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  • Topic: ALL HOPE IS GONE =(

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    • November 29, 2017 4:07 PM GMT
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      ALL HOPE IS GONE =(

        Why? Why did I have to be born like this?  I have finally hit the lowest part in life and am struggling to keep my chin up.  I am in a relationship with a ciswomen who hates that I am trans.  I have a mother who doesn't understand or support my decision.  I have no options... if I leave my wife I have nowhere to call home.  No one will look into how I am suffering and put themselves into my shoes.  My wife says she feels bad and wishes there was something she could do but she is one of the people who doesn't want me to take HRT. All the people in my life just want to look the other way when it comes to this issue but seem to be very opinionated about my other medical issues that I am ignoring because I just don't care anymore.  I am letting myself die because I feel all hope is lost.  I have a therapist and even she doesn't know what to say. Have any of you ever had similar problems?

    • November 29, 2017 8:26 PM GMT
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      Must be very hard...but keep your chin up...things will get better. You have no choice.

    • November 30, 2017 1:30 AM GMT
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      Question for you Julie?

       

      Did you just drop the bomb on everyone all at once?

       

      Best wishes always...

       

      Traci xoxo

    • November 30, 2017 1:56 PM GMT
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       I would not just drop a bomb like that.  My wife knew that I was CD but we never discussed it any further and my mother has known for the last 10 years.  I know that it is a very difficult issue for some people to wrap their head around but when you don't do any kind of research to help your loved one, then what?  I am not right in my head and my heart but all my loved ones care about is my overall health.  As much as I appreciate that I need a little more.  My wife would support me if something medically caused me to have to remove my male bits and pieces but why not when I feel they don't belong in the first place?  She is not attracted to females but if I developed gynecomastica she would be supportive. I just don't understand why no one wants me to be happy.  I am trying to keep everyone else happy, where is my support?

    • November 30, 2017 4:54 PM GMT
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      Hi Julie...my wife and family and I had similar reactions and for the longest time I could not understand why they couldn't "understand" what I was going thru.  They simply do not embrace it at all, but somehow I was able to hold the marriage together almost 10 years downstream.  I truly love my wife and vice versa and I wanted "my cake and eat it too".  She would be totally unhappy in an lesbian relationship and all as well...but what I did not recognize was seeing it all thru their eyes.  They would stand to lose a husband, a father, and all that that had meant to them.  Nobody wanted this outcome...so despite my reassurances that even though I'd physically morph and look different, I was still the exact same person inside that they always knew and loved.  Nothing would change there.  Hormones do not make you a different person, they just align yourself with "yourself".  It took a lot of time and plenty of tearful and very difficult conversations, but eventually we came to some agreements, compromises if you will, that allowed us to remain together.  With over 8 years of estrogen running my endocrine system, a ton of inner turmoil evaporated to where I no longer HAD to live 24x7 as me.  I simply was ME regardless of how I presented.  I learned to accept and love myself just the way I am and we knew that our marriage could remain intact, but only with a set of compromises.  While not perfect, it was enough for me and worth the sacrifices in order to hold us together.  Basically the compromises consisted of me agreeing to not appearing as "Traci" around the house in front of her and also our common circle of friends and neighbors.  In return, she gives me daily space to pursue whatever.  I am retired and have the luxury of ample free time.  So I'm out and about daily in femme and have developed my own circle of friends and interests.  She is also OK with me traveling to events and meeting up with others.  But I have morphed both externally and internally and am comfy presenting in drab or femme and when with her, appear mostly androgynous.  Either way I look, I'm just in a happy place.  

      So I'd suggest, rather than a "must win" approach with your family, have discussions that work toward suitable compromises that gradually allow you to climb toward your goals.  Over time you can add this or that and inch your way forward.  To me at least, this seems a far more reasonable solution than to just put it out there in an "all or nothing" situation.  That is if you desire to keep your marriage and family intact!

      I hope this is helpful and wish you the best going forward!

