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Supporting my other half ...

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  • Hiya girls

    I found out a few weeks ago that my partner of over 20 years is CD/TV. Truly, once the initial shock wore off, it was a huge relief. It's been pretty obvious for ages that s/he's been increasingly unhappy and restless, and I'm so glad that I know now. The last couple of months have seen our lives improve in so many ways. I'm so happy to have my very much loved mate back, instead of the depressed, anxious and lonely person s/he was becoming. I really don't care how s/he dresses or chooses to express his/herself in private or in public as long as s/he feels right doing it. And I have to say it is fun to have a new girlfriend, too. Shopping just got a whole lot more interesting.

    I've joined trannyweb for a couple of reasons, really:

    Firstly, because I want to share both sides of my partner's life; and that means that the TG community is now my gang too. Without treading on her toes or intruding into her personal space, I hope to be able to share a social life with my new girl as well as with the old bloke.

    Secondly, I wanted to talk to you other girls (whichever kind you are ...) because the better I get to know other TVs and their families, the better I'll understand my own. What I really want to know at the moment is whether anyone has any particular advice for how I can make her feel good about herself en femme? It makes me feel really sad that I've lived for so long with a lonely girl who has never had flowers, compliments, attention and all the things that those of us who are born as girls take for granted.

    So, is there anything special that you would like your partners to do for you (or that you have done for your partners, depending on who's reading this!) that would hit the spot? Any advice gratefully received!

    Cheers.
    Lizzie
      March 7, 2008 10:44 PM GMT
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  • Hi Lizzie and first of all, welcome to TW. From reading your post it seems like you are doing all the right things to make a transgendered girl feel very good about herself. For me, I think some of the nicest things my other half did was to buy clothes, jewellery, make up etc with me, which was a huge statement in her accepting me, it meant so much.

    Shopping is such a pastime with us, you can never ever do enough of that together. lol

    You can also do those things that YOU like as a woman, I'm sure that they would be well received by your partner.

    If you are both ready, go out together somewhere dressed. Whether that is to a bar or shopping or just out for an evening stroll, I don't doubt that you will find your partner so happy about being able to go somewhere as herself that the bond between you will go from strength to strength.

    Best wishes to you both.

    Nikki
    Every woman is beautiful, some show it with their faces, others show it with their hearts.
      March 7, 2008 11:13 PM GMT
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  • Lizzie, Clothing tips are pretty much a given, but what I really enjoy from my wife is when she takes time to explain skin care products. There are so many and often it becomes mind boggling where to start.

    Love,
    Marsha
      March 7, 2008 11:32 PM GMT
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  • Hello Lizzie, welcome!

    I can only speak from personal experience here, and I'm quite new myself, but I'd suggest makeup and wigs.
    If your partner has been hiding this for so long, I doubt that she will have had the time to experiment - and I'm finding it an absolute nightmare
    Sit her next to you as you apply your makeup and explain what/why/how you're doing what you do, then help her with hers....I'd absolutely love that if it was me!

    I think you're wonderful for being so understanding and supportive of your partner. Thank you.


    Nicky
    XXX
      March 8, 2008 8:33 AM GMT
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  • Hi everyone. Thanks for your replies. Nikki, I really like the idea of just going for an evening stroll together; I think that would be a perfect thing to do. We'll have to get her some slightly flatter shoes first, though; doubt she can stroll far in those killer heels!

    It's a funny thing about make-up and stuff. I've never really done all that girl-stuff myself, and my OH is probably better at it than me! In fact, since I found out about her I've been making far more effort myself and having a lot of fun doing it. I think in the past I've probably got a really cool response (from my OH) when I have been girlie and dressed up and have just gradually abandoned it. I know now that this didn't stem from [his] lack of interest but from a fear of showing too much interest ... if you see what I mean. So now we're both much freer to do what we want ... hurray!

    I have wondered whether this avoidance of an SO's femininity is typical of TVs who are still coming to terms with their own identity, and would be very interested to know what others think?

    Love, Lizzie

      March 8, 2008 9:48 PM GMT
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  • Hi Lizzie, I'm glad I could help. As for your recent post, I don't know about an avoidance of a partner's femininity, I would say it is more of a case of jealousy. I think they would be wishing that it was them who was getting dressed up and putting their heels on. For some people, it's easier not to have to deal with it so maybe that is why you had a cool response.

    I think you will find that the two of you will start 'competing' with looks and clothes and the upside of this is that you will both end up looking great.

    Have fun, life is too short for missed opportunities.

    Nikki
    Every woman is beautiful, some show it with their faces, others show it with their hearts.
      March 8, 2008 10:15 PM GMT
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  • Moderator
    121
    Hi Lizzie!!!

    Firstly welcome to TW!!! Nice to see another supportive SO Sadly we are a rare breed


    Lots of fabbo advice from the girls!!

    From one SO to another tho, all our situations are different, BUT!!! They all have a special girl
    who needs our love and support at the core of it.


