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  • 31 Jul 2016
    Christine Shye points out that the rapidly increasing death-rate of the remnants of the Behaviorist School of Psychiatrists, who took as the basis of their shaky 'discipline' the theories of Freud & Co, may assist the repatriation of Gender Dissonance with the Wider Medical profession; and, hopefully, gradually the General Public, also. As a Psycho-pathological Sexual Deviant of three and a half years of age, I reported my gender marker to my wealthy Grand-mother and maternal aunt. When this fad had persisted to four years of age, they indulged me with a girlie bedroon, girls dresses, frilly socks, a pram and dolly, and allowed me to grow my hair. i can actually remember being the happiest of so-called lonely farm children, living in my own make-belief world with dolly and the pet farm animals.   All idyllic happiness came to an end, at six, when I went to school. It thankfully returned two or three years ago, when I joied two Gender Groups, the Gender Society and the Beaumont Society; and, came out in Public as a woman, full-time.   I have never been, am not now, nor will ever in the future be a male politician: so, how on earth can I be ever labelled as a Psychotic Sexual Deviant!   Those male individuals, who without exception had middle-european surnames, who wrote the Pyychiatry books on the shelves of the medical section of Cambridge University Library when I was virtually the only student who used to study there (bar one girl) have a lot to answer for: both in my locking myself in solitary confinement for a life-time sentence after I had read their mis-directed garbage, and for the resulting policy of "Sectioning under the Mental Health Act for 28 days', (remember the film the "Danish Girl") then transfer to an appropriate secure Mental Asylum for a minimum two year period to enable forced twice-weekly Electro-convulsive Therapy under Sodium Pentothal injections. April Ashley suffered this Pathway after her attempted suicide; and funding for free ECT 'treatment' for trans-sexuals was only withdrawn by the UK's West  Midlands Strategic Health Authority (or successor) in the autumn of 2003; a few months before the Gender Recognition Act came into being!!!
  • Christine Shye points out that the rapidly increasing death-rate of the remnants of the Behaviorist School of Psychiatrists, who took as the basis of their shaky 'discipline' the theories of Freud & Co, may assist the repatriation of Gender Dissonance with the Wider Medical profession; and, hopefully, gradually the General Public, also. As a Psycho-pathological Sexual Deviant of three and a half years of age, I reported my gender marker to my wealthy Grand-mother and maternal aunt. When this fad had persisted to four years of age, they indulged me with a girlie bedroon, girls dresses, frilly socks, a pram and dolly, and allowed me to grow my hair. i can actually remember being the happiest of so-called lonely farm children, living in my own make-belief world with dolly and the pet farm animals.   All idyllic happiness came to an end, at six, when I went to school. It thankfully returned two or three years ago, when I joied two Gender Groups, the Gender Society and the Beaumont Society; and, came out in Public as a woman, full-time.   I have never been, am not now, nor will ever in the future be a male politician: so, how on earth can I be ever labelled as a Psychotic Sexual Deviant!   Those male individuals, who without exception had middle-european surnames, who wrote the Pyychiatry books on the shelves of the medical section of Cambridge University Library when I was virtually the only student who used to study there (bar one girl) have a lot to answer for: both in my locking myself in solitary confinement for a life-time sentence after I had read their mis-directed garbage, and for the resulting policy of "Sectioning under the Mental Health Act for 28 days', (remember the film the "Danish Girl") then transfer to an appropriate secure Mental Asylum for a minimum two year period to enable forced twice-weekly Electro-convulsive Therapy under Sodium Pentothal injections. April Ashley suffered this Pathway after her attempted suicide; and funding for free ECT 'treatment' for trans-sexuals was only withdrawn by the UK's West  Midlands Strategic Health Authority (or successor) in the autumn of 2003; a few months before the Gender Recognition Act came into being!!!
    Jul 31, 2016 704
  • 30 Jul 2016
    This week, one of our members, Kristelle Watkins, launched her new Youtube channel. I strongly urge you to take a look - the first of her videos can be found here:   When I first joined the Gender Society (or Trannyweb as it was then), one of our members, Marsha, strongly expressed her opinion that everyone in our community had a responsibility to be out and visible, because that was the only way that transphobia in the general population could be overcome. I didn't fully agree with this then, arguing that education and social policy were the key drivers to acceptance. We had some spirited debate on the subject, before agreeing to disagree.   I miss Marsha.   Anyway, in the years since then I've come to agree that visibility has a greater effect on how trans people are accepted, and this was reinforced by a study published earlier this year. The researchers found that transphobic prejudice could be significantly reduced by interviews in which cisgender people were invited to find experiences which they had in common with transgender people. The reduction in prejudice was long-lasting, and was even more effective when the person carrying out the interview was trans. You can read more about the study here:   In the light of this realization, I try to interact with people wherever I can to bring them into contact with a real, live transperson, and these interactions have been overwhelmingly positive. I'm out at work, and the hundred or so people in my office have all been supportive and accepting. I've delivered presentations to senior managers throughout my organisation, and once again the feedback has been nothing but positive. However, in all I may have spoken with three or four hundred people. Add in the general population of my home town, and I may have had the opportunity to represent an authentic, transgender life to a thousand or so people.   Which brings me back to Kristelle's channel. Social media have found their way into every aspect of modern life, to the point where many people no longer differentiate between people they 'know' from Facebook and the people they know from work. There's a transwoman named Danni Munro who posts videos to Youtube which are viewed by five thousand or more people. Another trans channel, hosted by a transwoman named Maya, has viewing numbers close to three million. That's three million people who have chosen to hear what an openly transgender person has to say about her life and experiences.   I'm now firmly of the opinion that social media will be where trans acceptance finally makes the progress that we've seen in the arena of sexual orientation. We all have our part to play in letting the people around us see that we all have much more in common than we have differences, but it'll be the media-savvy young people with their fearless and authentic communications that will deliver the cultural paradigm shift that's so long overdue.   So to Kristelle I say"You go, girl, and my sincere thanks for what you're doing for our community". To everyone else, "Watch, subscribe and like. The future starts here".   Hugs to all,   Judith xx  
