This a question for all what ever your persuasion is.

that means everyone TV / CD /TG /TS/Guys/ SO's."straight" Bisexual,Homosexual, Lesbian whatever you consider your sexuality to be and your status as in gender orientation.

Sexual Fidelity.

Is it relevant today ?
Do you suscribe to the act of being faithful to you partner ?
Would you knowingly become involved with someone even if you knew they had a long term relationship with a Girl Friend / Boy Friend ? and when I mean involved,i mean happily have sex with them ?

I ask because I have myself always been a faithful partner when I have been in a relationship whether a short term or long term ...you do not know if its either till the passage of time.
I have never knowingly have had sex with someone who is in a relationship.

If you have and it lead to a break up of that relationship did you feel any guilt ?

I know many who have been loyal and faithful to their partners/ wives/husbands.

I am suprised at how many people are just fine either cheating on their partner and still remaining in the relationship cheating either more than once with either just one person regulary or with many over time. Or being the other person the one who aids in someones partner cheating.

I have never been cheated on or cheated on another myself. I have never facilitated that for another either. So this not a posting of something that has happened to me personaly or has affected me in any way other than knowing of friends who have done so leaving me in a moral quagmire.

So be honest I am interested as to the motivations behind such acts.
To me it appears as a selfish act.
The obvious motivation is sex. Possibly linked to self esteem the need to feeling wanted , even loved. Maybe some who do's so live's in a sexless relationship but hasn't the strength to end the relationship either through fear of being alone or just because of habit its easier with the status quo.

I am sure the reasons given will be varied and probably justified by the practitioners.

Now intellectually I can understand open relationships and they are excluded from this question as both parties has the others consent to "play" though I have not met many who practice this who are both also emotionally mature to accept the arrangement often made by one of the dominant partners.

Am I old fashioned by being totaly faithful when entering into a relationship ? after all if you love someone and they love you then having one another should be enough. Unless of course your a raging Nympho ( they do exist most of my G/F were).

I know throughout time men have often had mistresses and in many cultures many wives. but for you here in the western world where the morality used to be dictated by the church though its grip has faded in our secular society......now the leash is off, are humans now they can let their various motivations do as they feel when it comes to sex ,the stigma of infidelity removed now becoming an acceptable face of modern life ?

I have put here many questions for you to ponder and I have tried to cover all the relevent points to help prompt your thoughts about this.

Go Girls, Boys, Inbetweenies and everyone else give me your Honest thoughts in your replies.

thanks.

I'm not sure you make those decisions in advance of a relationship forming. Relationships develop as they go along. I don't expect sexual fidelity from a partner ( not a term I like as no lover has ever been a partner of mine outside the bedroom ). I do expect to be cheated on. So I enjoy the relationship while it lasts. I most certainly could not tolerate an open relationship. I'm actually a very jealous person and am probably a bit clingy and needy. Someone who is in constant need of reassurance. I don't forgive people that hurt me and everyone who has ever cheated on me is a non-person as far as I'm concerned. I would not help, speak to, or even acknowledge them again under any circumstances. Have I cheated on someone myself - yes I have. Why? Because they deserved it. Sexual fidelity, or lack of, can also be a weapon. I believe that fidelity or an emotional and sexual commitment to one specific person only lasts until someone better comes along, either that or you are unlucky. Well that answers some of the questions. I may be a bit cynical, either that or it is late and I'm tired.

edited for spelling

Hi all.
Thank you with your open and honest answers.

I have lifted some interesting points experiences and replys to my post from elsewhere.You may find them interesting and worth some consideration. ( I hope )

you may not know these girls ( I do ) they are very experienced and knowledgable so thought I would share them here.

At the bottom of all the quotes I have made a kind of summary of my thoughts after reading all post here and else,where as the higher the responses, the more recieved and read, the broader the perspective on a subject.


Moonbeam said.
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Being the way I am, I don’t believe in being unfaithful, I consider it rude. However, an agreement between partners means that there is no misunderstanding, no confusion and no deceit. The only problem ever came in differentiation between a physical act and love, both of which are totally different.
I really applaud your morals, and I hope and pray the situation never arises where you have to question them, because it hurts like hell. But when you come out the other side and then have something that is honest and loving, it’s worth more than a bit of paper, more than getting wound up and paranoid. It’s peaceful it’s truthful and for me, it’s on a higher level.
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ClareG said
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Sometimes the person we love is best served in their path through life by moving on. It is then a case of 'I love you so I let you go'. I have 'let go' a couple of time. There is a certain amount of sadness but also a huge sense of relief that there is no anger and bitterness. It all comes back to being honest and possibly not trying to make other another person responsible for our happiness.
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ChloeDhama said
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What i judge is betrayal, i judge making a promise.....not a promise like "yeah i'll hoover before i go out" or "yeah i promise i'll do the washing up tonight".....but a promise that to alot of people really really means alot, and when it's broken causes an incredible amount of pain. Breaking that, and knowingly causing that pain in that way is what i judge. I think everybody at least deserves the dignity to be allowed to decide whether to stay or go before having that done to them.

