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  • 11 May 2018
    Hello Ladies - A new entry from the Cosmic Girl, Briana Purcell ( Q ) and her quest at being herself! Wow, it has been going on 8 months since starting hormones at this writing and again wow - there are many things to talk about. The dosages have been increased a great deal and I am more and more being seen as a woman even without makeup ( yipee ). My numbers are awesome - I am in some sort of mid range for most women in terms of estrogen level and my testosterone level is extremely low. I certainly need a bra, which is one of the clearest and obvious things that are changing. As noted by many other girls here for those looking at such things, yes there is some level of aching and sensitivity, particularly the nipples. My butt is certainly bigger and I needed new pants! ( Yikes ). My skin is quite smooth, soft. I seem to have a bit of a curve to my body too ( I have always been such a pencil - I am so happy at this new development ). There are many subtle and small changes but I really notice a difference as do many others. I seem to look years younger for example. I did have to buy a few new clothes as I went up a size or so ( oops ).  I have posted some of the new items over the last few months ( take a look and let me know ). Like many girls have noted in their hormones over time, there are some times of crying over some things - I am a bit of a softie and always have been. It can be pictures of animals, scenes even in a TV show which of course is fiction yet when two people touch in a needed hug ( I am definitely a hugger ) I have a few happy tear problems.   I remember when I first came out to myself 5 years back and have only been happier and evolving into the person I have always been in my mind. At the time I came out I considered a coffee/tea party with cookies and crackers for guests in my announcement. With all these things happening, I am considering it all the more these days. - I am definitely a bit of a girly girl and I love it. This includes not only clothes, but music, jewelry, shows I watch, et al. I will return to many things in a moment, but I will also note some interesting things. I ask myself, did I suddenly gain personal confidence, a clear sense of self? I notice I am extremely clear-headed, level-headed, very perceptive on both objective as well as emotional levels and issues in myself and others. I notice I clearly understand and am my identity as a woman. This was a conflict all through my life from childhood - seeing a given girl or woman on TV in a movie, as a news anchor et al and suddenly inside I'm saying to myself - I like that outfit, her hair, I love that personality. Instead of any conflict or question, the interesting thing today is this : I am who I am, a woman, simple as that with my own philosophy, personality, likes and the like. - To see more look to my earlier blogs in this evolution and the need to be and finding me.  Also in regards to the confidence, one day I simply decided to put on a bra, as it is needed and wear it regularly - even around many of the people I have yet to even come out to and discuss these matters with, such as my parents. I rent from them in the some home and see them, therefore, quite regularly, yet they are perfectly fine without even asking with me - I have come to find out that my brother even knows. Thus far there is reasonable peace in the valley, fingers crossed. An interesting thing in telling someone occurred when I was at my parents place itself when they had a cousin who does repairs over. He has known me from the past, so clearly this was new, yet he said nothing, so i asked him 'any questions' - he said 'nope' - I of course noted I needed to come out and be myself - he noted that we should all do what makes us happy and he is okay with it.  I walk in the neighborhood, go to the store, pharmacy, the doctor's, the bank, et al as me. I have done my nails, and I mean toes and fingers ( i like many spent years doing toes and keep them rather hidden ) and thankfully the weather is nice enough to have open toe shoes, so this girl shines! One of the tellers at the bank even notes that red must be my color when I saw Jennifer and she calls me by my name, Briana, when I come in the door - she even asked me two years back what do i call myself by name. At the doctor's office ( and I see a few of them for various things ) docs, nurses, et al see me as me - way cool! : ) Interestingly I did a rather long search on facebook the other day. I am considering telling my oldest friend from high school, but still have worries - though he is a great guy. Funny aside story is that we were born a day apart in the same hospital and graduated valedictorian ( him ) and salutatorian ( me ). Nevertheless, I write to him each year with birthday wishes, much like the girls here, and I send it the day before, I am an old school girl with timing where I want to give one the time to look at it then, or the day of their birthday or when they find time. As I signed my name, I wrote my name ( Briana ) - I had to fix that but that has become a bit more common these days. In the case of his facebook entry and considering to tell him I wanted to know more about him and who he knows. I researched his friend list, traced it back to a discussion group of people in high school and viola I came across a person with a girl's name but a last name of a boy I knew in high school. This put me on a longer search and I found an older listing and her newest one when she emerges - she is gorgeous, successful and a great gal. I hesitantly left one question after another and finally said I need to know, were you *** in high school - I need to know as I too am transgender! - She wrote back, we are now friends on facebook, exchanged email addresses, et al - life is too beautiful  sometimes.  There are many things yet to do ( personally of course ) and with regards to finding friends and coming out to a few key people yet, but these areas are strongly in development. A fun thing I did was get a calendar and I put information on the dates on there when things happen ( note I use it for all years, so I put down the year too ). This year is a continuous stream unlike the periodic pieces in the past. Nothing is better than being yourself.  I bought a great book, though written for kids, Be Who You Are on Amazon - I smiled and cried looking at the cover where the young person sees the girl she is in the mirror, it reminded me of me so much. I even have a write up about that and the book on Amazon in a review and give my name. These sort of books give me hope for the future. I have even did a dress and slippers reviews on two different sites with my name and pictures even. I regularly sign various petition letters on matters on health care, children, education, the environment that go to various US Senators and the like, they write back, use my name - I even sent a personal email to one telling her that I came out this year - her letters always start 'Dear Briana'. I have applies to jobs as myself, receive mail in my name quite regularly these days, and it continues. Nothing yet on the jobs front, but who knows? Still searching. I will clearly add to this entry as time goes by and even write further ones - the items are too numerous in terms of changes, events - I plan to do some scoping ( using my telescope ) in the front yard - totally as myself in the near future ( really a Cosmic Girl )  for example. I am thinking of visiting a few of those sewing and hobby stores to look into thing I like - I am not only thinking of trying but also joining small groups of women in these things. Sounds like fun.  I cannot thank this place and the people here, particularly my friends here enough for their support, it has been a great source of strength, inspiration, and I have hopes for all of us girls here. Great Health, Hope, Harmony, and Happiness Always. All the best in your journeys! Take Care, Hugs, Briana Purcell : )  
