Hi. New to this web site, so hello again!!

Just wanna say that I came out as a tranny about a year ago, but it backfired. I lived a lie most of my life and decided to tell friends and family that even though I dressed as a woman, I was not gay, or even bisexual, and that I should be treated the same as before.

Most of my family thought I was insane and my friends dismissed it as a 'weird' mid-life crisis. I was mocked and the girlfriend at the time destroyed my female clothes and shoes, not once, but four times, leaving me with nothing but my male attire. And a thousand dollars down the drain. I thus finished the relationship, and now have gone back to the secretive lifestyle I have lived for 30 years.

I have a new wardrobe, and dress as often as I can. It's calming and I feel good. I no longer tell people I am into cross dressing, and the friends and family whom I told before, now tell me that I was a 'real joker' when I donned a skirt and heels.

I have no comment. But know the secret I hid for thirty years is still alive and I love it.

Just one little thing...always remember that when someone points a finger at you,the other fingers on that hand are pointing back at that person. And don't forget that good old english retort," It takes one to know one!"

It's your life and yours to live as you think fit ,including compromises, ....and there is no-one else can lead it for you.

Good luck
Lynn H.

David, there is lots of support and good advice in the posts above mine and I sincerely wish you the best working through all of this as will. The fact remains it is you who faces the ridicule no matter how well you accept yourself, so doing anything for a selfish reason is ridiculous in my opinion. Doing what you want is only going to move you from the closet you are currently in, to a closet where you are without friends or a relationship, just so you can walk around in a dress. How cool is that?

You did not go into detail how you went about coming out to people, however you did say you told family and friends. I might be wrong and please correct me if I am, but it sounds like you jumped in with both feet without testing the water and not having any support to fall back on. You label yourself a CD/TV which is fine, but are you sure or could you actually be TS? What I'm leading to is talking with a therapist and having their expertise by your side is an enormous boost to your selfconfidence. Your description basically says you tossed yourself into a pack of wolves and they did what is typical and tore you apart. So my advice is to level the playing field and deal with people one on one. Have a support team, the gals here at TW are the best and will try and do all they can for you. Also consider finding a therapist who can put a reality to what you are experiencing so the others can't deny it. Acceptance is more about understanding, not just approval. I think that is where you made the mistake, help them to understand about transgender. It is never too late

Hugs and best wishes,
Marsha

Hi David,

Like you I have being secretive about my crossdressing for years. Many of the thing you have mentioned I way I am still have not come out.

I really cannot give you much more advice that what has been stated already. I guess for since I have found this site it is like a huge door has opened for me. Everyone here is willing to give you support, encouragement, etc. just know that we are all here to give what support we can.

All the best,

Ok, This is my first time in here so really have no expertise to like sort of share, However your advice is great and I agree with everything that you said, Just courious though, You had a partner that sort of was by your side and with some of us, we are doing this all alone, Nobody to support us, you support me and so does the other person you know, But the therapist part? Curious frankly if there is one in our area? that would accept lets say medicare? I certainly could use guidence in that dept and as well finding a doctor that is supportive, Not that mine isn't I just think he is uncomfortable in the "Not knowing how" which I have to educate him though you, and with you. and what I read on here.

To David> With my kids I frankly started going to the gay club, well it was like sort of an opening, I was experimenting with the dressing up thing and the first few times I did trust me the other which I have to say "queens" certainly was no help, I had a gf that helped me with the makeup secrets, How to like pump up your breasts so they look more there then actually are until the hormones kick in, and then I did shows as said at the bar and so my daughters found out and they came to the bar door one night and I was dressed up, I had a sequin emerald gown on and the first words out of their mouths was "my gawd you look like mom!" not sure that was a good thing but that is how they started to find out, Then I stopped after several beatings and with that I have really bad PTSD over seeing other people, I am not sure if this will get to you or to the person that wrote above, But put this in your head though I have not fully told them yet, "Ever think maybe your girlfriend was jealous that you looked better then she did?" food for thought, Hope this gets to you, I agree maybe you jumped into the deep end of the pool before you could swim, not saying I am not doing close to the same thing but I have 2 and 1/2 people here to help me through my slow transistion, good luck and god bless you, we I am sure all love you!

