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  • 15 Feb 2012
    Fifteen and a half years ago I met an amazing woman. Incredible. She was everything I had ever wanted to find, and for some reason she seemed to like me too. A short time after we met, I told her about Kati, and although she didn’t immediately take me shopping or put make-up on me, she did seem to accept that I was a little different, and not much was said about it. We had a couple of other conversations about me over the next few months, mostly when we were quite drunk. She wasn’t keen on the feminine side of me, but perhaps in time she could come to terms with it.   We married, and have been very happy together since then. A few ups and downs as all relationships have, but mostly ups, and plenty of them.   Our conversations about Kati have been sporadic, and stilted. I have tried to keep this side of my life separate from our home life, and that seems to work. I have noticed, however, that it is becoming an elephant in the room. Whenever there is mention of cross-dressing on television or a conversation heads a little that way, we both clam up and try to avoid the topic. Because of this, I wanted to bring the subject up and for the past 18 months or so I have been trying to find a time, and a way to do that.   That time arrived two nights ago. I had convinced myself that it was my hangups that were driving this uncomfortableness and that if were were just to talk about it then we could at least move on and accept what we had known for all these years. Talking about it, after all, was really all that we needed for me to let her know more about me.    But waiting 15 years for her to come to terms with me seems to have been pointless. I would like to say we are back to square one, but in all honesty it seems a lot worse than that. Our conversation involved quite a few tears and quite a lot of “it feels like you are having an affair”. I simply don’t understand why talking about it regularly and in a calm matter-of-fact manner couldn’t address this.   I’m pretty low. I am finding it difficult to find the good in this situation. I do hope there is some that I can rescue at some point, but for now I just feel empty; the thing I had waited for so patiently - acceptance - has been whipped away from me and I simply don’t know what the next step should be.   Any comments would, as ever, be very much appreciated.   Love and hugs   Kati x
    1997 Posted by Kati Davies
  • Fifteen and a half years ago I met an amazing woman. Incredible. She was everything I had ever wanted to find, and for some reason she seemed to like me too. A short time after we met, I told her about Kati, and although she didn’t immediately take me shopping or put make-up on me, she did seem to accept that I was a little different, and not much was said about it. We had a couple of other conversations about me over the next few months, mostly when we were quite drunk. She wasn’t keen on the feminine side of me, but perhaps in time she could come to terms with it.   We married, and have been very happy together since then. A few ups and downs as all relationships have, but mostly ups, and plenty of them.   Our conversations about Kati have been sporadic, and stilted. I have tried to keep this side of my life separate from our home life, and that seems to work. I have noticed, however, that it is becoming an elephant in the room. Whenever there is mention of cross-dressing on television or a conversation heads a little that way, we both clam up and try to avoid the topic. Because of this, I wanted to bring the subject up and for the past 18 months or so I have been trying to find a time, and a way to do that.   That time arrived two nights ago. I had convinced myself that it was my hangups that were driving this uncomfortableness and that if were were just to talk about it then we could at least move on and accept what we had known for all these years. Talking about it, after all, was really all that we needed for me to let her know more about me.    But waiting 15 years for her to come to terms with me seems to have been pointless. I would like to say we are back to square one, but in all honesty it seems a lot worse than that. Our conversation involved quite a few tears and quite a lot of “it feels like you are having an affair”. I simply don’t understand why talking about it regularly and in a calm matter-of-fact manner couldn’t address this.   I’m pretty low. I am finding it difficult to find the good in this situation. I do hope there is some that I can rescue at some point, but for now I just feel empty; the thing I had waited for so patiently - acceptance - has been whipped away from me and I simply don’t know what the next step should be.   Any comments would, as ever, be very much appreciated.   Love and hugs   Kati x
    Feb 15, 2012 1997
  • 08 Sep 2011
    At least for a while I guess. I have a nephew that's hit on hard times. He has no home or job & is one step away from living on the streets. I don't allways like him but I love him to much to let that happen. So I offered to let him stay here. He can fix up the basement & stay down there.  But that means I won't be able to dress up at all. 90% of my clothes are womens clothes. Now I have to box them all up.  I am & will allways be Karen. No mater what I wear. I just don't like wearing mens clothes.  He's family, he needs help, & I can help.
    3466 Posted by Karen Brad
  • At least for a while I guess. I have a nephew that's hit on hard times. He has no home or job & is one step away from living on the streets. I don't allways like him but I love him to much to let that happen. So I offered to let him stay here. He can fix up the basement & stay down there.  But that means I won't be able to dress up at all. 90% of my clothes are womens clothes. Now I have to box them all up.  I am & will allways be Karen. No mater what I wear. I just don't like wearing mens clothes.  He's family, he needs help, & I can help.
