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Have you ever suppressed your femininity?

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  • I ask this question because not so very long ago I spent a night with a woman. We didn't know each other that well but she said she'd liked me for sometime. We'd had a nice time together and I didn't particularly want it to end. It's not such a surprise really because I don't enjoy masculine society much and like to be with women, and anyway I wanted the company. I knew, however, that intimate relations was part of the deal. I'm a bit confused by this and think I have travelled down the wrong path. To say my dalliances with women are infrequent is an understatement. I never really know what I'm doing which is no surprise because this is what men do. But it wasn't an entirely unenjoyable experience. She was soft and warm and sweet, a nice person to be with. Though it did seem to last an eternity, which is less a tribute to my sexual prowess than a reflection of a lack of exhillaration on my part. However, what I found myself doing was trying to be a man and suppressing those things that come naturally to me. So I was constantly thinking to myself: don't skip to the bathroom, I musn't spin around on my toes, don't wave your hands around, don't sit with your legs crossed with both hands on your knee. It was really uncomfortable not being able to moisturise for hours on end; and it was truly difficult having to make love as a man. The whole thing was so unnatural to me, and I found it very problematical, but it did make me think. I can pass as plausibly masculine for a short period of time but eventually my true character comes to the fore. But it made me think, many of the ladies here have been/or are married, and have been so for many years. They have children. I can only imagine you have had to be masculine most of the time. At home, at the workplace, with the family. How have you managed to suppress your femininity over such a long period of time? I tried really hard for one night but even so she told me she thought I was rather feminine ( which she liked ) and gentle ( though I'm not sure if that was a compliment or a criticism ). So please forgive me for asking the question, I know I'm a little naive, but I found the entire experience painful and frustrating. I can't imagine what it must be like to have to live this lie every hour of every day for years on end.
    Porscha
      November 21, 2007 2:14 PM GMT
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  • It almost killed me.
      November 21, 2007 3:13 PM GMT
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  • I can imagine, Robyn. I only did it for a night and found it impossible. I have so much sympathy for those who have had to suppress, in fact repress might be a better expression, their true nature for so long. Not forgetting those who through external pressures still feel they have to. For all the fretting and fussing I do about being a woman it is actually being a man I cannot do. I'm very feminine, happy to be so, and comfortable with it. It is just the ideal I struggle with and don't most women struggle with that.
    Porscha
      November 21, 2007 3:29 PM GMT
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  • for me, when i am in drab, I would say that i supress my femininity very frequently although recently I have become comfortable with just being who i am. Also, looking back over the years, the next step is to try and reaffirm ones masculinity by acts of bravado. this is extremely dangerous as I have had numerous broken bones and a fractured skull as a result. I am now glad that I have reached the understanding of myself where I no longer need to pursue my definition (ah better word... identity).
    Ani XXX

    (PS: The content in this post is not meant to offend anyone or spark any controversy.)
    Just an ordinary girl finding her way in this strange life. - What will it take to get everyone to realise that everyone else is also a human being that deserves just as much respect? - How does someone tell their doctor they have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia? - When I was a student I specialised in Alcopology. It always starts with Alco and always ends with pology. - Waiter! There's a hare in my rabbit pie!
      November 21, 2007 5:34 PM GMT
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  • It wreaks emotional havoc on me Porscha. Those here that have known me over the last year have seen more peaks and valleys in me than the swiss alps. Only recently I realized what trying to live a dual life was doing to me. Clothes have never mattered that greatly to me, but just being one person was elusive. I still believe you can go back and forth in presentation, but your behavior and emotions you can't without bad consequences. I no longer change my hair from gal to guy style. On jury duty monday I wore a cami with shelf bra under a Tshirt with my boobs clearly defined, women's jeans, small hoop earrings and glossy light pink plumper lipstick. I didn't really care what anyone thought, people still talked to me and all went well. Tuesday I just wore khakis and a polo shirt with tank top under it, large gold ball earrings and of course glossy lip plumper lipstick. I was accepted as jury foreman, don't give me grief on foreperson or forewoman, the title is foreman. I sided with the women on a major issue and I think because of that I was able to talk with a gal that was the last holdout and get her to change her vote. It will take time to become just one person and let my feminine side carry through all that I do, but the relief of no longer hiding it is so good.
      November 21, 2007 7:38 PM GMT
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  • I hope justice takes its course, Marsha; and I like you're outfit, I don't like to be shallow, but it's nice to know how others dress. However, you are right in what you say - you can change your presentation, as we all do, but your emotions and behaviour remain the same. Trust me to take so long to say something so simple.

