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    • June 23, 2015 10:55 AM BST
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      Older Transgender

      Hi to all and thanks for reading.

       

      First up let me start and apologise for the length of this before I even begin.

       

      I am 51 year old male and am fairly sure I have had gender Dsyphoria since I was 5 years old. My life up until recently seems to have lurched from crisis to another. For me the main escape from my issues was via alcohol and spent from the age of about 14 to 36 pouring copius amounts of boooze down my throat so I could live a day to day life. About the age of 11 or 12 I was totally aware of the difference between me and my older brothers. We just seemed to think differently but I soon learnt what was Ok and what was not and they mostly stopped calling me a sissy by the time I was 14. To compund my developing Dysphoria I was sexually abused at this age which set of a course of self distructive events culminating in my near death in 2000. In 2000 I made a bid to bring Sarah out however met with a lot of suble but negative pressure. While agreeable my partner seems to have been hoping desperately that I would just forget the whole thing.

       

      Just recently we had a very intimate talk discussing a number of issue but my need to crossdress being one topic. Let me say I have cross dressed many times over the last 51 years. I came to the realisation about a week ago that I was returning to old dangerous patterns again. So I have spent time recently examining what this all means to me. I  get a great deal of satisfaction from dressing as but it feels a bit fake to me as I have to continually return to boy mode to go anywher or do anything. The only times I have really felt comfortable is when I have had plently of time and by that I mean a few days.

       

      I don't want to wear tight,short skirts and dresses with 7inch hooker pumps and a face full of stage makeup, its just not me. I feel my most comfortable in say a nice dress or pair of fitted slacks and blouse. A few bangs,goodstyle and colored hair,2inch heel pumps and don't forget the lippy. Thats me, I would like to just fit in and have the constant noise in my head stopped. By noise I mean those constants thoughts about feeling a bit odd or out of place.

       

      I have this odd feeling at the moment and have had it for the last week. Its like a calm, Ihave not made the decision to Transition as yet but it sits really well with me. I am despately trying to find a therapist to help me work out if I am on the right track...I do feel this could be the answer for me but like all the other girls who do this you want to be a sure as you can be.

      Thankyou

       

      Sarah S

      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 23, 2015 1:55 PM BST
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      As another late bloomer, I send my prayers of strength to you. 

    • June 23, 2015 3:17 PM BST
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      Thankyou Emma I think I am going to need it. I just came out ot my best cisgendered girl friend who I have known for 35 years she is in QLD so had to do it  via e-mail so will see how that goes,

       

      Thanks again

      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 23, 2015 4:03 PM BST
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      Untitled title

      Hiya Sarah,

       

      Firstly welcome to the GS forums, I can't realy empathise with the difficulties of coming out later in life, but can imagine the difficulties, managing relationships one has formed with work collegues, families and friends.    my own circumstancres were very different, some people would say it takes a great deal of courage, its a basic need to be who you are.   The problem usually arises, in the not knowing at an early age, what is what, we just knew we were different, and knowing what we were doing made us feel comfortable, natural.

       

      Fathers in my experience tend to be the most difficult, they have certain ambitions and desires for sons to perform to maintain the status quo, staying within the confines of what is perceived to be social norms, the same tends to apply to male siblings.   Many of those ''norms'' make them worry how they are seen in society, by their own circle of friends and associates.    To a large extent this also applies to people who transition at an early age, but they do not have the life experience of how to handle rejection, abuse and discrimination, from the uneducated and stupid.

       

      Thinking of you,  Cristine xXx

       

      ____________________________________
      Cristine Jennifer Shye B.acc. BL (GS Admin) Tongue out





      Don't get angry
      when others are talking behind your back... because they're just proving
      that your life is obviously more interesting than theirs.
    • June 23, 2015 8:33 PM BST
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      Untitled title

      Sarah, I too was a late bloomer beginning my transition at the age of 59.  I will be 65 soon.  That said, when I began HRT, all of the anxiety and anger melted away and I found that "calm" within.  In time, I no longer felt a "need" to dress and just allowed myself to be me in whatever fashion I was wearing.  Due to electrolysis, I have to grow out my remaining stubble for a few days and this means wandering about in androgynous mode or even sometimes "boy" mode.  But it does not diminish my feelings of my femininity at all.  But my sense of well being is off the charts good!

