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What do i do???? Boobs or no boobs???

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  • Hi all I hope everyone is doing well. Heres my problem. I have been dating a crossdresser for over 2 years and unfortunately was not the most supportive right off the bat At first he told me that he was only a crossdresser(which im totally fine with, i even bought him clothes that i thought he would look good in) then after the first year he told me that he also wanted to grow breasts, which shocked me very much! I didnt think i coud handle it and was very vocal about it. I also felt like he lied to me because i asked him when he told me bout the dressing if he would ever want to pursue it any further and he said NO. So i was very unsupportive about it and didnt even want to talk about it.(which i am not proud of) He eventually tried some products to enhance his breasts, i stayed with him and just tried to ignore what was going on. The products didnt work and he stopped doing it. But hears the problem, since then he will not dress around me or share any of that side of himself with me, he wont even really talk about anything about it anymore. I know he still dresses and is still interested in breast enhancment, i love him very much and want to stay with him but with this lack of communication i ffeel it is only a matter of time before we part ways. I still am not completly comfortable with the idea of breast enhancement but dont want to lose him!!! Everytime we talk about stuff or i ask he if he wants to dress he tells me he doesnt need me to be supportive anymore Its really breaking my heart, i dont know if i have hurt him too much to make up for now? I really dont know what my question is, i guess im just hoping for advice.

    Thanks for listening and i appreciate any advice anyone can give
      May 22, 2009 5:45 AM BST
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  • First, let me say that it is not unusual for TGs to start to open up and find parts of themselves (no pun intended) that they didn't know were there. Since it's clear that you have issues about her breasts and it has gotten into your relationship, you need to find out why and how much and what you can tolerate long term. The issue of not sharing herself is her problem and she needs to work on that but it is a shared problem in it's effect. I recommend a couple therapist with gender therapy background to work this out between you as well as individually. If it's that important. It is probably doomed without communication.

    Here are a list of TG support groups in your area. One of these is bound to be able to advise/educate you on this. They may have couples' groups that can provide less expensive but effective help for the two of you.

    http://www.the519.org/pro[...]ide.htm
    "A live lived in fear is a life half-lived." - Native American proverb. "Inside every man is a woman who was drowned in testosterone before birth". - Wendy Jeanette Larsen "It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you're not." - Andre Gide (French writer)
      May 22, 2009 8:35 AM BST
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  • Hi Amber

    you need to find out just what his motivation is. But as the idea of him having breasts is a turn-off now its hard to see things getting better.
    Do you get the impression his is progressing into being a man with boobs who will eventually want a vagian..or is there any genuine femaleness that gives you the impression that really he might be transsexual?
    But we have a saying...if he looks like a man in a dress, sits, walks, talks, drinks, eats and ttreats you like a man in adress then that's what 'it - the person ' is...
    You need to get him to talk to your or a therapist to sort things out.
      May 22, 2009 8:13 PM BST
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  • Hi Amber,
    The prior two responses were excellent. I have very little to add, but I felt it worth saying. My wife and I are in much the same situation, so I can maybe shed some light on it from the crossdresser's point of view.

    With each step I make in discovering who I am, and how I feel, and revealing that one tiny step at a time, I gain a bit of confidence. I have gone through some dark times in my life, deeply depressed (my father also had periods like that and he was also a crossdresser) and in looking back, those were the times I repressed my feelings the most about this issue.

    Right now I am going through probably the most stressful times of my life. I'm having to change career paths. I'm moving. I'm having to console my teenage daughter who just lost her mother. I'm having trouble with in-laws trying to take my daughter away from me. On and on... Yet with the strength I've gained with accepting myself and expressing myself for who I am, I've been able to get through this so far without breaking down.

    By taking care of myself, emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally, I've been able to pull through so far. It's all part of that package - omitting one part weakens me too much to handle the immense stress.

    If you truly love your partner, support *all* of him/her. To reject any part will weaken the one you love and that's not healthy for either one of you.

