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  • 02 Aug 2011
    I don't know what's happened these last few weeks. It's quite possibly been the best month of my life. When is it all going to come crashing down upon me? It surely can't keep up like this... My bezzie mate Gillian has been off work for 3 weeks, so we've spent a lot of time together as my band have also been off due to various members' holidays. But it all seemed to start while watching Glastonbury on the telly... I've been to Glastonbury two years in row, over 20 years ago, but I know what it's like; I understand the atmosphere, the vibe, man. It really is wonderful. So although it's no big deal watching it on the telly these days, it brings back how special it is, it touches a place in my heart, lets me feel the magic again. It's so huge now, in fact this was true even when I was there, that no-one can see everything that goes on, and the TV coverage doesn't even come close to the experience of actually being there. Even still, to see the big acts playing probably the best gig of their lives is really exciting for me, somehow I know, to a tiny extent, how special it is for them; I empathise, and I love it. I haven't seen a whole set from U2 since Live Aid, and that of course was only a short set. Bono apparently was a little reluctant to do Glastonbury, he shouldn't have worried, they might not all be U2 fans but the Glastonbury audience love the headliners, and U2 are actually quite famous. Their set was great. I've heard some people were critical; what the hell did they want? What did they expect? This was a lesson in rock and roll, this is how it's done. This was one of the biggest bands in the world playing to almost certainly the best audience in the world, and they did what they do with aplomb. The Edge has the best job in rock music, if I was a guitarist I'd like to be him. I'm not a massive U2 fan mind, I just think if you want to play rock and appeal to the masses then that's how to do it, and they do have some mega, smash hit, brilliant songs. So that was good. But the next night Coldplay were to headline... Now I do love Coldplay. Their song-writing is sublime. I was gigging this night though, so disappointed to be missing the set which was to be shown live on the BBC. We were doing a wedding in Kendal, practically round the corner from my house. I packed away quickly after the gig hoping to catch a few snippets of the day at Glastonbury as I took off my make-up, waiting for my ears to stop ringing. I couldn't believe my luck when I turned the telly on about 3 seconds into the repeat of the Coldplay set, the whole lot! Fireworks, lasers, oh so many lasers, and a new, unreleased song to open with, which grabbed me by the ears in a way that unknown songs rarely do. "Hurts like Heaven" - fast, energetic, melodic. These guys can really write a good song, what an opener. So of course I had stay up and watch the whole set, perched on the edge of my bed, smiling my head off, one of my favourite bands, about the third time they've done Glastonbury, but this time they pulled out all the stops. This time, this tour, they have really got it sussed. How to win an audience over. U2 were great, Coldplay were awesome. The Coldplay set was on telly again the next day. I watched it again. Then I found it on BBC i-player, linked up my computer to my stereo downstairs, turned it up bloody loud and watched it again, and again, and again in the background while I was cooking my dinner that evening. And several times over the next few days... Wonderful. Best gig ever. With Coldplay still ringing in my ears, Gillian picked up me and Laura a few days later and we headed off to Manchester to see Roger Waters doing The Wall live in Manchester. Now you've all read about that haven't you, so no need to go into that. I said on the way down that I hoped this gig would get all those Coldplay songs out of my head. It did, and I found myself now singing Pink Floyd songs in my head for the next week. Best gig ever... Although it's not exactly been wall to wall sunshine throughout July we have had several nice hot days up here, so Gilly and I made the most of them. Picnics and barbecues, a few meals out, some gentle walking around The Lake District, skinny dipping underneath waterfalls; all good for the soul. A week after The Wall though, we flew to Switzerland to see one gig at the Montreux festival. Never been to Switzerland before so that was a treat, it's lovely. The gig was my musical hero - Andreas Vollenweider's 30 anniversary concert, his first major gig having also been at Montreux, the gig that really got his career going. I saw him a couple of years ago in Germany, my first time, it was magical, but I've loved his music for around 27 years. This gig was quite different, a much bigger band with several special guests, and once again absolutely awesome. He is the most beautiful player, a truly skilled musician who can play just about every instrument ever invented like a virtuoso, but he is most famous for playing the harp. His music is unique and wonderful, I love him, and to see him again at this special concert was truly a privilege, a blessing. The weather in Switzerland was scorching, and the view around Montreux is spectacular. We swam in Lake Geneva, just so we could say we had, so there I said it! It was a flying visit, but just super fun. The day after the gig we flew back to Manchester, but didn't head up the M6 back to Kendal, oh no, for it was Friday, the first day of the Sparkle weekend... So having flown in from Geneva for Sparkle, what jet-setters we are, we booked into our hotel, quickly tidied ourselves up, ate out at our favourite Thai restaurant, and tottered off towards the Village. We stayed out later than intended, of course, and eventually fell into our beds completely exhausted. Long day. The next day I spoke to Anna-Marie at the park, and met Jane (Janey Woo) and her better half that evening. Thought there might be more GS girls around but I guessed we missed them. A week and a bit after Sparkle was the now legendary Staveley Beer Festival, it's only been going 3 years but is attracting huge numbers already. Staveley is a tiny place, but this event is becoming some sort of "Village Glastonbury". We played it last year with another top local band, but the manager decided just to have one band on per evening this year and asked us to headline the gig on the Saturday, which was quite flattering as the other band last year, good friends and ex-colleagues of mine, have been going a lot longer than us, at least since I joined the band that is. We are also attracting a big following now, and interest has snowballed since the Staveley gig this year. I've posted a couple of videos of the gig, they are better than usual quality, most of our vid's having been taken by fans on their phones, but you still don't get the real feel of one of our gigs, the sound, the audience atmosphere. We had well over a thousand people jumping up and down together in the last set, going bonkers. It's an awesome sight from where we stand. I looked out and thought, these people are having a great time, and I'm one fifth of what's doing it for them. Great feeling, best gig ever... The day after the Beer festival was the Windermere air show. I didn't go, I needed to rest after such a gig (free beer too!) Gillian, who had been our taxi service for the night (Mum and Laura came too) had stayed over, the weather was once again glorious, so we decided just to chill out in my garden. Both of us being sun-worshipers, there we were sitting naked in the garden, sipping a rather special Champagne (Orpale Grand Cru 1998) and eating salad and nibbles, so relaxed, so happy... As Gillian was back at work the next day I remarked what a super end this was to such a great month, it really had been fantastic. She agreed, we chinked our glasses, and right on cue the Red Arrows swooped in right above my house, turning towards Windermere in perfect formation - a sideways W with a V at the front. I couldn't believe it! I screamed with delight, "Whooo!" Our own private fly-by. "Thank you!" I shouted, waving madly. We fell about. Who had arranged