View By Date

Please Visit Our Sponsor



Tags

Statistics

  • 5408
    Blogs
  • 365
    Active Bloggers
5347 blogs
  • 28 Jul 2016
    Self administration of oestrogens   As promised, in my recent initial lblog recommending only to commence medication under Medical Supervision/ Monitoring. In the event of a decision to by-pass the unacceptably long wait for an initial appointment in the Gender Identity Clinic (2-3 years as opposed to the Governments insistence that there be no more than 18 weeks wait), girls may, understandably, feel pressurised, and to see no alternative but to order Oestrogens via the internet; and, to commence then their own medication, unsupervised. Internet:   there is no guarantee of quality or dosage control, nor that the drug is in reality as claimed.   Vehicle, Preparation and side effects:   Oral (tablets); Skin(absorption) as patches or gel; sub-dermal implants require local anaesthesia, and are consequently not available. Preparation: Blood pressure check is vital: no therapy should commence until it is stable and fully controlled.  History: self administration should be with-held in the presence of a history of Cerebro-vascular accident (stroke): 'blood clots': Liver disorders: heart disease. Side effects: In the presence of such problems (Fluid retention, Depression, Headaches, leg-cramps, sore breasts, indegestion. bloating, etc) one can a) switch to an alternative form of Oestrogen b)change the dose c) tail off (Not suddenly stop) medication d) seek medical advice. relief may be achieved by taking oral therapy with food. Breast tenderness can be eased by a low fat, high carbs diet. Exercise/stretching can reduce leg cramps. INSURMOUNTABLE OBJECTIONS: 1) Obligatory, initial, medical history and examination is absent. A repeat examination at 6 months is also absent. 2) No baseline serological tests have been taken (essential for performance monitoring) 3) dose titration, adjusted by repeat sex hormone analysis after 8 weeks of initial treatment, is unavailable. 4) Oestroden and Testosterone Levels: targeting is absent, as an essential base for titration management, dose adjustment and potential additional medication. 5) no regular assessment of Liver Function Tests (oral therapy's serious risk factor) is undertaken, either prior to of during therapy.   COMMENT: Desperation (particularly for Orthopaedic proceedures) occurs in the UK, as a result of inadequate funding across all sectors of the NHS. However, the same NHS have always maintained a particularly high level of denial and chronic under-funding with regard to Gender Services. Their forward planning is in respect of less than 1% of the population with Trans status. Epidemiological studies (ignored or repudiated) indicate it is more like 2.75%! This, unacceptable situation is compounded by staffing difficulties with respect to Doctors with the necessary training (blame the EU for the lost 3000 hours of training per doctor); and, I have found presonally as a Professor of Surgery, a most surprising and worrying level of Transphobia in a Nursing Profession, otherwise dedicated to the general well-being of patients - hence another source of difficulty in attracting quality staff to the service.   DISCLAIMER:   I make absolutely no criticism of those of my community who follow the above route: "presonal choice" is enshrined in the modern NHS, and has always been the keystone of my professional life. I merely wish to make my sisters aware of all the risks, before they make their own personal INFORMED decision.   PERSONAL VIEW (Conclusion): I would not drive  completely blindfolded ( in my old-fashioned non self-driving vehicle) up the motorway system from my grand child's home near Lausanne to see my other grandson in Zurich. So, why would I have any desire to do the same with my health and hormones? 
  • Self administration of oestrogens   As promised, in my recent initial lblog recommending only to commence medication under Medical Supervision/ Monitoring. In the event of a decision to by-pass the unacceptably long wait for an initial appointment in the Gender Identity Clinic (2-3 years as opposed to the Governments insistence that there be no more than 18 weeks wait), girls may, understandably, feel pressurised, and to see no alternative but to order Oestrogens via the internet; and, to commence then their own medication, unsupervised. Internet:   there is no guarantee of quality or dosage control, nor that the drug is in reality as claimed.   Vehicle, Preparation and side effects:   Oral (tablets); Skin(absorption) as patches or gel; sub-dermal implants require local anaesthesia, and are consequently not available. Preparation: Blood pressure check is vital: no therapy should commence until it is stable and fully controlled.  History: self administration should be with-held in the presence of a history of Cerebro-vascular accident (stroke): 'blood clots': Liver disorders: heart disease. Side effects: In the presence of such problems (Fluid retention, Depression, Headaches, leg-cramps, sore breasts, indegestion. bloating, etc) one can a) switch to an alternative form of Oestrogen b)change the dose c) tail off (Not suddenly stop) medication d) seek medical advice. relief may be achieved by taking oral therapy with food. Breast tenderness can be eased by a low fat, high carbs diet. Exercise/stretching can reduce leg cramps. INSURMOUNTABLE OBJECTIONS: 1) Obligatory, initial, medical history and examination is absent. A repeat examination at 6 months is also absent. 2) No baseline serological tests have been taken (essential for performance monitoring) 3) dose titration, adjusted by repeat sex hormone analysis after 8 weeks of initial treatment, is unavailable. 4) Oestroden and Testosterone Levels: targeting is absent, as an essential base for titration management, dose adjustment and potential additional medication. 5) no regular assessment of Liver Function Tests (oral therapy's serious risk factor) is undertaken, either prior to of during therapy.   COMMENT: Desperation (particularly for Orthopaedic proceedures) occurs in the UK, as a result of inadequate funding across all sectors of the NHS. However, the same NHS have always maintained a particularly high level of denial and chronic under-funding with regard to Gender Services. Their forward planning is in respect of less than 1% of the population with Trans status. Epidemiological studies (ignored or repudiated) indicate it is more like 2.75%! This, unacceptable situation is compounded by staffing difficulties with respect to Doctors with the necessary training (blame the EU for the lost 3000 hours of training per doctor); and, I have found presonally as a Professor of Surgery, a most surprising and worrying level of Transphobia in a Nursing Profession, otherwise dedicated to the general well-being of patients - hence another source of difficulty in attracting quality staff to the service.   DISCLAIMER:   I make absolutely no criticism of those of my community who follow the above route: "presonal choice" is enshrined in the modern NHS, and has always been the keystone of my professional life. I merely wish to make my sisters aware of all the risks, before they make their own personal INFORMED decision.   PERSONAL VIEW (Conclusion): I would not drive  completely blindfolded ( in my old-fashioned non self-driving vehicle) up the motorway system from my grand child's home near Lausanne to see my other grandson in Zurich. So, why would I have any desire to do the same with my health and hormones? 
