe not. I still want to have fun, but it would be nice to be able to remember it a bit more clearly!
    454 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • A step in the right direction Virtually every day at work it seems to get to a certain time in the morning when there is a quiet lull, my mind becomes free to think about the more meaningful things in my life, and I have an overwhelming desire to chat with my girlfriends. It's probably a good job I'm not online here; I'd never get any work done, and it would only be a matter of time before I got into trouble. Anyway I'm sure it goes without saying that I'd rather be talking to all you lovely people than doing my boring job. So here I am. If I can't talk to you I'll just have to talk to myself and you can read it later. As long as you all know that I'm thinking about you, because you all mean a lot to me. I must share with you a little gem that Christina told me about; Additions Direct, formerly owned by Argos, recently bought out by Asda. Of course the corporate politics are irrelevant, what matters is the fact that they sell ladies' shoes in larger sizes, up to a 10. What's more they are very reasonably priced. I've felt a little frustrated trying to buy shoes online; I've found some stores that sell larger sizes for women but usually it's all mules and sandals, and nothing elegant. Specialist tranny shoe stores always seem to concentrate more on what I'd call fetish wear, and if you want heels, then it usually means, serious heels! Always irritated me that, don't they realise that most of us are tall enough already thank-you very much. And I can't be the only one who wants something a little more dainty than dominatrix thigh-length pvc boots with heels that you could cook a shish kebab on. So until last night I've never really enjoyed shoe shopping, in fact I was worried that this was a most unfeminine trait as surely ALL women love shopping for shoes. But I'd simply never found the right shop and now realise that I love it just as much as any other woman. In fact I ordered 3 pairs, all with dainty heels about 2 inches, just enough to give you "that walk" but not so big it makes you taller than all the men in the room. I know lots of trannies think the bigger and more outrageous the better, but I'm not a tranny, I'm a woman, and tranny-wear has no appeal to me, and not only because it's always over-priced. All the shoes I've ordered were under £20, and this is £30 less than the ones I wear at the moment, which are rather boring and not made particularly well. They sell clothes too at Additions Direct, nice stuff and well-priced again, so I also ordered a short dress for £12. A great site for the likes of me, thanks Christina - you're a star. I know I should be watching what I spend but a girl's gotta have shoes. Girls, shoes and credit cards are inextricably linked. I've been reminded some more of what I was up to after Trans-mission on Saturday, um, thanks for that Mandy. It's all coming back to me now. Ohmigod. Actually no, it was all lovely, I've probably never been so happy, hence my er, outgoing behaviour. Perhaps I should watch my vodka intake the next time, or maybe not. I still want to have fun, but it would be nice to be able to remember it a bit more clearly!
    Jun 11, 2004 454
  • 10 Jun 2004
    The Village People I'm blogging today more to stay awake at work than anything else, haven't got anything particular in mind that I want to say, but then do I ever? The next exciting thing I have to look forward to is the Trans-mission second birthday party in Manchester. It'll be my second Trans-mission of course. Once again there will be a large group of us from T-web, and all of us will be staying at the same hotel. Something tells me it's going to be another good night. New friends to meet, and quite a few old ones too, well I consider them old friends already. We may have only met once but I've chatted to them online as well so I feel like I know them. I'm really pleased that Nena, Jules and Sarah Ann will be coming, it's a long way for them (I know all about that, and of course it's worth it), will be so nice to meet them again, and so soon after the last time. I'll also be meeting up with my old friend Pippa, who I met with Cathy, also at the Village in Manchester, and she's promised to do my nails. I hope we have time for that because it's still something I make a mess of every time. I really fancied having another makeover, but it didn't seem possible other than at Transformation, which is quite expensive. Also Pippa refuses to go there, and I can understand why. However yesterday during my lunchtime visit to the chatroom a fairy godmother appeared in the shape of Sammy, who will be doing makeovers at the hotel on the night. How handy is that? She was at the London TM on Saturday, and her girls were also staying at the Thistle - you can see them on the group photo outside the hotel. Not only will this be a bit cheaper than Pandora's, but she also talks you through it, explaining what she's doing as she goes along. Hopefully we'll be in front of a mirror too. It's a luxury I know, but I still don't really know how to use make-up effectively, and it will save us time as it takes me 2 hours to get ready. Still, that's a girly trait so it can't be all bad. I do think though that Pandora has a special talent and, no offence to Sammy, I'd be surprised if anyone can do such a good job as she did. So I guess there's going to be not much else on my mind from now until then. Only 9 days to decide on an outfit to wear, but no doubt I'll change my mind at the last minute anyway. Well that's another girly trait isn't it Does my bum look big in this? I hope so.
    463 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • The Village People I'm blogging today more to stay awake at work than anything else, haven't got anything particular in mind that I want to say, but then do I ever? The next exciting thing I have to look forward to is the Trans-mission second birthday party in Manchester. It'll be my second Trans-mission of course. Once again there will be a large group of us from T-web, and all of us will be staying at the same hotel. Something tells me it's going to be another good night. New friends to meet, and quite a few old ones too, well I consider them old friends already. We may have only met once but I've chatted to them online as well so I feel like I know them. I'm really pleased that Nena, Jules and Sarah Ann will be coming, it's a long way for them (I know all about that, and of course it's worth it), will be so nice to meet them again, and so soon after the last time. I'll also be meeting up with my old friend Pippa, who I met with Cathy, also at the Village in Manchester, and she's promised to do my nails. I hope we have time for that because it's still something I make a mess of every time. I really fancied having another makeover, but it didn't seem possible other than at Transformation, which is quite expensive. Also Pippa refuses to go there, and I can understand why. However yesterday during my lunchtime visit to the chatroom a fairy godmother appeared in the shape of Sammy, who will be doing makeovers at the hotel on the night. How handy is that? She was at the London TM on Saturday, and her girls were also staying at the Thistle - you can see them on the group photo outside the hotel. Not only will this be a bit cheaper than Pandora's, but she also talks you through it, explaining what she's doing as she goes along. Hopefully we'll be in front of a mirror too. It's a luxury I know, but I still don't really know how to use make-up effectively, and it will save us time as it takes me 2 hours to get ready. Still, that's a girly trait so it can't be all bad. I do think though that Pandora has a special talent and, no offence to Sammy, I'd be surprised if anyone can do such a good job as she did. So I guess there's going to be not much else on my mind from now until then. Only 9 days to decide on an outfit to wear, but no doubt I'll change my mind at the last minute anyway. Well that's another girly trait isn't it Does my bum look big in this? I hope so.