oops the first paragraph was for marsha sorry, see I told you it was my first time in here

Hi EmBee, I wasn't always out to my wife and family. I came to this site in October 2006 an emotional wreck, no friends, no therapist, basically living the all alone Hell you and others describe. I hadn't yet told my wife what was going on with me and here I had been on hormones for about 1 1/2 years at that point (yes it was obvious, but I think everyone was denying everything). When I first told my wife it did not go over well at all. For Christmas that year all she gave me was a Bible. Time after time I thought our 29 year marriage was over. But I think God was watching over us and as if strategically timed, a couple of transsexual stories made the national news. My wife followed one in particular very closely and read the more than 300 comments the story garnered. A little more than 3 months after I first told her, our communication having become only email, she told me she now understood this to be biological and therefore OK in God's eyes. We still had to repair the trust issue. I had deceived her for so long. You now see the product of several years of rebuilding and redefining our relationship. We no longer see our relationship as a couple, instead we are more like sisters. I think the kids accepted it because they knew that mom and dad still loved each other and as time went on they also came to understand it better. I went fulltime something like 1 1/2 years after that, I'm getting old and forgetting some of the details, read my blog for pertinent dates, lol. But leading up to going fulltime I again feared telling the people I would come in contact with on a daily basis. A few months before going fulltime I began telling a few of my customers whom I had a strong relationship with and they were all fantastic about me transitioning. That gave me the confidence to move forward and technically on my birthday in October of 2008 I went fulltime and never looked back.

So I hope you can see no it was not always easy for me, and no I did not always have support. I've honestly been there and done that. I am very fortunate and very thankful. Not a day goes by where I don't thank God for the good people in my life.

As for therapists here in Savannah, I will give you a list when I see you Sunday. You will need to do the legwork to see if they accept medicare.

The one tip I would suggest to everyone is tell family and friends one on one individually. Telling groups allows for the loudest, who tend to be the negative ones, to lead the group and steer others against you.

Hugs,
Marsha

Hi david,
I'm relatively new to this hole thing as well as far as coming out to people. I first had to quit dening who I was to myself which it sounds like you already have done. The fact that there is a good support system here goes without saying. It also goes without saying that we are all different and have different experiences. Yet I still went and said it. Anyways For me I've been testing the waters for a long time and using my psychology and sociology classes as starters with family and friends. When I came out to my GF who is now my wife it help a lot that she was supportive and loved me for me understanding that the secret I was keeping helped to make me to become the person I am today. If you are looking to have a relationship with a women I have no doubt that you will find one who will except you for who you are. However it may take a while. It does seem to me that people who are in college or in acting have a greater understanding for those that are "different". Besides rumor goes that everyone in acting is gay (from personal experience its not true only most of them are, both men and women). I believe that once you find that SO who is willing to except you for you are it may become a little easier.
There are still only four people however that now about my closeted activity. I have been making slow changes. I also plan on moving from the town that I have grown up in because there are many here who either don't understand or will be very judgmental. I know that will exist where ever I go but the nice thing about moving to a new place is that you have that chance to re-invent your self.
Anyways good luck and as has already been said start working on that support group one person at a time. Don't rush it.

Megan Layne
~The only things we have that is worth anything is love and time.