    Regarding the getting into "girly mode" yerself!!! I was the same!!!!

    I was like........she looks so fab and so much more girly than me!!!!!

    It int a competion( I would lose ) but I am more aware of how i look now tho.

    I may very well be wearing the sockings and sussys (that Mandy got me for Christmas) on our "Fab
    Nights Out" and some rather fetching short skirts, but I draw the line at make-up!!!!

    Soz. I tend to waffle on.

    You can PM me if you want

    Take care





    E-J XX
      March 15, 2008 8:41 PM GMT
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  • 71
    I can so relate to you all!

    I've always been a tomboy, never really interested in clothes & makeup, but when I met Abi, I suddenly felt dowdy & started to look hard at what I wore.
    Now I'm no longer a tomboy (isn't it the opposite of TV- just kidding, but society accepts it!)

    She's given me a confidence in my own femininity & can do makeup so much better than me!
    Thank God also that we share the same dress size- my wardrobe expanded so much! I'll admit that I borrow more of her clothes & makeup than the other way round.

    I do remember that, shortly after we got together & she'd told me, it was Valentine's Day. I went along to La Senza for some sexy red undies for her, bought her eyelash curlers & a single red rose, bottle of champagne & luxury chocolate ice cream- all things that I would have loved for myself (apart from eyelash curlers- mine are ridiculously long & curl naturally).

    I basically just figure that if I'd be thrilled with something, then she will be too.
    Strength springs from adversity
      March 16, 2008 12:43 AM GMT
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  • Here's a reply that will knock your socks off...My mate has WAY better fashion sense than I do....S/he has always been a CD, from the beginning of our relationship...When we met he was open about his preference for wearing girly clothing...and I frustrated him...I am a blue jeans and sweatshirt girl..I keep my hair short, I do wear make-up....but neither of us really understood what really was going on...I could not understand why he was making such a huge deal about my "comfort" clothing and he could not understand why, me being a natural girl, why I wasn't making an effort to glam it up...and he couldn't understand why it was bugging him so bad...In the last year and a half, he really took a step back and had to really look deep inside to realize that on the outside he may exude the confidence and demeaner of a man....He could take charge of hundreds of people who worked for and with him...but there was also a part of him that yearned to wear pinks frilly lacey panties, the touch of nylons on his skin gave him the erotic charge of naughtyness, and when wearing his favorite skirt and stilettos, he was a calm, loving, sweet person...To be honest with you, she is a nicer person than he is...He tried to run from her and I will admit, our marriage went through a very bad stressful time,  it was very near ruined....He tried to hide Lindsey away...He tried to kill her,,,but she is stronger than him and she prevails....Our marriage at this time is on the mend....She is like a shy deer, wanting to come out, but so afraid to be judged...not knowing who to trust..including me...and I try so hard to let her know, I love her....I need her love...i need her affection..but she seems so scared to just be herself...and it is a pity...there are times i put my make up on and try to look nice for her...and I think i look nice and BAM she comes out and her make up look flawless, her accsessories match her shoes, which matches her purse...There have been times that we have gone out and he has allowed me to wear her clothing, he has done my make up and hair for me..he has picked out my clothing for me..and I looked hot...but we are not in the situation where she can publicly be herself...and I know it kills her to watch me getting compliments on (her) clothing on me...and I do tell the female friends we have that my (husband) picked out my outfit....women are impressed with his fashion sense....I just really hope that Lindsey can be happy....there are times i wonder if I am being a good SO...I try so hard to be a good wife to my husband and a good friend to Lindsey...and there are times that they both seem so sad...and i do not know what to do.....I do not want to walk away...I refuse..but it seems at times like they are pushing me away...I keep hoping that the two people i love dearly with all my heart could find the answers they need, the happiness they deserve, and the peace of mind to love one another....I have always thought of myself as a girl with no self esteem, no courage and little strength...All i can say is...to be the SO of a TG, one really has to be strong, supportive, compassionate and loving....I have always been told that GOD only gives you what you are strong enough to handle.....He must really have faith in my strength.....


     


    Well...thank you for reading this and allowing me to vent... LoriWink

      June 10, 2011 1:04 AM BST
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  • 1 146

    Hi Lori, I am the Transgendered one in long term relationship , and I would just like to say thank you  this is a beautiful message , - socks should be blown off in such a manner.There is no denying the hurt and pain in  a relationship with a transgendered person as they Change invariably in a faltering way . I have been through some of this and may still go through more yet. If there is a message in return , it is that the Transgendered one has to always remember that in changing and becoming that better person they dont loose sight of the real love they have that supports them .-- 

    <p>Donna_V</p>
      June 13, 2011 11:15 PM BST
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  • Thank you....I am soooooo glad this site is out here...each day I laugh, i cry and I comiserate with everyone and thier stories.... 