      Learn to accept yourself just the way you are just go whever your journey takes you.  You will know what to do when it is time to do it...

      Best wishes always!

      Traci xoxo

    • June 24, 2015 12:19 AM BST
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      Cristine, Shye said:

      Hiya Sarah,

       

      Firstly welcome to the GS forums, I can't realy empathise with the difficulties of coming out later in life, but can imagine the difficulties, managing relationships one has formed with work collegues, families and friends.    my own circumstancres were very different, some people would say it takes a great deal of courage, its a basic need to be who you are.   The problem usually arises, in the not knowing at an early age, what is what, we just knew we were different, and knowing what we were doing made us feel comfortable, natural.

       

      Fathers in my experience tend to be the most difficult, they have certain ambitions and desires for sons to perform to maintain the status quo, staying within the confines of what is perceived to be social norms, the same tends to apply to male siblings.   Many of those ''norms'' make them worry how they are seen in society, by their own circle of friends and associates.    To a large extent this also applies to people who transition at an early age, but they do not have the life experience of how to handle rejection, abuse and discrimination, from the uneducated and stupid.

       

      Thinking of you,  Cristine xXx

       

      Thankyou for your kind words Cristine

      Your comments on fathers is interesting because I can see exactly what you are saying in my own Father and brothers. When raising my girls I have tried to instil in them a sense of self worth and not confining themselves to stereotypes. They are both over 21 now and are just great people who don't appear to have any real issues with people of any race or gender. I haven't come out to either one of my girls and I won't until I have established what my course of action needs to be.

      Sarah T

      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 24, 2015 12:38 AM BST
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      Traci Lee O'Gara said:

      Sarah, I too was a late bloomer beginning my transition at the age of 59.  I will be 65 soon.  That said, when I began HRT, all of the anxiety and anger melted away and I found that "calm" within.  In time, I no longer felt a "need" to dress and just allowed myself to be me in whatever fashion I was wearing.  Due to electrolysis, I have to grow out my remaining stubble for a few days and this means wandering about in androgynous mode or even sometimes "boy" mode.  But it does not diminish my feelings of my femininity at all.  But my sense of well being is off the charts good!

      Learn to accept yourself just the way you are just go whever your journey takes you.  You will know what to do when it is time to do it...

      Best wishes always!

      Traci xoxo

      Hi Tracy

       

      It is great to hear positive feed back espcially since you can probably relate to where I am on the Journey. I agree I should learn to accept myself and I almost do but I have the niggling doubts in the back of my mind.These doubts are more about whether I am overstating my case atrying to live some fantasy, There are a couple of truthsd I cannot deny. Every day of my waking life for as long as I can remember I have had the thoughts or thought about changing my sex to fit how I feel or on some occasions having such total clarity and coviction that this is a crew up and I am not meant to  be a male. I should have been the girl in the family

      While spending time with my male counterparts I have learnt as I did from a very ealy age these are not the thoughtsd of a typical male. Maybe I should stop denying the truths in my life.

       

      Sarah T

      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 24, 2015 9:41 AM BST
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      Untitled title

       

      I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

      CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.  

       

      These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them.  We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.  

       

      If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

      the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful.  The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.  CBT would help you to gain a clearer perspective on your situation, and if you can find a gender therapist with CBT skills, that would be great.

       

      Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.   

       

      Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates.  Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change. 

       

      Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.  

       

      Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

      http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

       

      If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

      http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

       

      Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.

      Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

      If you can find a gender therapist with CBT skills, that would be perfect.

       

      Best wishes,

    • June 24, 2015 2:37 PM BST
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      Sarah, you fail to mention wether your still married, with a partner.   I have known Traci Lee on this site from the begining of her transition, someone I admire, her sensativity, compromise and patience has lead to her being in a happy tolerable situation,  she took her time, being impetuous, confrontational does'nt realy pay of.   A short period of time sacrificed at the begining, thinking and planning, will lead to contentment and hapiness in the long term.