hi David
I lived completely in the closet for years, I came out to my gf about a year ago and it went very well. She loves me for who I am and has noticed how much happier I am since coming out to her. She encourages me to be who I am inside and we enjoy going out together as girlfriends. I realize that I am extremely lucky. I plan to at some point go full time, but one step at a time. She is so incredible, when we are out she pushes me to interact with people to build my confidence, when I say I'm not up for it she takes the lead. It may seem that nothing I have said helps you, but if you read between the lines it does. You absolutely must have some sort of support system, and it doesn't have to be family or loved one, but it must be there. I wish you luck and happiness in your journey, and always remember how much support you have here at GS. Take care and be safe. Briana

hi David
I lived completely in the closet for years, I came out to my gf about a year ago and it went very well. She loves me for who I am and has noticed how much happier I am since coming out to her. She encourages me to be who I am inside and we enjoy going out together as girlfriends. I realize that I am extremely lucky. I plan to at some point go full time, but one step at a time. She is so incredible, when we are out she pushes me to interact with people to build my confidence, when I say I'm not up for it she takes the lead. It may seem that nothing I have said helps you, but if you read between the lines it does. You absolutely must have some sort of support system, and it doesn't have to be family or loved one, but it must be there. I wish you luck and happiness in your journey, and always remember how much support you have here at GS. Take care and be safe. Briana

David,

As long as you understand that it was what was wrong with them, not you, that was the problem. Some of us have had worse experiences than you and some far better. Most are mixed, I suspect. Here you will see that as your "Sisters" chat and post about their lives. There are many more of us than you might expect. T girls have "in the closet" down to an art....we just have two closets. Many of us are out and acceptance is growing. Many of us have experienced great changes here at TW. Support makes a lot of difference in your self perceptions and helps dump the self-denial and self-disgust that society can place on us. Welcome to TW. We don't care if you are any flavor of GLBT. Crossdresser to Transsexual, you are welcome here. MtF, FtM, SO or none of the above. Relax, and enjoy. Welcome, Sister.

TW. Support makes a lot of difference in your self perceptions and helps dump the self-denial and self-disgust that society can place on us.
Wendy I love the way you stated that, it's exactly right in my case.

David the people that say you were joking are fine. Let them think that. If your ever ready to take things farther you can deal with how to come out then.
Your girlfriend, well I don't know she sounds like she might be bitter over it. If you continue dressing in front of her she'll probably out you anyway if she gets mad. That is if things stand as they are. If you want to keep the relationship you will have to take it very slowly & hope that she may come to understand.

Good Luck!

