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  • 25 Mar 2013
    Hi All,   So sorry this has been over a year in the writing, but the next stage of my story is here.   As I have explained in my earlier blogs, Mrs T and I hit a bit of an armageddon a few months back when I thought it was all over as I simply couldn't ignore Kati any longer. 13 years of a very happy marriage was great for both of us, but the suppression was slowly killing me. We talked stiltedly and decided that we ought to have a proper evening where we talked about the whole issue properly. This resulted in a massive awakening for both of us, and it turned out that a; I wasn't going to spring a transition onto my wife, and b; she wasn't really too bothered about my dressing.   Moving on a year, we are still not terribly comfortable talking about my alternative personality, but I do press the issue and we do talk rationally about it.   We recently went to a hotel where we talked long and openly about it, ending in me showing Mrs T a picture of me as Kati (although wearing an old discarded dress of hers, and not, as I had planned, wearing clothes that were nothing to do with our relationship.) This seemed to go very well, and we ended the evening intimately with both of us wearing some amount of clothing normally assigned to women. The next few days, however, were difficult and ended in Mrs T getting quite emotional and me realising that we had gone way too far way too fast. My desire to be me totally, overtook our desire to be a normal couple.   For now, we have taken a step back, but I am hopeful for the future.   With extra small steps, using Mrs T as a guide, we will get to somewhere where we are both happy and accepting. It is difficult for me, as I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, but it is also difficult for Mrs T as she wants the tunnel not to end. In fact, she would prefer there were no tunnel to begin with, but is dealing with the fact that she will be in it for the forseeable future. I wish the tunnel were never even built and that both ends flowed seamlessly into each other.   It's a difficult time, but I know I am blessed with a loving wife who really does want to understand better. I am doing everything I can to help her, but must always remember that pushing her forward will only make us move backwards.   Tough old life, but I wouldn't change it for the world. Lots of love and hugs to you all.   Kati xxx
    2531 Posted by Kati Davies
  • 15 Feb 2012
    Fifteen and a half years ago I met an amazing woman. Incredible. She was everything I had ever wanted to find, and for some reason she seemed to like me too. A short time after we met, I told her about Kati, and although she didn’t immediately take me shopping or put make-up on me, she did seem to accept that I was a little different, and not much was said about it. We had a couple of other conversations about me over the next few months, mostly when we were quite drunk. She wasn’t keen on the feminine side of me, but perhaps in time she could come to terms with it.   We married, and have been very happy together since then. A few ups and downs as all relationships have, but mostly ups, and plenty of them.   Our conversations about Kati have been sporadic, and stilted. I have tried to keep this side of my life separate from our home life, and that seems to work. I have noticed, however, that it is becoming an elephant in the room. Whenever there is mention of cross-dressing on television or a conversation heads a little that way, we both clam up and try to avoid the topic. Because of this, I wanted to bring the subject up and for the past 18 months or so I have been trying to find a time, and a way to do that.   That time arrived two nights ago. I had convinced myself that it was my hangups that were driving this uncomfortableness and that if were were just to talk about it then we could at least move on and accept what we had known for all these years. Talking about it, after all, was really all that we needed for me to let her know more about me.    But waiting 15 years for her to come to terms with me seems to have been pointless. I would like to say we are back to square one, but in all honesty it seems a lot worse than that. Our conversation involved quite a few tears and quite a lot of “it feels like you are having an affair”. I simply don’t understand why talking about it regularly and in a calm matter-of-fact manner couldn’t address this.   I’m pretty low. I am finding it difficult to find the good in this situation. I do hope there is some that I can rescue at some point, but for now I just feel empty; the thing I had waited for so patiently - acceptance - has been whipped away from me and I simply don’t know what the next step should be.   Any comments would, as ever, be very much appreciated.   Love and hugs   Kati x
    2126 Posted by Kati Davies
1,779 views Feb 18, 2012
The Occasional Crossdresser 5

In my last blog entry, I didn’t know where I was. I was utterly lost and thought in my heart of hearts that my relationship with my wife was close to being over. We had had an awful discussion about Kati, and it had left me cold, alone, and dejected. I stayed like this for 2 days and nights; on the second night I wrote the blog as I awoke at 2am unable to sleep.

 

Having written and posted that, I received some truly wonderful advice and support from girls like me, who had been through similar situations. Knowing I had friends and that I wasn’t the only one feeling like this meant so much to me.