    Sep 08, 2011 3466
  • 04 Jul 2011
    "So ya, thought ya, might like to go to the show, To feel the warm thrill of confusion, that space cadet glow..." And so it was this week that I had the privilege of feeling the warm thrill of confusion, seeing Roger Waters perform "The Wall" live at the M.E.N. Arena. By way of Catharsis I feel I must write a little about it. It was the most amazing show I have ever seen, and I have seen a few. I can't quite get over it... Words cannot express the spectacle of it, the musicianship, the design, the sheer brilliance, but I have to say something. I'd like to go through the whole show in detail, but that's not going to work, so I may pick some random bits. I'm hoping that some readers at least will know a little of the album - The Wall. It's about a rockstar named Pink... The show began with a brief flash-forward. Two Nazi-esque post-apocalyptic-nightmare soldiers marched onstage carrying a soft toy version of Pink in his stripped bare state as caricatured in the trial sequence from the animated footage of the film. A pencil outline of a strange childlike figure, emotionless and vulnerable. The soundtrack to the old film "Spartacus" boomed out as Pink's head was manipulated as though through his broken-down haze he examined the audience as if we were the ones chanting, "I'm Spartacus". The rabble reached its climax, stopped dead, and Pink was unceremoniously dropped to the floor. The soldiers marched off. And then without warning in a sudden flash, all hell was let loose... The opening bars to The Wall are thumping drums, screaming guitars and organ, playing a slow, grandiose rock piece. The drums did not thump here though, they thundered, they beat at your diaphram, they made the earth move. Banks of red maroons shot across the stage highlighting the first beat of each phrase, each double-hit of the impossibly deep drum sound. The maroons were SO bright it was surreal, lighting the whole auditorium in incandescent crimson. Giant white Roman candles fizzing across the top and bottom of the stage came at the end of the song, dazzling, almost blinding. All the pyrotechnics accompanied the stomping opening bars perfectly and stunningly. OK, now you have my attention, this is exciting, this sounds amazing, this is what I call Rock and Roll. The sound quality throughout was immaculate. I say this as a former sound-engineer, indeed I still mix the sound for our band from onstage whilst playing keyboards, singing backing vocals, and trying to look pretty. I digress... It was loud, excitingly so, but the clarity of sound was perfect. Attention to detail in every respect. Waters' vocal sat atop the mix majestically, clear and warm. He sang everything just as he did on the album, bringing a familiarity that you don't always get in a live show, but the whole sound was just, better. He's not the greatest vocalist in the world, but his voice has a certain character; his ability to wail desolately, or scream the lyrics manically is unique and brilliant within itself. I've never been his biggest fan, always preferring the musicality of Pink Floyd's David Gilmour, but I always appreciated the song-writing partnership they had, which to me stands alongside the genius of Lennon and McCartney. I think it's safe to say, I am now a fan of Roger Waters. He is a visionary. What he created 30 years ago and has once more brought back to life and revitalised was, and is, pure genius. The album was played through in its entirety true to the original format, some extended songs and solos, some brand-new brief additions here and there, no major re-working of any songs though. I've heard clips of older live performances of The Wall and it's obvious that this time Waters wanted to get back to how it was originally intended. This was wise in my opinion; it's what audiences want to hear. This was The Wall as it was supposed to be, the same arrangements but with attitude, and with one hell of a show to go with it. Snowy White was on second guitar, quite a surprise. The main guitarist, Dave Kilminster, played the big Gilmour solos note perfectly and with feeling. He blew me away, I have never heard anyone take off Gilmour so brilliantly. His playing was truly wonderful, it was a joy to behold and he certainly looked like he was getting into it. Over the course of the show, giant "puppets" appeared, as big as a house. Again these were based on the grotesque characters drawn by Gerald Scarfe for the album artwork and film; the teacher, Mother, and later the scary wife with her praying mantis arms, and lips that freakishly didn't meet at one side. At the end of the first song a plane flew from the back of the hall over the audience's heads, bursting into flames as it crashed through the wall, which at the start of the show had been built at the sides only. A follow spot hovered out from the main lighting rig above the stage and passed right above our seats, accompanied by massive helicopter noise. "YOU, yes YOU, stand still Laddie!" And then of course there was the inflatable flying pig daubed with slogans such as "Drink Kalashnikov Vodka", floating around the entire auditorium just over our heads. And all throughout the first half of the show, they gradually built a bloody great wall in front of the band... "Goodbye cruel world, I'm leaving you today... Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!" The final brick was added on the last note of the first set. The first song of the second set had no visuals. There was no band to be seen, they played from behind the wall; Waters' controversial way of making his point. All we could see was a giant, stone-textured wall. "Hey you, standing in the aisles with itchy feet and fading smiles can you feel me..?" This was strangely unnerving. The stage was lit but we couldn't see it, the follow spot faded up during the vocals, the lights shone down behind the wall. How long are we going to just see a very big wall, we wondered. Not for long... Apart from the music, the sound quality, the gigantic puppetry, the effects, and various objects flying around the arena, what really made the show different, what made it a stunning and thought-provoking visual experience, were the projections onto the wall. They were there in the first half, but with the wall now complete (and bloody massive), we saw the projections in all their glory. Not just the animations that had been used in the film, but, well, too much really to even attempt to describe. There was a strong anti-war message running throughout. It was stark, brutal, and factually up to date including hundreds of photos of real people accompanied by their name, rank or occupation and born/died dates, all who'd been killed in conflicts from the first world war through to 9/11 and beyond. It was moving, and so cleverly done... As each brick was individually added to the wall we noticed that after a second or two the new brick would light up. The entire