I have been with a tg for over a year now. Our relationship has had its share of problems. But this is the main problem.

When we first were together, his being mtf did not bother me. I encouraged him to dress and be himself. As much as he could. He could never pass, his looks are rugged and handsome. It doesn't bother me for him to dress female, but... I am not attracted to him at all when he's femme. I have tried, and given it time. But in the year we've been together, I too have grown a lot and come to know myself better- a lot due to him- and I find myself needing to be with a male partner- in body mind and spirit. Even though my bf is a great lover, and attractive - in the manly sense which he hates- I can't get aroused by him much anymore. Because though I love him... I have not been in love in some time.... because he isn't what my spirit needs... I wanted to make it work because he is a really kind good person, and very lovable.

I adore my bf as a person. He is The sweetest thing. But my feelings have faded over the past six months. I thought it was just me and accepted his proposal a few months ago. I hoped I would fall back in love.

I have told him recently that I had to accept for myself that what I'm feeling is just what it is... not what I hoped it would be or thought it should be, that the persona attractive to me seems to be the parts he hates, the persona which he presents to the world... this manly guy, always saying dude and just not really who he is. When alone with me he's more himself. And I'm attracted to him physically but not emotionally. I have to have that to be with someone.

All he could say was..."maybe in a few years..." No! I think no... you can't hide who you are more waiting for me to come around... it is not fair to either of us, meanwhile, he's listening to hypnosis to make him more female, and I am crying me eyes out because I had to realize I was in love with an ideal he cannot give me.

I seem to be the only person, certainly the only gf who has ever accepted him, and I really do- but as a person, as my friend... not my partner, which is not his fault! He's had a lot of issues that stem from living a lie and I do not want to see him repress himself.

I don' believe it is a matter of time, this is just how it is. I need to break up with him. But... I fear devastating him. He's told me that before me he was suicidal. He's in denial and doesn't seem to get that what I have said is not going to change for me. I don't want him to lose himself in depression again... and while I must put myself first.... I am having trouble with that.

I want to be there/here for him... I want to continue to be in his life if he wanted, but only as best friend... outside of a relationship, I can do that. I could so be here and support his change and his needs to be female in body as well as spirit. I am so scared of hurting him, of staying in this relationship where I am not happy and really he can't be himself...

Am I not right here, in thinking... this has to end? He deserves to find a love who really will accept him in every way? Seems he would rather live the fantasy... I want him to see the reality.

But I think to him I will just be another person who can't accept him... another girl who broke his heart. I know I have had many faults in this...

But I don't know what to do.

JF,
I was going to reply with the yes or no type answer, but then I realized at no time did you mention talking to a therapist about any of this. So that would be the first thing I would encourage you to do, have your bf and possibly yourself talk with a therapist to find out first off is your bf a CD/TV or maybe a TS. (crossdresser/transvestite or transsexual)

I am TS, been married 30yrs and out to my wife for only about 1 1/2yrs now. She has been accepting of my situation for just over a year now. It has not been easy to say the least, I just want you to know it can be done. Based on the language you have used, I can only assume you are both young. Honestly if your bf is TS and you want to marry a man, I would say in my opinion it will not likely work. However if your bf is a CD/TV, you have the possibilities of the best of both worlds. A loving, caring man who just happens to have a feminine side.

Think about what you want in a husband. Most likely someone who understands your needs, will provide and protect you and be a good father to your children. Someone who can relate to you and will care about you. Pretty straight forward ideal stuff. The difference is what a man believes a good husband should be. A man wants someone he can share his life with, but he feels he has fulfilled his obligation when he provides for his family. This does not mean he is a bad person, but the emotional, feeling side of things never comes in to play. With a CD/TV, you get both, the man and the feelings.

Love,
Marsha

Hello JF,
I wish it was under happier circumstances, but welcome to Trannyweb all the same.

It seems that it all started off so well, but its gone wrong somewhere along the way.
I get the impression that you have been very supportive of your partner, but maybe he hasnt been quite as supportive of you?

You are physically attracted to him, and you were hoping to be the same towards her, but it hasnt worked out that way, so now your putting yourself through hell because you feel its all your fault.

You dont tell us much about how the dressing works, but i get the feeling that its more than you would like it to be. Perhaps any dressing now is too much, because you are blaming yourself for not being able to love her, in the same way you want to love him?

Only you can decide if its right for you to carry on with the relationship as it is, or to change the relationship in one way or another. What is clear though is that you two need to talk. There are a lot of very big issues that need to be discussed, so you both need to find a way of opening up and discussing whats on your minds.

You do seem to care very much about your partner, so talking will help you both either way the relationship goes. It takes a very special girl to accept that her man also wants to be a girl, and its not your fault if you cant do this, so dont blame yourself if your needs are driving you towards a more typical relationship. If your partner can accept this situation, your relationship as friends could end up far better than as lovers.

Hi JF,

I so relate to your situation, I went through it myself, it is very hard, and yes both of you will be hurt, that is a reality, But, as you said you "love him" but are "not in love with him" there is the difference that counts.