      Traci xoxo

    • December 1, 2017 8:40 PM GMT
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      Wow, deja vu. It was actually 11 years ago this week I first told my wife what was going on with me. I had unbeknownst to her been on hormones for a year and a half at that point, and yes, there was some breast growth occurring. If you do a search in the forums for "The Evolution of Marsha"  https://gendersociety.com/forums/topic/4768/the-evolution-of-marsha , that's me when I had a different profile here, you can read about my journey with my family all the way up to my surgery in Bangkok. It's not all sugar coated and rosy, it's the real deal.

      But here I am 11 years later, 7 years post op, and now 2 years divorced but with my family still supportive, now being able to tell you for me it was worth it. Like you, I wanted my family and friends to be excited about my transition and happiness, but early on it wasn't there. One of the biggest things I learned in my transition is that we do not transition alone. Everyone in our lives also must transition along with us, except they did not have a choice in the matter. Instead they are forced to go through our transition, and because of that just like us, they must make life changing decisions on how they will live their own lives from that point forward. So put away the selfish be happy for me attitude, and instead, step into their shoes for a moment and attempt to understand what they are going through.

      I don't know you, and therefore can't say one way or another if a full transition is right or wrong for you. I can only recommend you do some serious soul searching and should you choose to proceed with transitioning, you understand and need to be prepared for the worst, the loss of family, friends, work and finances, and pray to God it doesn't happen to you.

      Transition is not fun and games. I consider myself fortunate to have successfully transitioned and now living a rather normal and productive life as most women do. But even with that said, still today I say I wish I could have been born normal. Nobody wants to be trans.

      This post was edited by Cristine Shye. BL at January 29, 2018 10:01 AM GMT
      ____________________________________

      Just living my dream in paradise :)

    • January 25, 2018 3:15 PM GMT
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       But even with that said, still today I say I wish I could have been born normal. Nobody wants to be trans.   

      Marsha nailed it in that one brief sentence.   There is always hope and there are lots of women on this site that have hoped and achieved happiness and contentment.

      ____________________________________
      Cristine Jennifer Shye B.acc. BL (GS Admin) Tongue out





      Don't get angry
      when others are talking behind your back... because they're just proving
      that your life is obviously more interesting than theirs.
    • January 27, 2018 9:30 PM GMT
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      I understand how you feel love, for a long time I knew I was different I always felt a bit odd/not the same as everyone else, even some of my friends told me at times I was more like a girl, I didn't understand what they meant, by the time I started to "find myself" I had a family and also a career so I just ignored it, family grew up "so did I" and went with it all my family know (3 daughters 2 grandsons) they have been great, my wife tries to to be supportive but struggles with it ( I think she is hoping that it's just a fad and will pass ) I'm seriously looking for somewhere else to live, as at the moment I'm stuck in limbo and can't move on. So, anyone live in York Leeds area and would like a lodger ( I'm very well house trained ), I would love to hear from you.

    • January 29, 2018 10:27 AM GMT
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      Hi Julie, I have a similar experience to Traci,Marsha,and Denise.Wise words.Just to say that as a Transwoman, you have to build that hope.
    • February 1, 2018 2:05 AM GMT
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      Hi Julie, Others,

      I'm new to this forum but have been around the internet since it started, through that time I've always tried to help others where I could.

       

      I'm now 43, but I came out to my sister first when I was 22.

       

      She was all supportive to my face even helped with clothes and stuff, but was being nasty about me behind my back.

       

      When I was 23, I kind of figured the family were going to know so best I told them all at once, so I wrote a letter and sent it to all of them.

       

      I sat there at home alone for 2 days waiting for the sh*t to hit the fan, and it was strange how it all turned out.

       

      My sister still pretended she was fine with it, dad & step mom were fine with it, so was both step sisters, most of them I thought would be dead against it.

       

      My real mom tried her best to get her mind around it, but in the end she just couldn't. (expand on that shortly).

       

      Luckily I never got involved in relationships so that was one hurdle I didn't have to deal with.

       

      My mom actually had a girls night out with me in Manchester just to see what it was all like.

