So I find myself on gardening leave, during consultation about my prospective redundancy. It was coming and it happened. The initiative has been taken away from me, and so I must pursue a new position with a clock ticking in the background. Ultimately it's good news I tell myself, because a change was necessary.
Change of course is always on my mind, and I have a track history (perhaps tran-history is better) of not taking the initiative. But I now have time on my hands and an opportunity to return to a default setting, and I want to spend the days dressed, made-up and at peace.
I have spent valuable 'professional' time on here, researching Gender Therapists, looking at clothes, bathing and fussing, falling into myself.
To secure a new job I will need to be focused, clear-headed and convincing. If Rachel becomes ever more present my ability to do that may diminish significantly. I suspect that Rachel may have already contributed to my current situation though, she's perhaps taken the edge of, softening, opened and made me a more considerate 'male'.
This is turning into a blog isn't it? (so ultimately that's where I decide to locate it..)
So my gardening time is a predicament. With each glance out of the window another errant leaf drifts onto a previously tidy plot. I need to focus upon the bigger picture for a moment and secure an income for the future, but that's a big challenge when another pull towards a change is so strong.
The desire to prune, rake and present is very, very strong indeed. But if I am to maintain my masculine professional facade, I'm afraid that I have to leave it this Autumn.
Wrap up. It's forecast to be getting cooler.
Rachel x
November 9, 2013- -
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