April 23, 2008 3:33 PM BST
Hi Girls,
The existing jokes threads are getting so long, that I thought it might be a good idea to start up a "Part II" thread !
So, to open it up .................................
CHILDBIRTH @ 65.
With all the technology regarding fertility recently, a 65 year old friend of mine was able to give birth!!
When she was discharged from the hospital, and went home, I went to visit.
"May I see the new baby?" I asked.
"Not yet", she said, "I'll make coffee, and we'll have a chat first".
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet", she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I again asked "May I see the baby now?"
"No, not yet", said my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"
"When he cries", she told me.
"when he cries?", I demanded, "Why do I have to wait until he cries?"
"Because I forget where I put him, OK ?!!!"
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
April 23, 2008 4:00 PM BST
THE INFAMOUS TESCO MURDER ...............................
Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems, by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie". Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand, until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and, reluctantly, agreed to accept the pound as down-payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department, and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands, and, as the poor, unsuspecting woman, drew her last breath, and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled, unexpectedly, on the murder scene.
Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind,ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well!
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras, and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store!
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole, sordid, plan, including his unusual financial arrangement with the hapless husband, who was quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..........................................
(You're going to hate me for this !!!!!) ......................................................
"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO's !"
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
April 23, 2008 8:00 PM BST
Girls, I just had this eMailed to me, and thought you'd enjoy it !! .............................
AUNTY RAYLENE.
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment .................
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back, and one by one, bagan to tell their stories.
Karl said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time, we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car, when we hit a big bump in the road, and all the eggs went flying and broke, and made a mess".
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good", said the teacher.
Next, little Emilie raised her hand, and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chooks for the meat market. One day, we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched, we only got 10 live chicks, and the moral of the story is ............ Don't count your chickens before they're hatched!"
"That was a fine story, Emilie".
"Mark, have you a story to share?"
"Yes. My dad told me this story about my Aunty Raylene.
Aunty Raylene was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail-out over enemy terretory, and all she had was a bottle of rum, a machine gun, and a machette.
She drank all the rum on the way down, so it wouldn't break, and then she landed, right in the middle of 100 enemy troops!
She killed 70 of them with the machine gun, until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed 20 more with the machette, until the blade broke! And then she killed the last 10 with heer bare hands!"
"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher.
"What kind of moral did your father tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Raylene when she's been on the p*ss !!"
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
April 26, 2008 12:29 PM BST
Tom had been ship-wrecked on the un-inhabited island now for over a year.
Sitting on the beach on morning, gazing wistfully out to sea, he noticed a stunning, Halle Berry-like girl, walking towards him, out of the sea, wearing a very revealing white wet-suit !!
As she aproached Tom, she said, "Don't be afraid, you're not going mad after all this time alone here! I am your Fairy Godmother! And I have come to ease your suffering! I can grant you 3 wishes, but, unfortunately, I cannot send you home!!"
Tom thought for a moment, and said, " I've been living on berries and leaves for the past year! Could I have an endless supply of proper food, to make my time here more bearable?"
The fairy godmother slowly pulled the zip at the front of her wet-suit down a few inches, reached inside, and brought out some fairy-dust, which she scattered around, and instantly, there were boxes and boxes of all sorts of food everywhere!
Tom thought again, and said, "I've been living on water for the past year! I'd love a never-ending supply of good wine!!
Again the fairy godmother pulled the zip on the front of her wet-suit down, a few inches more, reached in, and brought out some fairy-dust, which she scattered around, and, suddenly, there were thousands of cases of wine piled high all around him!
Tom was just starting to think about what to ask for, for his third wish, when the fairy-godmother said " If I might suggest something for your third wish, it might help you".
Tom said "OK, what would you suggest?".
The fairy-godmother said, "Well, you've been here for over a year now, and you've not had the opportunity, so maybe you'd like to "play around!"
"Great !!!! You know, that would be the thing I've missed the most being here! So for my third wish, I'll have a set of golf clubs then !!!!!"
April 26, 2008 7:21 PM BST
CO-INCIDENCES.
A chicken farmer weny to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up, and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a co-incidence" the farmer says, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating!"
