That is the question, what is the answer? When I went back to school in my early thirties to study child development, all semester I sat next to a lovely beautiful girl who I thought could be transgender. I never asked her because what if I was wrong? What if she was a genetic female? It's like when you see an acquaintance you haven't seen in a while and go up to her and touch her belly, and with excitement ask, so when are you due, and she gives you a searing look and says, I'm not pregnant! What if my acquaintance/desk mate thought all semester that I MYSELF was a trans woman too? (Ever see that Seinfeld episode where Elaine and a guy were dating and they each thought the other was a minority--black and Spanish...but only in the end they realize that they are both just white?!)

Plus, if she were transgender and I asked, I was afraid she would be wondering what was it about her that wasn't passing. Her forehead? Her voice? A protruding Adam's apple? which I never saw, it's rude to stare!

If you befriend an acquaintance who you thought was transgender, would you eventually ask them, hey are you trans? Or is it/should it be a non-issue? Like, you wouldn't ask someone (a stranger or acquaintance) are you divorced, gay, lesbian, have cancer, have any abnormal genetic body parts, are rich, bankrupt, etc? It's personal...isn't it? I don't know that's why I'm asking!

If you see a transgender person in a grocery store, do you try to bump into them and say hi, I'm trans too? Have you ever been wrong and thought someone was trans when they weren't? Oopsies!

Thanks for answering! I love hearing all your responses and hope to educate myself AND others

I personally prefer to just blend in and if someone asked that question of me, I'd, as you suggested, wonder what it was that made them feel that way enough to ask me.  Being "trans", it would not offend me in the least, but I think we'll always have that in the back of our minds whether or not we truly "measure up" to GGs.  Of course women never feel they are pretty enough and it really blows me away how we are so insecure about ourselves, GG or "trans".  It was more likely to occur in my pre-hormone or early years though than the past 5 or so years where living as female every day has allowed me to develop better social and presentation skills as well as the confidence needed to pass seamlessly in society.  So really, that question would not affect me one way or another and it certainly would not hurt my feelings any.  I am proud of who I am and do not shy away from those that are curious about us and in their uneducated manner, wish to inquire or learn more about our community.  That question probably makes those asking it uncomfortable in asking it and most likely they mean well in asking!  If the question were asked in a confrontational manner, my response to your post would be different.  But thus far, I've never encountered others behaving that way towards me and have learned that people are only trying to understand and perhaps make a connection with me or our world.. 

Hope that all made sense...(smile)

Traci xoxo

This has never come up to be honest although I know on a 'bad' day I have probably raised an eyebrow or two, usually because of my voice. However, I don't hide my past and am open about it as it helps to educate other non tras people who are simply curious to understand. Virtually always they will start with 'can I ask you a personal question?' It's then up to me to say only as much as I feel is necessary in the situation. 

I have yet to be asked by someone who hasn't known me for while and therefore knows I am trans but if they did, to be honest I would be offended as it would make me feel that I've let myself down and am not passing as I should be. 

All in all, it greatly depends on the situation however there is one important point to consider.............

....Would it matter to you if they were? Would it matter to you if they were not? What difference would it actually make to you one way or the other?

If the answer is 'no difference at all' then there really is no need to ask. 

Thank you Traci, Cristine, and Nikki, great answers. I personally think it's a non-issue... I wouldn't ask unless I became good friends with them, in which case they probably would have already told me. OR, if I were not married and I had a romantic interest in them...then I think it would be nice to know in that instance. It must be hard for a transgender/transsexual person to date. When do they tell? The first date? How do they explain? Then the person is not interested, then they have to start all over again, and the cycle continues. Oh no!

Yes, the way it is asked is crucial it seems. Someone curious and open minded, good. Aggressive and confrontational, very bad and you would have to tread carefully, ignore, fib, or placate them and back away.

I suppose I can answer my own question thinking in terms of my particular mixed race heritage...in some ways there are similarities.

As far as "it takes one to know one" I get it in terms of my mixed race/half Asian heritage. Every once in a while I'll see a family walking with their little half Asian kid and think hey, that kid is just like me. I don't talk to them but definitely try to make eye contact to kind of say, hey I'm half Asian too, and...things will be fine, I guess. The problem is, they may not know I'm half Asian, people mistake me for being Hispanic or Latina or just white. Unless they've been around a lot of mixed race Asian people or lived in an Asian country, no one really knows my race upon first glance.

