What am I?

  • 95

    Hi Zoe,


    Glad you liked my post.  All I can say is be true to yourself.  You talk about Zoe as if she is separate and it is sometimes easy to talk about yourself as two separate people.  But Zoe is not an inner voice, she is you.  So listen to yourself when you hear that inner voice.  Be yourself Zoe.  



      August 19, 2018 9:13 PM BST
  • Hi all, 

    sorry for digging this one out after such a long time. I just really treasure this thread! (Alice I have read your reply many times since!)

    The last year was quite a roller coaster ride. Due to work I was living with my parents again for a good 9 months. (I love them dearly, but there were reasons we moved out when we moved out. Still it was a million times better than living in a hotel.) Zoe was not happy about this though. Even though I had my own room, she had no place there. Gosh I never missed her this much. She was still there, telling me it is alright and she'll get her time again. But it was harder than I ever thought. But it was great having all my friends around again.

    Anyhooo... I am back since a few months now. And for a change the long waiting times with the NHS actually plaid in my favor this time. I got a prescription for 6 sessions of counseling again. And it is going a million times better than the first attempt. I am not blaming the psychologist from my first time. I think it was more me crying for help, yet not willing to lower my defenses and letting him behind all the walls I built. 

    The counselor this time is really great. She has less powers than the 1st to have an ongoing "treatment". So next week will be the last time I'll see her.

    She got me reading. Virgina Erhardts' "Head over Heels" was a tough one. And really made me feel selfish and not taking my partner into account enough. But it also gave me hope that the journey does not have to end in either or.

    After this I went for Rhyannon Styles "New Girl" and had a few giggles realizing how small this island actually is. Trust me, it felt like a village at times.

    I am now almost through "The Gender Games" from Juno Daweson...

    Zoe is compensating for the time she had to hide. I even told a very good friend about her. It wasn't a planned coming out. It just happened. My friend told me one her good friends is getting a divorce because she "discovered" she is a lesbian. My friend said she finds it a bit sad, that you live i a relationship and feel like you can't talk to your partner about things like this, since you don't wake up one morning and decide to be a lesbian. 

    Zoe was just screaming inside and I could not control her. 

    My friend just very calmly replied: "Doesn't surprise me!" Of course our evening went a slightly different road from there. (She decided with me, she now has 2 lesbian friends =) ! If this is box she will put me, I am more than happy to move in there!) I asked her the next, why she said this. "You know, sometimes things just make sense and feel right!")

    She also pretty much told me off for not living the life I want to live. I know, there is still a long road ahead and I am scared as hell! But I am more and more less willing to fight Zoe. I know, she won't have it easy. However she'll have friends who are willing to accept and treasure her. 

    I am dreading the time after next week, after my last counseling session. It was really good to not only have my inner voices fighting each other. And have someone I trusted, respected and who at the same time, managed to share my humor and silliness without ever losing the focus and falling for my attempts to divert when it became to uncomfortable.

    Sorry for the long blah. But I really felt like talking to a "stranger" about this all today. Thanks so much for reading and just being here!


      August 19, 2018 3:04 PM BST
  • Zoe...please always remember that you can change your body to where you resemble nothing at all like your "former self", but that you will always be "you".  That, my girl, is something you'll always be "stuck" with!  (smile)  So the best advice I can offer is to learn to accept and love yourself just the way you are.  It's going to be the only "you" you'll ever get!

    Best wishes always...


    Traci xoxo

      June 17, 2017 6:16 PM BST
  • Hi Alice,

    I am so sorry for the late reply. My boss had send me away and I did not get much time to catch up with life. (It's a good thing sometimes ;) !)

    Thank you so much for your reply! I read it at least 3 times! (unfortunately I was only able to hit the thank you icon once :s)


    The reason I would ask is to have other people confirm my own self view so that I am not just talking to my own inner voices.


    I just feel stuck with my voices and emotions. All the ifs and buts. The voices shouting "you are an idiot". "Be grateful for what you have." "There is no magic pill.", "Your body is just a shell. another body will not change who you are." And the others whispering: "But this is not me!"

    The emotional rollercoaster on days the emotions get too much and I really want to talk to someone about it. Just to hear the voices spelling it out loud. Then getting angry and frustrated because I don't feel there is someone I can. Not even my best friends or partner I usually really share everything with. Who know me! Well, apart from this side.


    I will try to give the professionals another shot. Maybe this time will be better.


    Thanks so much for all your replies. This really helped a lot!



      June 17, 2017 10:23 AM BST
  • 95

    Hi Zoe,


    I have been thinking about how to answer or help you for a day or so.  So I am not sure, but here goes:


    What am I?  This is also something that I have asked myself.  This is only something that you can answer.  I have been tempted to ask that in forum as well.  The reason I would ask is to have other people confirm my own self view so that I am not just talking to my own inner voices.  So I would say that you already know who and what you are.  Trust your instincts.


