As far back as I can remember I gone through a number of scenerios on how to explain why I am not gay. I have had an extremely large number of genetic female(whatever that means, as I veiw myself as genetic but with error) partners but with no chance of a lifelong commitment. Performing was somewhat of a chore if in the male mode so Rachel would always over-ride the male part of me (Rachel does not have a thingy but a strap-on). The same with men. I had difficulties becoming aroused as a male, Rachel to the rescue again. I do not do men nor do I even enjoy them touching my thingy. I can only perform as a female. The majority of the men just simply could not understand why I can be with them as female but not male. Try explaining this to a gay male! Even they seem to have a problem with tg's and just tolerate us. Is this a problem common to most tg women?
I have been reading everything that I can to help me explain my sexuality when I come out as I really feel that it should be clear to all, exactly, who I am. Sandra mention people who think that gays feel like women. I have heard the same thing. I have also heard that tg's use the female role as a reason to be with men, sort of a defence mechanism to protect there male side. The side that finds sex with a man repulsive, yet as a women being with a man is perfectly normal. Some parts of this line of thought are true yet myself I showed strongly as female long before any knowledge of human sexuality so being tg is just that. I am transgendered by birth not by choice. Therefore it is not an excuss for sex. That is the other part that needs explaining in depth. Sex is just a very small segment of my being tg. It is being a woman that is most important. Not the sex. What comes with a relationship is the same as any couple whether it is M-F, M-TG, F-TG, F-F, M-M, TG-TG. As far as the general population goes I think most of the predjudice lies on the sexual level as most are conditioned to view m-f in the most traditional roles, a man marries a woman, they have babies raise a family and the human race carries on. In the case of a man and a tg woman whom cannot reproduce this may be viewed as a threat somehow as an assualt on tradition. Explaining why it is not will be difficult. Pushing past their preconvieved conception of transsexuality and showing them that tg does not translate a perversion. Eventually it will be seen that we are just everyday normal people who only wish to live everyday normal lives as more of us emerge. When will it happen? Soon I hope.
Also, I am thinking I may direct my sister to this site as she will be the first to know Rachel (somehow, I think she already knows as I seldom hide my mannerism when it is just her and me so she must be aware of me being feminine). There is so much she can learn about me solely by reading what the other girls are going through and being able to see that I am not alone. Besides, I know that she always wanted a sister to do girl things with . I just pray that she accepts me as such. Oh my gawd! everyone always thought that I looked amazingly like Kim. Even our bodies were alike. I am soooo glad she had small breast growing up as I fit perfect in all of her clothes. Maybe someday we'll hit the mall for a sisters day of shopping!!
LuvHugKis, Rachel

In the past few months, it has been my privilege to attend several gatherings of transgendered sisters and brothers under various circumstances. It has been due in no small part to the relationships I have developed in the virtual community that I have attended these events. Surely, this emphasizes what a powerful tool for unity we have in the form of the internet, but more important, in my view, the real lesson we draw from this virtual “Transrevolution” is that the phenomenon of transgenderism, in its myriad forms, is much more common than is generally recognized. It has been said that one is never more than ten feet from a tranny, and if the large numbers of Trans people coming together through the virtual medium are any indication, this may, in fact, be true.

Unfortunately, popular perception of the T community still prevents the vast majority of its members from openly expressing their T identities. Herein lies the great conundrum confronting the T community as a whole. It our very own tacit acceptance of social misconceptions about us that validates the prevailing social attitudes, thereby making us willing participants in the relegation of all T people to the social fringe. We know that the real demographic of the T community reflects that the vast majority of T people are, in fact, active participants in the social mainstream, but this idea has been slow to catch on among the public at large, as so many of us allow the hostile social atmosphere cause us to remain closeted, for fear of various consequences. In so doing, we perpetuate the stereotypes imposed upon us, and we give power to those who would rather we didn’t exist. Therefore, it is incumbent upon every T person who is able to dispel the popular misconceptions about the T community, by taking this virtual Transrevolution to the next level. It is through action, not words, that this change must be affected, and this means being out.

Hence, the conundrum. It is only through the act of being out we demonstrate that the T community is composed of “viable” and “productive” people, and begin to earn the acceptance we deserve. Indeed, this acceptance must be earned, as it will not be offered willingly. It must be shown through our actions that T people are everyone’s friends, family members, neighbors and coworkers. Certainly this will be a struggle, and the acceptance we seek will not come without a dear price to some of us, but the time has come to take back control of our individual identity by showing that we are unaffected by popular opinion. By standing up to be counted, we simultaneously confront and disarm the standards that victimize us. Only by emphasizing our positive traits as T people will we eventually be accepted as just people.

None of us has made a conscious choice to be this way, and it is not easy to accept that we are like we are, but it is what it is, and the prevailing attitude that would deny us anything to which any people are entitled must be altered in such a way that we are perceived not as T people, but as people. An ambitious goal, to be sure, but the process required to achieve this goal requires that for the time being, we emphasize and more important, celebrate our T nature. The value of social interaction in the real world setting cannot be underestimated to this end. Every time a large number of trannies gathers in the form of an organized event or casual social encounter, someone learns something. Further, by coming together in an atmosphere devoid of self consciousness, we demonstrate that we are unaffected by negative opinion, thus rendering such opinions invalid. In the final analysis, what is self consciousness, if not an acknowledgement of some external social standard? When we deny the value of these ideas, we deny the power of ignorance over our actions.

