Last night my partner and I had a bit of an epifany when it comes to our 30 year relationship. I have had great trouble getting KIM to engage in meaningfull conversation about my trans issues. Part of the reason for wanting to talk in depth about this was because I had not conveyed the full depth of my feeling about it to her, partly because I didn't know what I felt. So I told her that I didn't think I fell in the crossdresser category and more along the lines of Transexual. I told her I didin't at this stage know how far I wanted to go but admitted that there are many days I just didn't want to have a bar of being male. She asked me "did I feel like a woman" and I told her I had no idea what a cisgendered woman felt like as I have no frame of reference. I told her I had feelings, that made me feel, what I felt were female feelings. I told her I really needed to explore the depth of these feelings and in conjuction with therapy if I decided to transition then that is what I would need to do and want to do. I explained to her what I could see as eveidence of my Dsyphoria along with evidence of how self destructive I become if left unchecked. 

 

The breakthrough really came when she opened up to me. I had suspected for a long time there was an issue that needed sorted with her but she wouldn't tell me. Last night she told me after a bit of prompting that she was not really interested in sex and hadn't been for a number of years but didn't want to tell me in case I left or divorced her. We reaffirmed our commitment and love to each other, we show each other in many ways each day how strong the love and bond is between us. I was very low key with her about her revelation...people in glass houes...

 

After a number of tears and hugs KM has said she will support me to the end no matter what the outcome she is prepared to stand by me. I gave her assurances that before any major steps are made we will talk about it all. I told her I wouldn't come out to my girls just yet but wait until a clear course of action has been decided. She  said she felt so relieved to have told me and it was a big burden off her chest.

 

Here I was thinking my trans issues are too much for her and she cannot handle it, when all along she doesn't know the depth of my feelings( I had not been clear) and is struggling with her own demons. I think it is very easy to get causght up in your own stuff and forget what your partner is going through or even considering your partner maybe struggling with some life changing stuff of her own. When Km told me about her feelings she described similar feeling to what I was expressing to her. Fear of loss, fear of intimacy being totaly lost, fear of the future, fear for our adult kids, and so on...it all sounds very familar. Her worst fear that I would refuse to accept a marriage that potentially will never have sex in it again...I have to say I am not overly bothered at all by this revelation...it actually makes things even less complicated for me as well as her. So what now...I don't have any more excuses not to explore what it is that I want and how it is that I want to live. My heart tells me to start looking at transition is the right thing...I have thought about transition and transitioning constantly during my life and now I have the oppotunity of a lifetime to explore and that is what I am going to do.

Wow!  Good for you...best wishes always!

Traci xoxo

Sarah

Thank you so much for this post. I too have an almost 30yr relationship that sounds a little similar. Good luck to you both. Rachel

Rachel de Blanc said:
Sarah Thank you so much for this post. I too have an almost 30yr relationship that sounds a little similar. Good luck to you both. Rachel

I think after all the years together things change in a way with time, that doesn't happen, until you have shared a life with someone for an extended period. For me while sex is important it is not the reason I love my partner and to think I would be hurting her in any way is quite intolerable for me. She feels the same way about me and has finally seen that there is a possability of real happiness for us both if we are prepared to make compromises and be honest with each other. The kind of understanding on a deep level that only comes with the miles and bumps and bruises of long term rrelationships. Good luck to you Rachel I hope you and your partner can reach a place where you are both happy.

 

Sarah T