Briana's Music Room   Hi, and welcome to my music room.  First I would like to thank one of my sisters, Chrissy Charland for making this possible.  Hugs girl.  I got my first guitar in Mexico when I was around six, I played with my moms before that.  I didn't get serious about playing until I was a teenager and played with my best friend who was killed in an accident when we were twenty.  I am self taught, the only music training I have had was playing sax in grade school band.  My teacher talked me into playing baritone sax and he liked to have the band play current popular music like Santana.  I was always given bass guitar parts to play on my baritone sax, maybe that's where I got interested in the bass.  I used to say if it has strings, I can play it.  Then one day I got my hands on a violin.  I am here to tell you that the violin is the devils work and anyone that can play one has sold his or her soul to make that sweet sound.  I have a lot of influences but with the bass, there is really only one, Geddy Lee.  My plan is to post one song a week until I run out of finished material, after that, who knows.  And now, let's get to the music.  Hope you enjoy, and thanks for visiting my music room. 6/1/11                                                        "Lee"   This song was done about a year ago.  It is the first blues piece I have ever done.  I wrote it for my sweetie and it is named for her.  It had to be the first piece that I posted here.  Love You.  There are two versions of this song, this is the first version.  There are mistakes in all of my pieces but I am very happy with the way this came out.  I guess it's all about what you can live with. Instruments - three Guitar - one track, BC Rich "Warlock" Bass - one track, Ibenez fretless Drums - micro BR electronic drum machine                                                    click here                                          Lee (clean version).wav       6/7/11                                 Live in concert                                                                     "Ridicule"   I have a friend at work that is learning to play the guitar.  I help him with things and have gone to his place to give him lessons.  Whenever I am recording a new piece, I bring my recorder in to work and let him listen to it during each step of the recording.  He gets to hear the piece in layers until it is finally finished with all the instruments.  Sometimes I will tell him, "I'm not happy with this part, or that part.  I'm going to rerecord this or that."  He always tells me, "You're crazy, I don't hear anything wrong with that.  You should put a band together and I have the perfect name,  RIDICULE, cause you always pick apart everything you do."  Like i said in the notes for "Lee", there are mistakes in all of my pieces, but they have to be acceptable to me before I will call a piece done.  I have a standard for the level of quality, only once have I lowered my standard on a piece.  Which brings us to Song # 2                                                "The Spirit of the Great White North"  The names from my songs come from a lot of different places.  I am a big fan of progressive rock.  Styx, Kansas, and of course, Rush.  I wanted to do something in that style, the style of Rush.  Heavy bass, guitar arpeggios, hard crunchy guitar, and some keyboards.  Rush is from Canada so, The Spirit of the Great White North.  The production side of this one was, well I could say difficult but then I would be lying.  It was insane and I'm suprised that I finished it.  Because of that, my tolerence level for imperfections dropped considerably.   Don't get me wrong, it came out pretty good, but there are more improfections in this one than any other piece I have done.  "Live in concert, RIDICULE." Instruments - five Guitar - Two tracts in the intro, one through the rest of the song.  All done with a fender electric acoustic run through various effects boxes.  ( I didn't have my Warlock yet) Bass - Ibenez fretless Keyboards - Roland SH09 and RS09 synthesizers Drums - micro br electronic drum machine                                                           click here                                        Spirit Of The Great White North.wav       Song Three     6/14/11                                                        "Monsoon Rain"  I live in the desert, we get about half of our anual rain in a one month period from mid July, to mid August.  The storm pattern is called monsoon.  One August afternoon I was sitting on a rock at a popular mountain overlook, picking on my acoustic.  Almost every August afternoon our skies turn black and a storm rolls in.  Sometimes it rains, sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes it rains on the house across the street and you don't get a drop.  But we love the rain here.  In the desert, water is life, and the desert explodes with the color of wild flowers.  Anyway, I was sitting on my rock, working on something new, and this storm was rolling in,  It was an incredible experience, seeing the downpoors drifting across the desert floor.  Smelling the wet creosote, which smells so good.  This is the song that came to be that afternoon.  It is a guitar oriented song that is comparable to, maybe the early Ginn Blossoms.  Hope you enjoy. Instruments - five Guitar - there are three playing continuously through the song, all were done with my Fender electric acoustic Bass - as always, Ibanez fretless Drums - Micro BR elctronic drum machine                                                           Cick here                                                  Monsoon Rain.wav         Song four     6/23/11                                                           Marvin Martian's March   This song is one of my older pieces.  I did it when I was in my mid twenties, and I recorded it the first time using multiple cassette tape recorders.  That version had bass, keyboards, and a drum machine.  I recorded it again about four years ago with my digital four track.  In fact it was the first song I recorded when I bought my recorder.   The bass line is the same as the original version.  It is a bass piece but it is very different than any of my other bass pieces.  The entire song is slap, hammers, and pulls.  There isn't a single plucked note in the entire piece.  The background music was changed a little.  The main backing is now rhythm guitar and ther is very faint keyboards in the background to give it a little more depth.  I am very happy with the way it came out except for one thing.  I hadn't found the sound I wanted to get out of my bass through the recorder until my third song I recorded.  I wish it sounded a little more "tinney" and had a little more punch to it.  It was a hard song to name.  It has a serious sound to it, yet a silly sound to it.  When I listen to it I can sort of picture that old Warner Brothers cartoon charater Marvin Martian.  