    You mention hormones and the fact that you pass a mirror and are gutted that you see a man in a dress and not a woman.  This again confirms who you are inside.


    The thing is that we are all afraid of being unloved.  We all change for our partners.  Some will take hormones, but will not have the final operation, since our partners do not want us to.  In your case your partner wants to date a man in drag and not a trans woman.  So it is a question of which is greater, your need to be you, or your need to keep your partner.  One of my favourate quotes comes from an old James Mason movie "The measure of love is what you are willing to give up for it".


    So you know what you are.  The fact that it is tearing you up inside and have come here speaks volumes.  So if you value your relationship, you will try to accomodate.  But if you value yourself and can not imagine the rest of your life living a compromise, well you get the idea.  I am not sure how to help you with this, because you know this and what you may need to do.


    So if you go onto hormones, be prepared for a bit of mental re-wiring.  Traci has given some good advise.  All I can tell you is to trust your instincts and be true to yourself.  I think that if your instincts are telling you to take hormones, then everything else will work itself out.  You may lose your partner, but you will also regret that you didn't do everything to be true to yourself and may even end up hating your partner if you feel that they have stopped you becoming yourself.  


    It is easy for me to say that you should go for it, as I have only just met you, but you already know what you want to do.  


    So, be true to yourself.  Be happy and be safe.



      June 13, 2017 9:57 PM BST
  • Zoe...what worked for me and probably ought to with everyone else is to transition very, very slowly.  Start "small" and do not, under any circumstances, reveal yourself to the world.  By taking baby steps and slowly changing the way you look and dress, you will allow others to "transition" with you.  There will be no "shock" compared to just telling everyone you are now a woman!!!  In fact, many will say "I knew it was just a matter of time" and just go along with you without "losing" them.  I'd say that my "losses" are about 25% of my circle of family and friends and I'm still happily married after almost 8 years now!!!  When you drop "the bomb" suddenly, most people do not know what to think nor how to react and are just not ready to deal with it.  And once you let the cat out of the bag, you'll never be able to put her back in!!  Plus, it becomes so easy for them to just "walk away" from you forever rather than to see you slowly morph while observing that you, the true person, has not changed a bit!  For hormones will not change you, only temper and soften some "rough edges".  If you enjoy driving fast cars or motorcycles pre-HRT/transition, you're still going to enjoy years later!  What does change other than some obvious physical changes, is that you will now have the ability to see the world around you "clearer" while former layers of anxiety, anger, aggression, and the like will melt away.  You will become more adapt at finding solutions, compromises to problems and issues rather than a prior male like need to "win" or "dominate" everything.  you're probably going to become a whole lot easier to get along with.


    These points are simplified, but hold true for the most part.  I do strongly suggest that you have your "stuff together" going into transition for if you're confused, mentally unstable, and depressed, etc., no amount of hormones will "fix it".  So do "have it together" when you finally take that step!!


    Best wishes always!


    Traci xoxo

      June 11, 2017 9:53 PM BST
  • Hi Zoe
    Welcome and thank you for being brave enough to open up. Please be reassured, there are members of this site - probably many of us, who are still challenged by or whose lives are complicated by how they feel, and what they feel they should be or perhaps are. You are most definitely not alone. What we all share is a pair of ears, eyes and roughly a heart apiece. Good luck, Rachel
    a girl at heart and a proper person too
    This post was edited by Rachel de Blanc at June 11, 2017 5:34 PM BST
      June 11, 2017 5:24 PM BST
  • Zoe, Gender therapists are trained to cope with the issues we go through,   You did not offend me, that is the last thing you should think,   I cannot tell you what to do, there are those that will say go for it.   I lost all my family, pursuing a need, I was 12 years old, did'nt understand my feelings,  A choice was made for me. I had great difficulty trying to understand at that age how people who should have looked after me, rejected me.   Take your time, do not do anything in haste, some parents and family will understand, people need educating,  Ihere are countless physical and clinical reasons to feel the way you do.    It's not as if a person wakes up one day and decides they are different,    For instance did you know that some of us are born with female brains, sometimes mutated chromosones can affect how our bodies develop and the way our brains function.   Then the need for change never goes away.    

    Cristine Jennifer Shye** Beware the toes you tread on today, they might be attached to the arse your forced to kiss tomorow. Contenplating involvement with a man? Make sure you can cook realy well or face having sex on a regular basis. Men are like paving slabs, lay them properly, they will stay put and you can walk over them for ever.
    This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at June 11, 2017 4:38 PM BST
      June 11, 2017 4:36 PM BST
  • Hi Tracy and Christine,

    many thanks for the war welcome. 

    I say enjoy your journey

    I wish I could. I am sure all of you fought with the voices in your head. All the ifs and buts. I do envy everyone you did do the step to tell the world: "I am done with this. Take me as I am or leave it!"