    Jul 28, 2016 531
  • 26 Jul 2016
    How's everyone doing? I was just looking at pictures of people that got top surgery online and am wondering if it's really going to work for me... Anyone on here that got the surgery recommend it and completely satisfied with their results? I thought about chest binding, but I really wanted to just get rid of my breasts completely considering chest binding can be dangerous anyway. (I tend to be a paranoid person so I wonder if I went with chest binding, if I'd always worry about lumps). Problem is, I'm just not sure if I'll feel "real" enough with the top surgery after looking at the pics. Any advice/input is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
    498 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • How's everyone doing? I was just looking at pictures of people that got top surgery online and am wondering if it's really going to work for me... Anyone on here that got the surgery recommend it and completely satisfied with their results? I thought about chest binding, but I really wanted to just get rid of my breasts completely considering chest binding can be dangerous anyway. (I tend to be a paranoid person so I wonder if I went with chest binding, if I'd always worry about lumps). Problem is, I'm just not sure if I'll feel "real" enough with the top surgery after looking at the pics. Any advice/input is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
    Jul 26, 2016 498
  • 25 Jul 2016
    I have frequently been asked at our Group Sessions what is the best way to take self administers Hormones. the simple answer is "don't"!! Seek professional advice, from day one, through your General Medical Practitioner". The next remark I hear is that the Oestrogens have been supplied, via the internet, in the intervening period between GP referral to a designated Gender Identity Clinic and their first appointment. Exeter is presently over 9 months wait for an initial appointment; and, most of the rest, one to three years. Newcastle, for non-locals is an unbelievable twelve and a half years! No surprise that Transgender individuals are not prepared to wait.   My Medical qualificaions include full postgraduate training in Endocrinology, prior to my inevitable move into a surgical career: Plastic and then Ophthalmic-Plastic Surgery in the UK. I retired earlier this year as an University Professor. I propose, in a cocidil to this blog, to elaborate on the problems of treatment and dose adjustment in the clinical arena; as an illustration of the impossibility of achieving and sustaining any semblance of satisfactory progression via self-administration.
  • I have frequently been asked at our Group Sessions what is the best way to take self administers Hormones. the simple answer is "don't"!! Seek professional advice, from day one, through your General Medical Practitioner". The next remark I hear is that the Oestrogens have been supplied, via the internet, in the intervening period between GP referral to a designated Gender Identity Clinic and their first appointment. Exeter is presently over 9 months wait for an initial appointment; and, most of the rest, one to three years. Newcastle, for non-locals is an unbelievable twelve and a half years! No surprise that Transgender individuals are not prepared to wait.   My Medical qualificaions include full postgraduate training in Endocrinology, prior to my inevitable move into a surgical career: Plastic and then Ophthalmic-Plastic Surgery in the UK. I retired earlier this year as an University Professor. I propose, in a cocidil to this blog, to elaborate on the problems of treatment and dose adjustment in the clinical arena; as an illustration of the impossibility of achieving and sustaining any semblance of satisfactory progression via self-administration.
    Jul 25, 2016 482
  • 25 Jul 2016
    So I'm on my phone... Forgive me if there are weird typos... I just wanted to reach out to you lovely girls and let you know that it's never too late to be yourself. There's no need to be ashamed of being transgender. We have existed since the very beginning. Being Trans, a cross dresser, fem boy, Trans guy whatever is nothing new. We are here to stay and we are going to look good doing it too ;) My inbox is open to anyone and everyone here and I'll do the best I can go help you, because it helps me :) Last but not least, to the true allies, congratulate yourself for your humanity, open mindedness, and compassion. We love you! -Kira <3
    324 Posted by Kira B
  • By Kira B
    So I'm on my phone... Forgive me if there are weird typos... I just wanted to reach out to you lovely girls and let you know that it's never too late to be yourself. There's no need to be ashamed of being transgender. We have existed since the very beginning. Being Trans, a cross dresser, fem boy, Trans guy whatever is nothing new. We are here to stay and we are going to look good doing it too ;) My inbox is open to anyone and everyone here and I'll do the best I can go help you, because it helps me :) Last but not least, to the true allies, congratulate yourself for your humanity, open mindedness, and compassion. We love you! -Kira <3
    Jul 25, 2016 324
  • 24 Jul 2016
    Wow... So looking back at my two previous posts I see I have come a long way (in most regards) since I first found this site (and abandoned it) a year ago. I have gained a lot of maturity and wisdom toward my transition. I've also gotten much better with my make up haha... That picture on my second post though...ugh... I don't know which is worst, the title of the blog post or the picture.   Anyway, I'm back (hopefully for good this time) and excited to try and help everyone breath life into this community. It has so much potential!   P.S. I dropped the name Laurel weeks after posting here the first two times. I decided on Kira in December of last year. So...   Love you guys!-Kira
    358 Posted by Kira B
  • By Kira B
    Wow... So looking back at my two previous posts I see I have come a long way (in most regards) since I first found this site (and abandoned it) a year ago. I have gained a lot of maturity and wisdom toward my transition. I've also gotten much better with my make up haha... That picture on my second post though...ugh... I don't know which is worst, the title of the blog post or the picture.   Anyway, I'm back (hopefully for good this time) and excited to try and help everyone breath life into this community. It has so much potential!   P.S. I dropped the name Laurel weeks after posting here the first two times. I decided on Kira in December of last year. So...   Love you guys!-Kira
    Jul 24, 2016 358
  • 19 Jul 2016