this for us? How did they time it so well!? Thank you to whoever, the Goddess, destiny, just plain luck... Remarkable. Best fly-by ever. The following week the band were back at the big music pub in town, another stonker, packed out, more numbers added to our growing fan club. And the day after that a wedding in the most stunning setting, big posh house, cracking view, lovely summer evening in an open-sided marquee on their giant veranda. We don't half do some amazing gigs, so lucky to live in this part of the world and be asked to do events like this. I feel blessed. I feel lucky, and so happy. My heart goes out to all those I see here who are obviously being torn apart with frustration, as I once was. But life is what you make it. You have to stop telling yourself that it's family, your job, your friends, or what people will think of you that prevent you from coming out of the closet, getting on with your own life and finding true contentment. I know that won't go down well with some, and I can already hear people leaping to their own defence. But that's just it, it's a defence. My life has been quite ordinary since I've been post-op (you can read about it in this month's Frock), but this month I have grabbed life by the scuff of the neck and taken control, done what I want to do, and loved every minute. OK, maybe the Red Arrows fly-by was just plain luck, and the truth is I don't believe in any superior being, but you know, it really felt that someone somewhere was trying to tell me something. To paraphrase a scene from Fawlty Towers: (Cue Red Arrows) Whooosh! What was that? That was your life mate. That was quick, do I get another one? Who knows, maybe next month..? xx Montreux Festival Lake Geneva Sea Bass with a saffron white wine reduction My secret place Wedding of the year Water Nymph                                
    4494 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • I don't know what's happened these last few weeks. It's quite possibly been the best month of my life. When is it all going to come crashing down upon me? It surely can't keep up like this... My bezzie mate Gillian has been off work for 3 weeks, so we've spent a lot of time together as my band have also been off due to various members' holidays. But it all seemed to start while watching Glastonbury on the telly... I've been to Glastonbury two years in row, over 20 years ago, but I know what it's like; I understand the atmosphere, the vibe, man. It really is wonderful. So although it's no big deal watching it on the telly these days, it brings back how special it is, it touches a place in my heart, lets me feel the magic again. It's so huge now, in fact this was true even when I was there, that no-one can see everything that goes on, and the TV coverage doesn't even come close to the experience of actually being there. Even still, to see the big acts playing probably the best gig of their lives is really exciting for me, somehow I know, to a tiny extent, how special it is for them; I empathise, and I love it. I haven't seen a whole set from U2 since Live Aid, and that of course was only a short set. Bono apparently was a little reluctant to do Glastonbury, he shouldn't have worried, they might not all be U2 fans but the Glastonbury audience love the headliners, and U2 are actually quite famous. Their set was great. I've heard some people were critical; what the hell did they want? What did they expect? This was a lesson in rock and roll, this is how it's done. This was one of the biggest bands in the world playing to almost certainly the best audience in the world, and they did what they do with aplomb. The Edge has the best job in rock music, if I was a guitarist I'd like to be him. I'm not a massive U2 fan mind, I just think if you want to play rock and appeal to the masses then that's how to do it, and they do have some mega, smash hit, brilliant songs. So that was good. But the next night Coldplay were to headline... Now I do love Coldplay. Their song-writing is sublime. I was gigging this night though, so disappointed to be missing the set which was to be shown live on the BBC. We were doing a wedding in Kendal, practically round the corner from my house. I packed away quickly after the gig hoping to catch a few snippets of the day at Glastonbury as I took off my make-up, waiting for my ears to stop ringing. I couldn't believe my luck when I turned the telly on about 3 seconds into the repeat of the Coldplay set, the whole lot! Fireworks, lasers, oh so many lasers, and a new, unreleased song to open with, which grabbed me by the ears in a way that unknown songs rarely do. "Hurts like Heaven" - fast, energetic, melodic. These guys can really write a good song, what an opener. So of course I had stay up and watch the whole set, perched on the edge of my bed, smiling my head off, one of my favourite bands, about the third time they've done Glastonbury, but this time they pulled out all the stops. This time, this tour, they have really got it sussed. How to win an audience over. U2 were great, Coldplay were awesome. The Coldplay set was on telly again the next day. I watched it again. Then I found it on BBC i-player, linked up my computer to my stereo downstairs, turned it up bloody loud and watched it again, and again, and again in the background while I was cooking my dinner that evening. And several times over the next few days... Wonderful. Best gig ever. With Coldplay still ringing in my ears, Gillian picked up me and Laura a few days later and we headed off to Manchester to see Roger Waters doing The Wall live in Manchester. Now you've all read about that haven't you, so no need to go into that. I said on the way down that I hoped this gig would get all those Coldplay songs out of my head. It did, and I found myself now singing Pink Floyd songs in my head for the next week. Best gig ever... Although it's not exactly been wall to wall sunshine throughout July we have had several nice hot days up here, so Gilly and I made the most of them. Picnics and barbecues, a few meals out, some gentle walking around The Lake District, skinny dipping underneath waterfalls; all good for the soul. A week after The Wall though, we flew to Switzerland to see one gig at the Montreux festival. Never been to Switzerland before so that was a treat, it's lovely. The gig was my musical hero - Andreas Vollenweider's 30 anniversary concert, his first major gig having also been at Montreux, the gig that really got his career going. I saw him a couple of years ago in Germany, my first time, it was magical, but I've loved his music for around 27 years. This gig was quite different, a much bigger band with several special guests, and once again absolutely awesome. He is the most beautiful player, a truly skilled musician who can play just about every instrument ever invented like a virtuoso, but he is most famous for playing the harp. His music is unique and wonderful, I love him, and to see him again at this special concert was truly a privilege, a blessing. The weather in Switzerland was scorching, and the view around Montreux is spectacular. We swam in Lake Geneva, just so we could say we had, so there I said it! It was a flying visit, but just super fun. The day after the gig we flew back to Manchester, but didn't head up the M6 back to Kendal, oh no, for it was Friday, the first day of the Sparkle weekend... So having flown in from Geneva for Sparkle, what jet-setters we are, we booked into our hotel, quickly tidied ourselves up, ate out at our favourite Thai restaurant, and tottered off towards the Village. We stayed out later than intended, of course, and eventually fell into our beds completely exhausted. Long day. The next day I spoke to Anna-Marie at the park, and met Jane (Janey Woo) and her better half that evening. Thought there might be more GS girls around but I guessed we missed them. A week and a bit after Sparkle was the now legendary Staveley Beer Festival, it's only been going 3 years but is attracting huge numbers already. Staveley is a tiny place, but this event is becoming some sort of "Village Glastonbury". We played it last year with another top local band, but the manager decided just to