Oscillate Wildly

• Posted by Rachel de Blanc August 15, 2017 #Elliptical  1,092 views
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  Hi

  I owe gratitude to Morrissey the author of the song 'Oscillate Wildly' - it's only polite to acknowledge those from whom you steal.

  I would say that I am now a constant woman. This perhaps hasn't always been the case and is worthy of a separate conversation, but that is what I am. The need to physically engage with my gender to prove and exhibit it isn't and cannot be constant though, and so I oscillate wildly. When I can secure those moments I focus upon their arrival and use the time available intensively, almost to the exclusion of everything else. When the moment passes I mournfully pack things away and skulk back into ordinary life and depression's shadow follows me occasionally.

  I think my orbit is becoming more pronounced, the swings more exaggerated. This is also true in my apparent gender. I find myself pursuing somewhat random masculine traits. Not binge drinking and a game of darts for goodness sake, but the pursuit of physical activity, one off purchases, lad's stuff. But the interest in the masculine bias diminishes very rapidly, these are not purchases that are profound and necessary, they are typically superficial and vapid.

  When I oscillate and orbit back into my own woman's world I find sanctity, objectiveness calmness and ease. The need here is becoming more exaggerated too. Gently plucked eyebrows, cautious body shaving, longer hair all knowingly coutoured - this is becoming tricker, endures longer. Counselling has commenced with the possibility of Hormones on the horizon, this circle is getting larger and the pull is getting stronger.

  I oscillate wildly but the person on the ride is a woman and whilst she may not speak for part of the orbit, she ain't going to go quietly.

  Rachel x