projection area had been broken down into blocks matching the position of each physical brick in the giant wall, so that each one could be lit or projected upon independently. This innovative idea was used to such clever effect in many different ways. At one point every brick on the wall was projected with a different photo of someone lost through conflict. We became aware that occasional bricks began to "fly" backwards, leaving a black hole in the wall as the photo-brick floated away into the vastness of space. More and more bricks faded away backwards, and for final emphasis when about half the bricks randomly remained, each still showing their individual projection, they twisted and floated away together into distant space; hundreds of real people fading away. You had to be there for the impact, it was devastating. Later in the show, individual bricks appeared to explode out from the wall and hurtle forwards into the audience, each brick projection getting larger and spinning towards us. An amazing, seemingly 3D effect, all done by projection onto a very large wall. The projections - weird, wonderful, beautiful, bizarre, and it being Roger Waters, usually anarchic, were omnipresent, barely giving us time to catch our breath as the next mind-bending idea was projected across the width and height of the stadium. And all this set to the massive, "theatrical" music of The Wall. Stunning. After the first song in the second set, the "surrogate band" appeared and took up their places in front of the wall. All were wearing the pseudo Nazi style uniforms, with hammer-logo armbands instead of swastikas, black berets instead of helmets, guitars their weapons of choice. Waters returned wearing the same outfit minus beret, and at first with a long black leather coat, eyeing the band up and down as if performing a military inspection as he walked across the stage; Gestapo meets twisted, delusional rockstar, oh but it was fun. Even when he shot me with his machine gun that flashed from the barrel as he fired, and panned across the speakers as he strafed the audience. And yes he did shoot me! You know when people think the singer is looking into their eyes and is singing just to them? Well he really was shooting right at me! I cowered in my seat, raising my arms in defence, I hope he appreciated me playing along... In the first song, Waters had exclaimed with glee, just as on the album, "Lights! And all the sound effects!" Searchlights flying overhead and picking us out was spooky, but the sound effects were verging on scary! Not content with the giant stack of speakers on either side, many of the sound effects came from another pair, the same size, at the back of the room. Helicopters panned around the 4 speakers, surrounding us with their sound. Guns, bombs, and weird and wonderful noises boomed out from behind. Such volume and clarity, like some immense, rock and roll, sound and light extravaganza, fairground ride. Nearing the end the music built towards its climax of mayhem, the Nazi rally chant, "Jawohl" emphasised the beat as it marched through the stadium. Battle noises, screeches, the final wall collapse and other huge sound effects rattled your body, you felt it right through you. It was awesome, I grinned throughout, it was hard to resist laughing manically. It was frightening and feel-good all at once. This was the warm thrill of confusion; an assault on the senses, safe but terrifying, insane but wonderful. Earth shattering, mind-blowing, beautifully done. xx   Roger's entrance: Goodbye Blue Sky Photos on the wall Mother, should I trust the government? Big wall, nearly built Those bricks are coming right at us! Slightly blurry, but we were there
    2375 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • "So ya, thought ya, might like to go to the show, To feel the warm thrill of confusion, that space cadet glow..." And so it was this week that I had the privilege of feeling the warm thrill of confusion, seeing Roger Waters perform "The Wall" live at the M.E.N. Arena. By way of Catharsis I feel I must write a little about it. It was the most amazing show I have ever seen, and I have seen a few. I can't quite get over it... Words cannot express the spectacle of it, the musicianship, the design, the sheer brilliance, but I have to say something. I'd like to go through the whole show in detail, but that's not going to work, so I may pick some random bits. I'm hoping that some readers at least will know a little of the album - The Wall. It's about a rockstar named Pink... The show began with a brief flash-forward. Two Nazi-esque post-apocalyptic-nightmare soldiers marched onstage carrying a soft toy version of Pink in his stripped bare state as caricatured in the trial sequence from the animated footage of the film. A pencil outline of a strange childlike figure, emotionless and vulnerable. The soundtrack to the old film "Spartacus" boomed out as Pink's head was manipulated as though through his broken-down haze he examined the audience as if we were the ones chanting, "I'm Spartacus". The rabble reached its climax, stopped dead, and Pink was unceremoniously dropped to the floor. The soldiers marched off. And then without warning in a sudden flash, all hell was let loose... The opening bars to The Wall are thumping drums, screaming guitars and organ, playing a slow, grandiose rock piece. The drums did not thump here though, they thundered, they beat at your diaphram, they made the earth move. Banks of red maroons shot across the stage highlighting the first beat of each phrase, each double-hit of the impossibly deep drum sound. The maroons were SO bright it was surreal, lighting the whole auditorium in incandescent crimson. Giant white Roman candles fizzing across the top and bottom of the stage came at the end of the song, dazzling, almost blinding. All the pyrotechnics accompanied the stomping opening bars perfectly and stunningly. OK, now you have my attention, this is exciting, this sounds amazing, this is what I call Rock and Roll. The sound quality throughout was immaculate. I say this as a former sound-engineer, indeed I still mix the sound for our band from onstage whilst playing keyboards, singing backing vocals, and trying to look pretty. I digress... It was loud, excitingly so, but the clarity of sound was perfect. Attention to detail in every respect. Waters' vocal sat atop the mix majestically, clear and warm. He sang everything just as he did on the album, bringing a familiarity that you don't always get in a live show, but the whole sound was just, better. He's not the greatest vocalist in the world, but his voice has a certain character; his ability to wail desolately, or scream the lyrics manically is unique and brilliant within itself. I've never been his biggest fan, always preferring the musicality of Pink Floyd's David Gilmour, but I always appreciated the song-writing partnership they had, which to me stands alongside