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At what age did you find your femme?

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  • How old were you when you realized you were born in the wrong body and how old were you when you started the transitioning process? I think it took me too long to just realize I'm a girl and it took even longer to understand and accept it. I really wish I could have seen the "red flags" when I was still a teenager so I could have started HRT before I was fully done with male puberty. Anyway, what are your thoughts about your own journey?
      July 2, 2015 6:13 AM BST
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  • I never really considered being born in the wrong body when I was young. The idea was not heard of. I knew I was weird. I liked to do things that girls did, but was never allowed. I was beaten and called a sissy boy. Seems I spent most of my youth crying about one thing or other. I used to walk around with limp wrists, it was my natural way of walking, but my parents would have none of that. I would get my hands slapped. I would be hit. They even threatened to cut them off if I didn't stop. I wasn't into, nor very good at sports. Yet another thing to get me mocked for. I learned to walk, talk, and act as people expected. I always avoided gym in high school. I didn't like to be in the community showers with all the other boys. Two reasons, I didn't want them looking at me, and I found that I wanted to check them out, but that could get you killed. I buried all of that and tried to conform. I even joined the Air Force and pretended to be tough, but when alone, I was listening to Barry Manilow and the Carpenters. I loved Karen. My first wife noticed something about me. She sent me on a hiking trip along  the Long Trail in Vermont with one of her Bi friends. She thought I might be Bi or Gay. Well, it was so awful, there was nothing going to go on. The heat was horrible, all the streams had dried up. We had little water, and after the second day, I had to hike out while fighting heat stroke. My second marriage was miserable. I married "the Sarge" as my neighbor called her. A very bossy controlling person. I guess I needed that. I was in my 40's. Eventually I was online doing some research and came across this test called the COAGITI, I think it was. It said I was strongly transexual. So I started to investigate transexuals and found myself in so many of the stories. I came out to a friend (female) at work and she got me hooked up with her psych. I was soon diagnosed with severe GD. Of course, coming out to my wife was a disaster. I ended up divorced, almost lost access to my kids, lost my home, my friends except that one coworker deserted me, and my family turned away from me. I stayed strong through that and started HRT. Then the nail in the coffin came. I came out to work. They said they would support me but in the end, they let me go. My ex was one who refused to work, so I was the sole support to my kids. I held out for as long as I could, but realized that trying to get a job in that market was hard enough without doing it while transitioning. I had to stop my transition and go back to being Ed. I buried Emma. 
    Eventually, I would remarry and life would be good, but you can't keep yourself buried forever. I am 56 now. I will start counseling again tomorrow. My current wife has a copy of all the journals I kept for my psych. She read the first one and commented how intense it was and has not picked them up again. So I don't know where I stand with her but she keeps telling me how much she loves and adores me. Unfortunately, she also keeps reminding me that I am her big strong husband.  

