At the point when you realise that you are happier en-femme, and that the congruency between your female appearance and thinking provides calmness and strength, what should you do?
If to be selfish is wrong, then is it right to progress and risk damaging existing relationships? Or is it right to resist, play the martyr and maintain the status quo? Or is the reality that you are compelled to progress, because the urge is too great, the need too strong?

This is often referred to as a journey of baby steps. So please suggest a few for an as yet un-diagnosed Transexual who loves his wife.

PS. Don't worry, I won't hold you to it.

Thanks

Rachel

Well I chose wife and family despite periods of depression and had a happy marriage for nearly 50 years. I did not regret my action. However after the death of my wife 3 years ago I began transitioning and am pleased with my progress. Some of us manage and some sink into deeper depression.

I don't know if anyone has given you the answer you hoped to hear but they have all been great answers. I'm not sure any of us here know you well enough to confirm your "as yet un-diagnosed" transsexualism. I think that is possibly the biggest issue you are wrestling with right now. But even with a diagnosis of being TS you can go different directions or just stay put. It needs to come down to you being happy and that just might be playing the guy role in your relationships. You live in a country with universal healthcare so I would suggest the first baby step you take is see a psychologist about your condition and put an end to that question of am I or am I not a TS. Having that question put to rest will make it easier to tell the people you know if need be. Should it come time to tell family and friends then you will want all the support you can put together. Build your circle of support, don't do it feeling all alone.

Best wishes,
Marsha

Hi, thanks for the thoughts and comments.

Marsha hit the nail on the head when she encouraged me to collect a circle of friends. I am a bit of a loner (no, not in that in the shadows, slightly sordid kind of way), but I am somewhat independent. When you recognise that your are transomething, that can make you even more isolated as it's obviously not the norm. I'm grateful to TWeb for the support that an ethereal online community can provide, but you're right, if I feel what I say, then I need to talk to someone.

Actually, can somebody tell me where the term 'Shrink' actually comes from?! Is it derived from Head-shrink?

Rachel

It is the BIG question!!!

None of us want to upset anyone or rock the boat but also we need to find that centred peace inside. Everyone's situation is different and I suppose the bottom line is that everyone needs to create a life that they are content with, however that may be.

I think TW is great for meeting similar minded people and finding out how they deal with their situations where you can see the results and take the best bits and apply them to your own life where suitable.

Gender dsyphoria is a serious condition to live with, as history shows, and anyone living with this shouldn’t take it lightly.

For me, the only person I had to consider was my daughter, currently 8, she will depend on me for the rest of my life and I thought it would be better, for her, for me to be a true to myself person, not just for my own well-being but so she could also get to know a genuine person she could depend on. Since I have been living full time I believe she has grown to realise this and it has made our relationship stronger and we are both very happy.

However, my sister, mother and father, have great difficulties accepting my changes and I haven’t spoken to my sister or dad since December. That said, although its a shame, and I am sure they will come round in time, I don’t need them for me to live my life to its full potential and provide for my daughter. I do fear though, that in time, if communication is struck up, that I might grow a sense of rejection because I was not loved unconditionally. I will have to deal with that when it arises.

I suppose, whatever you chose there are going to be benefits and consequences and whatever you choose you have to live with those, so make sure you make the right choices for you.

Its not easy and I wish you every success in finding contentment and happiness, whatever path you choose.

Penny
X

Hi Rachel,
For me there was no choice,I had to transition!!my feelings were too strong.I was totally prepared to lose my wife,children and remaining family.Some will probably think that was a very selfish act on my part,but I had to be true to myself.I could no longer live a lie!! I expected my wife to leave me,my children and my parents to disown me and to be totally on my own.But in reality none of that happened.My wife has been my rock,my children are still talking to me.......lol.and most surprising of all my parents have been totally suportive......amazing
Rachel you have had some great advice from the girls here,but to be honest it`s really down to you.Look deep inside and ask yourself.CAN I LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH THIS INNER TERMOIL?If the answer is no then I think you already have your answer......don`t you?
I hope this helps
love,
michelle xxx

Hi Rachel,

It is great to hear from you (your recent email) + this thread ! I hope you don't mind me sharing a quote from your email as it spoke to what I am feeling inside. Here it goes...

Rachel,

I'm doing ok, with the exception of a shared concern (Honesty).

My wife is a wonderful and sweet woman, somewhat Disney-like in demeanor and also very fragile. As such, I've only come out to her about cross-dressing, but not the deeper feelings in my heart - my gender dysphoria and desire to live the rest of my life as Michelle.

Every night, when I go to bed, it is as Michelle. Every morning when I wake up my 1st thoughts are always as Michelle. Then I put on the facade of my male persona , and begin my day. It is very hard to stay "in-character" when inside I'm Michelle.

This presents a moral/ethical dilemma - I want to tell her who I really am inside, but am afraid of hurting her and losing her. I've justified not telling her , by convincing myself that she is better off not knowing. However, this means I am lying to her and not being totally open in our relationship. Finally, by putting on the male persona, I am lying to myself and all that I meet. So basically, I am in a constant state of frustration and sadness over living as "Who I am Not". I just want to stop deceiving people and just be the real me.