    1185 Posted by Briana Purcell
  • Hello Ladies - A new entry from the Cosmic Girl, Briana Purcell ( Q ) and her quest at being herself! Wow, it has been going on 8 months since starting hormones at this writing and again wow - there are many things to talk about. The dosages have been increased a great deal and I am more and more being seen as a woman even without makeup ( yipee ). My numbers are awesome - I am in some sort of mid range for most women in terms of estrogen level and my testosterone level is extremely low. I certainly need a bra, which is one of the clearest and obvious things that are changing. As noted by many other girls here for those looking at such things, yes there is some level of aching and sensitivity, particularly the nipples. My butt is certainly bigger and I needed new pants! ( Yikes ). My skin is quite smooth, soft. I seem to have a bit of a curve to my body too ( I have always been such a pencil - I am so happy at this new development ). There are many subtle and small changes but I really notice a difference as do many others. I seem to look years younger for example. I did have to buy a few new clothes as I went up a size or so ( oops ).  I have posted some of the new items over the last few months ( take a look and let me know ). Like many girls have noted in their hormones over time, there are some times of crying over some things - I am a bit of a softie and always have been. It can be pictures of animals, scenes even in a TV show which of course is fiction yet when two people touch in a needed hug ( I am definitely a hugger ) I have a few happy tear problems.   I remember when I first came out to myself 5 years back and have only been happier and evolving into the person I have always been in my mind. At the time I came out I considered a coffee/tea party with cookies and crackers for guests in my announcement. With all these things happening, I am considering it all the more these days. - I am definitely a bit of a girly girl and I love it. This includes not only clothes, but music, jewelry, shows I watch, et al. I will return to many things in a moment, but I will also note some interesting things. I ask myself, did I suddenly gain personal confidence, a clear sense of self? I notice I am extremely clear-headed, level-headed, very perceptive on both objective as well as emotional levels and issues in myself and others. I notice I clearly understand and am my identity as a woman. This was a conflict all through my life from childhood - seeing a given girl or woman on TV in a movie, as a news anchor et al and suddenly inside I'm saying to myself - I like that outfit, her hair, I love that personality. Instead of any conflict or question, the interesting thing today is this : I am who I am, a woman, simple as that with my own philosophy, personality, likes and the like. - To see more look to my earlier blogs in this evolution and the need to be and finding me.  Also in regards to the confidence, one day I simply decided to put on a bra, as it is needed and wear it regularly - even around many of the people I have yet to even come out to and discuss these matters with, such as my parents. I rent from them in the some home and see them, therefore, quite regularly, yet they are perfectly fine without even asking with me - I have come to find out that my brother even knows. Thus far there is reasonable peace in the valley, fingers crossed. An interesting thing in telling someone occurred when I was at my parents place itself when they had a cousin who does repairs over. He has known me from the past, so clearly this was new, yet he said nothing, so i asked him 'any questions' - he said 'nope' - I of course noted I needed to come out and be myself - he noted that we should all do what makes us happy and he is okay with it.  I walk in the neighborhood, go to the store, pharmacy, the doctor's, the bank, et al as me. I have done my nails, and I mean toes and fingers ( i like many spent years doing toes and keep them rather hidden ) and thankfully the weather is nice enough to have open toe shoes, so this girl shines! One of the tellers at the bank even notes that red must be my color when I saw Jennifer and she calls me by my name, Briana, when I come in the door - she even asked me two years back what do i call myself by name. At the doctor's office ( and I see a few of them for various things ) docs, nurses, et al see me as me - way cool! : ) Interestingly I did a rather long search on facebook the other day. I am considering telling my oldest friend from high school, but still have worries - though he is a great guy. Funny aside story is that we were born a day apart in the same hospital and graduated valedictorian ( him ) and salutatorian ( me ). Nevertheless, I write to him each year with birthday wishes, much like the girls here, and I send it the day before, I am an old school girl with timing where I want to give one the time to look at it then, or the day of their birthday or when they find time. As I signed my name, I wrote my name ( Briana ) - I had to fix that but that has become a bit more common these days. In the case of his facebook entry and considering to tell him I wanted to know more about him and who he knows. I researched his friend list, traced it back to a discussion group of people in high school and viola I came across a person with a girl's name but a last name of a boy I knew in high school. This put me on a longer search and I found an older listing and her newest one when she emerges - she is gorgeous, successful and a great gal. I hesitantly left one question after another and finally said I need to know, were you *** in high school - I need to know as I too am transgender! - She wrote back, we are now friends on facebook, exchanged email addresses, et al - life is too beautiful  sometimes.  There are many things yet to do ( personally of course ) and with regards to finding friends and coming out to a few key people yet, but these areas are strongly in development. A fun thing I did was get a calendar and I put information on the dates on there when things happen ( note I use it for all years, so I put down the year too ). This year is a continuous stream unlike the periodic pieces in the past. Nothing is better than being yourself.  I bought a great book, though written for kids, Be Who You Are on Amazon - I smiled and cried looking at the cover where the young person sees the girl she is in the mirror, it reminded me of me so much. I even have a write up about that and the book on Amazon in a review and give my name. These sort of books give me hope for the future. I have even did a dress and slippers reviews on two different sites with my name and pictures even. I regularly sign various petition letters on matters on health care, children, education, the environment that go to various US Senators and the like, they write back, use my name - I even sent a personal email to one telling her that I came out this year - her letters always start 'Dear Briana'. I have applies to jobs as myself, receive mail in my name quite regularly these days, and it continues. Nothing yet on the jobs front, but who knows? Still searching. I will clearly add to this entry as time goes by and even write further ones - the items are too numerous in terms of changes, events - I plan to do some scoping ( using my telescope ) in the front yard - totally as myself in the near future ( really a Cosmic Girl )  for example. I am thinking of visiting a few of those sewing and hobby stores to look into thing I like - I am not only thinking of trying but also joining small groups of women in these things. Sounds like fun.  I cannot thank this place and the people here, particularly my friends here enough for their support, it has been a great source of strength, inspiration, and I have hopes for all of us girls here. Great Health, Hope, Harmony, and Happiness Always. All the best in your journeys! Take Care, Hugs, Briana Purcell : )  