"This is a special day for me, too. I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a co-incidence", says the farmer. As they clink glasses, the farmer asks, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today, my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a co-incidence", says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years, all my hens have been infertile, but, today, they're finally laying fertilized eggs!"
"That's great!" says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different c*ck", he said.
The woman smiled and said, "What a co-incidence ..................................... !!!"
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
April 29, 2008 4:20 PM BST
David Beckham decides to have a go at horse-riding.
Although he has no previous experience, he skillfully mounts the horse, and appears to be in complete control of the situation, as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria, admiringly, watches her husband.
After a short time, David becomes a little casual, and he begins to lose his grip on the saddle. He panics, and grabs the horse round the neck, shouting for it to stop!
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband, as David has, by this time, slipped completely out of the saddle, and is only saved from hitting the ground, by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.
David decides that his best chance, is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along, David's head is banging on the ground, and he is slipping into unconciousness!
Victoria is now frantic, and screams and screams for help!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco security guard comes out of the store, and un-plugs the horse !!!!
Hugs,
Angela. xxx
April 30, 2008 9:46 AM BST
WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?
For some time, many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt ? !!!
We find ourselves at a loss, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt !"
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. ....................
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children; Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High-school dropout.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her children were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son, with a rather nervous disposition, named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable during child-hood, and, subsequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptuals.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy, with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So, now, when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt !", you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt.
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
THE PAPAL VISIT .....................................
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light!, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the kerb.
"Excuse me, your Holiness", says the driver, "Would you please take your seat, so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth", says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today!"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot let you do that ! I'd lose my job ! And, what if somerthing should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you", says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back, as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.
"Please slow down, your Holiness !!" pleads the driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal, until they hear sirens !
"Oh dear God !!! I'm gonna lose my license !" moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over, and rolls down the window, as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief", he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio, and the cop tells him that he has stopped a limo, going at a hundred and five.
"So bust him!" says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that .................. he's really important !!" said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason !!"
"NO, I mean REALLY important !", said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there ......... the Mayor ?"
Cop : "Bigger".
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger".
"Well", said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God !!!! "
Chief: "What makes you think it's God ?"
Cop: "He's got the f**king Pope as his chauffeur !!!!"
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
A man and a woman are awakened at 3.00am, by a loud pounding on the front door. Tha man gets up, and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance", says the husband, "it's 3.00 in the morning!"
He slams the dooor, and returns to bed.
"Who was that?", asks the wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push", he answers
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No I did not! It's 3.00 in the morning, and it's pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you do have a short memory", says the wife. "Can't you remember, about 3 months ago, when we broke down, and those 2 guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the teeming rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes", comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing", replied the drunk.
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
A blind man makes his way to a bar-stool, and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells at the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair ............ given that you are blind .............. that you should know five things :
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman, with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde, and a professional weight-lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde, and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister, ............... Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah ............ Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times !!"
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
THE FANCY-DRESS PARTY. .....................................
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy-dress party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear, to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy-dress company, to explain his problem.
A few days later, he receives a parcel with a note:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your head, and with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate".
The man thinks this is terrible, because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes, and he receives another parcel and note:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a monk's habit. the long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head, you will really look the part".
The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasising his wooden leg, to drawing attention to his bald head!
So, he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later, he gets a very small parcel from the company, with an accompanying letter:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the Golden Syrup over your head, stick your wooden leg up your ar*e, and go as a f*cking toffee apple !!! "
Hugs,
Angela. xxx.
Apologies to our blonde sisters, but I 've another "blonde joke" for you all .........................
THE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL.
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mummy, Mummy!", she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. !"
"Very good", said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde".
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mummy, Mummy!" she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said up to G. See? A..B.C.D.E.F.G.!"
"Very good", said the mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde".
The next day, the girl comes skipping home from school.
"Mummy, Mummy!", she yelled,"we were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I've got these !"
She lifted up her tank-top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good", said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No, Honey. ................ It's because you're 24 !"
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
Hi Girls,
And my joke for today is ......................................
THE FIREMAN AND THE LITTLE GIRL.
A fireman is polishing his fire-engine outside the fire-station, when he notices a little girl next door, in a little red cart, with little ladders hung on the side, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet, and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.
The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look:
"That's a lovely fire engine", he says, admiringly.
