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  • 11 Nov 2016
    Halloween is a special day that for me is filled with mixed feelings. It is a day of both celebration and mourning. In the Pagan and New Age traditions October 31st is both the beginning and the end of what's known as the Wheel Of The Year. Halloween is the night you leave all of the previous year's negativity behind and celebrate the positivity of the year to come. Being a Pagan I take this tradition to heart and hold Halloween as the most sacred night of the year. But I promised you a story, so here goes... On October 31st. 2014 I left the house en femme for the first time. I had already been crossdressing in private for a very long time but that year I decided I couldn't keep my deep dark secret in anymore. I used Halloween as my first coming out because I knew many of my friends at the time wouldn't believe how badly I really wanted to be a girl. They all thought my ''costume'' was a joke, and I let them believe it. When asked why I dressed up as a girl I just simply responded ''this is the one night a year I can be anyone I want to be and I want to be a girl''. I put on my best skirt and corset, did my make up as well as I could and put my hair in pig tails, I looked like a cartoon but it was me, Devi. Finally the voice in my head and the girl of my dreams came to life, that day Devi was born. I went to a local bar with a few coworkers and of coarse they teased me to no end for my choice of ''costume''. I didn't care, I was happy. I didn't drink much and didn't dance, but as I sat on the stool watching the costume contest I was overflowing with joy at the fact that it wasn't a costume to me, I was just wearing the clothes that I liked, that I finally had the courage to wear outside. At closing time our plan was to meet at one of the friends houses for further fun and drinking. My ''friend'' who I was getting a ride with was noticabley angry and uncomfortable that I was touching up my lipstick in his passenger seat. He asked why I was doing that after leaving the bar and I just said, ''because the night isn't over, besides, no one took any pictures yet''. His blatant homophobia (transphobia?) caused him to drive faster than usual in a wreckless way. We rounded a bend on a freeway on-ramp and it's my understanding that we flipped the SUV off the side of the ramp doing over 50mph, fell 30 feet before landing upside down. I don't remember the crash but I remember a brief glimpse of walking towards a cop before fainting. The next time I woke up was in the hospital where I was told what had happened. After the crash the driver crawled out of the wreck and ran leaving me unconscious in it. He ran because he was drunk and had pot on him. He left me for dead because he was afraid of criminal charges. He was found down the street, taken to the hospital, and charged anyway. I was told I briefly regained consciousness and crawled out myself, I walked towards the flashing lights when a cop told me I needed to sit down. I collapsed in front of him and don't know what happened next. At the hospital I woke up fully en femme. At that time Devi and Dave were two very separate personalities. Dave was miserable and suicidal, that accident killed him and everything about myself I hated. I woke up as Devi, happy, free, out, and alive. The first day after the accident I still wasn't completely sure who or where I was, but I knew the guy I used to be was dead and the girl I always wanted to be was born. I learned that my injuries included a severe concussion, closed head injury, broken nose, severe lacerations and bruising and 15 stitches in my face. Small price to pay for the privilege of getting the reset I always wanted. That incident voided my friendship with the driver and I later settled out of court with his auto insurance company for $12,800. I'm currently in the process of filing for disability because 2 years later my memory is still terrible and I still dissociate more than is considered normal. It's now my new tradition to celebrate the anniversary of my coming out by not dressing up for Halloween. I pick something out of the closet that looks like a costume like 'goth school girl', 'dominatrix', 'flapper girl', or 'dead prom date' , but it's my inside joke that it's not really a costume, it's just my clothes and I'm just a weirdo. I love when people compliment my "costume" but I just giggle to myself at the fact that it's not really a costume. So that's the story of the first time I died. In the last two years since that night I've become more and more happy with my life and who I am. I've let go of most of my old negative ways and have embraced my life as a beautiful woman. I don't miss being a sad, suicidal, alcoholic straight male at all. I was never glad to be any of those things. These days I'm happier than ever to be the beautiful bisexual goth weirdo of woman I always wanted to be. It's been two years since I stopped holding in my deep dark secret and my life keeps getting better and better ever since.
    429 Posted by Devi Strigoica
  • Halloween is a special day that for me is filled with mixed feelings. It is a day of both celebration and mourning. In the Pagan and New Age traditions October 31st is both the beginning and the end of what's known as the Wheel Of The Year. Halloween is the night you leave all of the previous year's negativity behind and celebrate the positivity of the year to come. Being a Pagan I take this tradition to heart and hold Halloween as the most sacred night of the year. But I promised you a story, so here goes... On October 31st. 2014 I left the house en femme for the first time. I had already been crossdressing in private for a very long time but that year I decided I couldn't keep my deep dark secret in anymore. I used Halloween as my first coming out because I knew many of my friends at the time wouldn't believe how badly I really wanted to be a girl. They all thought my ''costume'' was a joke, and I let them believe it. When asked why I dressed up as a girl I just simply responded ''this is the one night a year I can be anyone I want to be and I want to be a girl''. I put on my best skirt and corset, did my make up as well as I could and put my hair in pig tails, I looked like a cartoon but it was me, Devi. Finally the voice in my head and the girl of my dreams came to life, that day Devi was born. I went to a local bar with a few coworkers and of coarse they teased me to no end for my choice of ''costume''. I didn't care, I was happy. I didn't drink much and didn't dance, but as I sat on the stool watching the costume contest I was overflowing with joy at the fact that it wasn't a costume to me, I was just wearing the clothes that I liked, that I finally had the courage to wear outside. At closing time our plan was to meet at one of the friends houses for further fun and drinking. My ''friend'' who I was getting a ride with was noticabley angry and uncomfortable that I was touching up my lipstick in his passenger seat. He asked why I was doing that after leaving the bar and I just said, ''because the night isn't over, besides, no one took any pictures yet''. His blatant homophobia (transphobia?) caused him to drive faster than usual in a wreckless way. We rounded a bend on a freeway on-ramp and it's my understanding that we flipped the SUV off the side of the ramp doing over 50mph, fell 30 feet before landing upside down. I don't remember the crash but I remember a brief glimpse of walking towards a cop before fainting. The next time I woke up was in the hospital where I was told what had happened. After the crash the driver crawled out of the wreck and ran leaving me unconscious in it. He ran because he was drunk and had pot on him. He left me for dead because he was afraid of criminal charges. He was found down the street, taken to the hospital, and charged anyway. I was told I briefly regained consciousness and crawled out myself, I walked towards the flashing lights when a cop told me I needed to sit down. I collapsed in front of him and don't know what happened next. At the hospital I woke up fully en femme. At that time Devi and Dave were two very separate personalities. Dave was miserable and suicidal, that accident killed him and everything about myself I hated. I woke up as Devi, happy, free, out, and alive. The first day after the accident I still wasn't completely sure who or where I was, but I knew the guy I used to be was dead and the girl I always wanted to be was born. I learned that my injuries included a severe concussion, closed head injury, broken nose, severe lacerations and bruising and 15 stitches in my face. Small price to pay for the privilege of getting the reset I always wanted. That incident voided my friendship with the driver and I later settled out of court with his auto insurance company for $12,800. I'm currently in the process of filing for disability because 2 years later my memory is still terrible and I still dissociate more than is considered normal. It's now my new tradition to celebrate the anniversary of my coming out by not dressing up for Halloween. I pick something out of the closet that looks like a costume like 'goth school girl', 'dominatrix', 'flapper girl', or 'dead prom date' , but it's my inside joke that it's not really a costume, it's just my clothes and I'm just a weirdo. I love when people compliment my "costume" but I just giggle to myself at the fact that it's not really a costume. So that's the story of the first time I died. In the last two years since that night I've become more and more happy with my life and who I am. I've let go of most of my old negative ways and have embraced my life as a beautiful woman. I don't miss being a sad, suicidal, alcoholic straight male at all. I was never glad to be any of those things. These days I'm happier than ever to be the beautiful bisexual goth weirdo of woman I always wanted to be. It's been two years since I stopped holding in my deep dark secret and my life keeps getting better and better ever since.