    Jun 10, 2004 463
  • 08 Jun 2004
    Everybody needs a chance to grow If you haven't been to Trans-mission there is only one word I have to say to you - "Go!" It was great. As soon as I walked through the door I felt at home, and could see everybody else was as happy to be there as I was. But lets start at the beginning; it's been quite a weekend. I left home Friday morning for the drive to London which took me 5 hours, managed to do it without stopping. The hotel was easy to find and the drive through town was quicker than expected. My sisterly friend Emma arrived shortly after, so after chatting for a while we set about getting ready to go out. I wore a black silk dress, light, floaty and a dream to wear. We got a taxi and went to TK's wine bar, owned by the same people as the Wayout club. It was very quiet, but a nice place. We sat at a table chatting and sipping wine. After a while we were joined by a guy who offered to buy us a drink. He asked if one of us was Emma so we instantly realised this was Suzy from T-web, who Emma had chatted to a couple of nights before; he'd said he might call in on his way home from work. He was a nice guy, but more of an admirer than a dresser. 2 other T-girls were in over the course of the evening, one who was with a genuine girl, we said hello, and one who was on her own, so we asked her to join us. She was very nice, and it dawned on me how great this felt to be in a place where I could meet and chat with other T-girls. I realised I was incredibly happy, and it wasn't just the wine doing that. In my home town there is only one TS who is out and sadly I don't know her, even more sadly my mates would think it most strange if I was to approach her in the pub, but one day I'm sure I will. Anyway I was in London now and appreciating the big difference between small town narrow-minded farmers, and cosmopolitan city-goers. Towards the end of the night one of the owners, Vicky came in and got chatting to us. I liked her a lot, a very attractive T-girl, who was kind enough to give us a lift back to the hotel. It was about 3am by the time we got to bed, so I was quite tired by then. Needles to say, we skipped breakfast in the morning. Saturday we had planned to go out shopping, but after a much needed lie-in and a couple of hours making ourselves beautiful we were a little short of time so decided to go straight to Doreen's in East London, Emma drove. The East-end is not the prettiest area of London but it was great to be walking down the street in a little polka-dot skirt and a blue low-cut gypsy top. The first time I'd ever really been out in that sort of environment, broad daylight and very busy - wonderful. I loved Doreen's, my kind of clothes, a lot of party stuff, but as soon as I got to the little black dress in the middle of the rack I knew that was the one. Tried it on, I've just realised actually that was another first for me - trying clothes on in the shop, fitted like a dream, perfect. Had to have it, 25 quid, bargain. Tried a couple of wigs on too, came close to buying one for £100 but it wasn't perfect enough to be spending that sort of money. Also tried another black dress on, really sexy, looked good but dangerously short. It was time to head back by then so off down the street again feeling much happier about what I would be wearing that night. We ate at the hotel then went back to our room to de-femme and become boring and drab again, but not for long! I drove us to Pandora De'Pledge for our makeover which I was really looking forward to, yet another first. Pandora was lovely and looked amazing, her assistant Mark was in drab (with painted toenails) but was Gorgeous with a capital G. Drab in this case is too unflattering; long flowing blonde locks, great figure - corr! Think I must be becoming more aware of my girly instincts. Anyway all mirrors were covered (a make-up lesson is a lot more expensive) and they got to work on us. After nearly an hour came the grand unveiling. Wow. Emma took one look at me and her jaw dropped, she didn't need to say anything, but did of course, as did I; she was beauitiful, and I couldn't believe the face that was looking back at me in the mirror. We could have been sisters, glamorous and blonde. Pandora had also trimmed my wig and styled it, gone was the straight floppy fringe, replaced by an almost Farrah Fawcett style wave. Was glad I hadn't spent £100 on that wig at Doreen's. I have never felt so good about my appearance and thoroughly enjoyed the drive back to the hotel. We took some pics (of course) some of which are now in my album, and went down to meet the girls in the bar, though we were running a little late. I came out of the elevator to see a group of lovely girls in front of me, and instantly recognised Julie Jules ("That's gotta be Lucy", she said) and Nena from their pics. Hugs followed, then introductions to the 2 Sarahs and Mandy, who I also recognised when I looked twice, sorry Mand, my eyesight is not what it used to be. We all went out to wait for a taxi, attracting a crowd of onlookers, which felt good. More T-girls appeared and more pics were taken. One kind lady offered to take group shots with all our cameras, which was much appreciated. All the onlookers seemed friendly and genuinely interested. Took a while to get taxis but we were already having fun. And this is where I began - we went in to the Extra Time Bar (the TM venue) and the place was heaving with T-girls and their bosoms! This was my kind of place. Drinks all round, and then we were the first to go upstairs; T-web girls are born leaders. It soon filled up, and the place was soon rocking. After a few vodkas even I danced for a while; I like dancing but doing it in public is new to me really, and I would have preferred it with music that I'm familiar with, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. The thing I enjoyed most was as expected, being surrounded by other girls who felt the way I did. I spoke to several of them, some who complimented me on my dress, and some who had their dresses complimented by me. It was wonderful to be there, so wonderful. I wish I could go every month. A voice at the back of my mind is telling me it's time to get out of the countryside and move down south. Small steps Lucy, one thing at a time. Anyway the next TM event is in Manchester in less than 2 weeks, much closer to home. Wild horses would not keep me away, and I hope to see as many of you there as possible. We went back to the hotel bar and took over the place, causing quite a stir. An Irish gg said to me, "Why are you all dressed up?" I answered with a question, "Why are you?" She couldn't answer me, but I think she understood what I meant. I talked to her quite a bit, she was intrigued, but her 2 friends went to bed, uninterested/unaccepting - who cares. I have to admit I was very drunk (but "nice drunk"), and don't remember everything after that, though I've been reminded of some of my behaviour since then. It's official, I'm a flirty old tart. But I've noticed that a lot of T-girls enjoy a bit of flirting, so I guess it's normal. I felt normal all evening, and that is exactly why I love being out dressed, because I feel myself. After 3 trips out in 2 days it's now feeling more natural than ever, and it won't be long before I can do it again. What's more it'll be at a place I've been before, the Village in Manchester. That must make me a girl of experience!