the genius of Lennon and McCartney. I think it's safe to say, I am now a fan of Roger Waters. He is a visionary. What he created 30 years ago and has once more brought back to life and revitalised was, and is, pure genius. The album was played through in its entirety true to the original format, some extended songs and solos, some brand-new brief additions here and there, no major re-working of any songs though. I've heard clips of older live performances of The Wall and it's obvious that this time Waters wanted to get back to how it was originally intended. This was wise in my opinion; it's what audiences want to hear. This was The Wall as it was supposed to be, the same arrangements but with attitude, and with one hell of a show to go with it. Snowy White was on second guitar, quite a surprise. The main guitarist, Dave Kilminster, played the big Gilmour solos note perfectly and with feeling. He blew me away, I have never heard anyone take off Gilmour so brilliantly. His playing was truly wonderful, it was a joy to behold and he certainly looked like he was getting into it. Over the course of the show, giant "puppets" appeared, as big as a house. Again these were based on the grotesque characters drawn by Gerald Scarfe for the album artwork and film; the teacher, Mother, and later the scary wife with her praying mantis arms, and lips that freakishly didn't meet at one side. At the end of the first song a plane flew from the back of the hall over the audience's heads, bursting into flames as it crashed through the wall, which at the start of the show had been built at the sides only. A follow spot hovered out from the main lighting rig above the stage and passed right above our seats, accompanied by massive helicopter noise. "YOU, yes YOU, stand still Laddie!" And then of course there was the inflatable flying pig daubed with slogans such as "Drink Kalashnikov Vodka", floating around the entire auditorium just over our heads. And all throughout the first half of the show, they gradually built a bloody great wall in front of the band... "Goodbye cruel world, I'm leaving you today... Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!" The final brick was added on the last note of the first set. The first song of the second set had no visuals. There was no band to be seen, they played from behind the wall; Waters' controversial way of making his point. All we could see was a giant, stone-textured wall. "Hey you, standing in the aisles with itchy feet and fading smiles can you feel me..?" This was strangely unnerving. The stage was lit but we couldn't see it, the follow spot faded up during the vocals, the lights shone down behind the wall. How long are we going to just see a very big wall, we wondered. Not for long... Apart from the music, the sound quality, the gigantic puppetry, the effects, and various objects flying around the arena, what really made the show different, what made it a stunning and thought-provoking visual experience, were the projections onto the wall. They were there in the first half, but with the wall now complete (and bloody massive), we saw the projections in all their glory. Not just the animations that had been used in the film, but, well, too much really to even attempt to describe. There was a strong anti-war message running throughout. It was stark, brutal, and factually up to date including hundreds of photos of real people accompanied by their name, rank or occupation and born/died dates, all who'd been killed in conflicts from the first world war through to 9/11 and beyond. It was moving, and so cleverly done... As each brick was individually added to the wall we noticed that after a second or two the new brick would light up. The entire projection area had been broken down into blocks matching the position of each physical brick in the giant wall, so that each one could be lit or projected upon independently. This innovative idea was used to such clever effect in many different ways. At one point every brick on the wall was projected with a different photo of someone lost through conflict. We became aware that occasional bricks began to "fly" backwards, leaving a black hole in the wall as the photo-brick floated away into the vastness of space. More and more bricks faded away backwards, and for final emphasis when about half the bricks randomly remained, each still showing their individual projection, they twisted and floated away together into distant space; hundreds of real people fading away. You had to be there for the impact, it was devastating. Later in the show, individual bricks appeared to explode out from the wall and hurtle forwards into the audience, each brick projection getting larger and spinning towards us. An amazing, seemingly 3D effect, all done by projection onto a very large wall. The projections - weird, wonderful, beautiful, bizarre, and it being Roger Waters, usually anarchic, were omnipresent, barely giving us time to catch our breath as the next mind-bending idea was projected across the width and height of the stadium. And all this set to the massive, "theatrical" music of The Wall. Stunning. After the first song in the second set, the "surrogate band" appeared and took up their places in front of the wall. All were wearing the pseudo Nazi style uniforms, with hammer-logo armbands instead of swastikas, black berets instead of helmets, guitars their weapons of choice. Waters returned wearing the same outfit minus beret, and at first with a long black leather coat, eyeing the band up and down as if performing a military inspection as he walked across the stage; Gestapo meets twisted, delusional rockstar, oh but it was fun. Even when he shot me with his machine gun that flashed from the barrel as he fired, and panned across the speakers as he strafed the audience. And yes he did shoot me! You know when people think the singer is looking into their eyes and is singing just to them? Well he really was shooting right at me! I cowered in my seat, raising my arms in defence, I hope he appreciated me playing along... In the first song, Waters had exclaimed with glee, just as on the album, "Lights! And all the sound effects!" Searchlights flying overhead and picking us out was spooky, but the sound effects were verging on scary! Not content with the giant stack of speakers on either side, many of the sound effects came from another pair, the same size, at the back of the room. Helicopters panned around the 4 speakers, surrounding us with their sound. Guns, bombs, and weird and wonderful noises boomed out from behind. Such volume and clarity, like some immense, rock and roll, sound and light extravaganza, fairground ride. Nearing the end the music built towards its climax of mayhem, the Nazi rally chant, "Jawohl" emphasised the beat as it marched through the stadium. Battle noises, screeches, the final wall collapse and other huge sound effects rattled your body, you felt it right through you. It was awesome, I grinned throughout, it was hard to resist laughing manically. It was frightening and feel-good all at once. This was the warm thrill of confusion; an assault on the senses, safe but terrifying, insane but wonderful. Earth shattering, mind-blowing, beautifully done. xx   Roger's entrance: Goodbye Blue Sky Photos on the wall Mother, should I trust the government? Big wall, nearly built Those bricks are coming right at us! Slightly blurry, but we were there