    May 11, 2018 1185
  • 06 Dec 2017
    I set out on this my 'Great Journey' with a full rucksack of suitable female clothing for all eventualities, weathers and occasions, suitable foot-wear (not 5" Jimmy Choos), toiletries and a somewhat naive but strong sense of purpose and direction. It started with a week's solo walk across the  North Country, the "Cleveland Way": no big deal for a Swiss Registered High Mountain Guide, I thought. How utterly wrong I was! I frankly have no real idea what triggered my need to pursue the lifelong question of who exactly I was. I can only think that life is controlled in the same way as the 'biscuit' one pushed into old-fashioned washing machines: once inserted it undertoook its progress without any hope of changing the programme. I joined the Gender Society and the Beaumont Society, but never had the nerve to chat on this site (still haven't), nor attend any meet-ups at first. What did I discover? There were other people just like me, and rather a lot of them! The information available here is 'second to none', and it greatly enabled the start of my long journey. The other Society 'held and still holds' a bi-annual meet-up and theme-dressed dinner in Harrogate. This was to be my first ever appearance in public as me. I have lived alone for twenty-six years: always Hannah behind the closed doors of my homes and my male self outdoors and in the work-place. I arrived on the Thursday lunch-time: sat in the car for an hour and a half listening to the only opera written in Italian by Romeau. At its finale I had made my decision to write off the fees for the four days, return home and resume my previous life. I did not notice the four ladies sat having afternoon tea near reception: Kay, the President, Irene her wife and co-ordinator of the weekend, Becky and one of the co-ordinators of the Gender Society. My sole reason for entering the hotel in drab was to pursue an increasingly urgent comfort visit to the gents, and then home. As I returned and stepped down from reception, Irene got up, blocked my exit and escape route and said "you're not thinking of going home are you?". I replied yes .  "No you're not, you have friends here". The rest is history. I had no idea what this 'Passage of Rights' would entail and enable: how finding myself would give me real happiness and disperse the depression of my Dysphoria for ever.  It is, however, a double-edged sword.  Meeting an influential member of this group on the occasion of my first appearance as Hannah, enabled a great deal: she persuaded me to dress en-femme on the Saturday and to accompany her and Becky (Regional Representative) on a walk round Harrogate, with coffee and cakes in Marks and Spencers. Six months later she organised a meet-up in Torquay, where I met the 'love of my life'; but that is another and strictly private story. One of my few ambitions is to repeat the Cleveland Way weeks walk in a skirt and not Rohan outdoor trousers: then to enter new territory in a skirt and do the 'Pennine Way'. Part Two: includes my personal pathway of the last five years, treatment options, beurocratic hurdles and advice as to the best safest and most direct way to achieve GRS and a GRC. Don't, forbid, do what I did and simply forget to pack a head lamp, spare batteries, map and compass, girls..!!     
  • I set out on this my 'Great Journey' with a full rucksack of suitable female clothing for all eventualities, weathers and occasions, suitable foot-wear (not 5" Jimmy Choos), toiletries and a somewhat naive but strong sense of purpose and direction. It started with a week's solo walk across the  North Country, the "Cleveland Way": no big deal for a Swiss Registered High Mountain Guide, I thought. How utterly wrong I was! I frankly have no real idea what triggered my need to pursue the lifelong question of who exactly I was. I can only think that life is controlled in the same way as the 'biscuit' one pushed into old-fashioned washing machines: once inserted it undertoook its progress without any hope of changing the programme. I joined the Gender Society and the Beaumont Society, but never had the nerve to chat on this site (still haven't), nor attend any meet-ups at first. What did I discover? There were other people just like me, and rather a lot of them! The information available here is 'second to none', and it greatly enabled the start of my long journey. The other Society 'held and still holds' a bi-annual meet-up and theme-dressed dinner in Harrogate. This was to be my first ever appearance in public as me. I have lived alone for twenty-six years: always Hannah behind the closed doors of my homes and my male self outdoors and in the work-place. I arrived on the Thursday lunch-time: sat in the car for an hour and a half listening to the only opera written in Italian by Romeau. At its finale I had made my decision to write off the fees for the four days, return home and resume my previous life. I did not notice the four ladies sat having afternoon tea near reception: Kay, the President, Irene her wife and co-ordinator of the weekend, Becky and one of the co-ordinators of the Gender Society. My sole reason for entering the hotel in drab was to pursue an increasingly urgent comfort visit to the gents, and then home. As I returned and stepped down from reception, Irene got up, blocked my exit and escape route and said "you're not thinking of going home are you?". I replied yes .  "No you're not, you have friends here". The rest is history. I had no idea what this 'Passage of Rights' would entail and enable: how finding myself would give me real happiness and disperse the depression of my Dysphoria for ever.  It is, however, a double-edged sword.  Meeting an influential member of this group on the occasion of my first appearance as Hannah, enabled a great deal: she persuaded me to dress en-femme on the Saturday and to accompany her and Becky (Regional Representative) on a walk round Harrogate, with coffee and cakes in Marks and Spencers. Six months later she organised a meet-up in Torquay, where I met the 'love of my life'; but that is another and strictly private story. One of my few ambitions is to repeat the Cleveland Way weeks walk in a skirt and not Rohan outdoor trousers: then to enter new territory in a skirt and do the 'Pennine Way'. Part Two: includes my personal pathway of the last five years, treatment options, beurocratic hurdles and advice as to the best safest and most direct way to achieve GRS and a GRC. Don't, forbid, do what I did and simply forget to pack a head lamp, spare batteries, map and compass, girls..!!     