    540 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Everybody needs a chance to grow If you haven't been to Trans-mission there is only one word I have to say to you - "Go!" It was great. As soon as I walked through the door I felt at home, and could see everybody else was as happy to be there as I was. But lets start at the beginning; it's been quite a weekend. I left home Friday morning for the drive to London which took me 5 hours, managed to do it without stopping. The hotel was easy to find and the drive through town was quicker than expected. My sisterly friend Emma arrived shortly after, so after chatting for a while we set about getting ready to go out. I wore a black silk dress, light, floaty and a dream to wear. We got a taxi and went to TK's wine bar, owned by the same people as the Wayout club. It was very quiet, but a nice place. We sat at a table chatting and sipping wine. After a while we were joined by a guy who offered to buy us a drink. He asked if one of us was Emma so we instantly realised this was Suzy from T-web, who Emma had chatted to a couple of nights before; he'd said he might call in on his way home from work. He was a nice guy, but more of an admirer than a dresser. 2 other T-girls were in over the course of the evening, one who was with a genuine girl, we said hello, and one who was on her own, so we asked her to join us. She was very nice, and it dawned on me how great this felt to be in a place where I could meet and chat with other T-girls. I realised I was incredibly happy, and it wasn't just the wine doing that. In my home town there is only one TS who is out and sadly I don't know her, even more sadly my mates would think it most strange if I was to approach her in the pub, but one day I'm sure I will. Anyway I was in London now and appreciating the big difference between small town narrow-minded farmers, and cosmopolitan city-goers. Towards the end of the night one of the owners, Vicky came in and got chatting to us. I liked her a lot, a very attractive T-girl, who was kind enough to give us a lift back to the hotel. It was about 3am by the time we got to bed, so I was quite tired by then. Needles to say, we skipped breakfast in the morning. Saturday we had planned to go out shopping, but after a much needed lie-in and a couple of hours making ourselves beautiful we were a little short of time so decided to go straight to Doreen's in East London, Emma drove. The East-end is not the prettiest area of London but it was great to be walking down the street in a little polka-dot skirt and a blue low-cut gypsy top. The first time I'd ever really been out in that sort of environment, broad daylight and very busy - wonderful. I loved Doreen's, my kind of clothes, a lot of party stuff, but as soon as I got to the little black dress in the middle of the rack I knew that was the one. Tried it on, I've just realised actually that was another first for me - trying clothes on in the shop, fitted like a dream, perfect. Had to have it, 25 quid, bargain. Tried a couple of wigs on too, came close to buying one for £100 but it wasn't perfect enough to be spending that sort of money. Also tried another black dress on, really sexy, looked good but dangerously short. It was time to head back by then so off down the street again feeling much happier about what I would be wearing that night. We ate at the hotel then went back to our room to de-femme and become boring and drab again, but not for long! I drove us to Pandora De'Pledge for our makeover which I was really looking forward to, yet another first. Pandora was lovely and looked amazing, her assistant Mark was in drab (with painted toenails) but was Gorgeous with a capital G. Drab in this case is too unflattering; long flowing blonde locks, great figure - corr! Think I must be becoming more aware of my girly instincts. Anyway all mirrors were covered (a make-up lesson is a lot more expensive) and they got to work on us. After nearly an hour came the grand unveiling. Wow. Emma took one look at me and her jaw dropped, she didn't need to say anything, but did of course, as did I; she was beauitiful, and I couldn't believe the face that was looking back at me in the mirror. We could have been sisters, glamorous and blonde. Pandora had also trimmed my wig and styled it, gone was the straight floppy fringe, replaced by an almost Farrah Fawcett style wave. Was glad I hadn't spent £100 on that wig at Doreen's. I have never felt so good about my appearance and thoroughly enjoyed the drive back to the hotel. We took some pics (of course) some of which are now in my album, and went down to meet the girls in the bar, though we were running a little late. I came out of the elevator to see a group of lovely girls in front of me, and instantly recognised Julie Jules ("That's gotta be Lucy", she said) and Nena from their pics. Hugs followed, then introductions to the 2 Sarahs and Mandy, who I also recognised when I looked twice, sorry Mand, my eyesight is not what it used to be. We all went out to wait for a taxi, attracting a crowd of onlookers, which felt good. More T-girls appeared and more pics were taken. One kind lady offered to take group shots with all our cameras, which was much appreciated. All the onlookers seemed friendly and genuinely interested. Took a while to get taxis but we were already having fun. And this is where I began - we went in to the Extra Time Bar (the TM venue) and the place was heaving with T-girls and their bosoms! This was my kind of place. Drinks all round, and then we were the first to go upstairs; T-web girls are born leaders. It soon filled up, and the place was soon rocking. After a few vodkas even I danced for a while; I like dancing but doing it in public is new to me really, and I would have preferred it with music that I'm familiar with, but I enjoyed it nevertheless. The thing I enjoyed most was as expected, being surrounded by other girls who felt the way I did. I spoke to several of them, some who complimented me on my dress, and some who had their dresses complimented by me. It was wonderful to be there, so wonderful. I wish I could go every month. A voice at the back of my mind is telling me it's time to get out of the countryside and move down south. Small steps Lucy, one thing at a time. Anyway the next TM event is in Manchester in less than 2 weeks, much closer to home. Wild horses would not keep me away, and I hope to see as many of you there as possible. We went back to the hotel bar and took over the place, causing quite a stir. An Irish gg said to me, "Why are you all dressed up?" I answered with a question, "Why are you?" She couldn't answer me, but I think she understood what I meant. I talked to her quite a bit, she was intrigued, but her 2 friends went to bed, uninterested/unaccepting - who cares. I have to admit I was very drunk (but "nice drunk"), and don't remember everything after that, though I've been reminded of some of my behaviour since then. It's official, I'm a flirty old tart. But I've noticed that a lot of T-girls enjoy a bit of flirting, so I guess it's normal. I felt normal all evening, and that is exactly why I love being out dressed, because I feel myself. After 3 trips out in 2 days it's now feeling more natural than ever, and it won't be long before I can do it again. What's more it'll be at a place I've been before, the Village in Manchester. That must make me a girl of experience!