He tried to be so serious yet was kind of goofy.  Anyway, that's where the name came from, if you don't know Marvin, I'm sure you could google him. Instruments - four Bass - one track, as always, Ibenez fretless Guitar - one track, fender electric acoustic Keyboards - Roland RS 09 synth Drums - micro br electronic drum machine                                                           Click Here                                                  Marvin Martian's March.wav        Song five   6/29/11                                                                     The Axe Handler Well, I would say that this next song is the last of the new styles for my music, at least at this point.  Don't get me wrong, there is more music coming, and I am playing again so there is even more new stuff coming.  I think I have six more finished after this one, and I am working on two more new ones.  I don't have as much time to devote to playing as I would like, I am also working on a garden which I hope to share through pictures when it is done.  Anyway, back to the music.  The Axe Handler is my atempt at 80s big hair rock.  The kind of music that the last band I was in played.  The kind of music I grew up on.  Most of the bass players of that era were what I would call sell outs.  Stand in the back by the drums and hammer 1/8 notes all night, for the most part, the same 1/8 note.  Sometimes only three or four notes in the whole song, that's just wrong.  I always tried to put a little more into the songs we did with the bass. I tried to do a little with this one but this is a guitar oriented song.  I had a hard time with the name on this one.  I tried to come up with something to reflect the attitude of the time and era, I know it's lame but it's the best I could come up with. Instruments - four Guitar - two tracks, both were done with my B.C. Rich  Warlock Bass - Duh !!  Ibanez Fretless Drums - micro br electronic drum machine                                                         Click here                                                 The Axe Handler.wav         Song six     7/4/11                                                Crusty's Demize Crusty's Demize was actually the first song I did for Lee.  I know that already sounds bad so let me back up a bit.  She really likes the song, I think it came out pretty good too, but it is a bit dark.  She likes all of my music, but likes it most when I am just picking arpeggios on the acoustic.  Ok, that's where I should start this one.  Lets make it different, unusual........... I know, how about an odd time signature, I went with 3/4.  I'm not sure what posessed  me to put a minor chord in there but there it is.  When I'm working on something new, I spend some time laying out the main track/instrument.  The rest of them are semi improvised.  I am not someone that can just jump into something new and improvise a part.  When I do make something new though, I play the first track and it ........ inspires the other tracks.  Ok, lets do the math. Odd time signature  +  minor chord  +  guitar riffs that end in decending pitch  = dark sounding piece.  Not exactly something you write for someone you love.  The name, at this point what else could I do.  The lead guitar is highly compressed and almost sounds like some kind of evil circus music to me, and the most famous clown I know is Crusty from the Simpsons so ...... Crusty's Demize.  This is the slowest piece I have ever done, it's not my favorite but I like it.  It's definitely an example of what happens when you put to much thought into art.  Hope you enjoy. Instruments - four Guitars - Two tracks, melody - fender electric acoustic, Lead B.C. Rich  Warlock Bass - Ibanez fretless Drums - On this one I used my Boss DR 220 electronic drum machine.  The whole thing was programmed beat by beat so the drums match the acoustic guiter.                                                               Cick here                                                       Crusty's Demize.wav       7/8/11     Song seven                                                                                  Lead Rain   So where do you go the week after posting the slowest song you have done, to the land of whiplash of course.  Full speed ahead, or as Danusha would probably say, warp factor nine.  My guitar songs come from me trying different things, just looking for things that sound good to me.  Most of my bass pieces start off as an excercise to improve on one thing or another.  This song is the most true example of that out of all of my material.  The excercise, improving right hand finger speed.  Can I get to a point where I can rattle off an entire measure of 1/16 notes on my bass.  A lot of people would say on a bass, why would you want to ?  And of course my answer would be, cause Geddy does it, and then some.  I think I would have to say I think I nailed it on this one.  This is the Lamborghini of my bass pieces, if it doesn't make it go fast, we don't need it.  The verse.......... not much to it.  The chorus.............not much there either.  But the bridge that connects them together,  5 measures of continuous 1/16 notes.  That's EIGHTY consecutive 1/16 notes................. in about 9 seconds................on a bass. This is my biggest acomplishment as far as my bass pieces go.  There are no key boards in this song, some people think there are.  There is guitar run through a flanger behind the bass. The name, well it sounds like it's raining lead. Instruments - four Bass - Ibanez fretless Guitars - two tracks, both done with my fender electric acoustic run through various effects.  (I didn't have my Warlock yet) Drums - Micro br electronic drum machine.                                                                   Click here                                                         Lead Rain.wav         7/15/11       Song eight                                                      Lee - Distortion Version   Not much to write on this one that I haven't already written.  It is the same song as the first on the blog with two changes.  I used hard rock drums and very heavy distortion on the guitar.                                                                                                                  Instruments - three Guitar - B.C. Rich Warlock Bass - Ibanez fretless Drums - Micro br electronic drum machine                                                        Click here                                                     Lee (distortion).wav           7/21/11     Song nine                                                     To much caffeine This is another old song of mine.  I did it in my twenties, around the same time as Marvin Martians March.  The difference is "Marvin" was recorded back then using cassette decks, then changed slightly and recorded again on my digital equipment.  