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  • 10 Nov 2017
    Hello Ladies - Here are updates on my super world, the path of Briana! : ) As noted in the prior blog I have come out to a series of doctors ( 2 endocrinologists, my therapist, and even the whole of the medical system I am part of through my insurance ). When I go online to look up my file, notes, et al - I am who I am - Briana!! Everyone has been quite friendly, supportive, and see me as me. I reflect on much earlier times long before coming out to myself and those struggles - how when at a given store I would secretly wish someone behind me could say "Miss --" or something in that direction. These were fleeting and few but were nuggets of gold in my past and deeply wishes for ( bear in mind I had a great deal of emotional conflict over such things before addressing myself on these things however ). Nevertheless yesterday I had a follow up meeting with my endocrinologist to go over the newest results of my blood work after now being on hormone therapy ( hooray!! ) for a little over a month. Already the testosterone level is lower than a standard male and the estrogen level has more than doubled! Super news in my book - my breasts thank me daily ( albeit small and developing lol )! She decided to double the estrogen level and all things look good. That news is great in itself, but the day was beyond my wishes though. I went in a red and black plaid skirt, black hose, a nice red top, with cute short heel black shoes. I feel confident, happy, and massively content ( since starting hormones, this sense of peace, tranquility, and balance has been incredible ). As I walked in I was looked at as if I were any other woman walking into the place ( no strange glares or people turning away ). I approached the elevator and there was a grandfather with his toddler grandson just ahead of me. The lad pressed the button and we boarded the lift. In a moment, the grandfather turns to his grandson and notes, 'Show the lady how you can pick our floor, 2" - The lad does so and I note 'Good job'. The doors open on our floor and he places his hand on his grandson's shoulder as I stand there still reflecting on the prior moments and he nods and signals me to go ahead and step out - I say 'thanks'.  In line a person calls out to a lady that it is her turn in saying 'Miss' my head instantly turned. The receptionist, the nurses, the doctor were all cordial, friendly - calling me by name, Briana, and they even updated my file with my new picture ( note I am also in make up as well! ).  Seated in the waiting room a nurse comes out to call the next patient looking for a Mr - she looks past me not even considering me ( thankfully ) while another nearby woman looks about and points out a man over my shoulder further back and asks him if he was the one being called.  Another woman enters the waiting area coming from the adjacent women's lavatory and turns to me and asks if I was wearing a jacket today - I note, no, only my sweater that I have on - she notes that there is one left in the bathroom that's why she was asking me! Along with the discussion of hormones and the upgrade with the doctor I gave her as I have given the list of noted doctor's my first edition copy of my book - talking about my creative drive, interests in writing, the fun experiments in the book using ordinary materials and the like. Each of them allowed me to sign it to them personally and of course, as myself, Briana!  Today was a day I will remember always - compared to the 'Miss' from long ago, this was a day of a pile of gold bars and not just a nugget. I was me, myself and I, Briana - I was that woman in the doctor's office and was perfectly alive, happy, and well in all ranges - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  More to follow in time with further months on hormones and more times out and about as me! All the best in your journeys. Thanks for taking time to read. Take Care Hugs, Briana : ) Cosmic Girl out exploring herself and the Cosmos!  
    292 Posted by Briana Purcell
  • Hello Ladies - Here are updates on my super world, the path of Briana! : ) As noted in the prior blog I have come out to a series of doctors ( 2 endocrinologists, my therapist, and even the whole of the medical system I am part of through my insurance ). When I go online to look up my file, notes, et al - I am who I am - Briana!! Everyone has been quite friendly, supportive, and see me as me. I reflect on much earlier times long before coming out to myself and those struggles - how when at a given store I would secretly wish someone behind me could say "Miss --" or something in that direction. These were fleeting and few but were nuggets of gold in my past and deeply wishes for ( bear in mind I had a great deal of emotional conflict over such things before addressing myself on these things however ). Nevertheless yesterday I had a follow up meeting with my endocrinologist to go over the newest results of my blood work after now being on hormone therapy ( hooray!! ) for a little over a month. Already the testosterone level is lower than a standard male and the estrogen level has more than doubled! Super news in my book - my breasts thank me daily ( albeit small and developing lol )! She decided to double the estrogen level and all things look good. That news is great in itself, but the day was beyond my wishes though. I went in a red and black plaid skirt, black hose, a nice red top, with cute short heel black shoes. I feel confident, happy, and massively content ( since starting hormones, this sense of peace, tranquility, and balance has been incredible ). As I walked in I was looked at as if I were any other woman walking into the place ( no strange glares or people turning away ). I approached the elevator and there was a grandfather with his toddler grandson just ahead of me. The lad pressed the button and we boarded the lift. In a moment, the grandfather turns to his grandson and notes, 'Show the lady how you can pick our floor, 2" - The lad does so and I note 'Good job'. The doors open on our floor and he places his hand on his grandson's shoulder as I stand there still reflecting on the prior moments and he nods and signals me to go ahead and step out - I say 'thanks'.  In line a person calls out to a lady that it is her turn in saying 'Miss' my head instantly turned. The receptionist, the nurses, the doctor were all cordial, friendly - calling me by name, Briana, and they even updated my file with my new picture ( note I am also in make up as well! ).  Seated in the waiting room a nurse comes out to call the next patient looking for a Mr - she looks past me not even considering me ( thankfully ) while another nearby woman looks about and points out a man over my shoulder further back and asks him if he was the one being called.  Another woman enters the waiting area coming from the adjacent women's lavatory and turns to me and asks if I was wearing a jacket today - I note, no, only my sweater that I have on - she notes that there is one left in the bathroom that's why she was asking me! Along with the discussion of hormones and the upgrade with the doctor I gave her as I have given the list of noted doctor's my first edition copy of my book - talking about my creative drive, interests in writing, the fun experiments in the book using ordinary materials and the like. Each of them allowed me to sign it to them personally and of course, as myself, Briana!  Today was a day I will remember always - compared to the 'Miss' from long ago, this was a day of a pile of gold bars and not just a nugget. I was me, myself and I, Briana - I was that woman in the doctor's office and was perfectly alive, happy, and well in all ranges - physically, mentally, and emotionally.  More to follow in time with further months on hormones and more times out and about as me! All the best in your journeys. Thanks for taking time to read. Take Care Hugs, Briana : ) Cosmic Girl out exploring herself and the Cosmos!  
