I feel, it's gone

• Posted by Rachel de Blanc May 11, 2017 958 views
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  Hi

  I haven't blogged for a while, so my apologies for that. I've voyeuristically visited her and take delight a seeing names of friends that I recognise and I look with absolute wonder as I see people journey from timidity and concern to open, confident realisation of their true self. That's lovely to behold.

  Remarkably my membership tells me that I am mid-way through my tenth year upon this site. I think I changed my description from Transvestite to Transexual after perhaps a year, but it was a much delayed written definition. So what on earth have I been playing at since, why I have failed to physical reconcile with my mind and spirit? Because I am a coward, oh, and because I am an 'honourable man'.

  There is no doubt that the veil of masculinity has slipped away, within my mind at least. My brain has disengaged with any attempt to be one of the boys and so I'm a peripheral male with an eye for all that is lady's. My son is upstairs asleep, my wife away and here I sit dressed, made-up and oh so content and at ease. Should the child upstairs awake then this will be a dream filled night for us both, one of us living the nightmare of exposure.

  I would commence upon Hormones tomorrow, now. My hair, recently cut doesn't currently require a wig to proclaim that gender of the head from which it sprouts. My breasts are false but the heart beneath connects to the mounds emphatically and pulls them close.

  I am thinking clearly, warmly, openly, positively and communicating with passion and freedom. I'm not thinking too much about what to type next, I'm watching the typos and this is where the stuttering takes hold. I'd like to be in a room, in a group now with Crissie, Katie, Lucy and friends knocking back a glass of wine perhaps and but in full release, with laughter hugs and undoubtably tears too.

  Next week I have enquired about attending a Transgender Support Group and should I attend this would be the first occasion where Rachel would introduce herself to a group, as a person rather than a online commodity. But will I go? 50:50 at the moment because I'm a coward upon the verge of a breakdown and an honorary man who has lost his masulinity and without which may be nobody.

  But that is wrong of course, because I'm a woman called Rachel. It's just that nobody knows and the isolation is slowly killing me.

  Warm Hugs

  Rachel x