This song was recorded for the first time on my digital equipment twenty something years after it was conceived.  The only regret I have with the recording is that it was the second song I recorded with this equipment, and like "Marvin", I hadn't got the sound down on the bass yet.  I wish it was more tinney and had more punch to it.  On this type of song it gets a little muddy on the low end.  The name............................... yeah, I don't think there will be much need for explanation after you hear it.  It's a boat load of....... ......... "almost" unfocused energy.  Like drinking a keg of red bull and picking up your bass.  Put on your seat belt, hope you enjoy.  Instruments - four Bass - Ibanez fretless Guitar - two tracks, both done with my fender electric acoustic, (I didn't have the Warlock yet) Drums - micro br electronic drum machine                                                                                                           Click Here                                                      To Much Caffeine.wav    7/29/11     song ten                                                                                                        Boom 101 This is the first guitar bassed song that I recorded.  It is built around arpeggios played on the acoustic.  I have always played guitars but always considered myself first, a bassist.  When I did this song I knew that the bass had to "back" the guitar, not overtake it.  At the time, this was a first for me and though it probably sounds strange, felt almost .........uncomfortable, after all, I'm a bassist, not a guitarist.  If you have been following the blog you can see that I have obviously gotten past this, but at the time, it just seemed wrong because............................I'M A BASSIST.  I had no clue what to name this song and was still dealing with the fact that................I'M A BASSIST.  I was going to school when I did this song, and in college, almost every "beginning" course in a subject is numbered "101".  At the time I considered the bass in this piece to be very lame, or simple.  So, Boom = bass, 101 = lame or simple.  Probably pretty lame way to come up with a name but like I said way back, they are instrumentals so the names come from a feeling or thought about the piece in most cases.  If you have been following the blog, this one would be in the same class as "Monsoon Rain".  Hope you enjoy. Instuments - three Guitar - two tracks, both done with Fender acoustic Bass - Ibanez fretless Drums - micro br electronic drum machines                                                         Click here                                                      Boom 101.wav    Song eleven   8/25/11                                                 Drive it like you stole it   Well, this is the last finished song to post.  Most of you that follow the blog have already heard it as it is the first song that made it to GS thanks to Chrissy posting it in the musicians cafe after I had emailed it to her, but you might want to give it another spin and you probably haven't heard the story behind it.  This was another hard one to name.  Then one day, it just hit me.  "Drive it like you stole it", a phrase that means push it as hard as you can.  I can't take complete credit for writing this, well, it's about 99% me, 1% ..............stolen.  The chord progression is not mine, but if you heard the song it came from you could say nothing but WTF.   I am a fan of Stained, I love their lyrics and I love the way they use the music to set the mood of the song.  The original song that the progression came from is by Stained, and it's called "Outside".  If you haven't heard it google it and listen to it.  It's just an acoustic guitar and it's played at about 60 beats per minute where mine is played at 150 beats per minute if I remember correctly.  So, I stole it (sort of), and I'm pounding the sh*t out of it. So Drive it like you stole it. Instruments - Four   Guitar - Two tracks, both done with my Fender electric acoustic. (again, before the Warlock)   Bass - Ibanez fretless   Drums -Micro br electronic drum machine                                                 Click here                                     Drive It Like You Stole It.wav           Song that the Chord progression came from, "Outside" by Stained http://vodpod.com/watch/102409-stained-ft-fred-durst-outside   6/12/12         Live and unplugged.......sort of My hope is to post some........ video diary's. Clips with some music, and me talking about the piece a little.  If you visit this portion of the blog my hope is that you will be able to get to know me more as a person. Enjoy.           It's been a very long time since i have been here to post new things. This is another first here. It's just me, and my acoustic, and it's the closest thing to live that I could post. It's video of me playing one of my pieces.  No drums, no bass, just me, and one guitar.  It's also a first in that it gives my friends all over the world a chance to, sort of meet me, and in talking on the video this rush of feelings came over me as I realized I was no longer a picture and words on a screen, or the sound of my music. It's me, the real me.  I have an incredible friend here that lives in the UK.  We joined GS at about the same time, met, and have been emailing for over two years.  I call her "Chica". I live in a part of the US that is very heavily influenced by the Spanish culture. About a hundred and fifty years ago, I believe, where I live was part of Mexico.  My name is spelled and pronounced the Latina way, and Chica is a .........Spanish slur?........ that is used by the latina's, it's like saying girlfriend.  She is very special to me and knows more about my life than anyone at GS.  I was fighting crying when I talked about her and knew that her, and all of you would be meeting me for the first time, I wish I could meet all of you too.    The music isn't perfect, I lost it going into the first change, almost scrapped the whole thing and started over, but decided to step back and start again.  There are also some audio problems from a short that I couldn't hear because I am plugged directly into the computer and only hear the guitar itself while playing. But, I am happy, it's real, it's me, and I would like to dedicate this video to Chica. It's for you.   Changing times    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMhv5vpE-k8           7/8/12                                                   First cover                       "Save all your love" by Great White   Another first for my blog, My first cover.  This is a song by Great White.  They are the band that I learned about blues from. They are not a blues band, but a blues rock band.  Some of their stuff is flat out blues and some is rock.  