    Hello Ladies - Another entry in the ongoing jounral of Briana Q - ( I actually do this as a sort of diary I suppose ). It has been some time since the last entry - much seems the same, yet there are new things afoot. I find time and again how many threads of my past were always interwoven with being myself ( a transgender woman ) and how I ran from it and even outright denied it. Today and for the last several years since ( as I call it ) the bubble burst - I have come to see my true image and self as the woman I am.  A classic example comes from fiction writing I did many years ago from childhood on as a hobby. Two of the key characters turn out to be transgender mtf's hiding in plain sight ( even before I knew that there were transgender people or a term for it ). In writing about them I personally could feel the release, though I kept my personal feelings out of discussion with others who might look at my work. Intentially I even made one female cisgender character my doppleganger - height, weight, hair, eye color, et al - and I have always seen myself as her, but never would tell a soul. Even in the work on the chacters in reflection I realize I always embodied and looked through the eyes of the female characters and strongly identified with them and saw the males as those guys over there.  That whole identiy and identifying thing has been another one of those threads I realized I kept hidden from all others, and tried often to not think about. I have even found myself making face and hand gestures of tv anchorwomen for example, almost unconsciously. I recall being quite yound and watching Barbera Streisand in What's Up Doc with my grandmother - we had a blast - laughing all the time with it. The whole time, I kept wishing I were her ( hope she never reads such a comment - would not want to offend anyone ). Being that young - feelings like that disturbed me a bit. Though I have to admit when it comes to my grandma what was cool was the fact I was the only grandchild with a nickname and it was Heidi - after the Shirley Temple character of the same movie name - that was another great time. - Other things are : Who wouldn't want to be Samantha ( Elizabeth Montgomery ) on Bewitched? - This list is enormous and comes to the present as well - I love the movie Emilie - the moment I saw it, I quickly identified with her and saw myself as her - Audrey Tautoo ( probably misspelled ) as the title character - she is fun, light-hearted, smart, fresh, intelligent, and pretty.  These identy threads were quite common - there was the show Facts of Life about 4 girls at a boarding school and operating a store - I always wanted to be one of them - but I had better ideas than they had for the characters - they had no science/math girl - I wanted to be the geek girl of the group. -- I could go on and on with this ( one day I might ) but sufficient to say I had and have an active mental landscape.  The thread theme is definitely one of the mental images of myself, much akin to a tapestry ( an early and still onging view of myself is as an Irish lass in a gorgeous multi-shade of green dress ). Threads are time too and are both external and internal. It was clear early on to me I knew how I felt but could find no cause-and-effect reason why - that is, seeing myself as a girl. Now all this time later I realize that the external threads all carry the wavelength of my being in my life, my view of myself, as a girl which have been internal all along. Still we are a combination of mostly internal threads and some external ones as well that shape the tapestry of who we are.  As noted in prior blogs I am still on course, still very much balanced - very much in tune with myself and like myself a lot. I do have my dumpy days - envying every cisgender woman on earth - feeling way too fat - don't get me started on my looks ( face , nose, hands, freckles, fat, chin, the never ending list ), having no friends ( tehnically two only and neither can know as they both hate transgender people ) - having no job ( lost after losing a 5 year battle in both the state and federal courts where a corrupt set of people where I worked deliberately destroyed not only my job but my entire career and all prospects to ever work in that area again ) and a very bizarre life that is rather boxed in for many reasons - such as too many chronic illness issues that are a perpetual battle - etc. This along with always being the least pretty girl in the room, falling back two steps with each attempted step forward, etc - amazing I find a reason to smile each day - but there are reasons : 1) alive with reasonable health that I have the ability and rational to deal with, 2) some friends ( despite having no roads to communication or freedom to be me ), 3) finally finding, acknowledging, and accepting myself as a girl after decades of creating every imaginable barrier to those thoughts and feelings. Plus 4) I am a very good person at heart, who is creative and carring , and intelligent. Even with all of that I still stick to my motto of : Resolve, Solve, Evolve - along with being a optimistic realist by nature.  Beyond balance there is an interesting fact - never in my life have I been able to laugh at myself as well as never being balanced - despite being a reasonably positive person to be around. Now not only am I more positive as a whole since fully finding myself, as well as being balanced in myself as noted, but also being able to laugh at myself. I recall the first time more than 10 years ago being on ebay when looking for slide rules and inadvertantly typing in slide and hitting enter. Up came a number of entries, children's backyard slides and a host of 35 mm slides among them. But there it was women's shoes slides - I grinned from ear to ear, my heart beat fast, I felt I had opened a secret treasure chest. I quickly looked about, of course, the normal guilt and fear then crept in - which I always projected onto all others. Now today I can look back and smile, even laugh at my insecure and struggling self - and be okay with me. It is not only transgender moments but my whole self - knowing what I really know and being able to know what I do not know, fully like myself and laugh at myself when circumstances call for it.  I have published 4 books in one year on science and math activities and seem to occupy a special niche in reading since few experiment books give substantitive depth on detail, formulae, and the like whereas I do. Most are geared for the 'wow' science of observation whereas I have crafted work where measurement and analysis of measurement are the goals of the science quest. - Unfortunately I have to use my birth name in publishing ( though I think about a great photo on back with me in a great outfit someday ) but I consider it my nom de plume. - Also there are activities where some of me comes out ( and this is on the web site of the books too ) for example pictures of a pair of my cute tennis shoes, wedges, and heels ( red no less ) are in the book and I declare they are mine. On the web site there is one essay about my favorite slide rule, the pickett B1 in my real name Briana P*** even. As for going out - the frequency is low to me, but that is because I like to and am comfortable with it. The barriers in my life are all external, which is good. In 2016 I have been to the mall a couple of times, walking all about, visiting stores, stopping for a coffee and the lke - this was in the week of St Patricks Day in March. All outings have been quite good and I felt like myself and had a great deal of confidence and energy. Thus far in July I have been to several stores and even the bank making a deposit and looking smashing I might add. The teller on July 19th even asked me - which this is a first for me - what do I prefer in being called and referred to - I noted that the account has a name already ( one I am born with ) - she said that don't matter - so I told her 'Briana' - which she called me. I almost burst into tears ( I seem to have a problem with that from time to time with sensitive movies and the like ). Still a great day to hold near and dear to me. It was like the first time ( the Henry Ford museum trip ) when I asked someone to take my photo and the museum host, a woman at the Fuller house, did this and was quite nice - not to mention a gentleman opened the exit gate for me on leaving - I was startled but walked through and said thanks.  