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Childhood memories

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  • I remember that I told my dad when I was five that I´m really a girl and he spanked me. After that I understood that the matter is a taboo and continued the conversation only with God. My sister says she understoods now many things, why I was totally different. As a teenager I moved along with other girls, as one of them. I remember staying overningt with two girls here or there. Never having sex with them. They had their boyfriends and we shared secrets about the guys.
    At 25 I made the fatal decision to live as a man...because there was no way out. Until my life became impossible...

    Laura
      November 22, 2006 7:11 AM GMT
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  • Hi, luvs--

    The odd thing for me lately is that, though I know I grew up "male", memories of that time are changing slightly. I see myself as the girl I should have been, doing those things that actually happened. (And truly, if you were to see a picture of me at that time, I looked like a girl. Which also explains a lot of other things.)

    Also--I am finding memories(?) of things that I know did not and could not have happened...yet seem very real to me. Things like dances I went to as a girl, guys I dated, etc. Perhaps my subconscious processing what should have been?

    All of which brings me to my point: I don't have a disturbing view of my youth. Granted, it was disturbing enough; getting the crap beat out of you on a regular basis by your classmates and told to buck up by the folks was not condusive to a happy time in my life. But, it was what it was--and knowing now what I do about myself not only explains things, but allows me to better function as the woman I've become.

    Luv 'n hugs,
    Dr. Mina Sakura
    Living as the woman I am!
      November 22, 2006 6:47 PM GMT
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  • ...and just as equally, I can remember trying The Momma's makeup on--she wasn't too thrilled, but didn't get overly angry....

    Mina
    Living as the woman I am!
      November 22, 2006 10:19 PM GMT
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  • I remember trying on panty hose and girdle when I was 13 I think.

    Kim
      November 22, 2006 10:41 PM GMT
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  • At 25 I made the fatal decision to live as a man...because there was no way out. Until my life became impossible...


    I thought about living as a woman when I was 30.. then 40... now I'm 50 still considering...

    Kim
      November 22, 2006 10:45 PM GMT
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  • Kim, honey--

    Never give up thinking about it.

    I haven't....

    Mina
    Living as the woman I am!
      November 23, 2006 2:38 AM GMT
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  • At school guys told me I throw the ball like a chick...and that I have too broad hips for a boy. And the funny thing was, I was actually happy with these comments. As later on in my life when I was mistaken for a woman, for example got mail for Ms. The most odd thing was that a doctor wrote me an international vaccination passport and wrote there "female", already 24 years ago. I was happy about that and said nothing about the mistake. Every normal man would have got furious to be marked female by mistake.

    Laura
      November 23, 2006 6:45 AM GMT
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  • Funny! I was in the hospital about two years ago and when I recieved my discharge papers I noticed I was listed as F. Made me smile as I haven't changed yet. So glad you are still here Laura!
    Even the importunate ghosts of the dead were more alive in his imagination as they came flocking grayly in upon him, unaccountable, as the waves on the distant winter sea.
      November 29, 2006 6:45 AM GMT
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  • When I was 6, my older sister and brother and I were playing "Dress UP". I, (of course) wanted to play the mommy so I got dressed in some of my sisters old clothes. But I put on her training bra, panties, found an old garter belt and folded a pair of stockings down about 4 times and hooked them to the garterbelt. put on a pair of my sisters old sandals and dress and was playing that way. Mom called me downstairs for something and I went downstairs that way. Mom's eyes got the size of saucers! Then she started giggling
    and then said "DON'T EVER! Let your father see you like that!!
    I was smart enough to listen, He'd have killed me! But I loved it! I was just being me! Jackie....
    remember to tell the special people in your life, just how much you care....
      November 30, 2006 12:43 AM GMT
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  • My mother caught me so many times in my sisters clothes and playing with her Barbies she constantly reminded me that I was a boy. Old christmas movies that my father took shows my mother taking the dolls away from me and me crying my eyes out cuz I couldn't have them. Today, she still brings that up and says that they thought that maybe I should had been a girl. I honestly think she knows the truth. As an adult, same as a child I am always female in my dreams. Oh, and my older brother caught my once at around age ten with a bra on with oranges in the cups.
      November 30, 2006 10:41 AM GMT
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  • I never got caught playing with my sister's Liddle Kiddles--but I did get busted for being in her room when she wasn't....