      ____________________________________
      Cristine Jennifer Shye B.acc. BL (GS Admin) Tongue out





      Don't get angry
      when others are talking behind your back... because they're just proving
      that your life is obviously more interesting than theirs.
    • June 24, 2015 3:07 PM BST
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      Amanda Bruce said:

       

      I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

      CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.  

       

      These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them.  We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.  

       

      If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,

      the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful.  The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.  CBT would help you to gain a clearer perspective on your situation, and if you can find a gender therapist with CBT skills, that would be great.

       

      Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.   

       

      Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates.  Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change. 

       

      Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.  

       

      Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

      http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

       

      If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

      http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

       

      Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.

      Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

      If you can find a gender therapist with CBT skills, that would be perfect.

       

      Best wishes,

      Hi Ammanda

      THankyou for taking the time to respond in such detail. I hear what your saying and agree with you. I am actually located in Australia and having real difficulty getting information about Gender therapists. I have attended thereapy before and this was in regards the child abuse I received when I was 13 or 14 years old. I did a heap of work on this and can now talk about it with out the issues it used ot bring up. I am aware of the type of thinking you are talking about but think the best way to work through this is to find a therapist.  My concern is that I see some of the old distructive behaviours resurfacing and most astonishingly the desire to have a drink. I have been sober for over 16 years now and when I think back about how blunted my every emoption was during this period it scares me a bit. 

       

      I am fed up, I want some peace and for me the first stop will be therapy. Then we will see. That is the agreement I made with my partner and that is what I am going to do. 

       

      Thanks

       

      Sarah T

      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 24, 2015 3:11 PM BST
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      Traci Lee O'Gara said:

      Sarah, I too was a late bloomer beginning my transition at the age of 59.  I will be 65 soon.  That said, when I began HRT, all of the anxiety and anger melted away and I found that "calm" within.  In time, I no longer felt a "need" to dress and just allowed myself to be me in whatever fashion I was wearing.  Due to electrolysis, I have to grow out my remaining stubble for a few days and this means wandering about in androgynous mode or even sometimes "boy" mode.  But it does not diminish my feelings of my femininity at all.  But my sense of well being is off the charts good!

      Learn to accept yourself just the way you are just go whever your journey takes you.  You will know what to do when it is time to do it...

      Best wishes always!

      Traci xoxo

      Thanks for the encouragement. I think I have a fair amount of work to do befoer I reach any kind of transition. However for me I understand the basics fairly well. If I do have gender Dsphoria and I am undable to identify another another reason for feeling like this then I guess we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

       

      Thankyou

       

      Sarah T

      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 24, 2015 3:29 PM BST
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      Cristine, Shye said:

      Sarah, you fail to mention wether your still married, with a partner.   I have known Traci Lee on this site from the begining of her transition, someone I admire, her sensativity, compromise and patience has lead to her being in a happy tolerable situation,  she took her time, being impetuous, confrontational does'nt realy pay of.   A short period of time sacrificed at the begining, thinking and planning, will lead to contentment and hapiness in the long term.

      Hi Cristine

       

      Yes I am still married and my partner was aware before we married 26 years ago. She is a wonderful person and I love her very very deeply and the thought that i could really put some hurt on her if I am not careful about this is very real. Desprite how careful I think I am being KM is very likely going to get hurt if I do anymore than leave the status quo. I may feel like this all needs to happen in 5 minute but the simple fact is it will take as long as it takes. Km has expressed on many occasions that she see nothing wrong with Crossdressing and told me the other day that she didn;t care if I dressed as long as she didn't have to look at it. That hurt a bit and leaves me in a diffcult position. While not wanting to hurt her I also don't really want to play secretsfor the rest of my life. I don't at this stage want toi leave her and she has expressed the same to me. I hope that ansers your question about my partner

       

      Sarah T

      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 26, 2015 6:37 AM BST
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      Update On Dr Appointment 

       

      Saw my local GP today and after a short period of time I told him I need to see a therapist but with a could of quite specifiecific qualifications

       

      Has to be a gender therapist and female...he raised his eyebrows slightly and smiled at me. He asked if I could explain a little just to give him a direction. I gave a very brief explanation and he said to me, if it was a perfect world and no one got hurt would you live as a woman. Without missing a heartbeat I replied yes then became very embarrassed. He explained to me he had a basic understanding but that he needed to find the appropriate therapist and would speak with his counseling crew. He has drawn up a care plan that I have to go through,  he has refereed me to and Endocrinologist regarding the Testosterone. He tried to get another script for me and he was told I need to have an Endo's name to go on the script before he is able organise it. Could be a long wait but after discussing it further with the Dr it would seem the testosterone is contra indicated with thyroxine. My levels were dropping and he thought I certainly needed another shot to maintain them. Oh well what can I do? I can't afford to spend a $100 to see the Endo at the moment and have asked the Dr to find out how long it'sikely to be before I get to see someone.