I have always loved blues but never really understood how to play them. About three years ago I studied another one of their songs, a full on blues piece called "The House of Broken Love".  I learned to play it and actually recorded it.  It's how I learned blues and without it, I couldn't have written "Lee".  They are both done in the key of A.  I haven't done any blues in any other key so far.  LOL, guess I'm kind of lazy, that would require learning scales on different parts of the neck.  Anyway, this is about Save all Your Love.  Their music is from the 80s and this song has such pretty arpeggio's.  I love picking that kind of stuff on the acoustic.  I only ran through the intro, a verse, and a chorus and ended it.  Without vocals I didn't want to drag it out, and I totally screwed up and stopped the first time through.  It's a little rough on one change but that's life when it's live.  I hope you enjoy.                                                             http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Evoi_ItYPAA    7/23/12                                  Some Finger picking This is actually a remake of a video that I already posted and pulled down.  It is some slow finger picking and it came out well.  I am getting a little less nervous with each video and the sound problems have been worked out.  As an extra added bonus, lol, you get to meet Cujo, the man eating pomeranian.  He hates being touched and I picked him up.  He let me know by saying "Grrrrr", I think the rough translation is "put me down biatch", then he showed his award winning smile.  He's one of my babies, maybe I will get the other one in another video.  I hope to do a few more but not sure when I will have the time as summer is almost over and I won't have the freedom I have now.  We'll see.  I hope you like the video.               http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rqtewl_0SPE

Think about it................Religion has actually convinced people that there's an INVISIBLE MAN...LIVING IN THE SKY...who watches every thing you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten special things that he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever ´til the end of time...but he loves you!He loves you, and he needs Money????????? He's all powerfull, all wise, all seeing, but just cant balance his finances?? What's going on here? Has he got some great big universe creation loan to pay off or somthing? if so thats one hell of a mortgage! If that's the case then he's not the all powerfull being we thought he was, as he also, like most of us, has to answer to his financial backers, shareholders and investors. Also at over 23 Billion years, why is he still paying it off???  can you imagine the interest on that???? But, when it comes to BULLSHIT...BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT... you have to stand IN AWE, IN AWE of the all time champion of  false promises and exaggerated claims, religion.I want you to know, when it comes to believing in god- I really tried. I really really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realise...something is ******-UP. Something is WRONG here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and Justin Beiber???? Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of **** you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. Just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago.Oh and incase your sat there wondering why I refer to this all powerfull figure as a Man, let me say this. No Woman could ever **** things up this badly!!!! So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a ****, yep thats right, doesn't give - a - ****. Which I gotta say, I kind of admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results. And then there is praying???? Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. ´Do this´ ´Gimme that´ ´I want a new car´ ´I want a better job´. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. His day off?????   people want all theese little favours and bother the guy on his day off, when he's trying to put his feet up, maybe watch the cricket and forget about those nasty red letters concerning overdue payments for his universe creation loan?  But,  I say fine, pray for anything you want.  Pray for anything.  But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan.  Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice.  And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan.  What do you want him to do?  Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down tosser with a two quid prayer book can come along and **** up your plan?  And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? ´Well it's god's will. God's will be done.´ Fine, but if it gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the **** bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will?

Someone sent this to Lee today, I thought it was cute.........and oh so accurate LOL YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARIZONA WHEN. . . 1. You can say Hohokam and no one thinks you're making it up. 2.You no longer associate rivers or bridges with water. 3.You know that a "swamp cooler" is not a happy hour drink. 4.You can contemplate a high temperature of 120 degrees as "not all that bad, after all it's a dry heat." 5.You know that you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave. 6.You have to run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use your fireplace. 7.The water coming from the "cold" tap is hotter than that from the hot" tap. 8.You can correctly pronounce the following words: "Saguaro", "Tempe", "Gila Bend", "San Xavier del Bac", "Canyon de Chelly", "Mogollon Rim", "Cholla", and "Tlaquepacque", "Ajo". 9.It's noon on a weekday in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one single person is moving on the streets. 10.Hot air balloons can't fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside. 11.You buy salsa by the gallon. 12.Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and 100 paper bags. 13.You think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever. 14.Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name "El" or "Los." 15.You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard. 16.You can say 115 degrees without fainting. 17.Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer. 18.People break out coats when the temperature drops below 70. 19.You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car. 20.The pool can be warmer than you are. 21.You realize Valley Fever isn't a disco dance. 22.People with black cars or have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts. 23.You know better than to get into a car/truck with leather seats if you're wearing shorts. 24.Announcements for Fourth of July events always end with "in case of monsoon..." 25.You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight savings time 26.You can say "haboob" without giggling.