"Thanks", says the little girl.
The fireman looks closer, and notices that the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar, and one to the cat's testicles.
"Little colleague", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but, if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could possibly go a lot faster".
The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and the cat, then slyly looks into the fireman's eyes, and says :
"You're probably right. But then I wouldn't have a f**king siren, would I ?"
Hugs,
Angela. xxx.
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul".
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul".
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now".
=====Brief pause=======
"Uh, Ok then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway".
"Ok, Daddy, just a minute".
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy".
"And what happened honey?"
"Mommy got all scared, and jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all !"
"Oh, my God !!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window, and into the swimming-pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead !"
=====Long Pause==========
=====Longer Pause========
=====Even Longer Pause====
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming-pool? .............. Is this 486-5731 ?"
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off, and watched in horror, as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist, and I know how I can relieve your pain, if you would allow me", she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away, and laid them at his sides, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several minutes, and asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great ............. but my thumb stil hurts like hell !!"
Hugs,
Angela. xxx.
A pregnant woman goes to the gynaecologist for a check up on her pregnancy.Whilst the doctor is busy with the sonogram she can't help noticing that his brow is getting more and more furrowed.
When the test is over he says,"There seems to be a slight problem with your baby."
"Oh," she says,"Tell me then, is it anything serious?"
"Well,it looks as though it's a hermaphrodite- that means it's got both male and female parts."
" Oh,I see,besides having a penis it'll also have a brain....":)
ciao
Lynn H.
She was in the kitchen, boiling eggs for breakfast.
He walks in.
"Make love to me NOW !!", she screams.
So he throws her on the table, and gives it her all.
Afterwards, he asks, "What was that all about?"
"The egg-timer was broken", she replies.
Hugs,
Angela. xx.
It's really getting to be the Angela-Louise Show here.......................
...Two vicars were chatting:
"God,have I had a hard day- 2 burials, 2 cremations and 1 com-
posting!"
" Composting??"
"Well,Greens get old as well,you know!"
----------------- -------------------- ................
" Sorry," said St. Peter to the man in his late 30's," but you have to be able show you've performed at least one good deed, other-
wise I can't let you in ".
After a few minutes thought the man says,"I was watching a group of Rockers who were about to steal an old lady's shopping bag.I went over to them, kicked over their leaders Harley, spat in his face and was rude to his girlfriend......."
" I see. And when was this?"
" Oh,about three minutes ago...."
..................... ............................. .................
more later........................
Lynn H.
Try this one for size:
An Englishman,an Irishman and a Scotsman were propping up the bar and talking about their aches and pains when who else but JC himself should enter the pub.JC strolls up to the bar,sums up the situation immediately and says, " I can cure all your pains with my bare hands." " Is that so?" says the Englishman," Well,have a go at my tennis-elbow." JC touches the mans elbow. " Amazing," says the Englishman," You've really cured it."
" How about you,Paddy?" says JC turning to the Irishman. " Well,"says Paddy," After all these years of digging turf and potatoes my back's in a pretty bad way." JC lightly touches Paddy's back. " Hey,that's great, after all these years I can stand up straight again!"
The Scotsman looks at JC and says," Don't you dare touch me,I've still got 6 weeks sick leave!"
:)
Keep on laughing,
Lynn H.
meanwhile,back at the ranch......................
The vicar was getting really pissed off at the persistent scrumping in his orchard, so he put up a sign:
GOD SEES EVERYTHING!
Next day an unknown hand had added:
-but he doesn't tell tales.......
--------------------- ---------------------------------
The virgin Mary asks God if she can go down to Earth for 3 days."I don't see why not," says God,"I'll phone you every evening."
On the first evening God phones-"Hallo,here is the Virgin Mary,I've bought myself a miniskirt. Is that bad?"
"No," replies God,"that's quite OK."
Second evening: "Hallo,here's the Virgin Mary.I've been to a party.Is this bad?"
" No,no,that's quite OK:"
Third evening: "Hallo,here's Mary....................."
and there's more where these came from.You have been warned..........................
Ciao
Lynn H.
Why did Pope John Paul 2 always kiss the ground when he landed at airports?
You ever flown Alitalia?????????????