    570 Posted by Judith Harmon
  • This week, one of our members, Kristelle Watkins, launched her new Youtube channel. I strongly urge you to take a look - the first of her videos can be found here:   When I first joined the Gender Society (or Trannyweb as it was then), one of our members, Marsha, strongly expressed her opinion that everyone in our community had a responsibility to be out and visible, because that was the only way that transphobia in the general population could be overcome. I didn't fully agree with this then, arguing that education and social policy were the key drivers to acceptance. We had some spirited debate on the subject, before agreeing to disagree.   I miss Marsha.   Anyway, in the years since then I've come to agree that visibility has a greater effect on how trans people are accepted, and this was reinforced by a study published earlier this year. The researchers found that transphobic prejudice could be significantly reduced by interviews in which cisgender people were invited to find experiences which they had in common with transgender people. The reduction in prejudice was long-lasting, and was even more effective when the person carrying out the interview was trans. You can read more about the study here:   In the light of this realization, I try to interact with people wherever I can to bring them into contact with a real, live transperson, and these interactions have been overwhelmingly positive. I'm out at work, and the hundred or so people in my office have all been supportive and accepting. I've delivered presentations to senior managers throughout my organisation, and once again the feedback has been nothing but positive. However, in all I may have spoken with three or four hundred people. Add in the general population of my home town, and I may have had the opportunity to represent an authentic, transgender life to a thousand or so people.   Which brings me back to Kristelle's channel. Social media have found their way into every aspect of modern life, to the point where many people no longer differentiate between people they 'know' from Facebook and the people they know from work. There's a transwoman named Danni Munro who posts videos to Youtube which are viewed by five thousand or more people. Another trans channel, hosted by a transwoman named Maya, has viewing numbers close to three million. That's three million people who have chosen to hear what an openly transgender person has to say about her life and experiences.   I'm now firmly of the opinion that social media will be where trans acceptance finally makes the progress that we've seen in the arena of sexual orientation. We all have our part to play in letting the people around us see that we all have much more in common than we have differences, but it'll be the media-savvy young people with their fearless and authentic communications that will deliver the cultural paradigm shift that's so long overdue.   So to Kristelle I say"You go, girl, and my sincere thanks for what you're doing for our community". To everyone else, "Watch, subscribe and like. The future starts here".   Hugs to all,   Judith xx  
    Jul 30, 2016 570
  • 30 Jul 2016
    Now that you have, finally and with enormous relief, achieved a place in the GIClinic, found that you are totally supported in your given pathway, and have been pleasantly surprised at the lack of recriminations over self-administration, then the hard work starts. I have previously outlined the 'History' details, usually required in the GIC, for documentation purposes.   EXAMINATION   Blood Pressure: Height; Weight. Breasts: Testes and chest   Blood tests, undertaken and reviewed: SHBG, Testosterone, Prolactin, LH, FSH Liver Function, Cholesterol, HDL, total to HDL ratio, PSA   ASSESSMENT: the Endocrinologist will undertake to continue your oestrogen therapy, if he/she concurs with a Psychiatric opinion of male to female transsexualism. The plan is to dose titrate the Progynova or Climaval ( Oestradiol Valerate 2mgms ), or similar, until you hit the tardet range of 400 to 600 pmol/L. When on 4mgms, if you have not supressed your testosterone into the female rsnge of>3, then they will consider for a GnRH use in the form of Decapeptyl 11.25mgs.
  • Now that you have, finally and with enormous relief, achieved a place in the GIClinic, found that you are totally supported in your given pathway, and have been pleasantly surprised at the lack of recriminations over self-administration, then the hard work starts. I have previously outlined the 'History' details, usually required in the GIC, for documentation purposes.   EXAMINATION   Blood Pressure: Height; Weight. Breasts: Testes and chest   Blood tests, undertaken and reviewed: SHBG, Testosterone, Prolactin, LH, FSH Liver Function, Cholesterol, HDL, total to HDL ratio, PSA   ASSESSMENT: the Endocrinologist will undertake to continue your oestrogen therapy, if he/she concurs with a Psychiatric opinion of male to female transsexualism. The plan is to dose titrate the Progynova or Climaval ( Oestradiol Valerate 2mgms ), or similar, until you hit the tardet range of 400 to 600 pmol/L. When on 4mgms, if you have not supressed your testosterone into the female rsnge of>3, then they will consider for a GnRH use in the form of Decapeptyl 11.25mgs.
    Jul 30, 2016 730
  • 29 Jul 2016
    At last, the long-awaited appointment day has arrived. Arter owning up to self-administration, and discovering there are no recriminations, it is down to further interview and then to ongoing care.   Questions: Were you a normal pregnancy? Approximate age of puberty? Was there any gynaecomastia? As an adult: reduced facial and/or body hair? Erectile function, normal? Genitalia normal? Children? If not, out of choice?   History: Past Medical History, in detail Allergic History? Social History: Tobacco, Alcohol and occupation Family History Dating of Gender Dissonance and details Schooling and friends Traumas of Dissonance Presentation in Public and work-place. Support in these environments Legal name change Downsides of transition   Psychiatric History: GP's report History of deliberate self-harm, suicide attempts or eating disorder   Forensic History   Substance abuse   Social History Housing and finance Friends Fertility Relationships (family) Objects of sexual desire Future Transition plans. Marriage hostory   Treatment, under supervision - to follow.