    Jun 08, 2004 540
  • 03 Jun 2004
    Thursday's child has far to go I remember wondering as a child, why was the daughter from the Addam's family called Wednesday? It seemed a harmless name, I mean, Pug, Fester - urgh. But of course if she was born on a Wednesday she'd be full of woe wouldn't she, which would figure. Do they have that rhyme over there, can any Americans tell me? Well, that was the random obscure thought for the day that just occurred to me, though I expect there'll be more to come. It's Thursday today (Tina - It'll be Friday tomorrow and then Saturday, ok?) and thank goodness for that. Not only do I have 4 days without work after today, cause for elation itself, but I'm about to embark on my most intense dressing in public experience to date, cause for epilation, indeed. It's a long way from here to London, but it's going to be worth it. Friday night I get to meet Emma, and we'll be going out for a meal and a few drinks, Saturday we'll be shopping, dressed again of course, a new experience for me, then a makeover at Pandora's, another new experience, then Transmission, yet another new experience. Well, I don't get out much, certainly not dressed anyway, but as you can see that is changing, and dramatically so this weekend. It'll be such a contrast to the quiet, sleepy town where I live, and such a feeling of freedom being out and about in the big city instead of locked indoors always trying to keep and eye and an ear out for unexpected visitors. Freedom - that's the big feeling I've had from being out previously. Does everyone get that? Or is it just because I've spent so long locked away, dressing in solitary confinement. I feel like a caged bird who is ready to fly, after a few hundred miles drive down the M6 and M1 of course.
    427 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Thursday's child has far to go I remember wondering as a child, why was the daughter from the Addam's family called Wednesday? It seemed a harmless name, I mean, Pug, Fester - urgh. But of course if she was born on a Wednesday she'd be full of woe wouldn't she, which would figure. Do they have that rhyme over there, can any Americans tell me? Well, that was the random obscure thought for the day that just occurred to me, though I expect there'll be more to come. It's Thursday today (Tina - It'll be Friday tomorrow and then Saturday, ok?) and thank goodness for that. Not only do I have 4 days without work after today, cause for elation itself, but I'm about to embark on my most intense dressing in public experience to date, cause for epilation, indeed. It's a long way from here to London, but it's going to be worth it. Friday night I get to meet Emma, and we'll be going out for a meal and a few drinks, Saturday we'll be shopping, dressed again of course, a new experience for me, then a makeover at Pandora's, another new experience, then Transmission, yet another new experience. Well, I don't get out much, certainly not dressed anyway, but as you can see that is changing, and dramatically so this weekend. It'll be such a contrast to the quiet, sleepy town where I live, and such a feeling of freedom being out and about in the big city instead of locked indoors always trying to keep and eye and an ear out for unexpected visitors. Freedom - that's the big feeling I've had from being out previously. Does everyone get that? Or is it just because I've spent so long locked away, dressing in solitary confinement. I feel like a caged bird who is ready to fly, after a few hundred miles drive down the M6 and M1 of course.