    Dec 06, 2017 1317
  • 10 Nov 2017
    Hello Ladies - Here are updates on my super world, the path of Briana! : ) As noted in the prior blog I have come out to a series of doctors ( 2 endocrinologists, my therapist, and even the whole of the medical system I am part of through my insurance ). When I go online to look up my file, notes, et al - I am who I am - Briana!! Everyone has been quite friendly, supportive, and see me as me. I reflect on much earlier times long before coming out to myself and those struggles - how when at a given store I would secretly wish someone behind me could say "Miss --" or something in that direction. These were fleeting and few but were nuggets of gold in my past and deeply wishes for ( bear in mind I had a great deal of emotional conflict over such things before addressing myself on these things however ). Nevertheless yesterday I had a follow up meeting with my endocrinologist to go over the newest results of my blood work after now being on hormone therapy ( hooray!! ) for a little over a month. Already the testosterone level is lower than a standard male and the estrogen level has more than doubled! Super news in my book - my breasts thank me daily ( albeit small and developing lol )! She decided to double the estrogen level and all things look good. That news is great in itself, but the day was beyond my wishes though. I went in a red and black plaid skirt, black hose, a nice red top, with cute short heel black shoes. I feel confident, happy, and massively content ( since starting hormones, this sense of peace, tranquility, and balance has been incredible ). As I walked in I was looked at as if I were any other woman walking into the place ( no strange glares or people turning away ). I approached the elevator and there was a grandfather with his toddler grandson just ahead of me. The lad pressed the button and we boarded the lift. In a moment, the grandfather turns to his grandson and notes, 'Show the lady how you can pick our floor, 2" - The lad does so and I note 'Good job'. The doors open on our floor and he places his hand on his grandson's shoulder as I stand there still reflecting on the prior moments and he nods and signals me to go ahead and step out - I say 'thanks'.  In line a person calls out to a lady that it is her turn in saying 'Miss' my head instantly turned. The receptionist, the nurses, the doctor were all cordial, friendly - calling me by name, Briana, and they even updated my file with my new picture ( note I am also in make up as well! ).  Seated in the waiting room a nurse comes out to call the next patient looking for a Mr - she looks past me not even considering me ( thankfully ) while another nearby woman looks about and points out a man over my shoulder further back and asks him if he was the one being called.  Another woman enters the waiting area coming from the adjacent women's lavatory and turns to me and asks if I was wearing a jacket today - I note, no, only my sweater that I have on - she notes that there is one left in the bathroom that's why she was asking me! Along with the discussion of hormones and the upgrade with the doctor I gave her as I have given the list of noted doctor's my first edition copy of my book - talking about my creative drive, interests in writing, the fun experiments in the book using ordinary materials and the like. Each of them allowed me to sign it to them personally and of course, as myself, Briana!  Today was a day I will remember always - compared to the 'Miss' from long ago, this was a day of a pile of gold bars and not just a nugget. I was me, myself and I, Briana - I was that woman in the doctor's office and was perfectly alive, happy, and well in all ranges - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  More to follow in time with further months on hormones and more times out and about as me! All the best in your journeys. Thanks for taking time to read. Take Care Hugs, Briana : ) Cosmic Girl out exploring herself and the Cosmos!  
    950 Posted by Briana Purcell
  • Hello Ladies - Here are updates on my super world, the path of Briana! : ) As noted in the prior blog I have come out to a series of doctors ( 2 endocrinologists, my therapist, and even the whole of the medical system I am part of through my insurance ). When I go online to look up my file, notes, et al - I am who I am - Briana!! Everyone has been quite friendly, supportive, and see me as me. I reflect on much earlier times long before coming out to myself and those struggles - how when at a given store I would secretly wish someone behind me could say "Miss --" or something in that direction. These were fleeting and few but were nuggets of gold in my past and deeply wishes for ( bear in mind I had a great deal of emotional conflict over such things before addressing myself on these things however ). Nevertheless yesterday I had a follow up meeting with my endocrinologist to go over the newest results of my blood work after now being on hormone therapy ( hooray!! ) for a little over a month. Already the testosterone level is lower than a standard male and the estrogen level has more than doubled! Super news in my book - my breasts thank me daily ( albeit small and developing lol )! She decided to double the estrogen level and all things look good. That news is great in itself, but the day was beyond my wishes though. I went in a red and black plaid skirt, black hose, a nice red top, with cute short heel black shoes. I feel confident, happy, and massively content ( since starting hormones, this sense of peace, tranquility, and balance has been incredible ). As I walked in I was looked at as if I were any other woman walking into the place ( no strange glares or people turning away ). I approached the elevator and there was a grandfather with his toddler grandson just ahead of me. The lad pressed the button and we boarded the lift. In a moment, the grandfather turns to his grandson and notes, 'Show the lady how you can pick our floor, 2" - The lad does so and I note 'Good job'. The doors open on our floor and he places his hand on his grandson's shoulder as I stand there still reflecting on the prior moments and he nods and signals me to go ahead and step out - I say 'thanks'.  In line a person calls out to a lady that it is her turn in saying 'Miss' my head instantly turned. The receptionist, the nurses, the doctor were all cordial, friendly - calling me by name, Briana, and they even updated my file with my new picture ( note I am also in make up as well! ).  Seated in the waiting room a nurse comes out to call the next patient looking for a Mr - she looks past me not even considering me ( thankfully ) while another nearby woman looks about and points out a man over my shoulder further back and asks him if he was the one being called.  Another woman enters the waiting area coming from the adjacent women's lavatory and turns to me and asks if I was wearing a jacket today - I note, no, only my sweater that I have on - she notes that there is one left in the bathroom that's why she was asking me! Along with the discussion of hormones and the upgrade with the doctor I gave her as I have given the list of noted doctor's my first edition copy of my book - talking about my creative drive, interests in writing, the fun experiments in the book using ordinary materials and the like. Each of them allowed me to sign it to them personally and of course, as myself, Briana!  Today was a day I will remember always - compared to the 'Miss' from long ago, this was a day of a pile of gold bars and not just a nugget. I was me, myself and I, Briana - I was that woman in the doctor's office and was perfectly alive, happy, and well in all ranges - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  More to follow in time with further months on hormones and more times out and about as me! All the best in your journeys. Thanks for taking time to read. Take Care Hugs, Briana : ) Cosmic Girl out exploring herself and the Cosmos!  