    Nov 10, 2017 292
  • 29 Sep 2017
    Hello Ladies - Important news from the wonderful world of Briana! I first came out to my doctor on July 31 and she was wonderful - passing along paperwork to connect to the right people in the system and even had recommendations for various people to talk to. I filled it out and had a week or so of emails back and forth since I checked off a number of boxes I look forward to in my future ( hormones, surgery, electrolysis, et al ) and was given all sorts of names, links, and the like. My first goal, of course, is the 'girl skittles' as the other Bri here calls them, namely hormones - so I had to meet with the therapist to be evaluated. It was only two meetings and we had lengthy talks - normally I do not say a lot but wow I opened up and told a whole range of tales of my life and feelings about being a girl since age 5! It did me wonders and he is a wonderful soul to talk to. These meetings were in late August and early September. He even thought I was already on hormones due to the way I look ( which I have been doing a few things in the last couple of years, as I told him ) but I loved the compliment. He told me of his own two spirit personality, his years of work, writings, and other really cool information.  Now to find the endocrinologist for the hormones and with luck not only were there several but the one who is strongly connected to my therapist, heavily recommended was available on Sept 28 where I arrived and gave blood and went home and waited for the call from the pharmacy. It took a few hours but those minutes felt like days and my mind went in twenty directions. With the call I raced out the door, held back from screaming and crying the whole way there and back and worked hard to keep my often lead foot off the accelerator - never in my life have I raced for something so bad as this. Got home and began treatment immediately.  As a side note I set up that appointment on Sept 14 - Let me say this - never in my lifetime has two weeks ever taken so long. As time went along I counted down days and even resulted to hours in the last 3 days.  Other notes : All the doctors and the therapist are super people and it opened my mind, heart, and being up immensely. On the electronic system online I am who I am - BRIANA and they call me that everywhere - nurses, doctors, receptionists, et al. In all three meetings I went totally as myself - gorgeous skirt, cute top and shoes, and a well done make up job on my fact I might add - this girl is cute! One elderly woman even made it a point to sit by me as we both waited in the clinic area to have blood drawn and complimented me on my skirt aloud to all around us! En route to all meetings I struck up my CD player which has Enya in it and I would play about 5-7 tunes depending on the length of the journey. I felt excited, elated, a bit anxious, happy, and forward thinking already, but the music amplified my spirit enormously.  Why the amount of time to reach here? More reasons than I can discuss in detail, but there were times of no insurance, insurance that had little to no coverage, an initial doctor under the other insurance who was very rude and not communicative at all, my determination to find a path with no help ( not recommended to anyone ) and of course, my own fears in approaching this new insurance which I have had for a couple of years.  No regrets though. I always seem to be at that point in my life when it is right to do this or that thing.  One of the critical keys is this : I am a person who lives by massive values, rules, standards and the like and always have - don't get me wrong do I color outside the lines at times ( literally basically ) sure enough - but I uphold standards and use these in my personal battles with myself since childhood where I have always known I am a girl since age 5 - but this made no sense logically especially at those times nearly a half century ago. Nevertheless as I explained to the therapist the only time I did things one is not expected or should do ( such as dressing and taking hormones et al ) I did so without hesitation. He first told me I did not do anything wrong and asked, how did this make you feel? Really good, I replied. -- how this relates to being here with the doctors and the like, I need to be on the path to me and need good help otherwise I might keep pushing boundaries ( which I do not recommend and one should be with a doctor and monitored ). Akin to this line of thought is how I discussed me to the therapist. I noted that all of us define ourselves by two central questions : Who Am I? and What do I do here? in our lives. I always knew I am a girl, but there seem to be no way to say, express or be me, but I could override the who am I part with what do I do here by always defining myself by what I do : collect things, bike ride, write, learn and teach science and math. In each case though not noted there were no gendered descriptors in these, though I always knew what they were. This has been the quest since coming out to myself, filling in the whole of the picture with who am I, the girl who loves and does as she does in her life. Overall I feel liberated and looking forward to many new things.  Other good things : Even in the past two months I have been out on several occasions such as my anniversary date of coming out to myself ( Sept 21, 2112 ) when I finally spoke and said 'I'm okay' - a story shared with each of the aforementioned doctors. I went to a massive mall and went window shopping, having some coffee and taking in the scenery as well as going to a grocery store looking good in all places and cases.  On the hormones, as I should always have been ( unlike the time I took both my mom's and years later a friend of mine - but those are other tales to tell another time ) and feeling at peace, happy, content, even more optimistic than usual for me, and many more things to come - I will amend this piece as needed in time and put those reflections in here as well.  Ever the cosmic girl, hugs, Briana : )  
