|
|
|
Notifications
|
|
|
|
It's around noon. I'm sitting in my big overstuffed green lazy boy chair with my laptop on my...well, my lap. I wanted to go walking , but my back is protesting. Protesting a LOT. So, the pain killers are hitting now as I make the trade-off every time I take pain killers: Kills the pain, gives me a weird, unnatural feeling tummy ache. At this point, I'll take the tummy ache.
I'm trying to deal with a problem that has been with me for years, I'm sure, since I've surrounded myself with a very few people and have not stepped outside that comfort zone. Tulsa has a decent LGBT community with several bars and I know a fair number of people around the area. Still, when I went to a couple of bars, this terrible feeling came over me. The only way I can describe it is to say that it feels like there is a bubble between myself and the rest of the world. It's all I can do to keep from crying.
So now I'm on a generic medication for Wellbutrin. I've been on this new med for about a week. My doc said the drug needs to build up in my system. I'm glad that is the case, because the crying jags are still with me and I can't even justify leaving my apartment if I can't keep it together that long.
My new therapist thinks I am beginning to despair over the up-in-the-air-ness of where SRS is for me. That is, limbo. So, I cry and I can't sleep and I just want to be done with this lease and move back to Iowa where at least I have friends who love me.
My mind is jumbled and I don't feel like I can trust my judgments at this point. I want to get out there into the dating pool. I want to so much. I don't know what happened, but I've rarely felt so helpless.
Rapidly approaching 100 kg. At about 101 right now. I think I did my math right. I'm about 222 or so.
I will write more soon. Swear.
Z
(Just found the blogs section, so I relocated it here.)
