I don't pass

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  • I don't. Its not that people read me and only ever see me as a guy in womens clothing, as its not the case. What I am trying to say is I have given up on trying to pass.

    I used to put alot of effort into passing. Watching what I said how I said it, how it sounded, how the person responded when I said it. I also put alot of effort to walk like a lady, to sit like a lady, to eat, breathe and be a lady. I was very consious of all these things and more. I would be upset when I would be doing all these things right but still get read. Or how I did something poorly and get away with it. But no more.

    I relise that every day people come into contact with differnet examples of women. Some if you broke down and scruninised their actions and behaviours you'd be sure they had been born male too, but they haddn't and no one ever thought they had. Why then? When I worked so hard to get things right and didn't always achieve my outcome when she didn't put in any effort and always was thought of as female? It was simply because I tried.

    Women don't work at be female, its natural. So when I gave up trying and was just doing my thing, it worked best. I don't look perfect, far from it. I really want ffs, but I don't get read anymore and if I did I wouldn't know it as I don't try to be female anymore. I act like me and do you know what? I AM female and I DO act female and I DO sound female.

    So my tip? Well its simple, work hard to get everything right at first so that you know what you have to do. Don't expect to get it right all the time. Then when you have been doing it awhile forget it, stop trying. It should be natural.

    I noticed this recently. I was just thinking and writing in my diary and relised that I don't try anymore and that its probably the best thing I could do. I now have to learn about men.
    To love what one has is to be resigned to never get what one wants. Natalie Clifford Barney.
      December 24, 2004 12:51 PM GMT
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    sure- Fiona if Your'e not getting paid to get up on stage and look more female than Marylin Monroe, who cares? Personal choice and accountability - There You GO girl!
    ..he just can't help "Herself" ..
      December 24, 2004 7:40 PM GMT
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  • fiona,

    I think you may be right. I have noticed that many ggs are not very "femme". Many don't even walk very femme. I think the key is they are not "masculine". Avoiding classically masculine behavior is probably more important than trying to look effeminate. Don't worry about crooking the little finger daintily when sipping tea, but do be careful to not sit with your knees way apart wearing a dress/skirt for example. No gg shows her panties off....that way...unless she's selling it. If you avoid the obvious faux pas, you avoid drawing attention. Tension is a big attention-catcher....we are hardwired to look at tense people...they are predators or fearful and both situations require paying attention in order to survive the danger their tension represents. People tend to ignore us unless we do something ACTIVE to get their attention, because most people are "lazy-lookers". I am trained to scan people around me but most people do not because it takes a lot of energy and brain-multitasking. So most people will not notice an absence of "femme", unless directly interested in you as an individual. If you stay relaxed you don't look overtly masculine. Clenched fists and strutting will definitely get you read. Of course, there is not a lot to do about silhouette recogniton other than body shaping, but I have seen a lot of big, heavy girls who still are unmistakably girls despite a refrigerator figure that is not at all femme as well as an aggressive personality and hostile manner. Yet, they are undoubtably girls. Why, cause they don't broadcast "masculine" with giveaway gestures, postures. They certainly don't scratch their..... The point is avoid the giveaway signs of being male, and like Fiona says you will often pass. If you don't pass 100% people may hesitate to make a social faux pas and suggest your are not a woman. All that aside, if you are going to live as a woman and enjoy it, you can't be spending all your energy passing or you won't enjoy life. In time you will build habits and it will be effortless. In some cases the hardware that controls your behavior style may be in your brain waiting to be turned on. Certainly many of us have experienced problems "turning the Girl off" when we go back into male-mode.

    I'm not speaking from TG experience out in public...I have almost none, [but I do have experience altering my appearance with a few minor changes and the way I walk and am very successful at it; even my ex (lover of 15 years) did not recognize me...she once got a gun out because I walked up the street and came back looking so different she thought i was a different race, age and a potential danger, just because I rearranged my clothes and changed my walk. It was the middle of the night, nobody was out, a quiet street and she KNEW I was coming back...but she SAW a total stranger. I know about human perception].

    I'm not advocating everyone go full-time or even public....that is your choice. But if you are out you can minimize the number of times you get read and to what degree, and if you do get read at least you will be more relaxed and enjoying yourself more.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      December 24, 2004 7:43 PM GMT
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  • I think you both, Fiona and Wendy, are right.
    It is much more what you don´t do than what you do. If you see an exaggerating cocette you for sure throw a second look to see who that crazy person is. Even if she would be a GG.
    The best way to pass is not to awake too much interest. To blend in. For a tall girl it is not always easy... Don´t make up too much, don´t use evening dresses in rush hour buses...etc.
    You see...it is full of don´ts .

    Laura
      December 28, 2004 10:53 AM GMT
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  • Laura,

    Was there a conscious change from male behavior patterns to female patterns for you, or did it just start leaking out and happening without conscious effort, or did you just stop making a conscious lifelong effort to behave according to male patterns and let your natural behaviors surface?

    Was it sudden or gradual or were there sudden bursts of change?