So....i wrote my letter out this morning for my parents and after dinner decided to hand it over to them, my mom had the look of "what's that?" on her face, so i said it's a letter for you and dad and i'll be upstairs if you want me after you've read it. So i ran upstairs and sat in my room quietly and anxiously, shaking like a leaf. I tried to listen for any noise coming from downstairs but nothing...it seemed like an eternity until i heard something, it was my phone i had actually received a text from my mom telling me to get my backside downstairs.... it had only been 10mins.... i made my way gingerly downstairs, burst into the living room and then i broke my heart, collapsing into my mom's arms. I was hysterical for what seemed again like eternity so i can hardly remember a thing but in a nutshell, my parents said i had nothing to be sorry for except that i should have told them sooner, i should have no shame and i shouldn't care what anyone thinks, they love me no matter what and will back me 110% with what ever it is that i need to do to be happy, they do want me to go and see a doctor and i explained to them that if i get diagnosed with gender dysphoria i will get prescribed hormones which will change my physical appearence and they were ok with that, we chatted for quite some time and then i asked them if they wanted to see some pics, "some pics?" they asked and i replied yes....of me, they actually wanted to and not only that they loved my transformation and how much happier i looked, my dad even said how beautiful of a woman i made and how proud they are. SO yaaaaaaaaaaay! baby steps at home now and i have to book an appointment at the doctors but Tia is moving forward xxx

Hi dad, I feel our face to face conversations are rather ineffective, I get so nervous that I clam up and can't say anything and you get so nervous you say way too much so I thought this might be a better means of communication as we can both say what we like uninterrupted. To begin with I want to say that I love you very much, you are my hero, and my role model, and these problems I am having have nothing whatsoever to do with the way you raised me, you are a fantastic father and you always have been. The next thing I want to say is that while I will not apologize for being the way I am, I do apologize for the set of circumstances that this has created, I know how difficult all of this has been for you, mom, and lizzie and it tears me apart. In fact one of the reasons I have been so depressed is because I can see the hell I'm putting you all through with this and it is eating me alive from the inside out, I hate seeing everything I loved and knew fall apart like this, and the heartache of it all has turned me into a recluse and for that I apologize. Thirdly I want to say that I have identified as female for a long time, I tried to chase it away, I tried to smother it, and I tried to bury it but all of that left me with a complete and total empty feeling inside of me, it was strangling me and it was only a matter of time before I ran out of air, in fact its gotten so bad that I wince every time someone says "hey man" or I catch a glimpse of my self in a polo and jeans in the mirror, it physically hurts to be the way I am right now and I can not endure it much longer, transitioning for me is not a choice or a decision to be made but a necessary medical treatment I need for something that is physically and mentally wrong with me, in fact the only time I feel truly, and genuinely happy anymore is when I can present myself to the world as Masi simply because its the only time anyone can see the real me. Now I know you think your losing me and that the son you've always known is dying right before your eyes but everything you know and love about me is still there, in fact I would argue that my faults that impair my functioning are linked to my brain being a girls and my body being a boys, and that all the parts you like about me may well be dramatically enhanced once I do this. Finally I would like to reiterate that no one has coerced me into feeling this way, and that I am the one in complete control over this, I am not so easily swayed into thinking this way just because I talked to someone who went through a similar situation, my thoughts and opinions are only accountable to one person and that is me. It kills me that I can't be the son that you can be proud of, it is worst kind of depression knowing that you let everyone you know and love down, which is why I'm begging you to be accepting and supportive of this so that I can be the child that you can be proud of and so that I can live up to my full potential and become the happy, healthy, and successful human being I know I can be without everything else chaining me down, I love you very much, and I know it will take time but please know that I need someone to be there for me to help me through all of this and to accept me for who I am.

I wanted to make this a poll, but the question was too long lol. Basically, I am going to be writing a book in the future about an experience I had with an old friend of mine. It will be an LGBT book and I'm a little concerned that one of the villains might be a bit too offensive.. The villain is a transsexual FtM who was brought up by a christian family. He ended up feeling so repressed and angry at God for making him the "wrong gender" and ends up selling his soul to the devil to become the "correct gender". The message is only supposed to be that it can be really difficult dealing with religion while being trans, but I fear people will think I'm saying trans people are evil. (Which of course I'm not since I am one). Should I just make a good trans character too? Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Hey all, I'm afraid I've got some bad news, actually bad doesn't even begin to describe it, its down right awful. As many of you may know I am at the begining steps of my transition and so far things have moved along fairly well, until now. My parents do not like the idea at all and as I am still dependent on them their opinion of me means everything at this point. My parents have decided that I should no longer have anything to do with the trans community because they think it has influenced my decision making and has clouded my judgement of who and what I am. This means no going out, dressing in private, support groups, and what I consider probably the most painful no more GS. While it breaks my heart and I am crying while writing this I have decided to accept their challenge if only to prove to them that this is who I really am even without all of the clothes and friends I am still and always will be a girl if only on the inside at this point. As such many of you may not hear from me again for a few months, I just wanted all of you to know that I was ok and that I will be back, hopefully this will be sooner rather than later, I love you all and you have been an instrumental part of my life that helped and supported me through some very dark times but I have to do this if not just too prove that this is real to my family and maybe even to myself. You are all wonderful people and this is a wonderful site and I am counting down the days until I can come back to it, feel free to email me at masibranch@yahoo.com if there is anything important you need to tell me but otherwise I will not be accessing any other ways of communication for a while. So with that I must say goodbye for now, hopefully when I come back I'll be a better person and a better woman because of it. Forever and always, Masi xxxxxxxxxxx