Brown dies and arrives in heaven.St. Peter welcomes him and says,"You were so good in your life that I'm giving you a choice. You can either have a virgin or a mother of two."
Brown quickly decides for the virgin.
St. Peter calls,"Send in Mother Teresa."
Brown pales and asks quietly," And who would have been the alternative?"
" Diana..........."
A rather drunk tranny loses his way and winds up in a catholic church.The only other person there is a young priest in full 'uniform'. As the priest in his long robes passes by swinging the incense burner the tranny can't control himself any longer," I think your dress is really wild,darling,full marks- but have you noticed that your handbag's burning?"
Why did Moses lead the chosen people through the desert for 40 years?
He'd lost a penny there somewhere...............
here endeth todays lesson
ciao
Lynn H.
April 23, 2008 11:09 PM BST
Angela,
Hunni, I've had to pop back - some hours after reading your posts - to report that Rae is still laughing and chuckling at the 'Arti Chokes' line! It was a beauty. [I should also point out that my lodger is giving me bemused looks and is clearly contemplating my sanity. Again].
Much love
Rae xx
April 26, 2008 11:43 AM BST
Two gas company servicemen, a training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from the last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. Naturally, they stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I just knew I'd better run too!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After many years, Cinderella finally reached the ripe age of 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she now happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella says, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. I'm prepared to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?" Cinderella was taken back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
"It is the least that I can do," replies her Fairy Godmother. "What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life!" And with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the Fairy Godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
April 26, 2008 6:20 PM BST
My favourite tranny joke is...
What's the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual?
A transvestite can't wait to get home from work to put on a bra but a transsexual can't wait to get home from work to take it off ! Ha!
Hugs,
Katie x
April 27, 2008 10:54 AM BST
A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but oneday the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
April 28, 2008 11:52 AM BST
Secret Code
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter." One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
April 28, 2008 12:39 PM BST
Just Mathematics
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
-Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
April 28, 2008 11:28 PM BST
Blonde Kidnapping Plot
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him: "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
April 29, 2008 2:37 PM BST
HEADLINES......
FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every
High School in United States
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Why Men Have Better Friends:
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Underwear Dust
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it
would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder
in my underwear?'
She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'
How does one start a new thread.
It was a dismal bank holiday, Harry the electrician was'nt working for once.
First bank holiday off for nearly a year, Mary his wife, took him up breakfast on a tray, eggs, toast sausage and mushrooms the ful works, She sat watching as he devoured his breakfast and calmly asked what the day had in store for them, to which Harry replied, absolutely nothing, he was going to just lounge around and chill.
Belinda was elated and replied oh, great, now you can finally get round to putting up the new light fittings in the hall and bathroom.
Harry spluttered, saying no way, further expounding that he was not going to spend his first bank holiday off work to do, work that he had to do everyday, a busmans holiday.
Mary sighed and threw a wobbly, Harry said $£&** and declared he was going to spend the day at the snooker hall and then go on to the pub for some peace and quiet.
As Mary was putting out the rubbish, girl next door happened to remark, she had seen Harry leave the house, looking as tho he was in a foul mood. Mary recapped on the earlier discourse and the girl replied, oh my brother is an electrician, he is popping over later to put up a light fitting for me. I'll get him to nip round to yours.
1130 harry staggers in from the pub, somewhat worse for wear, switches on the passage light, and notes the changes, on entering the bathroom, also notes the newly installed light fitting.
On entering the bedroom, there is mary dozing on the bed, big sleepy grin and her undewear strewn all over the place.
Harr nudges her and says, did'nt know you could do light fittings, she mumbles, don't be an arse, I got the neighbours brother to do it, WHAT! exclaims Harry, how much did that cost?
Mary replied, I gave him the choice of a roast dinner or a shag.
What did you cook him asks harry.
Mary replies, You don't think I was going to spend my bank holiday doing king stuff I do every other day of the year do you, like a busmans holiday
June 1, 2008 11:56 AM BST
Now that IS funny, might have been me, lol
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat.'
June 4, 2008 10:41 PM BST
Heres one for you.....if you watched a certain football game a few weeks ago you'll LOVE this one.
Have you tried the new JT( John Terry) Vodka?
Its made in britain but BOTTLED in moscow!
Lol xxxxxxxxx
Anna-Marie