Today - 7/28 - Another great day out - went to the mall on a warm day in one of my favorite skirts - I call it 'my fiesta' - was complimented, spoken to often and I stopped and helped to other ladies setting a sign at a store. The manager says 'you people are so kind' - I took it very positively and recognize I not only represent me but all of us TG gals when out and it makes a difference - always be the best you are! hugs, Briana : ) On 8/I don't recall - A day at Meijer where I went in my white crinkle fabric with leaves and floral pattern skirt with a cute green top and bought some nail polish and lipstick - a fun vanity day out. : ) Another day on on 8/23 - a grand tour of the local mall. Wearing a great outift and the weather was perfect. A lot of window shopping and strolling through the indoor mall - a favorite of mine sinece childhood. Stopped for coffee at my regular coffee shop and had some homemade cookies with me too.  ( I have been to this mall repeatedly, in fact as noted above as an example ). Looked in a few stores at great items ( don't we all wish to be wealthy ) - even bought a couple of maxi skirts at jcpenny that I have been admiring on line for some time and were now on clearance ( hurray ). Sales associates were helpful and overall a super time and experience. BTW the skirts look great! : )  On 8/30 decided to wear one of the new skirts to the mall, do some window shopping, stop for coffee and have some of my homemade cookies. It is the purple one - also decided to wear my white wedge sandals with it - looking pretty and it was a very nice time. En route to the mall did some grocery shopping and stocked up on necessities ( shaving cream, nail polish romover, et al ) as well. All in all a great day! : ) Another new adventure on 9/23 - All in yellow - skirt and top - out to a major store ( Meijer ) and combed it all - needed some cosmetics, cat treats, and silk yogurt among my items so I was everywhere. Prices are aweful and one has to be the savy shopper. Also - I've definitely put on weight over the time and some of my clothes are a bit too tight ( ouch ) - yesterday wrestled my way into and out of several dresses that were good a couple years back, but that's not so good now - even today I put on 3 outfits to settle on the yellow sun look and still am disappointed in myself as fat. Need to work on that one. Overall a very good time, however despite personal criticism ( trust me that list is way too long ). Always with a smile, good thoughts, and a happy heart. : ) Another outing today : 10/26 - went to the grocery store and the bank. I wore a burgundy top with a long black skirt and black hose and basic black heels. I needed my black jacket as it is a bit cold, cloudy, and starting a light rain today. At the bank the teller I had some time back who asked me what I wanted to be called was walking by and said 'Hello Briana' - I quickly turned my head ( interesting to note is that I know who I am, I just never realized I know it so well ! ( wow )). This was a great highlight today. Out once again on 11/15 and in a new skirt recently purchased. A red and black plaid with a cute red top. Went to my usual place - the mall - several good walk arounds and store visits with a stop for a coffee and some brought along cookies. Being the time of year it is, Santa is now there and even waved and shouted 'hello' - makes a girl smile.  Updates from 2017 : Times out and about :  1/18 - Went to the mall in a nice red - scottish pattern skirt and did a walk about, had coffee and window shopped 2/17 - Went grocery shopping in the same red skirt noted prior ( it is great for colder weather ) - had booties on with hose 2/24 - Though a bit brisk, it seemed to be nearing Spring, so I decided to go to the grocery store in a green dress ( my oldest piece and the one I wore to the museum a few years back ) 3/1 - Went to the bank and a majore big store in a red skirt 3/14 - Grocery shopping in a cute pair of jeans, sweet booties, nice feminine top ( bra and all ) with a wonderful scarf 3/29 - Much more like Spring, so I went with  my new floral skirt, red top and red flats - went to the big store ( Meijer ) and the grocery store. I was even complimented by a passerby on the skirt. Shopping was for all sorts of items so I was all over the store in each case.    Makes me reflect on childhood and the fact I never liked guy references, such as boy / man / prince / handsome - yet always liked and wished to be referred to as a girl - woman - cute - pretty - and princess. Finally makes sense.  More to follow on this one - many new ideas and adventures as myself await.  Take Care Hugs, Briana : )  
    490 Posted by Briana Purcell
  • Hello Ladies - Another entry in the ongoing jounral of Briana Q - ( I actually do this as a sort of diary I suppose ). It has been some time since the last entry - much seems the same, yet there are new things afoot. I find time and again how many threads of my past were always interwoven with being myself ( a transgender woman ) and how I ran from it and even outright denied it. Today and for the last several years since ( as I call it ) the bubble burst - I have come to see my true image and self as the woman I am.  A classic example comes from fiction writing I did many years ago from childhood on as a hobby. Two of the key characters turn out to be transgender mtf's hiding in plain sight ( even before I knew that there were transgender people or a term for it ). In writing about them I personally could feel the release, though I kept my personal feelings out of discussion with others who might look at my work. Intentially I even made one female cisgender character my doppleganger - height, weight, hair, eye color, et al - and I have always seen myself as her, but never would tell a soul. Even in the work on the chacters in reflection I realize I always embodied and looked through the eyes of the female characters and strongly identified with them and saw the males as those guys over there.  