      July 2, 2015 12:11 PM BST
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  • Since I was quite young my image of myself has always been a girl. This was the deepest secret I had and I even made an ultimatum at a young age to 'never speak of this, never write this' was my mantra - it was too confusing and it was clear that the world outside of me would not or could not understand me, especially since I did not understand myself. My earliest thoughts go to 5 - Two of my cousins, both females, were over to my house and were about to paint their nails and asked me - deep in my core I wanted to desparately, but recalled as i was taught - 'boys don't do that' I uttered and turned and ran away from my own house. I regularly played with my best two friends - two girls on my street - we played house, with dolls, and the like - it was the best of times in that way. -- Despite this early knowledge, it was truly only confusion, fear, shame, guilt, and of course, something that 'you never speak of this, never write this' - for 4 decades I lied and denied every thought, feeling, and actions I did in the closet ( as is said of that ) - went through multiple buy and purge cycles, and the like. Finally there came a day about 2 and a half years ago, a very non-remarkable day, but in my life most external pressures were not present, and with a bit of self-reflection I found and saw myself - and most importantly - I know I am the girl - that I like myself - that it is okay to be this way - and I finally spoke aloud ( to myself ) 'I'm okay'. Never in my life have I experienced what happened at that moment - it was as if enormous weights were lifted off me - I tingled, felt alive and good. I have never looked back over my shoulder since, and now speak of me and write of me when and were I can. Ever the girl. 
    All the best in your journey - always realize there is no race - you are where you need to be. It took that long for me to be at that crossroads in my life - I do not think it would have happened ealier. hugs, Briana : )
      July 2, 2015 12:34 PM BST
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  • The first time I remember consciously thinking, I am a girl was 10 but in my early primary schooling all but two of my friends where girls and I was a part of their social world...birthday parties, sleep overs and all that jazz. I swore blind in my teenage years I would change my physical sex by 20. Didn't go to plan and in trying to confront those feelings I became withdrawn and ended up in care. In my twenties I asked for help but back then there was a general philosophy that treatment was too make a man and 'get over' the feelings of feminity. Didn't work for me! In my late twenties I discovered I could obtain hormones and blockers without prescription, through a legal loop whole in the law. I started several times, in secret. Each time getting so far then fearing loosing all. The world has changed, alot and certainly in the UK it is acknowledged that the best treatment for Gender dysphoria is to match the body to the mind and I have found my braveness to come out to all in my world. Im 41 and waiting for my first appointment at a Gender Identity clinic. Do I wish I could have done this sooner, hell yeah! But life is like that. Your young Devi! 25? is a great age to start transitioning, I wish that could have been me. Your a lucky girl! x
      July 2, 2015 1:30 PM BST
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  • That's horrible Emma :( I haven't noticed any negativity from anyone I've come out to yet but maybe it's because the younger generation is more open minded these days. I feel your pain though. Currently I have to pretend to be David 5 days a week for my job because "being in drag is unprofessional". Though I totally disagree, I just don't have enough time in the morning for the effort it takes to pass. I'd love to shave and do my make up every day but I guess skirts and corsets really would be unprofessional. I work for a company that assembles the floor model things for Home Depot so I'm expected to be a "manly man" on the clock. I hate it. I feel awkward and out of place and it's a constant distraction. I really think I would be a better employee and be more efficient if I was allowed to simply be myself. I'd trade anything in the world to have my girlyness, but for now I can't quit my job because here in Michigan, jobs are very hard to come by. :/
      July 2, 2015 1:34 PM BST
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  • Thank you Andie ^_^ I started noticing the signs I've had my whole life at about 22 or 23, didn't really understand or accept it til age 24 (with a phase of denial for a few months), this year at age 25 I've decided this is what I need and this is that last little piece of the puzzle that's been missing. I'm not able to live full time yet and it depresses me, but this is the path I choose because it's better than trying to fake who I am for the rest of my life. I've dealt with depression my whole life and had a few suicide attempts along the way, but since I've found my femme I've been happier than I ever thought I could be. Life is finally starting to make sense and I can't wait for the day that I can put my old life and old image behind me for good and simply BE the type of girl I think I'm meant to be without the world questioning it.
