Hi Rachel,

I remember you and hope you accept my friend request. I feel much the same way as you do. My heart aches as I wake up each morning and have to put on a male mask.  Like you, I've purged several times, as living the dual life hurts. I've mistakenly justified the purging as seeking a simpler life.  The hope was that living as my physical gender would simplify things. However, it only worked for a small time. The real me always emerges and starts to resent the person I have to pretend to be. That's when I realize how much I've wasted/lost by denying my true self. 

The one thing that has been a cherished constant is my friendship with a wonderful woman named Cynthia. She was the first one to accept me as Michelle.  She transitioned a few years ago, and understands me like a sister. She has seen me through several cycles of elation, denial, purging and stood by me each time. Lately, I've begun to have romantic feelings for her, but haven't acted on them for fear of hurting our sisterhood.  In a perfect world, I would act on those feelings (as Michelle), embracing her with all my heart and try to live the rest of my life loving her as we share our lives together.  

I would be so happy to know that you are alive and well.

I first came to TW in late 2005. I was in a bad way, with thoughts of ending my life. I had lived, off and on as female for a number of years at the time I found TW. I was, also, on my 10th year of living with HIV. I was just beginning to come out and was seeing a therapist. Well, ladies, that did not go very well. My identity was not accepted well. I withdrew back to the person everyone knew. Since that time, I married a great woman. She is unaware of my other side. Honestly, I would rather she not know the half of me that has been me since birth. I have purged several times since I was a child. I guess, this time is the last. I do not relish living without the feeling of being a woman. I do not like being a man. I have always felt as if I am  a female. I have been this way for 60 years. I know I will never be the pretty girl that men drooled at when I was myself when I was so much younger. But, life is not always the dream in our heads. I just hope that we, as transgendered, can realize that this is our reality and not go beyond the extreme. I am so heart broken that Meredith passed the way that she did. She encouraged me. Life can be hard for a transgendered individual. But, only if we let it be. I am living as full time male. Although, I still can not walk past the women's section in a department store without thinking "Damn, I would look good in that"!!!

If you remember me, please friend me. Especially, someone from England. We use to chat about wigs and strutting down the streets of London. Maybe one of these days.

LuvHugKis, Rachel