Hey... so this is my first post on these forums, my name is Alex and for the past few years now, I have began to believe I am transgender MTF, I have been having huge issues with this and its affecting my life dramatically, I was just wondering if I could chew your ear off and ask questions you have probably answered a million times before, I'll try my best not to write my whole life story and ramble on forever.. ok so,

 

All my life I knew something was different about me, but not in the usual ways transgendered kids are, I was a usual boy in every way pretty much, but found I was far more sexually aware of myself, I was that weird kid that would compare penises with other kids at school, kiss them, take photos of my junk when I got my first flip phone etc etc...let's just say I wanted to have sex badly...before I even knew what sex was,

 

growing up I was always interested in girls but was never shy to a guy.. I mean my first 3 kisses were guys lol, but it wasn't till grade 11 that I came out as BI, then a year out of school, it suddenly hit me like a tonne of bricks that I was a girl, I have spent the past year obsessing over the idea, I have hung with friends dressed up, practiced makeup etc, but I have also spent a good deal of that time in counselling (without parents knowing any of this) because I have grown up with ADHD,OCD and later on in early teen years got depression, anxiety and developed tick disorder from my OCD, so its hard for me to know if this is real or just my attempt at an escape from myself as I have been depressed for ******* years.

 

every day I wake up, its the first thing on my mind and the last when I go to bed, I see girls and feel jealous like crazy, I am friends with mainly girls etc etc... but I still snap back and forth between thoughts of "im a girl ...no im a guy" all day every day ... and quite intensively so... my over active brain won't leave me alone and I am incapable of not thinking about things...and this has been first and foremost in my brain for a whole year now! I am totally guyish for the most part, I grew up playing video games, skating, playing guitar etc and still do all of them today, I build and repair consoles and computers, own every console you could possibly imagine and over 20k games both digitally and physically etc... so my interests have never been girly until trying to accept this,

 

the thing that messes with me is that I feel like I'm trying to accept this too much, unlike every other trans person who fights it off till they no longer can, I feel like I'm forcing this and one day ill wake up and go "****...what did I do" I know I can be as guyish as I want and I plan to be a tomboy skater girl, but its hard to say if that's who I am or who I could feel comfortable being cus its close to still being a guy.. this is my mental space every day and its exhausting.

 

to cut a very long story short, I only feel truly happy when I am dressed up, otherwise I constantly feel like a 13 year old ADHD boy who can't grow up, but thinking of myself growing up as a man just makes me see no hope or reason to live...but as a girl I see a life worth living...

 

I guess my question is this, is this sort of back and forth and these experiences I have had, are they normal for trans girls/guys? cus from what I have seen, once they realise, they accept it and it naturally becomes every day.. for me I feel I need to force it.

 

thanks for reading if you actually did, sorry for rambling

Hi Alex. Welcome to GS.
I think Julia is spot on. You are young, you have time and you CAN be what you want to be. I think you should think of a few more straightforward questions and seek the views of the generous people here. Simultaneously, I think a conversation with a confidant or joining a support group may assist. Read up on what help might be available to you in your area. Keep thinking. Again, you have time

Thank you for sharing, Alex. I think it's safe to say all of us who are/were 18 are still in the early stages of figuring out who we/you are in all aspects of our lives. You have a somewhat unique experience in that you suffer from OCD during all of these confusing times. How much of this is OCD and how much of it is being transgender, that is the question! It is hard to answer, and only through much counseling (which I am glad you are doing) can you figure it out yourself.

Try not to fret over things like a tomboy skater girl is close to being a guy. If you feel like a tomboy skater girl...that is still a girl, 100%. Your OCD is definitely making you overthink things. If you feel like you are a girl deep down in your soul, then you are a girl, whether you are a tomboy, skateboarder, have short hair, get a buzz cut (look at the young and beautiful version of Sinead O'Connor) shoot a gun, join the military, or drive a truck!

I'm definitely no expert, so with that said, keep on with the extensive counseling, and please stick around this site! Hopefully this site can help too.

Thank you for the replys ! I will be sticking around this site for a while, thats for sure, you have so many helpful posts and tutorials and so far everyone seems super nice,

Ill try my best not to overthink things haha

thanks again

This post was edited by Alex AKA Alice at June 28, 2016 2:58 PM BST