      July 2, 2015 1:44 PM BST
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  • It's a good thing and a show of bravery that you can be open about your identity even if you can't dress the part. Socially I've had a good reception and I'm now able to live as myself all the time. The phrase “its unprofessional to dress in drag" would be frowned on in the UK. I've only a basic understanding of my rights but transitioning has a good legal backing here. It has made a huge difference to me being able to dress as I choose, be called by my name and people using appropriate pronouns. Obviously practicality comes into it when dressing but there's plenty of suitable womens clothing for physical tasks. I'm lucky in that passability isn't required, I can turn up to work with minimum make up, mascara, maybe eyeliner and usually a bit of lipstick
      July 2, 2015 2:55 PM BST
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  • Here in the US it is legal and I could have a major lawsuit for discrimination if an employer fired me for being myself. But to press that issue I would need to hire a really good attorney that I can't afford. Unfortunately Americans aren't as open minded and accepting as they should be. They couldn't legally fire me for expressing my gender but they would fire me for any tiny stupid reason they find.
      July 2, 2015 6:58 PM BST
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  • Hi Devi. I never felt one of the 'boys' from an early age, and shyed away from group social activities. Within a very conservative family, where liberal conversations rarely took place, I wasn't encouraged to express anything other than a normal heterosexual white English characteristic. I was though, obviously quite soft, often referred to as 'mature'. I was turned on at an early age by the prospect of fantastical change; Charles Kinsley's The Water Babies an example. I applied make-up from around 6 or 7 and stole moments from my Mother's wardrobe from then onwards. Oh to have grown up in a web-savvy world. If I had I think I'd be writing this now as a post-operative woman of many years standing. I wasn't and so education about my condition has arrive too late for me.Good luck, keep pushing to gain what you want and recover what you are meant to be. Rachel
    a girl at heart and a proper person too
    This post was edited by Rachel de Blanc at July 3, 2015 4:56 AM BST
      July 2, 2015 9:43 PM BST
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  • Thank you Rachel :) I am very greatfull for the world understanding the life we live these days and for having access to resources like this site. Simply talking to others gives me hope and encouragement for the goal I have in my heart of a happy life and to be fully woman. But don't say it's too late for you. There are many women who don't complete the entire transition process until their 50s or 60s. Honestly it's one of my personal biggest fears that I will be so stuck in guy mode until so late in life that I either stress myself into a heart attack or be so depressed I forget what my goals were before I get the chance to fully express my girliness and be at peace. But it's never too late, I have to keep telling myself that.
    Btw, on a random note, I read your story and I must say you are one of the most interesting people I've come across so far. I've always had a strange facination with London and have always wondered what my life would have been like if I grew up their. I'd love to pick your brain and ask so many questions some time.
      July 3, 2015 5:22 AM BST
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  • My Story is fairly typical of most here but for me it was when I was 5 or 6 I didn't know what the deal was except I wanted to do what the girls were doing and not the boys. Over the following years I became certain there had been a horrible mistake until I was about 19 and I made my first and only attempt to come out of the closet and transition. However life has a way of putting the breaks on your own plans. Subsequently at some point I deciced I could live with being a cross dresser but I was still deeply unhappy. After getting sick in 2000 I made another bid only this time it was my partner who put the brakes on and rather than deal with it then I withdrew. One month ago I decided I that enough was enough and I made a conscious decision to trannsition and not in the way you are neccesarily thinking...For a start I am transitioning away from where I am to a new and better outlook. I start my first part of therapy next month and I will take one day at a time...where this ends...I don't know...I am more than open to transition MTF but at 51 there are always considerations like my partner of 30 years.