    295 Posted by Briana Purcell
  • Hello Ladies - Important news from the wonderful world of Briana! I first came out to my doctor on July 31 and she was wonderful - passing along paperwork to connect to the right people in the system and even had recommendations for various people to talk to. I filled it out and had a week or so of emails back and forth since I checked off a number of boxes I look forward to in my future ( hormones, surgery, electrolysis, et al ) and was given all sorts of names, links, and the like. My first goal, of course, is the 'girl skittles' as the other Bri here calls them, namely hormones - so I had to meet with the therapist to be evaluated. It was only two meetings and we had lengthy talks - normally I do not say a lot but wow I opened up and told a whole range of tales of my life and feelings about being a girl since age 5! It did me wonders and he is a wonderful soul to talk to. These meetings were in late August and early September. He even thought I was already on hormones due to the way I look ( which I have been doing a few things in the last couple of years, as I told him ) but I loved the compliment. He told me of his own two spirit personality, his years of work, writings, and other really cool information.  Now to find the endocrinologist for the hormones and with luck not only were there several but the one who is strongly connected to my therapist, heavily recommended was available on Sept 28 where I arrived and gave blood and went home and waited for the call from the pharmacy. It took a few hours but those minutes felt like days and my mind went in twenty directions. With the call I raced out the door, held back from screaming and crying the whole way there and back and worked hard to keep my often lead foot off the accelerator - never in my life have I raced for something so bad as this. Got home and began treatment immediately.  As a side note I set up that appointment on Sept 14 - Let me say this - never in my lifetime has two weeks ever taken so long. As time went along I counted down days and even resulted to hours in the last 3 days.  Other notes : All the doctors and the therapist are super people and it opened my mind, heart, and being up immensely. On the electronic system online I am who I am - BRIANA and they call me that everywhere - nurses, doctors, receptionists, et al. In all three meetings I went totally as myself - gorgeous skirt, cute top and shoes, and a well done make up job on my fact I might add - this girl is cute! One elderly woman even made it a point to sit by me as we both waited in the clinic area to have blood drawn and complimented me on my skirt aloud to all around us! En route to all meetings I struck up my CD player which has Enya in it and I would play about 5-7 tunes depending on the length of the journey. I felt excited, elated, a bit anxious, happy, and forward thinking already, but the music amplified my spirit enormously.  Why the amount of time to reach here? More reasons than I can discuss in detail, but there were times of no insurance, insurance that had little to no coverage, an initial doctor under the other insurance who was very rude and not communicative at all, my determination to find a path with no help ( not recommended to anyone ) and of course, my own fears in approaching this new insurance which I have had for a couple of years.  No regrets though. I always seem to be at that point in my life when it is right to do this or that thing.  One of the critical keys is this : I am a person who lives by massive values, rules, standards and the like and always have - don't get me wrong do I color outside the lines at times ( literally basically ) sure enough - but I uphold standards and use these in my personal battles with myself since childhood where I have always known I am a girl since age 5 - but this made no sense logically especially at those times nearly a half century ago. Nevertheless as I explained to the therapist the only time I did things one is not expected or should do ( such as dressing and taking hormones et al ) I did so without hesitation. He first told me I did not do anything wrong and asked, how did this make you feel? Really good, I replied. -- how this relates to being here with the doctors and the like, I need to be on the path to me and need good help otherwise I might keep pushing boundaries ( which I do not recommend and one should be with a doctor and monitored ). Akin to this line of thought is how I discussed me to the therapist. I noted that all of us define ourselves by two central questions : Who Am I? and What do I do here? in our lives. I always knew I am a girl, but there seem to be no way to say, express or be me, but I could override the who am I part with what do I do here by always defining myself by what I do : collect things, bike ride, write, learn and teach science and math. In each case though not noted there were no gendered descriptors in these, though I always knew what they were. This has been the quest since coming out to myself, filling in the whole of the picture with who am I, the girl who loves and does as she does in her life. Overall I feel liberated and looking forward to many new things.  Other good things : Even in the past two months I have been out on several occasions such as my anniversary date of coming out to myself ( Sept 21, 2112 ) when I finally spoke and said 'I'm okay' - a story shared with each of the aforementioned doctors. I went to a massive mall and went window shopping, having some coffee and taking in the scenery as well as going to a grocery store looking good in all places and cases.  On the hormones, as I should always have been ( unlike the time I took both my mom's and years later a friend of mine - but those are other tales to tell another time ) and feeling at peace, happy, content, even more optimistic than usual for me, and many more things to come - I will amend this piece as needed in time and put those reflections in here as well.  Ever the cosmic girl, hugs, Briana : )  