Hi David, I am sorry that it did not go well for you. I am very new here, and somewhat overwhelmed. I am so deep in the closet, I don't know if I will ever truely come out. I know one thing that makes me feel some hope. I currently have friends in the transgendered community, who I have supported for many years and have treated them with the dignity and respect that they deserve, but even they do not know that I am one of them, tee-hee!. This probably sounds strange, but it is true. I can put up such a macho act, that if I came out, there would be a lot off people angry that I fooled them so well, and they would probably have to get some sort of therapy, councelling, or grief therapy, haha! ! I guess that most of my life I overcompensated for my femininity, by going to the extreme of manliness in order to hide it! I grew up where I saw people specifically go out to beat up some trannies, if you can believe it! There are people like that everywhere I suppose. One time a couple of friends I knew were living as roommates. One of them came home early from work, found his friend making out with a date, and he beat him into a coma. My friend was too afraid to even press charges. Anyhow, in our so called group of friends, the beater bragged about beating the poor fellow, and most everyone turned thier backs on the crossdresser, who happened to be gay. I stuck my neck out and supported my gay friend, and remained friends with him. My other friends kept asking why on earth would I want to associate with the fellow. I told them that he was a friend, and he is still the great guy I knew before he was outed, so I had no reason to dislike him. I was proud of the fact that this had opened the door for other friends to accept him as well. Instances like that, made me look at myself, and made me wonder how many real friends I would have if they knew about me, and I was still afraid to lose my so called position in society, so I basically lived somewhat vicariously through others. It has been a lonely existance, and right now, even being able to express myself semi-openly in this forum, I feel so much relief. It feels like the world has been lifted from my shoulders, and I want to tell the world all my feelings and thoughts that I have suppressed for over 40 years. I know for a fact that I have close male and female friends that would not hesitate to stand with me if I decided to come out. These are the people who I have opened my heart to, and know the sensitive, loving person beneath the macho exterior. Yet, my best friend of them all, is a beautiful, loving woman, who, as I have said, would support me in anything. I know she loves me very much, and she was very instumental in my ability to stand up for, and become good friends with people in the transgendered and crossdressing and gay community. She does not know about me. We would be a couple, if I did not hold her back, and she does love me dearly. We are almost like a married couple, and if I were any different, I would ask her to marry me. This is where the problem begins. I have researched, and hunted for some way to classify who I am, yet I still can't just put a label on myself. I have taken psychological tests in secret which have confirmed that I am transsexual, but I have never read anywhere, or heard anyone to date, describe themselves the specific way I feel, and will describe to you now. I will soon visit a proffessional to discuss this, as I have only recently put it all together in a way I can understand, and describe my feelings as well. I am not gay! And yet, if I tell someone I am attracted to men in a sense, one would assume I am gay. I feel like I have two distinct personalities, and maybe I could be diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, except that I am distinctly aware of them both. I am not attracted to men in the least, but when I am dressed in my female persona, I become a total woman, and I am not only attracted to men, but I fantasize about them, dream of having a man in my life who would love me only as a woman, not a chick with a dick. When I am dressed, I am not at all attracted to women, except as friends or gendermates, as I feel I am one of the girls, so in that sense, I am not a lesbian either. When I am dressed as a man, even at home alone, I have honest feelings for women. I find my mind and thoughts switch with the clothing I wear. I have sexual fantasies for women, and can be very sexually aroused with the right girls. I am a man in mens clothing, and I find any sexual attraction to men, to be repulsive to me. Also, when I am dressed as a woman, I am never, ever aroused by men I know from my male persona. If this sounds strange, let me know, because I find it quite facinating how the brain sorts these feelings out, and lays down specific boundaries. I know that I am not ready to come out, or progress with any noticable sexual changes in my life, and I may be just to old to face the change, I am not sure. I am sorry for going on so long about this, and David, I don't know if I can give you any advice, but I can assure you that there are many people who will be supportive of whatever you choose to do, some which you may not have even met yet. Good luck, and best wishes, and of course I will apply this to my own life as well, and try not to lose hope of allowing the woman inside the chance to live and grow outwardly as well, love sheri.

Discretion is the better part of valour. I'm not of the opinion that being open about everything to everyone is the best option, particularly when it doesn't directly impinge on others; this is especially true of transgender issues. Of course, I understand that being in a relationship where the other partner either does not know or does know but is not supportive is problematic. Everyone's situation is different, and there are no easy answers. I don't think having secrets is always equivalent to living a lie.

I'm soo sad my husband of 22 years finally admitted to being more attrated to his fem side than me, after years of lying, stealling, secrets and avoiding family responsiblities. Now I find out that I'm the thrid wheel. I feel used and taken advantage of, I have been too considerate. He wants me to continue in the relationship, says he loves me. But ouch. I hurt.

Sam.

 

 

 

What did he mean by being more attracted to his fem side than you?    The feelings are usually a compulsion a need.    Somone who is not comfortable in a natal gender. 

 

 

 

Of course your upset and hurt, you feel btrayed,    Women marry men,    Men are the ''Providers, protectors, the alpha male''     Many men dress up as women as a form of escapism, getting away from reality, stress, bad memories, horrific incidents in their lives.   some get married inocently thinking these feelings will, subside, some just dress up soley for sexual thrills.    Lying stealing avoiding responsobilities?   I presums items of your wardobe etc have gone missing, erm was'nt me.

 

 

 

Think you should sit him down, have a talk, exactly where he sees this going,    If he is genuinely Gender dysphoric, and its a basic need, will he come to resent it you,. if out of loyalty and comitment he does'nt follow this ''Dream''   A lot of women automattically asume this makes their partner gay.     You don't mention if you have children or if he is out to other people, members of the family.   

 

 

 

Hope everything works out for you.    There is a forum dedicated to significant others. wives, partners and is actually run by partners of TG people.  offering help and support.

This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at July 2, 2011 9:36 PM BST

Thank-you Cristine,

 

I will look on that forum

 

What do you mean "cimpulsion a need.    Somone who is not comfortable in a natal gander."