    This post was edited by Elizabeth Tokes at July 3, 2015 1:01 PM BST
      July 3, 2015 5:31 AM BST
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  • I knew when I was 4 or 5. I was about 42 when I got round to doing something about it.

    When people say, "Don't rush into this, plan carefully, maybe wait a few years..."

    It's probably well-meant advice, but don't leave it too long. Plan whatever you need to, but the sooner you start the better.

    You only get one life, don't live half of it in misery and frustration.

    xx

      December 5, 2015 5:58 PM GMT
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  • All of you, however hard the road you have travelled, be proud of yourselves!

      December 7, 2015 3:11 PM GMT
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  • Hey Devi. What a great question.

     

    I have never really felt like one of the guys although I have never really questioned my gender until the age of about 28/29. Now I've just turned really I'm questioing things a lot more (I'm really confused TBH) but like you I wish I had these issues when I was 18, also like you I have to be a guy 9-5 but all other times i'm en-femme thanks to the support of my wonderful fiance. It is interesting when you look back things become more clearer and I am slowly becoming happier and more accepting of my self. I've read that  when you get hormones it can take 6 years to go through the "female puberty"  and the changes to take effect this makes me want to make my mind up sooner rather than later. Who wants to be all hormonal at 36? lol 

      December 10, 2015 2:22 PM GMT
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  • Hi Danielle :) lol, you're very right, no one wants to be hormonal in their mid 30's. I hope to be complete and fully transitioned by the time I'm like 30 or so. It does take years but the process is slow for a reason. You wouldn't want to physically mature from age 11 to age 20 in just a year, that would be a mess. It does get easier and things become much more clear with baby steps. It's a huge step to say "I am a girl" but the real fun is learning ~how~ to be a girl. If you decide to get on hormones, while they are begining to take effect you get to learn what type of girl you are, likes, dislikes, mannerisms, quirks and what not. It's an opportunity to rewrite your personality. What ever type of person you want to be, this is your chance to be that person. Along the way you will probably discover a lot about yourself that you didn't know and it will be a lot of fun ;)
    Ps, hormones will give you some very noticeable effects afters only a few weeks, major physical changes can happen within a year or two. I think the 6 year mark is probably when the maximum changes will have already occurred then from that point it's just maintaining.
      December 10, 2015 3:34 PM GMT
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  • Also, it's never too late to be yourself. I had to learn this myself. Sometimes when I feel like I got a late start I remember that there are plenty of women who didn't come out of the closet and start the process until they were more than double my age. I couldn't imagine waiting until I was old enough for Medicare and Social Security to be myself and be happy. If hormonal at 36 sounds bad, imagine being hormonal at 66! But still, it is never too late to do anything that brings you true happiness and joy in life. This post was edited by Former Member at December 10, 2015 3:57 PM GMT
      December 10, 2015 3:55 PM GMT
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  • i was 8 when i knew i was differant from the other kids 

    didnt like sports ,but like to color and decorate.

    but i did closet dress when i was in my teen and young adult till i en listed in the army (to man up

    well that didnt help much

    didnt start doing any thing about it serious ly till i hit my 40s ,started seeing an therapist about it

    she saisd she though ti was def a girl in side my deep soul ,but not in my head

      December 11, 2015 12:23 AM GMT
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  • I found my femme at 33, but I first started thinking about wanting to be a girl at about 15 when my boyfriend told me he wished I was a girl. The reason he said that was that if I was a girl, we could have an open relationship, but back then it definetely wasn't considered a good thing to be gay or bi. I wanted the same thing to be honest, but the thought of becoming a girl wasn't something he or I seriously considered. In fact, becoming a girl would have been more upsetting to family and friends, so it was just a thought that we toyed with in fantasy. 

    When we parted ways on different career paths in different locations, I carried on as a heterosexual male, married, had kids and went on in life like everyone else. I was strongly attracted to him all the while and it took a long time for me to tell anyone that I was bisexual, and that didn't turn out very good for me. I told my fiancee before I asked her to marry me, she seemed okay with it and was even quite curious. However, she had an affair and left me and defended herself by telling our friends and family that I was gay. Nobody bought the excuse, but it was devastating to me. So much so that I became severely depressed and without a doubt had what we now know as PTSD; still do have effects and issues that I deal with, but I am in a much better place to put it mildly.

    Rebounding from that marraige was a rough road for me, but I eventually met a woman who I felt I could trust and told her all about everything that happened, how I felt and that had recently thought a lot about corssdressing. She encouraged me to be myself and let go, and I did so privately with only her. I was the schmuck that left her, but to her credit she never tried to do what my ex-wife did and I quietely moved on with my life.

    I fell in love, re-married and again told my fiancee all about me so that if she said yes, it would be knowing about my sexual perferences and past, as well as the fact that I enjoyed crossdressing because I made me feel very sexy and erotic. It isn't a tale without some serious bumps in the road but... we're still married and she allows me to be me! It isn't always easy, but we love each other and are in it for the long haul.

