Hi I'm 19 years old born male and I'm confused about my gender identity. Sometimes i think i am a girl because I have always been shy, polite and honest and I have liked to express myself with female anime music and photos since high school. I often see those music and photos as myself. But I don't talk like those girls like gay men talk if that makes sense.

It's also because being shy I almost never start conversations with people and just like to play guitar and watch anime by myself but feel lonely sometimes too. I did try lipstick once when i was younger too. Researching gender identity and watching transgender videos have kept me up at night because i worry about it.

One of these female anime photos was useful in a difficult time for me to keep me calm. Once when I quit a college course halfway through I didn't leave my house for months, didn't have any friends and still don't and went through that whole lonely lowest time in my life. the anime photo was a shy female anime angel character called kanade looking up at the sky. It's because that anime character is shy that i associate that character with myself.

I have Dyspraxia as well which may be part of why my body posture is awkward, or maybe it's because i'm partly a girl?

I've always been confused about what I am and knew i was different than most people.

 

This post was edited by David Downing at December 4, 2016 9:56 PM GMT

Well, lucky you are a member of a site that can help you and with members who will be your friends and can offer help and support.  So first of all, have you tried to do a clasified ad to find any trans friends or a search for a local LGBTQetc group either near you or online that can offer any kind of assistance.  That might be a good start right there.
Don't be afraid to ask for help from those LGBTQetc friendly groups as that's what they are for and you never know you might make some friends there.  I have been to couple of places like that are friendly and they talk about....well just stuff and not just about LGBT stuff and you can get a free coffee or biscuit as well.
Have you tried to wear any women's clothing either just underwear underneath your male clothing or female clothing around the house with the curtains shut?  This might help you to see if you are comfortable with the idea.  Have you also thought about a female name like for an example Danielle (Dani for short)?
As for myself personally, I feel comfortable both in my male and female mode but have thought more and more about being Suzy.  What I do a lot if with certain computer games I have either taken female charactors or create female charactors to play as which has made me quite comfortable about being female.
I hope this helps

Hi Suzy thank you for your reply

I think searching for a LGBTQ group online sounds like a good idea for me I should try that. I wouldn't be confident enough to go to a LGBTQ group in my area though lol. Though if i did go to one in my area it might help me more than online. ah so many clubs trying to persuade people with coffee and biscuits LOL

 

I think i remember trying to wear womens clothing in primary school because they ran out of boys clothing. When i was trying to find womens clothing to put on i was giving uncomfortable weird looks but it felt exciting at the same time lol. At that age I don't think I thought anything of it, i just thought "how are you supposed to get these on". I remember it felt uncomfortable wearing them but somehow liked playing sports in them at the same time. I feel the same way about womens clothing then as i do now and haven't tried womens clothing since. so it's my love hate secret relationship with womens clothing haha

 

I suprising would like to be called Danielle in it's full name, you found a good name for me lolCool hope you make the choice that's feels right for you Suzy

Reminds me I played my runescape character with a sex change months ago for a while, even though it's online you still get that feeling of what it's like if people saw you as female. I also have feelings for females but not males so i always wanted a girlfriend. Maybe that means i would be a lesbien girl.

Unless it's about topics important to me or topics i am worried about like being confused about gender identity, i've never been that interested in small talk with boys. So if i was female i guess i wouldn't lose anything from males seeing me differently.

 

Glad to help.  There was a place called Gender Matters.  It sort of closed down but the people still meet up at the local LGBTQ place anyway.  But I did go couple of times there although not as Suzy.  This was actually because I wanted to see where the place was and checked it out first.  Sadly I didn't get to be Suzy there or at the LGBT place before I moved.  I am going to do a similar thing where I moved to and after a bit of shopping I should be all set to be Suzy for the day and have that free coffee and biscuits (if they ahven't been eaten before I get there).
 

Did they just meet up outside then if it closed down? Thats cool, may i ask what it was like going to this LGBTQ group? What sort of things do they do in LGBTQ groups where it's not online but in real life? Sounds like an interesting experience to meet lots of different people there.

Oh wow i could never be confident enough to buy girly things in a shop, how do you buy girly things in a shop? Oh cool lol so the coffee and bicuits stratergy actually works?

