Hi.
Firstly, please don't be alarmed by what you are about to read. This is a passage and I will move on from it.
Rachel is fine, indeed she feels affirmed, looks great and doesnt' want to go anywhere. Richard on the other hand (there, I've said it, a big bloomin step) is in a real state. He is emasculated, ripped apart and half the woman he could be because he's a faltering man who spends the majority of his time in a state of disregard and disillusionment. Rachel is the dominant partner, the life and the soul the pace the vibrant tick-tock, the dreamer the aspirational poet the confident confidant and the fashionable dare I say sexual being that possesses soul and life. Richard is charming but spent, lacking in self-confidence retreating into a reclusive haf life where he looks at his male peers doesn't understand them or wish to be like them and so falls behind in the chiff-chaff battering of the egotistical bluffing that dominates his working environment. Rachel can see through all of this because she thinks clearly. Her self-confidence enables her to determine a path through the day but this only charts a route towards a dreamland, a pertpetual state of support that is beyond reach and so this perceivable and yet unachieved state mocks, taunts and screws into her other half's day.
Rachel it must be said, has drunk two thirds of a bottle of wine. She's not drunk and alarming as a result, but she is fluid, open expressive and communicative. She strapped up and tucked away, wearing new skinny jeans with bosoms that yearn to be real and borrowed perfume. Her wardrobe - which is growing and now resides in the loft - I have a stash, I have a stash, is contemporary and purchased in person. Her make-up is now her own and her composition is better formed, more articuate and understood than it has ever been.
She has taken photos (again!) but cannot launch them into the world because Gender Society's photo albums are not currently yielding and have turned their back. She has considered walking out into the night, a trip around the block for the first time, but dare not. Riots have happened here recently, so better not start another.
Rachel / Richard needs help in truth. There are people here that I call friends and whose shoulders I would like to burst into tears upon. If you are capable of this support do let me know, I can travel for this. Rachel isn't a selfish b***h (although this reads otherwise, infact I know she's grateful, expressive forgiving and empathetic. Any help provided would be returned with earnest and heartfelt thanks. Rachel could become a friend for life, Richard too.
If you are reading this and have yet to come out and broach the reality of who you really are, then I hope that this gives you the momentum to move forward and not be like this in the future. If you are reading this having come out, transitioned even, then I hope it provides you with a momentunm to reflect and to celebrate what you are now, how far you have travelled and what you now are not.
I said at the beginning not to be alarmed. I am and we are but that it our challenge to deal with. I should copy this post and send it to my Gender Therapist with the headline, 'Transition Required, Bridging Hormones to commence ASAP.'
I am a woman and like a moth I flutter lively in the artificial environment of the evening. By day I am flat, still and prone to easy disintegration.
Thank you for reading, and oh do write a blog or too because it's easier than you think to find peace through a passage or two.
Take care
Rachel x