    Jun 03, 2004 427
  • 02 Jun 2004
    Wednesday's child is full of woe What day is it today? Wednesday. Never could get the hang of Wednesdays. Still that means it’s Thursday tomorrow and Friday the day after that. Sorry girls, I haven’t started blogging for Sesame Street, I know you know the days of the week, but my mind is fixed on the weekend, light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-vision you might call it. Last week was a bad one for me, and this week hasn’t been much better. Problems at work, tired and run-down, though partially self-inflicted by staying up late chatting. I find it hard to drag my self away from that though. When you’ve had 8 hours of "ennui", meeting up with the girls for some love and laughter is a great relief. And I do laugh a lot in the chatroom; we have some great characters there. Laughter is a great de-stresser. I don’t think I feel stressed, but something is taking its toll on me and I’m certainly not looking my best for the weekend ahead, which is a bit saddening. At this point I’m wondering whether to go into details, perhaps not too many, some of you may be squeamish, but amongst other things I look a mess, and my skin is in a dreadful state. Thank heavens for Dermablend blemish concealer, though I still need some improvement for even that to be effective. 2 days left… At least I have more energy than last week, which is a good sign. I’ve spent 25 years in rock and roll bands, partying, drinking , working in smoky clubs and staying up late, it’s not good for a girl, and gets you into bad habits. When drinking becomes a habit that you can afford, it’s hard to find a reason to stop. Even when you gradually realise you are poisoning your body, if you don’t feel good about yourself you have no real desire to stop. It’s gonna kill me? Yeah? Where’s the corkscrew? I feel better about myself now than I ever have done; I feel I have some sort of self-direction, I know who I want to be, rather than just going along with everything around me and reacting to it. And I feel that some things at least are not totally out of my grasp. This is not an instant cure for any sort of drinking habit though, or any other self-destructive lifestyle habit. But it’s a major stepping-stone onto the path of recovery. Lots of my friends drink huge amounts, and think it’s a laugh, which it can be - I’m not telling anyone to stop drinking by the way, and at the weekend lots of you will see me just a little bit tiddled, but there is a serious side to this. My greatest friend is a depressed alcoholic. Some friend you might say, but he is lovely, a true friend, great company, intelligent, witty and I love him. He knows he has a problem, knows he is killing himself, and knows he’s doing it on purpose. He’s sought help for the depression; anti-depressants and support groups seem to have helped a bit but it’s not enough to get him out of the cycle. I cry if I think about it too much because I don’t want to see him die. I’ve already lost one good friend that way. Depression mixed with alcohol is a lethal cocktail. I warned you about Wednesdays didn’t I. Still, it’s nearly lunchtime, which means that half the week is almost over. Even if I’m off work on a Monday and Friday, Wednesday is still Wednesday, half-way through the week. Funny that. Don’t know what got me onto the subject of drinking and self-destructiveness, I guess it’s just been a large part of my life in the past, and I see it all around me all the time. But there are ways out. Some people find religion, I’ve found Trannyweb… and myself.
    479 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Wednesday's child is full of woe What day is it today? Wednesday. Never could get the hang of Wednesdays. Still that means it’s Thursday tomorrow and Friday the day after that. Sorry girls, I haven’t started blogging for Sesame Street, I know you know the days of the week, but my mind is fixed on the weekend, light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel-vision you might call it. Last week was a bad one for me, and this week hasn’t been much better. Problems at work, tired and run-down, though partially self-inflicted by staying up late chatting. I find it hard to drag my self away from that though. When you’ve had 8 hours of "ennui", meeting up with the girls for some love and laughter is a great relief. And I do laugh a lot in the chatroom; we have some great characters there. Laughter is a great de-stresser. I don’t think I feel stressed, but something is taking its toll on me and I’m certainly not looking my best for the weekend ahead, which is a bit saddening. At this point I’m wondering whether to go into details, perhaps not too many, some of you may be squeamish, but amongst other things I look a mess, and my skin is in a dreadful state. Thank heavens for Dermablend blemish concealer, though I still need some improvement for even that to be effective. 2 days left… At least I have more energy than last week, which is a good sign. I’ve spent 25 years in rock and roll bands, partying, drinking , working in smoky clubs and staying up late, it’s not good for a girl, and gets you into bad habits. When drinking becomes a habit that you can afford, it’s hard to find a reason to stop. Even when you gradually realise you are poisoning your body, if you don’t feel good about yourself you have no real desire to stop. It’s gonna kill me? Yeah? Where’s the corkscrew? I feel better about myself now than I ever have done; I feel I have some sort of self-direction, I know who I want to be, rather than just going along with everything around me and reacting to it. And I feel that some things at least are not totally out of my grasp. This is not an instant cure for any sort of drinking habit though, or any other self-destructive lifestyle habit. But it’s a major stepping-stone onto the path of recovery. Lots of my friends drink huge amounts, and think it’s a laugh, which it can be - I’m not telling anyone to stop drinking by the way, and at the weekend lots of you will see me just a little bit tiddled, but there is a serious side to this. My greatest friend is a depressed alcoholic. Some friend you might say, but he is lovely, a true friend, great company, intelligent, witty and I love him. He knows he has a problem, knows he is killing himself, and knows he’s doing it on purpose. He’s sought help for the depression; anti-depressants and support groups seem to have helped a bit but it’s not enough to get him out of the cycle. I cry if I think about it too much because I don’t want to see him die. I’ve already lost one good friend that way. Depression mixed with alcohol is a lethal cocktail. I warned you about Wednesdays didn’t I. Still, it’s nearly lunchtime, which means that half the week is almost over. Even if I’m off work on a Monday and Friday, Wednesday is still Wednesday, half-way through the week. Funny that. Don’t know what got me onto the subject of drinking and self-destructiveness, I guess it’s just been a large part of my life in the past, and I see it all around me all the time. But there are ways out. Some people find religion, I’ve found Trannyweb… and myself.
    Jun 02, 2004 479
  • 28 May 2004
    Life is an open book I've mentioned in the past how I've found that writing things down seems to help me, in a way that is quite hard to explain really, so I won't try and explain it you'll just have to take my word that it really does. I guess though, that I don't get enough opportunities to really talk my feelings through with anyone in person, but it seems that talking to myself is better than nothing, which is why I started this blog really; for the cathartic effect of getting one's inner feelings "out". Once I start, sometimes I could probably ramble on all day, thinking out loud as it were, and my early bloggings may have been verging on that. Since then I've received comments in various forms which made me realise that I'm not just talking to myself. I've always been a humble person, sometimes painfully so, and never expect anyone to take any notice of me. This is all part of my psychological make-up and may have led to me finding other ways to express myself. When I used to play keyboards in bands I expected people's ears to prick up, and I have to say that they usually did. I play better than I talk. Music is an emotional language, and it will always be a big part of me though I no longer feel the need to perform on stage, but there's several blog's worth of material there and I'm digressing. Where was I...? Oh yes, comments on my blog: Last night someone sent me a message having just read some of it (and you know who you are); it may well be the most touching thing anyone has ever said to me; a genuine, eloquently put comment, which I took as a great compliment. My blog gets closer to the inner me than anyone has ever seen before, and if it touches anyone in a positive way then I'm flattered, slightly amazed, warmly comforted and lots of other adjectives, including happy. Thank you so, so much for your comments everyone, I'll try not to ramble on so much in future. For me, this site is all about support and encouragement, and I still need that even though there is a new Lucy in town, stronger than ever before. I still have difficulties; this week has been hell at work, my physical and personal problems are constantly grinding away, I still have a lot to sort out in coming to terms with my life and how to go about living it, but I also have support and encouragement to give; we are a sisterhood, and we can help each other. Hopefully along the way we can have some fun too. Speaking of which, I've booked the makeover at Pandora's, they were really nice and said we should bring our outfits for the evening to change into, so they can make sure we look like a million dollars. Last night Emma and I were competing to see who was the ugliest in drab (me Emma, me), but not seriously, for we both know that it's inner beauty that matters. Hopefully Pandora will be able to help with the outer bits. Some girly pampering? Yes please - sounds like fun to me!