That whole identiy and identifying thing has been another one of those threads I realized I kept hidden from all others, and tried often to not think about. I have even found myself making face and hand gestures of tv anchorwomen for example, almost unconsciously. I recall being quite yound and watching Barbera Streisand in What's Up Doc with my grandmother - we had a blast - laughing all the time with it. The whole time, I kept wishing I were her ( hope she never reads such a comment - would not want to offend anyone ). Being that young - feelings like that disturbed me a bit. Though I have to admit when it comes to my grandma what was cool was the fact I was the only grandchild with a nickname and it was Heidi - after the Shirley Temple character of the same movie name - that was another great time. - Other things are : Who wouldn't want to be Samantha ( Elizabeth Montgomery ) on Bewitched? - This list is enormous and comes to the present as well - I love the movie Emilie - the moment I saw it, I quickly identified with her and saw myself as her - Audrey Tautoo ( probably misspelled ) as the title character - she is fun, light-hearted, smart, fresh, intelligent, and pretty.  These identy threads were quite common - there was the show Facts of Life about 4 girls at a boarding school and operating a store - I always wanted to be one of them - but I had better ideas than they had for the characters - they had no science/math girl - I wanted to be the geek girl of the group. -- I could go on and on with this ( one day I might ) but sufficient to say I had and have an active mental landscape.  The thread theme is definitely one of the mental images of myself, much akin to a tapestry ( an early and still onging view of myself is as an Irish lass in a gorgeous multi-shade of green dress ). Threads are time too and are both external and internal. It was clear early on to me I knew how I felt but could find no cause-and-effect reason why - that is, seeing myself as a girl. Now all this time later I realize that the external threads all carry the wavelength of my being in my life, my view of myself, as a girl which have been internal all along. Still we are a combination of mostly internal threads and some external ones as well that shape the tapestry of who we are.  As noted in prior blogs I am still on course, still very much balanced - very much in tune with myself and like myself a lot. I do have my dumpy days - envying every cisgender woman on earth - feeling way too fat - don't get me started on my looks ( face , nose, hands, freckles, fat, chin, the never ending list ), having no friends ( tehnically two only and neither can know as they both hate transgender people ) - having no job ( lost after losing a 5 year battle in both the state and federal courts where a corrupt set of people where I worked deliberately destroyed not only my job but my entire career and all prospects to ever work in that area again ) and a very bizarre life that is rather boxed in for many reasons - such as too many chronic illness issues that are a perpetual battle - etc. This along with always being the least pretty girl in the room, falling back two steps with each attempted step forward, etc - amazing I find a reason to smile each day - but there are reasons : 1) alive with reasonable health that I have the ability and rational to deal with, 2) some friends ( despite having no roads to communication or freedom to be me ), 3) finally finding, acknowledging, and accepting myself as a girl after decades of creating every imaginable barrier to those thoughts and feelings. Plus 4) I am a very good person at heart, who is creative and carring , and intelligent. Even with all of that I still stick to my motto of : Resolve, Solve, Evolve - along with being a optimistic realist by nature.  Beyond balance there is an interesting fact - never in my life have I been able to laugh at myself as well as never being balanced - despite being a reasonably positive person to be around. Now not only am I more positive as a whole since fully finding myself, as well as being balanced in myself as noted, but also being able to laugh at myself. I recall the first time more than 10 years ago being on ebay when looking for slide rules and inadvertantly typing in slide and hitting enter. Up came a number of entries, children's backyard slides and a host of 35 mm slides among them. But there it was women's shoes slides - I grinned from ear to ear, my heart beat fast, I felt I had opened a secret treasure chest. I quickly looked about, of course, the normal guilt and fear then crept in - which I always projected onto all others. Now today I can look back and smile, even laugh at my insecure and struggling self - and be okay with me. It is not only transgender moments but my whole self - knowing what I really know and being able to know what I do not know, fully like myself and laugh at myself when circumstances call for it.  I have published 4 books in one year on science and math activities and seem to occupy a special niche in reading since few experiment books give substantitive depth on detail, formulae, and the like whereas I do. Most are geared for the 'wow' science of observation whereas I have crafted work where measurement and analysis of measurement are the goals of the science quest. - Unfortunately I have to use my birth name in publishing ( though I think about a great photo on back with me in a great outfit someday ) but I consider it my nom de plume. - Also there are activities where some of me comes out ( and this is on the web site of the books too ) for example pictures of a pair of my cute tennis shoes, wedges, and heels ( red no less ) are in the book and I declare they are mine. On the web site there is one essay about my favorite slide rule, the pickett B1 in my real name Briana P*** even. As for going out - the frequency is low to me, but that is because I like to and am comfortable with it. The barriers in my life are all external, which is good. In 2016 I have been to the mall a couple of times, walking all about, visiting stores, stopping for a coffee and the lke - this was in the week of St Patricks Day in March. All outings have been quite good and I felt like myself and had a great deal of confidence and energy. Thus far in July I have been to several stores and even the bank making a deposit and looking smashing I might add. The teller on July 19th even asked me - which this is a first for me - what do I prefer in being called and referred to - I noted that the account has a name already ( one I am born with ) - she said that don't matter - so I told her 'Briana' - which she called me. I almost burst into tears ( I seem to have a problem with that from time to time with sensitive movies and the like ). Still a great day to hold near and dear to me. It was like the first time ( the Henry Ford museum trip ) when I asked someone to take my photo and the museum host, a woman at the Fuller house, did this and was quite nice - not to mention a gentleman opened the exit gate for me on leaving - I was startled but walked through and said thanks.  