       

      So I have to give her credit that she really did try to see things from my point of view.

       

      One night my mom had got seriously drunk and very aggressive with me, and where I normally just said thats it am off home, that night I didn't, I was like ok what is your problem with me? lets get this thrashed out once and for all.

       

      She said I had one boy and one girl, I don't want to loose my son.

       

      I said but you ain't loosing your son because I've never felt like a boy, and you still loved the person I am, just because I want rid of my penis doesn't make me any different as a person.

       

      To which my mom replied but you will never be my little boy anymore, he'll be dead and gone.

       

      We were always close as we were all each other had, but after that night that special bond we had was broken.

       

      Over the years I distanced myself away from everyone, one by one those in the family that either didn't mind either way or actively supported me died, then 8 years ago the last one to go was my mom.

       

      Like you Julie I too have health problems, those thoughts at back of my mind saying f*ck it who cares? live or die what does it matter? sometimes they shout the loudest and its really hard to not go with them, other times I'm more on the up and up and feel like there is hope.

       

      My advice to you is this, as it is how I live my own life.

       

      Make a list of the things you want to do, then break the list down in how you are going to make it happen, do not include anything that you need others to help you with it, the lists are there as if you was living alone in a bedsit somewhere with no support at all.

       

      Only once you can get that mentality of I can do this alone, can you then have the strength to deal with those who are both for you and against you.

       

      Now as others have said they've made things work by compromising, what things if any could you compromise on? how far could that compromise go? do you feel if you made that compromise, could you live with it for the rest of your life?

       

      One thing I would say though, if you are sticking to the all or nothing approach, look for alternative accommodation, check housing associations and private landlords, get some money saved up, find a gender counsellor rather than a normal one, they understand your feelings more.

       

      Get as much sorted as you can before you really cross lines and bridges that can't be returned from, doesn't help the pain and heartache but it really does help you move on quicker while dealing with it.

       

      I hope that helps in some way, but never ever give up hope, as the brightest stars shine most clear in the darkest of skies.

       

      Blessed Be xx

      This post was edited by Taylor Paige at February 1, 2018 2:11 AM GMT
    • February 9, 2018 7:32 PM GMT
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      OMG yes!!!  Do have a backup plan, a place to live, steady income, etc...to come out without this is a recipe for utter disaster!  You are going to lose many in your life...so DO learn to love and accept yourself as you are first!!  Once you hit that place, make sure you have that backup plan!  Society is NOT going to open their arms and welcome another woman into this world!!

      Best wishes always!

      Traci xoxo

    • February 9, 2018 9:29 PM GMT
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      If you need any help, let me know xxXxx

      ____________________________________
      Cristine Jennifer Shye B.acc. BL (GS Admin) Tongue out





      Don't get angry
      when others are talking behind your back... because they're just proving
      that your life is obviously more interesting than theirs.
    • February 18, 2018 2:59 PM GMT
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      I am at that stage of 'on the cusp of full transition'.  At my age (70) however, I believe the route is easier than for younger girls. I have been on hormones for nearly 2 years, am out to my primary care physician and practice nurse team, and my wife (although we are divorced) we are 'besties'.  I have a referral to the main GIC in London, and intend to follow their guidance probably, leading to complete legal transition.

      However, we all have to transition those around us, and we have to 'keep it real'! One unexpected result is hormones decrease the the desire to 'dress in frocks and the like'. I stick to plain big knickers under ware, ladies jeans ,and shirt blouses.  I am growing my hair out, but surprisingly female friends find it great and rather eccentric! I do wear suitable outwear coats and shoes, but feminise it with bright scarves etc, I always use a cross over small purse/bag, and wear a pleasant fragrance.  I'm finding this is slowly accustoming folks that I am changing (into what maybe unknown, but hey at my age they probably find it eccentric and attractive.) I find compliments on dress to cis women  opens up loads of opportunities to talk fashion trends without referring to my own transition.  You know, they are pretty smart and can work things out,  but I never present in ' full in your face femme', but also not completely drab.  I am experimenting and learning every day. Keeps me young at heart at least! Hope this might help any folks with doubts.  Do do have a plan though, and be ready to adapt.