 

When I say he has been stealing from me, i mean clothes, even pictures he has posted on this website are of me!, unauthorized.! I just found them after he left the web page open, these pictures where very private to me had he knew that! But he/she does whatever whenever. He/she has avoided doing his responsiblities, he hids in crossdressing, then lies about his whereabouts. He is very selfish, and i have given myself 100%, but I feel like a fool.!!!!!!

 

Trust is my biggest issue, not the crossdressing. He has lied soooo often to keep "her" hidden, I dont think he knows how to tell the truth. Sad part is I'm a good wife, I've been understanding, maybe too understanding.

 

Yes we have grown children, no one knows about his crossdressing but Me....and his mom & sister (they know from childhood, but they think it was just a passing fad for him, kind of what I was hoping). 

 

I am a knock out, I have a rocking body, a great carreer, had a good loving relationship, but he blew me out of the water with the level of deception. The lies.

 

Thanks for commenting, just trying to sort this out in my head without getting screwed again. Sometimes guys are just jerks.

 

Sam

 

Sam, not here to make judgements, just help in some understanding and support.     Sounds to me that you have been more than patient.    A womans clothes are a very personal thing to her.    I live and share my life with somone and would never dream of helping myself to her clothes or her to mine.   Peronally if I was you, I would feel violated and betrayed,    The lieing is probably the worst thing if you have known about these things, if you want to continue in this relationship. which at the moment you are not sure about, YOU must lay down the ground rules, what is and what is off limits and try and establish what the long term prospect is, sometimes as with quite a few others on here have come to an understanding and still have very stable and loving relationships supporting each other. even if it turns either into a sister type relationship or a lesbian relationship. but honesty and acceptance and ground rules are a must. xxXxx Cristine

Hello Sam,

There are quite a lot of issues here, so I will try to find you an answer or two, but this is my experience, and it wont necessarily be your partners. I should also say that none of this is meant as an excuse for what your partner has done, its just an explanation of what may have driven him.

 

For me as a child growing up in the 60’s and 70’s, there were many things that parents, siblings and society expected of boys and being a bit girly wasn’t one of them. This meant that my cross dressing was something to hide and keep secret. Unfortunately that brings with it a certain amount of shame and guilt too, especially when foraging for cast off clothes, so I have spent most of my life hiding in shame of it rather than embracing it as something to being proud of. Keeping the secret and the fear of being found out was a constant source of angst for me. That’s possibly why so many of us have some sort of psychological problem in life. We fear being caught and it drives us close to madness, as does the cross dressing, or, to be more accurate, “not cross dressing.” Its easy to stop cross dressing, we just take off the clothes and hide them away. Not wearing them again is a huge problem though. Not at first, that’s the easy stage, but as time passes, there is a compulsion that builds up inside. It starts off with noticing girls in pretty clothes, but soon its every girl wearing any clothes. Then it starts to occupy every thought to such an extent, its all we can see and think of. Then it creeps into dreams as well. Dreams of being female, or wearing female clothes where no one notices or cares. That’s a hard one deal with in the morning, because its like a sub conscious feeling that its ok, but then a conscious mind says its scary and being beaten up in the street is certain if anyone realizes. That’s when it starts to drive us close to madness. Its not a disease, illness or addiction that can be cured or beaten, it’s a pervasive compulsion that drives every thought, and every decision we make. Being Transgendered is a condition for life, its not just for new years eve and its not something we will grow out of, or get over. The only control we have over it is to give in and do it. The longer we deny our inner feelings, the stronger the urge becomes. Many times I have tried to put it behind me and have thrown away all my clothes, but like all others before me, it was a folly destined to fail.

 

One of the hardest questions to answer is why? We don’t always fully understand it ourselves, so explaining it to others is nye on impossible, and that makes it even harder.

 

Wherever there is an unknowing SO, there is usually deceit and lies and possibly stealing of clothes too. That’s the measure of how potent being transgendered is. In the early stages of discovering just where we sit on the transgendered scale, Its better to risk stealing something than have to face the enormity of purchasing items in public, and in the right size.