Today - 7/28 - Another great day out - went to the mall on a warm day in one of my favorite skirts - I call it 'my fiesta' - was complimented, spoken to often and I stopped and helped to other ladies setting a sign at a store. The manager says 'you people are so kind' - I took it very positively and recognize I not only represent me but all of us TG gals when out and it makes a difference - always be the best you are! hugs, Briana : ) On 8/I don't recall - A day at Meijer where I went in my white crinkle fabric with leaves and floral pattern skirt with a cute green top and bought some nail polish and lipstick - a fun vanity day out. : ) Another day on on 8/23 - a grand tour of the local mall. Wearing a great outift and the weather was perfect. A lot of window shopping and strolling through the indoor mall - a favorite of mine sinece childhood. Stopped for coffee at my regular coffee shop and had some homemade cookies with me too.  ( I have been to this mall repeatedly, in fact as noted above as an example ). Looked in a few stores at great items ( don't we all wish to be wealthy ) - even bought a couple of maxi skirts at jcpenny that I have been admiring on line for some time and were now on clearance ( hurray ). Sales associates were helpful and overall a super time and experience. BTW the skirts look great! : )  On 8/30 decided to wear one of the new skirts to the mall, do some window shopping, stop for coffee and have some of my homemade cookies. It is the purple one - also decided to wear my white wedge sandals with it - looking pretty and it was a very nice time. En route to the mall did some grocery shopping and stocked up on necessities ( shaving cream, nail polish romover, et al ) as well. All in all a great day! : ) Another new adventure on 9/23 - All in yellow - skirt and top - out to a major store ( Meijer ) and combed it all - needed some cosmetics, cat treats, and silk yogurt among my items so I was everywhere. Prices are aweful and one has to be the savy shopper. Also - I've definitely put on weight over the time and some of my clothes are a bit too tight ( ouch ) - yesterday wrestled my way into and out of several dresses that were good a couple years back, but that's not so good now - even today I put on 3 outfits to settle on the yellow sun look and still am disappointed in myself as fat. Need to work on that one. Overall a very good time, however despite personal criticism ( trust me that list is way too long ). Always with a smile, good thoughts, and a happy heart. : ) Another outing today : 10/26 - went to the grocery store and the bank. I wore a burgundy top with a long black skirt and black hose and basic black heels. I needed my black jacket as it is a bit cold, cloudy, and starting a light rain today. At the bank the teller I had some time back who asked me what I wanted to be called was walking by and said 'Hello Briana' - I quickly turned my head ( interesting to note is that I know who I am, I just never realized I know it so well ! ( wow )). This was a great highlight today. Out once again on 11/15 and in a new skirt recently purchased. A red and black plaid with a cute red top. Went to my usual place - the mall - several good walk arounds and store visits with a stop for a coffee and some brought along cookies. Being the time of year it is, Santa is now there and even waved and shouted 'hello' - makes a girl smile.  Updates from 2017 : Times out and about :  1/18 - Went to the mall in a nice red - scottish pattern skirt and did a walk about, had coffee and window shopped 2/17 - Went grocery shopping in the same red skirt noted prior ( it is great for colder weather ) - had booties on with hose 2/24 - Though a bit brisk, it seemed to be nearing Spring, so I decided to go to the grocery store in a green dress ( my oldest piece and the one I wore to the museum a few years back ) 3/1 - Went to the bank and a majore big store in a red skirt 3/14 - Grocery shopping in a cute pair of jeans, sweet booties, nice feminine top ( bra and all ) with a wonderful scarf 3/29 - Much more like Spring, so I went with  my new floral skirt, red top and red flats - went to the big store ( Meijer ) and the grocery store. I was even complimented by a passerby on the skirt. Shopping was for all sorts of items so I was all over the store in each case.    Makes me reflect on childhood and the fact I never liked guy references, such as boy / man / prince / handsome - yet always liked and wished to be referred to as a girl - woman - cute - pretty - and princess. Finally makes sense.  More to follow on this one - many new ideas and adventures as myself await.  Take Care Hugs, Briana : )  
    Jul 19, 2016 490
  • 12 Jul 2016
    I was pleased to Chair this section of this year's 'best ever' Sparkle, held in conjunction with the numerous wurkshops available in the LGBT Centre on Richmond Street.   I will endeavour to expand this document to embrace the most useful and salient points for Transgender individuals on our pathway; these points arising from the excellent and first-class Presentations. I would like to thank, on behalf of the 'Sparkle' committee, all the guest speakers who contributed and both made this afternoon successful and engaged in lively, constrctive and positive debate in 'question time'.   From Laser Hair Removal, through Psychiatric considerations, to Surgical intervention including final Gender Reassignment Surgery 'Mermaids to Gyres', our modern pathway, continued review and the way forwards.   Hannah Grosvenor, MD BSc ChB LRCP MRCS FCOphth FRCS MRCP FRCOphth FRCSEd Professor of Ophthalmic-Facial, Reconstructive and Orbital Surgery
  • I was pleased to Chair this section of this year's 'best ever' Sparkle, held in conjunction with the numerous wurkshops available in the LGBT Centre on Richmond Street.   I will endeavour to expand this document to embrace the most useful and salient points for Transgender individuals on our pathway; these points arising from the excellent and first-class Presentations. I would like to thank, on behalf of the 'Sparkle' committee, all the guest speakers who contributed and both made this afternoon successful and engaged in lively, constrctive and positive debate in 'question time'.   From Laser Hair Removal, through Psychiatric considerations, to Surgical intervention including final Gender Reassignment Surgery 'Mermaids to Gyres', our modern pathway, continued review and the way forwards.   Hannah Grosvenor, MD BSc ChB LRCP MRCS FCOphth FRCS MRCP FRCOphth FRCSEd Professor of Ophthalmic-Facial, Reconstructive and Orbital Surgery
    Jul 12, 2016 574
  • 05 Jul 2016
