Hello Ladies - A new entry from the Cosmic Girl, Briana Purcell ( Q ) and her quest at being herself!
Wow, it has been going on 8 months since starting hormones at this writing and again wow - there are many things to talk about. The dosages have been increased a great deal and I am more and more being seen as a woman even without makeup ( yipee ). My numbers are awesome - I am in some sort of mid range for most women in terms of estrogen level and my testosterone level is extremely low. I certainly need a bra, which is one of the clearest and obvious things that are changing. As noted by many other girls here for those looking at such things, yes there is some level of aching and sensitivity, particularly the nipples. My butt is certainly bigger and I needed new pants! ( Yikes ). My skin is quite smooth, soft. I seem to have a bit of a curve to my body too ( I have always been such a pencil - I am so happy at this new development ). There are many subtle and small changes but I really notice a difference as do many others. I seem to look years younger for example. I did have to buy a few new clothes as I went up a size or so ( oops ). I have posted some of the new items over the last few months ( take a look and let me know ). Like many girls have noted in their hormones over time, there are some times of crying over some things - I am a bit of a softie and always have been. It can be pictures of animals, scenes even in a TV show which of course is fiction yet when two people touch in a needed hug ( I am definitely a hugger ) I have a few happy tear problems.
I remember when I first came out to myself 5 years back and have only been happier and evolving into the person I have always been in my mind. At the time I came out I considered a coffee/tea party with cookies and crackers for guests in my announcement. With all these things happening, I am considering it all the more these days. - I am definitely a bit of a girly girl and I love it. This includes not only clothes, but music, jewelry, shows I watch, et al.
I will return to many things in a moment, but I will also note some interesting things. I ask myself, did I suddenly gain personal confidence, a clear sense of self? I notice I am extremely clear-headed, level-headed, very perceptive on both objective as well as emotional levels and issues in myself and others. I notice I clearly understand and am my identity as a woman. This was a conflict all through my life from childhood - seeing a given girl or woman on TV in a movie, as a news anchor et al and suddenly inside I'm saying to myself - I like that outfit, her hair, I love that personality. Instead of any conflict or question, the interesting thing today is this : I am who I am, a woman, simple as that with my own philosophy, personality, likes and the like. - To see more look to my earlier blogs in this evolution and the need to be and finding me.
Also in regards to the confidence, one day I simply decided to put on a bra, as it is needed and wear it regularly - even around many of the people I have yet to even come out to and discuss these matters with, such as my parents. I rent from them in the some home and see them, therefore, quite regularly, yet they are perfectly fine without even asking with me - I have come to find out that my brother even knows. Thus far there is reasonable peace in the valley, fingers crossed.
An interesting thing in telling someone occurred when I was at my parents place itself when they had a cousin who does repairs over. He has known me from the past, so clearly this was new, yet he said nothing, so i asked him 'any questions' - he said 'nope' - I of course noted I needed to come out and be myself - he noted that we should all do what makes us happy and he is okay with it.
I walk in the neighborhood, go to the store, pharmacy, the doctor's, the bank, et al as me. I have done my nails, and I mean toes and fingers ( i like many spent years doing toes and keep them rather hidden ) and thankfully the weather is nice enough to have open toe shoes, so this girl shines! One of the tellers at the bank even notes that red must be my color when I saw Jennifer and she calls me by my name, Briana, when I come in the door - she even asked me two years back what do i call myself by name. At the doctor's office ( and I see a few of them for various things ) docs, nurses, et al see me as me - way cool! : )
Interestingly I did a rather long search on facebook the other day. I am considering telling my oldest friend from high school, but still have worries - though he is a great guy. Funny aside story is that we were born a day apart in the same hospital and graduated valedictorian ( him ) and salutatorian ( me ). Nevertheless, I write to him each year with birthday wishes, much like the girls here, and I send it the day before, I am an old school girl with timing where I want to give one the time to look at it then, or the day of their birthday or when they find time. As I signed my name, I wrote my name ( Briana ) - I had to fix that but that has become a bit more common these days. In the case of his facebook entry and considering to tell him I wanted to know more about him and who he knows. I researched his friend list, traced it back to a discussion group of people in high school and viola I came across a person with a girl's name but a last name of a boy I knew in high school. This put me on a longer search and I found an older listing and her newest one when she emerges - she is gorgeous, successful and a great gal. I hesitantly left one question after another and finally said I need to know, were you *** in high school - I need to know as I too am transgender! - She wrote back, we are now friends on facebook, exchanged email addresses, et al - life is too beautiful sometimes.
There are many things yet to do ( personally of course ) and with regards to finding friends and coming out to a few key people yet, but these areas are strongly in development. A fun thing I did was get a calendar and I put information on the dates on there when things happen ( note I use it for all years, so I put down the year too ). This year is a continuous stream unlike the periodic pieces in the past. Nothing is better than being yourself.
I bought a great book, though written for kids, Be Who You Are on Amazon - I smiled and cried looking at the cover where the young person sees the girl she is in the mirror, it reminded me of me so much. I even have a write up about that and the book on Amazon in a review and give my name. These sort of books give me hope for the future. I have even did a dress and slippers reviews on two different sites with my name and pictures even. I regularly sign various petition letters on matters on health care, children, education, the environment that go to various US Senators and the like, they write back, use my name - I even sent a personal email to one telling her that I came out this year - her letters always start 'Dear Briana'. I have applies to jobs as myself, receive mail in my name quite regularly these days, and it continues. Nothing yet on the jobs front, but who knows? Still searching.
I will clearly add to this entry as time goes by and even write further ones - the items are too numerous in terms of changes, events - I plan to do some scoping ( using my telescope ) in the front yard - totally as myself in the near future ( really a Cosmic Girl ) for example. I am thinking of visiting a few of those sewing and hobby stores to look into thing I like - I am not only thinking of trying but also joining small groups of women in these things. Sounds like fun.
I cannot thank this place and the people here, particularly my friends here enough for their support, it has been a great source of strength, inspiration, and I have hopes for all of us girls here.
Great Health, Hope, Harmony, and Happiness Always.
All the best in your journeys!
Take Care,
Hugs, Briana Purcell : )
By Donna V 
