Looking me squarely in the eye

• Posted by Rachel de Blanc November 25, 2009 Filed in Society Girl's Personal Blogs 1,274 views
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  Recently, somebody used the word ‘wannabe’ within an ongoing thread. It was contained within a well-considered comment and used without malice, but for me it jumped out of the screen and struck me deftly on the jaw. That contribution – like the best on this site, was honest, without prejudice and frank. Things that make you think.
  
  I traced the thread backwards and found further clarity. Women were sharing, informing and learning from one-another. A link to a medical definition allowed me to read – once again, a clinical definition of what it means to be a Transsexual.
  
  Words come easily and terminology can be clearly stated, but living is trickier. This week, I’ve had the opportunity – resulting from privacy, to dress, to play with cosmetics and to interrogate my make-up. Posted here, the photographs may well appear to be a vainglorious attempt to grab attention, and I admit that I hope a few people will look at them. But for me, and most importantly they survive as something for me to consider.
  
  I look at the photos and wish that the wig was actually real hair, I wish that the shapes were softer, and I wish that such femininity could surface without the delicate application of make-up. But I cannot ignore that I look happy, expressive, relaxed. So I wonder is this a wannabe in denial, a snap happy opportunist a fraudster? Optimistically I wonder is it a well-balanced person who through misfortune is a transsexual?
  
  Months ago I researched Gender Specialists local to where I live, enquired then opted to not attend. I should have, because not doing is no longer good enough.