  • At last, the long-awaited appointment day has arrived. Arter owning up to self-administration, and discovering there are no recriminations, it is down to further interview and then to ongoing care.   Questions: Were you a normal pregnancy? Approximate age of puberty? Was there any gynaecomastia? As an adult: reduced facial and/or body hair? Erectile function, normal? Genitalia normal? Children? If not, out of choice?   History: Past Medical History, in detail Allergic History? Social History: Tobacco, Alcohol and occupation Family History Dating of Gender Dissonance and details Schooling and friends Traumas of Dissonance Presentation in Public and work-place. Support in these environments Legal name change Downsides of transition   Psychiatric History: GP's report History of deliberate self-harm, suicide attempts or eating disorder   Forensic History   Substance abuse   Social History Housing and finance Friends Fertility Relationships (family) Objects of sexual desire Future Transition plans. Marriage hostory   Treatment, under supervision - to follow.
    Jul 29, 2016 728
  • 28 Jul 2016
    Self administration of oestrogens   As promised, in my recent initial lblog recommending only to commence medication under Medical Supervision/ Monitoring. In the event of a decision to by-pass the unacceptably long wait for an initial appointment in the Gender Identity Clinic (2-3 years as opposed to the Governments insistence that there be no more than 18 weeks wait), girls may, understandably, feel pressurised, and to see no alternative but to order Oestrogens via the internet; and, to commence then their own medication, unsupervised. Internet:   there is no guarantee of quality or dosage control, nor that the drug is in reality as claimed.   Vehicle, Preparation and side effects:   Oral (tablets); Skin(absorption) as patches or gel; sub-dermal implants require local anaesthesia, and are consequently not available. Preparation: Blood pressure check is vital: no therapy should commence until it is stable and fully controlled.  History: self administration should be with-held in the presence of a history of Cerebro-vascular accident (stroke): 'blood clots': Liver disorders: heart disease. Side effects: In the presence of such problems (Fluid retention, Depression, Headaches, leg-cramps, sore breasts, indegestion. bloating, etc) one can a) switch to an alternative form of Oestrogen b)change the dose c) tail off (Not suddenly stop) medication d) seek medical advice. relief may be achieved by taking oral therapy with food. Breast tenderness can be eased by a low fat, high carbs diet. Exercise/stretching can reduce leg cramps. INSURMOUNTABLE OBJECTIONS: 1) Obligatory, initial, medical history and examination is absent. A repeat examination at 6 months is also absent. 2) No baseline serological tests have been taken (essential for performance monitoring) 3) dose titration, adjusted by repeat sex hormone analysis after 8 weeks of initial treatment, is unavailable. 4) Oestroden and Testosterone Levels: targeting is absent, as an essential base for titration management, dose adjustment and potential additional medication. 5) no regular assessment of Liver Function Tests (oral therapy's serious risk factor) is undertaken, either prior to of during therapy.   COMMENT: Desperation (particularly for Orthopaedic proceedures) occurs in the UK, as a result of inadequate funding across all sectors of the NHS. However, the same NHS have always maintained a particularly high level of denial and chronic under-funding with regard to Gender Services. Their forward planning is in respect of less than 1% of the population with Trans status. Epidemiological studies (ignored or repudiated) indicate it is more like 2.75%! This, unacceptable situation is compounded by staffing difficulties with respect to Doctors with the necessary training (blame the EU for the lost 3000 hours of training per doctor); and, I have found presonally as a Professor of Surgery, a most surprising and worrying level of Transphobia in a Nursing Profession, otherwise dedicated to the general well-being of patients - hence another source of difficulty in attracting quality staff to the service.   DISCLAIMER:   I make absolutely no criticism of those of my community who follow the above route: "presonal choice" is enshrined in the modern NHS, and has always been the keystone of my professional life. I merely wish to make my sisters aware of all the risks, before they make their own personal INFORMED decision.   PERSONAL VIEW (Conclusion): I would not drive  completely blindfolded ( in my old-fashioned non self-driving vehicle) up the motorway system from my grand child's home near Lausanne to see my other grandson in Zurich. So, why would I have any desire to do the same with my health and hormones? 