 

With the group, I just simply went in, introduce myself and then sat down and well just talked about whatever came to mind.  I can be very shy but sometimes I do have confidence in going to places on my own, even though I am nervous at the same time and as I hardly have any friends that know about Suzy or if I do have friends who know about Suzy like here or on other sites, then they are in other parts of Britain or different countries.
As for shopping for female clothing, I was lucky that I found someone who does a serivce that sells, clothing, wigs, etc and does makeovers and even shopping trips.  She's very good and can give you advice and even have a group of trans girls to go shopping if I can remember correctly.  I have done most of my shopping online myself.  The only problem is when you get the wrong item (happened to me) or if it's the wrong size (again happened to me once) but as long as you know what sizes you need, then you are okay.  It's better to be with somone to help and support you though.

More years ago than I care to remember I played pen and paper role playing games I always played female characters. When I moved to computer  game I always like games that I could play as a female character. Even today if I can't play a game as a female character I usually won't play it at all. For me that was one way I could express how I feel inside. Not to mention iliked customizing characters with different hairstyles, makeup, body types, accessories, etc. I feel that for you anime is providing a similar outlet. That you are placing yourself in their role, so to speak.

Suzy has a good point that finding a group in your area where even just talking with people, not about your confusion initially if that is something you aren't comfortable with right away, and listen to their stories would help you find your place.

The LGBTQ group sounds normal to me like any other social group event. I've never really had much social skills, so another part of the feeling is wanting to live a different life even if i dont feel female and have parts of me that sometimes make me feel i am. If that makes sense. I'll keep that in mind that you both think the LGBTQ group was a good idea. Even if i buy female clothes online, still gotta somehow answer the door to recieve the clothes.

That's good that there are people helping trans people in groups not just online, suprises me.

 

Hi Cynthia, to say you only like playing female characters on games helps me to see how much one person can feel female. In comparion I've played male characters many times in video games before. Yeah i can see what you mean with anime being a similiar outlet, just like i can choose which anime girl i might see myself as on google images, you can customize your character with hair and makeup.     

What you need to remember is gender dysophiria manifests in each person differently because we are all unique people. Easy person expresses this idifferent ways because of this. You are in a very lucky to exploring your gender confusion at an early age and time is on your side in that regard. Take your time and figure out who you are see what "feels right" for you.

 

I can relate to the social issues. I am extremely shy and more over dislike groups of more than a few people. I feel awkward and im never sure if i am saying or doing the right thing when interacting with others. My work is helping me overcome this because as part of my job I have at least daily meetings with the othwr  team members. Fortunately it is a small team so it was easier than if I had been a member of one of the larger teama. As I've had more and more of thee meetings I've gotten more comfortable. I have used this i in other areas of my life. I start small and work toward my goals. Some days it is hard and some times it is scarey but in the end it is worth it. Participating socially helped me learn that what I felt I was doing wrong other people are doing just those things. Just be you when you are interacting with others but also try to observe them and remember how they react in different conversations. I know it can be expensive but working with a therapist also helped me out here. I also found one special friend who helped me to the rest of the way to where I am today following my therapist's advice.

I believe i understand what you mean gender dysphoria manifests in each person differently. Because today i discovered something new, there are girls that play metal screaming songs on the guitar like i do and the singing sounds masculine. Yet the girls appear to me like they maintain their female gender identity.

I thought i was exploring gender identity late, some people say they know right from the beginning. My parents said i didn't play with dolls when i was younger, i played with other toys. Yeah "what feels right for you" is a helpful phrase. I have a theory i came up with for gender identity, if i'm the first to think of it. The  theory being "Gender identity is Biological expression and not is but requires either estrogen or testosterone" What do you think of this? I think of expression as art or music, that can't be completly described by words but only by hearing the song or seeing the painting. expression is feelings

 

I dislike groups of more than a few people too. I can relate to feeling awkward because most conversations i have in real life are awkward because i just can't get the feel for it. Like i try to show approval of what people say by saying that's cool and smiling and laughing too much. It's difficult to know for me whether i'm saying the right thing when interacting with others too, because we can't read minds. The only thing i can be certain of sometimes is when i haven't written something bad.

Me having dyspraxia I can definetly relate to starting small as dyspraxia is a learning disability. There's a counselor at college i've been thinking of asking but afraid to ask. the counselor is very kind and assured me that everything is confidential when i went there only for one session months ago, for something else without giving it a chance. That's good you've got a special friend to help you. I can't bring myself to tell anyone else other than my parents, and this gender confusion comes and goes.