    Jul 04, 2011 2375
  • 03 Jul 2016
    Had a nasty scare this week.  It seemed like I was having another stroke.  Spent a day in ER/A&E being checked out.  Tests confirmed no NEW brain damage, but apparently it is not that uncommon to have a return of problems even months later.  Last week I walked a mile and a half one day.  This weekend it was hard to walk much shorter distances.  They reassured me that I would be ok and approved an increase in exercise immediately.  So, flats for the near future. Good news is that Sundance has greatly improved mentally.  Can tell me all about 1066 and current events.  Looking to get her out of hospital and maybe share an apartment when she is better physically. I picked a rotten time to go weak. Our relationship may be the best it ever has been.  I do not know if she remembers Wendy and am almost afraid to ask.   Nobody should ever have to come Out TWICE!  At least I remember Wendy and am even more comfortable with the girl from up in the loft.   I am getting to shop for clothes/shoes for Sundance now, which is fun...when the shoes fit. It is nice that I started this blog so long ago as I have a place to retrieve important memories.   Blogs were a great idea, Katie, thank you so much.  HUGS. Had to get ears re-pierced.  Fun the second time, too. Thanks to all my well-wishers this year.   
    922 Posted by wendy larsen
  • Had a nasty scare this week.  It seemed like I was having another stroke.  Spent a day in ER/A&E being checked out.  Tests confirmed no NEW brain damage, but apparently it is not that uncommon to have a return of problems even months later.  Last week I walked a mile and a half one day.  This weekend it was hard to walk much shorter distances.  They reassured me that I would be ok and approved an increase in exercise immediately.  So, flats for the near future. Good news is that Sundance has greatly improved mentally.  Can tell me all about 1066 and current events.  Looking to get her out of hospital and maybe share an apartment when she is better physically. I picked a rotten time to go weak. Our relationship may be the best it ever has been.  I do not know if she remembers Wendy and am almost afraid to ask.   Nobody should ever have to come Out TWICE!  At least I remember Wendy and am even more comfortable with the girl from up in the loft.   I am getting to shop for clothes/shoes for Sundance now, which is fun...when the shoes fit. It is nice that I started this blog so long ago as I have a place to retrieve important memories.   Blogs were a great idea, Katie, thank you so much.  HUGS. Had to get ears re-pierced.  Fun the second time, too. Thanks to all my well-wishers this year.   
    Jul 03, 2016 922
  • 21 May 2016
    It's been awhile since I've last visited this site. How's everyone doing? I finally got the balls to get my hair cut lol. This was a big deal for me because I come from a religious family and my father is always looking at girls with short hair saying remarks like "Dyke on a bike" and "Carpet Muncher" so I thought if I got my hair cut he'd get mad and say that to me. I was worried over nothing though because my family actually likes my hair. My dad did seem shocked, but didn't turn out too bad. It feels so much better having hair like this and I feel one step closer to being myself. :)
    1231 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • It's been awhile since I've last visited this site. How's everyone doing? I finally got the balls to get my hair cut lol. This was a big deal for me because I come from a religious family and my father is always looking at girls with short hair saying remarks like "Dyke on a bike" and "Carpet Muncher" so I thought if I got my hair cut he'd get mad and say that to me. I was worried over nothing though because my family actually likes my hair. My dad did seem shocked, but didn't turn out too bad. It feels so much better having hair like this and I feel one step closer to being myself. :)
    May 21, 2016 1231
  • 20 Oct 2015
    I am sitting here in panties, yoga pants, and a cute little blue t-shirt top with cropped arms and sailboats emblazoned across the front. Not the sexiest outfit in the world, but I’m not looking for sex. Just doing laundry and cooking some dinner. Like any other woman in the world. Whether we admit it or not, how we dress can be an important component to our identities as transwomen. And, how transwomen dress is the subject of so many stereotypes and cliches that folks are often disturbed to find out that most of us dress like plain ol’ regular everyday women. Sure, those stereotypes and cliches do exist, and that is okay. There is room enough for all of us in this gargantuan tent known as gender identity. However, there is a point for many of us at which the clothing choices cease to have any bearing on our gender identity. (I’ve changed clothes, by the way. Unflattering pajama pants and a sports team t-shirt. Dinner is done, the dishes are washed. Laundry is still going.) When I was five-years-old, I slipped on a pair of my mom’s flats and walked into the living where where she and my dad sat watching television with my little brother. I looked up at my mom, and said, “I want to be a girl.” Her response was to ask me why. I told her, “Because they get to wear all the good clothes.” At five-years-old, clothes represented everything I knew about girls. Everything. I had no idea about their genitalia, and it being sooooo many years prior to the Internet, I had no way of find out. Girls wore pretty clothes. They jumped rope. They told secrets to each other. Girls were pretty. I really wanted to be a pretty girl. Fast forward about forty years or so. I am working in Saudi Arabia, where transgenderism can get you thrown in prison and awarded a multitude of lashes to be meted out in public. I had no girl clothes. Life hadn’t gone the way I planned, and I never became the woman I wanted to be. I fell in love and was working to ensure life went well for others. But, my female identity didn’t disappear. In fact, if anything, it strengthened because I realized that being female was who I was. As a person. Clothes didn’t matter. Breasts didn’t matter. Genitalia didn’t matter. I was - I am - a woman. Clothes are, and always will be, an important part of the transgender community. We all love to get gussied up and go out. For some, the clothes are the thing. For others, the facade is the thing. For still others, they’re simply clothes.