  • Self administration of oestrogens   As promised, in my recent initial lblog recommending only to commence medication under Medical Supervision/ Monitoring. In the event of a decision to by-pass the unacceptably long wait for an initial appointment in the Gender Identity Clinic (2-3 years as opposed to the Governments insistence that there be no more than 18 weeks wait), girls may, understandably, feel pressurised, and to see no alternative but to order Oestrogens via the internet; and, to commence then their own medication, unsupervised. Internet:   there is no guarantee of quality or dosage control, nor that the drug is in reality as claimed.   Vehicle, Preparation and side effects:   Oral (tablets); Skin(absorption) as patches or gel; sub-dermal implants require local anaesthesia, and are consequently not available. Preparation: Blood pressure check is vital: no therapy should commence until it is stable and fully controlled.  History: self administration should be with-held in the presence of a history of Cerebro-vascular accident (stroke): 'blood clots': Liver disorders: heart disease. Side effects: In the presence of such problems (Fluid retention, Depression, Headaches, leg-cramps, sore breasts, indegestion. bloating, etc) one can a) switch to an alternative form of Oestrogen b)change the dose c) tail off (Not suddenly stop) medication d) seek medical advice. relief may be achieved by taking oral therapy with food. Breast tenderness can be eased by a low fat, high carbs diet. Exercise/stretching can reduce leg cramps. INSURMOUNTABLE OBJECTIONS: 1) Obligatory, initial, medical history and examination is absent. A repeat examination at 6 months is also absent. 2) No baseline serological tests have been taken (essential for performance monitoring) 3) dose titration, adjusted by repeat sex hormone analysis after 8 weeks of initial treatment, is unavailable. 4) Oestroden and Testosterone Levels: targeting is absent, as an essential base for titration management, dose adjustment and potential additional medication. 5) no regular assessment of Liver Function Tests (oral therapy's serious risk factor) is undertaken, either prior to of during therapy.   COMMENT: Desperation (particularly for Orthopaedic proceedures) occurs in the UK, as a result of inadequate funding across all sectors of the NHS. However, the same NHS have always maintained a particularly high level of denial and chronic under-funding with regard to Gender Services. Their forward planning is in respect of less than 1% of the population with Trans status. Epidemiological studies (ignored or repudiated) indicate it is more like 2.75%! This, unacceptable situation is compounded by staffing difficulties with respect to Doctors with the necessary training (blame the EU for the lost 3000 hours of training per doctor); and, I have found presonally as a Professor of Surgery, a most surprising and worrying level of Transphobia in a Nursing Profession, otherwise dedicated to the general well-being of patients - hence another source of difficulty in attracting quality staff to the service.   DISCLAIMER:   I make absolutely no criticism of those of my community who follow the above route: "presonal choice" is enshrined in the modern NHS, and has always been the keystone of my professional life. I merely wish to make my sisters aware of all the risks, before they make their own personal INFORMED decision.   PERSONAL VIEW (Conclusion): I would not drive  completely blindfolded ( in my old-fashioned non self-driving vehicle) up the motorway system from my grand child's home near Lausanne to see my other grandson in Zurich. So, why would I have any desire to do the same with my health and hormones? 
    Jul 28, 2016 807
  • 26 Jul 2016
    How's everyone doing? I was just looking at pictures of people that got top surgery online and am wondering if it's really going to work for me... Anyone on here that got the surgery recommend it and completely satisfied with their results? I thought about chest binding, but I really wanted to just get rid of my breasts completely considering chest binding can be dangerous anyway. (I tend to be a paranoid person so I wonder if I went with chest binding, if I'd always worry about lumps). Problem is, I'm just not sure if I'll feel "real" enough with the top surgery after looking at the pics. Any advice/input is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
    726 Posted by Kris McKinley
  • How's everyone doing? I was just looking at pictures of people that got top surgery online and am wondering if it's really going to work for me... Anyone on here that got the surgery recommend it and completely satisfied with their results? I thought about chest binding, but I really wanted to just get rid of my breasts completely considering chest binding can be dangerous anyway. (I tend to be a paranoid person so I wonder if I went with chest binding, if I'd always worry about lumps). Problem is, I'm just not sure if I'll feel "real" enough with the top surgery after looking at the pics. Any advice/input is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
    Jul 26, 2016 726
  • 25 Jul 2016
    I have frequently been asked at our Group Sessions what is the best way to take self administers Hormones. the simple answer is "don't"!! Seek professional advice, from day one, through your General Medical Practitioner". The next remark I hear is that the Oestrogens have been supplied, via the internet, in the intervening period between GP referral to a designated Gender Identity Clinic and their first appointment. Exeter is presently over 9 months wait for an initial appointment; and, most of the rest, one to three years. Newcastle, for non-locals is an unbelievable twelve and a half years! No surprise that Transgender individuals are not prepared to wait.   My Medical qualificaions include full postgraduate training in Endocrinology, prior to my inevitable move into a surgical career: Plastic and then Ophthalmic-Plastic Surgery in the UK. I retired earlier this year as an University Professor. I propose, in a cocidil to this blog, to elaborate on the problems of treatment and dose adjustment in the clinical arena; as an illustration of the impossibility of achieving and sustaining any semblance of satisfactory progression via self-administration.
  • I have frequently been asked at our Group Sessions what is the best way to take self administers Hormones. the simple answer is "don't"!! Seek professional advice, from day one, through your General Medical Practitioner". The next remark I hear is that the Oestrogens have been supplied, via the internet, in the intervening period between GP referral to a designated Gender Identity Clinic and their first appointment. Exeter is presently over 9 months wait for an initial appointment; and, most of the rest, one to three years. Newcastle, for non-locals is an unbelievable twelve and a half years! No surprise that Transgender individuals are not prepared to wait.   My Medical qualificaions include full postgraduate training in Endocrinology, prior to my inevitable move into a surgical career: Plastic and then Ophthalmic-Plastic Surgery in the UK. I retired earlier this year as an University Professor. I propose, in a cocidil to this blog, to elaborate on the problems of treatment and dose adjustment in the clinical arena; as an illustration of the impossibility of achieving and sustaining any semblance of satisfactory progression via self-administration.