    Nov 10, 2017 950
  • 29 Sep 2017
    Hello Ladies - Important news from the wonderful world of Briana! I first came out to my doctor on July 31 and she was wonderful - passing along paperwork to connect to the right people in the system and even had recommendations for various people to talk to. I filled it out and had a week or so of emails back and forth since I checked off a number of boxes I look forward to in my future ( hormones, surgery, electrolysis, et al ) and was given all sorts of names, links, and the like. My first goal, of course, is the 'girl skittles' as the other Bri here calls them, namely hormones - so I had to meet with the therapist to be evaluated. It was only two meetings and we had lengthy talks - normally I do not say a lot but wow I opened up and told a whole range of tales of my life and feelings about being a girl since age 5! It did me wonders and he is a wonderful soul to talk to. These meetings were in late August and early September. He even thought I was already on hormones due to the way I look ( which I have been doing a few things in the last couple of years, as I told him ) but I loved the compliment. He told me of his own two spirit personality, his years of work, writings, and other really cool information.  Now to find the endocrinologist for the hormones and with luck not only were there several but the one who is strongly connected to my therapist, heavily recommended was available on Sept 28 where I arrived and gave blood and went home and waited for the call from the pharmacy. It took a few hours but those minutes felt like days and my mind went in twenty directions. With the call I raced out the door, held back from screaming and crying the whole way there and back and worked hard to keep my often lead foot off the accelerator - never in my life have I raced for something so bad as this. Got home and began treatment immediately.  As a side note I set up that appointment on Sept 14 - Let me say this - never in my lifetime has two weeks ever taken so long. As time went along I counted down days and even resulted to hours in the last 3 days.  Other notes : All the doctors and the therapist are super people and it opened my mind, heart, and being up immensely. On the electronic system online I am who I am - BRIANA and they call me that everywhere - nurses, doctors, receptionists, et al. In all three meetings I went totally as myself - gorgeous skirt, cute top and shoes, and a well done make up job on my fact I might add - this girl is cute! One elderly woman even made it a point to sit by me as we both waited in the clinic area to have blood drawn and complimented me on my skirt aloud to all around us! En route to all meetings I struck up my CD player which has Enya in it and I would play about 5-7 tunes depending on the length of the journey. I felt excited, elated, a bit anxious, happy, and forward thinking already, but the music amplified my spirit enormously.  Why the amount of time to reach here? More reasons than I can discuss in detail, but there were times of no insurance, insurance that had little to no coverage, an initial doctor under the other insurance who was very rude and not communicative at all, my determination to find a path with no help ( not recommended to anyone ) and of course, my own fears in approaching this new insurance which I have had for a couple of years.  No regrets though. I always seem to be at that point in my life when it is right to do this or that thing.  One of the critical keys is this : I am a person who lives by massive values, rules, standards and the like and always have - don't get me wrong do I color outside the lines at times ( literally basically ) sure enough - but I uphold standards and use these in my personal battles with myself since childhood where I have always known I am a girl since age 5 - but this made no sense logically especially at those times nearly a half century ago. Nevertheless as I explained to the therapist the only time I did things one is not expected or should do ( such as dressing and taking hormones et al ) I did so without hesitation. He first told me I did not do anything wrong and asked, how did this make you feel? Really good, I replied. -- how this relates to being here with the doctors and the like, I need to be on the path to me and need good help otherwise I might keep pushing boundaries ( which I do not recommend and one should be with a doctor and monitored ). Akin to this line of thought is how I discussed me to the therapist. I noted that all of us define ourselves by two central questions : Who Am I? and What do I do here? in our lives. I always knew I am a girl, but there seem to be no way to say, express or be me, but I could override the who am I part with what do I do here by always defining myself by what I do : collect things, bike ride, write, learn and teach science and math. In each case though not noted there were no gendered descriptors in these, though I always knew what they were. This has been the quest since coming out to myself, filling in the whole of the picture with who am I, the girl who loves and does as she does in her life. Overall I feel liberated and looking forward to many new things.  Other good things : Even in the past two months I have been out on several occasions such as my anniversary date of coming out to myself ( Sept 21, 2112 ) when I finally spoke and said 'I'm okay' - a story shared with each of the aforementioned doctors. I went to a massive mall and went window shopping, having some coffee and taking in the scenery as well as going to a grocery store looking good in all places and cases.  On the hormones, as I should always have been ( unlike the time I took both my mom's and years later a friend of mine - but those are other tales to tell another time ) and feeling at peace, happy, content, even more optimistic than usual for me, and many more things to come - I will amend this piece as needed in time and put those reflections in here as well.  Ever the cosmic girl, hugs, Briana : )  
    902 Posted by Briana Purcell