 

I’m not sure about the significance of your comment about his hiding his whereabouts?

That could be very significant or insignificant, I’m not sure, if you can tell me more, I’ll try to help you better.

 

Posting pictures of you is totally wrong and for that he is probably a lot more than a jerk. Of all the places your partner has to pretend to be ordinary and manly, coming to a place like this and still pretending to be someone your not is indefensible.  After all of that, and all that you have been through, you still seem to be supportive in referring to your partner as she/he and Her or Him, so well done to you. You deserve better to be honest, but after 22 years of marriage, I would suggest that now would be a very good time for you both to be honest and talk things through, so that there is no more deceit and boundaries can be set.

 

Hope this has been of some help,

Mandy.

Mandy,

 

Yes your words have been very helpful....and kind. Thank-you. We are going to councilling seperately, and going to see if we can salvage somesort of relationship out of all this mess, friends or partners...I'm not sure. At least its a start. 

 

I can understand how his enviroment has shaped his fears towards crossdressing, and how it would be easier for him to steal than purchase. I've seen the compulsion that you mention in the above post.

 

Right now He wants to throw it all away, (the clothes)...and from what I've been reading and your comments, it seems like it will be impossible for him to be successful in that pursuit. I want our relationship to work, but am fearful of his stace "i'm just going to quit." but at the sametime I'm scared of "the give in and just do it", becauce when I've been more accepting of him and her needs it gets out of hand....and the rest of his (our) life becomes negelcted. It seems like he goes deeper into escaping from reality. But...maybe councilling will give him tools to help or...?

 

How should I support him/her through this? Right now I'm encouraging him to open and honest with himself, to examine and accept him/her self. But he doesn't want to even consider that he can be "fixed", he is tormented, I'm sure, and hurting and scared of losing our marriage. Rightfully so...I guess. How can I ease this pain and help him accept who he is?

 

SaM

 

 

 

 

How should I support him/her through this? Right now I'm encouraging him to open and honest with himself, to examine and accept him/her self. But he doesn't want to even consider that he can be "fixed", he is tormented, I'm sure, and hurting and scared of losing our marriage. Rightfully so...I guess.

 

 

 

Probably one of the most loving and sadest things I have read in years.

"How can I ease this pain and help him accept who he is?"

 

 

 

As for throwing all the things away, we call it purging,   Not so much in my own case, but some go through this many times, Only to start over again,   

 

 

 

Your parner, should also see a councellor who is a specialist in cross gender issues.    If he truly has an issue with his natal birth gender, you both need to know.    Gender dysphoria, the general concensus from probaly 99% of these specialists, would say this condition is incurable and the only succesfull outcome is to let the person transition.

 

 

 

Cristine

This post was edited by Cristine Jennifer Shye. BL at July 2, 2011 5:30 PM BST

Yes, I do love and care about him, he is a great father and compassionate human,...

 

opps typo...

 But he doesn't want to even consider that he can be "fixed".

I meant, but he doesn't want to even consider that he CANN"T be fixed.

 

Denial,... A common early reaction in accepting a reality you don't nessarly want or choose.

 

He meets with councillor soon, suppose to be someone with experience with in this field. Crossing my fingers she will be helpful!

 

Sam.

 

Hello Sam,

 

Counselling is a great idea and I hope it works out well for you both, and that’s good sound advice from Cristine too. The flip side of the compulsion and failure of purging is that when it fails there is a lot of guilt and shame too, so your partner needs to go to counselling and be 100% honest with the counsellor as he also needs to be 100% honest with you too. Keep on encouraging him to be open and honest, so that he can become the she that you would like to be with.

 

It sounds like you have both been tormented, and hurt, and are scared of losing your marriage, which may sound bad, but at least there is some common feelings here that can be a good thing to help you both recover a relationship. I feel though that it’s impossible to “fix” this in the way that I think your partner thinks it can be fixed, but it is possible that the counselling will help you both find a place where you can be together and happy with each other.