And as far as people (acquaintances/strangers) asking me the question ALL mixed race people get asked multiple times throughout life,

"What ARE you?"...

If I'm in a playful, facetious mood, I'll answer, "A human being."
Them: "No, seriously."
Me: "A woman."
Them: "Come on, you know what I mean. What's your nationality?"
Me: "American. Ohhh, you mean, what's my ETHNICITY? I'm half white and half Chinese."

Other times I ask them..."What do you think I am?" Just to see what everyone is thinking. I've gotten Mexican, Spanish, French, Native American, white, etc. There was one guy behind the deli counter in my local grocery store (about 10 years ago) who shocked me. He said in his thick Italian accent, "You are Chinese and Dutch?" I said well Dutch is definitely a part of my lineage (my maiden last name) along with other eastern European countries, possibly some Italian too. I asked "How did you know? How can you tell?" He said he lived somewhere in Europe where there were a lot of people with my mix. I can't remember where exactly he said...

I try to have a very positive attitude about it as well, to educate others that you CAN be more than one race/ethnicity. But a few years ago, when I heard that the VA has an actual woman's clinic in a different VA hospital (still close to my home), I changed clinics immediately. For 10 years I was going to my general doctor at the downtown VA clinic and would always be approached by men in the waiting room..."Oh, wowwww, you were in the service? Which branch? What is your ethnic background?" One bad experience I had was when some guy started speaking to me in Spanish and I said I didn't understand, I don't speak Spanish. He acted mad after that, muttering something under his breath. First of all, he assumed that I was Mexican, secondly, he was upset that I wasn't in touch with my roots, that I was abandoning my heritage--BUT I'M NOT MEXICAN! I didn't explain ANYTHING to him because it's HIS PROBLEM and like I mentioned above, I don't want to escalate any situation. And why waste my breath explaining to him? For the last three years in the women's clinic, I've had the BEST TIME waiting for my appointments. No talking or at most idle chit chat! I think men in general feel more entitled to approach women and ask personal questions.

Which brings me to my next question. How on earth are people going to enforce the stupid, discriminatory "bathroom laws?" The ones who will suffer the most will be the ones in the beginning stages of transitioning, or poor people. Ones who have perfected their look or have been blessed to have the funds to afford hormones or surgery may be able to sneak by and say "screw you" to the law, they might be okay, hopefully, fingers crossed (no one will know the difference). Who are these people that will dare ask a stranger? And will it get ugly or violent? And will these despicable "bathroom laws" soon be a thing of the past? I hope so...it's getting a lot of attention and a majority of people are not in support of it.

P.S. My husband is multiracial too, at least 4 ethnicities. He gets: Venezuelan, Columbian, Brazilian, Egyptian, Middle Eastern, Armenian, Maltese, French, etc...and he is 0% of ANY of those.

Finally (this was something I learned in a multiracial in America class I took when I went back to university to study child development--it actually applies very well to TGs), as with being multiracial or transgender or just different than others...if someone looks at you funny, raises an eyebrow, or looks confused, or asks what are you...it's not YOUR problem, it's THEIR problem. You don't owe any explanation, so don't put your life on hold or go out of your way to explain if you don't want to.

In less than 50 years, the USA will be comprised of a majority of mixed peoples.  For today's younger folks, it isn't even on their radar.  For people of my generation, it still gets looked upon as in "one ought not marry another from a different ethic race".  Sad, but true...

I have to laugh because my wife is one of 6 kids in her family.  Her father is old school Irish catholic, a real hard ass!  I was his first son-in-law and am half Eastern European and half Irish.  In order, he "welcomed" into his extended family an Egyptian son-in-law, a Puerto Rican son-in-law, a Danish daughter-in-law, a Jewish son-in-law, and an Asian Indian daughter-in-law!  They are all first generation Americans!  I look pretty good measured up to this bigot except for the trans part!  LOL

Traci xoxo

You are absolutely right Lisa, we don't owe anybody an explanation. People will judge and make their own minds up anyway and will treat us accordinglyl, but to be honest, certainly around Europe, it's a non-issue. 

 

Although...........

