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    • November 12, 2017 6:01 PM GMT
    • A woman answers

      Q  Why do you women spend so much time on the phone, chatting about clothes and shoes, to your     friends.

      A.   Because you men have no real sense of priorities.


      Q.   Husband, Why does it take you so long to get ready when we go out.

      A,    I like to look nice for you, and take pride in my appearance, you should try it sometime. and make other women envious of me.


      Q.   Why is it you remember everyting, especially after an argument.

      A.   Because I pay attention, you should make the same effort.


      Q.   Why do you think I'm a bloody mindreader?

      A.   There you are you just proved you don't listen to a thing I say.


      Q.   Why do you spend so long  chating  to your friends so much when we go to a party.

      A.   We have proper converastions, beyond the ''did you see the game on tele last night''


      Q.   Whats your obsession with candles and dim lights when we have sex?

      A.    Because it cast a shadow under your fat belly and hides your shrivelled up willy.


      Q.   Why do you order salad and then eat most of my chips?

      A.    see imediately above.


      Q.    Why do you spend hours shopping and come back with nothing.

      A.     I have taste and won't settle for just any old crap.


      Q.    Why the F did you marry me.

      A.    Lets not go there.


      Q.    Are you having a lesbian affair, you spend so much time with her.

      A.    No we have things in common, inteligence.


      Q.   Why do you women always go to the loo in pairs.

      A.   Because the que for the ladies is always so long, its nice to break up the monotomy and tedium, we chat.


      Q.   Why the F do you buy clothes and never wear them.

      A.    Wear them YET.


      Q.    Why do you wear makeup even when your just going shopping?

      A.     Cos one of my friends saw you in the DIY shoip and said you realy looked rough and unkempt.


      Q.    Fancy a romantic evening.

      A.    Make it tomorow, I have run out of candles.

    • April 21, 2017 8:28 PM BST
    • Professional Fighting
              Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians. The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
              "No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."
              While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and put a thumbtack in it. When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
              Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and put a tack in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
              As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
              "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This putting tacks in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

    • August 27, 2016 9:28 PM BST
    • Hi Cris,


      A pet peeve of mine is the bigotry which a small subset of Christians displays, relying on 'what it says in the Bible'. Given that few to none of these people can read Aramaic or Greek, and have never set eyes on the original texts, it's apparent that they're basing their prejudices on their understanding of a book which is an interpretation of a text which is a translation of an archaic document.




      My twisted wish would be that a hitherto undiscovered scroll comes to light, in or around the Dead Sea area, which when translated reads "all characters in this work are fictitious and any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely co-incidental" :)



      Judith xx

    • August 27, 2016 6:37 PM BST
    • I wish the government instead of wasting time over the foxhunting issue, would employ sharpshooters, to hide on roofs in the cities, to shoot people who ride bycycles on the pavement and the ones that  ignore red stop signs at pedestrain crossings.


      What's your twisted wish.

    • June 20, 2016 9:55 PM BST
    • If it does not shout out nice arse when it passes me then it is Nowhere near human :)

    • June 20, 2016 9:29 PM BST
    • A driverless car (sometimes called a self-driving car, an automated car or an autonomous vehicle) is a robotic vehicle that is designed to travel between destinations without a human operator. To qualify as fully autonomous, a vehicle must be able to navigate without human intervention to a predetermined destination over roads that have not been adapted for its use.


      The “driver” sets a destination. The car’s software calculates a route and starts the car on its way.
      A rotating, roof-mounted LIDAR (Light Detection and Ranging - a technology similar to radar) sensor monitors a 60-meter range around the car and creates a dynamic 3-D map of the car’s current environment.
      A sensor on the left rear wheel monitors sideways movement to detect the car’s position relative to the 3-D map.
      Radar systems in the front and rear bumpers calculate distances to obstacles.
      Artificial intelligence (AI) software in the car is connected to all the sensors and has input from Google Street View and video cameras inside the car.
      The AI simulates human perceptual and decision-making processes and controls actions in driver-control systems such as steering and brakes.

      The car’s software consults Google Maps for advance notice of things like landmarks and traffic signs and lights.
      An override function is available to allow a human to take control of the vehicle.

      Proponents of systems based on driverless cars say they would eliminate accidents caused by driver error, which is currently the cause of almost all traffic accidents. Furthermore, the greater precision of an automatic system could improve traffic flow, dramatically increase highway capacity and reduce or eliminate traffic jams. Finally, the systems would allow commuters to do other things while traveling, such as working, reading or sleeping.

      Sleeping, could you sleep, knowing the car was driving itself, so now who is responsable for speeding tickets, bus lane infringements, We all know sometimes people who follow google maps end up in the middle of farm tracks, etc.



    • June 20, 2016 8:55 PM BST
    • Carrying on from your questions Cris;

      Buying the driverless car you would still be the registered owner so parking fines would go to you unless the car required a fingerprint or something to confirm who was using the car at the time.


