I'm a really confused individual. I don't know if I'm actually transsexual, but I want to be a woman. (my confused status is why I just put "moon cheese" instead of the girl name I want) However, I don't know if I can...(explanation will come)

I get frustrated trying to be friends with women, even though I get along much better with women than with men. Most women see me either as "meat" (like they would never consider me as a friend, only a relationship partner) or as some other species. Especially if they already have a boyfriend (which is almost always the case), they don't want to talk to me. As a child, I wanted to be a girl a lot, and tended to view myself as one for a while. For instance, I would play with stuffed animals and pretend to be their mother (never their father, who was usually some other stuffed animal and cast as the "villain" LOL). I would also take one of the stuffed animals and pretend that it was a girl I was getting ready to go, by doing their hair and stuff. (Yes, I had (and have) a very vivid imagination. I'm an aspiring fiction writer too, not like I'll ever get anything published.)

However, my dad really tried to destroy my feminine side, and sadly he partially succeeded, at least for many years. He has been in the US military for 36 years, and he definitely has that personality. Once I told a few people at school (this was like 3rd grade) that I wanted to be a girl, but when he found out, he practically exploded. I had become friends with a lot of girls in 5th grade and was generally treated as equal to them, but then my parents moved from random suburbia to a place WAY out in the country, where I lived for over 8 years (ages 10-17). I was never able to make friends in the country, really...I had nobody for about 5 years until I started going online.

My dad would always yell at me for being feminine, or try to steer me toward more manly interests. My mom was pretty neutral and would cultivate either type of interest, but she always denied that I was at all feminine (even though she bought me girly books and such). My dad even does this now that I'm an adult! I carry a stuffed kitten around sometimes (I love cats and kittens, they're so CUTE! My apartment building doesn't allow them though.) and my dad yelled at me for it. This wasn't to work or anything, it was a family gathering (where I was mostly just interested in talking to my cousin). My dad's always trying to give me "advice" on how to be more masculine, which is the opposite of what I want.

My mom is very masculine for a woman, sometimes I think she would have been an F to M transsexual if she were born in 1982 instead of 1952, LOL. She only wears men's clothes and no makeup. I'm the only child, so no sisters. The most feminine person in my family is probably my grandmother, who is 81. I don't see her or my female cousins often. I would like to talk to my cousin more, but she never is online, never answers her phone, doesn't reply to E-mails, and I can only see her like once a year.

Now I essentially have no one, only a few old friends who tend to be rather flaky. And I now have nobody to show me how to be feminine. I feel like an empty shell at the mercy of my dad, who threatened to kill me about a year ago because I refused to work for the US Army.

I love really sugary bubblegum pop music like Kylie Minogue and Britney Spears, and can't stand rock. I seem to be the only person in existence who doesn't really like any rock at all. I think it's too angry and harsh.

I'm currently in the USA but will be in Germany in a month.

Hi moon, I love kitties too. Welcome to TW sister!!!! You are not alone.

Is there a site that's like this, only free? I don't want to have to pay money over time just to see people's contact info and such. Also, I'm very opposed to the idea of capitalism in general.

I know, I just wanted to be able to communicate with members with AIM, and I see the AIM names are all hidden unless you pay.

Does the money just go to site maintenance and such, or is it...hmmm...pocket liner? LOL

Sorry if it was insulting...I didn't know. When I saw that so much of the site was only available to paid members, I thought it was run by someone who didn't really care and just wanted to get rich. A lot of sites are like that.

I'm an idiot and tend to insult people without meaning to. I want to learn how to stop, it's ended up hurting me a lot over the years.

Perhaps your mom understands you better than anyone knows.

Clearly, your dad has issues. My father was a military officer and similar, though (I can't believe I'm saying this) less out of control than your father. You really have two choices. You can live your life as you. You can let other people force you to develop a false personality that will act out a life according to their script. You may bury yourself but you will never eliminate your true self. I don't know what you are doing at this time, but most college campuses these days have organization to support GLBT students. Check our TW links to find places on the internet to understand yourself and to educate those in your life.
http://www.reneereyes.com
has a good description of the range of transgendered persons that can help you find your general area on the transgender spectrum. Your own spot, however, will be your's alone. You certainly have transgender attributes. Your father's effect on your feelings about males and the male role is also clear. This is not an overnight search. It will take time to find your exact spot.

Anyway, you have come to the right place to find friends. Welcome to the TW Sorority, Sister. I have my own collection of stuffed toys. My favorite is a teddy bear.

As Joni says you can get a lot out of this site without having to pay if you can't afford it or if you want to wait & see if you like it here.
Just be open & honest. You will make a lot of friends here. This place can be a lot of fun & you can learn so much.
The people that can & do pay don't do it for the members only areas. We do it because keeping TW open is worth it. If TW helps you at all than my money was well spent.

Welcome to TW girl I hope you stick around.

Moon,
Restricting personal information to full members keeps a lot of bothersome, undesirable and obnoxious people from bothering the ladies. There are other sites, but some charge and some are free but don't provide the extras. Most of us are at TW because of the Community. I'm a basic member but find plenty here to keep me coming back. Truthfully, I've never found a reason to search for another site to replace TW. I have dozens of TW contacts on my Yahoo chat and some on other chat services. A little time in the chatroom and you will find friends and get other's chat links. It's also easier to get involved in a chat with a dozen people in our chatroom. Many of our full members are that to support the site financially.

You can contact someone initially by sending a PM from their member's page.