    Sep 29, 2017 295
  • 17 Sep 2017
    UK news-print (Daily Fail etc.) and the BBC are currently full of far less than well-intentioned advice from self-appointed and deluded 'nuts' (frequently American and less so, Australian) who promote 'horse-medicine cures' for Gender Dysphoria whilst in 'the childhood phase'. Christian couples are busy withdrawing their children from schools which allow boys to wear dresses; but, strangely, not those who allow girls to wear trousers, shirts and ties. They should withdraw their daughters immediately from Brownies and Girl-guides  Associations now that trans-boys are authorised to join. The buzz word over here this last week has been 'tolerate', whatever that implies and or conjures up. The sudden appearance of this uninvited, disparate and unauthorised placatory movement disturbs me somewhat. It has overtones of the Salvation Army, who despise us, praying for our eternal damnation and not our redemption - God bless them (in my forgiving prayers). We have nothing whatsoever to tolerate in our gender identity; and, are merely normal and usually honest, hard working and hopefully healthy citizens who simply wish to just get on with our lives as best we can, and; without 'lip-service' misplaced and mis-directed 'tolerance', which in my mind's eye smacks of equally misguided false kindness. When I was a small boy and believed in Father Christmas (I still do in a way), on each birthday I was asked to make a wish; and, it was always "Please God, when I wake up tomorrow make me a girl". I dreamed endlessly of wearing dresses to equate with my gender identity. Now that I hug myself occasionally, as I clutch my female passport and female driving licence, I am inevitably wearing trousers or leggings and trainers, just like the rest of the female population: dresses are merely for rather special occasions. Funny old world!  With that, rant over, I "rest my case Milord".
  • UK news-print (Daily Fail etc.) and the BBC are currently full of far less than well-intentioned advice from self-appointed and deluded 'nuts' (frequently American and less so, Australian) who promote 'horse-medicine cures' for Gender Dysphoria whilst in 'the childhood phase'. Christian couples are busy withdrawing their children from schools which allow boys to wear dresses; but, strangely, not those who allow girls to wear trousers, shirts and ties. They should withdraw their daughters immediately from Brownies and Girl-guides  Associations now that trans-boys are authorised to join. The buzz word over here this last week has been 'tolerate', whatever that implies and or conjures up. The sudden appearance of this uninvited, disparate and unauthorised placatory movement disturbs me somewhat. It has overtones of the Salvation Army, who despise us, praying for our eternal damnation and not our redemption - God bless them (in my forgiving prayers). We have nothing whatsoever to tolerate in our gender identity; and, are merely normal and usually honest, hard working and hopefully healthy citizens who simply wish to just get on with our lives as best we can, and; without 'lip-service' misplaced and mis-directed 'tolerance', which in my mind's eye smacks of equally misguided false kindness. When I was a small boy and believed in Father Christmas (I still do in a way), on each birthday I was asked to make a wish; and, it was always "Please God, when I wake up tomorrow make me a girl". I dreamed endlessly of wearing dresses to equate with my gender identity. Now that I hug myself occasionally, as I clutch my female passport and female driving licence, I am inevitably wearing trousers or leggings and trainers, just like the rest of the female population: dresses are merely for rather special occasions. Funny old world!  With that, rant over, I "rest my case Milord".
    Sep 17, 2017 352
  • 17 Aug 2017
    NB: Short Blog I have a favourite sound. The lightweight, hollow click clack of polished brittle plastic, disorderly and increasingly dusty and fingerprint-marked. Held in soft fabrics, the contents often are chaotic and lack space, so when fingers scuttle through the clatter resonates and sound spalls out. The timpani of temptation has a shimmery aroma and when the zip or clasp is opened this bursts out and tingles the nostrils. The tempting sound encourages delving and invites you in. The sound of a make-up bag of course, undeniably feminine and provocative. Demanding, emphatic, delicate, temporary. One of my favourite sounds. What might yours be? Rachel 
    343 Posted by Rachel de Blanc
  • NB: Short Blog I have a favourite sound. The lightweight, hollow click clack of polished brittle plastic, disorderly and increasingly dusty and fingerprint-marked. Held in soft fabrics, the contents often are chaotic and lack space, so when fingers scuttle through the clatter resonates and sound spalls out. The timpani of temptation has a shimmery aroma and when the zip or clasp is opened this bursts out and tingles the nostrils. The tempting sound encourages delving and invites you in. The sound of a make-up bag of course, undeniably feminine and provocative. Demanding, emphatic, delicate, temporary. One of my favourite sounds. What might yours be? Rachel 