    Nov 11, 2016 429
  • 30 Oct 2016
    Just over 2 years since I come out as ftm, over 1 year on hormones. So life before as I know it now I identified as a straight feminine female (tried to), I was attracted to men, masculinity in women (butch) I was always done up daily make up, nails, hair, clothes etc, if I didn't I would feel like a complete failure, didn't have many women friends, got along with men as crushes, mutual friends, dates etc Now two years out as trans, I am comfortable with my self that I don't have to dress up in my best just to pop up the shop for milk ( which is a good thing ) BUT!! Since I've come out I have lost my confidence when it comes to interacting with males, ie at the gym , I am blessed that I have male passing privilege but I avoid all eye contact n get to my destination with my eyes towards the floor, that was never like me before, I now tend to be more comfortable with females then before, making friends, I will be more comfortable with a group of women instead of men (before was visa versa). And what I'm attracted too just got a whole lot more complicated, without trying to put people into boxes or "labeling" anyone I don't like masculine men but I find them attractive to look at and that is all, I like feminine males, with out stereotyping too much the "feminine males" I've interacted with till now have come with a hole load of drama which I'm not used ( just In my experience ). The "butch" lesbian (again sorry for stereotyping, it's what I find attractive) they are not interested as they are attracted to women (femininity in general) and me as a Transman havent got that much femininity, and if I have it would come across (stereotypically ) as gay :/ To top it all of I have a personal trainer that I work out with twice a week, and I think I have a crush on him. He knows I am trans, he is straight, still doesn't stop me from having inappropriate thoughts about him during our sessions, and as I'm body building training (early stages, nothing to brag about yet) there have been some pretty not appropriate position we've been in the the naughty thoughts just keep coming (pun not intended) Not sure why I felt the need to spill my guts, hope this helps some one if they feel like this and if any one else has felt like this would love some advice feed back
    418 Posted by Samual Davison
  • Just over 2 years since I come out as ftm, over 1 year on hormones. So life before as I know it now I identified as a straight feminine female (tried to), I was attracted to men, masculinity in women (butch) I was always done up daily make up, nails, hair, clothes etc, if I didn't I would feel like a complete failure, didn't have many women friends, got along with men as crushes, mutual friends, dates etc Now two years out as trans, I am comfortable with my self that I don't have to dress up in my best just to pop up the shop for milk ( which is a good thing ) BUT!! Since I've come out I have lost my confidence when it comes to interacting with males, ie at the gym , I am blessed that I have male passing privilege but I avoid all eye contact n get to my destination with my eyes towards the floor, that was never like me before, I now tend to be more comfortable with females then before, making friends, I will be more comfortable with a group of women instead of men (before was visa versa). And what I'm attracted too just got a whole lot more complicated, without trying to put people into boxes or "labeling" anyone I don't like masculine men but I find them attractive to look at and that is all, I like feminine males, with out stereotyping too much the "feminine males" I've interacted with till now have come with a hole load of drama which I'm not used ( just In my experience ). The "butch" lesbian (again sorry for stereotyping, it's what I find attractive) they are not interested as they are attracted to women (femininity in general) and me as a Transman havent got that much femininity, and if I have it would come across (stereotypically ) as gay :/ To top it all of I have a personal trainer that I work out with twice a week, and I think I have a crush on him. He knows I am trans, he is straight, still doesn't stop me from having inappropriate thoughts about him during our sessions, and as I'm body building training (early stages, nothing to brag about yet) there have been some pretty not appropriate position we've been in the the naughty thoughts just keep coming (pun not intended) Not sure why I felt the need to spill my guts, hope this helps some one if they feel like this and if any one else has felt like this would love some advice feed back
    Oct 30, 2016 418
  • 25 Oct 2016
    It's been a little over year now since I've began physical transition with hormone replacement therapy. So much has changed I'm not really sure where to start. At my last endocrinologist appointment I learned that my estrogen levels are in appropriate range and my testosterone levels are low, but not low enough for my liking. Sure, my boobs have grown to about a 34B cup and my facial features have softened in a much more feminine way, but I'm having trouble gaining weight in my hips and butt. Of coarse I'd like a more girly figure with a slimmer waist, flatter stomach, wider hips and rounder bum, but for some reason my body fat is still accumulating around the waist. Maybe I should focus on exercising and toning the belly and hope my curves catch up to me sooner or later. When I brought this concern up to my Endo he said that it's probably genetic, in his words, I am "going to mature into one of those tall statuesque women with very little body fat to begin with". Another physical thing I've noticed is my hair has been falling out lately. It's hard to tell if it's from male pattern shedding or if it's from my habit of regularly repurpling my hair. I've been dying my hair for years, it's been purple since before coming out. I'm used to the usual damage to my hair that I usually can maintain with fancy conditioners but lately it's been falling out worse and I can't help but panic over it and worry that it's a hormonal imbalance problem. The Dr. suggested I stop taking the Spiro and switch to Finastride but my insurance wouldn't cover it and paying put of pocket would be too expensive so I'm back on the Spiro. Side note: The FDA has only approved Finastride for males* and will not allow my insurance company to cover it for me, because my file with them was finally corrected to have to right gender marker. Yes, I am a woman. But some women have a prostate (that's what Finastride is actually intended for), and some men have a uterous. Gendered medication is just absurd, because some people of the opposite gender have the same body parts. Anyway, physically I feel like I'm at a plateau. Emotionally I am in a much better place as I was a year ago. I now finally can experience the full range of emotions, something I always had trouble with in my old life. I cry over terrible sadness, shed tears of joy when deeply at peace and madly in love. I feel like my mind simply functions better now. My underlying mental health issues that I knew hormones wouldn't fix are starting to be much easier to deal with. I still have occasional mood swings but they are much less intense now. Overall my life is better, I've had to distance myself from many old friends who refused to accept me, refused to respect me, never tried to use the right name or pronouns and often argued with me about myself. I'm happy they are all gone, a few of them I miss but most I don't. I don't have time or patience for toxic assholes who only want to bring me down. I've also drastically reduced my drinking and don't go out clubbing every week anymore. I still go dance for the bigger themed events but often don't show up for the slower nights filled with just the other regulars anymore. Many of