 

Talking to each other is the key to supporting each other through this.

Talking to the counsellor is a way for both of you to find a solution that will work for both of you.

Talking to each other will help you both to ease the pain that you both feel, and continuing to talk to each other will help you both to ease each others pain and for you both to accept her for who she is.

 

This post was edited by Mandy Watts at July 2, 2011 8:02 PM BST

I have been dressing conciously for about 7 years, I did things a a child with my moms makeup. Mothers Clothes, dads girl friends clothes in my teenage years and going through great lengths to shoplift womens stuff, not really understanding it. I figured it would have left me when i went into th military. It did not and became get progressively worst.

 

After accepting i had a problem i started to do research into what this was, i had found that there were a community of people with the same secret. Because it felt so good when i just wore bras or underwear anything feminine underneath my regular day to day clothing  i quickly labeled myself to being a transgendered person because it was too intense of a feeling to think i just injoyed wearing the clothing. I had never had the opportunity to go further than just that.

 

Around this time i was still dating my high school sweet heart and soon to get married. Fortunetly i did not tell her till a few months after we were married. I was overseas and we had to rely on communication for the foundation of our relationship,friendship and marriage.

 

She kind of chuckled, she took it like a champ though and just asked that i dont do it around her. I felt great at this point, the one person i love in my life is accepting me of this. When i came back to the states and we moved intogether still being in the military i began going full out. It wasnt just bras and underwear any more i wanted to go further, i bought dresses, shoes, wigs, makeup the whole gambit. As i started to do this and dress up completely i realized that there was something missing in my life. It was Kara (my TG name). IT come down very hard on me realizing that when i was dressed and living the role i felt complete as an individual. A very euphoric feeling that i cannot explain. This was becomming difficult and confusing for me and so i went into supression mode, concerned for what may happen if i continue.

 

I had then got stationed overseas and got to bring my wife with me. After about 8 months of supression these uncontrollable urges came back. This whole time teh wife never knew how i felt or even realized i had quit. I was too scared to tell her how i feel. I started to explain to her that it would be great if she could accept me for who i am and if she would allow me to do it infront of her. It took time but eventually she allowed it. But it had changed her from that point on as she never looked at me teh same or touched me the way she used to. I know it had effected our marriage. I could tell she was hurt. We would talk about it, however me never really confessing how i really felt to fully transition because teh thought of loosing her was too great. We had even went out one halloween as me dresed up and her as my pimp that was the greatest it was the first time i had been in public and to get real feedback. Peeople actually thought i was a women, i think this scared her. I went into supression mode again.

 

OVer the next few years to try and salvage the marriage i had started doing anabolic steroids to alter my physique and body building. This was great for her but it jsut felt wrong to me and I had missed being Kara soo much. 9 years we have been married now, i am out of the military and the urges are jsut too great to fight anymore. I had started to seek professional help and am now seeing a therapist who specializes in Transgendered people. It took me along time to dial that phone and seek help. Once i went in and seen her though it was a huge rock lifted off my shoulders. I had one thing left to do. that was be honest with my wife and tell her how i really feel about the whole thing realizing that i could loose her.

 

I waited a couple days and finally told her, she knew why i was going to the therapist i told her i needed help. Well she did not take it too well. She is very concerned for our marriage if i continue this path. I want to start HRT and she is not particulary fond of this as she told me that it would be the final straw, she cant be with me if i do that. Weird thing is now she is much more affectionate towards me, she told me because i opened up to her that it made her feel closer. So there is the issue and we have agreed to talk about it once a week as she wont see a therapist in fear of it making her feel like the bad guy.

I am going to continue my therapy sessions and have started to look for local support groups to attend. She is accepting of that so far. I have made alot of progress within the last week since my therapy session. I have told my wife how i truly feel. I have told my best friend back home who i will be visitng this week. Now i am considering telling my brother and father. I mean why not, i just told my wife lol. So yes sorry for the long winded story but thats it.