      I have a couple of questions too;


      Would it need to be insured, considering you will not be physically driving it?


      Is it exempt from road tax?


      Would you need to sit in a front seat for the car to complete its journey? If this is a no, then I would pay for a dvd player & hello no more boring journeys....

    • June 17, 2016 11:06 PM BST
    • The good things about them is they indicate , they slow down and stop at junctions , they do not drink alcohol or take drugs , they do not swear at other drivers or suddenly stop to look at women in short skirts.


      If they programed them to do the above then they have nailed it , they have created an average human driver. xx

    • March 18, 2016 7:27 PM GMT
    • As a rule, I love gadgets and new tech but the idea of driverless vehicles worries me greatly. There are simply too many variables to go wrong with it and somebody is going to get killed sooner or later. It's a great idea in principle, but I just don't think the infrastructure and technology is quite there yet. 



    • March 12, 2016 9:16 PM GMT
    • Lot of news lately about heavy truck convoys, up to 10 trucks, but only one driver in the front truck, soon to start on special sections of the UK motorways, driverless cars,

      Trucks, what happent if 10 lorries, going through London, the first two lorries get through then the lights change to red, do the other lorries just follow on regardless? what happens if the signal between lorries is interupted, do they all just stop, or do they just wander of on their own?

      Cars does one need a licence for a driverless car?

      Who gets the fine for a driverless car that goes in the bus lane?

      Who gets the parking ticket?

      see where I'm going with this, from a legal point of view.   Can someone be banned for dangerous driving, if a driverless car exceeds a speed limit., can you be drunk in charge of a driverless car?


      Anymore ideas, sensible answers only please

    • February 20, 2016 6:07 PM GMT
    • Sad news.


      The man who invented predictive text has died. As he was dying he sent a text to all of his friends and family of his wishes for his funeral. It read.


      I went to be creamcaked on a Monkey and me ashes to be spreadsheet on me favouring spit on the beachball justin near that rockstar I sat on and farted when I was a litter boy.

    • February 17, 2016 1:22 PM GMT
    • I think the forum topic in the link below is a joke. Looks more like a converstation to me not a topic. Just to make it a bit more interesting I was going to add to it saying.

      Sorry to interrupt your conversation but can you make me look beautiful?.

    • February 17, 2016 12:00 AM GMT
    • A Chick With Long Legs

      A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

      The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
      The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

      The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

      This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

      The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

      "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

      "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

      "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

      The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

    • January 14, 2016 9:24 PM GMT
    • Pirate's Misfortunes

      A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

      The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

      "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

      The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

      The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

    • January 8, 2016 12:34 AM GMT
    • Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries

      A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

      She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

      "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

      The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
      you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

      The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

      The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
      you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

      "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

      The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
      "I remember that too", she replies softly.

      He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

    • December 30, 2015 10:31 PM GMT
    • Is Windows a Virus
      No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

      1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

      2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

      3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

      4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

      5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

      Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

      So Windows is not a virus.

      It's a bug.

    • November 11, 2015 8:29 PM GMT
    • A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

      The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

      Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

      As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

    • November 9, 2015 10:53 PM GMT
    • Farts With Lumps

      The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

      Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

      The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

      To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants".



    • October 28, 2015 11:41 PM GMT
    • All Out of Anaesthetic
      A dentist ran out of anaesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled.

      He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction.

      It all happened in an instant.

      The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth.

      Afterwards, the dentist asked, "Hurt much?"

      The patient hesitated, "Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!"

    • October 27, 2015 11:45 PM GMT
    • Check your Dirty IQ!


      1. a dentist
      2. a wedding ring
      3. peanut butter
      4.chewing gum
      5. an elevator
      6. a nose
      7. a newspaper boy
      8. a glove
      9. a crane
      10. a toothbrush, of course!


    • October 27, 2015 11:43 PM GMT
    • Check your Dirty IQ!

      1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

      2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

      3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

      4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?

      5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

      6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?

      7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?

      8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

      9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?

      10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

    • October 22, 2015 11:37 PM BST
    • Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:

      “Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?”

      “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

      “What sort of trouble?”

      “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

      “Went away?”

      “They disappeared.”

      “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”



      “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

      “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”

      “How do I tell?”

      “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”

      “What’s a sea-prompt?”

      “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”

      “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

      “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”

      “What’s a monitor?”

      “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.

      “Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”

      “I don’t know.”

      “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”

      “Yes, I think so.”

      “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

      “Yes, it is.”

      “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”


      “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

      “Okay, here it is.”

      “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

      “I can’t reach.”

      “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”


      “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”

      “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”


      “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

      “Well, turn on the office light then.”

      “I can’t.”

      “No? Why not?”

      “Because there’s a power outage.”

      “A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”

      “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

      “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

      “Really? Is it that bad?”