My now ex and I went through the same changing of feelings toward each other. Did it hurt, yes, it hurt, a lot, for both of us, but, we started out as friends, good friends, the break up was nasty at times, and both of us were hurt over the loss of the person we fell "in love" with. Thankfully, we both have remained friends, and have gotten back to that relationship, are there times when the memory makes us cry, of course, but as you, we do "love" each other, just not "in love" with each other.

I will not tell you what you should do, but it sounds like your heart already did.
I just wanted to relate a bit of my experience, for the two of us to be able to remain friends means so much to both us, I hope the two of you can do the same.
I think it is wonderful you want to support him in this journey, and I thank you for wanting to be there for him, all of us, including you, need the support of those we love, and love us.

I wish you all the best during this, and welcome to the best place to be for support out there.

"Take Care of You" Hugs, Bridgette

I haven't been able to come back here til now, and I wanted to say thank you for all your words and support.

I do feel like it's all my fault. Like I mislead him- her- heck I don't even know the right pronoun because we agreed on using the male words some time ago but I know he would do anything to be female. He would gladly pass as female, have facial and breast surgery, and best case scenario for him is to have complete reassignment surgery, but there is simply not money for it.

I know I want to break up with him. But because things keep happening... crazy life keeps happening, I keep putting it off. And because I know it's going to hurt him so badly... he tends to crumble under pain, which considering how much he's had may be understandable, the idea of hurting him is like stepping on a puppy. The longer we are together though, the worse I feel. Every day is a reminder of what I hoped for and was thinking we would have.

I've tried talking with him more... but he just says "I don't want to lose you" and gets teary eyed and I lose my courage. I've told him my feelings have changed and that I don't blame him, but me for wanting to feel a certain way about things and thinking I could just because he was so sweet and kind... but it's just not right. I also don't think he understands... discovering that I am not in love with him and that all my emotions are not geared for a relationship, has totally devastated me. I had dreams and hopes, too.

I'm rotten at having an emotional partner... I need my partner to be the stronger, less emotional type because I am damn emotional myself and have serious mental/emotional stability challenges... anyway, I know that honesty now is better than prolonging everything... but then all this crap keeps happening to him and now to me and now he has no car and without that he has no way to leave if I managed to actually break up without having a total nervous breakdown. And now we're dealing with legal stuff... and I wish he was just the type to say, "Ok we can get through this, be apart, and when we're done I will move out. It's going to be okay. We will be friends and I'll be okay and I won't fall apart, and I will keep my job, and I will be okay."

Wishful thinking.

Thank you all so much. This really is a wonderful place. He introduced me to it actually, but he doesn't post here or look at it... I wish to Gods he would, he has NO interaction with other TGs... which I think is a shame, his entire world of TG seems to be in fantasizing himself in it, pornography, wishing he was female, and then he wants this regular looking life to everyone out in the world. But when he was dressing around the house... he seemed really happy. He won't do that now because I told him I don't find him attractive like that even though it does not bother me... because I was hoping he would see it meant we need to be apart, not that he needed to repress himself.

He needs to be in a place like this, and he will not do it. I've tried to get him to go to support groups in our GLBT community, where we used to live, but he also wouldn't do that. I think people like those here would help him find it in his reality. But that's another subject.

I think you are who you are and that there are som things about yourself that you just can't change without risking your mental health.
One of those things for your BF is perhaps that he is a TV. He can't change that and it's not his fault that he can't. But the same thing goes for you too. You can't change who you fall in love with or even out of love with, that's not your fault either.
A relationship is built on two people and both have to adapt to each other but only to a point at which they feel comfortable themselves. If you adapt too much to the other person and it begin to compromize who you are as a person, the relationship becomes bad for you.

I'm sure you have had relationships in the past that did't work out for one reason or another, I know I have. Some of those relationships I have ended myself and most of the times I figured "too bad it didn't work out" but I wouldn't consider staying in a relationship that in the end I know wouldn't work out. That's just unfair to everyone.

I don't know what you should do... but it almost seems that you have made up your mind already. I just don't believe in staying in a relationship for the sake of someone else. And I don't think that makes you a bad person.

Hi JF,

It sounds to me like you have tried to do the best for your bf and been supportive and encouraging, but it also seems to me that you already know in your heart what you have to do. It isn't my place to tell you to stay together or not, only you can make that decision. However, if you have no feelings for him with regard to a husband/wife relationship then I don't think you should be entering into marriage. It isn't fair on either of you and would mean your marriage is based upon a lie. That's going to destroy it sooner or later.

There is a huge difference depending on whether he is TV or TS and it may be worthwhile trying to find out where your bf is along the TG scale. If he is TS, he will very likely want to live as a female in the future, how would you feel about that? As a TV, yes, you can get a good deal, a man in touch with his feminine side is often a very good partner because they understand your needs better than most.

It is a very difficult choice and not one that can be made without hurting someone's feelings but ultimately it is a decision that must be taken sooner rather than later.

Nikki

JF.

I could copy and paste Bridgette's reply, with only one minor change.
I am 'not the man she married', but the rest is so close to my own experience it is almost word perfect.

Both of you can find a lot of support here.

There is not much more I can add that's not been said.

Hugs.