them are too elitist for my taste, plus, bar drinks are expensive and weak. I still enjoy dancing but these days my idea of a good date is more like Chinese take out, a bottle of wine and an evening stroll hand in hand with my love. What else is different, hmm, well I quit smoking cigarettes several months ago and don't miss them, it was a nasty habit that I always wanted to quit anyway. Legally my life is much better now. My name is now legally Devi. I have my Driver's license and social security card in the right name but am still in the process of getting my birth certificate and passport with the correct name and gender on them. I am in the social security administration, health insurance company, state health plan agency, Dr.s office, pharmacies, etc files and systems as female but unfortunately in my state I can't get it changed on the driver's license until it's changed on the birth certificate which can't be changed until I have a letter from a surgeon saying I "am compete". Which is bullshit, obviously. All of us know, I am a woman, I am a person, I am a complete human, I am not missing any body parts, in the future I hope to have my current parts altered and reshaped, but they will still be my parts. Many trans people don't want genital surgery, most can't afford it, some can't have it for health reasons, they are all still complete people and deserve their identity to be respected and reflected on important identification documents! I could rant for days on all the problems that could arise due to being misgendered on documents. For all the disphpric trouble of being the victim of outdated hateful bureaucratic laws, at the very least it's just bad record keeping on the part of the agencies in charge of keeping the records. So my plan is to use my demographic sheet from social security that has the correct name and gender on it, along with a letter from my doctor stating that I am medically a woman, legally a woman according to current medical standards, and a few other supporting documents to get a passport with the correct name and gender. Once I have that I can use it to change the gender marker on my driver's license. Once that is done I can get it changed on my birth certificate. Ugh. Tedious, right? Seems like a lot of trouble just to prove I was mistakenly labelled as a boy at birth. No one consulted me before they raised me like a boy. Why do we do this? As a society, I mean. Many cultures around the world and throughout all of history have had some sort of coming of age ritual or celebration that involved a person taking on a new name and identity once they reached a certain age or point in development when they have grown enough to know who or what they wanted to be. Many of us never liked either our old name or old identity, so why does the law make it so difficult for us to document who we feel we really are? If we were up to no good why would we want a paper trail of documentation proving the identity of who we really are? I am a girl named Devi. My friends in real life as well as well as anyone who's ever read about me or chatted with me online know me as girl named Devi. In all of my interaction with anyone on any given day I am never anything but a young lady. So that's where I'm at, 1 year into the fun. I am physically a lady much more now than when I started, most of my legal documents have been corrected to my new legal name, currently working on getting both the new name and gender marker changed across the board on several different identification documents from several different state and federal agencies. It's a frustrating bureaucratic mess, but I'm pretty good at using a pen to get what I want. Once upon a time I wanted to be a paralegal, researching legal proceedings and procedures and find loopholes in the fine print of paperwork comes naturally to me. The legalities of transition can be stressful and often times designed to work against girls like me, but I'm good at this.
    528 Posted by Devi Strigoica
  • It's been a little over year now since I've began physical transition with hormone replacement therapy. So much has changed I'm not really sure where to start. At my last endocrinologist appointment I learned that my estrogen levels are in appropriate range and my testosterone levels are low, but not low enough for my liking. Sure, my boobs have grown to about a 34B cup and my facial features have softened in a much more feminine way, but I'm having trouble gaining weight in my hips and butt. Of coarse I'd like a more girly figure with a slimmer waist, flatter stomach, wider hips and rounder bum, but for some reason my body fat is still accumulating around the waist. Maybe I should focus on exercising and toning the belly and hope my curves catch up to me sooner or later. When I brought this concern up to my Endo he said that it's probably genetic, in his words, I am "going to mature into one of those tall statuesque women with very little body fat to begin with". Another physical thing I've noticed is my hair has been falling out lately. It's hard to tell if it's from male pattern shedding or if it's from my habit of regularly repurpling my hair. I've been dying my hair for years, it's been purple since before coming out. I'm used to the usual damage to my hair that I usually can maintain with fancy conditioners but lately it's been falling out worse and I can't help but panic over it and worry that it's a hormonal imbalance problem. The Dr. suggested I stop taking the Spiro and switch to Finastride but my insurance wouldn't cover it and paying put of pocket would be too expensive so I'm back on the Spiro. Side note: The FDA has only approved Finastride for males* and will not allow my insurance company to cover it for me, because my file with them was finally corrected to have to right gender marker. Yes, I am a woman. But some women have a prostate (that's what Finastride is actually intended for), and some men have a uterous. Gendered medication is just absurd, because some people of the opposite gender have the same body parts. Anyway, physically I feel like I'm at a plateau. Emotionally I am in a much better place as I was a year ago. I now finally can experience the full range of emotions, something I always had trouble with in my old life. I cry over terrible sadness, shed tears of joy when deeply at peace and madly in love. I feel like my mind simply functions better now. My underlying mental health issues that I knew hormones wouldn't fix are starting to be much easier to deal with. I still have occasional mood swings but they are much less intense now. Overall my life is better, I've had to distance myself from many old friends who refused to accept me, refused to respect me, never tried to use the right name or pronouns and often argued with me about myself. I'm happy they are all gone, a few of them I miss but most I don't. I don't have time or patience for toxic assholes who only want to bring me down. I've also drastically reduced my drinking and don't go out clubbing every week anymore. I still go dance for the bigger themed events but often don't show up for the slower nights filled with just the other regulars anymore. Many of them are too elitist for my taste, plus, bar drinks are expensive and weak. I still enjoy dancing but these days my idea of a good date is more like Chinese take out, a bottle of wine and an evening stroll hand in hand with my love. What else is different, hmm, well I quit smoking cigarettes several months ago and don't miss them, it was a nasty habit that I always wanted to quit anyway. Legally my life is much better now. My name is now legally Devi. I have my Driver's license and social security card in the right name but am still in the process of getting my birth certificate and passport with the correct name and gender on them. I am in the social security