FRIDAY (CONTINUED) We made our way to the bar, Monique, Faye and I, and being the only Scottish one there, I was forced to buy a drink. I nearly fainted when the price for 3 drinks came to £20.60. we were all staring at each other thinking what a short night it was going to be at these prices when the girl behind the bar came over and apologised saying she’d overcharged by £10.00… phew! Pink punters was an amazing place..designated smoking areas for those of us who have the nasty habit, dancefloors buzzing with people and quieter areas for chattin. And most importantly..incredibly well staffed with security! That made me feel very safe indeed! They were everywhere and theres a security control room that wouldn’t look out of place in the Pentagon. We headed upstairs to the quiet area and sat down to take it all in. remember id never ever been outside “en femme” before and here I was sitting in a nightclub dressed to the nines fully made up and lookin glam! The feeling was brilliant, so relaxed and yet so exciting at the same time if that makes sense. After ages talking we headed downstairs to check out the rest of the club and ended up in a dance area..it was pretty quiet at this time so it was safe for Faye and Mon to “throw some shapes”.. as for myself I cant dance but managed to sway from side to side a little, in my perfect impersonation of a slightly tipsy Scottish woman.   We had been warned about “predatory Admirers” you know..the kind of guy who goes for T girls. Im glad (and a little offended lol) to say that no one bothered us..except for a fast moving midget whose chat up line was “how do I get out of here?” followed by a sharp pull on Fayes arm. It was nearing dawn by the time we decided to leave and..guess what..they serve food! I was starving, so bought a chicken burger and chips to take back to the hotel. We walked back still on a high and said our goodnights before retiring and getting prepared for Saturday.   SATURDAY   I awake with that feeling you sometimes get..”where the hell am I and why do I have a chicken burger on my pillow?” yeah you all bin there. Saturday morning and im not as hungover as I should have been, in fact im feeling fine! Must have been running on adrenaline for the whole of Friday, but now im almost chilled. I shower and don’t have the courage to get dressed femme..so I put on a teeshirt and jeans and nip outside for a ciggie. The weather is gorgeous..i haven’t seen the sun since 2011 (august the 14th   between the hours of 3 and 3:20 pm) and its so warm! I head back to my room and have another snooze (this time without the chicken burger for company). When I awake a short time later, I decide not to be chicken, and put on my make up and a rather summery dress (told you it was warm) and a cardigan.The girls are up and we arrange to meet and go to the hotel lounge for coffee/tea.  After all my courage in putting on a dress..im delighted to see Faye and Mon are wearing jeans…thanks girls! (they were lookin glam as well though).   We head down to the lounge and no one looks twice..i love this place! There are another few T girls milling around and for once..im not the tallest! We sit and chat..have a really good laugh and I order a wine. Jaquie is due to arrive around noon and texts Monique to say she is lost (shes drivin fronYorkshire). After about half an hour she texts to say shes arrived and we all bundle out into the carpark to meet her. Shes blonde and glamorous and exactly like the person id met in the GS chatroom only a few months earlier. The one thing about Jaquie is that she goes around with a permanent smile on her face all the time and its very contagious! We get her booked in and head back to the lounge for a catch up and more laughs. I let it be known that I forgot to bring eyelashes and before I can argue..its been decided that we all go on a shopping trip to Boots which is in a retail park just up the road. To be honest it then becomes a bit of a blur for me..i have no time to think about it..one minute we are in the hotel, the next we are all walking into a busy shop on a Saturday afternoon..and im fully dressed! Jaquie goes wandering off looking at everything, I don’t recall where faye went but Monique and I choose some lashes and head for the checkout. Im beginning to feel nervous for the first time since id left home..safe environments are one thing but this is real..what if someone points and laughs? But they don’t..the girl at the checkout is determined to tell me about vouchers,,clubcards and every offer from now till Christmas..all I can do is nod smile and try to be natural. I pay and head towards the door and then it hits me..im standing alone..Mon and Faye have went away to look at make-up, Jaquie is elsewhere..im all by myself in a busy shop with lots of people around..and I freeze. Without the support of my friends around me I panic and feel incredibly vulnerable, I want to run back to the car but my legs wont move. I hang on to one arm with the other and just stand there petrified.. Faye spots me from across the shop and takes in the situation at a glance, she hurries over and gently leads me out while the others follow.. my ordeal is over..i try to have a laugh about it but im still shaking.   Back to the hotel and the French waiter asks if madam would like a refill, im staring into space before I realise he is talking to Me! I relax immediately knowing im back in a friendly place with my support group (lol). But ive learned a lesson. In the shop no one laughed or pointed..there was no abuse..im sure I saw a couple of people hurry out of the way but definitely no confrontation..if anything, my body language as I stood at the door would have been cause for a second look.   Vikki is due to arrive around 5 o clock, she phones me and we get all excited because she is such a laugh on the GS site and i cant wait to meet her. She doesn’t disappoint, within 15 seconds of her arriving, im laughing so much, she is vibrant relaxed (this was her first time too! I couldn’t believe it) and ready to have fun. We get her checked in..and after another wine , we order some food before its time to get ready for the club. I have a burger that sits in my stomach like a lead weight but it tasted ok.     