  • Hello Ladies - Important news from the wonderful world of Briana! I first came out to my doctor on July 31 and she was wonderful - passing along paperwork to connect to the right people in the system and even had recommendations for various people to talk to. I filled it out and had a week or so of emails back and forth since I checked off a number of boxes I look forward to in my future ( hormones, surgery, electrolysis, et al ) and was given all sorts of names, links, and the like. My first goal, of course, is the 'girl skittles' as the other Bri here calls them, namely hormones - so I had to meet with the therapist to be evaluated. It was only two meetings and we had lengthy talks - normally I do not say a lot but wow I opened up and told a whole range of tales of my life and feelings about being a girl since age 5! It did me wonders and he is a wonderful soul to talk to. These meetings were in late August and early September. He even thought I was already on hormones due to the way I look ( which I have been doing a few things in the last couple of years, as I told him ) but I loved the compliment. He told me of his own two spirit personality, his years of work, writings, and other really cool information.  Now to find the endocrinologist for the hormones and with luck not only were there several but the one who is strongly connected to my therapist, heavily recommended was available on Sept 28 where I arrived and gave blood and went home and waited for the call from the pharmacy. It took a few hours but those minutes felt like days and my mind went in twenty directions. With the call I raced out the door, held back from screaming and crying the whole way there and back and worked hard to keep my often lead foot off the accelerator - never in my life have I raced for something so bad as this. Got home and began treatment immediately.  As a side note I set up that appointment on Sept 14 - Let me say this - never in my lifetime has two weeks ever taken so long. As time went along I counted down days and even resulted to hours in the last 3 days.  Other notes : All the doctors and the therapist are super people and it opened my mind, heart, and being up immensely. On the electronic system online I am who I am - BRIANA and they call me that everywhere - nurses, doctors, receptionists, et al. In all three meetings I went totally as myself - gorgeous skirt, cute top and shoes, and a well done make up job on my fact I might add - this girl is cute! One elderly woman even made it a point to sit by me as we both waited in the clinic area to have blood drawn and complimented me on my skirt aloud to all around us! En route to all meetings I struck up my CD player which has Enya in it and I would play about 5-7 tunes depending on the length of the journey. I felt excited, elated, a bit anxious, happy, and forward thinking already, but the music amplified my spirit enormously.  Why the amount of time to reach here? More reasons than I can discuss in detail, but there were times of no insurance, insurance that had little to no coverage, an initial doctor under the other insurance who was very rude and not communicative at all, my determination to find a path with no help ( not recommended to anyone ) and of course, my own fears in approaching this new insurance which I have had for a couple of years.  No regrets though. I always seem to be at that point in my life when it is right to do this or that thing.  One of the critical keys is this : I am a person who lives by massive values, rules, standards and the like and always have - don't get me wrong do I color outside the lines at times ( literally basically ) sure enough - but I uphold standards and use these in my personal battles with myself since childhood where I have always known I am a girl since age 5 - but this made no sense logically especially at those times nearly a half century ago. Nevertheless as I explained to the therapist the only time I did things one is not expected or should do ( such as dressing and taking hormones et al ) I did so without hesitation. He first told me I did not do anything wrong and asked, how did this make you feel? Really good, I replied. -- how this relates to being here with the doctors and the like, I need to be on the path to me and need good help otherwise I might keep pushing boundaries ( which I do not recommend and one should be with a doctor and monitored ). Akin to this line of thought is how I discussed me to the therapist. I noted that all of us define ourselves by two central questions : Who Am I? and What do I do here? in our lives. I always knew I am a girl, but there seem to be no way to say, express or be me, but I could override the who am I part with what do I do here by always defining myself by what I do : collect things, bike ride, write, learn and teach science and math. In each case though not noted there were no gendered descriptors in these, though I always knew what they were. This has been the quest since coming out to myself, filling in the whole of the picture with who am I, the girl who loves and does as she does in her life. Overall I feel liberated and looking forward to many new things.  Other good things : Even in the past two months I have been out on several occasions such as my anniversary date of coming out to myself ( Sept 21, 2112 ) when I finally spoke and said 'I'm okay' - a story shared with each of the aforementioned doctors. I went to a massive mall and went window shopping, having some coffee and taking in the scenery as well as going to a grocery store looking good in all places and cases.  On the hormones, as I should always have been ( unlike the time I took both my mom's and years later a friend of mine - but those are other tales to tell another time ) and feeling at peace, happy, content, even more optimistic than usual for me, and many more things to come - I will amend this piece as needed in time and put those reflections in here as well.  Ever the cosmic girl, hugs, Briana : )  
    Sep 29, 2017 902
  • 15 Aug 2017
    Help. I've tripped into my Black Hole and the ladder doesn’t reach out. I need some release and a direction. My male and female sides are fighting, but my hard wiring has some tricky hair triggers built into it, and one has just tripped: it’s the fear of annihilation - hardwired into me by my dear mother through her special treatment all those years ago. Now, my partner does not like any of my feminine side, and always pushes back when I push forward: tights, doing my nails, shaving my body hair, legs, etc. Now I have painfully won a couple of those battles over the years and there is a grudging acceptance of the legs, but she just spotted I was wearing eyeliner out today, with earrings, and she has been shouting at me for an hour. That annihilation trip wire button really makes me feel uncomfortable – like looking down the barrel of a gun. I know now the rational thing to do is to lash out and strike away the gun, but I have suppressed my feeling so much over the years that I cannot express anger, I just get tense inside, and anyway, I want to avoid escalation to high emotions from her.   Outwardly, I have lived a life of respectable conformity with all mod-cons – I have been fortunate to have had time to express my alternate self. Though nowhere near as often as I would have liked.  