Your recent email and this posting thread , really triggered a flow of thoughts that I've been bottling up and not sharing with anyone. I hope you don't mind me sharing a quote from your email as it spoke to what I am feeling inside -

"It is a particularly selfish condition being transgendered isn't it? It gnaws away at your own self as well of course, but until you are brave enough, or have to expose the reality to others, it just grows and grows and gobbles you up. " .

This was especially relevant for me. Hopefully, I can reach a point of telling my wife about my true feelings inside as she deserves to know.

As always, my TW sisters are a real help to coping with the storm going on inside me. Thanks Rachel and everyone!

Hugz,
Michelle Lynn

Hi Wendy, your comments make me anxious ('It brings me close to tears'). Was it so badly written!?
I'm not seeking sympathy, just an occasional ear and informed comment. Gentle wishes are always welcomed, so thank you.
If my navel gazing assists somebody else to address their own concerns, then that's lovely.
Wasn't it the 'Stones' who penned Sympathy for the Devil?
Rachel

“Feelings, nothing more than feelings…” nothing is like going out for a grate shopping buying hips of female clothes with good colours and fantastic materials that you love the touch and smell of. Dressing up as a female with fashionable clothing and colours bakes you feel good and nothing can compare with it. When I put my bra on and lifting up my A-size breasts and I look down on the fantastic good looking small coconuts or when I take a side-view in the mirror and see how good they look – I go out with proudness and I know deep from my heart that I’m a woman and I’m so proud of being one.

I’m sure those of you that have transitioned know exactly what I mean and it’s the feeling Rachel takes part of but there is for her maybe still a long way to go? Is it selfishness? No it’s not because that is exactly how many young girls feel and M2F transsexuals are nothing else then young girls in old skin but their mind and the way they see life should be like seeing the stars on a bright night.

Since I never managed to get married I can’t tell for sure, but I see it far more as a selfish act if your wife would not allow you to transition because nobody have copyright on being female which Michelle Penn’s posting confirms. Being selfish or not depends on what way you see it. Real females are very often those that are selfish in the first place because they often look for a male to support them in their life while they take all benefits out of the relationship but claiming all the rights to go to beauty shops, hair dresser to even wash their hair??? Right to buy all fancy expensive makeup when they could also use cheaper brands and buy more clothes than they ever are able to use so they often end up almost unused in charity shops? Look only how many bra, underwear and socks does your wife have or how many skirts, shoes? I bet it’s more then one for every day of the week or even one for every day of the month? So the question is whom are selfish the chicken or the egg?

All I can say is if you’re planing to transitioning go for it and life your life in beauty.

xxx Natalie

Natalie
I have no concerns at all about my wife having enough underwear so that she can change every day - I postively encourage that!
Also, if you work hard to secure your income, then you have the right to buy as many pairs of shoes as you wish. Obviously Imelda Marcos took this to an extreme that I would not support. As a Husband, Lover, Partner, Wife or whatever to my SO, I would certainly not suggest that shoe purchasing is a selfish act. That would be a quicker route to a divorce than coming out.
However, it's a great shame she has smaller feet.
Rachel

OK I know I say a lot of rubbish but I did not mean to say it in the way you did read it? The point was just to show what selfishness is. Shoes and clothing was only symbolic and not all wife’s are working you knowas selfishness can also be “self interest” which might fit better?

xxx Natalie

Hello,
I have a few years (don't I wish) on you, however the comments you made hit home...by the way you are obviously a talented writer and have a very thoughtful probing approach to the pschology many of us experience.

As to advice, well I think we just have to muddle through it until the time feels right to make the move to a fuller lifestyle... and for some that might just continue to be 'transforming' from one to the other and back again.

Thanks for your honesty and stay in love with the woman you have been sharing your life with, if she is not ready to share this part of you, give her the time you both need.

Warm regards,

Vicki.

''Stay in love with the woman you have been sharing your life with'' Probably the wisest things said in this thread, Give her time.

Natalie, the usual go for it, the dresses shoes etc, what a load of insensative rubish. Women marry MEN because they are men, they fall in love with that man, normally that man falls in love with that woman, trying to supress his/her GID, to live a normal life per se. The husband later on finds he can no longer supress his gender identity discomfort. That does'nt mean he/she can just basically throw everything away. there are feelings of guilt, dissapointment. the fear of being hated. the love and support from the wife over previous unrelated issues. Contrary to the go for it approach, some people give this serious consideration, some actually abandoning their imediate dreams and feelings to fullfill promises and comitments. You make it sound as tho one should just go ahead making out that wives are just leaches, I'm sure they put far more into a marriage than just bringing home the cash.

Think the first thing is to get a diagnosis, learn as much as you can about the various aspects of GID and transexulasim, so that if eventually you decide a continuation of life as a male is unbearable, then you can explain logically and in depth, what you are and how you feel. Hoping, that whilst you and the wife might part, it will be amicable with understanding and a feeling of love still being there. How will you feel, if eventually she meets another MAN?