    Jul 25, 2016 668
  • 25 Jul 2016
    So I'm on my phone... Forgive me if there are weird typos... I just wanted to reach out to you lovely girls and let you know that it's never too late to be yourself. There's no need to be ashamed of being transgender. We have existed since the very beginning. Being Trans, a cross dresser, fem boy, Trans guy whatever is nothing new. We are here to stay and we are going to look good doing it too ;) My inbox is open to anyone and everyone here and I'll do the best I can go help you, because it helps me :) Last but not least, to the true allies, congratulate yourself for your humanity, open mindedness, and compassion. We love you! -Kira <3
    539 Posted by Kira B
  • By Kira B
    So I'm on my phone... Forgive me if there are weird typos... I just wanted to reach out to you lovely girls and let you know that it's never too late to be yourself. There's no need to be ashamed of being transgender. We have existed since the very beginning. Being Trans, a cross dresser, fem boy, Trans guy whatever is nothing new. We are here to stay and we are going to look good doing it too ;) My inbox is open to anyone and everyone here and I'll do the best I can go help you, because it helps me :) Last but not least, to the true allies, congratulate yourself for your humanity, open mindedness, and compassion. We love you! -Kira <3
    Jul 25, 2016 539
  • 24 Jul 2016
    Wow... So looking back at my two previous posts I see I have come a long way (in most regards) since I first found this site (and abandoned it) a year ago. I have gained a lot of maturity and wisdom toward my transition. I've also gotten much better with my make up haha... That picture on my second post though...ugh... I don't know which is worst, the title of the blog post or the picture.   Anyway, I'm back (hopefully for good this time) and excited to try and help everyone breath life into this community. It has so much potential!   P.S. I dropped the name Laurel weeks after posting here the first two times. I decided on Kira in December of last year. So...   Love you guys!-Kira
    529 Posted by Kira B
  • By Kira B
    Wow... So looking back at my two previous posts I see I have come a long way (in most regards) since I first found this site (and abandoned it) a year ago. I have gained a lot of maturity and wisdom toward my transition. I've also gotten much better with my make up haha... That picture on my second post though...ugh... I don't know which is worst, the title of the blog post or the picture.   Anyway, I'm back (hopefully for good this time) and excited to try and help everyone breath life into this community. It has so much potential!   P.S. I dropped the name Laurel weeks after posting here the first two times. I decided on Kira in December of last year. So...   Love you guys!-Kira
    Jul 24, 2016 529
  • 19 Jul 2016
    Hello Ladies - Another entry in the ongoing jounral of Briana Q - ( I actually do this as a sort of diary I suppose ). It has been some time since the last entry - much seems the same, yet there are new things afoot. I find time and again how many threads of my past were always interwoven with being myself ( a transgender woman ) and how I ran from it and even outright denied it. Today and for the last several years since ( as I call it ) the bubble burst - I have come to see my true image and self as the woman I am.  A classic example comes from fiction writing I did many years ago from childhood on as a hobby. Two of the key characters turn out to be transgender mtf's hiding in plain sight ( even before I knew that there were transgender people or a term for it ). In writing about them I personally could feel the release, though I kept my personal feelings out of discussion with others who might look at my work. Intentially I even made one female cisgender character my doppleganger - height, weight, hair, eye color, et al - and I have always seen myself as her, but never would tell a soul. Even in the work on the chacters in reflection I realize I always embodied and looked through the eyes of the female characters and strongly identified with them and saw the males as those guys over there.  That whole identiy and identifying thing has been another one of those threads I realized I kept hidden from all others, and tried often to not think about. I have even found myself making face and hand gestures of tv anchorwomen for example, almost unconsciously. I recall being quite yound and watching Barbera Streisand in What's Up Doc with my grandmother - we had a blast - laughing all the time with it. The whole time, I kept wishing I were her ( hope she never reads such a comment - would not want to offend anyone ). Being that young - feelings like that disturbed me a bit. Though I have to admit when it comes to my grandma what was cool was the fact I was the only grandchild with a nickname and it was Heidi - after the Shirley Temple character of the same movie name - that was another great time. - Other things are : Who wouldn't want to be Samantha ( Elizabeth Montgomery ) on Bewitched? - This list is enormous and comes to the present as well - I love the movie Emilie - the moment I saw it, I quickly identified with her and saw myself as her - Audrey Tautoo ( probably misspelled ) as the title character - she is fun, light-hearted, smart, fresh, intelligent, and pretty.  These identy threads were quite common - there was the show Facts of Life about 4 girls at a boarding school and operating a store - I always wanted to be one of them - but I had better ideas than they had for the characters - they had no science/math girl - I wanted to be the geek girl of the group. -- I could go on and on with this ( one day I might ) but sufficient to say I had and have an active mental landscape.  The thread theme is definitely one of the mental images of myself, much akin to a tapestry ( an early and still onging view of myself is as an Irish lass in a gorgeous multi-shade of green dress ). Threads are time too and are both external and internal. It was clear early on to me I knew how I felt but could find no cause-and-effect reason why - that is, seeing myself as a girl. Now all this time later I realize that the external threads all carry the wavelength of my being in my life, my view of myself, as a girl which have been internal all along. Still we are a combination of mostly internal threads and some external ones as well that shape the tapestry of who we are.  As noted in prior blogs I am still on course, still very much balanced - very much in tune with myself and like myself a lot. I do have my dumpy days - envying every cisgender woman on earth - feeling way too fat - don't get me started on my looks ( face , nose, hands, freckles, fat, chin, the never ending list ), having no friends ( tehnically two only and neither can know as they both hate transgender people ) - having no job ( lost after losing a 5 year battle in both the state and federal courts where a corrupt set of people where I worked deliberately destroyed not only my job but my entire career and all prospects to ever work in that area again ) and a very bizarre life that is rather boxed in for many reasons - such as too many chronic illness issues that are a perpetual battle - etc. This along with always being the least pretty girl in the room, falling back two steps with each attempted step forward, etc - amazing I find a reason to smile each day - but there are reasons : 1) alive with reasonable health that I have the ability and rational to deal with, 2) some friends ( despite having no roads to communication or freedom to be me ), 3) finally finding, acknowledging, and accepting myself as a girl after decades of creating every imaginable barrier to those thoughts and feelings. Plus 4) I am a very good person at heart, who is creative and carring , and intelligent. Even with all of that I still stick to my motto of : Resolve, Solve, Evolve - along with being a optimistic realist by nature.  