    Aug 17, 2017 343
  • 15 Aug 2017
    Hi I owe gratitude to Morrissey the author of the song 'Oscillate Wildly' - it's only polite to acknowledge those from whom you steal. I would say that I am now a constant woman. This perhaps hasn't always been the case and is worthy of a separate conversation, but that is what I am. The need to physically engage with my gender to prove and exhibit it isn't and cannot be constant though, and so I oscillate wildly. When I can secure those moments I focus upon their arrival and use the time available intensively, almost to the exclusion of everything else. When the moment passes I mournfully pack things away and skulk back into ordinary life and depression's shadow follows me occasionally. I think my orbit is becoming more pronounced, the swings more exaggerated. This is also true in my apparent gender. I find myself pursuing somewhat random masculine traits. Not binge drinking and a game of darts for goodness sake, but the pursuit of physical activity, one off purchases, lad's stuff. But the interest in the masculine bias diminishes very rapidly, these are not purchases that are profound and necessary, they are typically superficial and vapid. When I oscillate and orbit back into my own woman's world I find sanctity, objectiveness calmness and ease. The need here is becoming more exaggerated too. Gently plucked eyebrows, cautious body shaving, longer hair all knowingly coutoured - this is becoming tricker, endures longer. Counselling has commenced with the possibility of Hormones on the horizon, this circle is getting larger and the pull is getting stronger. I oscillate wildly but the person on the ride is a woman and whilst she may not speak for part of the orbit, she ain't going to go quietly. Rachel x      
    310 Posted by Rachel de Blanc
  • Hi I owe gratitude to Morrissey the author of the song 'Oscillate Wildly' - it's only polite to acknowledge those from whom you steal. I would say that I am now a constant woman. This perhaps hasn't always been the case and is worthy of a separate conversation, but that is what I am. The need to physically engage with my gender to prove and exhibit it isn't and cannot be constant though, and so I oscillate wildly. When I can secure those moments I focus upon their arrival and use the time available intensively, almost to the exclusion of everything else. When the moment passes I mournfully pack things away and skulk back into ordinary life and depression's shadow follows me occasionally. I think my orbit is becoming more pronounced, the swings more exaggerated. This is also true in my apparent gender. I find myself pursuing somewhat random masculine traits. Not binge drinking and a game of darts for goodness sake, but the pursuit of physical activity, one off purchases, lad's stuff. But the interest in the masculine bias diminishes very rapidly, these are not purchases that are profound and necessary, they are typically superficial and vapid. When I oscillate and orbit back into my own woman's world I find sanctity, objectiveness calmness and ease. The need here is becoming more exaggerated too. Gently plucked eyebrows, cautious body shaving, longer hair all knowingly coutoured - this is becoming tricker, endures longer. Counselling has commenced with the possibility of Hormones on the horizon, this circle is getting larger and the pull is getting stronger. I oscillate wildly but the person on the ride is a woman and whilst she may not speak for part of the orbit, she ain't going to go quietly. Rachel x      
    Aug 15, 2017 310
  • 15 Aug 2017
    Help. I've tripped into my Black Hole and the ladder doesn’t reach out. I need some release and a direction. My male and female sides are fighting, but my hard wiring has some tricky hair triggers built into it, and one has just tripped: it’s the fear of annihilation - hardwired into me by my dear mother through her special treatment all those years ago. Now, my partner does not like any of my feminine side, and always pushes back when I push forward: tights, doing my nails, shaving my body hair, legs, etc. Now I have painfully won a couple of those battles over the years and there is a grudging acceptance of the legs, but she just spotted I was wearing eyeliner out today, with earrings, and she has been shouting at me for an hour. That annihilation trip wire button really makes me feel uncomfortable – like looking down the barrel of a gun. I know now the rational thing to do is to lash out and strike away the gun, but I have suppressed my feeling so much over the years that I cannot express anger, I just get tense inside, and anyway, I want to avoid escalation to high emotions from her.   Outwardly, I have lived a life of respectable conformity with all mod-cons – I have been fortunate to have had time to express my alternate self. Though nowhere near as often as I would have liked.  I have had great help from my psy to manage the balances, and I have researched loads to help me understand myself. After many years I see more clearly, but what I see does not make me happy – it is a mess; I can see decisions I made to conform to society’s expectations, and hide, and how I continued them, always thinking I could keep the female side in check, but sometimes it feels like that something is going to explode: is it an urge, or something powerful? My dilemma is where to go from here. My psy thinks my partner knows more than she wants to admit, and won’t accept much out of fear of a domino effect, and facing the inner me, and out of fear of the house of cards falling. If only we could downgrade to “just friends”, and I can be me. I lack the courage for drastic moves, as I cannot stand confrontation. Now I have dug a hole so deep my ladder won't reach to get me out. Should I confess, and blow the house down, and have her stab me, or retreat until a better time is found; and how can I nudge towards acceptance, gently push those limits. I want to wear my tights, polish my nails, wear dresses, and do my makeup. I feel so frustrated. Help. Anyone out there who can give some good advice? Love Nathalia