    2705 Posted by Jessi Grace
  • I am sitting here in panties, yoga pants, and a cute little blue t-shirt top with cropped arms and sailboats emblazoned across the front. Not the sexiest outfit in the world, but I’m not looking for sex. Just doing laundry and cooking some dinner. Like any other woman in the world. Whether we admit it or not, how we dress can be an important component to our identities as transwomen. And, how transwomen dress is the subject of so many stereotypes and cliches that folks are often disturbed to find out that most of us dress like plain ol’ regular everyday women. Sure, those stereotypes and cliches do exist, and that is okay. There is room enough for all of us in this gargantuan tent known as gender identity. However, there is a point for many of us at which the clothing choices cease to have any bearing on our gender identity. (I’ve changed clothes, by the way. Unflattering pajama pants and a sports team t-shirt. Dinner is done, the dishes are washed. Laundry is still going.) When I was five-years-old, I slipped on a pair of my mom’s flats and walked into the living where where she and my dad sat watching television with my little brother. I looked up at my mom, and said, “I want to be a girl.” Her response was to ask me why. I told her, “Because they get to wear all the good clothes.” At five-years-old, clothes represented everything I knew about girls. Everything. I had no idea about their genitalia, and it being sooooo many years prior to the Internet, I had no way of find out. Girls wore pretty clothes. They jumped rope. They told secrets to each other. Girls were pretty. I really wanted to be a pretty girl. Fast forward about forty years or so. I am working in Saudi Arabia, where transgenderism can get you thrown in prison and awarded a multitude of lashes to be meted out in public. I had no girl clothes. Life hadn’t gone the way I planned, and I never became the woman I wanted to be. I fell in love and was working to ensure life went well for others. But, my female identity didn’t disappear. In fact, if anything, it strengthened because I realized that being female was who I was. As a person. Clothes didn’t matter. Breasts didn’t matter. Genitalia didn’t matter. I was - I am - a woman. Clothes are, and always will be, an important part of the transgender community. We all love to get gussied up and go out. For some, the clothes are the thing. For others, the facade is the thing. For still others, they’re simply clothes.
    Oct 20, 2015 2705
  • 31 May 2015
    Turns out life does not begin at 40, it begins at 42 and three quarters. At least that's how it's feeling to me. I have known all my life that I am female. As a child no one cared how you acted but as I grew up family, school and all the world, it seemed, decided it was best for me to be a man, it's what I look like after all :( At times I have tried to be this, everyone longs for acceptance and it was one of those times that has brought my life to a head and ended my fear in confronting myself and who I am. Around a year ago I made a resolution to give up my feminine interests and to try hard to be a happy successful man. I got rid of everything, clothes, shoes, even half way stuff. I tried to take pride in male fashion and appearance, vowed to workout more and build a muscular physique, grew a beard kept my hair clipped and thinking it would be a male sport, took up martial arts. I was wrong about the martial arts class (some nights there are more women than men!) and a deep trusting friendship began between myself and a woman. She was going through a difficult divorce, escaping a very controlling marriage and a repressed life. I could empathise with that and in her darker moments I kept her company through coffees, shopping and phone messages. She made it quite clear that she was not looking for a relationship, just company and that was good by me. I am caring, genuine and kind hearted in my nature and through that people often want to help me. Like many she could see the sadness in my eyes and wanted to boost my confidence. She was going through a tough time and longed for physical closeness which she got through close friendships with men but non committing. So to help my confidence she started to flirt, to show me I have desirability by women. So new years eve, totally out the blue after all we'd said about just being friends. She kissed and caressed me and I her. It was awkward and rigid but the kissing and closeness was nice but it felt completely wrong. I sent out some pretty confusing signals after that and I don't think we talked for a week or more. I hadn't been physically close to anyone in ten years and the rising confusion mulled in with an ever increasing panic of increasing isolation brewed in my head until it became too much. Following a stressful incident at work I had a mental breakdown. I just felt so lost and condemned to live a life that dosent belong to me. I became suicidal. It was not the first time, though I'm no drama queen. I thought I was alone. I don't mean that I didn't know other women were going through this, just that Noone was reachable by me. Turns out I was wrong and a great many of my friends, despite my best efforts refused to let go. What happened next was unexpected but so very welcome. ♥
    1135 Posted by Andie Priscilla Swainson