Beyond balance there is an interesting fact - never in my life have I been able to laugh at myself as well as never being balanced - despite being a reasonably positive person to be around. Now not only am I more positive as a whole since fully finding myself, as well as being balanced in myself as noted, but also being able to laugh at myself. I recall the first time more than 10 years ago being on ebay when looking for slide rules and inadvertantly typing in slide and hitting enter. Up came a number of entries, children's backyard slides and a host of 35 mm slides among them. But there it was women's shoes slides - I grinned from ear to ear, my heart beat fast, I felt I had opened a secret treasure chest. I quickly looked about, of course, the normal guilt and fear then crept in - which I always projected onto all others. Now today I can look back and smile, even laugh at my insecure and struggling self - and be okay with me. It is not only transgender moments but my whole self - knowing what I really know and being able to know what I do not know, fully like myself and laugh at myself when circumstances call for it.  I have published 4 books in one year on science and math activities and seem to occupy a special niche in reading since few experiment books give substantitive depth on detail, formulae, and the like whereas I do. Most are geared for the 'wow' science of observation whereas I have crafted work where measurement and analysis of measurement are the goals of the science quest. - Unfortunately I have to use my birth name in publishing ( though I think about a great photo on back with me in a great outfit someday ) but I consider it my nom de plume. - Also there are activities where some of me comes out ( and this is on the web site of the books too ) for example pictures of a pair of my cute tennis shoes, wedges, and heels ( red no less ) are in the book and I declare they are mine. On the web site there is one essay about my favorite slide rule, the pickett B1 in my real name Briana P*** even. As for going out - the frequency is low to me, but that is because I like to and am comfortable with it. The barriers in my life are all external, which is good. In 2016 I have been to the mall a couple of times, walking all about, visiting stores, stopping for a coffee and the lke - this was in the week of St Patricks Day in March. All outings have been quite good and I felt like myself and had a great deal of confidence and energy. Thus far in July I have been to several stores and even the bank making a deposit and looking smashing I might add. The teller on July 19th even asked me - which this is a first for me - what do I prefer in being called and referred to - I noted that the account has a name already ( one I am born with ) - she said that don't matter - so I told her 'Briana' - which she called me. I almost burst into tears ( I seem to have a problem with that from time to time with sensitive movies and the like ). Still a great day to hold near and dear to me. It was like the first time ( the Henry Ford museum trip ) when I asked someone to take my photo and the museum host, a woman at the Fuller house, did this and was quite nice - not to mention a gentleman opened the exit gate for me on leaving - I was startled but walked through and said thanks.  Today - 7/28 - Another great day out - went to the mall on a warm day in one of my favorite skirts - I call it 'my fiesta' - was complimented, spoken to often and I stopped and helped to other ladies setting a sign at a store. The manager says 'you people are so kind' - I took it very positively and recognize I not only represent me but all of us TG gals when out and it makes a difference - always be the best you are! hugs, Briana : ) On 8/I don't recall - A day at Meijer where I went in my white crinkle fabric with leaves and floral pattern skirt with a cute green top and bought some nail polish and lipstick - a fun vanity day out. : ) Another day on on 8/23 - a grand tour of the local mall. Wearing a great outift and the weather was perfect. A lot of window shopping and strolling through the indoor mall - a favorite of mine sinece childhood. Stopped for coffee at my regular coffee shop and had some homemade cookies with me too.  ( I have been to this mall repeatedly, in fact as noted above as an example ). Looked in a few stores at great items ( don't we all wish to be wealthy ) - even bought a couple of maxi skirts at jcpenny that I have been admiring on line for some time and were now on clearance ( hurray ). Sales associates were helpful and overall a super time and experience. BTW the skirts look great! : )  On 8/30 decided to wear one of the new skirts to the mall, do some window shopping, stop for coffee and have some of my homemade cookies. It is the purple one - also decided to wear my white wedge sandals with it - looking pretty and it was a very nice time. En route to the mall did some grocery shopping and stocked up on necessities ( shaving cream, nail polish romover, et al ) as well. All in all a great day! : ) Another new adventure on 9/23 - All in yellow - skirt and top - out to a major store ( Meijer ) and combed it all - needed some cosmetics, cat treats, and silk yogurt among my items so I was everywhere. Prices are aweful and one has to be the savy shopper. Also - I've definitely put on weight over the time and some of my clothes are a bit too tight ( ouch ) - yesterday wrestled my way into and out of several dresses that were good a couple years back, but that's not so good now - even today I put on 3 outfits to settle on the yellow sun look and still am disappointed in myself as fat. Need to work on that one. Overall a very good time, however despite personal criticism ( trust me that list is way too long ). Always with a smile, good thoughts, and a happy heart. : ) Another outing today : 10/26 - went to the grocery store and the bank. I wore a burgundy top with a long black skirt and black hose and basic black heels. I needed my black jacket as it is a bit cold, cloudy, and starting a light rain today. At the bank the teller I had some time back who asked me what I wanted to be called was walking by and said 'Hello Briana' - I quickly turned my head ( interesting to note is that I know who I am, I just never realized I know it so well ! ( wow )). This was a great highlight today. Out once again on 11/15 and in a new skirt recently purchased. A red and black plaid with a cute red top. Went to my usual place - the mall - several good walk arounds and store visits with a stop for a coffee and some brought along cookies. Being the time of year it is, Santa is now there and even waved and shouted 'hello' - makes a girl smile.  