    Mina Trivia Tidbit: Because I was the youngest of three and thus couldn't be left at home alone, I went to my sister's Girl Scout/Brownie meetings. I still have (somewhere) my merit badges for cooking, sewing, and what is now camping/outdoor lore. It's true...I was a Girl Scout!

    Luv 'n hugs,

    Mina
    Living as the woman I am!
      November 30, 2006 5:53 PM GMT
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  • This all makes me wonder....

    If I hadn't been moved every few years or less as a kid, and learned to bury my feelings about what I had lost, what would I have felt that instead got buried along with the other things. I remember trying to play with one of the neighbor girls during my pre-teen years and feeling compelled to a very macho "husband" role instead of just relaxing and enjoying her game. I bet I was shoveling dirt on top of my real feelings as fast as I could. The message I got was clear. It was not all right for me to not be macho and therefore not OK to be me.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      December 1, 2006 3:43 AM GMT
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  • I never had any sisters but I would get girls clothes from
    somewhere and wear them. The first panties I ever
    saw was over at my cousin's house of three girls and
    they were holding up some of the nylon brief
    panties that they got for Christmas.
    I wanted to take them out of their hands and put them on.
    I did get to peek in one of their dresser draws one time.
    One of my cousins was also a cheerleader so I got to
    her cheerleader "spankies" that she showed everybody.
    And then I started living full-time in 1992.

    Randi
    Girls Rule!!
      December 6, 2006 1:46 AM GMT
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  • 2 2627
    My sister had a closet full of skirt sets. From the age of 10 to 14 they fit perfect. So I'd stay home from school at least once a month & dress allday.
    <p>Karen Brad</p>
      December 6, 2006 12:34 PM GMT
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  • I just got this sudden flash from reading all your stories in this thread. How I did things like that growing up, certain I was the lone wierdo/freak in the world....and I was never really alone...you were all out there too...somehow it retroactively makes it all ok and makes me feel better about those times. In a way, they have become "shared" times. Thank you.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      December 7, 2006 2:50 PM GMT
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  • Wendy: It seems to be one of the main reason we come here and share isn't it. We see just how many others actually went through the exact or close to the exact same things as we grew up.
    That is one of the reasons I love it here so much. I found I wasn't the "ONlY ONE", in virtually ANY of the things I did. Sad we couldn't have all met each other in those days. Bunch of little "Girls" running around playing Barbies and having tea parties, fashion shows! If you think about it for a second, you WILL have to smile!!! I know I sure did...... Jackie....
    remember to tell the special people in your life, just how much you care....
      December 9, 2006 12:15 PM GMT
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  • Hmm.....firstly, at infants school (awww), at the tender age of 5, the school play was seriously lacking in the woodland animals department...maybe my mop of ringlets gave be a cherub-like appearance, who knows, but somehow, I got asked to do rabbit-duty. I think it was a rabbit anyway, it definately wasn't a badger, I would have remembered a badger...AAANNNYWAY, it was a brown woodland creature I had to represent (no white breast gags, purrr-lease), and brown tights with leotard over the top was the order of the day. I feel sure that the sensation of being encased in fabric led me to my vocation today of clothes-pattern-cutter, as well as the obvious TV associations. I blushed like a woodland animal at the time, and was trying to fight the grin spreading across my face at the time. Ahhhhh happy days

    Another time was seeing Phil Oakey out of the Human League, on Top Of The Pops Xmas number one "Don't You Want Me Baby", with more monochrome make up on than the backing singers put together It jarred me, and I remember thinking "That's soooooo wrong, yet sooooooooo right".

    Couple of Months later, my sister decided to make me over as Prince-Charming era Adam Ant, without the trademark white stripe, but with other tribal markings, in red and blue. I blushed again, as you would if you knew your dad was returning home from work But hey, no harm done My later experiments and recreations of my sisters maquillage, but with powder paint, introduced me to the fact that I might have sensitive skin....hmmm.

    I wasn't a huge fan of Adam Ant, but enough of a fan to run around the lounge chanting the hook line from "The Human beings" from the lp"Kings OF The Wild Frontier" ("Blackfoot - Cheyenne-Cheynne-CROWWW!-APACHE-ARAPO!")

    Or as the man himself wrote in the eponymous lp title track "No method in our madness (HEY, HEY, HEY!), Just proud about our manner (HEY HEY HEY !) Antpeople are the warriors (HEY HEY HEY !) Antmusic is the banner !!! (HEY HEY HEY !)