    Anyhow, it was an interesting question that, as you just read, isn't necessarily one that evokes a simple or short answer.

      December 11, 2015 3:05 AM GMT
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  • I guess my story starts out about the same. I figured I was different at the age of about five or six, so after a few months of internal struggle and conflicting thoughts, I told my mom. Though we in that small had no clue as to what *transgender was or meant, I told her I felt like a girl, or so to speak. She and my whole family were staunch LDS so they started the whole, " you were born a boy, act like it" and such. So for years, I was put into that role. I hated it. A couple years later I diagnosed as an aspie, because of some behavioral issue due to this. So I started to hide it a lot, but my mom always knew that I would try on her clothing items, she wouldn't say anything. ( later in life we discussed this). Now I am twenty-five years old, and have been on HRT Since January of 2015. And I am so happy that something finally worked out.

      February 21, 2016 3:16 AM GMT
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  • My mom thought it was a joke--still does. I guess it's because I kind of presented it as a joke. I was a nervous wreck and we were in the car, and I just remember thinking that my entire body was shaking. I said something like 'okay, okay, i'm just going to go out and say it' and laughing, because my mom was laughing. And I remember thinking how hypocritical I was being because I was sitting the way she taught me, my legs crossed, body leading off ot the side, chin on hand. The posture every woman naturally adopts because it's damn comfortable. And I just blurted it out 'i think i might be a man!' two minutes laughter, we were laughing it off as a joke and I couldn't look at her--two months later I was back in my apartment, she calls, asks if I was being serious or not, and I tell her no. Because I can't tell her yes. 

     

    When I told my dad, it was Christmas and I went back home for the holidays. I ended up seeing my best friend again, the girl I'd been in love with for years, and she was living happily in an apartment with her boyfriend, a guy I despized the first time I set ******* eyes on him. It wasn't until I was back home that I realized he was a lot like me. Me with a dick. We had the same humor, said a lot of the same stuff, talked to B-- in the same way. I bet we even loved her the same way. I was a wreck when I saw her with him, so I ran home. I spent the rest of the night--and the rest of the hollidays, to be honest--crying over her. As I was talking to dad, answering his questions, it was becoming more and more clear to me that I was upset about more than just B--. It was more than just not having a dick, I felt indadequate. Broken. In my head, all the things I thought were wrong with me were bubbling up, stemming forth from this sick, horrible, awful feeling like I wasn't ever going to be good enough. That a vital part of me was just absent, and I'd grown up wrong because too many things made me feel uncomfortable and unsteady. I was so messed up I screamed all my frustrations at my dad, breaking things as I went. Finally I just screamed out at him, 'I hate my boobs!' and stormed upstairs.

    I haven't really done much exploring outside of that. Hormones and surgery feels like too big of a decision.

     

      March 12, 2016 9:28 AM GMT
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  • This site will help you explore it. Read the forums and blogs, meet others as much as possible. Go out to your local gay bar and ask if there is some sort of transgender support group in your area. Hormones and surgury really are a big decision, explore this life, meet others, research, study and most importantly find a qualified therapist or other mental health professional who's versed in gender and lgbt issues before diving in head first. Besides, no endocrinologist on the planet will get you started on hormones until you have a therapist's letter of recommendation.
      March 12, 2016 7:05 PM GMT
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  • I realized that I was transgender when I was 31, which was only last year. For the longest while I was in denial about it. I thought that my feelings that I was born in the wrong body was wrong. I had considered the option that I was just imagining it all. It wasn't until I had read an article about writing why I thought I was transgender down with the intent to give that writing to those you wish to come out to. So I started writing in a journal that documented all of the reasons why I thought that I was a M2F transgender in the journal. Although the intent was to someday use it to give to my family and friends if any of them doubted that I was transgender, I wound up convincing myself. I discovered that the signs that I was really a girl were there when I was younger, but back then, I couldn't grasp the idea of what transgender even meant. Now that my eyes are fully opened, I am more at peace with being transgender...for the most part. 

