I can no longer allow a pound of flesh to create and force me to live by expectations that are not my own. Have we not learned that it's not someone's ears, nose, color, sexual preference, or whether they are right or left handed, that has anything to do with what gifts they may bring unto the world? Why then must I live within parameters that are defined by a pound of flesh that most will never even see?

Why am I such a threat to so many? Laws are made against and to go around me. My life is at risk all because I can no longer allow let a pound of flesh tell me what to wear or how to present myself, even if it is always with dignity, respect, and a touch of class.

What harm do I cause?

If indeed we seek to be a nation of equality why are so many blind to the fact that any gender divided dress code, in and by itself, creates division and imposes separate and unequal conditions.

Can't businesses see that one bathroom is cheaper than two? I'm not living under the burdens of bigoted judgment just to be some type of voyeur. I've got news for you all women's bathrooms are usually dirtier and more disgusting than the men's. But it's not like a bunch of trannies sitting in the front of the bathroom could start a movement ' then again'.

Of course the Christian zealots think that what I am is abomination, but why? There is no prohibition against my life anywhere in the 'Good Book' except one phrase in the Old Testament that also talks about needing to put railings around roofs and tassels on clothes. Christ didn't say 'Love one another as you would love yourself ' except those trannies.. They're just too weird.' I don't believe he felt the need to 'heal' any of us either. I have news for Christians - I'm saved too.

The medical community is of little help though it's all the help that's available to those of us lucky enough to have insurance. We have to be diagnosed with a 'disorder' so that they will treat us. They still can't see that we don't need to be fixed. While hormones do indeed help us to feel more balanced within ourselves, they are more akin to high blood pressure medication for a condition than a disorder. The only disorder is by the culture around me that cannot allow itself to see that there are more than two genders.

For myself the number of gender variations is countless and only dependent on the number of people that have ever lived. Our gender is the amalgamation of our heart, mind, and spirit and is the essence of their revealed truth to the world around us. Everybody is naked even with their clothes on. The fig leaves are actually the lies and deceptions people create to hide themselves from their own truth.

There are even those in the psychological field that seek to define us by types according to who we prefer to go to bed with. I'm bisexual I wish them luck with that. With which sex would I go to bed with to be considered straight or homosexual? Is it the existence of my pound of flesh, or what I do or don't do with it?

Even with others similar to me the cries of being in the body of the wrong gender creates a presumption of error or mistake. The fact is if we we're to remove the social crutch of two dimensional gender definition we would see that we are indeed gifted. Our uniqueness would stand out. The uniqueness of our insight could have its rightful value appraised for in reality we are the rare gems of humanity.

We cannot be considered male nor female yet we are undoubtedly both. Our condition chases us to live in shadows and live lives of low self esteem and humiliation that crushes many of us to the point of self annihilation. Those of us that do not simply 'check out' must survive the physical and economic abuse of those that cannot abide our differences. The rest of our culture just turns away, turns their backs, or just tune us out.

Like all humans we have mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, grandparents and more. But most of us must walk away from them never to be heard from again because of the shame we represent and bring unto them ' all because of the presence (or lack of presence) of a pound of flesh. Now that's family values.

While I need to live a life en-femme the only driving force I have to mutilate my body is to eliminate the shame that my culture forces upon me and in an attempt to have a life that others can accept. But that is not all that would need to be removed. It would also require cutting myself off from a history of accomplishment that I earned regardless of what is or isn't between my legs. I cannot figure which of those castrations is worse or the more cruel imposition. Personally I find it hard to see my body, or the life I have lived because of it, as a mistake.

I will not apologize because my pound of flesh is in your face more when it is neatly tucked in a thong than it is when it bulges in my pants. That cannot be my problem for I can no longer repress what I am via unbearable depression and denial. That is my cultures problem to overcome, my country's collective gender issue to understand, and I cannot accept responsibility for that.

Through lack of compassion, action, or defiance, much more than a pound of flesh is extracted from us and far more than a drop of blood is spilled.

Hi Jessie
I welcomed your post and found it so profoundly moving as it seems to me that it comes from deap within your very soul.
Your abosuletly right, why should any human being have to hide away and suffer, sometimes to the point of destruction all because society does not accept that there are more than the two genders that religion and society have defined as normal.
On a recent television programme it was stated, like you so rightly said, that there are so many variations in both human and animal genders that it is impossible to count them. indeed every being to ever live has its own unique indentity, but thousands of decades of bigoted suppression has lead to anyone who is defined as different, to be cast to the outer perimeters of society. There is no such thing as a 100% Genetic man or woman because every single one of us is a variation on a theme and society should be made to realize this.Hopefully one day this will happen. Hope is good and good never dies.
Im an SO (mum) and since my daughter came to us and told us she was Transgendered and wasnt the lad that we had spent over twenty years bringing up,I have learned so much about the loneliness and suffering that thousands like her are experiencing, wasting their lives behind closed doors because they are unable to be their true selves in public. Years of living a lie and hiding, leave deep scars of fear which no-one should have to endure.
Thats the dark side, but the good side is I have noticed how compassionate, caring and gentle all the girls here are and thats very special. Yes you are unique and special Jessie, you and all the girls here and I look on my experiences here on TW as a privelige. Be proud of yourself. I dont say that lightly, as I said earlier, I am well aware of the pain of being Transgendered from watching my dearest,beautiful daughter but as the song goes " You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here. And wether or not, it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should".
I wish you peace and happiness.
Love Dorothy xx
butterflies begin from having been another (from a song by Eva Casiidy)

Merideth,

Thank you for the welcome. I poked around many of the forums trying to figure out where to put this piece and was amazed at the volume and diversity of material here.