       

      I see him again next week and he will hopefully have made the referral to the therapist or at least maybe have the names of a couple.

       

      So is this where the Journey really begins? I told my Dr that I was very open about where this would lead but I want to "fix" this once and for all and whether that means I learn to be more comfortable in my own skin or go to the other end of the scale and transition partly or fully. I am not going to put limits on where this should/could go. I want to try and keep an open frame of mind.

      This post was edited by Elizabeth Tokes at June 27, 2015 1:35 AM BST
      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 26, 2015 10:09 PM BST
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      Do have an "end game" in mind, not necessarily how far you plan on going, but rather that you have the means to live and have employment and a secure place to live in the event that the worst befalls you.  Frankly, not enough girls think this part through when they decide to go forward and it can get really tough as your circle of family, friends, and employers turn away from you.  Not saying this will happen, but when one suddenly announces to the world they are m2F, often the world does not grasp it well and things begin to crumble around that poor soul.  So be of sound mind, sound means, and have the courage and thick skin to tackle anything that comes your way.  But most importantly, remain resolute in the acceptance of yourself as you and always strive to be a productive person in society, not one who makes demands and whines...

      Best wishes always!

      Traci xoxo

    • June 27, 2015 1:04 AM BST
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      Traci I have just spent the last hour writing a reply to you and it has just dissappeared..I will try again a bit later, Feeling very Frustrated

      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 27, 2015 2:05 AM BST
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      Hi Traci

      Let me start again, doing this on a word document this time so won’t lose it this time Yay!

      That question was very nicely put. In answer I am trying not to have a fixed “end game” because I need to understand if my “need”  to live as woman is based in some scary childhood mess or has some treatable psychosis base to it, then fantastic let’s get on and find the right medication and sort the issue out. If however it is Gender Dysphoria then ignoring it will not fix it so I would have to do something. What that something is I don’t know but before I can make any decision on an “end Game” I need to work out what the actual game is first. 

      I am most likely in a much different position than most of the girls on this board because of my chronic illness I am unable to work The people who I am close to consist of my immediate family and then the rest of my family is in NZ. There are 10 Significant people in my life and so far I have come out to 3 of them and so far. I have one I have not heard back from and I suspect the email address is not quite right and the other two did not run screaming into the night. The idea that this could actually lead to me making significant changes in my life even if I never need to have surgery, scare the hell out of me among a number of other scary emotions. Financially I have money coming to me very soon which would be enough to transition including just about any surgery I wanted to have.  I guess there has to be some advantage to doing this later in life. : ) I no longer have a career to focus on and that part of my life is over. There are several other ways I can be productive other than to work which I am slowly exploring.  I have come out to 4 people so far because these people need to know that I am having therapyand  I can never hope to transition to anything if I can't be honest about it.

      This post was edited by Elizabeth Tokes at June 27, 2015 2:08 AM BST
      ____________________________________

       


       

    • June 27, 2015 2:26 AM BST
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      Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders!!! (smile)  Well done!

      All the best going forward...

      Traci xoxo

    • June 27, 2015 11:18 AM BST
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      Right on track I think, Sarah!  Hope it all works out for you.

    • June 28, 2015 7:17 AM BST
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      Thankyou once again for your encouragement, It has taken a number of years to finally deal with this in a serious way as I need an outcome that will not olny satisfy my need but also my partners.

      This post was edited by Elizabeth Tokes at June 28, 2015 7:18 AM BST
      ____________________________________

       


       

    • July 4, 2015 12:54 AM BST
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      You are definitely transexual. Having been on HRT for the last three years I'd say I'm better off within myself. However,  if you do continue to have calamities,  I can tell you it's then that people will be most transphobic.