  • Turns out life does not begin at 40, it begins at 42 and three quarters. At least that's how it's feeling to me. I have known all my life that I am female. As a child no one cared how you acted but as I grew up family, school and all the world, it seemed, decided it was best for me to be a man, it's what I look like after all :( At times I have tried to be this, everyone longs for acceptance and it was one of those times that has brought my life to a head and ended my fear in confronting myself and who I am. Around a year ago I made a resolution to give up my feminine interests and to try hard to be a happy successful man. I got rid of everything, clothes, shoes, even half way stuff. I tried to take pride in male fashion and appearance, vowed to workout more and build a muscular physique, grew a beard kept my hair clipped and thinking it would be a male sport, took up martial arts. I was wrong about the martial arts class (some nights there are more women than men!) and a deep trusting friendship began between myself and a woman. She was going through a difficult divorce, escaping a very controlling marriage and a repressed life. I could empathise with that and in her darker moments I kept her company through coffees, shopping and phone messages. She made it quite clear that she was not looking for a relationship, just company and that was good by me. I am caring, genuine and kind hearted in my nature and through that people often want to help me. Like many she could see the sadness in my eyes and wanted to boost my confidence. She was going through a tough time and longed for physical closeness which she got through close friendships with men but non committing. So to help my confidence she started to flirt, to show me I have desirability by women. So new years eve, totally out the blue after all we'd said about just being friends. She kissed and caressed me and I her. It was awkward and rigid but the kissing and closeness was nice but it felt completely wrong. I sent out some pretty confusing signals after that and I don't think we talked for a week or more. I hadn't been physically close to anyone in ten years and the rising confusion mulled in with an ever increasing panic of increasing isolation brewed in my head until it became too much. Following a stressful incident at work I had a mental breakdown. I just felt so lost and condemned to live a life that dosent belong to me. I became suicidal. It was not the first time, though I'm no drama queen. I thought I was alone. I don't mean that I didn't know other women were going through this, just that Noone was reachable by me. Turns out I was wrong and a great many of my friends, despite my best efforts refused to let go. What happened next was unexpected but so very welcome. ♥
    May 31, 2015 1135
  • 24 Dec 2014
    So this is Christmas.   My Grateful List:   1. i'm grateful i found this place and that you all have been so kind to me. 2. i'm grateful that I see a little bit more of marissa every day when i look in the mirror. 3. i'm grateful for the roof over my head and the food i eat. 4. i'm grateful for my ugly grrrrls and for the love they show me no matter what. 5. i'm grateful that just maybe sometime soon, i might be the person i have always been inside. 6. i'm grateful for the support of my friends who love me warts and all.   some other thoughts...   my profession taught me long ago that people's live can change forver in a matter of seconds... that terrible things happen to good people...   People may know that you love them uncondtionally but they still need to hear from you...   Never walk out the door without telling the people that you love that you love them...   Never go to bed angry...   Never say things in anger that you will regret later. The people you love will remember your words long after they have forgotten your apology...   Do the right things...even when no one is looking.   Don't undermine your partner in front of your children...   Always remember that your kids learn what they live...   An ounce of tolerance can go a long, long way...   No one expects you to be perfect, you shouldn't either...   I truly hope that all your Christmas wishes are answered. Thank you for allowing me to be here and to be with you all. I wish you all the best today and always.
  • So this is Christmas.   My Grateful List:   1. i'm grateful i found this place and that you all have been so kind to me. 2. i'm grateful that I see a little bit more of marissa every day when i look in the mirror. 3. i'm grateful for the roof over my head and the food i eat. 4. i'm grateful for my ugly grrrrls and for the love they show me no matter what. 5. i'm grateful that just maybe sometime soon, i might be the person i have always been inside. 6. i'm grateful for the support of my friends who love me warts and all.   some other thoughts...   my profession taught me long ago that people's live can change forver in a matter of seconds... that terrible things happen to good people...   People may know that you love them uncondtionally but they still need to hear from you...   Never walk out the door without telling the people that you love that you love them...   Never go to bed angry...   Never say things in anger that you will regret later. The people you love will remember your words long after they have forgotten your apology...   Do the right things...even when no one is looking.   Don't undermine your partner in front of your children...   Always remember that your kids learn what they live...   An ounce of tolerance can go a long, long way...   No one expects you to be perfect, you shouldn't either...   I truly hope that all your Christmas wishes are answered. Thank you for allowing me to be here and to be with you all. I wish you all the best today and always.
    Dec 24, 2014 904
  • 06 Nov 2014
    My son - approaching five years old, has expressed a desire to own the dress from Disney's 'Frozen'. I listen to my wife explain this to me, and she discourages me from reacting insensitively to his request. I feign indifference but inwardly recoil, not because of some macho reaction to my son's current proclivity towards Princess dresses, but in fear that this might be more than a child-like intrigue. I would not wish him to be as troubled as me. I too am frozen for the moment but warmly loving.
    1715 Posted by Rachel de Blanc
  • My son - approaching five years old, has expressed a desire to own the dress from Disney's 'Frozen'. I listen to my wife explain this to me, and she discourages me from reacting insensitively to his request. I feign indifference but inwardly recoil, not because of some macho reaction to my son's current proclivity towards Princess dresses, but in fear that this might be more than a child-like intrigue. I would not wish him to be as troubled as me. I too am frozen for the moment but warmly loving.