    438 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Life is an open book I've mentioned in the past how I've found that writing things down seems to help me, in a way that is quite hard to explain really, so I won't try and explain it you'll just have to take my word that it really does. I guess though, that I don't get enough opportunities to really talk my feelings through with anyone in person, but it seems that talking to myself is better than nothing, which is why I started this blog really; for the cathartic effect of getting one's inner feelings "out". Once I start, sometimes I could probably ramble on all day, thinking out loud as it were, and my early bloggings may have been verging on that. Since then I've received comments in various forms which made me realise that I'm not just talking to myself. I've always been a humble person, sometimes painfully so, and never expect anyone to take any notice of me. This is all part of my psychological make-up and may have led to me finding other ways to express myself. When I used to play keyboards in bands I expected people's ears to prick up, and I have to say that they usually did. I play better than I talk. Music is an emotional language, and it will always be a big part of me though I no longer feel the need to perform on stage, but there's several blog's worth of material there and I'm digressing. Where was I...? Oh yes, comments on my blog: Last night someone sent me a message having just read some of it (and you know who you are); it may well be the most touching thing anyone has ever said to me; a genuine, eloquently put comment, which I took as a great compliment. My blog gets closer to the inner me than anyone has ever seen before, and if it touches anyone in a positive way then I'm flattered, slightly amazed, warmly comforted and lots of other adjectives, including happy. Thank you so, so much for your comments everyone, I'll try not to ramble on so much in future. For me, this site is all about support and encouragement, and I still need that even though there is a new Lucy in town, stronger than ever before. I still have difficulties; this week has been hell at work, my physical and personal problems are constantly grinding away, I still have a lot to sort out in coming to terms with my life and how to go about living it, but I also have support and encouragement to give; we are a sisterhood, and we can help each other. Hopefully along the way we can have some fun too. Speaking of which, I've booked the makeover at Pandora's, they were really nice and said we should bring our outfits for the evening to change into, so they can make sure we look like a million dollars. Last night Emma and I were competing to see who was the ugliest in drab (me Emma, me), but not seriously, for we both know that it's inner beauty that matters. Hopefully Pandora will be able to help with the outer bits. Some girly pampering? Yes please - sounds like fun to me!
    May 28, 2004 438
  • 27 May 2004
    Made up for the night Making arrangements for my nights out makes me feel like they’re getting closer, which they are every day I guess, but booking hotels and enquiring about makeovers gets me all excited. Yes, makeovers - that will be a new experience for me, and a much needed one too. I try to glean what make-up tips I can from books and magazines and forums and so on, but having someone make me up professionally will be especially educating, as well as a real luxury. I managed to persuade Emma to come with me to Pandora’s before Transmission night (only gentle persuasion was needed) for a basic makeover, the cheapest service they do. If all goes according to plan I think my camera may be busy that night. If you don’t know about Pandora de’ Pledge then check out the website; some of the most stunning pics I’ve seen. If I was better off I could really have some fun there, they do all sorts of other services too, for girls who want to be pampered, which is all of us I’m sure. So I’m looking forward to that, and TM night, and meeting all the girls, and lots of shopping, and oh what a whirlwind of girlyness it will be. Wish I could do this all the time, but it’s going to be an expensive weekend; I must find places to go and people to meet closer to home so I can do it every weekend, or more often at least. My friend-in-the-know has offered to go out with me, so hopefully soon we’ll maybe try the gay/tv clubs in Blackpool. He’s gay so he’ll enjoy that. He's not an "admirer", but he’s very supportive of me. I’ll feel safe with him and as long as I can go out I don’t really mind where we go. That will get me out of the house at least but I do so want to meet more of you girls. So if there’s anyone in or around the north-west who just wants to get out please give me a shout. We can have girly chat and share make-up tips, and by then I’ll know how the professionals do it! At least I hope so; when I get home I'm going to ring Pandora's to book the appointment (I’m at work at the moment by the way). Work. It’s a four-letter word. Really, us girls have better things to think about…
    432 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Made up for the night Making arrangements for my nights out makes me feel like they’re getting closer, which they are every day I guess, but booking hotels and enquiring about makeovers gets me all excited. Yes, makeovers - that will be a new experience for me, and a much needed one too. I try to glean what make-up tips I can from books and magazines and forums and so on, but having someone make me up professionally will be especially educating, as well as a real luxury. I managed to persuade Emma to come with me to Pandora’s before Transmission night (only gentle persuasion was needed) for a basic makeover, the cheapest service they do. If all goes according to plan I think my camera may be busy that night. If you don’t know about Pandora de’ Pledge then check out the website; some of the most stunning pics I’ve seen. If I was better off I could really have some fun there, they do all sorts of other services too, for girls who want to be pampered, which is all of us I’m sure. So I’m looking forward to that, and TM night, and meeting all the girls, and lots of shopping, and oh what a whirlwind of girlyness it will be. Wish I could do this all the time, but it’s going to be an expensive weekend; I must find places to go and people to meet closer to home so I can do it every weekend, or more often at least. My friend-in-the-know has offered to go out with me, so hopefully soon we’ll maybe try the gay/tv clubs in Blackpool. He’s gay so he’ll enjoy that. He's not an "admirer", but he’s very supportive of me. I’ll feel safe with him and as long as I can go out I don’t really mind where we go. That will get me out of the house at least but I do so want to meet more of you girls. So if there’s anyone in or around the north-west who just wants to get out please give me a shout. We can have girly chat and share make-up tips, and by then I’ll know how the professionals do it! At least I hope so; when I get home I'm going to ring Pandora's to book the appointment (I’m at work at the moment by the way). Work. It’s a four-letter word. Really, us girls have better things to think about…