 

I have actually found that being transgendered is now becoming 'cool' among young people. Perhaps because they generally have less of a negative view of us than previous generations.  

Nikki...I felt for a while that "trans" was the new "hottness.  I know plenty of Hollywood stars have trans GFs on the side...(smile)

There's hope for the future as long the hard headed bible thumpers don't run our country.  Hopefully the GDR is more accepting!

Traci xoxo

Lovely GG Lisa said:
Ever see that Seinfeld episode where Elaine and a guy were dating and they each thought the other was a minority--black and Spanish...but only in the end they realize that they are both just white?!

Wanna go to the GAP?   Sorry. I'm a Seinfeld nerd. I had to chime in although I don't have anything of substance to contribute. Me personally, I would be too shy to ask. It's like gambling. I don't bet unless I know 100% I'm going to win. And at that point, it's not gambling...   WTF did I just type??

 

This post was edited by Katie Conley at June 6, 2016 11:37 PM BST

Yay, another Seinfeld fanatic! Everything in life can be explained by a Seinfeld episode. Yes, the GAP, a quintessential white person's store.

I love your sense of humor, Katie, and I hope you stick around, this wonderful site could use your spunk and pizazz!

As far as asking, you're right, it's a gamble. Some genetic women have masculine facial features. That's life, and that's why these discriminating bathroom laws are going to get dicey, with the Trans police stopping tons of GGs, asking to see their birth certificates! If you didn't know these celebrities, wouldn't you wonder...Grace Jones, Kiera Knightly, Angelina Jolie, Hillary Swank, and I just saw a movie called Agatha (about author Agatha Christie mysterious 11 days as a missing person) starring Vanessa Redgrave, who actually played a transgender woman in an 80's TV movie. The list goes on and on, but there's something about many GGs that can be construed as masculine. Just like many biological men are born with feminine features. My husband has some amazing feminine features and I'm glad he's not trans otherwise I'd be upset because he would upstage me, and we can't have that, now can we! Haha!

Katie...I'm still waiting for your answer to your own question!  LOL

Welcome to the site!

Traci xoxo

Thanks Traci!

 

And, Lisa, I totally get Hillary Swank, but Angelina Jolie and Keira Knightly? Masculine facial features? I don't see it. I think Angelina projects a kind of masculine...attitude or confidence or whatever in her roles, but I never thought of her that way physically before. 

 

In fact, didn't Hillary Swank play a trans person once? A FtM? I can't remember the movie exactly, but I want to say it took place in Texas or something. I remember Hillary Swank wearing a cowboy hat :- /

Yes! Boys Don't Cry! I finally just saw that movie a few years ago, even though I think it was made in the late 90's, but I could be wrong. She did an amazing job portraying a FtM, so believable. She has a boyish face, not that that's a bad thing, she's very cute.

I was looking at Angelina's jawline, it's sorta masculine (and yes she gives off a powerful masculine personality)... I guess picture her with thinner lips and no glam squad around her...maybe MtF looking? And same with Kiera Knightly, no glam squad, just a regular ol' hairstyle...might someone mistake her as MtF? I don't know. The point is not every person fits into the narrow concept of gender that has been created for us. Girls are supposed to have small round faces, big eyes, full lips, soft high pitched voices, long hair, and no muscles. If they stray outside the norm, they are called butch, lesbian, ugly, manly...you look like a man...you're unfeminine...a lot of female athletes get that. Growing up, if a GG was bullied by telling her she looked like a boy, it was the worst thing you could say. And when I did my search of Elizabeth Holmes, who has a deep voice, some comments were...she gives off a transgender vibe, and it was said with negativity/negative comments! So many things wrong with that statement where do I begin?! What's wrong with having a deep voice as a woman? And why bring transgender into it? And most importantly, what's wrong with being transgender?! Nothing! Whew! Okay let me calm down.

Then there are the hot ultra feminine trans women, you know, the beauty queens, models, and people like GiGi Gorgeous. Beautiful hair, round faces, pouty lips, more feminine than ME. They can easily go into those women's bathrooms in those close-minded states with no problems...while cis women with short hair are already being stopped and questioned or harassed by people. Here's one example http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/woman-mistaken-transgender-harassed-walmart-bathroom-article-1.2638748