We arrange to meet back downstairs at a time I cannot recall (I’m fading at this point) and I lay on my bed to have forty winks.. I sink into a deep deep sleep and awake with a start not knowing what time it is.. I need to have a shower, cleanse my face properly and start again.. already im hurrying.. into the shower..take off the nail varnish..cleanse…moisturise..clean teeth..foundation…suddenly the foundation doesn’t look as good as it did..is it because im hurrying? I cleanse it and have another shave (though I don’t need one) just to be sure. I start again..thats better..eyeliner is ok.. normally I hide my eyebrows using a certain technique and “draw” others in..but tonight it doesn’t work..my eyebrows refuse to disappear..im shaking with nerves..lipstick is fine..a little blusher..earrings are fine…but thise eyebrows!! Grrrr I hate the way I look right now. Theres a knock at the door. Its faye wondering if everything is ok..she sees my distress and tries to calm me down, but im sooo angry with the way this is going (not at her) she decides to withdraw gracefully telling me to meet her downstairs. I look in the mirror and decide to start again..geeez! Now I will never try to hurry my wife up when shes getting ready to go out!  This time I decide to leave the eyebrows alone (though im not happy at all about it) its not my look but what choice do I have?  I had bought beautiful nails and when I try them on..they don’t stick..my hands are shaking, im pretty upset..i leave them in the box and put on nail polish instead. Faye comes knocking again,, all the girls have been in the bar for ages wonderin where I was. Im as ready as ill ever be and we go downstairs together…. Faye is being so complimentary but I don’t hear the compliments..i see my eyebrows in every reflection and hate them, and now my burger is making noises in my stomach and I feel ill.   We head over to the club and its heaving!! The queue is a mile long..im very quiet..looking at all thses people I have lost my confidence again..ive hit the wall as far as energy levels go and when I go to the cashpoint it tells me I have insufficient funds. Deep breath! I try again at the cashpoint..this time im successful. I must have hit a wrong button the first time. The girls have reached the front of the queue and wave me in with them..so we head upstairs and get a drink…a girl approaches and everyones talking to her ..not me..i still feel ill… faye asks her to take a group picture and she obliges…looking back at that picture now, I look like a right miserable cow! (all because of my eyebrows lol). We head upstairs and by now the girls are worried about me…Debs hasn’t shut her mouth since she got off the plane but now…shes very quiet. I ask for a bottle of water and sip it slowly. I feel terrible. Looking around the table though im incredibly happy also. Jaquie, Vikki, Monique and Faye look absolutely fantastic and sooo excited! I cant help but smile..Jaquie is smiling as always..Vikki is buzzing with energy.Monique is smiling and asking about me and Faye..well Faye is being Faye..shes concerned about me too. Im determined not to spoil a minute of these girls time so I tell them ill be fine and hope its true..at this point I feel awful for feeling awful! But the gods have taken pity on me and after my bottle of water I begin to feel better..i begin to chat more..the stomach pains go away and im back! We drink, go outside for smokes, watch people, chat more..Monique and I have the most deep conversations about our lives  very touching for both of us..i tell her that ive watched her blossom in the course of the weekend..she has come out of herself and is one amazing girl. I hug Vikki and cannot help but push her hair out of her eyes everytime I sit next to her (she keeps flicking it over her face!) I remember that I forgot my perfume when I left the hotel and vikki offers me some..its called “BobbiBrown-Beach” I rub some on my wrists just as faye returns from the bar and says “whats that smell? Its like Cillit Bang, Cif or Jif! (all detergents). Yeah it smells very lemony..we immediately rename it Bobbi Brown Bleach! Girls..if your ever worried about the unwanted advances of admirers…just dab a spot of this on, no one came near me all night! (thankfully).   A young beautiful girl who is the drunkest person ive ever seen attaches herself to Jaquie and is talking utter nonsense. When we return from a smoke..she looks at me and im expecting some “you’re a bloke” comment when she leans over and says loudly  “APOSTROPHE”  wtf??  What does that mean?...her next word to me is “RETROSPECTIVELY”…again im nonplussed…Vikki is rolling around laughing but neither of us has a clue what shes on about.. her friend comes and drags her away and we think shes goin home…but hours later when we are leaving we spot her still going strong…ahh to have the staying power of youth!!   On Friday night I wore my black heeled sandals (3 inch) but tonight I have on the killer heels (5 inch)  my feet are aching so I take them off for a minute…bliss!  Only drawback is..ill have to put them on again. I give it half an hour before I do so and its not so bad..the copious amounts of vodka are helping numb the pain. We decide to head downstairs for a boogie but the place is so crammed we give up before faye has even had a chance to spin on her back. We head back to the upstairs bar and I get my first experience of an”admirer” I called him beer belly billy and hes just standing staring at me..i look away and ignore him. He gets the message and wobbles off in search of easier game.(shoulda given him fayes number). We are all sitting chillin when “admirer” number two arrives and plonks himself at the next table..this guy could be an advert for a serial killer and his glassy stare as he looks slowly around our table is very disconcerting..he asks us to watch his drink while he goes to the loo…he returns picks up the drink and sits next to our table on a stool…silent and creepy! We all ignore him and we experience what Genetic Girls go through on occasion..to be stared at like a piece of meat..being sized up, and having unwanted attention..if I was in Boy mode, id have told him to get lost, but im not..and I don’t have the confidence for confrontation. Like beer belly Billy, he gets the message and slopes off.   The night is drawing to a close and we head downstairs to my favourite burger bar (not another chicken burger debs! What happened to the last one?)  