I have had great help from my psy to manage the balances, and I have researched loads to help me understand myself. After many years I see more clearly, but what I see does not make me happy – it is a mess; I can see decisions I made to conform to society’s expectations, and hide, and how I continued them, always thinking I could keep the female side in check, but sometimes it feels like that something is going to explode: is it an urge, or something powerful? My dilemma is where to go from here. My psy thinks my partner knows more than she wants to admit, and won’t accept much out of fear of a domino effect, and facing the inner me, and out of fear of the house of cards falling. If only we could downgrade to “just friends”, and I can be me. I lack the courage for drastic moves, as I cannot stand confrontation. Now I have dug a hole so deep my ladder won't reach to get me out. Should I confess, and blow the house down, and have her stab me, or retreat until a better time is found; and how can I nudge towards acceptance, gently push those limits. I want to wear my tights, polish my nails, wear dresses, and do my makeup. I feel so frustrated. Help. Anyone out there who can give some good advice? Love Nathalia
    877 Posted by Nathalia van Lydia
  • Help. I've tripped into my Black Hole and the ladder doesn’t reach out. I need some release and a direction. My male and female sides are fighting, but my hard wiring has some tricky hair triggers built into it, and one has just tripped: it’s the fear of annihilation - hardwired into me by my dear mother through her special treatment all those years ago. Now, my partner does not like any of my feminine side, and always pushes back when I push forward: tights, doing my nails, shaving my body hair, legs, etc. Now I have painfully won a couple of those battles over the years and there is a grudging acceptance of the legs, but she just spotted I was wearing eyeliner out today, with earrings, and she has been shouting at me for an hour. That annihilation trip wire button really makes me feel uncomfortable – like looking down the barrel of a gun. I know now the rational thing to do is to lash out and strike away the gun, but I have suppressed my feeling so much over the years that I cannot express anger, I just get tense inside, and anyway, I want to avoid escalation to high emotions from her.   Outwardly, I have lived a life of respectable conformity with all mod-cons – I have been fortunate to have had time to express my alternate self. Though nowhere near as often as I would have liked.  I have had great help from my psy to manage the balances, and I have researched loads to help me understand myself. After many years I see more clearly, but what I see does not make me happy – it is a mess; I can see decisions I made to conform to society’s expectations, and hide, and how I continued them, always thinking I could keep the female side in check, but sometimes it feels like that something is going to explode: is it an urge, or something powerful? My dilemma is where to go from here. My psy thinks my partner knows more than she wants to admit, and won’t accept much out of fear of a domino effect, and facing the inner me, and out of fear of the house of cards falling. If only we could downgrade to “just friends”, and I can be me. I lack the courage for drastic moves, as I cannot stand confrontation. Now I have dug a hole so deep my ladder won't reach to get me out. Should I confess, and blow the house down, and have her stab me, or retreat until a better time is found; and how can I nudge towards acceptance, gently push those limits. I want to wear my tights, polish my nails, wear dresses, and do my makeup. I feel so frustrated. Help. Anyone out there who can give some good advice? Love Nathalia
    Aug 15, 2017 877
  • 14 Jun 2017
    just wondering if anybody have heard of any voice impaired trans genders. doc told me if i was lucky i migght have some voice left after my cancer surgery of the thyroid, partual voice box and most of my neck and lymphnoids of  my throat be side all of this i lost most of the muscle that contect the right shouilder with my neck muscles. this all added up to a stage 3 cancer . as of right now why voice is hardly audiable to others in normal situations amplication is now being used at home and famlies , but the thing is at work wondering if i should learn ASL  caus e i work in a distirubtion center where  it is loud and noisey even with the amp i know that no one could hear me  if i was in case to get in trouble there at work so far bw side the operation in have gone 8 weeks of exterior radiation bombardment therapy. i hope i dont have to do chemo(fingures crossed) . any wat that is my blog for this season i hope    
    910 Posted by michelle/mitchell self
  • just wondering if anybody have heard of any voice impaired trans genders. doc told me if i was lucky i migght have some voice left after my cancer surgery of the thyroid, partual voice box and most of my neck and lymphnoids of  my throat be side all of this i lost most of the muscle that contect the right shouilder with my neck muscles. this all added up to a stage 3 cancer . as of right now why voice is hardly audiable to others in normal situations amplication is now being used at home and famlies , but the thing is at work wondering if i should learn ASL  caus e i work in a distirubtion center where  it is loud and noisey even with the amp i know that no one could hear me  if i was in case to get in trouble there at work so far bw side the operation in have gone 8 weeks of exterior radiation bombardment therapy. i hope i dont have to do chemo(fingures crossed) . any wat that is my blog for this season i hope    
    Jun 14, 2017 910
  • 09 Apr 2017
    While this blog maybe a little religious for some. Working in an LGBT committee we believe these issues are very important. https://robbenwendywainer.wordpress.com/2017/04/09/bridging-the-gap-between-transgender-self-and-god/?frame-nonce=ee3c49da4f
    959 Posted by Robben Wainer
  • While this blog maybe a little religious for some. Working in an LGBT committee we believe these issues are very important. https://robbenwendywainer.wordpress.com/2017/04/09/bridging-the-gap-between-transgender-self-and-god/?frame-nonce=ee3c49da4f
    Apr 09, 2017 959
  • 02 Feb 2017
    lots of years have gone by .., and now today I am preparing myself for first surgical referall appointment .Done the psycho babble stuff,done the difficult long term relationship [ emotional volcanoes,and hurricane damage..followed by long term healing.]Things come to pass.I am just thinking I have ended up breaking a lot of bad cycles  of behaviour through those years.There really is not to much to say at this point  other than this is the way I need to go to be me , and develop as me . My long term partner is still with me . Best wishes to everyone at GS 
