I've been out to most for quite sometime now and for those who don't know, I've been living fulltime for just over a year. There has been one group of people who did not know and that is my wife's side of the family. They live about as far as you can from us, on the other side of the country and one living in Sweden. We don't see them often, I think the last time we saw all of them was 3 1/2 years ago, just before I came out to my wife. We know at least one of them knows from talking with of our kids. Otherwise there had been no reference to me in conversations with my wife by anyone in her family, so to what extent anyone there understood was not known. It had also been agreed upon that my wife would tell her side of the family when she felt it was right.

Several months ago there was a special on "ABC Primetime" called "Family Secrets". A lot of people after watching it could not figure out what was Rene's secret. Actually it was simple, her secret was not being able to talk about her transsexual husband. In the end she began to talk about Chloe to others. I picked up on that right away because it was only a few months earlier that my wife was able to start talking with her coworkers about me.

Now and then a good news story about someone announcing they are transitioning comes along. I've found it is amazing how many had similar lives to me and likely others here at TW. Thanks to Wendy Larsen's news feed here at TW, I came across another interesting story that really caused me to think. Here is the story: http://www.triplicate.com[...]ner-war The part of the story that grabbed my attention was when the gal realized the people she told would be going through a transition themselves. I know that, but I never really gave it that much thought and I wonder how many others are in that same boat.

Transition takes time. This morning I awoke to an email from my wife. A forwarded email she sent last night to everyone in her family. She used the story here that I provided the link for and went on to explain that my story is much like this gals and that 3 years ago I had told her and a year ago I began living as a woman fulltime. She mentioned how she knew some knew and that lead her to believe everyone does. She had just thought she'd wait to cross that bridge when she had to, but now felt as if she was denying Marsha by doing so. She then went on to say that we are still married and plan on staying that way. I can't say enough good things about my wife. I am very thankful, and very fortunate to have her.

In a quick synopsis I want to point out why I put this in the Coming Out forum. Time and time again, gals come here looking for answers on how to tell loved ones. First off, it is not a race to tell one person, wait for an answer, then move on to the next one. The answer may take time. But for me, using a news story about someone else going through the same thing was the ice breaker. For me it was the story of Susan Stanton, a city manager in Largo, Florida who was fired when she announced her plans to transition. Here after reading the above story, my wife saw it as a way to tell others. Coming out is not all about you. If you make it all about you then the person you are telling may see you as the only one and as a freak for no better terms. Telling others by showing relevant stories of real people going through the same thing helps remove that sense of you being the only one doing this nonsense.

Best wishes,
Marsha

Marsha

Thank you for sharing yourself with me, yeah I know everyone else here reads your posts too, but so often I feel you are talking directly to me – and I am positive others feel the same way.

Although I do not consider myself transsexual I am very much transgender, and the majority of what you write applies even to me. Although I am in a closet, with the door open, and I have shared my secret with others, I am not public. I am not full time, heck I don’t go out fully feminine at all any more, but I am trying to find the way to display the blend of masculine and feminine I feel in me.

Your words give support and affirmation to the idea that we all need to be our true selves whoever that may be.

Thanks again.

Hugs Jeri

Thank you Jeri for your nice comments here and on other posts I have made. I try to speak from my heart about my experiences because over the years I have seen many others face very similar experiences in their lives. I believe we face two major fears in our lives, the first being the feeling that we are all alone. The internet and sites like TW have helped reassure many TGs that they are not alone, and hopefully that by itself has helped our cause by preventing many suicides.

The second fear is what leads many to this Coming Out forum looking for answers, the fear of rejection. The fact is we live at a time where there remains those who don't understand us or won't accept us. So obviously there is good reason to have this fear to some extent, but not to the point we drive ourselves into deep depression or hide ourselves so far away from others that we loose touch with those who mean so much to us. My experiences along with reading about others has shown me that most people do accept you. They may not understand it, but they will give you a chance. I also believe that you have to believe in yourself first so you can convey to those you come out to that you are doing this for the right reasons. That in itself may be where many fail.

Best wishes,
Marsha

Melody, both you and Jeri bring up different issues CD's face with coming out and I believe there are still many similarities to what a fulltime gal faces. Again I believe confidence in yourself that you are doing this for the right reasons helps to portray a good image to the person you are coming out to. Whether dressing because it helps you relax or dressing for a wild party, you cannot leave uncertainty in the minds of those you tell. News stories about cross dressers don't often convey a positive storyline from what I have seen, so you may not be able to use that to help your cause. However I do believe it is important to show that you are not the only one who does this stuff. I also think if possible, have something at hand to put in front of their face like a book. Don't give them a list of places to check out because they won't.

Maybe most important. Don't give them reason to doubt you.

Hugs,
Marsha

Almost 30 years ago I told my girlfriend that I was a cross dresser just before I asked her to marry me, and she still said yes - and we are still married. She isn't actively supportive but she is at least reluctantly supportive and turns a blind eye to the little things that bugs her (like painted toe nails and plucked eyebrows). As I got older, okay middle aged, I found the CD pull getting stronger (not sure if others have noticed that or not) and I talked to her about it, which was very hard so I used some articles I pulled off the internet. Her initial reaction wasn't good but it did give us an opportunity to discuss everything. So today, we are still married, my legs shaved, the laundry contains only panties, and my ears pierced and I wear earrings to work. I have since told a handful of people whom I consider my closest friends – and they still are. They have also all seen me dressed. And amazingly the world did not end nor did the earth fly out of its orbit and crash into the sun.

I am still striving to find the balance.

Jeri

Hi Marsha,

You make some very good points, especially, "Coming out is not all about you."

My experiences are closer to Jeri's. I'm not full time, I'm rarely dressed in public, and I don't foresee transitioning.

I never married, so in-laws were never an issue.
I've had three long term relationships. My fiance just sort of accepted my being TG without much concern. It was in the hippie era and most folks were pretty loose about sex and gender. (I managed to screw up that relationship by doing other stupid things.)
My next was with a post-op transsexual who read me almost immediately. We parted on good terms and she married a good friend of mine.
Finally, I had a GG friend who I told as soon as we got serious. She was very supportive and helped me a lot with things like clothes and makeup. We drifted apart when our respective jobs took us a great distance from each other, though she's still a friend and pen pal.

My big problem with coming out was with my male friends. I never just dumped who I am on them. I tried to subtly (yeah, RIGHT) hint at who I was. That part worked, they got it right away, and most of them dropped me as a friend. Maybe if I'd had an article like you shared with your wife, it might have been different.

Best,
Melody

Hi Marsha,

Wild Parties? Not in my life...sadly.

Smiles,
Melody