    I don't always agree with you, Marsha. But we're not here to agree with but to help, empathise with and console each other when things get tough - and they do. And, anyway, I quite like you really.
    Porscha
      November 21, 2007 8:58 PM GMT
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  • Hi Porscha, as always you've posted a topic that is interesting and thought provoking. I have self-diagnosed as "FSL Chronic/Acute". FSL being Femme Side Leakage, of course. Like most girls around here I can't really suppress my feminine side though it doesn't necessarily mean that I always act in an overtly feminine manner, if that makes sense. As far as love making, while my wife expects me to fill a masculine role, at least some of the time, it doesn't mean that I have to be rough or overly vigorous or a stereotypical male. I think in many ways for all of us, no matter whether we suppressed it or not, our feminine sides make us better partners in love, whether speaking of the physical act itself or the relationship in general. Just being with someone and sharing intimacy is beautiful and part of the joy of living.

    Hugs...Joni Marie

    "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken." -Oscar Wilde
      November 22, 2007 3:00 AM GMT
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  • Hey Porscha, I have to hand it to you. You have done something I never would do. I have a long story I will tell all of you sometime. I have taken both male and female hormones in my life. They do a lot to the brain and it's desires. There have been fleeting moments when I was on male hormones where I wanted to think about being with a Woman. But, in the end, it was purely an act. I grew a beard, dyed my hair dark golden brown, and started wearing cowboy drag. It was the Brokeback Mountain effect. LOL!

    I have always wanted to be with a man sexually. I knew that. My struggle has been vacillating back and forth between being a man and a woman. And, although I know that for me being a man is a much easier path, I know that I will never have the kind of emotional relationship with a woman or a gay man that I desire with a Heterosexual man. Even in gay relationships, I constantly felt like I was suppressing my body language, the words I used, my expressions, et al. It was like carrying around a heavy weight.

    The best thing I think any of us can do is try and be absolutely real with ourselves. We have to take off all the expectations of others and get at the core heart of our desire. It is there that we will find the true answers. I am a quite analytical and mostly deep person that has been unable to believe that I could be in denial about something so fundamental to what it means for me to be a Human being. I didn't know that I was capable of deluding myself. But, I know now that deep down I always had the answer. I was just afraid to know what that answer was. So, the best thing for a person to do is to find their niche on the gender and sexual spectrum, aside from how anyone else may define it or expect it to be defined.