    We are humans and emotions are a weird thing. I am scared to lose people I deeply care about. It is easy to say "If they don't accept you who you are, they are not worth it."

    "I suggest you see a therapist that is familiar with Gender Identity Issues, rather than someone that has no clue about what is involved."

    Easier said then done. Last time I managed to get a referal directly to a more specialist therapist. But I was on a 6 month waiting list. And for the right and wrong reasons on both sites, it was a complete desaster. 

    I booked an appointment with my GP to ask for another referal already. Hope I won't chicken out. 

    Why is it so hard to talk to someone about this? Why is it such a daunting topic to tell people who know you better than your own family. 

    Well, you all know, it is not "a phase" and it won't "go away". 

    Suppose Kurt Marti is right: "Where would we be if we all just sat there and said ‘where would we be now’, but nobody was prepared to go and find out where we would be if we actually went."


    but we are not just any internet site, we care and share, have an empathy with each other, try to help and support people, people here listen and know ho you feel.

    I know Christine. Sorry I did not want to offend you. Is it sad, that it is easier to talk to strangers about something that is such a big part of us than people close to us who we should talk to? 

    Sorry, I am actually quite a fun person. Just at the moment feel I can't live with the status quo anymore but I am not prepared to lose anything I care about either. 

    Emotions ;)

    Have a lovely Sunday!

      June 11, 2017 3:02 PM BST
  • Welcome Zoe, a very poignant posting, but we are not just any internet site, we care and share, have an empathy with each other, try to help and support people, people here listen and know ho you feel.   I suggest you see a therapist that is familiar with Gender Identity Issues, rather than someone that has no clue about what is involved.

    Cristine Jennifer Shye** Beware the toes you tread on today, they might be attached to the arse your forced to kiss tomorow. Contenplating involvement with a man? Make sure you can cook realy well or face having sex on a regular basis. Men are like paving slabs, lay them properly, they will stay put and you can walk over them for ever.
    This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at June 10, 2017 5:56 PM BST
      June 10, 2017 4:38 PM BST
  • As you have discovered, the infamous gender "binary" is not so black and white...and guess what? The earth didn't come crashing down! (smile) It would be definitely a kinder, gentler, and even more colorful and interesting world if others would recognize this. Sadly, when people look inside and find something "amiss" in the form of a thought, desire, or fantasy even, they tend to lash out at that very feeling and those who might embrace it. Hence, we get to the place we are today where it's either "black or white", living in an "absolute" world.
    I say enjoy your journey and do not fear others judging you in here...do share your thoughts and feelings often!

    Traci xoxo

      June 10, 2017 4:29 PM BST
  • Hi :),

    my appologies, if I chose the wrong forum. 

    And I am sure, what will follow will in some shape or form been posted here somewhere a (felt) million times. But I just need to write it down and tell someone. The internet is patient and a great listener. Sometimes rubbish in giving advise or even mean. But you can hide behind a keyboard and a screen and create the character you want. Yes, the mask will fall eventually...

    Anyway, I am sure you got the point ;).

    I am at the end of my 30s and weird in many ways. I have been batteling with my inner voices since I am a teenager. I was jealous of women. What they wear, their hair, make up, skin... I wanted to be like them.  

    I wore my 1st dress when I was 20. A friend gave it to me, when she blackmailed me to come to her birthday party with a crossdressing theme. (I never gave it back.) For everyone it was fun. But for me it was torture. I loved wearing it. And I certainly spend a lot of time looking at me wearing it in the mirror. (before and after the party) It felt right and wrong at the same time. The worst was, I looked like a guy wearing a dress.

    I fell in love quite a few years later. It took not long and our relationship became a rollercoaster right. I had a lot of female friends as flat mates and most of my friends are female. But it was different sharing a life this close with someone, you are jealous of their body. Eventually I confessed to her. 

    I bought my first nighty and a few months later my very first dress. When our relationship was at a breaking point because I was an emotional a*** again, I approached my GP and asked for a referal to a psychologist. Well, this did not go well. 

    At the time she told me, she does not have a problem with me wearing dresses. But she believes it would be the end of our relationship if I were to start taking hormones. And I really understand this. 

    Since then my wardrobe is split. I wear dresses, skirts and tights almost every weekend, feeling good, scared (it is too much for her) and sad (everytime I pass a mirror and see a guy in womens cloth). I went to see a make up artist and to a wig shop when I managed to send my inner voices on a brief holiday. I liked how it felt - but hated how it looked. 

    I only ever used my biological gender in an online forum once. All other times you'll meet me as a woman. I never lie apart from the name and suppose giving this way the impression to be another person. But everything else is true.

    I am feeling trapped and scared.

    As I said in the beginning, I just had to tell someone. So thank you internet for beeing a great listener.




    This post was edited by Zoe Hall at June 10, 2017 5:58 PM BST
      June 10, 2017 2:52 PM BST