Confused? Who am I

• Posted by Jodie Yerington June 19, 2015 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs #  #being a girl in guys body  1,132 views
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  Confused?  Who am I? 

   

  I am a man who should have been born a girl.  As a child I did not like boy play.  I preferred girl’s styles.  I believe that I was more mature at an early age reading a lot like girls.  I lived in a neighborhood of boys (most of whom ended up gay) and girls who played nice.  We did play with legos and trains; but we also played house and did crafts.  We never played rough boy sports.  My first bad boy experience was baseball.  I could not pitch, hit, throw, and I was afraid of the ball.  I eventually quit and went back to playing with the neighbors.  In third grade, I switched schools and suddenly was confronted with school sports.  Many of the girls were better than me.  However, I was a top student and very organized.   I was an avid reader including reading all of the Little House on the Prairie books written from Laura’s point of view.  I could not play boys sports and struggled to fit in with groups of boys.  For example at summer camp, I escaped boy things and spent all of my time doing crafts.  I did not fit in at camp.  In Junior High, gym was my most hated class.  I was teased and could not do any sports very well.  I had a kid who picked on me every day throwing punches at me.  I did not know what to do.  It went on for months.  Eventually, I fought him to a draw and it ended.  I also quit getting good grades in order to fit in for three disasterous years.  I am confident that this never would have happened if I had been able to be a girl.  In ninth grade, I decided to overcome my obstacles by playing football.  I was of course too small.   I could not do this flip thing so even the coaches laughed at me while they made me try do it over and over.  I did not quit.  Later, in high school I adapted managing to fit in as a male, but was never really popular because I was not masculine enough.  Dating was a nightmare.  I hated to be the one to ask girls out and be rejected, oh to have been the girl instead!  Art was my favorite class where I sat with girls as equals.  When I read the Diary of Ann Frank, I thought that I really could relate to her feelings as a girl.  When I read books with a female as the main character, I am that character.  It also turned out that my best friend growing up was gay, another escape from boy play.

  I have always wanted to look like a girl.  In seventh grade, we went to Mexica and I got a silver necklace.  I remember liking to wear it because it made me feel more like a girl.  In high school, I tried to fit in by dressing nicer and looking better, blowing my hair dry, etc.   I wore boy cloths; but I remember looking at girls color combinations and comparing myself and matching them.  In college, I bought a white hoody for myself because I liked the way it looked on girls; after I got it I felt good looking more like a girl.  No one knew.  Even now I like to lose weight because it is healthier; but it also makes me feel more like a girl; and I like that!

  Eventually, I dated.  I found more success with girls by being more like a girl.  I had a serious girlfriend in college.  We did everything together.   Again, we were both doing female things, cooking, etc.

  I lived by myself after college for many years and became self sufficient doing traditional male and female jobs.  Later, I got married and had kids.  We had a good relationship for a few years.  After that,  we lost interest in each other.

  Since that time we have raised our daughters.  I am their Dad, but I am not sure if I am not a Mom too?  I have cooked, cleaned, done their laundry made their school lunches, breakfasts, driven them all over, etc.  I have worked out of my house for the last 20 years.  My life is like a stay at home mom except I also do many business things.  When I think of it, I have already adopted a female lifestyle except I don’t dress the part.

  I paid a severe price for my divorce and have been scared ever since.   But, even with women who I like, I am not sure about my sexual attraction to them.  So, I thought that I might be gay since I am attracted to one part of the male body.  I then started examining it further taking sexuality tests.  I realized that I am not attracted to men at all except one very important part. When I examined it further, I realized that I am also transgender because I feel more like a girl.  But, I have not felt the need to change my sex so far.  I am trying to figure this out.  I am thinking that I would be happy with a transgender women.  But, I don’t know for sure.

  I am really happy that I am figuring this out.  We all have to be who we are. 

  I have been successful in my career.  I think that part of my success came from the adversity of being a male early in my life.  I became tough.  I have done well and am creative with business.  In my wildest thoughts until now I never attributed it to my really being a girl.  But, I think that there is something to that.  I need to think about it more.  Go Girls Go!

   

  What do you think?