    This weekend , I am proud to represent the UK Trans Community as Chair of the Medical Conference at the National Transgender Event, 'Sparkle".   As a Professor of Ophthalmic-Facial , Reconstructive and Orbital Surgery, I am often asked at our Trans Group meetings (Manchester, Llandudno, Scarborough and Harrogate) questions regarding Facial Feminisation Surgery. Not infrequently, the potential patient already has a surgeon's name, acquired from a 'besotted' (frequently) previous patient. I was asked to check out a certain surgeon by one Lady who has become a close friend: the surgeon in question had worked in a District General (no problem there), prior to retirement (problem there). He/she listed on their website every Plastic proceedure I could quickly think of; and hardly mentioned, or did not mention at all the Facial Feminisation ang Gender Re-assignment Surgery they regularily undertook. Such a declaration might lead to being labelled a 'jobbing' surgeon, a 'jack of all trades, master/mistress of none'.   FFS is not available on the NHS: thus surgery in the UK is inevitably funded by the patient themselves; and, patients frequently chose to travel outwith the UK in order to be submitted to Surgery.   How can you be sure that the Surgeon is 'safe' and up to date? Here are a few tips, identifying important indicators, potentially assuring a top quality service and an essential high level of Patient Safety.   1) Does the Surgeon (in the UK) a) hold a Specialist Registration with the General Medical Council (GMC)? It is a simple matter to look up the practitioner's name on the GMC web-site, b) hold a higher surgical qualification: i.e. Fellow of a Surgical Royal College, or equivalent.   2) Are they in employment as an NHS Consultant, or an University equivalent with an Honorary NHS appointment?  If not, you are wise to avoid, unless you are seeking and requesting merely a private opinion. A retired Specialist gives a balanced opinion, but cannot or choses not to keep 'up to date'. What stimulates you to achieve continued personal excellence is a) constant questions from, and teaching, your trainees b) the requirements of regular formal peer review - approved by your employer, and required by the GMC. Appraisal in a solely private setting inevitably introduces financial considerations; which may blur over, or turn a 'blind eye' to, inadequacies and/or defects in performance and quality of care.   3) The quality and experience of the Anaesthetist: no problem if they are employed in the NHS or University. Avoid otherwise, unless they have recently retired from such an appropriate post. Remember no surgeon or Anaesthetist cannot obtain Medical Negligence Insurance after a certain age in the UK (it was, until recently, a 70 years of age limit).   4) What Facial Plastic, peer-reviewed, publications and Conference presentations has your Surgeon of choice accumulated? They should state these publications clearly on their web-site.   5) At initial consultation, do they a) explain in detail the potential risks of intervention, as laid down, with annual revision, by the Royal Colleges? b) undertake pre-operative photography, for comparative purposes? What clinical and financial arrangements are in place for resolving and treating the inevitable complications which occasionally arise. Most important is what measures are in place to assure additional treatment in the case of a major health problem, arising post opersstivley.   5a) INDSURANCRE FOR Complications Are measures in place for majot untoward events. Intensive care is expensive, and `High Dependancy' is priced in excess of a suite at the Ritz hotel.   6) Are they one of the (currently seven) FFS specialists approved by the Cender Identity Clinic at Charing Cross? The three on 'the tip of the tongues' of the Transgender population are not actually mentioned or included!   7) What accomodation and post-operative care is there in the immediate recovery period for the patient, and also for an accompanying companion or relative (more important the further you travel)?   8) If the proposed surgery is to be undertaken abroad, it would be foolish (in my opinion) to simply attend a hospital in a strange country for assesment and surgery in one visit, purely on recommendation from a previous patient and without previous clinical assessment. Personally, I would only consider surgery with a named group, rather than an individual (solo) practitioner, from abroad; which group undertake regular initial assessments and quotations in the UK. I do not propose to name the European Group I would personally chose here on social media. However, now we are leaving the EU, I am happy to state that I would certainly avoid Brussells/Belgium and its environs without the slightest hesitation. 
  • This weekend , I am proud to represent the UK Trans Community as Chair of the Medical Conference at the National Transgender Event, 'Sparkle".   As a Professor of Ophthalmic-Facial , Reconstructive and Orbital Surgery, I am often asked at our Trans Group meetings (Manchester, Llandudno, Scarborough and Harrogate) questions regarding Facial Feminisation Surgery. Not infrequently, the potential patient already has a surgeon's name, acquired from a 'besotted' (frequently) previous patient. I was asked to check out a certain surgeon by one Lady who has become a close friend: the surgeon in question had worked in a District General (no problem there), prior to retirement (problem there). He/she listed on their website every Plastic proceedure I could quickly think of; and hardly mentioned, or did not mention at all the Facial Feminisation ang Gender Re-assignment Surgery they regularily undertook. Such a declaration might lead to being labelled a 'jobbing' surgeon, a 'jack of all trades, master/mistress of none'.   FFS is not available on the NHS: thus surgery in the UK is inevitably funded by the patient themselves; and, patients frequently chose to travel outwith the UK in order to be submitted to Surgery.   How can you be sure that the Surgeon is 'safe' and up to date? Here are a few tips, identifying important indicators, potentially assuring a top quality service and an essential high level of Patient Safety.   1) Does the Surgeon (in the UK) a) hold a Specialist Registration with the General Medical Council (GMC)? It is a simple matter to look up the practitioner's name on the GMC web-site, b) hold a higher surgical qualification: i.e. Fellow of a Surgical Royal College, or equivalent.   2) Are they in employment as an NHS Consultant, or an University equivalent with an Honorary NHS appointment?  If not, you are wise to avoid, unless you are seeking and requesting merely a private opinion. A retired Specialist gives a balanced opinion, but cannot or choses not to keep 'up to date'. What stimulates you to achieve continued personal excellence is a) constant questions from, and teaching, your trainees b) the requirements of regular formal peer review - approved by your employer, and required by the GMC. Appraisal in a solely private setting inevitably introduces financial considerations; which may blur over, or turn a 'blind eye' to, inadequacies and/or defects in performance and quality of care.   3) The quality and experience of the Anaesthetist: no problem if they are employed in the NHS or University. Avoid otherwise, unless they have recently retired from such an appropriate post. Remember no surgeon or Anaesthetist cannot obtain Medical Negligence Insurance after a certain age in the UK (it was, until recently, a 70 years of age limit).   