    May 27, 2004 432
  • 25 May 2004
    Help is at Hand I went in the chatroom yesterday evening to find a young girl receiving some very supportive comments from all the other girls. 18 years young to be precise, and she'd told her parents that she was ts. I offered my support as well; the feeling of really wanting to help people like that is getting ever stronger. It made me think how my life could have been different had I done the same, but I found myself commenting that it's no use having regrets. In fact if you can learn to steer clear of negative thoughts it can be positively beneficial. Kind of sounds obvious doesn't it. Anyhow I felt a strong desire to encourage this girl, who has already taken the biggest step by telling her parents. They presumably will take some time to come to terms with it, and as we all know, however you go about it this is never an easy life. When I was 18 I knew I wanted to be a woman, but felt unable to tell anyone, as I still do, at least as far as family and friends are concerned. I think I told myself it was unrealistic, I could never do that, it was just a dream. As I've said, there was no internet then; there was once a documentary about a ts on telly (George and Julia), apart from that it was almost unheard of, at least in my town. I felt alone, and the problem in my head was best kept to myself. Incidentally George/Julia's doctor must have put off a lot of people from going through "the system" for help; he was completely non-supportive, appeared to have no real understanding of the condition, and seemed intent on trying to make his patient think that this was all a bad idea. A horrible man. The contrast between the so-called help this doctor was supposed to be giving, and the emotional support one can find on this site is, um, a very big contrast indeed. Julia came away from every session with her doctor feeling down, like she was having to fight for what she knew was right. Sure we have to fight for what we want, but we shouldn't have to go 12 rounds with our doctor. Sure also, the system has to know that we are doing the right thing, and hopefully doctors are better educated now and that particular one has been shot. But girls like us are not going to be talked out of it. I know what's right for me, I just never had any help in how to go about it. Over the years I've been settling in to life in Lucyland, but going nowhere in particular. I came here and now I'm going places, and really thinking positively about what I can do to improve myself and my life. So follow your hearts girls and hit the road that leads to your true self. As soon as you get on it you will know you're heading in the right direction, take one step forward and you'll leave self-doubt behind. And if you need help, it's free, it's unconditional, and it's here.
    451 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Help is at Hand I went in the chatroom yesterday evening to find a young girl receiving some very supportive comments from all the other girls. 18 years young to be precise, and she'd told her parents that she was ts. I offered my support as well; the feeling of really wanting to help people like that is getting ever stronger. It made me think how my life could have been different had I done the same, but I found myself commenting that it's no use having regrets. In fact if you can learn to steer clear of negative thoughts it can be positively beneficial. Kind of sounds obvious doesn't it. Anyhow I felt a strong desire to encourage this girl, who has already taken the biggest step by telling her parents. They presumably will take some time to come to terms with it, and as we all know, however you go about it this is never an easy life. When I was 18 I knew I wanted to be a woman, but felt unable to tell anyone, as I still do, at least as far as family and friends are concerned. I think I told myself it was unrealistic, I could never do that, it was just a dream. As I've said, there was no internet then; there was once a documentary about a ts on telly (George and Julia), apart from that it was almost unheard of, at least in my town. I felt alone, and the problem in my head was best kept to myself. Incidentally George/Julia's doctor must have put off a lot of people from going through "the system" for help; he was completely non-supportive, appeared to have no real understanding of the condition, and seemed intent on trying to make his patient think that this was all a bad idea. A horrible man. The contrast between the so-called help this doctor was supposed to be giving, and the emotional support one can find on this site is, um, a very big contrast indeed. Julia came away from every session with her doctor feeling down, like she was having to fight for what she knew was right. Sure we have to fight for what we want, but we shouldn't have to go 12 rounds with our doctor. Sure also, the system has to know that we are doing the right thing, and hopefully doctors are better educated now and that particular one has been shot. But girls like us are not going to be talked out of it. I know what's right for me, I just never had any help in how to go about it. Over the years I've been settling in to life in Lucyland, but going nowhere in particular. I came here and now I'm going places, and really thinking positively about what I can do to improve myself and my life. So follow your hearts girls and hit the road that leads to your true self. As soon as you get on it you will know you're heading in the right direction, take one step forward and you'll leave self-doubt behind. And if you need help, it's free, it's unconditional, and it's here.