Monique stands in the queue waiting while I stand further down getting a drink. The young barman is all..”what’ll it be babes?” And im laughing cos im still not used to it..as its getting quieter, we start talking..hes very polite and tells me that he saw me in the previous night. Hes gay and had only just started dressing a few weeks previously..i ask him why? He says he frequents this club on his nights off and didn’t want to be recognised all the time so he had a go at dressing cos it seemed like a laugh..im looking at him thinking…nahh mate sometimes it aint a laugh..sometimes its marriage and relationship destroying, family splitting violence inducing madness.. but I say nothing. He shows me a picture on his phone of his first attempt and I almost drop the phone. The picture is of a beautiful young woman who reminds me of Tia Carerra (google her). Absolutely drop dead gorgeous, and this is his first attempt?  I resist the urge to throw his phone into the fire and instead show the pic to the other girls..we are all complimenting him and hes kinda lovin it (who could blame him lol). Meanwhile Monique is in deep conversation with a straight guy who doesn’t go for T girls but loves the club for the same reasons we have come to love it..acceptance and no (or very little) trouble. We finish our drinks and head out. Im the one determined to make it all the way back in heels and I succeed! (go me!) that’s been….around 17 hours in heels and ive made it without fallin on my arse once!   We are all painfully aware that this is the end of the adventure..there are tears in the corridor as we say goodnight and I decide to start packing straight away..this time the chicken burger gets eaten. The next morning im back in Drab..im in the carpark talking to my wife on the phone, telling her all about the weekend when blonde jaquie exits the hotel..im waving frantically but she gives me a funny look and walks on…then she does a double take and comes back..i realise shes never seen me in Boy mode before and must have thought I was some creepy guy! We all congregate in the carpark in boy mode (except jacquie who is drivin home glam style). We tell each other how we enjoyed it..there are no false niceties here..genuine friendships have been forged and I can honestly say that I loved the experience it was truly magical!  It may be that due to circumstances I never get the opportunity to repeat it but at least I can look back on those days and smile knowing that Debbie was loved by good friends and……………. I had a Blast xxx

Just feeling the need to rant after realizing it's already August. (Time flies after high school). I told myself this would be the Summer I learn or at least start to learn to drive. Yes, I'm 25 and still have this horrible fear of driving. I am a nervous/paranoid person and for those who don't know, I have Asperger's Syndrome. The reason for the title of this blog is because I'm not driving, I constantly battle this gender male stereotype in my head... Telling me things like "What kind of man doesn't drive a car?" "Men love cars so you have to drive!" "Men drive better than women so if you drive badly, YOU are a woman." I absolutely despise this voice in my head and I've brought it up a coulple times how I've been brought up and had to battle sexist beliefs. I'm so nervous to actually get behind the wheel... I keep telling myself (despite that stupid voice) that just because I'm not a driver (yet) doesn't make me less of a man. Still, I hate having this phobia and really hope to overcome it this month. PS: I know men don't drive better than women, but it's something my father ALWAYS said to me growing up and now it's just something that automatically pops up in my head when I try to drive. It really sucks. 

Will anyone recall me? Really, it's been so long since I last posted. So much has happened.    I last wrote in the fall of 2009 and it's now the spring of 2011. I am almost a different person.   Perhaps the best news I can offer is that I have finally threaded the needle of transition and have scheduled my SRS in Montreal for January of 2012. Finally, it will happen. It was a trial to get here. It was in October 2007 that I stepped out into the world completely as Ann. It is fortunate that the rush one enjoys at finally taking that step blinds one to all the stares and comments. It was a tentative time but I was blissfully unaware of the impression I was making.   Over the months and now years, I found myself -- or rather, I shed all of the insecurities of my former self and was left with this ephemeral feeling of normality. Actual, what I felt was the absence of 'wrongness' to my life. At 6' and nearly 200 lbs, I'm an attraction at the very minimum. Acceptance by others, though, came more from my growing comfort with self and acceptance of self. My confidence carries the day.   Perhaps the greatest measure of success over the last 3-1/2 years is my ability to 'dress-down' now. And how ironic that I am most readily accepted in my neighbourhood when casual in jeans and a t-shirt. Slowly, I'm tossing my early attempts at attire. How right the truism that the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual is the comfort of her shoes. I'd  add clothes to that.   This hasn't been without strain, however. With mother's passing I was at risk of being tossed from her house, where I had cared for her for 2-1/2 years by all of my siblings save one. My older brother is my hero. Nearly 18 months since her passing and I still fighting to take as my inheritance mother's house. It is safe and familiar. It is a claim to my former life that I cannot yet surrender.    I started back at school in the spring of 2010. The first courses went well but it was a challenge. The school tested me and discovered that I was, on top of everything else, ADHD. it actually felt good to know why I had struggled at school before. The help from the college has been wonderful.   My first full academic year however was a bust. Emotionally, I just wasn't strong enough. The experience however was dazzling -- magic. I took a Women's Studies Course -- which I'd recommend to everyone. My new existence unfolded in this class in ways I couldn't have imagined. I made friends - albeit, young - who accepted and responded to me. My best incident came when helping a classmate with her essay in the college library. Looking very earnestly at me during a pause in our research she tentatively asked, "May I ask a personal question?"   "Certainly." I replied, anticipating the topic   "Given how hard it must be now, what made you decide to change from business to social work?"   "Really?" I thought but didn't say aloud. How strange it is when one worries about one thing and finds that others cannot even see it.   I was asked to make some presentations. I was happy to do so.   I have applied to Social Work. I aspire to find a new career as a Social Worker or counsellor. We shall see.   Slowly things are falling into place -- in ways unimagined. I am finding the nooks and crannies of my true personality. There is a new confidence of self that is emerging between the dying embers of uncertainty, self-doubt and even self-loathing.    Gender Dysphoria has left scars. I will continue to suffer depression through my life. But there is promise of a new kind and, yes, I can even say I'm happy.