    Who said the Eighties wern't inspirational? And don't even get me started on Grandmaster Flash
      December 11, 2006 2:34 PM GMT
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  • I'm perhaps much the same as a lot of girls. My first real memories of wearing female clothes are from my early teens. I know I often played with my sister's toys from about age 10. That has now been proved wrong by my dad. As he loves his new found daughter he has told me that he and my late mother knew that I had girly inclinations when I was about 4 years old and that I was trying on female clothing well before I was 10. When I joined the army at 16 and 1/2 they thought I'd grow out of it all and become a true man. Now I'm in my 50s I'm becoming the girl of my dreams when I was 4. The childhood memories are coming back, especially the more Alina talks with her dad.
    Life is proceeding at a lovely pace
      December 11, 2006 3:16 PM GMT
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  • Stephy,

    It's sad that your mom's behavior would pass for a high degree of acceptance compared to what most T-girls faced growing up. You were fortunate.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      December 11, 2006 4:41 PM GMT
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  • Wendy--

    Your last post got me to thinking...in some cases my folks were perhaps more understanding than I've given them credit for. By allowing me to "explore" certain options that were decidedly not traditionally masculine (i.e., feminine), I can see that perhaps they know and/or understand more than I have ever known....

    Then again, maybe not. It's hard to know exactly for sure until I come out to them....

    Luv 'n hugs,
    Mina

    Living as the woman I am!
      December 11, 2006 7:31 PM GMT
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  • My parents wanted a girl from the start. But they had a boy, then another, then another, then me. I guess everyone knew what they wanted cause one of the Nuns at the hospital said I was so pretty I should have been a girl. I've heard that story my whole life. Then when I was about 6 or so, I had a coboy doll, I took him everywhere, he was my friend much like a barbie might be to girls. When my dad got home from Nam, I found it in the back yard decapitated. I am the small fry of all the boys in my family of 8. I even have younger sisters that are bigger then me. I used to wear my sis's panties at night and hide them in a jacket pocket in the closet. one day she was looking for them, and I produced them for her. She laughed, hell everyone did. Like everyone else here, I can't help feeling the way I do, I am going into the new year with a goal of not being ashamed of myself and actually look happier, cleaner, heathier and yes, I will tell any anyone with a smart ass coment where to get off. Thanks for being here girls. It is great to read and maybe even someday meet some of you. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and most of all, Thank you from the bottom of my hearts.
    Heather
      December 24, 2006 2:41 PM GMT
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  • I remember when I was perhaps 4 borrowing my sister's blue tutu and going around in it just for fun. My parents just thought it was funny.
    I'm the woman on the silver mountain
      December 27, 2006 9:59 AM GMT
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  • Trisha,

    When people are not told what to believe, they tend to see the truth.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      December 27, 2006 5:45 PM GMT
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  • It's really hard to remember all the things that happened. Peaple asking me or my mom if I was a little boy or girl, my older brothers being protective, my sisters understanding when I returned her panties....I just don't know... but I do know I want to be free, free of predujice and ridicule, free from exspectatons that aren't me. It's not like I want to be a glamore queen or set a standard for others. I just want to be me. Here I am, at 48, wanting to be able to wear a skirt when I want and when appropriate, but also wanting to go fight for freedom that others have never know. What to do, what to do....
      December 27, 2006 5:46 PM GMT
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  • Interesting thread. I think I started dressing up when I was about 13 (in other words I am a late developer compared to some on this site). I don't remember very much about my teenage years, but there are some high points - not least getting to play the part of a French maid in a school revue, borrowing the clothes off a rather sexy neighbour called Steph, and pulling on the stockings and shoes in the changing room with the other boys (it was an all boys school) just gaping at me. I felt most indescribably wonderful, until I had to take the clothes off again.

    I knew Steph had the clothes, because I'd seen her wearing them, and I used to babysit for her, and borrow at least her shoes for the evening.

    The other thing I remember was a conversation with a school friend called Frances, who said to me out of the blue that she thought I would look good in women's clothes. I was thrown by this and didn't follow it up. But just think if I'd responded positively: she would have let me borrow her clothes and she would have showed me how to do make-up. The whole of my life could have been very different.
      December 28, 2006 12:28 AM GMT
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