    May 25, 2004 451
  • 24 May 2004
    Friends and Shopping It’s nice to be making so many new friends here, I may have only met two of them so far but that will change in a couple of weeks when I go to Transmission, looks like there’s going to be loads of us there. What’s really nice of course is the fact that all these friends have something in common with me that none of my old friends have. I can’t help feeling slightly distanced from "the old crowd", never being able to reveal my full and true self to them. Until recently I’d never met anyone who shared the same desires, inner feelings and practical difficulties, not to mention dress sense. So it’s great to talk to you girls and not have to hide anything. Pretending to be someone else seems to restrict the enrichment I feel I should be getting from socialising with my friends, who I do truly love by the way. Maybe they would love me more if I gave them my all, maybe they’d run a mile, I can’t help wondering. Maybe one day I’ll find out. My new friend Emma has recently confided in a gg she has known for some time, who seems to be completely accepting and supportive of it all. I’d love to be able to do that, but I have to admit my first priority would be to drag them out shopping. Unashamedly selfish I know, but I’d make sure I bought them something they fancied as a thank-you. I’m not about to come out and tell anyone though, I don’t like gambling unless it feels like a safe bet, and this would feel like one huge gamble. I’m not as concerned about my reputation as I used to be, but I’m not going to push myself into any irreversible situations just yet. Practically, I would have to leave my job if my secret got out (it’s complicated but take my word for it, Lucy can’t work in this place if people know about her), and at the moment I’m enjoying spending all my wages keeping myself in the manner to which I have become accustomed (I bought 5 skirts and 3 tops and some jewellery in Manchester). You don’t have to have money to be a tv, but it helps. 10 years ago I was a lot worse off and could only shop in charity shops (some good ones where I live) and even tried my hand at sewing, not my forte though, could do with some lessons. Would be super if I was able to take in some of my dresses at the waist and hips, never been able to manage that successfully, it’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m trying to be careful about what I spend now, the last couple of months have been mad (but fun!) however going out dressed has become possibly the most important thing in my life and I must get clothes that are suitable; I love my pink gypsy tops and everything, but most of my clothes are either not practical, or not glamorous enough for going out, and I want to look my best as any self-respecting girl would. Which makes me think: Lucy’s male counterpart has absolutely no interest in clothes, never buys them, and is not concerned about his usual slightly scruffy appearance; is that down to lack of self-respect perhaps? I think so, he’s never had any reason to respect himself, as he’s always felt like a non-person; he, is really a she, so why should she want to look good as a man? That’s improved now, as the feminine side of my personality is more in control; I respect myself as a person, and no good will come from disrespecting myself as a man. I ain’t gonna start buying Levi’s and trendy shirts though! It’s a good job "he" is not interested in clothes, as "she" spends all her money on her own stuff, clothes which really matter, and actually mean something to her. When I was married (yes well, I’ll try anything once), we were quite broke, and my wife spent far too much money on clothes, always impulse buying; I never quite understood that the way I do now, but wife person – I forgive you! (I have to because I’m probably worse than she ever was). Anyway a few more tops, some decent shoes, maybe another little black dress and I should be sorted for the nights out that I have planned. I probably didn’t need the 5 skirts I bought in Manchester, though I did wear one that night, and they were all very lovely and reasonably cheap, so I think I should allow myself those little impulses, don’t you? It’s all part of being a girl.
    424 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Friends and Shopping It’s nice to be making so many new friends here, I may have only met two of them so far but that will change in a couple of weeks when I go to Transmission, looks like there’s going to be loads of us there. What’s really nice of course is the fact that all these friends have something in common with me that none of my old friends have. I can’t help feeling slightly distanced from "the old crowd", never being able to reveal my full and true self to them. Until recently I’d never met anyone who shared the same desires, inner feelings and practical difficulties, not to mention dress sense. So it’s great to talk to you girls and not have to hide anything. Pretending to be someone else seems to restrict the enrichment I feel I should be getting from socialising with my friends, who I do truly love by the way. Maybe they would love me more if I gave them my all, maybe they’d run a mile, I can’t help wondering. Maybe one day I’ll find out. My new friend Emma has recently confided in a gg she has known for some time, who seems to be completely accepting and supportive of it all. I’d love to be able to do that, but I have to admit my first priority would be to drag them out shopping. Unashamedly selfish I know, but I’d make sure I bought them something they fancied as a thank-you. I’m not about to come out and tell anyone though, I don’t like gambling unless it feels like a safe bet, and this would feel like one huge gamble. I’m not as concerned about my reputation as I used to be, but I’m not going to push myself into any irreversible situations just yet. Practically, I would have to leave my job if my secret got out (it’s complicated but take my word for it, Lucy can’t work in this place if people know about her), and at the moment I’m enjoying spending all my wages keeping myself in the manner to which I have become accustomed (I bought 5 skirts and 3 tops and some jewellery in Manchester). You don’t have to have money to be a tv, but it helps. 10 years ago I was a lot worse off and could only shop in charity shops (some good ones where I live) and even tried my hand at sewing, not my forte though, could do with some lessons. Would be super if I was able to take in some of my dresses at the waist and hips, never been able to manage that successfully, it’s not as easy as it sounds. I’m trying to be careful about what I spend now, the last couple of months have been mad (but fun!) however going out dressed has become possibly the most important thing in my life and I must get clothes that are suitable; I love my pink gypsy tops and everything, but most of my clothes are either not practical, or not glamorous enough for going out, and I want to look my best as any self-respecting girl would. Which makes me think: Lucy’s male counterpart has absolutely no interest in clothes, never buys them, and is not concerned about his usual slightly scruffy appearance; is that down to lack of self-respect perhaps? I think so, he’s never had any reason to respect himself, as he’s always felt like a non-person; he, is really a she, so why should she want to look good as a man? That’s improved now, as the feminine side of my personality is more in control; I respect myself as a person, and no good will come from disrespecting myself as a man. I ain’t gonna start buying Levi’s and trendy shirts though! It’s a good job "he" is not interested in clothes, as "she" spends all her money on her own stuff, clothes which really matter, and actually mean something to her. When I was married (yes well, I’ll try anything once), we were quite broke, and my wife spent far too much money on clothes, always impulse buying; I never quite understood that the way I do now, but wife person – I forgive you! (I have to because I’m probably worse than she ever was). Anyway a few more tops, some decent shoes, maybe another little black dress and I should be sorted for the nights out that I have planned. I probably didn’t need the 5 skirts I bought in Manchester, though I did wear one that night, and they were all very lovely and reasonably cheap, so I think I should allow myself those little impulses, don’t you? It’s all part of being a girl.
    May 24, 2004 424