This road toward acceptance will be rough and painful, and in fact, much of it must yet be paved, but it isn’t going to happen on its own. Those of us of advanced age may never see a final positive result, but the effort must begin now at the grass roots and individual level. For example, Trannyweb has over 29,000 members worldwide. If everyone who is reading this helps one sister or brother to get out, organizes or attends a gathering of Trans people, or comes out to a friend or family member, imagine the positive effect. It is only by being out in some way, shape or form that we earn the freedom of expression we deserve. To this end, until it is our right to be out, it is our obligation.

Of course, as always, this is just my opinion. I could be wrong.

A very well written and well thought out post Robyn! You must be a writer or do a lot of it It certainly does make one think. However I also have to agree with Catherine that for some of us (who are not single & have families) the price would be too high to pay. Hopefully, more sooner than later,
mainstream society will be more understanding/accepting toward those of us that are transgendered. It seems that things are moving this way however there are still too many people out there with narrow minds who are against and will not accept anyone or anything that isn't "normal".

Hugs & kisses

Monika

If you read my original post carefully, you will see that the call to action which I have issued is aimed at those TG people who are able. I realize that circumstances exist in the family and professional aspects of many people's lives that can restrict one's ability to express. I, myself, am unable to live fulltime as yet, and certainly, to suggest that people sacrifice their family and professional relationships to advance the TG cause is unfair and unrealistic.

I do, however, maintain that opportunities exist even for those who are in personal and professional circumstances that prevent their unbridled gender expressiion. The frequent social events organized by various TW members are a good example of this kind of opportunity. Our recent gatherings in Baltimore and Manchester were well attended, and the vast majority of those who attended were in similar situations. those who are out fulltime were in the minority at these events.

My point is this:
Wherever there are two or more Trans people gathered in whatever setting or context, the opportunity exists to advance the positive image of our community, and it is incumbent upon those of us who are out to be conscious of this, and to do what we can to shift the public perception of us a little at a time.

It is not my intention to ask that anyone jeopardize their family or professional life in the interest of the Trans community. To do so would be unrealistic, and in fact, counter productive to the overall goal. All I am saying is that as opportunities arise for us to get out in the company of like minded people and project a positive image of the Trans community, we need to capitalize on them.

The individual does matter, Lucy, I have no doubt about that. In my country the acts of a few people certainly have changed things. Until the late 1990s there weren't really any public awareness of our existence. So, the notion of TSs being prostitutes didn't mean much either.

Still, while it's true people now associate transgenderism with the few individuals that has given us a public face, the sex issue remains a problem. Last spring our national TS organization even changed their name to avoid misunderstandings. So, now it's for TGs in general. Which could make some good sense anyway, but avoiding the wrong impression was the most important reason for that decision.

The problem is, I think, that any change towards greater freedom of expression always will be of a contradictory nature.

As for my own fears... I only know too well that I cannot generalize. I know there were reasons for my fear - the main reason being my father. Last spring my therapist even warned me against telling him too much. But I also know that blaming my own people is too simple. When I made my timid moves back in 1975 I was frozen out by the boys my own age. And that was only three years after the abolishment of the law against homosexuality. The way I see it those boys simply were acting out the prejudices of society. Their society, not mine.

Linda

As things were.

So many points have been made. One of my fears about coming out is how I will be thought of.I feared that I would be asked if I was "gay" when I revealed my HIV status as I do not see myself as gay. I am tg and my feelings for men arise through my female side. Truth is only a few asked that question. The majority were more concern with my well being and not who I may have been with. My fears were quickly laid to waste as I realized no one really cared to pry into the most personal part of me. What they cared about was me, the person. I am pretty sure that it will be the same when I come out fully as Rachel. People are more accepting than we give them credit for. Most people know or at least have met one transgendered person and have walked away unscathed and happy to have met that person. Everyday people interact with us without ever knowing so. So much has been said in such a positve way that I believe most people wouldn't give your gender identity a second thought after a short while. Most, I believe, will merely just be curious to how we came to be.
I do not think that the majority see us as perversions. It appears to me to be just the oppisite. Just today on one of the daytime entertainment shows they featured a girl named Mimi as she went home to Chicago. It was so wonderful to watch as her family sat with her on TV. They showed no sign at all that they disapproved of her. In fact they appeared to be extremely proud of her accomplishment. Her next stop is the pagent in Las Vegas. This is another sign that we are main stream along with a number of movies that have emerged in the past 10 years or more, Patrick Swayze in a dress. The Vegas pagent is a major milestone for our community. I think it will really close the chasm between what is considered normal and what is not. Society is increasingly accepting that we have always been here and always will, much like the gay community. True that there will always be those closed minds who will see us as perversions of nature. We have all heard our kind being refered to as an "it" and even worst. That will happen no matter what.
I know that I will encounter some prejudice as I journey through my coming out. I also know that I will meet some of the best people on the planet as I have already started meeting them right here. I was so readily accepted that my eyes overflowed with tears of joy and not the depression that usually starts the crying. For the first time, since I lived as Rachel in the eighties, do I feel at ease. Being Rachel, my true self, is what will save me and stop the agony of lying to myself. She is far stronger in every way than the small part that is male. For me being out will be my liberation and to hell with what the closed minds in society think.