    Anybody else?
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      December 29, 2004 7:59 AM GMT
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  • Wendy,
    I think its alot of little things over awhile although you tend to notice a bunch of them together. You start by working on them and then forget it and relise later that awhole lot of little things are adding up. Its a sudden relisation of little thing seeping out.
    To love what one has is to be resigned to never get what one wants. Natalie Clifford Barney.
      December 29, 2004 8:07 AM GMT
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  • Wendy

    I think it is a little bit of all. I had many female traits hidden underneath that had to be just let free. I have always walked like a woman, thrown a ball like girls...that´s what I heard from my environment. I have always peed while sitting. Kept my knees together when standing or sitting.
    I have not added anything consciously, but people say I smile much more than before, talk more, also with my hands.

    Laura
      December 29, 2004 8:51 AM GMT
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  • Sandra,

    I can't class myself as a "true TS"; if I am it will be a "true shock" to me. What I have been aware of all my life is the act of, but not the causative factor, working hard at being "masculine".

    I can remember actively doing things to make myself appear more masculine. At 17 I even set a 10-yr plan to be macho. Learning to behave, walk, move, think and feel like a macho male. Martial arts (0200 in the lounge on a rug covered concrete floor to practice Jujitsu), military training, becoming a drill instructor poured into a uniform that gleamed...volunteering for the extra combat training and taking over units...landing dates with the desirable girls, then multiple girls, becoming a "win at all costs" mentality, soccer goalie in college, pistol club, horseback riding, rock climbing, camping, becoming someone other men stepped aside for and followed.

    But it was all acquired behavior to cover my natural behavior which was soft, gentle, quiet, timid person who wanted to be left alone, not to hurt someone. There are even old, perhaps pre-teen feminine sexual tendencies I had buried yet which leaked out all my life. I didn't have much interest in girls until testosterone hit hard, in my late teens. I think it was, in reality, my doing the reverse of behaving in a feminine manner. After a while it became habit and even I believed it....it had become reality. That's why I asked about the possibllity of it being, for some, a matter of just letting the natural tendencies out.

    When Wendy "appeared" and I accepted her it was almost like I gave myself permission to behave more feminine and the changes were almost scary. No they weren't. They were damned terrifying to Him, once even to the point of being physically immobilizing. Did I "learn" that or was it discarding the scenery and script of my "male" life? Or was it both because I never got to learn a lot of feminine lifestyle growing up. A number of years ago I realized how little of each other's lifestyle men and women knew/understood and started picking up consciously information about women's lives, like studying an alien species (Venusians?). Since I was studying brain sex, I saw no special significance to this. I suspect, for me, it was both dynamics working. Learning new behaviors and letting old ones loose.

    I think that must be true for many of us for some behaviors are genetic/hardwired/anatomical/physiological and some are cultural/learned.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      December 29, 2004 9:19 AM GMT
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  • A funny thing is that I cannot remember being hurt when boys called me "virgin" or "girl" at school...or my sister said I have too broad hips for a boy. It must be because I knew inside that I am a girl.
    Also later on in my life, when I got, by mistake, letters adressed to Ms. I was secretly proud of it. I carried a vaccination passport with a "female" written on it for ten years and had no intention to go and protest. Perhaps letting my beard grow was my only try to mislead people from guessing my secret.

    Laura
      December 29, 2004 9:34 AM GMT
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  • For me, confidence had a lot to do with it. Once I felt confident in my ability to pass, I didn't work at it as hard anymore. Nowadays, I often go out without any make-up on (except some lipstick) - and I haven't had my facial hair removed yet. Even in that condition, no one seems to notice anything. I think some "male" habits have gradually disappeared, but it is hard to point out specifics because the process is so gradual.

    Heather H.
    It is pitch black. You are likely to be eaten by a grue.
      December 31, 2004 12:25 AM GMT
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  • Here's a little tip for the girls from the US. IF at all possible try to stay from goverment programs like Voc.Rehab.
    or the welfare/Impact office.
    I've been going through hell with them because they
    don't understand the life of a transsexual. They use
    the wrong pronoun, and tell you because transsexualism
    is not covered under ADA that you "must" use the men's
    restroom at your place of employment. And you will get
    a "dressing down" on the subject. I've been going through
    this in Indiana. Any comments are welcome.
    RandiP
    Girls Rule!!
      February 10, 2005 12:21 AM GMT
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  • Hi, I have reently joined so come to the conversation late. I want to pass but am confused about the response.
    I only started part-time in early december 2004 but within 2-3 days I wanted to go out.
    Initially I just drove my car around but then decided to visit the dept store where I had bought my wig (as a man).
    It was rather terrifying as I had to walk a distance downhill from my parked car to the store and almost fell over on the way in my heels and the store floor where the wigs were was full of cosmetic and beauty products with smart made up women around!
    I was releived that it appeared I was accepted but I didn't know whether it was out of politeness (we English) for a man dressed, or because I was "a girl". My dress was slightly outrageous (short skirt, etc) and with heels I am about 6ft tall but there were no obvious stares or comments.
    However even after being out a few more times, beauty salon for one for a facial, I still don't know for sure how I am being seen. Unless I can get an "independent view from a straight person who doesn't know me I will still worry.
      March 5, 2005 7:08 AM GMT
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