have one band on per evening this year and asked us to headline the gig on the Saturday, which was quite flattering as the other band last year, good friends and ex-colleagues of mine, have been going a lot longer than us, at least since I joined the band that is. We are also attracting a big following now, and interest has snowballed since the Staveley gig this year. I've posted a couple of videos of the gig, they are better than usual quality, most of our vid's having been taken by fans on their phones, but you still don't get the real feel of one of our gigs, the sound, the audience atmosphere. We had well over a thousand people jumping up and down together in the last set, going bonkers. It's an awesome sight from where we stand. I looked out and thought, these people are having a great time, and I'm one fifth of what's doing it for them. Great feeling, best gig ever... The day after the Beer festival was the Windermere air show. I didn't go, I needed to rest after such a gig (free beer too!) Gillian, who had been our taxi service for the night (Mum and Laura came too) had stayed over, the weather was once again glorious, so we decided just to chill out in my garden. Both of us being sun-worshipers, there we were sitting naked in the garden, sipping a rather special Champagne (Orpale Grand Cru 1998) and eating salad and nibbles, so relaxed, so happy... As Gillian was back at work the next day I remarked what a super end this was to such a great month, it really had been fantastic. She agreed, we chinked our glasses, and right on cue the Red Arrows swooped in right above my house, turning towards Windermere in perfect formation - a sideways W with a V at the front. I couldn't believe it! I screamed with delight, "Whooo!" Our own private fly-by. "Thank you!" I shouted, waving madly. We fell about. Who had arranged this for us? How did they time it so well!? Thank you to whoever, the Goddess, destiny, just plain luck... Remarkable. Best fly-by ever. The following week the band were back at the big music pub in town, another stonker, packed out, more numbers added to our growing fan club. And the day after that a wedding in the most stunning setting, big posh house, cracking view, lovely summer evening in an open-sided marquee on their giant veranda. We don't half do some amazing gigs, so lucky to live in this part of the world and be asked to do events like this. I feel blessed. I feel lucky, and so happy. My heart goes out to all those I see here who are obviously being torn apart with frustration, as I once was. But life is what you make it. You have to stop telling yourself that it's family, your job, your friends, or what people will think of you that prevent you from coming out of the closet, getting on with your own life and finding true contentment. I know that won't go down well with some, and I can already hear people leaping to their own defence. But that's just it, it's a defence. My life has been quite ordinary since I've been post-op (you can read about it in this month's Frock), but this month I have grabbed life by the scuff of the neck and taken control, done what I want to do, and loved every minute. OK, maybe the Red Arrows fly-by was just plain luck, and the truth is I don't believe in any superior being, but you know, it really felt that someone somewhere was trying to tell me something. To paraphrase a scene from Fawlty Towers: (Cue Red Arrows) Whooosh! What was that? That was your life mate. That was quick, do I get another one? Who knows, maybe next month..? xx Montreux Festival Lake Geneva Sea Bass with a saffron white wine reduction My secret place Wedding of the year Water Nymph                                
    Aug 02, 2011 4494
  • 22 Mar 2013
    I have written about being invisible on a number of occasions here in Cyrsti's Condo but this one hits close to home.Recently I was invited by a transgender girl friend to go to an equality event in my town.  The event was significant primarily because I didn't even think such an activity could happen in my medium sized town. It's  not necessarily known as the most liberal place in the world.At any rate, the presentation revolved around a film which used Bible interpretations and major real and imagined theologians.  I use the word "imagined" for the right wing bigots who hate the LGBT community. During the movie I counted the times the transgender word was used and came up with a maximum of five times in two hours. Wasn't surprised. Been part of the silent "T" in and out of my own closet. The icing on the cake though was no mention of the transgender word before orafter the event by the presenters.By this time, I was relatively steamed by all of the missing "T" but I knew being upset meant nothing if I didn't do a thing.  So afterward I took up the offer to sign up for the mailing list andasked if I was welcome at all.  Of course then I got the blank "well sure but then again what does that mean look" from the gay and lesbian organizers. Hey, I'm used to that and formulated a plan.I'm heading to the next meeting which I assume will not include the "it's cool to be around gay folks" peeps who were there last night.  I plan on discussing the silent "T" and how ironic it is that there aren't any transgender people in my town of 75,000-according to them.  The highlight of the evening was when a woman stood up and said she would love it if her daughter was a lesbian. I thought, "how about a trans man?"My true goal though are the youth who this group wants to help.  Pity the poor transgender boy or girl who is exposed to this group and is invisible. At the least, I should be able to light a fire under the gay and lesbian leaders of the group and maybe help a lonely kid. I overheard the gay leader tell my friend that he had once met a transgender person in Columbus. Wow!Bottom line:  None of them  have to know me as much as they have to know about me.  I'm not invisible and I do live here.
    3789 Posted by Jessie Hart
  • I have written about being invisible on a number of occasions here in Cyrsti's Condo but this one hits close to home.Recently I was invited by a transgender girl friend to go to an equality event in my town.  The event was significant primarily because I didn't even think such an activity could happen in my medium sized town. It's  not necessarily known as the most liberal place in the world.At any rate, the presentation revolved around a film which used Bible interpretations and major real and imagined theologians.  I use the word "imagined" for the right wing bigots who hate the LGBT community. During the movie I counted the times the transgender word was used and came up with a maximum of five times in two hours. Wasn't surprised. Been part of the silent "T" in and out of my own closet. The icing on the cake though was no mention of the transgender word before orafter the event by the presenters.By this time, I was relatively steamed by all of the missing "T" but I knew being upset meant nothing if I didn't do a thing.  So afterward I took up the offer to sign up for the mailing list andasked if I was welcome at all.  Of course then I got the blank "well sure but then again what does that mean look" from the gay and lesbian organizers. Hey, I'm used to that and formulated a plan.I'm heading to the next meeting which I assume will not include the "it's cool to be around gay folks" peeps who were there last night.  I plan on discussing the silent "T" and how ironic it is that there aren't any transgender people in my town of 75,000-according to them.  The highlight of the evening was when a woman stood up and said she would love it if her daughter was a lesbian. I thought, "how about a trans man?"My true goal though are the youth who this group wants to help.  Pity the poor transgender boy or girl who is exposed to this group and is invisible. At the least, I should be able to light a fire under the gay and lesbian leaders of the group and maybe help a lonely kid. I overheard the gay leader tell my friend that he had once met a transgender person in Columbus. Wow!Bottom line:  None of them  have to know me as much as they have to know about me.  I'm not invisible and I do live here.