I can see why you might think that maybe in years to come i'll change my mind. That's fair comment, i can't see it myself.....but who knows....if i do then ii'll be quite red faced.....but given how i feel now and how i've always felt i really can't see that happening.
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Trisha D Said
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People have the right to make their own judgements of course - nobody in their right mind for instance would wish to make a case for murder being a matter of personal ethics only.

But the problem where human relationships are concerned however is that I strongly believe that circumstances alter cases and that an ethical or moral standpoint that makes no differentiation, in terms of whats 'wrong', between 1/ a priapic and totally selfish individual who considers they have a God given right to shag anything in sight and to hell with the effect on their family, and 2/ someone who uses a relationship with a third party as an escape from a miserable and abusive relationship, lacks compassion and understanding. No reflection on any individuals posting but I have little time for the sort of moral absolutism that infects the stated position of institutions like the popular press and that often finds a voice on here......
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SarahxJane Said
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Everyone is different and like Pen said we shouldn't judge. I believe in being faithful to my partner because that is how I want a relationship. I can't stop anyone from cheating on me (I hope I haven't been pooped on) and if I was to be cheated on I would end it because thats my decision, I won't stand for anyone doing it to me.
Alot of couples are in an open relationship and that is their choice, if they are happy then thats all good.
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Nats_Wallis Said
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So my own personal humanist beliefs are simple, one cannot commit emotionally or sexually with two people at one time. I did look at it once in 2005 when a woman I loved fell for a friend of mine. She told me she loved my friend more than me but loved me also. We considered an open polyamorous relationship where she had a primary relationship with my friend who lived away, and had a seocondary one with me. To an extent we sort of managed it for 3 months but the fidelity factor in both me, my erstwhile friend and the lesbian lass was too strong.

Ply relationships are NOT cheating and as SarahAnn I think was intimating her worry was that cheating partners who do not involve ther primary partners in their decision to take a secondary partner or playmate are not being fair to themselves or either of their partners since deceit as Chloe affirmed damages all but the person in the middle who has 2 partners.

That person generally must hold both partner and playmate in such disregard that they will not enter into a dialogue since he (or her) normally maintains both in a position of blithe ignorance of the existence of the other.

Once that bond of trust is breached, then the central player will conmtinue to disregard the needs and motivations of their primary and/or secondary partners and go on a rampage of romance or lust, the classic criminal example of it all being taken to its conclusion being bigamists.
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Jenni B Said
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Fidelity is my personal choice and it is an element that is fundamental in the relationship Jo and I share. It is my choice for me only. What works for others works for them, it is of no one elses business to say who is right and who is wrong.

Stangely it is an issue that is affects Jo and myself greatly at present. We no longer have a sexual relationship, Jo is heterosexual, not lesbian, we no longer share a bedroom and even the tangible evidence of our vows is decreed to be no longer valid by the Gender Recognition Act, we recognise ourtselves as being in a "special sisters" relationship and introduce each other to strangers as Sisters so what if either of us wanted a sexual relationship, would it still constitute infidelity?
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Kimberley_Whittaker Said
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A relationship is a partnership between two people, and as long as they are open and honest with each other, and both are happy with any other relationship, either (or both) may have then that's fine, but it's also when a "partner" then embarks on a "secret liaison" and then deliberately misleads the person they are having that secondary relationship with is just plain unfair and selfish.

the bottom line is whatever relationship(s) one may be in it's only fair and respectful to the other participant(s) that they are made aware of one's situation in the first place.

To be in a relationship and then to deceive both ones partner and the person they are having an affair with is (in my eyes) plain wrong, and will inevitably lead to distress being caused to others.
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Frances Said
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The reality is, there is a slow but gradual falling away (we've all been there), a ‘falling out of love’ if you must? A slow but steady decline, for some weeks, for others, over many years.

How else, or what other indicators are there for ‘this was but is no longer right for me’ and…’there is a new beginning.’
We’re human, we are emotive, we have failings, we are not yet machines!
If I was cheated on, and I have been, I'd first have to ask myself, ‘where did this relationship take a wrong turn,’ not throw some hissy fit of....’But look at me, I'm so wonderful/beautiful, why would you ever consider it?’
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Trisha D Said
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I've been in very intense relationships in the past where the love has been genuine. And I've subsequently been dumped. People change over time. In successful relationships the change gets absorbed and the relationship changes to reflect that. In other relationships, while genuine love may be present, the relationship may not be strong enough to adapt.

Its an old cliche but a successful long term relationship isnt just based on love. Its based on trust and on a very special form of friendship as well.....
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Lady Penelope Said

Quote What I'm arguing that you DON'T have is the right to make other peoples' choices your business too, and condemn them because their own choices are different from yours. I've said this before, but it bears repeating - there may be any number of reasons why a person has extra-marital sexual relationships, and those reasons may not necessarily be selfish ones.

If my posts sounded unduly strongly-worded, it's because I've had personal experience - from both sides of this question - of the misery and distress which can be caused when people try to impose a "one-size-fits-all" set of rules and values on this kind of thing, and then apply those values to others' situations and circumstances which they may know absolutely nothing about.