As to what I'm testing the waters here for I'm not sure. Of course I'm looking for friends, possibly dates, and yeah sometimes a place to vent. I'm very in between these days and frustrated because of it.

Oh and thank you for the compliment on the pics. I really need new ones as I'm now a strawberry blond.

Jess

Yeah I do feel better now

As I've told other people that have asked if its really a whole pound, "It's a pound when its fully loaded" *cackle*.

One thing writing this piece and posting it has done is inspired many conversations with other about SRS. I'm already on mones ( about 8 months ) and have a therapist and a group. My view on SRS has changed since writing it and having the subsequent conversations.

It's clear that I haven't the strength to finish this life 'in between' I need the identification changed in order to not always be stuck justifying the life I'm living. Between that and seeing the surgury as 'cosmetic' I have found a sense of peace with completely transitioning.

Now the problem is how to get the money!!! grrrr

Hi Dorothy,

The love and well wishes in your email are so welcomed. *hugs*

My own family and myself have been estranged for over 10 years. It is heartening to read of any parent that is accepting of this situation. Note: I don't think of it as a 'condition' or 'disorder' as for me the problems are more with acceptance by the world around me than my own acceptance of what I cannot change.

I'm looking forward to finding a niche here on TW. Having such a small social world it'd be nice to at least know there's a place on the web where I can feel comfortable.

Jess

Hi Jessie
I fully understand when you say "it is not a condition or a disorder " we are all who we are and thats that.
And I have no doubt you will feel comfortable here and hopefully your social world will expand as you make new friends. Im sure I can speak for my daughter as well when I say we have made friends with people here that we hope will be for life. TW is a wonderful site with lots of hard work going on in the background and by sharing thoughts and opinions we can all learn from each other.

Love Dorothy xx
butterflies begin from having been another ( from a song by Eva Cassidy)

Jessie,
First, welcome to Trannyweb. I see you're in Milwaukee. I'm about 90 miles south of you in the Chicago area. Another midwestern girl!

Second, you are entitled to your opinion. You are also entitled to your anger and frustration about societal acceptance. You should not have to deny who you are. You will find that so many of us here on TW share your frustrations. I, for one, know that I can never truly be out as to who I am, although I have made considerable strides in that direction.

Please peruse the other forum topics here. You'll see that we have discussed this issue quite extensively. But there is always room for more.

Why are those of us who are TG a threat to society? As we all know, it's easier to fear and hate than to understand. And the U.S. was NEVER a country about equality. As for the religious right, are you really that surprised they feel and act the way they do? While I am hardly an atheist (long, long story there), I am really offended when people use their personal religious convictions to oppress others.

What sort of waters do you want to test here at TW? Do you wish to be friends? Find others like yourself? Find a place to vent? All three go on here all the time.

Again, welcome! Stick around and let us get to know you. Cute pictures, by the way. Keep in touch and I think you'll find us to be a great support group.

Meredith

Feel better now, girl? Welcome to a place where your thoughts/feelings are shared by many and where you will be accepted as who you are.

I actually love your idea of having a TG sitdown in front of ladies' rooms. It would point out to women what it is like to be forced to use the men's room or go without. It has the same classic passive resistance technique as the protests of the black liberation movement and the anti-war movement in the US. Non-violent, media coverage, and to the point...."You need to pee? We have to use the men's room all the time. How does it feel? Sit down with us, sister, and help us to be as equal as other women are becoming." Actually, my understanding is that, in the US, in most places, it is NOT against the law for a man to use a womens' bathroom, per se. It may be considered a 'disturbing the peace" issue. The owner of *private* (commercial) facilities can require you to leave their property or be considered trespassing. I still think that it makes bathroom blocking a brilliant idea for starting an active, protesting TG-liberation movement. [blocking men's room doors, however, is likely to get you punched out or trampled FtM brothers, take note ]

My understanding of the Biblical issue is that it refers to a specific priest/priestess type clothing issue and not crossdressing in general. Unfortunately, most "experts" read the translations of the Old Testament, not the origional Hebrew/Aramaic versions.

Don't worry about repeating what has gone before. It's always good to have it said again in a slightly different way and it can be very hard to find a specific topic in old postings on TW.

A whole pound!!! Really?

Jessie, since we're both from the midwest keeping in touch won't be very hard, especially should we do so outside of TW.

Vent here all you want. We'll listen. We're here to help all we can. You'll find a lot of great friends here. I know I have. I hope we can become friends. Contact me anytime you want.

I'm sorry to hear about being estranged from your family. It's happening slowly with my wife, although I thought she was going to deal with it for a while. I might be needing a place to live soon!

Take care, and stick around! Hey, how do you feel about stealing a black dress? Some of us are on a mission.

Mere