    Hugs and all the best,
    Ann
    A Smile Goes A Long Way
      May 23, 2009 2:52 PM BST
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  • Hi all,

    First off i'd like to say thank you to all the reply's i really appreciate your input!
    I've tried to talk to him about what his intensions are recently and i just get the response of "i know where you stand, you know where i stand soo we dont need to talk about it anymore" and then he completly shuts down. Its soo frustrating i am trying to make things work and he just wont speak to me about anything In response to Rose no i dont think he wants to eventually have a vagina as well, he says that he just wants breasts, that they will make him very happy and thats it. I have asked him repeatidly to go to couples therapy with me and he's just not having it, has no interest in it. I almost feel like he has set his mind to it and is just keeping me around until he has done it, (probably hoping that i will eventually be ok with it) rather than have me be a part of the proocess and discuss it with me. I dont know what do to anymore????
    Again thank you everyone for the reply's and hope to hear more


    I feel alone and am in a relationship
      May 27, 2009 5:26 PM BST
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  • Hi Amber
    What yo and the guy don't realise is that 'any product to enhance breast growth' may actually act on the brain too and cause that to go female too and lead the guy into thinking that getting more into crossdressing etc would be great and a vagina would be best of all.
    Plus any breast growth might come at the expense of loss of libido.
    Hope you can figure things out one way or the other cos its awful being in limbo land of being alone in a relationship.
      June 1, 2009 8:47 AM BST
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  • Firstly Amber, think you have been a star so far, being supportive and trying to get help for your other half, but where do you draw the line. Women lets face it basically marry men, because they want a man in their lives, if they wanted somone with boobs who wears a nightie in bed and lives in a dress, surely they would have opted to form a relationship with a real girl? Depends just on what your prepared to put up with, some TS on here have a very succesful and loving relationship with partners that come out, some TS's curb their ultimate desires and put aside their dreams to keep to the comitment they made to wives/partners and children. Better to be alone and lonely and have the freedom to make alternative choices than live a lonely existence with somone who is reticent and won't share, hard choice. realy feel for you xxCristinexx
    Cristine Jennifer Shye.  B/L.  B/Acc
      June 1, 2009 10:51 AM BST
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  • Hiya Amber, I think you are doing a really good job in facing your difficulties and finding a sensible way to approach these. Lots of respect and big hugs. All the best, Penny xxx.
    Just an ordinary girl finding her way in this strange life. - What will it take to get everyone to realise that everyone else is also a human being that deserves just as much respect? - How does someone tell their doctor they have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia? - When I was a student I specialised in Alcopology. It always starts with Alco and always ends with pology. - Waiter! There's a hare in my rabbit pie!
      June 2, 2009 4:26 AM BST
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  • That’s a really tough question. Note: I’m using gender specific terms to make a point.

    From what I’ve seen most TGs born in a male body whose feminine side is strong enough that they want to dress, grow breasts, or what have you will go one of two ways: [1] they will either progressively go trans; or [2] they will scare themselves sh*tl*ss and turn ultra male-macho. Most of the cases I’ve seen go the former route. But, then, most of the cases I’ve seen come from associations with the transsexual community. Either way, you have to remember that he’s discovering himself for better or for worse. What he says now may not be what he says 2 years from now, as the issues involved are complex.

    The part you need to think about is not “what might he do next” or even “what is he willing to discuss with me”. What you need to consider is what makes you comfortable and happy in your relationship. You cannot expect to mould him into something that he’s not. If you try to force him to fit something in your mould you’ll only drive her away. But how much of her can you accept, respect, and enjoy? That’s the where the proverbial rubber meets the road.

    Relationships are much more complex than we generally like to believe because people idealize about them. Relationships are not only about sex or support or trust or comfort or whatever. Relationships are about ALL these things. If one of those things is broken everything else suffers with it.

    My advice is rather than questioning him you should be questioning yourself. If you are unhappy—you being half the relationship—then the whole relationship suffers. Just as if he is unhappy. You have no control over his thoughts, feelings, desires, or actions. You only have control of your own. A relationship, whether healthy or not, is based on the interaction of both of you being responsible for your own input.

    If you cannot be happy then get out. Let her (him?) know why so that she can deal with it all in an honest way. If you think you can be happy figure out what you have to do to reconcile the things that bother you. Again, your happiness is your end—he is not either to credit or to blame for that.

    Lastly, no matter what you decide to do, be honest. This will prove to be healthier both for you and for him. Whether that honesty is supportive, pejorative, or just plain lost, your ability to be up-front may make all the difference to both of you.
    ~~Steve
      July 16, 2009 1:56 AM BST
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