    Mar 22, 2013 3789
  • 14 Jul 2008
    Well, not any more… I finally did it. I shamelessly picked up a guy at Sparkle, old slapper that I am, dragged him back to my house and forced him to make love to me. Well actually, he seemed quite willing. It was extremely gorgeous. Words cannot express how good it felt so I probably won’t even try, but it was fantastic, amazing, really lovely. My condition, my transition and everything surrounding it has never had anything to do with sexual preference or motivation. But I am a woman and I have needs, and to at last discover sex as it was meant to be for me is indeed truly wonderful, and quite enlightening. Needless to say I want more… It’s so nice to be desired, to be satisfied, to have a mutual attraction, and to actually get on well with such a person, cos actually I’m not really a "casual sex" sort of person. He was a lovely guy though and I trusted him, and the time was right; I was physically ready. Nine months of often difficult, daily dilation now seems all the more worthwhile. And it HAS to be said at this juncture, that my surgeon, the wonderful Dr Suporn, is truly a genius. The earth moved for me, no problem. Yummm. More of that please. Anyway I’d better not go on about it eh. Oh and, sorry mum for your shameless hussy of a daughter, but at least she is an extremely happy, contented, feeling like a natural woman hussy. Sorry, but, well, I’m not really! Wow. So apart from discovering the mysteries of the universe, what else has been happening? I’ve had what should be my last appointment at Charing Cross. I cancelled the previous one (SRS referral appointment) because I’d already booked my surgery and was due to be in Thailand on the date they gave me, so no way was I going to change my flights and everything just to get their written blessing. They didn’t mind though. They wrote to my GP after my recent appointment and said that my decision to have surgery privately was absolutely fine by them; I had lived full-time for more than the required duration and fulfilled all their criteria. It is now up to my GP alone to supervise my hormone regime and anything else I may need from the NHS. No more shrinks! The main reason for my final appointment at CX though was to get them to write their report for the Gender Recognition Panel in order for me to finally become legally female. It seems slightly ridiculous that at the moment I am technically, legally male with a female (fully functioning!) body. Anyway, Dr Lorimer who has always seemed very nice to me, said he would get the necessary do***entation to me within a few days. Two and half months later I’m still waiting of course, their admin really is terrible. I will give ‘em a ring and chase ‘em up, after I get back from MY HOLIDAY…! I’m off to Italy on Thursday with 3 of my girlfriends. Apart from Thailand last year, which doesn’t really count, I haven’t had a holiday for years and years, so obviously I’m really looking forward to it. We are renting a house in Furore, on the Amalfi coast, surely one of the most stunning coastlines in Europe. Lots of winding roads, steep cliffs, fantastic views, Naples, Pompeii, Vesuvius, Sorrento, Ravello, Capri, Ischia, and so on. I’ve actually been to the area before on our last proper "family holiday" when I was 14, so I know how beautiful it is, and really can’t wait to go back. Who knows, maybe I’ll even pick up a nice Italian gentleman. As Gino D’Acampo (celebrity chef) says, "Italian men are like Italian food – minimum effort, maximum satisfaction". Mmmmm. I love pasta, and Italian wine, and Tiramisu, and men… Molto bene. If nothing else it will just be great to see some good bloody weather for a change! Sparkle this year was brilliant, even without my wonderful bonus prize. I went with my friend Gillian, who also had a whale of a time, and this year, for the first time I was there both Friday and Saturday night. I must say a big "hello", and a big "well done" to everyone on the TW netball team who came second in the tournament. Ok ok yes there were only two teams in the tournament, but the other team were a bunch of giants who had played last year. Most of our team had never even met each other, let alone played the game before. We played really well though, and the score didn‘t do us justice, the other team had a lucky spate of goals in the last few minutes. But it was all a bit of fun and I really enjoyed it. Hey, and I scored too! (In the netball I mean, as well as later at Napoleon’s). I think it’s great that someone has organised such a national event as Sparkle, successful again for the 4th year running. A chance for TG’s all over the country to get together and basically have a big party, it’s such a great atmosphere. I don’t think the intention of it was ever to be like the Pride rallies, but it surely can’t hurt in raising public awareness. I know it’s not well-publicised in the media, and surely there are many in-the-closet-types who don’t particularly want it to be, but Manchester certainly knows about it when their city is invaded by all and sundry of the diverse TG world; not everyone confines themselves just to The Village. It’s great to see such huge numbers and to see everyone so happy and friendly. I may be full-time, post-op, almost-legally-female, I may not do tranny clubs any more, but I hope to always show my face at Sparkle. Long may it continue. I wish all you girls lots of love, and great sex! xx She shoots, she scores!
    3567 Posted by Lucy Diamond
  • Well, not any more… I finally did it. I shamelessly picked up a guy at Sparkle, old slapper that I am, dragged him back to my house and forced him to make love to me. Well actually, he seemed quite willing. It was extremely gorgeous. Words cannot express how good it felt so I probably won’t even try, but it was fantastic, amazing, really lovely. My condition, my transition and everything surrounding it has never had anything to do with sexual preference or motivation. But I am a woman and I have needs, and to at last discover sex as it was meant to be for me is indeed truly wonderful, and quite enlightening. Needless to say I want more… It’s so nice to be desired, to be satisfied, to have a mutual attraction, and to actually get on well with such a person, cos actually I’m not really a "casual sex" sort of person. He was a lovely guy though and I trusted him, and the time was right; I was physically ready. Nine months of often difficult, daily dilation now seems all the more worthwhile. And it HAS to be said at this juncture, that my surgeon, the wonderful Dr Suporn, is truly a genius. The earth moved for me, no problem. Yummm. More of that please. Anyway I’d better not go on about it eh. Oh and, sorry mum for your shameless hussy of a daughter, but at least she is an extremely happy, contented, feeling like a natural woman hussy. Sorry, but, well, I’m not really! Wow. So apart from discovering the mysteries of the universe, what else has been happening? I’ve had what should be my last appointment at Charing Cross. I cancelled the previous one (SRS referral appointment) because I’d already booked my surgery and was due to be in Thailand on the date they gave me, so no way was I going to change my flights and everything just to get their written blessing. They didn’t mind though. They wrote to my GP after my recent appointment and said that my decision to have surgery privately was absolutely fine by them; I had lived full-time for more than the required duration and fulfilled all their criteria. It is now up to my GP alone to supervise my hormone regime and anything else I may need from the NHS. No more shrinks! The main reason for my final appointment at CX though was to get them to write their report for the Gender Recognition Panel in order for me to finally become legally female. It seems slightly ridiculous that at the moment I am technically, legally male with a female (fully functioning!) body. Anyway, Dr Lorimer who has always seemed very nice to me, said he would get the necessary do***entation to me within a few days. Two and half months later I’m still waiting of course, their admin really is terrible. I will give ‘em a ring and chase ‘em up, after I get back from MY HOLIDAY…! I’m off to Italy on Thursday with 3 of my girlfriends. Apart from Thailand last year, which doesn’t really count, I haven’t had a holiday for years and years, so obviously I’m really looking forward to it. We are renting a house in Furore, on the Amalfi coast, surely one of the most stunning coastlines in Europe. Lots of winding roads, steep cliffs, fantastic views, Naples, Pompeii, Vesuvius, Sorrento, Ravello, Capri, Ischia, and so on. I’ve actually been to the area before on our last proper "family holiday" when I was 14, so I know how beautiful it is, and really can’t wait to go back. Who knows, maybe I’ll even pick up a nice Italian gentleman. As Gino D’Acampo (celebrity chef) says, "Italian men are like Italian food – minimum effort, maximum satisfaction". Mmmmm. I love pasta, and Italian wine, and Tiramisu, and men… Molto bene. If nothing else it will just be great to see some good bloody weather for a change! Sparkle this year was brilliant, even without my wonderful bonus prize. I went with my friend Gillian, who also had a whale of a time, and this year, for the first time I was there both Friday and Saturday night. I must say a big "hello", and a big "well done" to everyone on the TW netball team who came second in the tournament. Ok ok yes there were only two teams in the tournament, but the other team were a bunch of giants who had played last year. Most of our team had never even met each other, let alone played the game before. We played really well though, and the score didn‘t do us justice, the other team had a lucky spate of goals in the last few minutes. But it was all a bit of fun and I really enjoyed it. Hey, and I scored too! (In the netball I mean, as well as later at Napoleon’s). I think it’s great that someone has organised such a national event as Sparkle, successful again for the 4th year running. A chance for TG’s all over the country to get together and basically have a big party, it’s such a great atmosphere. I don’t think the intention of it was ever to be like the Pride rallies, but it surely can’t hurt in raising public awareness. I know it’s not well-publicised in the media, and surely there are many in-the-closet-types who don’t particularly want it to be, but Manchester certainly knows about it when their city is invaded by all and sundry of the diverse TG world; not everyone confines themselves just to The Village. It’s great to see such huge numbers and to see everyone so happy and friendly. I may be full-time, post-op, almost-legally-female, I may not do tranny clubs any more, but I hope to always show my face at Sparkle. Long may it continue. I wish all you girls lots of love, and great sex! xx She shoots, she scores!