administration, health insurance company, state health plan agency, Dr.s office, pharmacies, etc files and systems as female but unfortunately in my state I can't get it changed on the driver's license until it's changed on the birth certificate which can't be changed until I have a letter from a surgeon saying I "am compete". Which is bullshit, obviously. All of us know, I am a woman, I am a person, I am a complete human, I am not missing any body parts, in the future I hope to have my current parts altered and reshaped, but they will still be my parts. Many trans people don't want genital surgery, most can't afford it, some can't have it for health reasons, they are all still complete people and deserve their identity to be respected and reflected on important identification documents! I could rant for days on all the problems that could arise due to being misgendered on documents. For all the disphpric trouble of being the victim of outdated hateful bureaucratic laws, at the very least it's just bad record keeping on the part of the agencies in charge of keeping the records. So my plan is to use my demographic sheet from social security that has the correct name and gender on it, along with a letter from my doctor stating that I am medically a woman, legally a woman according to current medical standards, and a few other supporting documents to get a passport with the correct name and gender. Once I have that I can use it to change the gender marker on my driver's license. Once that is done I can get it changed on my birth certificate. Ugh. Tedious, right? Seems like a lot of trouble just to prove I was mistakenly labelled as a boy at birth. No one consulted me before they raised me like a boy. Why do we do this? As a society, I mean. Many cultures around the world and throughout all of history have had some sort of coming of age ritual or celebration that involved a person taking on a new name and identity once they reached a certain age or point in development when they have grown enough to know who or what they wanted to be. Many of us never liked either our old name or old identity, so why does the law make it so difficult for us to document who we feel we really are? If we were up to no good why would we want a paper trail of documentation proving the identity of who we really are? I am a girl named Devi. My friends in real life as well as well as anyone who's ever read about me or chatted with me online know me as girl named Devi. In all of my interaction with anyone on any given day I am never anything but a young lady. So that's where I'm at, 1 year into the fun. I am physically a lady much more now than when I started, most of my legal documents have been corrected to my new legal name, currently working on getting both the new name and gender marker changed across the board on several different identification documents from several different state and federal agencies. It's a frustrating bureaucratic mess, but I'm pretty good at using a pen to get what I want. Once upon a time I wanted to be a paralegal, researching legal proceedings and procedures and find loopholes in the fine print of paperwork comes naturally to me. The legalities of transition can be stressful and often times designed to work against girls like me, but I'm good at this.
    Oct 25, 2016 528
  • 23 Oct 2016
    It is unfortunate that the early researchers tried to popularise their work, and presumably themselves, with this title ( Patricia A Jacobs et al in Edinburgh, 1959 and several articles in the Lancet: 2 January 1960 and 17 September)   Bernard Lennox, Principal advisor on medical terms to the Oxford English Dictionary chose to publish this erronious and misleading word to describe XXX females.   Triple X Syndrome occurs in 1 in 1000 girls. It is NOT inherited. The majority are never diagnosed. Some have XX cells and XXX cells. This is called a mosaic. Observable physical anomalies: rare except for 'taller than average and sisters'. So few XXX females are identified that effects are not easily identified and samples may not be significant: characteristics may include:- No effects or extremely mild Stature - tall (accelerated growth to puberty), small head, epicanthic (eyelid) folds, speech learning difficulties (dyslexia) Potential risks:- Auditory processing disorders, delayed language development, motor co-ordination problems, scoliosis Poor school academic performance, psychological and personality problems Early ovarian failure, despite normal fertility Anxiety, shyness and low self-esteem Benificial aids: Stable and happy home environment Leaving school   Physical tests: blood test confirms XXX, EEG abnormalities      
  • It is unfortunate that the early researchers tried to popularise their work, and presumably themselves, with this title ( Patricia A Jacobs et al in Edinburgh, 1959 and several articles in the Lancet: 2 January 1960 and 17 September)   Bernard Lennox, Principal advisor on medical terms to the Oxford English Dictionary chose to publish this erronious and misleading word to describe XXX females.   Triple X Syndrome occurs in 1 in 1000 girls. It is NOT inherited. The majority are never diagnosed. Some have XX cells and XXX cells. This is called a mosaic. Observable physical anomalies: rare except for 'taller than average and sisters'. So few XXX females are identified that effects are not easily identified and samples may not be significant: characteristics may include:- No effects or extremely mild Stature - tall (accelerated growth to puberty), small head, epicanthic (eyelid) folds, speech learning difficulties (dyslexia) Potential risks:- Auditory processing disorders, delayed language development, motor co-ordination problems, scoliosis Poor school academic performance, psychological and personality problems Early ovarian failure, despite normal fertility Anxiety, shyness and low self-esteem Benificial aids: Stable and happy home environment Leaving school   Physical tests: blood test confirms XXX, EEG abnormalities      
    Oct 23, 2016 563
  • 20 Oct 2016
    I will perhaps write at length about the sorry affair of this week's meeting of interested and totally bored and dis-interested professionals in Caerdydd, our 'Welsh' supposed Capital city, once I have time to talk to Trans survivors of this solely box-ticking exercise.   Suffice it to say that GIC professional simply 'lost the plot', other Medical professionals (who all appeared to be bigotted General Practitioners) lost no time in sneering at the assembled domestic livestock herded into the 'Cattle Auction' (a handful of sadly hopeful Trans-women and one -man).   Our leaders presumably had wind of the antagonistic attitude to our community. I was asked to attend in order to provide a Trans Medical presence and balanced view-point.   My Curriculum Vitae includes: Professor of Surgery Chair, Speciality Advisory Committee Associate Dean of Postgraduate Medicine Chair, Regional Speciality Training Committee Regional Training Director Royal College Regional Advisor, Council member, Examiner, etc.   I suspect that I recently missed a phonecall from one of our leading representatives on Govt comittees to attend. I had, however, already resisted invitations; as I thought that the meeting would be a total waste of time. I did not realise that the GPs were of my generation. Psychiatry was 2 weeks of mornings in training; and, if you could be bothered to read the text-books - well! All such weighty tomes were written by expatriate Austro-Hungarrians fleeing from the Nazis. Each and every one stated emphatically that what we currently call Gender Dysphoria was "A severe Psychotic Mental Illness, always associated with Paedophilia, requiring immediate 'sectioning' under the auspices of the Mental Health Act for the statuary 28 days: thereafter transfer to a secure Mental Asylum for appropriate treatment over a minimum period of 2 years (twice weekly Electro-Convulsive Therapy covered by intra-muscular Sodium Pentothal. Ms April Ashley OBE received this 'treatment' in its entitity'.   The 'Death-camp' Psychiatrists with their mis-guided psycho-analsis based 'philosophy' are thankfully long gone. However, this meaningless exercise has demonstrated that their non-Psychiatrist off-spring are institutionally antagonistic and would benefit from re-training. The GPs and their bigotted acolytes seemingly enjoyed Trans-baiting' and added insult to injury by repeatedly referring to "YOU TRANS pause, long pause PEOPLE!   I am a gentle and (hopefully) charming lady, not given to any form of violence. The reason I declined to attend is simply that I did not want to descend to their level and that of their North Carolina Governor "chum".    R.I.P. the proposed Welsh GIC: R.I.P Charing Cross GIC