"Expressing a personal preference" is one thing. Proposing that everyone else "should" or "must" share that preference - as Sarah did when she said "if you love someone and they love you then having one another should be enough" - and condemning them when they don't, is quite another, in my opinion.....

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I have tried to lift all the relevant points to this posting showing that for some their views are conjunct.

I would like to Say to Lady Penelope that my last relationship was with a GG who of course I loved and knew that she was Bi and into other women before I entered into said relationship. I am neither a possesive or jealous person I actually strongly believe in a persons right to be who and what they are and to express that in whatever manor that requires. I had no issues or troubles about her seeing other women I even encouraged her with my blessing umpteen times I never considered this as a betrayal or infedelity because it was an agreement within our relationship.
The reason for me leaving her was due to her alchoholism even though she was a sucessful business women I couldnt help her as she did not accept her problem at that time . She stays in touch and constantly seeks my advice on her relationships new and with her family (long story).

I cannot find the post or where in the post it was but I am certain it was Lady Penelopes partner
she mentioned that she had cheted on her as she had not revealed her dressing her status as a TV.........I do not see that as cheating just a lack of openess and honesty in the relationship which lead to total openess and honesty.

This is my core belief that any relationship can only ever be built upon Honesty and openess this leads to trust,trust is earnt having such trust makes a relationship strong hence why some are able to forgive their partners indiscretions.which can make the relationship stronger.

Is their degrees of Infedelity ? poss for instance ones partner having meaningless sex ie sex for sex sake is not the same as having an illecit love affair as that is someone being cheated on emotionally.

Why though can so many find it difficult to believe that someone can not be 100% faithful with that I mean both emotionally and sexually ?
and being of such character does not necessarily mean that they will be evangelical about being so

Just because I and someone like Chloe actually live by principles we believe in and practice in our lives just means we will hope to find another who does so.
Of course we may be narrowing considerably our options for a partner taking into account human beings natural tendancies and behaviours but it our choice.

I have observed over the years people grow apart. This is inevitable as we still grow as individuals throughout our lives as we learn new ideas new ways to live new interests we become more or less different than we was when say 18.

most of what I was hoping to learn has been expressed by many who posted a response / reply.So thank you again for all of your posts .

we live we learn we make our choices we make our mistakes we all get hurt this is life its better than playing it safe we have to take chances. Ithink once you have reached middle age you have a damn good idea who you are , what you like, what you desire or expect to get from life and also what choices you make are then based on a lot of experience gained.

There are no right or wrongs just our own individual choices when it comes to Fidelity and Morals. We choose the ones that sits with us best that we are most comfortable living and acting by.

Love is emphemeral we seek it and take it where we can.


Enjoy your life.

Sarah.XXX

I can answer from 2 sides.
I've only been in 4 real relationships. No I did not cheat. Though I could have. If I love someone why would I want to have sex with someone else.
When not in one I'll have sex with a girl if I like her one night & a different girl next time.
NO I do not mess with married women. Big BIG trouble!!!
If they get into a fight with thier husband they might through your name out there to hurt him.
Where I work somwe guys are very happy with thier wifes & don't evan think of cheating. While others will have sex with anyone willing.

This is indeed a loaded question. I never cheated on my wife while I was with her. I had opportunities, as I am sure she did, but I chose never to act on them. It was important for me to know I was worthy of her trust.

As for cheating, what about emotional affairs, whereby their is a strong attraction but no physical contact? This falls under that old term "temptation." To me I see two types of temptation:
1. You see someone hot, check out that person for a moment or two with thoughts of what you would like to do with that person, then you let it go.
2. You begin to act on those feelings.

Let's be honest, we all look! My ex used to say that "if something gorgeous passes before your eyes, you look." If my partner is going to look at someone, I'd rather not know about it, as long as she is subtle. I had an ex-girlfriend who made it abundantly clear to me when she had the hots for someone else. That is just rude. I guess I shouldn't mention my fantasy about having Maggie Thatcher and Janet Reno is a mud wrestling match with gay Arab bikers.

I choose to be faithful because it is just that - MY choice, and not because the Church, or anyone else, tells me to. I once took a survey conducted by a student. One of the questions was "If you could cheat on your spouse and nobody would ever know about it, would you do it?" My answer was NO! I would know, and the guilt would be too much

The same applies to any partners I might have. If she wants to go with someone else, I would prefer she gives me the benefit of breaking up with me first. That same girl I mentioned before decided to starting seeing someone else without breaking up with me first. The thing is, when I shacked up with another girl the week after we broke up, she became jealous and angry! In other words, she was free to see other people but I was not.

I am not mentioning this with any anger. I am merely stating something that happened to me some years ago as a way of illuminating my points. I harbor no ill will towards what happened.

Mere

How many pre-ops can actually have sex with the hormones reducing their libido to zero?

To some people i guess Sexual Fidelity is still important in today's society......although not to everybody.

As for the Question of being faithful to your partner, speakin on a personal level here i NEVER have & NEVER will cheat on my GF. We've been together almost 3 years now & not once have i even thought about it because we've never been happier so why would i want to cheat?


Lol xxxxxxx
Anna-Marie