      “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

      “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

      “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”

    • September 1, 2015 11:06 PM BST
    • After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

    • January 29, 2016 9:18 PM GMT
    • Lol, both are funny videos x

    • January 8, 2016 12:15 AM GMT
    • Devi Strigoica said:
      Hmm, I can't seem to get the photo st show up on the forum.

      There seems to be an error when attempting to upload pictures so thats why the link is there but not the image

    • January 6, 2016 3:45 PM GMT
    • Hmm, I can't seem to get the photo st show up on the forum.

    • January 6, 2016 3:42 PM GMT
    • This is just too funny...

    • December 9, 2015 1:48 PM GMT
    • Cristine, Shye said:

      The Pastor exclaimed with some venom and disgust, that we were sinners beyond redemption, after a very poignant pause, he said ''Get out of here, your not welcome here anymore''............................................................................................................


      The paster is wrong.  If it is truly God's house you would always be welcome.


    • September 8, 2015 8:43 PM BST
    • Hello

      I didn't know where exactly should I put it, but I wanted to present You some trans* related project I'm part of that's called TransAngels. It's an artistic project of 3 transgirls that aims to explore our daily translife, happiness and sadeness, ups and downs, frustrations and successes. It's in Polish, unfortunately, but We have made two music pieces with nice Videos. The music pieces are long (around 10 minutes) - they're built around a fictional erotic story (JessTale) and a real letter to the one woman that loved one of us as a woman (Mirror). If You have some time to spend, we would be ravished to hear Your thougts on our work.


      Blog: - there will be 2 YouTube videos for songs.

      If you prefer just the music, visit us on


      I hope You will like it and find something for yourself

    • July 4, 2015 12:33 PM BST
    • Everything must come to an end right? How about this one



    • July 1, 2015 11:35 PM BST

      www.the rapist

      which is actually www.therapist finder .com

      www.proffesional sex change information

      www. proffesionals exchange information

      load's more but can't realy be

    • May 7, 2015 11:48 AM BST
    • Another true one.....


      Was travelling through the Northern Territory (Australia) with my partner back in 2000. If you've ever watched "Priscilla" you will have some idea of the general outlook out that way (its improved these days but its definitely not as liberal as Oxford Street in Sydney). We were planning to stay at a horse ranch/hotel and it was a very hot day (about 40C with high humidity). For the long distance drive to our hotel I ended up wearing a long skirt with dual side splits so that I could protect my legs from the sun coming through the windscreen and also keep cool.


      We arrived fairly late afternoon at our destination where we had booked a room with one double bed. Place was run by a Swiss guy who was undoubtedly very prim and proper.


      The fun started when my partner and I turned up at the reception desk together where the manager was on duty. Guy became all flustered as he thought there was a mistake and that we wanted two adjoining rooms as we'd booked a "Double Room" (one room with a double bed) and there was nothing else available. After assuring him we had booked the correct room and that no, we didn't want a rollaway bed we both went up to our room to freshen up before dinner.


      We had a lovely waitress and wren't doing anything particular untoward. It was lovely romantic setting though. We were a bit surprised then when the manager brought our mains out to us and put them on our table when we were clearly only half way through our Entree. Our waitress hurried over shortly after that and removed the mains and apologised to us saying the manager wanted to get rid of the two lesbians in the dining room. We just laughed, shook our heads and mumbled to ourselves "If only he knew...".


      Well he did find out the next morning as my partner and I woke up late and needed to check out in 15 minutes. I'm sure I still had a bit of left over mascara on but I definitely had nail polish on when the two of us turned up to reception to check out, very obviously one male and one female (I was in shorts and a shirt).


      Poor guy nearly fainted I think but we laughed so hard when we were in the car that we nearly had an accident later, just wish we'd taken a photo.

    • May 7, 2015 11:18 AM BST
    • Indeed Brianna.

      I have a few of those sorts of stories, will share more later.

    • May 7, 2015 11:04 AM BST
    • Life is wonderful when fun times like that present themselves and it all goes well. : )

    • May 7, 2015 10:51 AM BST
    • A true story.....


      I won a free photoshoot with a professional photography agency but due to the fact that it was a promotion they had very limited availability so I ended up having to schedule my shoot on the same day as the formal induction for my Computer Science Department at Uni. Scheduled it with plenty of time to spare in order to arrive home, change and then go to the induction.


      But the shoot ran late by an hour and we also got stuck in traffic and besides, the make-up artist and hair stylist did such a wonderful job so I turned up en femme to our induction at University dressed tot he nines (and planning to go out later that evening also). Spent some time mingling amid comments of other women feeling under dressed but I ran into and met the Head of Department. He was being a bit of an obvious flirt and chatting me up (much to the chagrin of my Disability Liason Officer who was the only one aware of who I really was).


      Anyway I had a meeting with the Head of Department scheduled for 2 days later to discuss my degree to which I did not go as a girl....


      We shook hands and he said :Nice to meet you..." and I replied "Yes nice to see you again as we met at the induction ceremony".


      It took several moments to sink in....

      At which point he went very very bright red.