    960 Posted by Donna V
  • By Donna V
    lots of years have gone by .., and now today I am preparing myself for first surgical referall appointment .Done the psycho babble stuff,done the difficult long term relationship [ emotional volcanoes,and hurricane damage..followed by long term healing.]Things come to pass.I am just thinking I have ended up breaking a lot of bad cycles  of behaviour through those years.There really is not to much to say at this point  other than this is the way I need to go to be me , and develop as me . My long term partner is still with me . Best wishes to everyone at GS 
    Feb 02, 2017 960
  • 12 Jan 2017
    Apparently a BBC documentary is to be shown tomorow which degrades Transgender Individuald, with particular reference to transgender Children.   The 'in-house expert featured is Kenneth Zucker, a Canadian psychologist with a contraversial approach to transgender children leading to his dismissal after running a Toronto Identity clinic (Canada's largest child gender clinic) in the Centre ror Addiction and Mental Health for over 30 years. Zucher opposes the widely favoured 'affirmative approach' and disaproves of parents allowing children with gender dysphoria to live as their chosen sex   His unconventional views in present society supports the misconception that trans children are mentally disturbed and that appropriate treatment will cure them. Zucher's 'preaching' appears to be  that of the 'curing' of transgender status. He appears convinced that these children have unappreciated underlying mental health and psychological issues; and a highly critical external review revealed that his clinic encouraged parents of trans children to 'limit cross gender behaviour'.   Zucher's reply to his critics apparently was that his sacking as a considered recognised authority on Childhood gender dysphoria was due to the politicisation of transgender issues, and challenging the gender affirmative approach.   His earlier statements stated that his goal was "lowering the odds that as such a kid gets older he or she will move into adolescence feeling so uncomfortable about their gender identity that they think that it would be better to live as the other gender ". In the BBC documentary he denies that he ahd practiced conversion therapy and calls his approach 'develomentally informed therapy.   In 1990 he spoke out in favour of discouraging children to be gay because, " a homosexual lifestyle in a basically unaccepting culture simply creates unnecessary social difficulties".   I, for one, will not be watching tomorrow.
  • Apparently a BBC documentary is to be shown tomorow which degrades Transgender Individuald, with particular reference to transgender Children.   The 'in-house expert featured is Kenneth Zucker, a Canadian psychologist with a contraversial approach to transgender children leading to his dismissal after running a Toronto Identity clinic (Canada's largest child gender clinic) in the Centre ror Addiction and Mental Health for over 30 years. Zucher opposes the widely favoured 'affirmative approach' and disaproves of parents allowing children with gender dysphoria to live as their chosen sex   His unconventional views in present society supports the misconception that trans children are mentally disturbed and that appropriate treatment will cure them. Zucher's 'preaching' appears to be  that of the 'curing' of transgender status. He appears convinced that these children have unappreciated underlying mental health and psychological issues; and a highly critical external review revealed that his clinic encouraged parents of trans children to 'limit cross gender behaviour'.   Zucher's reply to his critics apparently was that his sacking as a considered recognised authority on Childhood gender dysphoria was due to the politicisation of transgender issues, and challenging the gender affirmative approach.   His earlier statements stated that his goal was "lowering the odds that as such a kid gets older he or she will move into adolescence feeling so uncomfortable about their gender identity that they think that it would be better to live as the other gender ". In the BBC documentary he denies that he ahd practiced conversion therapy and calls his approach 'develomentally informed therapy.   In 1990 he spoke out in favour of discouraging children to be gay because, " a homosexual lifestyle in a basically unaccepting culture simply creates unnecessary social difficulties".   I, for one, will not be watching tomorrow.
    Jan 12, 2017 1320
  • 28 Dec 2016
    I have frequently been asked what i think about using GP online services for Thansgender persons awaiting the long-drawn out first Gender Identity Clinic appointment. Internet enabled private GP services tend to cost £40 to £60 per appointment   All private suppliers say they are taking pressure off the NHS; but have had no impact on the rapidly escalating waiting times for GIC appointments.   The GP contract prohibits seeing ones own patients privately, but not those registered with another practice.   Control of sex hormone therapy requires baseline blood and general-health checks. After three months, the blood tests (including liver function tests) need repeating and the dosage of hormones titrated until acceptable levels are achieved. On-line consultations do not include blood tests.   Some medics call this trpe of 'treatment' - "Martini Medicine". Beware the inevitable hang-over, and/or genuine risk of liver damage.
  • I have frequently been asked what i think about using GP online services for Thansgender persons awaiting the long-drawn out first Gender Identity Clinic appointment. Internet enabled private GP services tend to cost £40 to £60 per appointment   All private suppliers say they are taking pressure off the NHS; but have had no impact on the rapidly escalating waiting times for GIC appointments.   The GP contract prohibits seeing ones own patients privately, but not those registered with another practice.   Control of sex hormone therapy requires baseline blood and general-health checks. After three months, the blood tests (including liver function tests) need repeating and the dosage of hormones titrated until acceptable levels are achieved. On-line consultations do not include blood tests.   Some medics call this trpe of 'treatment' - "Martini Medicine". Beware the inevitable hang-over, and/or genuine risk of liver damage.
    Dec 28, 2016 1301