  • I will perhaps write at length about the sorry affair of this week's meeting of interested and totally bored and dis-interested professionals in Caerdydd, our 'Welsh' supposed Capital city, once I have time to talk to Trans survivors of this solely box-ticking exercise.   Suffice it to say that GIC professional simply 'lost the plot', other Medical professionals (who all appeared to be bigotted General Practitioners) lost no time in sneering at the assembled domestic livestock herded into the 'Cattle Auction' (a handful of sadly hopeful Trans-women and one -man).   Our leaders presumably had wind of the antagonistic attitude to our community. I was asked to attend in order to provide a Trans Medical presence and balanced view-point.   My Curriculum Vitae includes: Professor of Surgery Chair, Speciality Advisory Committee Associate Dean of Postgraduate Medicine Chair, Regional Speciality Training Committee Regional Training Director Royal College Regional Advisor, Council member, Examiner, etc.   I suspect that I recently missed a phonecall from one of our leading representatives on Govt comittees to attend. I had, however, already resisted invitations; as I thought that the meeting would be a total waste of time. I did not realise that the GPs were of my generation. Psychiatry was 2 weeks of mornings in training; and, if you could be bothered to read the text-books - well! All such weighty tomes were written by expatriate Austro-Hungarrians fleeing from the Nazis. Each and every one stated emphatically that what we currently call Gender Dysphoria was "A severe Psychotic Mental Illness, always associated with Paedophilia, requiring immediate 'sectioning' under the auspices of the Mental Health Act for the statuary 28 days: thereafter transfer to a secure Mental Asylum for appropriate treatment over a minimum period of 2 years (twice weekly Electro-Convulsive Therapy covered by intra-muscular Sodium Pentothal. Ms April Ashley OBE received this 'treatment' in its entitity'.   The 'Death-camp' Psychiatrists with their mis-guided psycho-analsis based 'philosophy' are thankfully long gone. However, this meaningless exercise has demonstrated that their non-Psychiatrist off-spring are institutionally antagonistic and would benefit from re-training. The GPs and their bigotted acolytes seemingly enjoyed Trans-baiting' and added insult to injury by repeatedly referring to "YOU TRANS pause, long pause PEOPLE!   I am a gentle and (hopefully) charming lady, not given to any form of violence. The reason I declined to attend is simply that I did not want to descend to their level and that of their North Carolina Governor "chum".    R.I.P. the proposed Welsh GIC: R.I.P Charing Cross GIC
    Oct 20, 2016 453
  • 20 Oct 2016
    Chatting to several Trustees of 'Sparkle' 2017 in Manchester's Gay Village, prior to the initial meeting for the event, I mentioned that I had just seen and appreciated an appropriately dressed, older, smart and elegant business-woman on her way to Piccadilly Station. At that moment, in the rush hour crowd, an equally smart business-man, walking next to me, turned to his female colleague and said "Look, a drag queen, mind you we are on the edge otf their Gay Village". The young woman said "Welcome to the 20th Century, she is what you should now call a Trans-woman with appropriate, excellent make up, expensive wig, etc. I think she's lovely, and I prefer to call her a woman". He looked at me, somewhat 'confused', and I smiled as one does to a small child.  
  • Chatting to several Trustees of 'Sparkle' 2017 in Manchester's Gay Village, prior to the initial meeting for the event, I mentioned that I had just seen and appreciated an appropriately dressed, older, smart and elegant business-woman on her way to Piccadilly Station. At that moment, in the rush hour crowd, an equally smart business-man, walking next to me, turned to his female colleague and said "Look, a drag queen, mind you we are on the edge otf their Gay Village". The young woman said "Welcome to the 20th Century, she is what you should now call a Trans-woman with appropriate, excellent make up, expensive wig, etc. I think she's lovely, and I prefer to call her a woman". He looked at me, somewhat 'confused', and I smiled as one does to a small child.  
    Oct 20, 2016 521
  • 15 Oct 2016
    The waiting-times for Gender Identity Clinic referrals in England and Wales continue to soar: first appointments in Exeter and Nottingham are well over a year (up from 3 months just 2 years ago): Leeds, Sheffield and London more like 3 years: the legal team in the West Midlands have advised the Clinic not to release figures; and, if you are not fortunate enough to be a Northumberland Area resident, 12 and a 1/2 years in Newcastle (so much for 'Patient Choice').   It is no surprise that Trans people and their parents or guardians are tempted to 'self-medicate' and to obtain supplies claimed to be 'sex-hormones, on the Internet.   Those who appreciate the dangers of this 'interim' therapy may well go for telephone consultations with a qualified Medical Practitioner; and think this course is the safer choice.   Trans people are vulnerable, frequently confused and exposed, leading to inevitable potential financial exploitation. A classic example of this was the business career of the charming and late Mrs Booth ( Ms Lloyd), who set up exorbitantly expensive shops (first in Prestwich, Manchester) targeting the Trans community; and, later, the now collapsed Llangollen Hotels targetting the LGBT community. I visited her Prestwich shop in 1988, and fell in love with a dress at £50.00: not only could I never afford it, but I found exactly the same dress with an identical label in a Bolton shop the next week.....price? £10.00 !!!   My personal opinion is that a doctor prescribing hormones to 12 years olds, and the parent or guardian, are exposed and open to legal action by the individual, once they reach the age of informed consent. It is likely that any doctor willing to treat Trans individuals without prior communication with their General Practitioner and sight of their medical history and medication is placing themselves at risk of General Medical Council scrutiny at the least. This is compounded by (personal reports from Trans-women frends) one well-known doctor in the UK is failing in their duty to obtain base-line blood tests (to include sex-hormones anf Liver Function Tests), prior to initiating therapy. The same doctor appears not to undertake the necessary repeat tests after eight weeks of treatment and repeat tests six monthly to dose-titrate the therapy.   Complaints have apparently been received by the GMC: who have just issued interim guide-lines to medical practitioners for 'Telephone Consultations'; and,commenced a consultation document in order to provide final guide-lines in the essential interests of 'Patient Safety'.   In the meantime, my sisters: "Beware of Strangers bearing Gifts" !   