    Jul 14, 2008 3567
  • 13 Jun 2011
    You may have seen me asking for the support of my girlfriends here in my recent status updates.  Well the time has come and here's the favour...   You know I've spent over a decade working tirelessly on this community and I've also worked hard on Frock, my transgender magazine, for over two years now.  In that time Frock has grown and grown and now I believe it is time for it to really blossom.    I do need your help though.  Here's what I want to you do to help me with this...   Firstly, I want to give you the latest issue of Frock Magazine for free.  I'd like you to read it and enjoy it and then (and this is really important) I want you to tell your friends about the same page URL I'm about to give you...   http://bit.ly/iKPR9U   To get access to your complimentary copy of Frock Magazine you need to go to the page above.  When you get there, have a scan of what I'm trying to achieve and then click on the big girly pink button.   That will take you to a from where you will need to enter your first name and email address.  You will then be sent an email which contains the access details for your free mag.   Then I want you to enjoy Frock and who knows, you might even decide to become a subscriber.   Most importantly though, I want you to help me by giving this URL for the free copy of Frock to all of your friends around the web. here it is again...   http://bit.ly/iKPR9U   It doesn't matter if you are already a GS Full Member or an existing subscriber.  You can still help.   Please spread this URL far and wide, put it on your web site and in your blog and everywhere you can and pass it around by email to all your TG friends.  Put a notice on the wall at your local TG club, print it out and hand it to your TG friends when you see them.   It won't last for too long so don't delay.   Let me know what you think of our magazine too.  Send me an email and tell me what you really like or don't like.  Or offer to write and article if that's your forte.   There, I said it was a big favour and it is but such a worthy cause.  Frock Magazine's time has come and you can help us make it the best periodical for transgendered people anywhere.   Thank you very much for your in advance and hugs too, Katie   x   PS Here's the URL again - http://bit.ly/iKPR9U
    3465 Posted by Katie Glover
  • You may have seen me asking for the support of my girlfriends here in my recent status updates.  Well the time has come and here's the favour...   You know I've spent over a decade working tirelessly on this community and I've also worked hard on Frock, my transgender magazine, for over two years now.  In that time Frock has grown and grown and now I believe it is time for it to really blossom.    I do need your help though.  Here's what I want to you do to help me with this...   Firstly, I want to give you the latest issue of Frock Magazine for free.  I'd like you to read it and enjoy it and then (and this is really important) I want you to tell your friends about the same page URL I'm about to give you...   http://bit.ly/iKPR9U   To get access to your complimentary copy of Frock Magazine you need to go to the page above.  When you get there, have a scan of what I'm trying to achieve and then click on the big girly pink button.   That will take you to a from where you will need to enter your first name and email address.  You will then be sent an email which contains the access details for your free mag.   Then I want you to enjoy Frock and who knows, you might even decide to become a subscriber.   Most importantly though, I want you to help me by giving this URL for the free copy of Frock to all of your friends around the web. here it is again...   http://bit.ly/iKPR9U   It doesn't matter if you are already a GS Full Member or an existing subscriber.  You can still help.   Please spread this URL far and wide, put it on your web site and in your blog and everywhere you can and pass it around by email to all your TG friends.  Put a notice on the wall at your local TG club, print it out and hand it to your TG friends when you see them.   It won't last for too long so don't delay.   Let me know what you think of our magazine too.  Send me an email and tell me what you really like or don't like.  Or offer to write and article if that's your forte.   There, I said it was a big favour and it is but such a worthy cause.  Frock Magazine's time has come and you can help us make it the best periodical for transgendered people anywhere.   Thank you very much for your in advance and hugs too, Katie   x   PS Here's the URL again - http://bit.ly/iKPR9U
    Jun 13, 2011 3465
  • 10 May 2012
    Hi dad, I feel our face to face conversations are rather ineffective, I get so nervous that I clam up and can't say anything and you get so nervous you say way too much so I thought this might be a better means of communication as we can both say what we like uninterrupted. To begin with I want to say that I love you very much, you are my hero, and my role model, and these problems I am having have nothing whatsoever to do with the way you raised me, you are a fantastic father and you always have been. The next thing I want to say is that while I will not apologize for being the way I am, I do apologize for the set of circumstances that this has created, I know how difficult all of this has been for you, mom, and lizzie and it tears me apart. In fact one of the reasons I have been so depressed is because I can see the hell I'm putting you all through with this and it is eating me alive from the inside out, I hate seeing everything I loved and knew fall apart like this, and the heartache of it all has turned me into a recluse and for that I apologize. Thirdly I want to say that I have identified as female for a long time, I tried to chase it away, I tried to smother it, and I tried to bury it but all of that left me with a complete and total empty feeling inside of me, it was strangling me and it was only a matter of time before I ran out of air, in fact its gotten so bad that I wince every time someone says "hey man" or I catch a glimpse of my self in a polo and jeans in the mirror, it physically hurts to be the way I am right now and I can not endure it much longer, transitioning for me is not a choice or a decision to be made but a necessary medical treatment I need for something that is physically and mentally wrong with me, in fact the only time I feel truly, and genuinely happy anymore is when I can present myself to the world as Masi simply because its the only time anyone can see the real me. Now I know you think your losing me and that the son you've always known is dying right before your eyes but everything you know and love about me is still there, in fact I would argue that my faults that impair my functioning are linked to my brain being a girls and my body being a boys, and that all the parts you like about me may well be dramatically enhanced once I do this. Finally I would like to reiterate that no one has coerced me into feeling this way, and that I am the one in complete control over this, I am not so easily swayed into thinking this way just because I talked to someone who went through a similar situation, my thoughts and opinions are only accountable to one person and that is me. It kills me that I can't be the son that you can be proud of, it is worst kind of depression knowing that you let everyone you know and love down, which is why I'm begging you to be accepting and supportive of this so that I can be the child that you can be proud of and so that I can live up to my full potential and become the happy, healthy, and successful human being I know I can be without everything else chaining me down, I love you very much, and I know it will take time but please know that I need someone to be there for me to help me through all of this and to accept me for who I am.