Updates from 2017 : Times out and about :  1/18 - Went to the mall in a nice red - scottish pattern skirt and did a walk about, had coffee and window shopped 2/17 - Went grocery shopping in the same red skirt noted prior ( it is great for colder weather ) - had booties on with hose 2/24 - Though a bit brisk, it seemed to be nearing Spring, so I decided to go to the grocery store in a green dress ( my oldest piece and the one I wore to the museum a few years back ) 3/1 - Went to the bank and a majore big store in a red skirt 3/14 - Grocery shopping in a cute pair of jeans, sweet booties, nice feminine top ( bra and all ) with a wonderful scarf 3/29 - Much more like Spring, so I went with  my new floral skirt, red top and red flats - went to the big store ( Meijer ) and the grocery store. I was even complimented by a passerby on the skirt. Shopping was for all sorts of items so I was all over the store in each case.    Makes me reflect on childhood and the fact I never liked guy references, such as boy / man / prince / handsome - yet always liked and wished to be referred to as a girl - woman - cute - pretty - and princess. Finally makes sense.  More to follow on this one - many new ideas and adventures as myself await.  Take Care Hugs, Briana : )  
    780 Posted by Briana Purcell
  • Hello Ladies - Another entry in the ongoing jounral of Briana Q - ( I actually do this as a sort of diary I suppose ). It has been some time since the last entry - much seems the same, yet there are new things afoot. I find time and again how many threads of my past were always interwoven with being myself ( a transgender woman ) and how I ran from it and even outright denied it. Today and for the last several years since ( as I call it ) the bubble burst - I have come to see my true image and self as the woman I am.  A classic example comes from fiction writing I did many years ago from childhood on as a hobby. Two of the key characters turn out to be transgender mtf's hiding in plain sight ( even before I knew that there were transgender people or a term for it ). In writing about them I personally could feel the release, though I kept my personal feelings out of discussion with others who might look at my work. Intentially I even made one female cisgender character my doppleganger - height, weight, hair, eye color, et al - and I have always seen myself as her, but never would tell a soul. Even in the work on the chacters in reflection I realize I always embodied and looked through the eyes of the female characters and strongly identified with them and saw the males as those guys over there.  That whole identiy and identifying thing has been another one of those threads I realized I kept hidden from all others, and tried often to not think about. I have even found myself making face and hand gestures of tv anchorwomen for example, almost unconsciously. I recall being quite yound and watching Barbera Streisand in What's Up Doc with my grandmother - we had a blast - laughing all the time with it. The whole time, I kept wishing I were her ( hope she never reads such a comment - would not want to offend anyone ). Being that young - feelings like that disturbed me a bit. Though I have to admit when it comes to my grandma what was cool was the fact I was the only grandchild with a nickname and it was Heidi - after the Shirley Temple character of the same movie name - that was another great time. - Other things are : Who wouldn't want to be Samantha ( Elizabeth Montgomery ) on Bewitched? - This list is enormous and comes to the present as well - I love the movie Emilie - the moment I saw it, I quickly identified with her and saw myself as her - Audrey Tautoo ( probably misspelled ) as the title character - she is fun, light-hearted, smart, fresh, intelligent, and pretty.  These identy threads were quite common - there was the show Facts of Life about 4 girls at a boarding school and operating a store - I always wanted to be one of them - but I had better ideas than they had for the characters - they had no science/math girl - I wanted to be the geek girl of the group. -- I could go on and on with this ( one day I might ) but sufficient to say I had and have an active mental landscape.  The thread theme is definitely one of the mental images of myself, much akin to a tapestry ( an early and still onging view of myself is as an Irish lass in a gorgeous multi-shade of green dress ). Threads are time too and are both external and internal. It was clear early on to me I knew how I felt but could find no cause-and-effect reason why - that is, seeing myself as a girl. Now all this time later I realize that the external threads all carry the wavelength of my being in my life, my view of myself, as a girl which have been internal all along. Still we are a combination of mostly internal threads and some external ones as well that shape the tapestry of who we are.  As noted in prior blogs I am still on course, still very much balanced - very much in tune with myself and like myself a lot. I do have my dumpy days - envying every cisgender woman on earth - feeling way too fat - don't get me started on my looks ( face , nose, hands, freckles, fat, chin, the never ending list ), having no friends ( tehnically two only and neither can know as they both hate transgender people ) - having no job ( lost after losing a 5 year battle in both the state and federal courts where a corrupt set of people where I worked deliberately destroyed not only my job but my entire career and all prospects to ever work in that area again ) and a very bizarre life that is rather boxed in for many reasons - such as too many chronic illness issues that are a perpetual battle - etc. This along with always being the least pretty girl in the room, falling back two steps with each attempted step forward, etc - amazing I find a reason to smile each day - but there are reasons : 1) alive with reasonable health that I have the ability and rational to deal with, 2) some friends ( despite having no roads to communication or freedom to be me ), 3) finally finding, acknowledging, and accepting myself as a girl after decades of creating every imaginable barrier to those thoughts and feelings. Plus 4) I am a very good person at heart, who is creative and carring , and intelligent. Even with all of that I still stick to my motto of : Resolve, Solve, Evolve - along with being a optimistic realist by nature.  Beyond balance there is an interesting fact - never in my life have I been able to laugh at myself as well as never being balanced - despite being a reasonably positive person to be around. Now not only am I more positive as a whole since fully finding myself, as well as being balanced in myself as noted, but also being able to laugh at myself. I recall the first time more than 10 years ago being on ebay when looking for slide rules and inadvertantly typing in slide and hitting enter. Up came a number of entries, children's backyard slides and a host of 35 mm slides among them. But there it was women's shoes slides - I grinned from ear to ear, my heart beat fast, I felt I had opened a secret treasure chest. I quickly looked about, of course, the normal guilt and fear then crept in - which I always projected onto all others. Now today I can look back and smile, even laugh at my insecure and struggling self - and be okay with me. It is not only transgender moments but my whole self - knowing what I really know and being able to know what I do not know, fully like myself and laugh at myself when circumstances call for it.  