    346 Posted by Nathalia van Lydia
  • Help. I've tripped into my Black Hole and the ladder doesn’t reach out. I need some release and a direction. My male and female sides are fighting, but my hard wiring has some tricky hair triggers built into it, and one has just tripped: it’s the fear of annihilation - hardwired into me by my dear mother through her special treatment all those years ago. Now, my partner does not like any of my feminine side, and always pushes back when I push forward: tights, doing my nails, shaving my body hair, legs, etc. Now I have painfully won a couple of those battles over the years and there is a grudging acceptance of the legs, but she just spotted I was wearing eyeliner out today, with earrings, and she has been shouting at me for an hour. That annihilation trip wire button really makes me feel uncomfortable – like looking down the barrel of a gun. I know now the rational thing to do is to lash out and strike away the gun, but I have suppressed my feeling so much over the years that I cannot express anger, I just get tense inside, and anyway, I want to avoid escalation to high emotions from her.   Outwardly, I have lived a life of respectable conformity with all mod-cons – I have been fortunate to have had time to express my alternate self. Though nowhere near as often as I would have liked.  I have had great help from my psy to manage the balances, and I have researched loads to help me understand myself. After many years I see more clearly, but what I see does not make me happy – it is a mess; I can see decisions I made to conform to society’s expectations, and hide, and how I continued them, always thinking I could keep the female side in check, but sometimes it feels like that something is going to explode: is it an urge, or something powerful? My dilemma is where to go from here. My psy thinks my partner knows more than she wants to admit, and won’t accept much out of fear of a domino effect, and facing the inner me, and out of fear of the house of cards falling. If only we could downgrade to “just friends”, and I can be me. I lack the courage for drastic moves, as I cannot stand confrontation. Now I have dug a hole so deep my ladder won't reach to get me out. Should I confess, and blow the house down, and have her stab me, or retreat until a better time is found; and how can I nudge towards acceptance, gently push those limits. I want to wear my tights, polish my nails, wear dresses, and do my makeup. I feel so frustrated. Help. Anyone out there who can give some good advice? Love Nathalia
    Aug 15, 2017 346
  • 09 Aug 2017
    I felt like writing being prompted by a couple of media offerings that unwittingly seemed to show where Transgender people are today. Firstly on U.K. Radio 4 yesterday evening I listened to David Sedaris doing one of his readings, you can see it on line http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/03/28/david-sedaris-shops-for-clothes-in-tokyo David Sedaris is openly Gay, and often mentions his Partner Hugh in the dialogues.Listening on the Radio,David Sedaris refers to Hugh milking the transitioning joke, with references to clothing and tracheal shaves.I felt disturbed to hear the radio audience laughing . Secondly, The Athletics World Championship,and the BBC coverage of the Women's 1500 metre Final specifically Studio discussion of Caster Semenyas participation.I found interesting the analysis from Paula Radcliffe that exposed how the majority can make a judgement to force the individual to fit the norm in order to be included. Both of the examples made me think that Our societies are still not making Transgender people feel included.There is a vast range of transgendered people ,not just one stereotype to make hasty rules around.Ending on a more positive note it does seem there is still some guaranteed media coverage.But personally I look forward to the day when being transgendered is within the normal human range of existence no opportunity.
    293 Posted by Donna V
  • By Donna V
    I felt like writing being prompted by a couple of media offerings that unwittingly seemed to show where Transgender people are today. Firstly on U.K. Radio 4 yesterday evening I listened to David Sedaris doing one of his readings, you can see it on line http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2016/03/28/david-sedaris-shops-for-clothes-in-tokyo David Sedaris is openly Gay, and often mentions his Partner Hugh in the dialogues.Listening on the Radio,David Sedaris refers to Hugh milking the transitioning joke, with references to clothing and tracheal shaves.I felt disturbed to hear the radio audience laughing . Secondly, The Athletics World Championship,and the BBC coverage of the Women's 1500 metre Final specifically Studio discussion of Caster Semenyas participation.I found interesting the analysis from Paula Radcliffe that exposed how the majority can make a judgement to force the individual to fit the norm in order to be included. Both of the examples made me think that Our societies are still not making Transgender people feel included.There is a vast range of transgendered people ,not just one stereotype to make hasty rules around.Ending on a more positive note it does seem there is still some guaranteed media coverage.But personally I look forward to the day when being transgendered is within the normal human range of existence no opportunity.