      Regards  Sally

    • February 19, 2018 1:52 PM GMT
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      Thanks for this post Sally,

           It is revealing that you talk about the "unexpected result is hormones decrease the the desire to 'dress in frocks and the like'".,as from my own experience [5years on hormones, 1year post op] I see this as a small past phase in the longer gradual process of transition and self realization.Pre transition"dress in frocks" characterises the unresolved transgender person, in which there are phases of desperate wanting expressed as actions to be recognised and not expected to be something you feel an internal opposition too.Nowadays I tend to dress in quite a subdued fashion,rarely frocks, as I live in the country side , and theres just so much rain and mud, plus having 2 dogs, one only 8 months with muddy paws always jumping up.Practically to fit in with my long term partner , I do a lot of things in the background to make life easier.So thats my guiding way.--Adaption in a word..The important thing is to be considerate of other people.I tend to stick to the old school belief of "Treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself".

      Life for a transgendered person and those close to them is difficult , but it is not impossible.A transgender person needs to build the hope in their own life situation, and importantly show that this hope makes a beneficial difference and is necessary.

       One thing I would like to say is that the physical process of Transitioning Male to Female, has got a lot  better after GRS .Personally I think the reason for this is that Pre GRS ,when I was having Hormones and Testosterone blocker.After GRS there is no need to have the T blocker.Its difficult to say You have a completely Ojective perspective being on the inside whilst all these drugs are working, but post GRS I can say that I definitely feel a lot healthier overall.

      Time to take dogs for a walk and clean the house!!

      Kind Regards to All at GS

      Donna

    • February 19, 2018 3:46 PM GMT
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      Hi Donna,

      Thanks for the reply. We don't choose to be as we are, but that said I have never been so relaxed, and suffer less anxiety than ever before. I am beginning to embrace the idea of full transition and hope for GRS( if permitted at my age).  I just feel this is where I should be. Anyway I could not have continued they way it was!  My glass is now half full!

      Many thanks again

      Regards Sally

    • February 19, 2018 3:46 PM GMT
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      Hi Donna,

      Thanks for the reply. We don't choose to be as we are, but that said I have never been so relaxed, and suffer less anxiety than ever before. I am beginning to embrace the idea of full transition and hope for GRS( if permitted at my age).  I just feel this is where I should be. Anyway I could not have continued they way it was!  My glass is now half full!

      Many thanks again

      Regards Sally

    • February 19, 2018 11:49 PM GMT
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      I can relate a lot to the not dressing the same while on hormones.

      When I had to stop taking hormones or reduce amount due to lack of money to buy them, the need to get dressed up to feel girlie gets really intense.

      Once I get back on the testosterone blockers its like I have no interest in dressing up girlie, quite happy to wear the normal everyday mundane female clothes, causal top and trousers and stuffs.

      Only thing I can think of is that because we know we are female in our minds, but body telling us it's not, probably more so for those of us with lots of body hair thats dark and really stand out, we do anything we can to make ourselves feel and look feminine.

      Once we get on the hormones and especially the testosterone blockers, and the hairs get lighter and softer, and the lack of penile erections and other manly things, we not have to go to same lengths to feel natural and we're more content in ourselves.

      Thats my theory anyway.

    • February 20, 2018 7:05 PM GMT
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      I have always said about the knowing and the what the hell. before the no return point, it was get home get dressed up, now it's with the knowledge of who I really am, get home kick of the shoes, strip off, put on some scruffy well worn comfy clothes, chill out and who gives a sh attitude.  

       

      If anyone needs help with paper work, please do not hesitate to ask.

      ____________________________________
      Cristine Jennifer Shye B.acc. BL (GS Admin) Tongue out





      Don't get angry
      when others are talking behind your back... because they're just proving
      that your life is obviously more interesting than theirs.

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