      June 14, 2011 12:55 AM BST
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  • OMG...Lizzie...I am right there....I have always been a tomboy, even though I liked the way other girls looked in girly stuff, i just didn't think it was for me...(Some things aren't...Stilettos are not and never will be me) But, my mate's interest in being woman has made me expore my feminity moreso....and I am experimenting with new jewelery and clothing myself...Now my mate, has more fashion sense than me and actually asks for specific items when I go out shopping...like certain shoes and undies and purses...Soooooo, i just go but those certain items in her size and then maybe the same in my size...so as I walk away from the register and the clerk is scratching his/her head, I snicker inside...

      June 14, 2011 1:02 AM BST
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  • Hi Lori, I am the TG and my wife is much the same way as you. She is tough and very much a tom-boy. She doesn't wear make-up and likes to dress comfortable. This semi anti-girly attitude is what attracted me to her. I needed someone who would be strong enough to let me be the woman I am.


    I can understand how your SO maybe feeling. I myself go through bouts where I am or was very depressed and trying to run awayfrom myself. My wife has been very suportive however and that has helped. I admire both hers and yours strength to stand by your man/woman. For me my wifes support has been great and is helping me to realize that atleast in my case while I lead two different lives, it's all still me. She finds that shoping for me is much easier because the male persona I had was very drab (everythingwas black and/or dark in nature).


    You already seem so supportive and set in your desire to help herbe who she needs to be. I was wondeing if she is seeing a therapist. You can recomend this andlet her know that it doesn't need to be considered a bad thing to seek help.(This is if she isn't already going) The therapist may be able to help the two people find the answers they need.


    Beyond that I don't know if there is much else you can do. As a friend pointed out to me sometimes it can be hard on the friends and family keeping the secret or getting used to the situation in general.


    Just keep strong and make sure to take care of yourself. While we need or SOs to be strong we also need them to be true to their selves and keep themselves together.

      June 15, 2011 9:13 PM BST
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  • We are going to see a therapist next week....

      June 15, 2011 10:56 PM BST
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  • HI Lori,


    You are a very special woman to be as understanding and supportive of your SO.  God gave your S.O. an angel (you) to help her.  I wish both of you the best in all you do!


    MichelleLynn

      June 15, 2011 11:48 PM BST
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  • Hi my name is Sharon, my husband told me the weekend that he was a tv. It wasn't too much of a shock coz to be honest he'd been trying little things to break the news. We had a break down in our marriage just over a year ago when he was leaving me for another woman, but we got through it and decided to make ago of things because we have three lovely children to think of but at this time he said that he liked wearing my underwear. I told him that it was fine and I had no problem with it. Then just joking around in the supermarket I said would you like some lippy he said no at this point but we just laughed and joked about it. We continued to buy underwear, sex has been amazing then last week he went on a course with work and whilst he was texting me he asked me if it was ok for him to go the full hog dress, shoes, makeup and wig. I said it was fine as long as he was happy coz for years he's been so depressed which has brought us all down as a family. I went and bought him a dress and shoes, so when he got home he was chuffed but through our texts he kept on with being a tv, so I made him talk to me about it then he said he was a tv and he has been like this for years. The problem that I have is I'm scared of the unknown the man I have loved for so many years is going to change into something new. Will I love the new him, I'm scared because he will change so much facially. I am supporting him but I'm scared
      December 5, 2011 2:25 PM GMT
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  • Moderator
    121
    Sharon Guy said:
    Hi my name is Sharon, my husband told me the weekend that he was a tv. It wasn't too much of a shock coz to be honest he'd been trying little things to break the news. We had a break down in our marriage just over a year ago when he was leaving me for another woman, but we got through it and decided to make ago of things because we have three lovely children to think of but at this time he said that he liked wearing my underwear. I told him that it was fine and I had no problem with it. Then just joking around in the supermarket I said would you like some lippy he said no at this point but we just laughed and joked about it. We continued to buy underwear, sex has been amazing then last week he went on a course with work and whilst he was texting me he asked me if it was ok for him to go the full hog dress, shoes, makeup and wig. I said it was fine as long as he was happy coz for years he's been so depressed which has brought us all down as a family. I went and bought him a dress and shoes, so when he got home he was chuffed but through our texts he kept on with being a tv, so I made him talk to me about it then he said he was a tv and he has been like this for years. The problem that I have is I'm scared of the unknown the man I have loved for so many years is going to change into something new. Will I love the new him, I'm scared because he will change so much facially. I am supporting him but I'm scared

     

    Hugs chick!  You appear to be doing really well and being very supportive, so well done you. Its still early days and you are still in shock I know. The best I can say at the mo is keep talking about this. Hubby says he is a Transvestite, that doesn't mean his physical appearance will change, only in a superficial (sp?)  way. He is still "him" but is also "her/she" at times. Dont despair Sharon, it really int the end of the world, it is an adjustment tho. You are in the right place to get support. Please to PM me or Lori if you need a private chat

     

    E-J XX
      December 5, 2011 7:30 PM GMT
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