I have published 4 books in one year on science and math activities and seem to occupy a special niche in reading since few experiment books give substantitive depth on detail, formulae, and the like whereas I do. Most are geared for the 'wow' science of observation whereas I have crafted work where measurement and analysis of measurement are the goals of the science quest. - Unfortunately I have to use my birth name in publishing ( though I think about a great photo on back with me in a great outfit someday ) but I consider it my nom de plume. - Also there are activities where some of me comes out ( and this is on the web site of the books too ) for example pictures of a pair of my cute tennis shoes, wedges, and heels ( red no less ) are in the book and I declare they are mine. On the web site there is one essay about my favorite slide rule, the pickett B1 in my real name Briana P*** even. As for going out - the frequency is low to me, but that is because I like to and am comfortable with it. The barriers in my life are all external, which is good. In 2016 I have been to the mall a couple of times, walking all about, visiting stores, stopping for a coffee and the lke - this was in the week of St Patricks Day in March. All outings have been quite good and I felt like myself and had a great deal of confidence and energy. Thus far in July I have been to several stores and even the bank making a deposit and looking smashing I might add. The teller on July 19th even asked me - which this is a first for me - what do I prefer in being called and referred to - I noted that the account has a name already ( one I am born with ) - she said that don't matter - so I told her 'Briana' - which she called me. I almost burst into tears ( I seem to have a problem with that from time to time with sensitive movies and the like ). Still a great day to hold near and dear to me. It was like the first time ( the Henry Ford museum trip ) when I asked someone to take my photo and the museum host, a woman at the Fuller house, did this and was quite nice - not to mention a gentleman opened the exit gate for me on leaving - I was startled but walked through and said thanks.  Today - 7/28 - Another great day out - went to the mall on a warm day in one of my favorite skirts - I call it 'my fiesta' - was complimented, spoken to often and I stopped and helped to other ladies setting a sign at a store. The manager says 'you people are so kind' - I took it very positively and recognize I not only represent me but all of us TG gals when out and it makes a difference - always be the best you are! hugs, Briana : ) On 8/I don't recall - A day at Meijer where I went in my white crinkle fabric with leaves and floral pattern skirt with a cute green top and bought some nail polish and lipstick - a fun vanity day out. : ) Another day on on 8/23 - a grand tour of the local mall. Wearing a great outift and the weather was perfect. A lot of window shopping and strolling through the indoor mall - a favorite of mine sinece childhood. Stopped for coffee at my regular coffee shop and had some homemade cookies with me too.  ( I have been to this mall repeatedly, in fact as noted above as an example ). Looked in a few stores at great items ( don't we all wish to be wealthy ) - even bought a couple of maxi skirts at jcpenny that I have been admiring on line for some time and were now on clearance ( hurray ). Sales associates were helpful and overall a super time and experience. BTW the skirts look great! : )  On 8/30 decided to wear one of the new skirts to the mall, do some window shopping, stop for coffee and have some of my homemade cookies. It is the purple one - also decided to wear my white wedge sandals with it - looking pretty and it was a very nice time. En route to the mall did some grocery shopping and stocked up on necessities ( shaving cream, nail polish romover, et al ) as well. All in all a great day! : ) Another new adventure on 9/23 - All in yellow - skirt and top - out to a major store ( Meijer ) and combed it all - needed some cosmetics, cat treats, and silk yogurt among my items so I was everywhere. Prices are aweful and one has to be the savy shopper. Also - I've definitely put on weight over the time and some of my clothes are a bit too tight ( ouch ) - yesterday wrestled my way into and out of several dresses that were good a couple years back, but that's not so good now - even today I put on 3 outfits to settle on the yellow sun look and still am disappointed in myself as fat. Need to work on that one. Overall a very good time, however despite personal criticism ( trust me that list is way too long ). Always with a smile, good thoughts, and a happy heart. : ) Another outing today : 10/26 - went to the grocery store and the bank. I wore a burgundy top with a long black skirt and black hose and basic black heels. I needed my black jacket as it is a bit cold, cloudy, and starting a light rain today. At the bank the teller I had some time back who asked me what I wanted to be called was walking by and said 'Hello Briana' - I quickly turned my head ( interesting to note is that I know who I am, I just never realized I know it so well ! ( wow )). This was a great highlight today. Out once again on 11/15 and in a new skirt recently purchased. A red and black plaid with a cute red top. Went to my usual place - the mall - several good walk arounds and store visits with a stop for a coffee and some brought along cookies. Being the time of year it is, Santa is now there and even waved and shouted 'hello' - makes a girl smile.  Updates from 2017 : Times out and about :  1/18 - Went to the mall in a nice red - scottish pattern skirt and did a walk about, had coffee and window shopped 2/17 - Went grocery shopping in the same red skirt noted prior ( it is great for colder weather ) - had booties on with hose 2/24 - Though a bit brisk, it seemed to be nearing Spring, so I decided to go to the grocery store in a green dress ( my oldest piece and the one I wore to the museum a few years back ) 3/1 - Went to the bank and a majore big store in a red skirt 3/14 - Grocery shopping in a cute pair of jeans, sweet booties, nice feminine top ( bra and all ) with a wonderful scarf 3/29 - Much more like Spring, so I went with  my new floral skirt, red top and red flats - went to the big store ( Meijer ) and the grocery store. I was even complimented by a passerby on the skirt. Shopping was for all sorts of items so I was all over the store in each case.    Makes me reflect on childhood and the fact I never liked guy references, such as boy / man / prince / handsome - yet always liked and wished to be referred to as a girl - woman - cute - pretty - and princess. Finally makes sense.  More to follow on this one - many new ideas and adventures as myself await.  Take Care Hugs, Briana : )  
    Jul 19, 2016 780