One thing you will have to consider, if you don't transitiopn, will you resent it and basically subconciously blame her causing a rift in your relationship anyway? She will obviouly be devestated and feel you have lied to her, hiding things. Even if she comes to terms with your dressing, how far would she allow you to go, OUT, trips to the shops? how much will you be content with and will she be paranoid that you will eventually want to go all the way anyway?


Your own concience and needs will rule, Not the ''Go for it'' advocating idiots.

support and helpful advice is one thing, the ''go for it'' recruiters to boost the tranny army on the basis they did it there way is no solution.

xxXCristineXxxx

Personally that situation has never applied to me, thankgod, But i know a few that have sacrificed their aims and dreams, to placate partners and honour comitments they have made, Many of them end up living a life of resentment, Others, their partners knowing about their husbands/partners dreams, live in fear and trepedation, wondering when the need will raise its ugly head again, becoming paranoid and resentful. Both not good for a lasting and loving relationship, a few have transitioned with their wives/partners help and stayed together, another one she supported her husband throught the transitioning process,
The wife then finding a new partner, which was then resented by the transitioning husband. Only you can know how supportive your partner will be. Taking into account wife children family etc, To be true to yourself, can sometimes be a very selfish thing.
I honestly don't know what I would have done if I had children, but for me that option was denied me anyway, Best of luck.

Hugs Cristine

Not in your shoes as I'm not married. But what to do?
That can only be decided by you as each life is it's own. If you realy feel that you want to take it further I'd start with someone to talk with. Yes I mean a shrink.

Rachel,

It brings me close to tears to read your questions. I know that there is unlikely to be any solution that will not contain some pain and loss. That is about the only guarantee I can make. Even in the best of circumstances and the acceptance of one's SO, there will be issues. The advice you have received in this thread is all good. You have to find your own path. You do not, however, have to do it alone. Try to get your head sorted first. Only then will you be ready to help your partner to deal with her issues. Eventually, it will probably need to all come out, no matter what course of action that you take. Best of luck to you and I hope for an optimal outcome to your quandry.

Rachel,
There is nothing wrong with a little anxiety in situation that requires serious consideration. It makes us careful. What I'm trying to say is that these things are seldom an all or nothing case. How you handle it can only work within the limits of the other partner's issues with such things. I have an SO who sends gifts to "Wendy" and brings me boxes of clothes and fashion magazines every time she visits. She helped me study brain sex and gender for years before I discovered Wendy. She's quite learned about GLBT issues. She loves going out places with me because of who I have become. She totally accepts me. However, everything is not perfect in our relationship. What relationship is. Things changed. Open-minded, accepting...yes. Without her own issues? No, she has issues. It's important to prepare for these as it can make your case for acceptance far more likely. I know this means so much to you and sometimes it just grabs me deep inside when I empathize with my Sisters' situations. It's one reason I closed up and lost myself at a young age. That is MY issue, however. Just walk carefully and take the time necessary to do this right.

Rachel, I know only too well of the dilema you face and you can seek all the advice you want here but it won't do you a bit of good, as there as those who think that you should do whatever it takes and then there are the others who say that you are not the only factor in this. Advice is great, but this everyone's situation is unique and only you are qualified to decide which path to take. Wouldn't it be so much easier to transition AND keep your partner? Sadly, that is a very rare occurance though there are a number here who have been able to do so.

You don't mention whether or not children are involved. If they are, than that puts even greater pressure on any decision taken as it will affect them for the rest of their lives. Even if you stay together adn transition, they can come under riducle because of a parents change of gender. We all remember what the playground is like, so bitchy at times.

If it is just the two of you, what are your partners thoughts on this? Are you married or not? That can have obvious financial implications if you separate, and for someone like me, moral ones too.

I am in a similar situation, but have made the difficult decision to try not to transition, (note the word 'try'), as having entered a marriage, and with children involved, I am obligated towards those commitments I made, and morally, I cannot walk away from them. But that's just me. I think I have a good balance that stops me going crazy but it's not easy by any means. However, I believe that what I have in my family is well worth the struggle.

As I said before, only you can choose what is best for you, but remember that when that decision is made, there is likely to be no going back so make sure you get it right.

Good luck.

Nikki

Bottom line first. Only you can decide what is right for your situation. And as has been mentioned above, this can range from doing nothing to going all the way.

I took the latter route, it being impossible to continue as I was. I was neither the man that got married or the father I should have been, and I was getting scared about the way I was treating my family.
Others have stayed put, put their own feelings and needs on the back burner, and continued with a 'normal' life.

Currently I am sitting next to my 15yr old son, chatting computers and watching television. He is staying with me for half term. I left the family home when he was 7 to transition and become full-time. I did so for his sake as much as anything else, to preempt any form of bullying or peer pressure, and we have remained close.
I am still in regular contact with my ex wife and have a reasonable relationship with the guy she now lives with. We all went on holiday together camping this summer.

The choice was damned hard, but was for me the best and only choice. Rebuilding relationships took a long time and a lot of effort, but the end result is I am happy, my lad is settled and accepting, and I still have my family, though with my ex as a friend rather than partner, and my mum is ok now, though she will never understand.

You must decide which way is best for you. Hopefully reading others stories will help you make that decision.

Sue. XX