  • The waiting-times for Gender Identity Clinic referrals in England and Wales continue to soar: first appointments in Exeter and Nottingham are well over a year (up from 3 months just 2 years ago): Leeds, Sheffield and London more like 3 years: the legal team in the West Midlands have advised the Clinic not to release figures; and, if you are not fortunate enough to be a Northumberland Area resident, 12 and a 1/2 years in Newcastle (so much for 'Patient Choice').   It is no surprise that Trans people and their parents or guardians are tempted to 'self-medicate' and to obtain supplies claimed to be 'sex-hormones, on the Internet.   Those who appreciate the dangers of this 'interim' therapy may well go for telephone consultations with a qualified Medical Practitioner; and think this course is the safer choice.   Trans people are vulnerable, frequently confused and exposed, leading to inevitable potential financial exploitation. A classic example of this was the business career of the charming and late Mrs Booth ( Ms Lloyd), who set up exorbitantly expensive shops (first in Prestwich, Manchester) targeting the Trans community; and, later, the now collapsed Llangollen Hotels targetting the LGBT community. I visited her Prestwich shop in 1988, and fell in love with a dress at £50.00: not only could I never afford it, but I found exactly the same dress with an identical label in a Bolton shop the next week.....price? £10.00 !!!   My personal opinion is that a doctor prescribing hormones to 12 years olds, and the parent or guardian, are exposed and open to legal action by the individual, once they reach the age of informed consent. It is likely that any doctor willing to treat Trans individuals without prior communication with their General Practitioner and sight of their medical history and medication is placing themselves at risk of General Medical Council scrutiny at the least. This is compounded by (personal reports from Trans-women frends) one well-known doctor in the UK is failing in their duty to obtain base-line blood tests (to include sex-hormones anf Liver Function Tests), prior to initiating therapy. The same doctor appears not to undertake the necessary repeat tests after eight weeks of treatment and repeat tests six monthly to dose-titrate the therapy.   Complaints have apparently been received by the GMC: who have just issued interim guide-lines to medical practitioners for 'Telephone Consultations'; and,commenced a consultation document in order to provide final guide-lines in the essential interests of 'Patient Safety'.   In the meantime, my sisters: "Beware of Strangers bearing Gifts" !   
    Oct 15, 2016 455
  • 11 Oct 2016
    jotting a few thoughts ,comments on recent happenings -Personally Transition wise ..waiting for the surgeons assesment GRS wise.Health wise I am okay . -Occupation work wise ..I transitioned from being a corporate electronic engineer to now a happy  mixture of Gardener,House keeper,Dog sitter ,and Artist sculptor in Metalwork.Just finished of a large water feature commission, the client was very happy, and so am I with it.They had lovely Dogs who made a great fuss of me when I visited. -The media stuff Brexit, Trump et al, and welcome reminder in the shape of Jan Morris age 90 talking to Michael Palin on UK Telly .So is  Democracy just  about having your right to be heard and represented by  elections and referenda  pronouncing the Winners and Losers defining those as  superior and Right and those cast as wrong? I find it is difficult to dismiss the feeling that the recent increases  reports of crimes of  Xenophobic ,Homophobic and prejudice are linked to the political success of a mixed voice of dissention considering itself to be legitimized.The flip side is responsibilty for your actions,and understanding how you affect others. I was pleased to see the short programme about Jan Morris , who I remember seeing for the first time  in the early 70s [when I was about 10]confronting a very sceptical television Panel  sitting in Judgement almost on Trial,including the late Robin Day about her "Sex Change".This was a revelation to me at the time, and I was just so struck , Jan is the kind of person I relate to and I felt a linkage , not to any of the others on the programme representing the norm and the majority .They Actually showed the same  archival footage as part the Michael Palin programme.well Worth seeing.     So toward the end of the programme Michael Palin  very informally inquired , "..so your 90 whats the secret , what do you want to say."  Jan showed the gravestone which declared her life long Partner as friends, and articulated the idea that kindness was a better guide than love.
    403 Posted by Donna V
  • By Donna V
    jotting a few thoughts ,comments on recent happenings -Personally Transition wise ..waiting for the surgeons assesment GRS wise.Health wise I am okay . -Occupation work wise ..I transitioned from being a corporate electronic engineer to now a happy  mixture of Gardener,House keeper,Dog sitter ,and Artist sculptor in Metalwork.Just finished of a large water feature commission, the client was very happy, and so am I with it.They had lovely Dogs who made a great fuss of me when I visited. -The media stuff Brexit, Trump et al, and welcome reminder in the shape of Jan Morris age 90 talking to Michael Palin on UK Telly .So is  Democracy just  about having your right to be heard and represented by  elections and referenda  pronouncing the Winners and Losers defining those as  superior and Right and those cast as wrong? I find it is difficult to dismiss the feeling that the recent increases  reports of crimes of  Xenophobic ,Homophobic and prejudice are linked to the political success of a mixed voice of dissention considering itself to be legitimized.The flip side is responsibilty for your actions,and understanding how you affect others. I was pleased to see the short programme about Jan Morris , who I remember seeing for the first time  in the early 70s [when I was about 10]confronting a very sceptical television Panel  sitting in Judgement almost on Trial,including the late Robin Day about her "Sex Change".This was a revelation to me at the time, and I was just so struck , Jan is the kind of person I relate to and I felt a linkage , not to any of the others on the programme representing the norm and the majority .They Actually showed the same  archival footage as part the Michael Palin programme.well Worth seeing.     So toward the end of the programme Michael Palin  very informally inquired , "..so your 90 whats the secret , what do you want to say."  Jan showed the gravestone which declared her life long Partner as friends, and articulated the idea that kindness was a better guide than love.
    Oct 11, 2016 403
  • 05 Oct 2016
    Where I ever concocted the naive and simplistic idea that those Trans people who end up attracted to the opposite and their birth sex must be Bisexual, I have no idea. I married again, after the death of my first wife; and, the relationship was as good as it gets until my obligation to Transition clicked in.   One of the other two girls on our South Coast break, a fortnight ago, became sufficiently unwell to be considered for hospital admission from Casualty. We arrived with her 'things' and plans regarding disposal of her car her car.   In Casualty, we were allowed in behind the curtains to sit and to talk with her. Swiftly shood out by the nurse, prior to the return of the doctor with her blood results; we stood in the corridor as a god-like adonis passed by. Open-mouthed we both simply swooned. The nurses called us back in: she was to be discharged, with a prescription, as the blood tests were satisfactory, she informed us.   Her next remark concerned her 'falling in love with the doctor': you should have seen him, she stated! We informed her that we both had done so, and we were also in love. Her reply: "I saw him first, so he's mine!'   After nearly two years on hormones, I have started to notice attractive men: I would have put money on that "Never, ever happening" to me.