4) What Facial Plastic, peer-reviewed, publications and Conference presentations has your Surgeon of choice accumulated? They should state these publications clearly on their web-site.   5) At initial consultation, do they a) explain in detail the potential risks of intervention, as laid down, with annual revision, by the Royal Colleges? b) undertake pre-operative photography, for comparative purposes? What clinical and financial arrangements are in place for resolving and treating the inevitable complications which occasionally arise. Most important is what measures are in place to assure additional treatment in the case of a major health problem, arising post opersstivley.   5a) INDSURANCRE FOR Complications Are measures in place for majot untoward events. Intensive care is expensive, and `High Dependancy' is priced in excess of a suite at the Ritz hotel.   6) Are they one of the (currently seven) FFS specialists approved by the Cender Identity Clinic at Charing Cross? The three on 'the tip of the tongues' of the Transgender population are not actually mentioned or included!   7) What accomodation and post-operative care is there in the immediate recovery period for the patient, and also for an accompanying companion or relative (more important the further you travel)?   8) If the proposed surgery is to be undertaken abroad, it would be foolish (in my opinion) to simply attend a hospital in a strange country for assesment and surgery in one visit, purely on recommendation from a previous patient and without previous clinical assessment. Personally, I would only consider surgery with a named group, rather than an individual (solo) practitioner, from abroad; which group undertake regular initial assessments and quotations in the UK. I do not propose to name the European Group I would personally chose here on social media. However, now we are leaving the EU, I am happy to state that I would certainly avoid Brussells/Belgium and its environs without the slightest hesitation. 
    Jul 05, 2016 638
  • 03 Jul 2016
    Had a nasty scare this week.  It seemed like I was having another stroke.  Spent a day in ER/A&E being checked out.  Tests confirmed no NEW brain damage, but apparently it is not that uncommon to have a return of problems even months later.  Last week I walked a mile and a half one day.  This weekend it was hard to walk much shorter distances.  They reassured me that I would be ok and approved an increase in exercise immediately.  So, flats for the near future. Good news is that Sundance has greatly improved mentally.  Can tell me all about 1066 and current events.  Looking to get her out of hospital and maybe share an apartment when she is better physically. I picked a rotten time to go weak. Our relationship may be the best it ever has been.  I do not know if she remembers Wendy and am almost afraid to ask.   Nobody should ever have to come Out TWICE!  At least I remember Wendy and am even more comfortable with the girl from up in the loft.   I am getting to shop for clothes/shoes for Sundance now, which is fun...when the shoes fit. It is nice that I started this blog so long ago as I have a place to retrieve important memories.   Blogs were a great idea, Katie, thank you so much.  HUGS. Had to get ears re-pierced.  Fun the second time, too. Thanks to all my well-wishers this year.   
    497 Posted by wendy larsen
  • Had a nasty scare this week.  It seemed like I was having another stroke.  Spent a day in ER/A&E being checked out.  Tests confirmed no NEW brain damage, but apparently it is not that uncommon to have a return of problems even months later.  Last week I walked a mile and a half one day.  This weekend it was hard to walk much shorter distances.  They reassured me that I would be ok and approved an increase in exercise immediately.  So, flats for the near future. Good news is that Sundance has greatly improved mentally.  Can tell me all about 1066 and current events.  Looking to get her out of hospital and maybe share an apartment when she is better physically. I picked a rotten time to go weak. Our relationship may be the best it ever has been.  I do not know if she remembers Wendy and am almost afraid to ask.   Nobody should ever have to come Out TWICE!  At least I remember Wendy and am even more comfortable with the girl from up in the loft.   I am getting to shop for clothes/shoes for Sundance now, which is fun...when the shoes fit. It is nice that I started this blog so long ago as I have a place to retrieve important memories.   Blogs were a great idea, Katie, thank you so much.  HUGS. Had to get ears re-pierced.  Fun the second time, too. Thanks to all my well-wishers this year.   
    Jul 03, 2016 497
  • 27 Jun 2016
    Didn't think I'd be blogging again already, but I need to vent about something. It may be TMI though so fair warning. I just got back from the gynecologist and had a bit of a struggle with something I found out I had recently. It's called Vaginismus. For those who do not know, it's basically sexual dysfunction for girls. The reason I'm bringing it up here is because I feel like I gave this to myself by telling myself over the years that I am really a man in a woman's body and should NOT be penetrated. After researching, I learned that girls who are not trans have this condition, but I still can't help feeling like I did this to myself because ultimately this is a mental thing that manifested into a physical condition... A lot of the time people with vaginismus have been sexually abused, but I have not... I really don't feel like I should be seeing a gynecologist in the first place since I feel like a man anyway. I'm sorry if this is tmi, but I just had to vent. Getting tired of these gyno visits gone wrong. 
    545 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • Didn't think I'd be blogging again already, but I need to vent about something. It may be TMI though so fair warning. I just got back from the gynecologist and had a bit of a struggle with something I found out I had recently. It's called Vaginismus. For those who do not know, it's basically sexual dysfunction for girls. The reason I'm bringing it up here is because I feel like I gave this to myself by telling myself over the years that I am really a man in a woman's body and should NOT be penetrated. After researching, I learned that girls who are not trans have this condition, but I still can't help feeling like I did this to myself because ultimately this is a mental thing that manifested into a physical condition... A lot of the time people with vaginismus have been sexually abused, but I have not... I really don't feel like I should be seeing a gynecologist in the first place since I feel like a man anyway. I'm sorry if this is tmi, but I just had to vent. Getting tired of these gyno visits gone wrong. 
    Jun 27, 2016 545