 

I went back to our bedroom, showered, and started to get dressed. My wife asked me what had been keeping me up not sleeping, and I told her that it was because of what we had talked about the other night. She said “Oh...” and I thought that was it. I carried on dressing in silence, holding back the tears, and as I started to leave the bedroom she hugged me. We spoke stiltedly about what had been said before, and she seemed more open to talking. We made a date to talk it all through properly, at a restaurant, in 3 days time.

 

It felt like a huge weight had been removed from around my neck, and for the next few days we had been getting along really well, as we always have, but for me the knowledge of our upcoming chat was all-encompassing. This could be the one and only opportunity I have to talk openly about being a Crossdresser, and I needed to make sure it didn’t work against me.

 

Last night we met in All Bar One in Brighton, Mrs Tabbikat’s suggestion as it is noisy, so our conversation wouldn’t be overheard. Small talk got us over the time before the food arrived, and then she looked at me, smiled, and said, “come on then...”

 

I said I’d like to start from the beginning. As we have had many short conversations about the subject, usually ending in tears from one or both sides, it was very likely that her knowledge of the situation was not complete, nor mine of her attitude towards it.

 

I began by saying “I am a Crossdresser” and went on to explain that this is the currently accepted term, and that “Transvestite” is being phased out as it is quite often used in a defamatory way. I then explained about the trans spectrum; from a guy that might one day be wearing an earring at one end, to someone who identifies themselves as in the wrong gender from birth at the other end. I identify as somewhere in the middle currently, although it is a sliding scale, and I can’t guarantee I’ll always be there. Then I moved on to what I have always alikened to ‘waves’ of feelings towards dressing - some weeks or months it is a very strong urge and occupies most of my thoughts, other times it is a very latent calling. I mentioned during this that I was trying not to use the word “Desire” as that gives the wrong connotation.

 

Moving on, and with Mrs T seeming very open to my frank analysis, I then brought up the issue of sex v gender. I stressed that this isn’t about sexuality, but about gender, although historically the two have become so mixed together in my head from puberty through to a lifetime of suppression. This also leads to another problem - that when I have been drinking, I get fewer inhibitions, and also more excitement from dressing. This coupled with the fact that I find talking about CrossDressing a very difficult thing to do unless I have had a few drinks has made me come across entirely falsely whenever all I really wanted to do was talk about me!

 

It was then Mrs T’s turn to join in as she had allowed me the time and space to get all this out without interrupting. 

 

Her side of things was precisely what I had feared - whenever I wanted to talk about my female side, I did it either as wanting to include some aspect of it in the bedroom, or worse, she thought I was telling her I was unhappy with who I was and needed to change and live life as a woman. Her natural defence to this was to utterly ignore the whole subject and carry on as if it didn’t exist.

 

We talked around this for some time, and have made such astonishing ground. She has never spoken to anybody about her husband the crossdresser, but I have told many people, and each time I do, it gets easier and more affirming. We spoke about her moving on and doing just that - that talking to a friend about me, and about how she felt would be a really helpful step. I also mentioned the book “My Husband Betty” and she said she thought it would be a good idea if she read that.

 

At this point I wanted to pull the reins in. It would have been very easy for me to follow my desires and try to cross more and more bridges. I knew that by doing that I could well take us back a step. This is going to be a slow gradual process, and I need to give her all the space and time she needs to come to her happy place with it.

 

We chatted a bit about clothes and shopping, and flitted in and out of other conversations, returning occasionally to the hot topic, but it felt so natural to do that, and wasn’t stilted the way it always has been before.

 

This morning I ordered Helen Boyd’s book, and told Mrs T about it. We spoke some more in a calm and natural way. 

 

There’s a long way to go, but the door has been opened, and at last I am able to stop pretending who I am to the person who I care about the most.

 

It’s going to be an interesting journey from here, and I shall fill you all in as I go along.

 

Kati xx



Comments

3 comments
  • simone schneider
    simone schneider I feel your pain, my wife and I have had several ofthose kind of talks,love you!!!!
    February 18, 2012 - Report
  • Debbie Davies
    Debbie Davies Kati, i really wanted to reply to your earlier blog, but i just couldnt find the words. im SO happy that you and your S.O sat down and talked.
    like Simone, ive had several of these talks since i "came out" in october.and unfortunately i made the mistake...  more
    February 18, 2012 - Report
  • Kati Davies
    Kati Davies Hi Simone, Corinna, Debbie & Michelle, thank you for taking the time to reply. I think the one common piece of advice from you all is take all the time Mrs T needs. I am grateful for that. It would be so easy for me to muck this up now by being too eager...  more
    February 19, 2012 - 1 likes this - Report