  • Where I ever concocted the naive and simplistic idea that those Trans people who end up attracted to the opposite and their birth sex must be Bisexual, I have no idea. I married again, after the death of my first wife; and, the relationship was as good as it gets until my obligation to Transition clicked in.   One of the other two girls on our South Coast break, a fortnight ago, became sufficiently unwell to be considered for hospital admission from Casualty. We arrived with her 'things' and plans regarding disposal of her car her car.   In Casualty, we were allowed in behind the curtains to sit and to talk with her. Swiftly shood out by the nurse, prior to the return of the doctor with her blood results; we stood in the corridor as a god-like adonis passed by. Open-mouthed we both simply swooned. The nurses called us back in: she was to be discharged, with a prescription, as the blood tests were satisfactory, she informed us.   Her next remark concerned her 'falling in love with the doctor': you should have seen him, she stated! We informed her that we both had done so, and we were also in love. Her reply: "I saw him first, so he's mine!'   After nearly two years on hormones, I have started to notice attractive men: I would have put money on that "Never, ever happening" to me.
    Oct 05, 2016 1192
  • 23 Sep 2016
    Sex
    Did the headline catch your attention? Good, it was supposed to. This entry is going to be about the evolution of my sexuality since beginning my transion. This one won't be as raunchy as the last time I wrote about my blooming sexuality, but I can't promise it will be completely PG. I'll try to keep it at least PG13. In my old life I identified as a straight male. I never once even considered the idea of being with a guy because I never found any attractive. I often fantasized about being the receiver but I never imagined it would be with a male. When I entertained the day dream of being ****** I always imagined a woman with a strap on. I didn't think I was gay for this, I just thought it was a kink. I have several kinks, some stranger than others, but I will not talk about them here. If you are truely interested in that, search Devi_Disaster on Fetlife. Things went on this way for years, typical boy - girl hetero sex with some occasional bdsm to keep things interesting. A couple years before coming out as a transgirl I began questioning my gender and sexuality. During this time I didn't date much and wasn't really looking for a relationship. I've never really been a fan of one-night-stands and I was so sick of failed relationships with crazy women that it was easier on my sanity to just be single until someone very very special came along. One of the very few encounters I had durring this time was with a friend of mine who was a beautiful trans Chica. Though she is of Mexican decent I call her Chica as more of a pet name than a slur. Since meeting her she facinated me, what I admired most about her was her courage to live her life her own way. She didn't desire to be on hormones or have any surgeries, she didn't care if she passed, she was a true case of a fully female brain in a male body. In her own words, she was already pretty and already confident in her femininity, she didn't need anything artificial to confirm these things. As a side note, I expect she was a case of XXY chromosomes, for never being on hormones she was very feminine, nice figure, pretty face, smaller than average penis. I think she was simply born with a body that produced an excess of estrogen. Anyway, meeting her kind of opened my eyes to a confidence and courage I lacked. This realization made me even more confused. It was always my deep dark secret that I wished to be a girl, but I thought it could never be. I didn't realize I AM a girl until after a bout of deep depression and denial of my inner femme. Durring this period of denial and depression I got back in touch with one of my exs. My first girlfriend, first love, first kiss, first date, first sexual experience, first everything when I was 14. We kinda stayed in touch over the years through the Internet but when I was in my denial we started sleeping together again. She bloomed into a very gorgeous woman since we split as kids, a true bomb shell now. I thought sleeping with her would help solidify my manhood but it didn't, it only made me realize I couldn't keep my deep dark secret in anymore. Boy - girl sex just wasn't fun anymore if I had to be the boy. Shortly after my fling with her I came out as trans and started my transition. This gave me a reset for all of my likes, dislikes, turn ons, turn offs and everything else. I used my transition as an opportunity to reprogram everything about myself I didn't like, but it didn't happen overnight. After coming out I went without sex for over a year, by my own choice. I didn't want to get into a relationship or date or even have a casual encounter until I was sure of what I liked. Over the course of that year something strange happened, I started to be attracted to boys! I met a ton of people, some of them transgirls, some of them gender fluid or gender queer, some drag queens and some androgenous girly boys. I realized that what's in the pants didn't really concern me. I think part of the reason for this was that I was trying my hardest to assert that I am a woman!, despite my current genitals. So if I want the world to see me as no different than any other girl just because I still have a penis, then I should see other girls like me as being no different than any other girl. I started to find personalities more attractive than faces and bodies. My attractions were starting to be more genuine than simple lust. I began to realize that I had many options for potential partners but I still wasn't quite sure what to label my orientation yet. I went through phases of feeling strictly lesbian, feeling pansexual, feeling bisexual with no preference and feeling bisexual with a preference. For a few very dark weeks I even felt like a straight guy again. (Last Christmas was very depressing for me and I had a full relapse into who I used to be, I might write about that another time but let's just say with the state of mind I was in I definately was not myself). Anyway, fast forward again to last February. I was out clubbing one night at my favorite local goth night when I met a person named Pandora. I didn't think much of her at the time because we didn't talk much the night we met. I couldn't tell what her gender was but I knew she was pretty. I kinda wrote her off as just another club goer that I might or might not run into again, until the next day when she found me online. She told me how much she wanted to get to know me but was too shy for her own good. We started chating and it turns out she was another transgender girl like myself who was barley out of the closet. Like me she went through her phase of being a closet cross dresser and never really left the house en femme until that night I met her. We texted, chatted, called and skyped each other every day until we decided to go on a formal date. Before that date I already knew she was special. Funny enough our first date was at a singles event the night club hosts in the middle of February called The Broken Hearts Ball. If you show up single or stage an amusing break up at the door you get in free. Anyway, we had a great time! We drank and we danced, we talked, we went for a stroll around downtown, I even took her to a secluded stair way in a parking garage where I got on my knees and lifted her skirt and well I think you can tell where this is going. Sucking dick in an alley or a parking garage or something was another one of my kinky fantasies. Am I ashamed? Not at all. Am I a dirty freak, absolutely. Pandora and I have been together for 7 or 8 months now, she moved in with me about 4 or 5 months ago and I've never been happier. She has the purest heart and the kindest soul of anyone I've ever met. She makes me feel so girly, so femme, so right, and so happy. I laugh with her more than I've ever laughed with anyone else and I've learned so much about myself I didn't know. Early on in our relationship I gave her my virginity and I loved it! Well, by virginity I mean I bottomed for her for the first time. My first virginity was the boy - girl kind when I was the boy, my second virginity was being the girl and receiving it. My third and final virginity I can't give up until I have my vagina installed. These days I don't have much interest in topping. It doesn't make me feel like a woman and I don't get off that way anymore. An anal orgasm feels soooo much better and much more like a female orgasm than ejaculating. So what is my orientation now? I consider myself a bisexual woman. I'm attracted to femininity and feminine people. I prefer cis women and trans woman but occasionally find myself swooning over pretty androgenous boys. I still top once in a while but would much rather bottom. I no longer enjoy ejaculating and would much rather be ejaculated in. I'm happier now with my relationship and sex life than I've ever been with anyone else and if I would have known how good sex could be I would have been doing it differently all along. If this post was TMI, well, I'm surprised you've read it this far. I write these things for me because it's therapeutic for me and I hope it somehow helps someone come to terms with any similar issues they might be having. I hope some of you have enjoyed reading this. .... Ps. I named the bear Suzy.