    Nov 06, 2014 1715
  • 08 Sep 2014
    My friends comment when I told him was. “Rose no one does complicated like you.” At that time I had to agree with him, my change of address, change of job, change of career, starting my new career at the foot of the ladder was complicated for me but I managed to stay sane, I think, and grow in confidence and yes I'm still learning to be me, a lifetimes learning telescoped into 2 years, so far has allowed me to live my life as I want to be. Yes I'm miss-gendered daily; well I work with older people and in truth my voice needs a lot of work before it will pass however with my work colleagues, managers  and professionals I work with  it's different because to them I believe I am just one of the girls and for that I am very very happy and thankful.     One comment I hear a lot is you must be very brave and really that is what this blogs about because no I'm not brave, I was desperate I could not live my old life anymore and the need to do something was very very real.. I bet most of you who have are in the process like me or have transitioned or are thinking about it, have had the same feelings. Telling people this is not easy so I just say no braver than anyone else. I am also told sometime be people I meet socially. “I  like you, it must be hard being different.” That one hurts I don’t want to be different not in the way they mean I am different but no more than we all as human beings are different,  every one of us is unique and that is something worth celebrating. I want to be your ordinary /extraordinary? real woman getting on with her life having a circle of friends to do girls nights out etc.  I am different and yes I do understand from the perspective of most people I am different but I myself do not believe I am that different. At work and in my volunteering roles am making positive improvements to people's life, small changes that I can do words, support, help and things that help them, I love being able to help and be caring not just a carer, there is no one who can be a carer without caring really. (It’s a hard job not financially rewarding, at least not in the UK, but rewarding non the less).     OK where is this going? you ask and you would be right to ask this because really this blogs about how we can change people’s attitudes to us and in us I mean all of us that are seeking to: make are thinking, are fighting internal battles, are constrained, want or have made changes to bring our public us in line with our internal us. It is us the we who can help to bring positive changes so that people do not say we are brave and instead accept us as part of the gender we wish to be seen as. I do try to be a good person it's who I am really and I'm me a fledgling on the pathway still waiting to get those magical medical words "Yes you can start your hormones" and then later yes you can have the op you so so want.     I will leave you with this thought really all of us have our own battles or own successes and our own setbacks but we know why we started on the road we have; and some of us know where we think we want to get to others are less sure. I just hope that the road is a smooth one for you and to tell you that together we are stronger and if we all help each other; then the road will be an easier one for us all. I know that the help many of you on the this site both past and present have given me, really helped make my journey an easier one so thank you so so much for your love and friendship xxxxx
    1878 Posted by Rose Cox
  • My friends comment when I told him was. “Rose no one does complicated like you.” At that time I had to agree with him, my change of address, change of job, change of career, starting my new career at the foot of the ladder was complicated for me but I managed to stay sane, I think, and grow in confidence and yes I'm still learning to be me, a lifetimes learning telescoped into 2 years, so far has allowed me to live my life as I want to be. Yes I'm miss-gendered daily; well I work with older people and in truth my voice needs a lot of work before it will pass however with my work colleagues, managers  and professionals I work with  it's different because to them I believe I am just one of the girls and for that I am very very happy and thankful.     One comment I hear a lot is you must be very brave and really that is what this blogs about because no I'm not brave, I was desperate I could not live my old life anymore and the need to do something was very very real.. I bet most of you who have are in the process like me or have transitioned or are thinking about it, have had the same feelings. Telling people this is not easy so I just say no braver than anyone else. I am also told sometime be people I meet socially. “I  like you, it must be hard being different.” That one hurts I don’t want to be different not in the way they mean I am different but no more than we all as human beings are different,  every one of us is unique and that is something worth celebrating. I want to be your ordinary /extraordinary? real woman getting on with her life having a circle of friends to do girls nights out etc.  I am different and yes I do understand from the perspective of most people I am different but I myself do not believe I am that different. At work and in my volunteering roles am making positive improvements to people's life, small changes that I can do words, support, help and things that help them, I love being able to help and be caring not just a carer, there is no one who can be a carer without caring really. (It’s a hard job not financially rewarding, at least not in the UK, but rewarding non the less).     OK where is this going? you ask and you would be right to ask this because really this blogs about how we can change people’s attitudes to us and in us I mean all of us that are seeking to: make are thinking, are fighting internal battles, are constrained, want or have made changes to bring our public us in line with our internal us. It is us the we who can help to bring positive changes so that people do not say we are brave and instead accept us as part of the gender we wish to be seen as. I do try to be a good person it's who I am really and I'm me a fledgling on the pathway still waiting to get those magical medical words "Yes you can start your hormones" and then later yes you can have the op you so so want.     I will leave you with this thought really all of us have our own battles or own successes and our own setbacks but we know why we started on the road we have; and some of us know where we think we want to get to others are less sure. I just hope that the road is a smooth one for you and to tell you that together we are stronger and if we all help each other; then the road will be an easier one for us all. I know that the help many of you on the this site both past and present have given me, really helped make my journey an easier one so thank you so so much for your love and friendship xxxxx
    Sep 08, 2014 1878