    3337 Posted by Maci Branch
  • Hi dad, I feel our face to face conversations are rather ineffective, I get so nervous that I clam up and can't say anything and you get so nervous you say way too much so I thought this might be a better means of communication as we can both say what we like uninterrupted. To begin with I want to say that I love you very much, you are my hero, and my role model, and these problems I am having have nothing whatsoever to do with the way you raised me, you are a fantastic father and you always have been. The next thing I want to say is that while I will not apologize for being the way I am, I do apologize for the set of circumstances that this has created, I know how difficult all of this has been for you, mom, and lizzie and it tears me apart. In fact one of the reasons I have been so depressed is because I can see the hell I'm putting you all through with this and it is eating me alive from the inside out, I hate seeing everything I loved and knew fall apart like this, and the heartache of it all has turned me into a recluse and for that I apologize. Thirdly I want to say that I have identified as female for a long time, I tried to chase it away, I tried to smother it, and I tried to bury it but all of that left me with a complete and total empty feeling inside of me, it was strangling me and it was only a matter of time before I ran out of air, in fact its gotten so bad that I wince every time someone says "hey man" or I catch a glimpse of my self in a polo and jeans in the mirror, it physically hurts to be the way I am right now and I can not endure it much longer, transitioning for me is not a choice or a decision to be made but a necessary medical treatment I need for something that is physically and mentally wrong with me, in fact the only time I feel truly, and genuinely happy anymore is when I can present myself to the world as Masi simply because its the only time anyone can see the real me. Now I know you think your losing me and that the son you've always known is dying right before your eyes but everything you know and love about me is still there, in fact I would argue that my faults that impair my functioning are linked to my brain being a girls and my body being a boys, and that all the parts you like about me may well be dramatically enhanced once I do this. Finally I would like to reiterate that no one has coerced me into feeling this way, and that I am the one in complete control over this, I am not so easily swayed into thinking this way just because I talked to someone who went through a similar situation, my thoughts and opinions are only accountable to one person and that is me. It kills me that I can't be the son that you can be proud of, it is worst kind of depression knowing that you let everyone you know and love down, which is why I'm begging you to be accepting and supportive of this so that I can be the child that you can be proud of and so that I can live up to my full potential and become the happy, healthy, and successful human being I know I can be without everything else chaining me down, I love you very much, and I know it will take time but please know that I need someone to be there for me to help me through all of this and to accept me for who I am.
    May 10, 2012 3337
  • 28 Apr 2011
    Will anyone recall me? Really, it's been so long since I last posted. So much has happened.    I last wrote in the fall of 2009 and it's now the spring of 2011. I am almost a different person.   Perhaps the best news I can offer is that I have finally threaded the needle of transition and have scheduled my SRS in Montreal for January of 2012. Finally, it will happen. It was a trial to get here. It was in October 2007 that I stepped out into the world completely as Ann. It is fortunate that the rush one enjoys at finally taking that step blinds one to all the stares and comments. It was a tentative time but I was blissfully unaware of the impression I was making.   Over the months and now years, I found myself -- or rather, I shed all of the insecurities of my former self and was left with this ephemeral feeling of normality. Actual, what I felt was the absence of 'wrongness' to my life. At 6' and nearly 200 lbs, I'm an attraction at the very minimum. Acceptance by others, though, came more from my growing comfort with self and acceptance of self. My confidence carries the day.   Perhaps the greatest measure of success over the last 3-1/2 years is my ability to 'dress-down' now. And how ironic that I am most readily accepted in my neighbourhood when casual in jeans and a t-shirt. Slowly, I'm tossing my early attempts at attire. How right the truism that the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual is the comfort of her shoes. I'd  add clothes to that.   This hasn't been without strain, however. With mother's passing I was at risk of being tossed from her house, where I had cared for her for 2-1/2 years by all of my siblings save one. My older brother is my hero. Nearly 18 months since her passing and I still fighting to take as my inheritance mother's house. It is safe and familiar. It is a claim to my former life that I cannot yet surrender.    I started back at school in the spring of 2010. The first courses went well but it was a challenge. The school tested me and discovered that I was, on top of everything else, ADHD. it actually felt good to know why I had struggled at school before. The help from the college has been wonderful.   My first full academic year however was a bust. Emotionally, I just wasn't strong enough. The experience however was dazzling -- magic. I took a Women's Studies Course -- which I'd recommend to everyone. My new existence unfolded in this class in ways I couldn't have imagined. I made friends - albeit, young - who accepted and responded to me. My best incident came when helping a classmate with her essay in the college library. Looking very earnestly at me during a pause in our research she tentatively asked, "May I ask a personal question?"   "Certainly." I replied, anticipating the topic   "Given how hard it must be now, what made you decide to change from business to social work?"   "Really?" I thought but didn't say aloud. How strange it is when one worries about one thing and finds that others cannot even see it.   I was asked to make some presentations. I was happy to do so.   I have applied to Social Work. I aspire to find a new career as a Social Worker or counsellor. We shall see.   Slowly things are falling into place -- in ways unimagined. I am finding the nooks and crannies of my true personality. There is a new confidence of self that is emerging between the dying embers of uncertainty, self-doubt and even self-loathing.    Gender Dysphoria has left scars. I will continue to suffer depression through my life. But there is promise of a new kind and, yes, I can even say I'm happy.
    3242 Posted by Ann Teve
  • Will anyone recall me? Really, it's been so long since I last posted. So much has happened.    I last wrote in the fall of 2009 and it's now the spring of 2011. I am almost a different person.   Perhaps the best news I can offer is that I have finally threaded the needle of transition and have scheduled my SRS in Montreal for January of 2012. Finally, it will happen. It was a trial to get here. It was in October 2007 that I stepped out into the world completely as Ann. It is fortunate that the rush one enjoys at finally taking that step blinds one to all the stares and comments. It was a tentative time but I was blissfully unaware of the impression I was making.   Over the months and now years, I found myself -- or rather, I shed all of the insecurities of my former self and was left with this ephemeral feeling of normality. Actual, what I felt was the absence of 'wrongness' to my life. At 6' and nearly 200 lbs, I'm an attraction at the very minimum. Acceptance by others, though, came more from my growing comfort with self and acceptance of self. My confidence carries the day.   Perhaps the greatest measure of success over the last 3-1/2 years is my ability to 'dress-down' now. And how ironic that I am most readily accepted in my neighbourhood when casual in jeans and a t-shirt. Slowly, I'm tossing my early attempts at attire. How right the truism that the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual is the comfort of her shoes. I'd  add clothes to that.   This hasn't been without strain, however. With mother's passing I was at risk of being tossed from her house, where I had cared for her for 2-1/2 years by all of my siblings save one. My older brother is my hero. Nearly 18 months since her passing and I still fighting to take as my inheritance mother's house. It is safe and familiar. It is a claim to my former life that I cannot yet surrender.    I started back at school in the spring of 2010. The first courses went well but it was a challenge. The school tested me and discovered that I was, on top of everything else, ADHD. it actually felt good to know why I had struggled at school before. The help from the college has been wonderful.   My first full academic year however was a bust. Emotionally, I just wasn't strong enough. The experience however was dazzling -- magic. I took a Women's Studies Course -- which I'd recommend to everyone. My new existence unfolded in this class in ways I couldn't have imagined. I made friends - albeit, young - who accepted and responded to me. My best incident came when helping a classmate with her essay in the college library. Looking very earnestly at me during a pause in our research she tentatively asked, "May I ask a personal question?"   "Certainly." I replied, anticipating the topic   "Given how hard it must be now, what made you decide to change from business to social work?"   "Really?" I thought but didn't say aloud. How strange it is when one worries about one thing and finds that others cannot even see it.   I was asked to make some presentations. I was happy to do so.   I have applied to Social Work. I aspire to find a new career as a Social Worker or counsellor. We shall see.   Slowly things are falling into place -- in ways unimagined. I am finding the nooks and crannies of my true personality. There is a new confidence of self that is emerging between the dying embers of uncertainty, self-doubt and even self-loathing.    Gender Dysphoria has left scars. I will continue to suffer depression through my life. But there is promise of a new kind and, yes, I can even say I'm happy.