    Aug 09, 2017 293
  • 05 Aug 2017
    Hey, I am again dressed, nothing glamorous just ordinary clothes, but this is the third consequtive night. Nothing commonplace about this occurance, as it may not repeat itself for a while and so every moment should be a relaxed treasure. Sorry about last night's post. When I read through this morning the fuel (It was a meek Cabarnet Sauvignon) was evident and frankly during the day the headache that built up during the morning was a reminder enough of what I had typed. Not that I regret the content, but it did all spill out quite quickly didn't it, like an ultra-thin 5p shopping bag with too many contents, I feel I let rip and let it all go. No escaping no picking up the pieces and pretending it didn't, doesn't or may not happen after that.. Thank you to Traci (Dear Traci) for a lovely heartfelt comment in return. I stretch out my arms across the pond and hug for a brief moment.. I have wondered about changing my name. My pseudonym which I have become accustomed to, has an artificiality about it that rings more of a drag queen (no offence girls) and less of the woman that I have ackowledge I am. Helen Blackwell may sound like a District Nurse to some who may be familiar with BBC Drama's set in working-class middle England, but it is painfully bland, grounded and oh so honest. Hmmn, but perhaps Rachel it should remain for now. Drabness - the outward appearance at least will return tomorrow. Have a lovely weekend all. Rachel x  
    363 Posted by Rachel de Blanc
  • Hey, I am again dressed, nothing glamorous just ordinary clothes, but this is the third consequtive night. Nothing commonplace about this occurance, as it may not repeat itself for a while and so every moment should be a relaxed treasure. Sorry about last night's post. When I read through this morning the fuel (It was a meek Cabarnet Sauvignon) was evident and frankly during the day the headache that built up during the morning was a reminder enough of what I had typed. Not that I regret the content, but it did all spill out quite quickly didn't it, like an ultra-thin 5p shopping bag with too many contents, I feel I let rip and let it all go. No escaping no picking up the pieces and pretending it didn't, doesn't or may not happen after that.. Thank you to Traci (Dear Traci) for a lovely heartfelt comment in return. I stretch out my arms across the pond and hug for a brief moment.. I have wondered about changing my name. My pseudonym which I have become accustomed to, has an artificiality about it that rings more of a drag queen (no offence girls) and less of the woman that I have ackowledge I am. Helen Blackwell may sound like a District Nurse to some who may be familiar with BBC Drama's set in working-class middle England, but it is painfully bland, grounded and oh so honest. Hmmn, but perhaps Rachel it should remain for now. Drabness - the outward appearance at least will return tomorrow. Have a lovely weekend all. Rachel x  
    Aug 05, 2017 363
  • 04 Aug 2017
    Hi. Firstly, please don't be alarmed by what you are about to read. This is a passage and I will move on from it. Rachel is fine, indeed she feels affirmed, looks great and doesnt' want to go anywhere. Richard on the other hand (there, I've said it, a big bloomin step) is in a real state. He is emasculated, ripped apart and half the woman he could be because he's a faltering man who spends the majority of his time in a state of disregard and disillusionment. Rachel is the dominant partner, the life and the soul the pace the vibrant tick-tock, the dreamer the aspirational poet the confident confidant and the fashionable dare I say sexual being that possesses soul and life. Richard is charming but spent, lacking in self-confidence retreating into a reclusive haf life where he looks at his male peers doesn't understand them or wish to be like them and so falls behind in the chiff-chaff battering of the egotistical bluffing that dominates his working environment. Rachel can see through all of this because she thinks clearly. Her self-confidence enables her to determine a path through the day but this only charts a route towards a dreamland, a pertpetual state of support that is beyond reach and so this perceivable and yet unachieved state mocks, taunts and screws into her other half's day. Rachel it must be said, has drunk two thirds of a bottle of wine. She's not drunk and alarming as a result, but she is fluid, open expressive and communicative. She strapped up and tucked away, wearing new skinny jeans with bosoms that yearn to be real and borrowed perfume. Her wardrobe - which is growing and now resides in the loft - I have a stash, I have a stash, is contemporary and purchased in person. Her make-up is now her own and her composition is better formed, more articuate and understood than it has ever been.  She has taken photos (again!) but cannot launch them into the world because Gender Society's photo albums are not currently yielding and have turned their back. She has considered walking out into the night, a trip around the block for the first time, but dare not. Riots have happened here recently, so better not start another. Rachel / Richard needs help in truth. There are people here that I call friends and whose shoulders I would like to burst into tears upon. If you are capable of this support do let me know, I can travel for this. Rachel isn't a selfish b***h (although this reads otherwise, infact I know she's grateful, expressive forgiving and empathetic. Any help provided would be returned with earnest and heartfelt thanks. Rachel could become a friend for life, Richard too. If you are reading this and have yet to come out and broach the reality of who you really are, then I hope that this gives you the momentum to move forward and not be like this in the future. If you are reading this having come out, transitioned even, then I hope it provides you with a momentunm to reflect and to celebrate what you are now, how far you have travelled and what you now are not. I said at the beginning not to be alarmed. I am and we are but that it our challenge to deal with. I should copy this post and send it to my Gender Therapist with the headline, 'Transition Required, Bridging Hormones to commence ASAP.' I am a woman and like a moth I flutter lively in the artificial environment of the evening. By day I am flat, still and prone to easy disintegration. Thank you for reading, and oh do write a blog or too because it's easier than you think to find peace through a passage or two. Take care Rachel x  
    406 Posted by Rachel de Blanc