     

    I am still trying to understand it all. I haven't come out to anyone yet, and so I haven't transitioned either. I have merely been dressing in feminine clothing in secret, practicing putting on make up, and...just getting in touch with Jennifer. It has been a wonderful feeling to see my true self finally come out. It's a shame that I have to do it in secret, and keep her bottled up whenever I am with my friends and family or even at work. It is killing me on the inside to keep myself a secret from them. My feelings want to just come out and tell my friends and family, especially the latter that I am transgender, but as a couple of people on this site have already told me, I need to take this nice and slow. I should just wait until the time is right to come out.

     

    I hope to come out eventually, and when I do, I can take the next steps such as seeing a gender therapist and getting started on hormones. I'm not sure about the surgery yet. I might actually see the therapist before I come out. Maybe they'll know how to come out and when to know when the right the time is.       

    This post was edited by Jennifer Wright at June 8, 2016 5:30 PM BST
      May 30, 2016 7:36 AM BST
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  • I don't remember the exact age, but I know I was very young. 

     

    I was always interested in adult women--even when I was like 5 or 6. I was envious of their curves and shapes. I used to stuff rags and whatnot into my pants to try and mimick having their figure. I also have a memory of being at the mall with my mom while she was shopping. I was looking at all the dresses, wishing I could get her to buy me one. 

     

    Then, one summer--again, still pretty young, single digit age for sure--I had to go to daycare while my mom was at work. The lady who ran the daycare had a chest of old clothes for playing "dress up." While the other boys were dressing up as firefighters and cops and doctors and soliders and everything else, I was always dressing up as a girl. Whatever we were playing at any given time while dressed up, I was always someone's wife, girlfriend or sister. No one ever teased me about it or anything like that. I guess we were all still young and innocent enough that no one thought of it as weird--perhaps a legacy leftover from being the first generation of kids birthed by parents who came of age during the liberal-minded 60's and 70's. I don't know.  The daycare had a pool too. And while all the other kids were playing in the pool, I'd stay inside and play dress up all alone. I recal sitting down in a satin gown, admiring myself in the mirror when the lady in charge approached me and convinced me to abandon that to play in the pool. She never used the words, but, I got the impression that she was concerened about me--that something I was doing was upsetting.

     

    Then I remember hiding under the slide with another little girl. She asked to see what I had under my shorts. She showed me hers and I showed her mine. I knew boys had a penis and girls didn't (what they did have--if anything--was a mystery to me) but that visual confirmation made me realize just how disgusted I was with my boy body and boy parts. 

     

    As I got older and realized feeling that way was "wrong" I vowed to hide it and never speak of it to anyone. Of course, this was the days before the internet and cellphones came along and shrunk our world. I thought that there was something wrong with me--though I was okay with it--and that I was the only person in the world who felt this way. So I buried it.

     

    As I became a teenager, I buried it deeper from public view, amid a torrent of gay and misogynistic slurs from teen boys. I heard the way kids talked about "fags" and "sissys" at school, so I was terrified of letting my secret out. Still, I did things in private--like, stealing my mom's clothes and wearing them and, ocassionally, at around the age young women start to menstrate, taking some of her pads to hear between my legs.

     

    I guess what I'm getting at, is that it was gradual...a process. I didn't wake up one day and go, I'm supposed to be a female! The signs were always there--the preoccupation with being female, having little interest in male pursuits, being much more emotional than most boys--but it took time to recognize all the sings and catlogue them.

      June 7, 2016 8:21 PM BST
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  • I've been cross dressing since I was 11 years old, always imagined myself as a female. I'm gonna see a gender therapist and hopefully i can get started on HRT, I don't want to wait any longer. My only hope is that i'm a beautiful female. 

      July 10, 2016 6:37 PM BST
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