    564 Posted by Devi Strigoica
  • Sex
    Did the headline catch your attention? Good, it was supposed to. This entry is going to be about the evolution of my sexuality since beginning my transion. This one won't be as raunchy as the last time I wrote about my blooming sexuality, but I can't promise it will be completely PG. I'll try to keep it at least PG13. In my old life I identified as a straight male. I never once even considered the idea of being with a guy because I never found any attractive. I often fantasized about being the receiver but I never imagined it would be with a male. When I entertained the day dream of being ****** I always imagined a woman with a strap on. I didn't think I was gay for this, I just thought it was a kink. I have several kinks, some stranger than others, but I will not talk about them here. If you are truely interested in that, search Devi_Disaster on Fetlife. Things went on this way for years, typical boy - girl hetero sex with some occasional bdsm to keep things interesting. A couple years before coming out as a transgirl I began questioning my gender and sexuality. During this time I didn't date much and wasn't really looking for a relationship. I've never really been a fan of one-night-stands and I was so sick of failed relationships with crazy women that it was easier on my sanity to just be single until someone very very special came along. One of the very few encounters I had durring this time was with a friend of mine who was a beautiful trans Chica. Though she is of Mexican decent I call her Chica as more of a pet name than a slur. Since meeting her she facinated me, what I admired most about her was her courage to live her life her own way. She didn't desire to be on hormones or have any surgeries, she didn't care if she passed, she was a true case of a fully female brain in a male body. In her own words, she was already pretty and already confident in her femininity, she didn't need anything artificial to confirm these things. As a side note, I expect she was a case of XXY chromosomes, for never being on hormones she was very feminine, nice figure, pretty face, smaller than average penis. I think she was simply born with a body that produced an excess of estrogen. Anyway, meeting her kind of opened my eyes to a confidence and courage I lacked. This realization made me even more confused. It was always my deep dark secret that I wished to be a girl, but I thought it could never be. I didn't realize I AM a girl until after a bout of deep depression and denial of my inner femme. Durring this period of denial and depression I got back in touch with one of my exs. My first girlfriend, first love, first kiss, first date, first sexual experience, first everything when I was 14. We kinda stayed in touch over the years through the Internet but when I was in my denial we started sleeping together again. She bloomed into a very gorgeous woman since we split as kids, a true bomb shell now. I thought sleeping with her would help solidify my manhood but it didn't, it only made me realize I couldn't keep my deep dark secret in anymore. Boy - girl sex just wasn't fun anymore if I had to be the boy. Shortly after my fling with her I came out as trans and started my transition. This gave me a reset for all of my likes, dislikes, turn ons, turn offs and everything else. I used my transition as an opportunity to reprogram everything about myself I didn't like, but it didn't happen overnight. After coming out I went without sex for over a year, by my own choice. I didn't want to get into a relationship or date or even have a casual encounter until I was sure of what I liked. Over the course of that year something strange happened, I started to be attracted to boys! I met a ton of people, some of them transgirls, some of them gender fluid or gender queer, some drag queens and some androgenous girly boys. I realized that what's in the pants didn't really concern me. I think part of the reason for this was that I was trying my hardest to assert that I am a woman!, despite my current genitals. So if I want the world to see me as no different than any other girl just because I still have a penis, then I should see other girls like me as being no different than any other girl. I started to find personalities more attractive than faces and bodies. My attractions were starting to be more genuine than simple lust. I began to realize that I had many options for potential partners but I still wasn't quite sure what to label my orientation yet. I went through phases of feeling strictly lesbian, feeling pansexual, feeling bisexual with no preference and feeling bisexual with a preference. For a few very dark weeks I even felt like a straight guy again. (Last Christmas was very depressing for me and I had a full relapse into who I used to be, I might write about that another time but let's just say with the state of mind I was in I definately was not myself). Anyway, fast forward again to last February. I was out clubbing one night at my favorite local goth night when I met a person named Pandora. I didn't think much of her at the time because we didn't talk much the night we met. I couldn't tell what her gender was but I knew she was pretty. I kinda wrote her off as just another club goer that I might or might not run into again, until the next day when she found me online. She told me how much she wanted to get to know me but was too shy for her own good. We started chating and it turns out she was another transgender girl like myself who was barley out of the closet. Like me she went through her phase of being a closet cross dresser and never really left the house en femme until that night I met her. We texted, chatted, called and skyped each other every day until we decided to go on a formal date. Before that date I already knew she was special. Funny enough our first date was at a singles event the night club hosts in the middle of February called The Broken Hearts Ball. If you show up single or stage an amusing break up at the door you get in free. Anyway, we had a great time! We drank and we danced, we talked, we went for a stroll around downtown, I even took her to a secluded stair way in a parking garage where I got on my knees and lifted her skirt and well I think you can tell where this is going. Sucking dick in an alley or a parking garage or something was another one of my kinky fantasies. Am I ashamed? Not at all. Am I a dirty freak, absolutely. Pandora and I have been together for 7 or 8 months now, she moved in with me about 4 or 5 months ago and I've never been happier. She has the purest heart and the kindest soul of anyone I've ever met. She makes me feel so girly, so femme, so right, and so happy. I laugh with her more than I've ever laughed with anyone else and I've learned so much about myself I didn't know. Early on in our relationship I gave her my virginity and I loved it! Well, by virginity I mean I bottomed for her for the first time. My first virginity was the boy - girl kind when I was the boy, my second virginity was being the girl and receiving it. My third and final virginity I can't give up until I have my vagina installed. These days I don't have much interest in topping. It doesn't make me feel like a woman and I don't get off that way anymore. An anal orgasm feels soooo much better and much more like a female orgasm than ejaculating. So what is my orientation now? I consider myself a bisexual woman. I'm attracted to femininity and feminine people. I prefer cis women and trans woman but occasionally find myself swooning over pretty androgenous boys. I still top once in a while but would much rather bottom. I no longer enjoy ejaculating and would much rather be ejaculated in. I'm happier now with my relationship and sex life than I've ever been with anyone else and if I would have known how good sex could be I would have been doing it differently all along. If this post was TMI, well, I'm surprised you've read it this far. I write these things for me because it's therapeutic for me and I hope it somehow helps someone come to terms with any similar issues they might be having. I hope some of you have enjoyed reading this. .... Ps. I named the bear Suzy.
    Sep 23, 2016 564