       

      it's tough.  Only evil people associate with me and I'm constantly predatorized. My psychiatrist says I'm better off on a personal level though and he's conservative as ****.

    • July 10, 2015 11:23 PM BST
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      Hi Sarah I hope you are still working towards your goal. I am female and I have recently had a friend of mine open up to me about his want to become a woman and make up was so important to him. I've spent time with him showing him how to apply, testing colours to see what colours he suits and making sure he builds up his own make up kit correctly. I'd love to help anyone else to do the same. I am based in Glasgow but am happy to Offer support to anyone who needs it. even if you are far do not hesitate to send me a message! Please don't hesiatate to try thing and see what works. You will only get better at application and choosing correct shades with practise! Xx
    • July 11, 2015 2:06 AM BST
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      Emilia Harp said:
      Hi Sarah I hope you are still working towards your goal. I am female and I have recently had a friend of mine open up to me about his want to become a woman and make up was so important to him. I've spent time with him showing him how to apply, testing colours to see what colours he suits and making sure he builds up his own make up kit correctly. I'd love to help anyone else to do the same. I am based in Glasgow but am happy to Offer support to anyone who needs it. even if you are far do not hesitate to send me a message! Please don't hesiatate to try thing and see what works. You will only get better at application and choosing correct shades with practise! Xx

      Hi Emilia

       

      Thankyou for your kind words of support. Practice makes perfect...hmmin my case cae it is practice practice...but hey thats all part of the learning.

      ____________________________________

       


       

    • July 12, 2015 1:56 AM BST
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      Sarah, do remember in applying makeup that "less is more", especially on women like us!  I get by just fine with a little mascara, a touch of blush on the cheeks, and lip gloss...I only use a moisturizer on my face as a base!

      Traci xoxo

    • July 12, 2015 11:14 AM BST
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      Hi Traci,

       

      Thanks for the advice and I hear what your saying, its easy to achieve the hooker look without trying too hard. Hopefully once I have my makeover in a couple of weeks I may have a better idea about how to bring out my best with the least amount possible. I have used heavy makeup before and it just looked false, painted not a great look. I am not a huge fan of heavy makeup although I do like a little Lipstick, mascara and eyeliner. However reality tells me if I want to try and appear in public then I better get it right or have a thick skin or maybe it is better to have both. I bought a starter pack of thin lizzy mineral makeup and have yet to get another couple of pieces to complete my makeup bag. I am somewhat reluctant to spend too much until I havce a clearer idea of what colours and tones work for me, here in OZ (as I am sure it is everywhere)good quality cosemetics are quite pricey. There are cheaper brands but its the old saying, you get what you pay for.

       

      Sarah T

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    • July 13, 2015 5:25 AM BST
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      Untitled title

      Sarah...you can find really good inexpensive makeup but you just have to know what you're looking for.  

      Yes, nothing looks worse than a girl who is painted heavily...so easy to spot and frankly looks awful!  Makeup should really be used to create "illusions" such as contouring or to enhance such as lipstick or eye makeup...the older you are, the less pronounced it should be.  When you are young, you can go "bold and dashing".

      Anyhow, good luck with the consult and take good notes!

      Traci xoxo

    • July 19, 2015 5:46 AM BST
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      Hello and welcome Sarah!

      I too am a late bloomer (we are the same age) but I was set free at age 48. Yes, this is how I look at it - freedom. Freedom to be me, freedom to discover happiness and serenity for the first time in my life. I'd like to share with you and everyone reading this a quote that got me through the hard times (it is well memorized, lol.)

       

      "The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman is seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. True beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul." - Audrey Hepburn


      Warmest Regards ~ Lynne

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      ~ Lynne

    • July 21, 2015 8:48 AM BST
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      Hey Lynne 

       

      Thankyou for the warm welcome. I think when you get to our age the setting free bit is almost desperation. It never fails to amaze me how resiliant the huiman spirit is, We manage to get through all these years in denial of ourselves and in the end do we really havce a choice? I am sure during your years in "exile" you have often thought about escape and what that would mean. I am only just for the 2nd time considering transition seriously. I have a long long road ahead but plenty of time to do it

       

      Regards

       

      Sarah T

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