      November 22, 2007 9:24 AM GMT
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  • That's very sad, Kieroney. I can only imagine what that must be like. It does, however, penetrate to the very heart of this thread. I'm assuming that those who are transgendered and married met their prospective spouses as men, dated them as men, married them as men, and sired children as men, and lived within the family unit as husband and father. When all along you must have been suppressing feelings that will in the end find expression. To live this lie every minute of every hour of every day must be a torment. To be a man in every facet of your life and then to be one no longer. And I know many have lived overtly masculine lives in professions such as the armed forces and construction etc. It is difficult for me to comprehend. But then maybe my life would be equally difficult for others to understand. But Trannyweb is a great place to be to learn, and I have learned a great deal. I wish you all the best, Kieroney. I don't know how long you have been a member but you will find understanding and support here. Let your heart guide you.
    Porscha
      February 3, 2008 7:41 PM GMT
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  • Writing as someone who has been unable to come of out of the closet with my wife, the question is a much 'have you ever been able to reveal your femininity' as 'express it'. I think that I'm a naturally caring and considerate person, I'm quiet, perhaps a little shy. I'm not an overtly masculine male, and I'm physically slight. I suspect that if I suddenly acted in a more masculine manner, my wife would find that as surprising as it I acted in an overtly feminine manner. I don't think I appear gender neutral though to the casual observer.. I am far more interested in my wife's magazines and wardrobe than she expects. She has said that she'd love me to go shopping with her, but that she knows I wouldn't enjoy it. This of course, is because I appear indifferent to the charms of a full day's clothes shopping, whilst the reality is that I daren't just relax and visibly embrace the opportunity - the emergence of an effete, apparently informed shopping companion might be of some alarm to her! Lovemaking is obviously both a psychological and physical balancing act. I suspect and hope that the pleasure I provide my wife is enhanced by a conscious desire to caress and nuture, rather than intrude and dominate. I bite my tongue to avoid vocally expressing heightened pleasure in a more feminine manner, and so ultimately, in this most intimate context, I guess I do suppress my femininity. However, simultaneously my physical actions may possibly express it.
    a girl at heart and a proper person too
      February 4, 2008 1:50 PM GMT
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  • I have an idea on this subject. I just realized it recently but I tell my transgendered friends and my girlfriend that when they have to be in "male mode" they can think of it as "butch lesbian mode."
      February 4, 2008 4:34 PM GMT
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  • At some point in my childhood I began suppressing my true self to avoid the abuse I received for it. Then, around the age of 15, I crushed it. The result of this is that I became a dysfunctional, alpha male. But it's obvious now that it refused to remain completely buried. However, I was faking much of my "male" behavior and , because of this, I had problems with serious relationships with women, while we did quite well as friends. I destroyed my last relationship but we remained friends. Then I found Wendy hiding in my head.

    Like Anne, when I came out to my SO, she accepted it and in fact realized that it was Wendy she had fallen in love with. Our relationship improved and we are happier together than we ever have been.

    She has encouraged me to be Wendy and has supported me emotionally as well as buying me clothes, makeup and jewelry and becoming my "stylist". In fact she takes me out to dinner and buys me presents all the time and enjoys it....and, for the first time in my life, so do I. (Told you that I would think about that, Rachel) Since I learned much of what I know from her, she also listens to my opinion on things for her to wear. We have a wonderful type shopping together and she says she loves going out with her new girlfriend, in both senses of the word. She said it perfectly the night I came out to her. "You missed out on a lot of great clothes by not telling me twenty years ago." She had twice, during our earlier relationship, offhandedly mentioned how much fun it would be to have a husband she could dress up en femme and my reaction was stunned excitement followed by sheer terror that I would, or had been, found out.

    Rachel, If your wife is encouraging you to go clothes shopping with her.....she really wants it. Your enthusiastic participation in these outings should bring you closer and lay a strong groundwork for acceptance of your femme self in the future. She likely won't want to give up the joy that you have put into her life. Last time we were together, Sundance and I agreed that Wendy was my missing "natural child" [Eric Berne - Transactional Analysis] Her natural child likes playing with my natural child. We used to be in constant conflict, now we never are. I say, go for it girl. Go shopping with her. One time, when I took Sundance shopping, I saw the look on her face when she told me other women had envied her and one asked "Do you rent him out." I knew that letting myself be myself with her was the smart, as well as the fun thing to do. It is fun shopping, whispering and giggling together...and I hardly ever care what anyone else thinks.
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      February 4, 2008 4:56 PM GMT
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  • I suppress my femininity almost all the time. This is because I cannot come out to my wife, and so I feel I can't come out to anyone else I know - although sometimes I would like to.

    A couple of things keep me going. Being able to dress when alone at home for short periods. And visiting this site to immerse myself in a world of like-minded people.

    I don't make love very often. I don't enjoy taking the male part. A lesbian-type relationship would be ideal. But this is an impossible dream.
      February 4, 2008 11:45 PM GMT
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  • What a very difficult situation you are in Catherine, I can imagine how painful it must be. I adore femininity and feel comfortable in the company of women. Making love as a man is unnatural to me. In respect of my relationships with women that is a shame. If you ever want to talk to me Catherine, feel free to do so.
    Porscha
      February 5, 2008 12:03 AM GMT
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  • WOW

    Thanks for this post. I thought I was the only one that felt weirded out trying to use my man parts like a man.

    Thanks :)

    Stephenie :)
      September 27, 2009 8:25 AM BST
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