    Apr 28, 2011 3242
  • 11 May 2012
    I really appreciate your message! As much as I dislike it you are right our face to face talks are not very effective. I love you so much! I have spent the last 20 and a half years trying to be the best dad I could despite my flaws. I have always been proud of you and wanted the very best for you. I apologize for the times I have not been the dad I need to be through my actions or words. I need some more time to process and think about your entire message. I will respond soon. Thank you and I will always love you!!!
    3180 Posted by Maci Branch
  • I really appreciate your message! As much as I dislike it you are right our face to face talks are not very effective. I love you so much! I have spent the last 20 and a half years trying to be the best dad I could despite my flaws. I have always been proud of you and wanted the very best for you. I apologize for the times I have not been the dad I need to be through my actions or words. I need some more time to process and think about your entire message. I will respond soon. Thank you and I will always love you!!!
    May 11, 2012 3180
  • 02 Mar 2011
    We are so close to launch now.  I feel a bit like the Launch Director at Kennedy Space Center.  Our new site seems to be good to go, sitting on Pad 39A with the public still being kept a safe distance away.  But before we do anything rash, like pressing the 'launch' button, we have to make absolutely sure that all of our critical systems are working properly.   There will always be little bugs here and there in a site of this size and complexity, and as we add new functionality into the site over the coming weeks and months, we will undoubtedly introduce more bugs into the system, which we'll have to identify and deal with.  But that's the way dynamic, constantly changing sites like ours work.  It's an occupational hazard. It goes with the territory.   Rather, what I'm talking about here is the core functions that make the site work - the stuff we absolutely cannot do without.  If our News Feed went down tomorrow it would be annoying but the site would still remain on air.  If our Q&A feature suddenly stopped working, the rest of the site would still be there.   However, if our core software was not right, that would impact on everything else.  So we need to get this sorted out once and for all and we must not bow to pressure from other parties to launch prematurely or give in to the temptation to just do it and to hell with the consequences.   So once again I find myself apologising for the late arrival of your new site, but like the Launch Director I'd prefer to be certain that all systems really are 'go' and avoid the potential for a crash on the pad.   Thanks for your patience.  Hugs, Launch Director Katie   x
    3176 Posted by Katie Glover
  • We are so close to launch now.  I feel a bit like the Launch Director at Kennedy Space Center.  Our new site seems to be good to go, sitting on Pad 39A with the public still being kept a safe distance away.  But before we do anything rash, like pressing the 'launch' button, we have to make absolutely sure that all of our critical systems are working properly.   There will always be little bugs here and there in a site of this size and complexity, and as we add new functionality into the site over the coming weeks and months, we will undoubtedly introduce more bugs into the system, which we'll have to identify and deal with.  But that's the way dynamic, constantly changing sites like ours work.  It's an occupational hazard. It goes with the territory.   Rather, what I'm talking about here is the core functions that make the site work - the stuff we absolutely cannot do without.  If our News Feed went down tomorrow it would be annoying but the site would still remain on air.  If our Q&A feature suddenly stopped working, the rest of the site would still be there.   However, if our core software was not right, that would impact on everything else.  So we need to get this sorted out once and for all and we must not bow to pressure from other parties to launch prematurely or give in to the temptation to just do it and to hell with the consequences.   So once again I find myself apologising for the late arrival of your new site, but like the Launch Director I'd prefer to be certain that all systems really are 'go' and avoid the potential for a crash on the pad.   Thanks for your patience.  Hugs, Launch Director Katie   x
    Mar 02, 2011 3176
  • 02 Aug 2013
    BigenderBigender or bi-gender describes a person who feels they exhibit two genders. The two genders may include any particular gender on or outside of the gender spectrum. Some bigender individuals switch genders (Gender Switching), sometimes using different personas for either gender to feel comfortable in at any given time. It is recognized by the American Psychological Association (APA) as a subset of the transgender groupOk that the technical definition of bi gender.Being Mitchell/Michellejust think how you would feel when you wake up in the morning and start get dresses and you look at yourself inthe mirror . Than feel con fused ,be cause the feelings in you heart and soul at that time dont match your body.Now do you dress for the soul or the body type.Ie I woke feeling female  ,do i dress as a female as i feel inside, but my body image says male.ok for instant i went for what I was feeling that very time...so i dressed female. Than i go out of my room and start to do things inside the house.      like this computer  and i see some thing that activates that deep inner male thats down there in me .    I feel the switch in my mind and soul  it moves to being male.  Now there i am  ,now having male thinking and now dressed in female attire. so it back to the bed room to change....... I.E i. went out with a friend later...  on our outing  some thing i saw heard or felt accitvated the female in me ,,, i mention to my friend oh oh i shifted . She said i know "Your Michelle now ,your whole method of expression has change . You r voice went higher but softer, and you demeanor  has changed also..... but hey girl....we got things to do!What was i to do  go home and change from male to female clothes. Than while i was driving to another mall i felt what i call "The shift"  and there i was talking to her and she saidoh oh l you change again. i said huh,  what !  She restated  you changed again.... now tell me where you want to go right Now Mitchell..I said Cabella,s for those not familar  Cabellas is a sporting goods store,,,,, see i had changed back to a male persona.So off to cabellas we went ....... be fore we got there I shifted again....... i saw some thing.... i veared to the next exit and i was headed to the other mallshe in dismay  "hey cabellas is that way, where you going ..... I said  were  going to  Cathrines, I need some  new tops.Well Cathrines in a  plus size women shop. So she said if we are going there than th an i need to go to Victoria secrets.Shopping went well till Victoria secrets  than the shift hits me . the e i was a male with male feelings and such in a ladies underwear shop.Blushing feeling as i did i had to make a quick exit and waited out side til she was finished..When she came out she said  .oh you had a shift. Now where we go mitchell .i said home.here we go walking to go back to the car,   a shift     i didnt say a thing to my friend,, she said"Michelle rose I see that. I said what,,,, she said you looking at that guy.....you changed again  .i can see it in your eyes.well that it for nowMichelle /mitchell
    2990 Posted by michelle/mitchell self
  • BigenderBigender or bi-gender describes a person who feels they exhibit two genders. The two genders may include any particular gender on or outside of the gender spectrum. Some bigender individuals switch genders (Gender Switching), sometimes using different personas for either gender to feel comfortable in at any given time. It is recognized by the American Psychological Association (APA) as a subset of the transgender groupOk that the technical definition of bi gender.Being Mitchell/Michellejust think how you would feel when you wake up in the morning and start get dresses and you look at yourself inthe mirror . Than feel con fused ,be cause the feelings in you heart and soul at that time dont match your body.Now do you dress for the soul or the body type.Ie I woke feeling female  ,do i dress as a female as i feel inside, but my body image says male.ok for instant i went for what I was feeling that very time...so i dressed female. Than i go out of my room and start to do things inside the house.      like this computer  and i see some thing that activates that deep inner male thats down there in me .    I feel the switch in my mind and soul  it moves to being male.  Now there i am  ,now having male thinking and now dressed in female attire. so it back to the bed room to change....... I.E i. went out with a friend later...  on our outing  some thing i saw heard or felt accitvated the female in me ,,, i mention to my friend oh oh i shifted . She said i know "Your Michelle now ,your whole method of expression has change . You r voice went higher but softer, and you demeanor  has changed also..... but hey girl....we got things to do!What was i to do  go home and change from male to female clothes. Than while i was driving to another mall i felt what i call "The shift"  and there i was talking to her and she saidoh oh l you change again. i said huh,  what !  She restated  you changed again.... now tell me where you want to go right Now Mitchell..I said Cabella,s for those not familar  Cabellas is a sporting goods store,,,,, see i had changed back to a male persona.So off to cabellas we went ....... be fore we got there I shifted again....... i saw some thing.... i veared to the next exit and i was headed to the other mallshe in dismay  "hey cabellas is that way, where you going ..... I said  were  going to  Cathrines, I need some  new tops.Well Cathrines in a  plus size women shop. So she said if we are going there than th an i need to go to Victoria secrets.Shopping went well till Victoria secrets  than the shift hits me . the e i was a male with male feelings and such in a ladies underwear shop.Blushing feeling as i did i had to make a quick exit and waited out side til she was finished..When she came out she said  .oh you had a shift. Now where we go mitchell .i said home.here we go walking to go back to the car,   a shift     i didnt say a thing to my friend,, she said"Michelle rose I see that. I said what,,,, she said you looking at that guy.....you changed again  .i can see it in your eyes.well that it for nowMichelle /mitchell