  • Hi. Firstly, please don't be alarmed by what you are about to read. This is a passage and I will move on from it. Rachel is fine, indeed she feels affirmed, looks great and doesnt' want to go anywhere. Richard on the other hand (there, I've said it, a big bloomin step) is in a real state. He is emasculated, ripped apart and half the woman he could be because he's a faltering man who spends the majority of his time in a state of disregard and disillusionment. Rachel is the dominant partner, the life and the soul the pace the vibrant tick-tock, the dreamer the aspirational poet the confident confidant and the fashionable dare I say sexual being that possesses soul and life. Richard is charming but spent, lacking in self-confidence retreating into a reclusive haf life where he looks at his male peers doesn't understand them or wish to be like them and so falls behind in the chiff-chaff battering of the egotistical bluffing that dominates his working environment. Rachel can see through all of this because she thinks clearly. Her self-confidence enables her to determine a path through the day but this only charts a route towards a dreamland, a pertpetual state of support that is beyond reach and so this perceivable and yet unachieved state mocks, taunts and screws into her other half's day. Rachel it must be said, has drunk two thirds of a bottle of wine. She's not drunk and alarming as a result, but she is fluid, open expressive and communicative. She strapped up and tucked away, wearing new skinny jeans with bosoms that yearn to be real and borrowed perfume. Her wardrobe - which is growing and now resides in the loft - I have a stash, I have a stash, is contemporary and purchased in person. Her make-up is now her own and her composition is better formed, more articuate and understood than it has ever been.  She has taken photos (again!) but cannot launch them into the world because Gender Society's photo albums are not currently yielding and have turned their back. She has considered walking out into the night, a trip around the block for the first time, but dare not. Riots have happened here recently, so better not start another. Rachel / Richard needs help in truth. There are people here that I call friends and whose shoulders I would like to burst into tears upon. If you are capable of this support do let me know, I can travel for this. Rachel isn't a selfish b***h (although this reads otherwise, infact I know she's grateful, expressive forgiving and empathetic. Any help provided would be returned with earnest and heartfelt thanks. Rachel could become a friend for life, Richard too. If you are reading this and have yet to come out and broach the reality of who you really are, then I hope that this gives you the momentum to move forward and not be like this in the future. If you are reading this having come out, transitioned even, then I hope it provides you with a momentunm to reflect and to celebrate what you are now, how far you have travelled and what you now are not. I said at the beginning not to be alarmed. I am and we are but that it our challenge to deal with. I should copy this post and send it to my Gender Therapist with the headline, 'Transition Required, Bridging Hormones to commence ASAP.' I am a woman and like a moth I flutter lively in the artificial environment of the evening. By day I am flat, still and prone to easy disintegration. Thank you for reading, and oh do write a blog or too because it's easier than you think to find peace through a passage or two. Take care Rachel x  
    Aug 04, 2017 406
  • 18 Jul 2017
    Been a while since I've blogged/ranted on here, but figure this is probably the best place to say this. I've been sort of halfway out for a while now meaning I've told my mom I'm transgender and cut my hair short, but I still can't tell my dad. For those who don't know, I come from a very religious (Baptist) family so getting a sex change is pretty much the worst sin I could possibly commit besides killing myself according to my parents and what I've been brought up to believe. (Not saying I agree that it's wrong). I keep trying to come out further and talk about taking T-shots, but whenever I do, my mom suddenly goes backwards and gets embarrassed by the whole idea. She says she's supportive and wouldn't disown me, but she has the hardest time calling me her son and won't let go that I once dated guys in middle school. (I've told her being gay and trans are not the same thing, but she still brings it up). I just can't help but wonder and worry how much worse my dad will be and a part of me, in all honesty, thinks if I were to never get the change and just "tough this out" he'd actually be proud of me for once in my life. I know, that sounds really dramatic, but I've been trying to get him to not look at me as a "disappointment" pretty much all my life and having Asperger's hasn't helped. For those who don't know, I am trying to self-publish and become an author. I plan on writing a story called Obsession and it's based on me and something that happened. I will also be talking about being transgender and how my relationship with my dad is/was in this story. The reason I bring this up - I worry if I don't take T-shots and get the change, the trans community and others who read my book won't see me as a serious transgender? Part of me wonders if I should wait till I'm old and my parents are gone to be completely honest... Not sure what I'm going to do, but any support or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks.
    326 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • Been a while since I've blogged/ranted on here, but figure this is probably the best place to say this. I've been sort of halfway out for a while now meaning I've told my mom I'm transgender and cut my hair short, but I still can't tell my dad. For those who don't know, I come from a very religious (Baptist) family so getting a sex change is pretty much the worst sin I could possibly commit besides killing myself according to my parents and what I've been brought up to believe. (Not saying I agree that it's wrong). I keep trying to come out further and talk about taking T-shots, but whenever I do, my mom suddenly goes backwards and gets embarrassed by the whole idea. She says she's supportive and wouldn't disown me, but she has the hardest time calling me her son and won't let go that I once dated guys in middle school. (I've told her being gay and trans are not the same thing, but she still brings it up). I just can't help but wonder and worry how much worse my dad will be and a part of me, in all honesty, thinks if I were to never get the change and just "tough this out" he'd actually be proud of me for once in my life. I know, that sounds really dramatic, but I've been trying to get him to not look at me as a "disappointment" pretty much all my life and having Asperger's hasn't helped. For those who don't know, I am trying to self-publish and become an author. I plan on writing a story called Obsession and it's based on me and something that happened. I will also be talking about being transgender and how my relationship with my dad is/was in this story. The reason I bring this up - I worry if I don't take T-shots and get the change, the trans community and others who read my book won't see me as a serious transgender? Part of me wonders if I should wait till I'm old and my parents are gone to be completely honest... Not sure what I'm going to do, but any support or suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks.
    Jul 18, 2017 326