Oh, I totally agree, especially about acceptence in large cities. In San Diego, If someone realized that the woman they were seeing was born as a boy (when I was in my early 20's I was sooo hot looking) they never let on. The same goes when I lived in St. Louis. On a few occassions I ventured out to Magnolia's or over to Faces, stopping for gas or something, no one gave me a second look (well, to be honest I have caught guys checking out my legs and butt, I wonder if they had a clue ). Where I live now is a very small town with very conservative attitudes. When I do emerge fully to live my life to the end as Rachel, I WILL be moving to a community which is more accepting to tg women and HIV/AIDS. Oh my gawd, some around here would burn my house down if they knew.

Robyn, that was a wonderful post. Thank you for raising such important issues.

Robyn, I'm sure you're right at the macro level. As the number of visible t-girls rises, we become more important as a force in society. If only people knew just how many of us there really are...

At the micro (and personal) level, it's not so easy. I can't come out to my wife, because it might end my marriage, and preserving my family life matters even more to me than being a tranny. Or to put it another way, I'm putting the needs of my family first.

I suspect that coming out is always difficult. It may be more difficult for some than for others. I admire the courage of those who have done it.

Well I agree with you Robyn. To those who think that nothing can or will change I say, well not with that attitude. The truth is things ARE changing. Those of us who don’t come out, and yes maybe their circumstances dictate that they are unable to, are not going to change anything, but please try not to be so defeatist. Homosexuality was not just frowned upon, it was illegal to practice it as recently as the 60’s in this country. And when more gays started coming out more people accepted homosexuality. To me it’s a simple equation; if we want acceptance we won’t get it by staying at home and waiting for it. We have to be seen, make our presence felt, otherwise people either simply don’t know that we exist, or think we must have something to hide. We can’t be accepted unless there is something to accept.
Social acceptance has many factors, perhaps location makes a difference, so I speak from my own personal experience here, not anyone else’s: I’ve been living full-time for 6 months and in that time have been amazed and reassured at people’s willingness to accept, and desire to fully understand the meaning of transsexualism. Sandra’s repeated claims that “transgendered and transsexuals are commonly perceived in people's minds as prostitutes” could not be further from the truth in my experience. Sorry Sandra, I just don’t get that. This is the 21st century, the world is a huge melting-pot, constantly getting smaller, and most people really don’t view us in that way. Even my dad, who out of all the hundreds of people I have dealt with since coming out has had the most misguided preconceptions, does not associate transgenderism with prostitution. He’s struggling to deal with it, but maybe that’s just because he’s my dad. In general people don’t struggle, don’t think I am, or will wind up, involved in prostitution or the sex industry; they accept, and if they don’t quite understand it all then it‘s clear that they have a strong desire to do so. In fact people around here actually seem glad to meet someone like me, almost as if it’s a privilege for them. I find it so sad that so many of us impose their own fears onto others claiming that this is how people think, or succumb to “our very own tacit acceptance of social misconceptions…” as Robyn puts it. That is not the way the general public think, if there are such ignorant people out there they are in a very, very small minority, and I certainly have not come across any yet.
For me coming out has been a great experience, perhaps my salvation. No-one’s saying it will be easy, but fearing the difficulties should not stop anyone from following their heart. It’s not so scary once you do it, and you won’t get hassled on every street corner, far from it. I’m constantly read and that doesn’t bother me, though like everyone I’d like to improve my appearance, but men and women, strangers and friends, have approached me in the pub and shaken my hand, congratulated me on standing up for myself, admired my bravery, though I don’t see it as bravery, just honesty. In short, they admire me for being myself, and that admiration was sadly lacking in my former life. The problems I used to have were my own fault, my own fears stopped me from coming out sooner, and now I don’t have those problems. I have new challenges, personal and physical, but they don’t involve other people, and I welcome the challenges, for they are a bridge to a better life.
It’s easy to tell yourself that people won’t accept you if you come out, I know because I did that for years, but it's not true. Some people maybe (only one in my case, and I'm working on that), but more people will accept you than will not. I came out, I was accepted, the more of us that do so, the more acceptance we will gain. It’s down to the individual, but together we can change the world.
I may have not changed the world by coming out, but I’ve changed MY world, and life, once crap, is now wonderful. It’s there if you want it.
xx

I think we have a long way to go for mainstream acceptance. While some films have had TG characters that are not stereotypes, we're still an oddity. A few television shows have finally been portraying us as complex people.

In this country alone look at all the controversy over gay marriage. If they can't get a break, neither can we.

Only two people made comments to me about being gay. I had to tell them how being transgendered was not a gay issue but something totally different. While only two people have said something so far, I do expect more.

Good luck to all of us on this journey.