    Aug 02, 2013 2990
  • 14 Apr 2012
    Mom and Dad,        I am writing this letter to let you know something about me which may also explain certain things, I am using a letter rather than talking to you face to face as I think it would be a lot better for myself and yourselves given the situation.      For many years now, as far back as I can remember I have had a huge struggle within, I have tried to deal with this problem on my own but I feel I can no longer carry on in the same manner as it is getting worse. The last two weeks especially have been really hard, mood swings and sleepless nights don't even scratch the surface of what I have been going through, my first thought and possibly yours would be that I am worrying about my work situation but I believe this is not the case.      The struggle within that I am talking about is my belief that I was never supposed to be born male but actually female, my first memory of this was when I was about 8, I remember I used to sit in the closet at the bottom of the stairs and try on your shoes mom. But as I got older and started to realise that this wasn't normal it just started to tear me apart inside, questioning my sexuality numerous times, wondering if it was a fetish, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, scared of you or anybody finding out and what might be the consequences if that happened. So I kept it to myself and carried on through the years, trying to ignore this craving I had to look how I felt inside but I just couldn't. In my late teens I started experimenting with make-up and more clothes but all I could see in the mirror looking back at me was a male wearing what he should not be wearing and I just felt absolutely disgusted and hated myself...I hated the body I was born with, I hated myself for doing something that felt so wrong but also I hated the fact that I could never look like the woman I felt I should be. Alone and full of hate, confusion and fears I had no where to turn and I could not see me ever being happy.      The years came and went, my situation and feelings unchanged were starting to take their toll on my mind, I broke down, became sick with depression, stress and anxiety as you know. This was put down to work, money and ill health but I felt that they were not the main culprit, I desperately wanted to tell my doctor and/or therapist but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, the fear of losing you both, my friends and my job was just too great. I always thought if I could not be happy and cope with this on my own then how could I possibly cope if I lost everything that was good in my life.      During my time sick I started to experiment some more, I got better with make-up and clothes to the point that I actually started to have some belief that I might be able to look like I feel, that was why I spent so much time in my bedroom over those 3 and half months, it made me so happy to see ME looking back. Then of course being worried about me you walked into my bedroom dad and caught me, I know I didn't answer any of your questions at the time, I couldn't as I just froze with fear and shame and then when you slammed my door shut I thought my life was over, that I had upset you, made you angry. My fears... I felt as though they were coming true but I couldn't just leave it like that I had to talk to you both, I believe now that I didn't do enough talking and I should have told you both then what I am telling you now, your reactions comforted me and that would have been the ideal time to come out to you but I didn't and therefore my fears have risen again.      I hope you will both come and talk to me after you have read this, I want us to be open about all of this and I promise I will try and answer any questions you will probably have. If you wish that I seek help I will do that also I just want you to know that I couldn't ask for any better parents and the last thing I want is to hurt you both and make you ill, I love you so much! And I'm sorry...  
    2926 Posted by Tracey Millington
  • Mom and Dad,        I am writing this letter to let you know something about me which may also explain certain things, I am using a letter rather than talking to you face to face as I think it would be a lot better for myself and yourselves given the situation.      For many years now, as far back as I can remember I have had a huge struggle within, I have tried to deal with this problem on my own but I feel I can no longer carry on in the same manner as it is getting worse. The last two weeks especially have been really hard, mood swings and sleepless nights don't even scratch the surface of what I have been going through, my first thought and possibly yours would be that I am worrying about my work situation but I believe this is not the case.      The struggle within that I am talking about is my belief that I was never supposed to be born male but actually female, my first memory of this was when I was about 8, I remember I used to sit in the closet at the bottom of the stairs and try on your shoes mom. But as I got older and started to realise that this wasn't normal it just started to tear me apart inside, questioning my sexuality numerous times, wondering if it was a fetish, feeling embarrassed and ashamed, scared of you or anybody finding out and what might be the consequences if that happened. So I kept it to myself and carried on through the years, trying to ignore this craving I had to look how I felt inside but I just couldn't. In my late teens I started experimenting with make-up and more clothes but all I could see in the mirror looking back at me was a male wearing what he should not be wearing and I just felt absolutely disgusted and hated myself...I hated the body I was born with, I hated myself for doing something that felt so wrong but also I hated the fact that I could never look like the woman I felt I should be. Alone and full of hate, confusion and fears I had no where to turn and I could not see me ever being happy.      The years came and went, my situation and feelings unchanged were starting to take their toll on my mind, I broke down, became sick with depression, stress and anxiety as you know. This was put down to work, money and ill health but I felt that they were not the main culprit, I desperately wanted to tell my doctor and/or therapist but I just couldn't bring myself to do it, the fear of losing you both, my friends and my job was just too great. I always thought if I could not be happy and cope with this on my own then how could I possibly cope if I lost everything that was good in my life.      During my time sick I started to experiment some more, I got better with make-up and clothes to the point that I actually started to have some belief that I might be able to look like I feel, that was why I spent so much time in my bedroom over those 3 and half months, it made me so happy to see ME looking back. Then of course being worried about me you walked into my bedroom dad and caught me, I know I didn't answer any of your questions at the time, I couldn't as I just froze with fear and shame and then when you slammed my door shut I thought my life was over, that I had upset you, made you angry. My fears... I felt as though they were coming true but I couldn't just leave it like that I had to talk to you both, I believe now that I didn't do enough talking and I should have told you both then what I am telling you now, your reactions comforted me and that would have been the ideal time to come out to you but I didn't and therefore my fears have risen again.      I hope you will both come and talk to me after you have read this, I want us to be open about all of this and I promise I will try and answer any questions you will probably have. If you wish that I seek help I will do that also I just want you to know that I couldn't ask for any better parents and the last thing I want is to hurt you both and make you ill, I love you so much! And I'm sorry...  
    Apr 14, 2012 2926